[i feel confused, like someone is angry with me or has some unusual issues of some kind with me, and i can't get any kind of direct communication to help clear it up, so i'm just sorting out some of the feelings about it here.]

it's strange, when people won't or can't be direct with you for one reason or another, and you can't really figure out what it is they're trying to communicate. or if they're pissed off you're not trying harder to listen to what they're trying to say, or what.

it seems odd to me, the idea that someone might feel like they have something to prove when it comes to me. what do i have that they could possibly want or feel i don't deserve or whatever? i mean, i have no one's respect, i have no friends, no lovers, no admirers, etc. the one person i have in my life is scared to death that he will never be able to get rid of me, and if someone wants *him*, all they pretty much have to do is express interest. if someone thinks i take what i do have for granted, i don't think i do.

if i've offended or hurt someone, or seemed to forget them, it's most likely because i'm out of touch with other people's reality and experience of life and/or because i'm *trying* to withdraw further from life.

there are people i see incredible qualities in, and i hope the world sees more of them, (eg, hi fliba) but i see them as having more 'life' in them than me, or more to offer, and i can't keep up to their speed or vibration, and can't maintain contact, although sometimes i've wished i could.

i keep churning out crap that is not what i mean to do or work on, and while some of it is pleasing in a way, i don't see it as having any lasting significance, or relevance to anyone but me. i keep wanting to see if i eventually dance, but i don't think that's likely at this point, i don't seem to ever really feel like it at all, i am months away from being in the kind of condition that would be necessary to me, and i don't see where i'm going to get the motivation to go through with the preparations. and i keep feeling like i just want to die now, that i don't want to go any further. if i could, i'd try to support others, but it keeps seeming to me that i have to work on myself, or i won't be able to share anything, i have to let out what i can in order to figure some things out, but probably what i need to do is shut everything except myself out until i can concentrate well enough to kill myself. i think it might be like the vomiting in a way, like how i wasn't 'smart' enough to figure out how to vomit when i was younger even though i was in incredible discomfort - i maybe have some weird psychological blocks to killing myself that i don't know how to dismantle yet.

i sometimes feel like someone has antagonistic feelings toward me. well, fair enough. even if you live in a very isolated way it's no guarantee that you haven't seriously pissed someone off in one way or another. i wish if that were the case that the person would discuss it with me directly, so i'd not have to go through all the possibilities in my mind and have no chance to address anything i might have done 'wrong', try to make it better in some way. but i also realize that to 'make things better' some people have their own ideas about how to handle that for themselves, and sometimes i guess i wonder if someone wants me to suffer for something i've done.

but if you see it as some kind of 'competition', it looks really weird to me. i mean, haven't you already won? i'm old, i have no respect, no self-esteem, i know i'm ugly, and boring, kinda stoopid, i have no relevance to anyone in the world - i mean, it's not so hard to 'beat' that, and you don't even have to be young to accomplish that. i *know*, because i've had the experience repeatedly, that if anyone from online meets me in person i'm a disappointment, so if by any weird chance someone does like what i do online, when they meet me in person they just aren't going to be impressed by me. i guess i can see that to some people it might be fun, or a kind of 'sport' to rub that sort of thing, pick on the 'weak', or pick at a carcass, like a vulture. if you want to surpass my 'accomplishments', it's like it boggles my mind a little, because i don't see myself as having relevance to anyone. so, as you can see, i'm kind of confused. i have wanted so badly for someone to find me interesting, and it looks like what i find instead is those who want to pick me apart or pull me down further for reasons i'm not sure i can grasp. anyone want to enlighten me?

anyway, if it would be pleasing to you that i was no longer online at all, i think things will probably go in that direction eventually. i get a lot of urges to delete everything i've done, and while i know that some things may be archived, if i just don't ever go online it will all feel unreal to me, everything i've done will feel like it happened in another life or to someone else. when it comes to the little breaks i've had from being online, what i notice is that it all seems so unreal to me, so far away.

i think that those who most often 'win' in life are probably intelligent in ways that humans hypocritically do not acknowledge - i think that those who 'dare' to be 'bad' or to go against the hypocritical 'nice' rules, those who are willing and have the energy to play games, to fuck with everyone and mess with their heads for fun, are demonstrating a kind of superior intelligence, but i'm not that intelligent, and i don't relate to it, and it probably has a lot to do with why i dropped out of life and just sit around whining all the time. i don't respect my whining approach to it all. i suppose if i'm an object of ridicule or sport, at least i'm providing fun, amusement or a sense of purpose to someone out there. i see that in some ways i'm being irrational. i'm just so exhausted, it's difficult to keep trying to be fair and rational. and sometimes i think that everyone's approach is so different to mine that i can't relate to anyone.

i don't want to have to be me. i want to stop whining about all of it, but i probably won't stop until i'm dead. at the moment, i want to be allowed to feel sorry for myself. i really do want to die, now, today. and the amount of energy that will take seems so impossible to find.

ok, i think i sort of needed to get all that out. i feel like i desperately need some kind of help, or someone to talk to, and i know that this is probably the best i can do for myself with regards to coping.

04/08/05