drunk in preparation 'celebration' of my birthday. haha. gk tells me i've had 13 standard drinks. he went to bed a while ago. having drunk less than me. i can type. the room is spinning a little. [it's been over about 7 hours, so i've had a little time to absorb some of it.]
the boring photos are what i did tonight to photos from february.
ok, i'll admit that typing feels a little difficult. i can't seem to do it very well, am making lots of typos, but able to fix.
i had been thinking that someone had hacked into my computer and was communicating with me. i talked in email about it with two different people - although with the first person i emailed i was only just starting to feel that things were occurring that were pretty odd. it's possible that one thought i was off my nut, and the other just hoped i was able to cope. i think. and now i'm back to complete silence. the usual. no contact with the outside world. and i had to stop communicating with my delusions because i had developed romantic feelings for them.
the thing is, maybe i'm not completely irrational. gk's father was a journalist, and was involved with some controversial things, and asio watched him, had various files, some of which gk was able to see after a certain amount of time had elapsed after his father had died. maybe someone's watching gk, and i just happen to be in the way at times. the thing is, i don't think gk will break the law, i don't think he'll ever encourage anyone to kill themself, and if that's what they're looking out for, they're wasting their time. he's so kind to the people who write to him, he really seems to care about their feelings. and if he won't talk to me, his 'wife', about how to kill myself, i don't think he's going to specifically tell or encourage anyone else how to do it. when at this point it would probably even be in his best interests to be rid of the horror with eyeballs that is me. i'm pretty sure that if i even hinted i was going to make an attempt, he'd probably try to stop it, because if i did that, it would be like saying i'm not really ready.
i'm not sure yet if when i wake up sober this entry will look like something that needs to be removed immediately.
i wanted to write something about the possum. the other night, i was feeding her grapes. gk noticed a fruit bat. at first, we thought it was a ringtail possum. it had similar colouring, but the movements reminded me of a little monkey. it was so strange, because when you see them flying overhead, the wings look so big, and black, but when they are in the trees feeding (hanging upside down), the wings are folded up. gk also pointed out a little tiny baby possum up near the fruit bat/flying fox (dog haha). because i became preoccupied watching, the possum i was feeding became impatient and actually pulled my hair to make me feed her more grapes.
[28/03/05: the 'little tiny baby possum' was probably a sugar glider. we saw it again last night, or it might have been a different one because apparently they live in clusters. baby possums that are out of the pouch cling to their mothers' backs. sugar gliders apparently like to hang out at the very tops of gum trees, and that's where we spotted the little creature. also, last night, it leapt from the top to down fairly low fairly easily - sugar gliders have loose skin, i think, that spreads out to help them 'glide', and they look a little like small bats when they are gliding. they are very cute. if i ever have a picture, i will put it up somewhere here.]
later: it's no surprise that i don't feel very good today. also, the usual embarrassment that i feel, that's so difficult to just 'get over' after drinking. anyway, a lot of this entry looks braindead to me.
woohoo, another birthday. well, tomorrow. i think i am having a lot of trouble with it. as for the 'stalking' issue, it does seem likely to me that i had lost touch with 'reality' for a bit. when i was 21 years old and put so much effort into leaving home, and then ended up coming back because i couldn't make it, that was the first time i started getting 'messages'. when i left gk last year, it felt absolutely essential to me that i do it, that i not leave it any longer. and i couldn't make it. i'm so closed off, and there just wasn't any way to build any kind of support structure or become involved in life in new ways. i think i've sort of exhausted my energy and possibilities. unfortunately, what that means is that i am a huge burden, and unsolvable problem for gk. he puts so much effort into trying to help me cope moment to moment. what can we do right now to make this better. it must be so incredibly fucking draining, and i do not underestimate what he does or take it for granted. i just want to relieve him of having to permanently babysit me. i don't think at this point that he's getting anything good out of the situation. it's just like caring for an invalid, or helpless child. and so i try to think of how i can gather the energy, focus well enough to at least get myself out of here, preferably far enough away that i can't suck the life out of him any longer.
so back to the 'stalking'. i think that when i've come to a certain limit of psychological stress that possibly my brain does weird things to me as a kind of coping mechanism. it's possible that i start to focus in on 'coincidences' while selectively filtering out everything else. [for example: i wrote things on my computer that i didn't share with anyone else, and i seemed to get 'responses' that gave me the idea that someone was able to see what i wasn't sharing with anyone else.] so i apologize if i weirded anyone out, or seemed to be accusing anyone of anything. i think i'm more 'realistic' again. the idea of it appealed to me, though. it was like i couldn't see any other way to have contact with people again that i wouldn't run from, and i can't seem to totally eradicate all wish for contact. but i eventually even ran from contact with the 'stalker' in my mind. i was feeling like this stalker was making fun of me because i wasn't bright enough, and also i didn't see how i could be anything but kind of low on the list of people to stalk, a kind of 'extra' or default choice adopted because for whatever reason someone else wasn't available. heh, i seem to have some serious issues that even ruin the idea that someone is interested enough in me to be stalking me.
there's someone i currently wish for contact with, not with a set idea in mind about what the result would be. i can't seem to stop wanting this. there are a couple of ways i could approach it. but what i think i'm trying to do instead is just get over it, to be realistic about it.
09/04/05: bit of an update. someone actually emailed me that they were 'cyberstalking' me, but i don't think it was on the level i was thinking might have been occurring. (he admitted to some things, but said he had not hacked into my computer, personal files, etc.) i asked that person to discontinue his behaviour, and since that time certain parts of what i was noticing in the past stopped, although it appears that *something* is still occurring. the former part of things is not a big problem to me, although there's a kind of 'disappointment' related to sort of wishing the stalker was someone else, and that some of that behaviour was linked to the following:
i can't ever seem to completely shake off the idea that someone has hacked into my computer and is attempting to communicate with me. i'm reluctant to give details. i realize that i may be delusional, and that i may just be communicating with some part of my own mind. however, it feels like i have some kind of unusual relationship with this person, or with this part of my own mind.
if there is an actual consciousness behind what i'm experiencing, a consciousness other than my own, it's difficult to figure out the motives behind it. for technical reasons as well as motives, i find it seems a lot more realistic to dismiss my perceptions as paranoia or delusion.
i have come to see this 'interaction' as a kind of relationship that is significant, as significant as other relationships i've had. but... there are communication issues and other issues and as is typical of me, without the possibility of more complete communication, i keep feeling that eventually i will have to stop my participation in it. i am not sure if my mind came up with all of this as a way to get me to deal with obsessive feelings for an actual person, or if the situation has triggered the need for projection.
the biggest issue at present is that i am obsessed with an actual person i have no contact with, and who i have no reason to think wants contact with me.