one flew over the cuckoo's nest

a few random thoughts/reactions for now:

nurse ratched: is she totally evil, or a scapegoat?

when i recently watched this movie, i talked with gk for probably half an hour, just trying to share various reactions i had. i've tried to write some of it down, but i've failed miserably. one thing i'd like to note here is that gk told me that cuckoos don't have nests. they deposit their eggs in the nests of other birds. is that a kind of 'blame the parents' thing? because if the parents of mentally disturbed individuals had taken responsibility for their own offspring, they wouldn't be in a psych ward where people like nurse ratched might be tempted to abuse their power?

one very real issue, one thing that was obvious to me right from the start in every incarceration i've experienced that i think is probably an issue for almost every person who ever experiences psychiatric incarceration is the feeling of having no power. in addition, i personally experienced the feeling that those in charge didn't really know what they were doing. a feeling of fear related to that. but i've seen examples of the types of personalities displayed in the movie, and others, and most of the people can't see ahead. can't see that if they act out their fear, if they openly challenge authority, they are putting themselves in the position where it becomes easier for those in power to squash them. i've been accused of being sneaky and tricky, that i will try to 'fool' those trying to 'help' me. but, i always started out with the idea of *wanting* help. i'd read books and seen movies where it seemed that help was possible. but the reality i faced was that in each situation i was in, i reacted in an individual way, as if it were a new experience, and i would start with an open mind - but i was not dealing with any person who saw me as an individual. i needed to feel a certain level of trust. i saw people who had some stake in maintaining the status quo. who maybe were too exhausted dealing with the same types of personalities over the years that i was just one more and they were desensitized and did not really care. or people who did not question the rules, and just blindly carried them out.

a lot of the men on the ward in the film were actually there on a voluntary basis. which seems to suggest that some people want and need to have someone to tell them what to do, that they need someone stronger to submit to, and possibly to bitch about. on the flipside, not everyone can handle all the griping and whatnot that is bound to go on behind the back, not everyone is able to handle being in the position of trying to uphold rules as they understand them - it takes a very 'strong' individual to handle this kind of situation. and perhaps part of what goes along with this thick skin is sometimes an abuse of power, or a sadistic streak that causes a person to enjoy exploiting weakness. however, a nurse is accountable to superiors, does not have the training of doctors and other people who run the organization, and if those higher up are not monitoring the 'progress' of patients or their treatment well enough to understand that some lines are being crossed are perhaps not as involved as they should be, are not perceptive enough, or maybe they condone the actions, or even have similar tendencies. in which case it's necessary to clear up that nurse ratched becomes a scapegoat for a much more insidious problem.

one unfortunate conflict is that when it comes to the mentally ill, i think that probably to some extent order, routine, structure, etc, may provide a kind of security and a base of strength. however, i think part of what people trapped in patterns need is some kind of new stimuli. that's the part of life that jack nicholson represented. the shock he provided was in a kind of context that applied to those particular people, to that situation. i think it's a sign, an example that is still relevant today when it comes to the treatment of mental illness: routine may keep things stabilized, but somehow new stimuli needs to be introduced in order for people to shake patterns of dependence on the hospital situation. life itself is about unpredictablity, and if you have too much control over every little thing, everything becomes stagnant. people in a hospital situation adapt to routine by becoming dependent.

the issue that cannot be ignored is that we still don't know enough about how the brain works and we still don't know enough about what to do with people who are outside whatever norms there are.

a lot of those men could have gone home, checked themselves out to go watch the world series. more of them could have participated in the vote to help the situation out, but were too timid or apathetic. [i have simplified this, and need to elaborate. i don't mean to dismiss the individual cases involved, reasons for inability to cope and how the system makes the problems worse, or overlook more about the system and what is wrong with it, but i need time to let some of the kinks work themselves out in my mind before i can express it all better.] you cannot overlook the situation as a whole. jack represented *trying*, someone working with what he had been given - someone alive. not perfect, but someone who lived in the moment, not by rules, and that's probably partly why he had been in jail, and why he had trouble being in prison and in the asylum. he represented that quality of life that doesn't just blindly follow rules or lay down and die, and his presence sort of reawakened that quality in some of the patients in the hospital. he seemed to be a person who was genuinely capable of enjoying life.

realistically, a lot of these people would not have made it in the outside world, because they weren't free and spontaneous individuals in the way jack was. they had longstanding patterns and dependency issues that probably would reassert themselves in time. (and part of the message was that jack was being beaten down, that even someone like him would crack under the evilness of this system - however, another issue is that he was already in the prison system and his personality may have been unable to ever escape a pattern) but, there are clues here i think as to part of what might help in the treatment of mental illness. it's not about having access to the world series (part of what that represents, though, is an interest in world events, a sense of being part of the world and a social group, with a shared interest, and also a reminder of the human body, what it is capable of and the human spirit, struggle, competition, life - it's a reminder of what being alive is about, it's like tapping into a kind of well of human excitement, drawing people out of their own private worlds.), or fishing trips or parties, it's about what those things represent that the patients don't currently have or feel part of, and it's about introducing new stimuli to unblock the old patterns, provide experiences that give a kind of energy or motivation that reminds people of parts of life that they might have shut out, maybe as part of whatever protective mechanisms might have kicked in, perhaps in relation to something else entirely that they can't really identify.

part of what nurse ratched represents is every person who accepts the status quo, who leans on the rules as an excuse for not thinking or reacting in an individual way to the pain of others, who can tell themselves they are 'right' because they have followed the rules or guidelines set out for them, even if they allow their personal prejudices or emotions to cause them to harshly punish someone for reasons other than the official ones, or to play on a person's personal weak points.

one other issue may be that it was a personal struggle between two dominant personalities. the personalities were opposities, and jack's ways of communicating were bound to rub her the wrong way, and vice versa. it's like the old situation of arch enemies of whatever kind - the individuals involved often represent opposite sides or approaches that absolutely incite the other to feelings of hatred, or to power struggles.

sex for pleasure vs sex related to procreation

it may seem at times when i go on about how everything seems to be related to survival of the species and reproduction that i don't go into much detail about the idea of sex for pleasure. when a person experiences pleasure in a sexual sense, what are the feelings related to? is it only about physical gratification? if the body has urges and sexual requirements, surely in many cases it's not related in any way to procreation?

i think that sex can be a form of communication. we are word- oriented, but non-verbal communication is a powerful form of communication, and can be a way of acting out in physical ways concepts expressed in words at other times, and passing on and sharing information, vital information in different ways. it can be an expression also of dominance or submission, in all the various shades - and this is a complex issue that does not relate only to interactions between humans. it can relate to humans and other species, and inanimate objects. life is about struggle, about competition, about dominance and submission. the ability of the body to feel sexual pleasure, or to seek an outlet for it, is perhaps a signal of 'aliveness', a way to share that aliveness and perpetuate it in some way, or a way to spread information or points of view around, whatever is needed to add to the variety and strength of the whole. if one experiences pleasure alone, in masturbation, it's probably not usually totally unrelated to anything else. there are probably actual persons that are desired, situations that are appealing (even if random, representing the random nature of life, representing life itself), etc. objects that are employed. (where do these objects come from? who created them? what unconscious significance might they hold?

sex for pleasure cannot be separated from where the pleasure comes from. and it might be about dominance or submission, it might be a signal of aliveness, it might be about a kind of excitement related to ideas - i think it's complex, and i guess for now a quick way of summing it up is that sexual pleasure or sex for pleasure relates to aliveness, usually, it's something in life that inspires the perpetuation of the species, the ability to feel sexual pleasure is a reward, for all working together, doing your part. through the work you do, the relationships you have adding to the tapestry of human life. some people serve as warnings, and some as temptations, some as inspiration or catalysts or to make us think or develop more and i don't know, i'm trying to figure out more of why it's more difficult for me to feel sexual pleasure, and i wonder if it's related to me feeling irrelevant to life with fewer ties, and that people don't understand how to measure these things yet, but i am an example maybe of someone who is not necessary or relevant, and as a result i don't get to experience this 'reward'. yes, all of this needs a lot more work, is not very clear, etc.

the marquis de sade seemed to champion activities that most people would abhor or find disgusting, and part of what he was trying to get across was a rebellion or an absolute protest against the hypocrisy of society and religion. he took on all things 'disgusting' in ever- increasing measures in part to drive his point home. it was a philosophical point of view he was trying to express. when he was locked up and deprived, it seemed a somewhat natural result that his attitudes would express themselves in ever more shocking ways. imprisonment tends to have the effect of not taking away the craving of certain persons who cannot change certain basic wants. i actually found the marquis somewhat humorous at times, i had the feeling he was saying that so many people were extremely thick and incapable of actual thought. this is an example of how the ideas behind certain sexual activities can be part of what causes or intensifies the pleasure.

when people get together in social settings, everywhere in the range from formally to much less informally, there is communication on many levels, and reactions occur on many different levels. it's about new stimuli, which is about reaction to life, and seeking new stimuli, which some do more than others, and which may be a signal of a particular kind of strength and vitality, aliveness.

it is now possible through science and or adoption for homosexual couples to conceive or care for children, to raise families. human life and reproduction is not just about a biological father and mother. human life is complex, and the human child has a complex range of needs when it comes to nurturing, education and preparation for adult life. a human child has a better chance of survival if it has caring parents, and while homosexual couples still are hassled a lot and have a lot more struggles, there are at least increasing signs that they will be allowed the chance to share what they have to share in the ways that were previously allocated to heterosexual couples. also, if they are able to cope with all the hassles, it seems to suggest that they have the capacity to be pretty caring/committed parents.

the ability to feel sexual pleasure is one of the things that makes it worthwhile to stay alive. it's a motivator. so, it is like it's related to the reproductive angle - it may not always be directly related to reproduction, but i think it is related to the survival of the species, or motivation for doing so. if people experience enough 'rewards' in human life, they are more likely to contribute something toward its continuation, to breed or contribute things to celebrate it or things that will directly or indirectly add something to the lives of those who procreate. if there's this sort of incentive (the ability to experience sexual pleasure and also things like closeness, intimacy, passion) even for those who aren't breeding, it allows for a wider variety of abilities and contributions in life, which in turn may help the species as a whole to continue to breed and survive.

big fish, the movie, which i saw last night

the idea of needing a big life, a person who never tells the 'truth', but tries to create the life he needs in his stories. his son, frustrated, wanting to know who his father 'really' is, and feeling that he is given nothing but the fabrications, the surface details, always wanting something more real. but the father *is* giving his 'real' self. i identify with the idea of needing a big life. i am willing, however, to try to show the more imaginative side along with the boring, repetitive parts of who i am. well, i'll admit to the monotony, and to the fact that my appearance is usually boring or unattractive, and that i feel embarrassed and depressed about it.

super-size me

advertising is so insidious that after watching the movie, in spite of the message, i had a craving for mcdonald's food, and sara lee products. heh. anyway. one comment for now is that while the effects of eating poorly might start showing up more quickly than you might expect, i think they can be reversed fairly quickly also. in the movie, at the end, (unless i missed this info) they seemed to focus on how long it took morgan to lose weight afterward, but they didn't seem to talk about his various tests related to other aspects of health. i think that most of my life i've sort of gone back and forth between eating 'badly' and trying to eat more healthily, and i think that my body responds fairly quickly even after all these years. i'm sure all the pingponging has had an effect, but my actual health does seem to improve quickly when i focus. when i've had contact with the medical health profession in recent years, it seems that for doctor's appointments that i prepare myself for, they usually seem to think i'm quite healthy, and seem rather pleased about the state of my health. for me, depending on how excessive i've been, 'detox' takes from one to two weeks to seem reasonably healthy, maybe more if i've been extremely excessive. i think, because i haven't done experiments that were scientifically approached, measured, monitored, etc.

in the last year, the person i remember as being most attracted to in real life, who i saw in public, was technically 'obese'. i saw him in a bakery café one day when i was with gk. gk and i were having coffee and dessert, and so was this man. there was something about him. he seemed shy and lonely, and i thought that he and i might hit it off. i actually thought seriously about writing down my number and passing him a note, but i didn't go through with it.

about movies, period. i do resent that my 'life' ends up being about watching, observing aspects of life, that it is a kind of drug for me that compensates for not having a life of my own. but, in a way, i sometimes feel like the people who write are a kind of family, and that through observing i maybe connect at times. maybe connect is not quite right, because these others are not aware of my existence or connecting with me, but i think in part they bother to put things out there for people like me. and i appreciate it. that sounds grandiose or egomaniacal, out of touch with reality, i think i need to elaborate. i think that when people write, in part they want to reach others who might appreciate their efforts in certain ways, ways they themselves don't always know they are looking for. i think it's natural to want a place in the world, and praise, and recognition, but i think there's something else, that (ok, i'll try to finish this later.)

at the age of 20-21, i remember there was a particular soap opera i used to watch, and there was a couple i wanted to see get together, have sex for the first time, etc. and i'd been waiting over a year, i think, and just when it finally happened, i went out of the house, i was visiting my aunt for a week, and i missed it. but i never regretted that. i am still the same. if i am able to cope with life on the outside, if i have a chance, an opportunity, i think i'm still capable of taking it. i suppose this is another thing i need to make clearer. just marking it here, something to try to elaborate later. i get scared, there are so many unfinished thoughts dangling, i talk about needing to add stuff to my mia page, to my tarot page, to all kinds of things i've started but not explained fully enough, and there is a fear related to it, to leave all of this unfinished, not explained well enough, but it's like i have to start somewhere, and i think this might be a necessary step in the organizational process. i don't know if i will come back to certain things, or when, ok, this is all for now.

my shoplifting stage at age 21

at age 21 i went through a bit of a shoplifting stage. i mostly shoplifted black underwear, lingerie, lacy and other types - but the main thing was that it had to seem 'sexy' to me. black bras, panties, garter belts, stockings. it was when i was living on my own, away from home. after that, i didn't ever shoplift again. i didn't ever get caught, i couldn't afford the items in question, i did experience something of a rush when i made it out of the store without being accosted by security or whatever. i felt guilt about it, and later made donations to charity to sort of compensate for what i had stolen. when i was alone, i'd sometimes dress up in these items and walk back and forth in front of the mirror and pose. i felt like i was preparing, or practising for something. as it turns out, for opportunities that never came, or that i never made happen.

when i first set up my own email address 7 years ago, i had a correspondence that i handled badly, and since that time in certain cases i've tried from the start to make certain things clear. the person who contacted me was i think looking for a friend, and i remained wary and removed. i thought of her as an unusual person with a unique personality, i thought of her as having a lot to offer, but i didn't feel i could connect with her. i accepted the ash ideas about respecting a person's decision, and not interfering, but i was also paranoid in a legal sense, and paranoid in general because i was still very new to the net and to email. when she talked about anything, i tried not to talk about anything specifically. i tried to figure out how to treat her like a human being but still remain on the outside. when she made an attempt that failed (i didn't do anything to intervene), i think afterward she was angry with me, and that she felt i had no insight into what she had communicated, or into my own problems. and the thing was that i was hanging back, reserved, i didn't feel trust in this situation, i was kind of scared and not knowing what to do, but also completely overwhelmed. the daily stress i lived with, in addition to trying to figure out how to respond to email that stressed me, that didn't come naturally to me, freaked me out. i think part of me resented being put in that position - of having someone angry with me for not getting more involved. but mostly, i was very scared about somehow making things worse for her, a common theme for me, and i probably in the end did end up making her feel more alone and friendless. and i think now that right from the start when she approached email in a way that suggested she was seeking a friend, i should have found a way to be more clear about my level of detachment, or inability to offer support, the type of support she was looking for. in a way, i think that sometimes my 'warning' approach to email when anyone emails me, is partly related to that, to not wanting to put anyone else through what i put her through. it's also related to other experiences, things i've learned along the way. i think it's human for others to reach out, and i think sometimes that the way i come across publicly makes me seem like someone people sometimes want to reach out to. and i may give the impression of being strong enough. but i think that's a false impression. and every time i've actually been in the situation when someone is in distress and has turned to me, i think i've let them down, not been strong enough. and that is difficult for me to deal with. at times, it seems the answer is to make it clear that i will accept no email at all, that i can't deal with any. it's difficult figuring out where to draw lines, and how to hold on to at least the hope that somehow i might eventually get an email that makes further communication possible - although i want to stress that it is possible to like certain emails without feeling that i can connect or maintain a correspondence.

something else i've written before, but don't know if i've articulated well, i'll try again now: about making a conscious decision not to express certain things or respond to certain things. because if i express ideas about certain topics well, a person might get the idea that i am more alive or interested in life than i am, and it's like i get a flash forward, i can see the ways conversation will progress, and i feel like a phony, i feel like i'm not genuinely interested, but part of me wants to participate to show that my mind isn't so bad, that i *can* do certain things, that i'm capable of thinking. it's like i'm trying to cut through all the possibilities and narrow it all down, to try to attract

ugh, still not up to articulating this.

it's so weird, what's ended up on my website. tangents, little pieces of the chaos, things that were meant to be 'extra'. there is still more to come, i think. possibly lots more, including a few more centred or central (?) things. maybe. i can vaguely glimpse possible progressions, where i might go from here. and i can see it might still go on for years. and i still wish for peace, i still honestly like the idea of dying, and would accept it at any time, although i do like the idea of having a say, of my death being approached in a creative way.

am i lacking a sense of identity?

is that what all the different faces/facets represent? is that what's behind simple things like inability to choose a career, trouble choosing clothes or a hairstyle, even? does it represent the splitting off that can occur when trauma of some kind is experienced, did my personality split into a lot of different directions? does it just represent that my way of coping was to try to understand as many different perspectives as possible? to have more power over what i could not control by at least trying to understand it or make sense of it?

but i think it's also about something i wanted. someone to see me as a muse, maybe? or to single me out, see something unusual in me. and because i needed it so much, i eventually did it for myself. i found a way to have something that was necessary to me. i started out seeing those things in others. i know that was my approach to people, to life. no one photographed me when i photographed others. and my early writing was full of descriptions of my siblings and i noted down a lot about what they said and did, things that i didn't want to be lost. and i guess at some point it shifted more toward me. i wanted to help others, but realized i wasn't strong enough. and i think that was partly because i needed to do something for myself. i felt like i needed help, and couldn't find help, and i guess while i can see that what i do might seem excessive and self-absorbed to most people, maybe in a way it's like bulimia - when you diet severely, there is often a backlash, you often eat an abnormal amount when you finally lose control. i was so deprived of a certain kind of attention that when i finally started giving it to myself, maybe it's come out a bit weirdly/excessively. i think i need to go through all this, though.

isn't it difficult for any person to live with a shifting idea of identity, with no one to trust, with not even the feeling that any relationship could ever last, not family, friendships, romantic partnerships?

i dreamed last night that i was practising dancing. i felt fit and strong, and it sort of surprised me. i was wearing toe shoes, and they felt very natural to me. my legs, ankles, feet felt strong enough to handle them, it felt very natural. i may have had this dream in part because i've always had this (perhaps irrational) feeling that toe shoes would feel natural to me. the colours of the shoes and my tights/costume were similar to a photo i was processing yesterday, and so i thought that maybe it was a 'face dancer' symbolism - that my 'dancing' is face dancing. and for that, i am 'fit' or able to dance naturally.

there were other dancers in the dream, a lot of them. and i watched some of them practice. i can't remember now, but it was like i was thinking to myself that some of them hadn't had the opportunity to have the teachers i'd had, and also, i think i remarked to myself that i was a better dancer than i had thought possible. that i was actually in the 'league' of people who had been trained from a young age, or who were actual dancers or professionals. and that i was even 'strong' or gifted in some ways some of them were not.

my television/rented video watching 'injury'

an overuse kind of injury: sitting on a sofa to the left of the tv, i often curl my legs up to the right side, and twist around to watch the screen in the opposite direction. gk actually noticed this twisting, and i agree it's a likely cause for the stiffness in my neck. poor alignment, combined with the cold here (it is warm outside during the day, but i never go outside during the day, and in the house it doesn't get all that warm at this time of year. currently, it is about 16 C in the house), causing me to stiffen up. it was a kind of emergency tactic, i needed to rent a lot of movies to get through a period of time. every once in a while i have a movie binge. and there is a store which rents movies on a weekly basis for $1 per movie. so it seems a good deal. anyway, i've started trying to address the problem, trying to sit in that particular way less often, making an effort to stretch in various ways to compensate as well.

i want to try to articulate some thoughts at some point about how not to perpetuate the idea that women are invisible or irrelevant once they reach a certain age. i also want to address the ubiquitousness of 'white' imagery, and how that impacts those who aren't white, and what might be done to change how everyone sees everyone else.

my skin has been a problem this year. i'm not sure why this year it's a problem when it hasn't been other years here. it may have something to do with me not having had any sun on my skin for a couple of years. it may have something to do with dehydration related to coffee drinking. anyway, one thing i noticed one day was that i had developed a lot of patches of eczema all over my back. i had started scratching at first, just thinking it was moles or removed moles that were itching, because that sort of thing seems to happen when the weather gets colder. and before i knew it, i guess i had it all over my back, and a bit on the sides of my hips. i stopped scratching immediately, and went to something i used to do in canada to cope with increased dry skin in winter: after showering, while my skin was still wet, i covered my body in baby oil, patted dry carefully and then applied the usual body lotion. this tactic has worked, the eczema is almost gone, and overall a lot of my skin does feel softer. [i have never had such an extensive case of eczema before. in the past, i once had it bad on my shins, and when i learned it was necesary not to scratch, in the future, i identified similar symptoms quickly and avoided scratching, and i never really had more than a couple of small patches of it here and there a few times over the years, but hardly any experience of it at all. my other skin condition is not really too bad. i would not like for it to be examined in bright light, but it is not really bad at all considering how bad it has been at times in the past.]

one of the reasons, possible reasons that is speculated as to why identical twins separated at birth often seem to grow up to exhibit uncanny similarities that make no 'sense' - like having the same hairstyle, or way of dressing or speaking, etc, same hobbies, etc. might be related to how they are treated by others according to what their features are, their appearance. so, we are given external cues as to what our place in society is and about who we are based on the features we are saddled with at birth? one thing to consider. when it comes to me, the idea of feeling that i am not who others are telling me i am, not accepting my place or feeling that who i feel i am does not correspond to the input i get from others - to the extent that it feels as serious as when a person feels they were assigned the wrong gender at birth. also, the idea that i may have an appearance that is 'complex' enough that i can't deal with all the input coming in about what my place is supposed to be - getting different messages, conflicting messages, perhaps more than, significantly more than most people.

also, the idea of types, and on the surface how i seem to be a person who seeks out lonely people who are so lonely and inexperienced that they are willing to support me, willing to allow me to be a parasite. do i fit that mold well? i've seen the way such types are portrayed in books and movies, and it always seems so clear, so straightforward. do others in this role see themselves in clearcut ways, or do they always think it's only others who seem blatant examples? on my wedding day, i was absolutely miserable. i still don't regret doing what i had to do to stay here, but i do wish i could have eloped. still, realistically, considering the situation, maybe it was better that we did it the way we did, but i understood in the situation as it was occurring that i had no one's respect. i didn't feel 'beautiful', i felt boring and pathetic. unimaginative. i couldn't speak to anyone, in part because to protect gk or go along with his wishes, i couldn't talk about myself in natural ways. i felt very alone and scared, and just in holding myself together, staying quiet, and still and in control was the best i could manage. but wouldn't most people think that to a woman of my 'type', a wedding day would be a triumph? when to me, it was an enormous humiliation. it represented what i had fought against, even if gk and i knew it was a 'marriage of convenience' between desperate people who were trying to give a fuck you to the system, people who actually liked and respected each other, the reality of the situation was that i felt powerless, friendless and humiliated. gk himself was so scared and so unaccustomed to even having a female in his life that he had no idea how to handle the situation himself, and needed support himself. and i felt that everyone there liked him and felt sorry for him, and that everyone was suspicious of me, and/or that no one respected me. to top that off, i didn't want photos taken, and was basically told, too bad, you'll have to suffer through it. and when the photos came back, they were horrible. they represented everything i didn't want, and they made me feel powerless. and i will never regret that gk and i took our own photos after the wedding (wearing the same outfits), and that i processed them. to take back some of the power, to create something interesting out of the whole debacle. i wasn't trying to say that the new photos represented 'reality', but they represented me fighting against normality, against everyone's opinion of me, of me asserting myself and trying to approach things in a more unusual and creative way. they represented that there was more to me than what these people, who had only just met me, could see. and while i don't have fond memories of the wedding, i can cope with the whole thing in part because of the photos gk and i worked on. and i will always appreciate that gk was willing to participate in it with me, that he understood how important it was to me to try to find a way to cope with this event in my life.

when i was on welfare and disability, i didn't ever feel 'entitled' to it, and for a long time, i always had thoughts of how to ever repay the system if i ever managed to find a place for myself in life. when these things were organized, i always understood that there were rules, that if you were disabled, you had to keep proving it at regular intervals or your support would be cut off. and it was like i knew, considering my own strengths and weaknesses what i was likely to be able to do, and i knew i wasn't up to coping with that sort of thing. i lived in such a panicked way, and any kind of schedule just increased the panic. there was no one who really realized the nature of my particular patterns and i don't think anyone understood that i was always aware that according to the rules it was 'fair' to cut off my support, but i didn't ever know how to explain my situation, and no one seemed to care about it. i really would have been someone who probably would have been homeless, at some point.

at age 24, during my longest hospitalization, for 2 months, i read a book about various pdrugs, their effects, side effects, aims, etc. there wasn't *anything* there i could see that i wanted to try, or that i thought was worth the risks. that was my personal assessment. i think what i've always tried to struggle to understand for myself was that a big problem for me relates to my place in the world, and a need for some kind of motivation to try. maybe like a feeling of meaning or purpose, but definitely something that doesn't come with drugs.

now that i'm a coffee addict, perhaps i'd be more open to trying new drugs, but i still feel that i'm more interested in illegal drugs, learning about them, experimenting - probably mostly as a novelty kind of thing, although with funds and connections, i do think i'd have the potential to become an addict. not sure what my drug would be. when it comes to the psychiatric variety, i think i'd be tempted to abuse them. if i like certain effects, i think i might be tempted to underplay my reactions to the doctor, and try to get hir to increase a dose, and that without monitoring, i'd probably often seriously abuse things. and i'd quite possibly make my situation worse, and of course i'd not actually od.

i mean, i might od, but not die. seriously, objectively, the best drug for me would probably be to try to exercise for a few hours a day. i think that would all around have the best possible effects for my life. and it's something that might have been a good idea right from when i was a teenager, to train me in dance or some sport, because that would have been a more 'natural' solution regarding my anxiety, a way of dealing with it in a productive way, while utilizing some of my particular 'gifts'. my body can probably handle more exercise than the bodies of most people, and without injury. anything that relates to competition might have increased my anxiety and increased my acting out behaviour, that's true, so participating in sports, or training, might have always been a double-edged sword. still, with some guidance, and perhaps an insightful therapist who encouraged me to work on my body not for competition, but to help me deal with my anxiety level and to help me to develop my potential in a non-threatening way, perhaps it might have helped. also, i probably would have needed someone to explain about my particular body type, and what was realistic to expect regarding it with regards to weight and appearance. for example, to have it verbalized, maybe - the idea of pointing to the types of bodies that are in fashion, and explaining how mine differs, but pointing out the interesting things about my body that those in fashion don't possess, and handling it carefully, maybe it would have been possible for me to shut out irrelevant info, and just concentrate on making the most of what i had. don't know if this is realistic, or if it might have helped me.

about obesity and overweight. if there are so many adults - for example 60% of american adults - obviously this is a serious situation. i'm going on about how images in the media focus on those who are very thin and beautiful - how do all of these others feel? do they feel invisible. are there problems related to sex like i have described elsewhere. are there problems related to sex that have an actual physical/health reason. when people lose weight, especially a large amount of weight, do they have a lot of loose skin, and does this in itself end up becoming a source of distress or hopelessness? how many of the people who lose weight have access or the resources to pay for plastic surgery to tighten the skin? how many don't get to *really* enjoy the results of the hard work of weightloss? what is the future when it comes to weight/obesity? it looks like children these days start out with dietary and exercise habits that are less healthy than those of previous generations. what does this mean for the future? will this be some kind of crisis? will somebody invent something that 'cures' overweight? i was actually sort of shocked by the reminder of morgan spurlock's 'super-size me' - the reminder of all the numbers of overweight people out there. because my world mostly consists of tv, i don't see these people, the people who make up the majority. it was just weird. although i actually knew it, it's like my lifestyle prevents me from seeing it. but, even when out in the world, i don't notice, and i wonder if many people are affected similarly - that the eye is now trained to focus on certain individuals more than ever, and filter out the others. not sure about what i'm saying, just trying to keep going for now. or wondering, if all people are getting a similar message, and if those who are large are more reluctant to go outside. because they don't see themselves portrayed, or portrayed in flattering lights, to hide, as much as possible. to think they don't deserve or aren't part of life, the way others are. and if there are all of these people out there, surely i still might have some chance to find someone who understands my experience? or can relate enough.

ok, but the one thing that occurs to me is that because of my background, i think i'm more likely to identify with a person who knows what it's like to achieve a certain level of fitness, to experience the adrenalin highs related to exercise, to be fit and strong, and then to lose it and have an exceptionally difficult time trying to get it back. and to feel out of control, to know that it will always be a struggle.

pronunciation. when i realize after the fact that i've pronounced something wrong, i feel kind of embarrassed, and it's like i want to point out that i know, that i realize. in australia, various words are pronounced differently, and it's not always just about accent/lack of accent. that's not my only excuse, however. i can remember certain instances when i've pronounced a lot of things incorrectly within a short period of time, and sometimes those instances are particularly embarrassing. sometimes, even with isolated instances, when i figure out that i pronounced a word incorrectly, i remember the circumstances, and remember the look on a person's face, and they don't mention the wrong pronunciation at the time, but i do see, i do remember it registering, and that different people have different reactions.

the other night, i opened the door, and the possum was sitting on the balcony railing, and then jumped down and came in the house. i bent down and offered her a piece of banana, and she took it and put it in her mouth. usually, when it's something like banana, she runs off to eat it outside. with grapes, she will stay there and eat the grape, because she can eat them relatively quickly, and knows she will be offered more grapes. i think she feels safer outside, so the denser a food is and the longer it takes to eat, she feels more comfortable eating it outside. anyway. the other night, instead of running off with her piece of banana, she stayed there, and with the banana in her mouth, which she hadn't started eating, she reached up and seemed to play with my hair. er, i don't know what she was doing, exactly. she wasn't rough. one time, when i was feeding her grapes but wasn't attentive enough because i was watching a flying fox and a sugar glider, she pulled my hair to get my attention. it might have been curiosity this time. it might have been like she was running her fingers through my hair, or it even occurred to me that she was 'petting' me. [i meant to stress that when the possum has food, her attentions usually seem to be focused on the food first, above all other things. so i found it unusual she had food in her mouth that she wasn't eating, especially since it was her first piece of food for the night and she's usually fairly hungry when she first arrives.]

another thing about the possum: i have been brave enough to let her lick tomato sauce off my fingers. fairly chunky sauce. i had nothing to put it on. she usually eats pieces of penne pasta with sauce, and seems to like the sauce part best. she didn't bite me, she licked the sauce off my fingers. her tongue was rough, like a cat tongue.

02/07/05: just trying to pass time is so difficult. tonight i took photos to try to pass some time. part way through, i ran out of energy, and didn't really feel like continuing. it's like i need to take it to a different place or level, but until i work on my body, i don't think i can cope with it. i can't seem to make myself exercise or lose weight, and both seem necessary to me. i can probably approach photographing my body in creative ways, even as is, but i don't feel like i want to. so i'm kind of stuck. there's nothing to do, and i have to figure out how to pass some time until i will be able to sleep again. i have been sleeping days again, although it's not like i go to bed early even when i go to bed early. (i went to bed at 10 am yesterday morning, got up at around 6:30 pm, i think.)

when i first thought about making a website, i thought it would be a very simple thing, a one page deal. when i became aware of the possibilities, i really wanted to capture something dance-related. i've now had a website for more than 4 years, and i still haven't seemed to come any closer to doing the kind of things i imagined, mostly because in all this time i still have not managed to get into condition. i think that in putting up some of the photos i have, i've shown a kind of self-acceptance, or that i'm not as picky as many people with eating disorders and body image issues, and i can even say that i sort of like some of them, but there's still this wish to go further with it all that i can't get rid of.

some of live 8 was just on tv and i watched it. some thoughts, might try to organize it better later.

20 years ago, i watched some of live aid on tv, as much as my siblings would allow. i was all excited about it at the time, and i wanted to be able to do things to help not just with starvation and poverty, but with other world problems. at the time, i was taking a history course through correspondence, and i remember writing something about live aid, and ideas about the likely effects over time and whatnot, and it's weird, i think i might have sort of 'predicted' to some extent some of how it would go, with people like musicians trying to use their influence to get more people involved in various causes.

after watching the recent live 8 broadcasts here, i wondered how the people in africa felt about all of it, to what extent they were aware of it, if they wanted this outside interference, and if they had any kind of say in any of it. do they feel forced into gratitude? do they feel resentful? how do they view their own lives? it seems to me that most of us in more westernized parts of the world probably can't conceive of the different approaches, philosophies or ideas about life.

i do think it's a positive thing to not be apathetic, to see suffering and be moved to act. and maybe mistakes might be made, but i think it takes courage to step up and take the responsibility for trying to do something. maybe most people just assume that nothing can be done about poverty, and they shut it out.

and what about the poverty and problems within even the supposedly more civilized countries? shouldn't people be concerned with fixing what's in their own country? their own families?

this is one of the areas in which i am ignorant. i don't feel that i know enough about anything that's going on in the world to know what's what. i do think that it should be a human right to have at least certain basic things, but it becomes complicated for me, because i wouldn't want it to stop there. but if there is some way that people can start to work toward a future in which there is less of the visible, quantifiable suffering, i think that if mistakes are made along the way that at least it's a kind of progress, and that maybe eventually the less visible issues might be tackled. but would all of this require an unrealistic number of people to become less apathetic?

another thing, about bob geldof. i liked that at the end of his song he thanked the audience for 'letting' him do that. but, in a way, 'i don't like mondays' represents the hidden side of all this. 'and daddy doesn't understand it, he always said she was good as gold and he can see no reasons because there are no reasons what reasons do you need'... human needs are complex, and maybe good intentions and even rational solutions may not take enough into consideration.

i think an acknowledgement is necessary. that it is a good thing to try to eliminate world poverty, but to also make it clear that it's understood it's just a start, and that no one should have to feel beholden or grateful, because it's just human decency to address these issues, and that if these issues are addressed, there will still be more to address, it will probably be ongoing, because human needs are complex.

the commercials talked about the urgency, the crisis, people dying. but when you stop people from dying, i think you have to look at what their life is going to be if they live.

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i was thinking today about how with various kinds of artists, musicians, dancers, actors, etc, usually a person has something recognizable about them, some quality, that something you can see in their work that ties it together. and when i think of my website, there is no clear identity is there? there is no consistent style or clear philosophy, there's no focus, it's all over the place and a person just coming upon it wouldn't really

have any idea of what i'm trying to say. what am i trying to say?

and i guess i leave it to the randomness of the universe, to people stumbling upon the parts that make sense to them or that intrigue them and leave it up to them to find their way from there.

and i know i don't have anything much to grab a suicidal person's attention, or for them to relate to, which is weird, considering how much time i spend thinking about death/suicide. but i know the sheer size of my website probably confuses people. surely i'm not a really suicidal person, or someone who has ever had very strong death wish. surely i'm someone who's undecided, who probably only has bad periods now and then?

and when i look at my behaviour, my patterns, what in the outside world am i looking at? what do i look at on the web? and if there are others like me, then i guess maybe they're not looking at things like my site on the web? they're lost in their own little corner, doing their own thing. so, it's like i sort of have to 'hope' that someone might be different enough from me that they are somehow able to find my site. and find something relevant enough that they don't immediately leave. that is, if i am to ever have contact with anyone again.

i don't think a person has to read everything i write or look at everything i put up to potentially understand. a lot of it is repetitive, and a lot of it is now kind of obsolete or there might be better ways of putting things and mostly, i just keep putting stuff up that's current, partly as something to do, because i don't know what else to do. and not sure what to get rid of, and until i have an idea about how to organize some things better, i leave it.

sometimes, you get a feel for who a person is without having to try all that hard.

and i realize that it takes a kind of courage to not throw it all away. to know there are embarrassing parts and imperfections and even idiocies, and to accept those things as part of the whole, and to maybe see that i do have a kind of presence, to face that some people wouldn't like me or would judge me harshly, but to keep letting myself take up space anyway, to face all of it. it would also take courage to let it go, to let go of a sense, however fragmented, of identity, and maybe i've come to lean on it? it's hard to say but to let go of 'possessions' or a sense of 'status' associated with having a net presence? and what would i have then? who would see me or know me? if it's gone, what becomes of all the thought, feeling, energy that was put into it? does it all just disappear as if it never happened, is it like i was never here? and why would that matter? what am i trying to prove? how many people, people more unique or gifted than me, have never had a voice? are they lost forever?

caffeine withdrawal. why do i get so sick? is it normal? i think i may be through the worst of it (for me, it takes about 4 days, sometimes longer depending on my general health at the time and how active bulimia has been - this time not at all active), but there may still be another bad wave tonight. another 24 hours or so, and i think i should be past the worst discomfort. the nausea, the vomiting, the splitting pain in the head no matter that i take paracetamol. but i wasn't enjoying coffee, and i was always feeling sick because i was taking too much, and it seemed it might have been preventing me from trying to exercise. anyway, in giving it up for a while there's at least a chance that when i reintroduce it i'll get highs for a while. and i suppose that's something to look forward to. yes, i'm pathetic.

currently stressed about copyright issues and my ignorance of the laws. i'm approaching it in the only way i can, from the angles i can handle first. i feel overwhelmed, and the easiest thing to do seems to be to delete my whole site. now, i realize that doesn't make sense, but when i'm stressed, stresses all link together, and if the current stress is extreme enough the need to escape it is very great. most people would suggest finding out about the laws, and i realize that my reaction will seem irrational. i'm afraid i won't be able to concentrate well enough to absorb what needs to be absorbed. i don't currently trust my mind in that kind of a way. and so there's a kind of panic reaction, and i start approaching it from different angles, trying to keep myself from totally losing it, doing what i think i can handle for now. and i'm not sure i can be objective, if i'm making a mess of my site, or putting in effort that will later have to be totally deleted, along with certain images. i also realize that different artists may look at the whole issue with different levels of intensity. human nature varies a lot, and if i explain what i have used the images for, i think that potentially there are some people who might not object to parts of their images being used. however, they may be in the minority, and i wouldn't want to assume anything.

something i didn't mention before, about sympathetic australians in the medical and mental health fields. i came across a couple of people who seemed not to like australian immigration policies, who seemed sympathetic to immigrants. also, a person who seemed willing to make a decision based on what seemed the best thing for me considering hir assessment of me, something that would go against what the immigration people specified, someone willing to go out on a limb. but i was afraid, thinking ahead, of ever putting someone like that in a compromised position, by writing about it publicly, drawing attention to such people or getting them into trouble. no good deed goes unpunished. the truth was, according to the unofficial hardline, someone like me was not really 'desirable', and i admire and respect those who were willing to take a stand about the unfairness of immigration policies.

also, i currently have a medical doctor who i think is an ideal doctor for me. when i go in to see her, it's usually for a specific reason. somehow, we're always able to discuss the issue and get it solved very quickly. there is something about the way communication works between us, there is something about her personality that works very well for me. i still babble in embarrassing ways at times, but because everything is to the point and over quick, i usually don't dwell on it afterward. i find her knowledgeable and competent, and i find that she seems to understand my boundaries instinctually. she was away from the clinic i go to for a year, possibly to work overseas or for maternity leave or something, and during that year i had a pap smear done by a replacement doctor. he was fairly young and full of energy, and i think he will probably make a very good doctor, but unfortunately he was intrusive in ways that are likely to scare me off. i was nervous, tense during my pap smear, and to 'relax' me he kept up a barrage of questions about what work i did, and when it turned out i had no job, he pursued it further from there and it was very un-relaxing. i can't honestly hold it against him, because i know he was trying, but i am glad that i have a doctor i am more comfortable with if i ever need to see a doctor again.

[the above contradicts stuff i have written elsewhere about my health and how often i visit doctors. while i have lived in australia, i have gone a few times, a lot more than i had in previous years, for specific issues (and with gk's help and support). i should clarify that i am not at all sure about how healthy i actually am. when i have gone in to see this particular doctor, it has been for a couple of things only, and maybe at a glance i appear healthy. maybe i don't, but maybe i'm considered old enough to be responsible about my health and about asking for complete checkups without being nagged about it. but, it may also serve to emphasize something i wrote elsewhere: my appearance is such that at a glance maybe i appear healthy, even to doctors, and what i go through is never guessed at. i have never mentioned bulimia or depression to this doctor. i think i'm too far gone for anything in the medical profession to help me when it comes to the overall picture, but there are little things that can be taken care of to make life slightly less uncomfortable that i can clearly explain to a doctor, like iron deficiency. when i 'detox', it's mainly with the aim of having a kind of psychological control such that i don't fall apart in public. i can only sustain that kind of effort for a very short time, and the rest of the time i feel out of control. when i have 'control', it's always with the feeling that i can't hold on for long. maybe i'm losing it, losing more. just letting myself go, editing less and less. maybe this is the equivalent of when a person lets their physical appearance go. the mental equivalent. and of course, it makes me even less attractive. i don't know if i care. it's almost like i'm so exhausted trying to fucking edit and fix things when i know it's a hopeless task that i might just be collapsing. there's always more to try to explain better, or otherwise edit, glaring things, and i'm falling so far behind, and it feels so difficult to write anything.]

yikes, what a mess. :> i wonder if i could just load it all like it is as an example of my mental patterns/wanderings. i think it's a preliminary attempt at organization, it shows the parts of my thoughts that are the easiest to articulate, and how there's almost a pathological need to cover certain areas. here's the rest of it for now:

17-18/07/05