17-18/07/05

on the topic of ignorance. ignorance and hypocrisy. we'll see where it goes.

recently, i experienced a lot of anxiety when confronting copyright issues, and how to handle everything. about not stealing from others. several of my images had incorporated the work of others, and i realized that i had no idea of what my legal responsibilities were. obviously, if i have mp3s, it's a similar issue, only it's something that's easier to 'get away with', because listening to mp3s is not done in a public way. something i only realized today was that if i use pirate software for processing images, i am stealing in yet another way.

it seems hypocritical not to recognize the ways in which i've been dishonest. i am in this country due to dishonesty. it's true that i felt backed into a corner, originally having been told by lawyers that my website, psychiatric history and inability to work weren't issues, finding out in practice that that information was wrong. i lied when saying wedding vows, again because i felt there was no other way. just knowing that i wasn't ready to face the consequences otherwise, wanting to take the chance and experience life in a different way rather than the way it looked like it would go if i didn't take these steps, if i didn't lie. where do you draw the line?

i can't say i can live perfectly, in an ideal way. it would be hypocritical of me to judge others who can't. but, i think that we all still probably find it necessary to make distinctions, to choose what levels of honesty and conscientiousness we can accept in those we have in our lives. can we really trust anyone? human beings seem inherently deceitful.

the recent stress i experienced, wondering if a few of my images were in violation of copyright, the panic involved with that, the thought that i was this ignorant, apathetic person who just went through life doing my own thing without thinking about the rest of the world, laws, the efforts of others. and it seemed easier to just delete my whole site, erase my disgusting presence, because it's not just the ignorance that's offensive. it's a time bomb, overall my presence is revolting, and when i get reminders, when chains of information are linked i can't stand myself.

if your personality is sweet, nice, accomodating, and if you are pretty, do you think that you can get away with being ignorant? if you offend no one with your opinions, your actions, your presence, is that really something to aim for?

i've been trying for a very long time to question my behaviour and automatic reactions.

online, people have to be aware of certain issues, realities, laws. i am conscious that it's not ok to use as an excuse that you are too depressed or mentally disorganized to concentrate well enough to have a good understanding of acceptable conduct. if you put yourself out there, suffer the consequences. understand that there are rules, and consequences to actions. the rules are necessary to prevent mayhem. it could be argued that if an extremely depressed person finds an unusual way of communicating what they otherwise would not be capable of communicating, and they put it out there, in part maybe it's a way of trying to be more involved in life or of not continuing to hide from life. however awkward it comes across, it might actually be a 'positive' step, and harsh or stringent adherence to the law without considering the person's circumstances or where it all comes from is evidence that the world is cold, inflexible and uncaring.

but, i didn't think i wanted special consideration. if i made a mistake, i wanted to try to fix it. still, the fact remains that i am severely intimidated by finding out certain information. it may be simple laziness, but i think part of it is fear, and part of it is about confusion, and not being able to focus in and eliminate non- essential information. not trusting my brain. but, whether anyone realizes it or not, i am *very* frequently trying to face unpleasant things about myself, or trying to reach a new level of truth, or trying to find the courage to express something about myself i'm afraid to express. so it seems like i'm very often depleted, or worn out from these struggles, which i don't think very many people could understand. and then to try to face yet new fears all the time, like trying to absorb new info, technical or legal info, when my brain feels constantly overloaded for no good reason. and if i'm still horrendously dishonest and hypocritical, all i can say is that i think i'm still moving in the direction of being less so. i have so many layers of conditioning and fear to try to figure out how to get through, and a lot of what i do may still be relatively unconscious.

it's so difficult to make decisions about almost anything. i don't ever feel i know enough about anything. what is the right course of action for me personally, what is apathy, what is a phony act to assuage conscience in a phony way, what is about fear of doing something that will bring about confrontation or what is an actual wish not to steal from or harm another - i mean, what is just about fear of getting caught, what is about a genuine wish to help in an area in which you genuinely stand behind, what is a decision based on ignorance or based on a wish to seem a better person. and what i think, is that for me, it's complicated, and that different things may be true at once. but i used to want to know more, and at times i made efforts to try to lay the groundwork, to find out what was going on in the world, to have a base to start from and from there try to keep learning what i needed to learn. and i was never able to sustain these efforts. i feel embarrassed about myself, and i'm often embarrassed to even converse with people, because my ignorance is embarrassing to me, it doesn't fit with the image of myself i wanted to have, or with who i wanted to be or who i imagined i'd be when i was young. and it is yet another part of why i hide from the world, not wanting to talk to people when i feel i am too ignorant to know what i am talking about. my thinking is that it was within my capabilities to educate myself, so that i wouldn't feel unprepared and off-balance when meeting people. and yet, i've never done it adequately, and it contributes to me feeling i just can't be around other people. i don't respect that i am like this. if your mind is open, if your approach is open, theoretically you don't need knowledge in order to respond in your own individual way.

i feel that in life i am trying to find out who i am, and to see if it's possible that anyone could like me or find me interesting. willing to face it if no one can. but *needing* to try to get closer to understanding who i am. at least that's the theory, and i think of myself as open to finding out what would happen in practice. and to use this experience, this current stress and discomfort to help me in the future to try harder to find what i need on my own, to use and create my own sources.

i think it was good for me to experiment with what i did, with some outside things. in a way, i think it represented that i was trying to branch out and do new things, try new things, and that i needed more resources. which was representative of the fact that i am so housebound most of the time and that my life is very closed in, that i am withdrawn and isolated from people and from life. but, in experimentation, i became aware to some extent of what might be possible to try with more resources.

i do need to point out that i realize no real skill is involved with what i do. most of what i do is a fluke, or is stumbled upon by simply trying a lot of things and seeing which i like the best. i don't consider myself an artist, and i think it goes without saying that i have no arts background or training. i'm also aware of how i don't approach my images in a perfectionist way - there are always rough parts, the images usually aren't very clear and i haven't usually paid attention to certain details. i think i'm often afraid to mess with something, in case it ends up losing some important quality. but, i think that in images, combined with words, names of images, and the structure of my sites, and combined with the timing, what is going on at the time, i am sometimes able to communicate in ways that i think are perhaps unusual. i think that in the moment, i sometimes can communicate something in a way that gets across more than the sum of the parts.

but, another part of this is about approaching things in an open way. not seizing on everyone else's 'ignorance, 'idiocy' or 'hypocrisy', but trying to see the complexity involved with each person's reactions and actions. when you interact with people in confrontational ways such that a person feels judged, what seems to happen is that anger, insecurity and resentment end up obscuring everything else. from my own experience, i have seen that when i see through some original judgmentalness and respond rationally and not in a condescending or inflammatory way, but in an open way, it seems to stop the cycle, and it may be possible to see many more sides to an issue, and to discuss them. i think i try to avoid situations in which people demonstrate their intelligence and ability to form opinions by belittling others who they think aren't as bright or who they feel deserve to be targets of self-righteous indignation. maybe it's a good thing to let out your natural reactions, and one of those is to lash out in witty ways to try to make your 'opponent' look bad. but i want to do something different, and i look for something different.