i am drunk and feeling talkative. i'll start out talking about innocuous stuff and see where it goes. above is a picture of a pale-headed rosella. for a while, two of them were visiting regularly. once the possum discovered the seedbell, it could be that the scent it left behind discouraged the rosellas. it could also be that rosellas travel to different areas at different times of the year. we have also seen beautiful rainbow lorikeets and crested cockatoos. it is also probable that galahs have been around at various times. they are colourful, very social, noisy little birds.

gk's backyard attracts a wide variety of wildlife. tonight i saw a few glimpses of the possum's baby, the possum who visits us regularly. the baby looked white, maybe semi-translucent, but definitely somewhat hairless. it's been active lately, kicking around inside the pouch, making its presence known. last night, gk was observing 'possum wars', possum dramas on a friday night. apparently at the front of the house two possums were having a go, they leapt at each other, and one ended up missing a big chunk of fur. it's possible our possum was one of the combatants, because we saw her in the same tree later nibbling leaves. if it was her, it seems that she was the victor in the earlier struggle. she is not a large possum. in fact, she is rather small compared to most of the brushtails we have seen. however, she seems smart, is quick, and when she is walking/stalking around has an athletic look.

possums are territorial. they scent-mark their territory, and are sometimes called upon to defend it in other ways. sometimes, we have observed our possum making a hissing/barking/coughing type of noise that is probably the sort of thing involved in defending territory.

she is probably cleaner and smells better than most dogs. she has a very fresh (appealing) scent that is probably eucalyptus-related (she doesn't have a medicinal scent - i don't know how to describe it except to say that it is a complex scent, and 'fresh' and pleasant to me). sometimes she smells a bit like a campfire, which seems to suggest she may sleep in burnt-out old trees sometimes. gk has built a couple of possum nesting boxes so far and put them up. he has started on a sugar glider nesting box, but hasn't quite finished yet. sugar gliders are adorable little creatures.

[18/07/05: earlier tonight gk took the following photos of a sugar glider in the backyard. there may be clearer, more detailed photos at some time in the future.]

we have not seen the sugar gliders since my birthday this year, but they do seem to like the kinds of trees we have in the backyard. gk wants to attract them, and has purchased a spy cam partly because of the cute videos he has seen online of little sugar gliders.

[when i drink now, i never dance. when i used to drink, it always used to be related to dancing. it helped to release my inhibitions. now, i think i'm afraid of the changes in my body and face, and am inhibited by those changes. but, if i ever do dance again, i think it might be interesting.]

there are so many unusual creatures in australia, and it seems that a wide variety can be found in gk's backyard. he wants to purchase a chunk of land, maybe a couple, a chunk of rainforest, and a chunk of regular forest, to allow a space for possums, sugar gliders, koalas, etc, to roam and live freely. it seems to me that this sort of thing would be a good thing to do.

ringtail possums. around here they are usually reddish in colour. here is one i spotted in daylight some months ago. normally, during the day possums are hidden away in tree hollows, roofs, etc, and we speculated that this one was frightened, hurt or sick. it may not be noticeable in this version of this photo, but the nose looks a little drippy.

ringtails are social amongst themselves, but seem a little more wary of humans than brushtails. below is a mother with two clinging sprogs in our backyard.

the butcher bird below really seemed to like me and to want to try to communicate with me. it stayed with me quite a while.

snakes. there are probably a lot of snakes in gk's garden. one of the most impressive was this python:

huntsman spiders: here's one from inside the house. gk photographed it against a sheet of white paper. often they have a 'hairier' look to them. i like these spiders, don't feel afraid of them at all.

we have spotted various other species in the backyard, including brush turkeys. there really is a wide variety of wildlife here. when i first was getting to know gk, i wondered if his job was to travel around documenting various aspects of australian wildlife. i still think that would be a good and fulfilling job for him, but even though it's not his job in actuality, i think his living arrangements provide for at least something along these lines...

ok, i'm extremely drunk in the moment. i guess something i want to say is that i do notice someone is trying to send me messages. but. i wonder. if you have access to some kind of search facility, i don't see it as being all that difficult to link certain things. i guess what i'm saying is that i feel somewhat annoyed. i see that you are trying to send me messages. but if you want me to feel less alone, it's not working. i feel that you can only see the sum of the parts. that no insight is involved. and no 'guts'. what are you waiting for? i feel like i'm the tuesday meatloaf. so, it's kind of like i see that my site has cockroaches, and i don't want to be prejudiced against cockroaches, but i'm looking for something other, and i guess i feel discouraged. maybe i'll write more in a while. i'm very drunk, and probably not likely to sleep soon.

man, i'd love to go out dancing tonight. i know i'm not going to get the opportunity. and i know it's a tragedy. tonight.

don't go away, don't go away. there might be more soon.

the possum will climb a human like a tree for food. she mostly climbs gk. when we leave the door open for her, she comes into the house. she heads straight for the kitchen. when it comes to me, i tend to get nervous of the claws. gk is always wearing jeans. often, i'm wearing things that possum claws might go through. she starts to climb me, comes into the house, into the kitchen, she's impatient while i'm chopping fruit and vegetables. she's such a beautiful little creature. i'm less nervous than him about handing her food. if the claws grip hard, i know to relax, not panic. and she won't hurt my hand, my fingers. she will be oh so gentle. if i understand. if i don't panic.

she notices changes in the house immediately. she sniffs them. and she looks for things that remind her of trees. vertical support beams, table legs, humans. she scopes the parameters. she is an intelligent creature.

to see the fear. in gk's eyes. i know he doesn't know what to do with me. he's so scared. i know he'd prefer something other. and all i can do is try again. to leave. and let him have a chance. for something better than this. and to let me have a chance. but i know it's up to me to take responsibility for myself, for all of it.

i don't think i can dance with words. there is nowhere in the past to go back to. and i know that. i've been dealing with that, moving past the current obsession. but i also see that there is nowhere in the future for me. i don't fit. and all that's left is to try to get out. that's all. there's nothing else that i can see any more.

i don't think i will sleep tonight. and i'm oh so drunken. and maybe i will keep adding things to this that no one will ever see.

i used to do my makeup and hair in different ways on weekends. wanting there to be somewhere to go. looking at myself in the mirror from different angles. and now i know that no one sees anything 'magical' in me. and 'life is a game i've tried. life is a game and i'm tired.' fuck you all. :p

heh. just taking a few moments. it's interesting the things that pop into one's head when one is incredibly drunken. i'm currently going through a very 'unhealthy' phase, and when gk was eating a nice stirfry with noodles for dinner, to keep him company i filled a black noodle bowl with alcohol and ate it with a spoon like it was soup. i thought it was rather amusing, but i don't actually think gk found it all that amusing.

anyway. i suppose at this point there are way too many 'pretty' pictures of me. and anyone who met me would feel 'ripped off', even though i have gone on about my issues with my appearance, and look very different in a lot of photos, etc. so, i'll make another statement here. i'm not trying to 'fool' anyone. i'm just accessing my own particular type of creativity. it may not be a kind of creativity that anyone respects, but at least if no one else finds it interesting, *i* do.

[waking up later: i felt extremely embarrassed upon waking up, experienced more urges to delete the lot. i came close to doing it the other day, with regards to my whole site, email addresses, etc. have removed a few things from this entry, might remove more later. i got drunk last night to pass a little time. it worked, i remember that i found it kind of fun. at the time. i don't feel so good today, and i find it difficult to shake off the feelings of embarrassment. i think it's probably going to be a considerable time before i attempt this sort of thing again.]

14/06/05