this is very halting. i'm feeling overwhelmed by uncomfortable feelings, emotions, loneliness, isolation, and i'm not sure what to do. i made a decision to deal with having a 'stalker' - the one who i think hacked into my computer - which is leading to me having fewer options, outlets. i go online only briefly to check mail and do whatever i need to with my site, but as soon as i'm offline i yank my ethernet cable and i'm pretty isolated. maybe it's an illusion, but i feel more isolated than usual. i am trying not to let the whole thing inhibit me too much, but i don't really feel that i have much privacy, and i don't know what to do about this situation.
there isn't much i want to do on my computer lately, although i guess eventually i'll get around to working on various things. in the last few days, i've been feeling like i need to write, but it's all uncomfortable stuff that i've probably written a million times before, or it's about issues i don't know how to resolve. and it seems like there's nothing i can do but try to endure that life is even more difficult for me than usual. another thing i should note concerning the 'hacker-stalker': if this person wanted to, they could probably delete any of my email or disrupt other things, and i may have no way of knowing.
i'm feeling like i need to do something different. i have recurring thoughts of just getting up one day and going anywhere. no plans, no set idea, just taking a few things with me and seeing what happens. i think i will take my laptop and camera, but i don't feel like i have the energy to organize net access, so i may exist for a time just writing and creating things on my computer, like writing into a diary that i don't share with others.
my hair is no longer red, and i am no longer wearing a labret. these are extra photos left over from early february. i feel like writing, am just going to see where it goes. i feel like i need the photos as props, or to help me focus less on how difficult it is to write.
red didn't feel.. i found i didn't identify with what it's like to have red hair, although i liked some things about it very much. it captures an aspect, it allows for the need for variety, it expresses something extreme, but i had a distinct feeling that it wasn't the 'right' colour for me. it's something i can keep in the back of my mind to try again some time if i'm ever in the right mood.
when younger, i would have tried more unusual colours if i'd had easy access to dyes that worked. i think i'm too tired now. i was never quite sure when younger about what i ultimately wanted. i remember that i really wanted red hair, and because it was so hard for me to achieve, it was difficult to move on from there. but i always had in mind that i wanted to try certain things, experiment, and try to come up with something for me personally. something that was not copying something else, something
i still don't know what that can be. i still have a vague wish for it. but less energy. i feel like i need to do something with my present hair, but i don't know what.
my gums were red and sore where the labret bumped them. this has already changed significantly, such that most of the area seems a normal colour now - it's a small area that is still red, but it seems like that may change with a little more time. there is no soreness at all, and it actually feels a lot more comfortable not to have it in any more. at first, little bits of liquid dripped out of the opening, but i haven't noticed that recently.
so many things i've been thinking of writing about, and none of this
i wish it wasn't so difficult.
about the possum, and if i am attached to her. i think so, but i don't think i become attached to animals the way that some people do. or, i address all issues beforehand, i am prepared in a way that others aren't. i still feel that i want to die. i also feel that i want to leave here. i will miss both gk and the possum if i leave. but i don't think anything could make me feel it is necessary to stay.
as for the possum, i don't think she will miss me if i'm no longer around. she comes for the food, more than anything else. she doesn't seem highly sentimental or affectionate. and because she is the way she is, she makes an ideal pet for me in my circumstances. she's not dependent on me in a psychological sense. she can feed herself. she can come and go as she pleases. so, for now, i can enjoy her presence, not have to deal with it all the time or do too much for her, and i will know that she will be ok if i'm no longer around.
i seem to be falling further and further away from any chance ever at joining society, any kind of 'society'. i push everyone away, but it seems like the only thing i can do. i can't go back to certain ways of being. about my current obsession. maybe this attraction is about one way i could still communicate with another person. i seem to be in a state where i'm ready to talk, and it seems to me that he can provide the structure and the inspiration to help me start to access some of what i haven't accessed in some time. i will understand the boundaries and limits, they will seem clear to me. i will have the chance to experience a kind of stimuli i haven't experienced since the last time we corresponded, something that seems to me exactly what i'm craving. my obsessive thought patterns might want to build it into something more. objectively, i don't know for sure what i'm seeking ultimately, but i think i'm capable of being flexible in this situation. whatever the case, it seems to me that contact would be somehow beneficial. that it would make me feel good. is it irrational to think that? i don't know. i often have a good impression at the beginning of how things are going to go. in this case, i can't figure out details, i can make guesses about the directions, but the overall impression i have is that however it all goes, i will feel good about it. that doesn't mean at all that i think my obsessive feelings will be returned. it just means that somehow i seem to think that communication will go well enough that i will like how things go, that somehow we'd be able to sort it out between us such that however it went we'd both feel 'positively' about it. (i'm in no way assuming that i will ever have this contact.)
one thing i need to make clear: when i am rejected by a person i am obsessed with in one way or another, it doesn't seem to make me feel suicidal. so, people don't have to worry that if they hurt me i will kill myself in response. i just don't seem to be made that way. it's not that i don't suffer, it's just that my psycho-sexual makeup is such that if i find out someone doesn't return my feelings, my mind starts to point out to me that my fantasies were based on something that was only in my mind, and it starts looking in other directions, to some future person or relationship, to try to find a way that i can have my fantasy. i am capable at the time i am going through things of seeing that i may very well be fantasizing about things that require a person to have feelings that just aren't there, but i can't just 'snap out of it' easily. it usually takes direct information of some kind. but at that point, i make the transition pretty well.
i recently wrote a couple of harsh emails, within a very short time, a couple of days, i think. i want to comment about those emails, to two different people. i don't take back anything i've said, and i even think that at this time the harshness was necessary, it was necessary because it accurately depicted how i viewed things, felt about things. how i still view things, and feel about things. sometimes, i don't think it's the 'nicest' possible thing to mislead people into thinking that you're ok with everything if you're not. i didn't want to have to keep dealing with certain situations over and over. i'm not sure, but i'm thinking it might be possible that one of these persons might think i'm currently obsessed with him. he said he was going to stop his stalking behaviour, but it looks like he hasn't completely stopped. i am not playing games: i am obsessed with someone other than him.
i think part of the problem is
i don't know. i may be less tolerant now, due to having less energy, but i think maybe it takes a kind of self-awareness to say that certain situations and types of interaction are not acceptable. maybe it's about getting to know who i am, and making some kind of stand. and changing. questioning my ideas about what being 'nice' means. not feeling pressure because someone doesn't find me accepting or open-minded enough. trusting my own perceptions or setting my own limits. and i think i would have remained 'nicer' if what i said/explained hadn't been blatantly disregarded so many times. well, at least when it came to one of these people.
if someone approaches me again after i've asked them not to, and i've put effort into explaining the reasons, i need the person usually to want to resolve with me whatever has been unresolvable or led to me wanting to stop things in the past, or talk enough about things such that we come to some kind of agreement or understanding that we're both comfortable with. sometimes, it's about wanting to be able to communicate more fully about something i didn't previously understand. sometimes, it's about a need to have some part of my perceptions or some of what i've articulated acknowledged openly.
in the two cases i mentioned above where i sent somewhat harsh emails, i think we've tried as much as is possible. the problems can't be resolved, and when the two people approached me again (they didn't just do this once or twice, it's like a repetitive behavioural issue where a little time goes by and both seem to disregard everything from the past and sort of try to pick up casually as if nothing happened), it seemed clear to me that there was no way to bridge the differences in perception or approach to communication. that doesn't mean i dismiss the past interactions or 'forget' how i felt about them at the time, but it does mean that it will be easier for me to remember or focus on what was good about those interactions if i don't again and again have to go through the draining and complicated process of trying to explain why things will not work in the present. if it's not understood the first few times, if everything i say seems to count for nothing, why should i put myself through it again?
over time, i'm not sure how i will feel. i always try to be understanding, but maybe i've not been realistic about myself. why am i so alienated from people? if i really am ok with things, why do i not want to spend time with people or communicate with them? and in some cases, i think it's because i'm not ok with things, and don't want to have contact with certain people.
i think most people approach me without consciously realizing they're building or trying to build a network of supports. it *is* a compliment if people find me interesting, or want my company or my thoughts. i just can't ever seem to relax with the whole thing, because i don't approach communication in the same way, from the basis of trying to build supports in life. i don't seem to be able to figure out how to express that in ways that are clear enough. i guess i need to work on that, work on figuring out how to explain the stress involved for me, and how to explain what my approach to communication actually is. it's an important issue, and unless i figure out how to articulate what i mean, i think something essential will be missing if i want to help others to understand me.
i think potentially at some point there were people i might have been able to interact with more fully if i had more energy, and i do at times feel sad or wish i had been able. i think i am seriously depleted now, and that i can only go with what energy i've got.
i wanted to comment about delusion. when i was younger, and received 'messages', i need to make it clear that i didn't ever think it was about anyone consciously trying to communicate with me. i liked noting 'coincidences', and it made my life interesting, and i somehow associated it with the idea that something interesting would happen in my life, but it seemed to me that there were probably reasons i was more 'tuned in' to coincidences, and that these reasons may have had something to do with a way of dealing with personal trauma, my mind finding ways to make life seem more interesting or hopeful to me.
this time, i've had the distinct impression that someone has actually consciously been trying to communicate with me (i've already had this perception validated to a lesser extent when someone told me that he was engaging in behaviour that was like a kind of 'cyberstalking', and gave a concrete example that was the type of thing i had noticed when it came to online stuff. however, there was more that i don't think he was involved in, and i don't know if that mystery will ever be solved.) when i don't go on the computer for a week, (experiment) i don't feel that anyone is attempting to communicate with me. not through music on the radio, or through the tv or anything like that, which is partly how i received 'messages' in the past. if i'm in a delusional episode, it seems a bit odd to me that all messages would stop when i made a conscious decision not to turn on the computer for a week, a decision in part made to test things.
i was thinking about a conversation i had years ago, when i was 30 years old, during the time i was going out, socializing, dancing, etc,. i had gone to see the movie 'crash' with a couple of people, and afterward, i brought up the idea or asked or how did i put it, i wondered aloud about how people with unusual needs and interests in a sexual sense find each other. reading psychopathia sexualis, it seems that some people with very unusual needs have always been equal to the task all through history, perhaps. and some suffer in silence and lead miserable lives, and a lot of people feel a lot of guilt and shame about being unusual.
but how do i go about defining or clarifying exactly what it is that *i* am looking for? it doesn't seem as clearcut
maybe i'll come back to this later. i feel like i need a break.
it's a rougher day (few days) than usual. i feel so completely isolated. i'm writing things, things i've said before, and i can't get far enough, i can't figure out how to say what i need to say. i want to get out of this place, maybe i'm trying to write my way out of it, and give myself a momentary feeling of release but it's all so messy and impossible to explain and i feel so trapped.
i think i keep waiting. hoping somehow that some outside influence will reach me. and i don't know if i'm at a stage where no amount of morphine will help, and if it's just going to keep getting worse. and i feel embarrassed, i want to try to restrain myself from screaming for morphine, i wonder if everyone who sees me feels embarrassed for me.