meme-ing in life
15.10.15:
[The following might seem to describe a placebo effect. For a more
extreme experience, click
here.]
I tried acid (for the first time in my life) while home alone. I had
researched a little online regarding what to expect and how to
prepare, but on the actual night, I mostly just winged it. I made a
spontaneous decision to just do it, not wait for a perfect time. I
was a bit nervous about doing it when so out of control, and with low
self-esteem, in case I might have a bad trip, and that in addition I
might feel physically quite ill. However, it all went very well, and
I would definitely try it again.. with a stronger dose, and new
surroundings and stimuli. I started off with one tab, but added
another close to 3 hours into the trip.
[My account might seem representative of a placebo effect more than
anything. Later on, I tried a larger
dose, (click bolded text for second experiment) and it seems
unlikely to me it was only a placebo effect.]
I'm going to relay my notes from the night and following day as close
to the original form as possible, even though it might be a little
scattered or hard to follow, or because it's so difficult to slog
through some of the more interesting bits will be obscured. In some
cases I might add some bracketed extra info.
14.10.15
[I had taken the first dose at 3:20 am.. at a little after 4 am, I
wrote]:
I guess I will have to try again tomorrow to write up my initial
impressions while waiting for lsd to kick in.. I hope I will remember
what I wanted to say, but it might be a good idea to just go with it
now. [A computer issue resulted in me losing my first impressions,
and as it seemed like the acid had kicked in at that stage, I decided
to stop typing.] It might not be a really strong effect, but
maybe that's better for today, the first time. The odd thing is maybe
that the effect I'm most aware of is that it might be a kind of
gentle way to reconnect to my body and the sensation of touch, and
maybe as an extension of that a slightly heightened awareness in
other senses as well.
11:56 am:
[This was when I felt I was coming down. I didn't really want to
spend any more time in my room, and thought I might start trying to
describe some of my experience. I headed to the computer downstairs
in the workroom.]
I am not sure if I am going to write everything up now, or try to
have a look at some of the photos I took. I tried to take photos of
rainbow halos, but no dice. I had to play around with what I could.
I took the first dose at 3:20 am. It could be that it wasn't very
strong acid, because even the second dose is wearing off now, but I
still have a nice glow kind of thing.
With the first dose, I started to wonder if it was just a placebo
effect, or power of suggestion thing.. If I was noticing things
because I expected to. I think there was a definite change from the
everyday, but when I checked my pupils, they weren't majorly dilated,
but during the second dose they were pretty big. I wanted to find out
if it was effective acid at all, and also by 6 am I thought that
based on my reactions so far, I could handle a bigger dose, and I
wanted to do something more extreme. I could have saved 4 tabs and
suggested GK and I each do 2 next time, but I decided I wanted 2 on
my own. And I think I made a good decision, and had a really good
trip. [Note: I had originally asked for 2 tabs to try, but the
person selling it would only sell a strip of 5.]
I didn't know that the acid should probably have been wrapped in
foil and put in the fridge. It's been very warm here off and on. I
wrapped the rest and it's now in the fridge. Hopefully GK will get a
dose that's as good as what I had today.
I will try to write down what I can remember before checking online
again. It is possible that what I read before implanted suggestions
as to what I would experience, but we'll see what I can remember.
I took the second dose a little after 6 am, and this time didn't
drink any tap water, even long after the tab had dissolved. The first
time, I think I spent somewhere from 10-15 minutes dissolving it
under my tongue. [I dissolved the first tab, and sometime after
drank a little water - this is probably a reflex.. if I'm drinking
alcohol, I will sip some water now and then. However, after I did it,
it dawned on me that someone might have written something about that
online, and I re-checked, and it did say that the chlorine in tap
water can neutralize the acid. This was mostly in response to those
who wanted to dissolve the tab in water, but it seemed that various
people were saying don't drink chlorinated water at least until the
dose has kicked in. I admit I haven't checked this
further.]
I could lack energy because I didn't get much sleep yesterday, and
normally by now I would go to bed. I was worried I might be sick
because my patterns have been so out of control, but I decided
somewhat spontaneously that 'tonight's the night', now or never, that
sort of thing. But I had remembered reading that it can be good to do
when you've finished up certain things. The house has recently been
cleaned, bedding changed, I managed to upload an entry finally
today.
But for the most part, I was really still myself, and still perfectly
conscious.
foreplay
While I waited for it to kick in, I watched an Insight program that
seemed appropriate.. it was all about the senses, different
conditions that affect the senses, and also ways the senses can be
tricked or expanded.
I'm not sure my mind is ready to focus yet, and I think my eyes are
maybe a bit blurry when I look at the screen because of the
brightness, but I'm not sure. I still have mild body rushes, or
something like that, it's more of a constant wave than a rush, maybe,
but I do occasionally get a rush - but that's usually specific to
something or other.
I'll note a few technical details down in case I forget. I hadn't had
caffeine/sugar since sometime around 19:00, and that was a strong,
large, soy latte mocha type drink. So the main effects of the
caffeine probably had time to clear my system before I took the first
tab. Because I had pronounced nausea when I tried shrooms many years
ago, this time I decided to eat before my trip. A bit of an unusual
dinner for me: 2 scrambled eggs, a whole wheat pita bread, some
baked beans (low salt), some rocket and a couple of pieces of red
bell pepper that I cooked in the pan the eggs had been cooked in.
(For colour and a bit of extra nutrition.)
I didn't experience any nausea during the trip, even when I added my
second coffee drink thing in at a bit after 9 am (or around 9:30, I
think.) That might seem like an odd time to add the coffee in, but I
waited first to see what it was like for the peaks of two tabs to
coincide, and then I thought about whether to have coffee or not. At
that point, it wasn't because I was afraid of getting sick, or
anything like that.. it was that I consciously wanted to try to tweak
some of the sexual effects of the acid. I had a kind of constant
feeling of arousal, and lots of rushes, and it has been a while since
I had the chance to experience that with caffeine, because I'm now
too desensitized or have too much tolerance, and I thought it was a
good thing to test.. and for me, it worked, I guessed correctly. The
jittery-ness of having the coffee was completely manageable for me,
and I was able to focus on the more pleasant sensations that I had
been hoping to tweak. No paranoia, no anxiety. I could feel the more
rapid heartrate, but found it manageable.
Later, I also ate small pieces of apple and pear that had been on
the chopping board for possums, and I found them quite tasty.
Because some people had commented that things can taste really good
when you're coming down, I got some things ready in case I want to
make a margherita pizza later. But, as far as things like nausea,
I've been fine.
It could be that because I was sitting in front of the computer
downstairs while I waited for the initial dose to kick in, my focus
was first taken by different things than would have occurred in my
room. I first became more aware of the sensation of touch, and kept
very lightly or gently tracing lines on my skin, and my skin felt
very soft, but there was something that seemed unusual, in that it
seemed like I had a better ability to 'communicate nuance' through
touch. I could be using very little pressure, but I could still
discern great differences between very subtle shifts. I know that my
self-consciousness resulted in how this was directed.. this was one
of the reasons I thought it might be a bad idea to try today, and not
wait until some time when I felt more confident and 'healthy', but I
had decided to challenge myself to see if I could guide myself
through it even when my self-esteem was low, and I had also
remembered something someone had written about how it probably is
best to do in a good frame of mind, but if you're stuck, it might
also not be bad to try it.
[Added 16.10.15: I remembered today that the sense of touch wasn't
the first thing I noticed, but it could be that when I started to
write, that was what I focused on because I was feeling good. What I
first noticed was that I felt very strongly on the verge of tears,
very emotional, and this seemed to last a very long time, but when I
think of the time period it occurred in, it might not have been all
that long.]
I tried to remain 'receptive' to the idea of energy moving through
my body in whatever ways it wanted to. I started to have the
feeling that I was actively participating in some kind of
'reconnection' work. I am not sure how to explain this, except that
in the moment, it seemed quite clear that I was figuring out how to
communicate with myself, and that there were still sense memories of
when I felt more connected to my body and to the sense of touch, and
when I had more confidence that I could effectively communicate
through touch.
I think before I went upstairs I had some strange urge to smell my
wrists, and I'm not really sure what that was about, but it continued
many times throughout the night. I considered rubbing some kind of
spice or vanilla or something on one wrist, but ended up spraying
perfume, wondering if that was a mistake, if I would find it too
artificial, but all night, I would compare the sprayed one and the
non-sprayed, and I liked both, in different ways, and I thought the
scent worked just right with my body chemistry. At times it changed,
though, most of the time it was a sort of natural exotic scent, but
for a while it smelled a bit rusty and it made me think of blood, but
it could just be that I got a faint whiff of the bracelet. I'm not
sure though, because I would also smell the bracelet from time to
time. And for a brief time, the sprayed wrist smelled like xmas
trees and gin. And then reverted back. [I also licked and bit my
wrists at times.]
While I was still sitting at the computer, I think, I started to
touch the tip of my nose, and to trace it in certain ways. And also
my fingertips, ah, and I remember trying to hear certain sounds, like
the sound of rubbing my wig hair between my hands.
warp factor
The program ended and I was going to write up a few things to start
before moving all my candles to my room, but the keyboard seized up
as it has been doing off and on, and I ended up losing what I had
written and deciding it was better to just go with the experience and
try to record it later. [Something a bit amusing: as I transferred
the (white) candles upstairs, I tipped one over. I cleaned up the wax
as best I could, but when I came back later, I noticed a bit I had
missed - it looked like drops of semen on the keyboard. When I came
back I was still tripping and didn't want to shut the computer down
to clean it, so the wax stayed put while I typed. I still haven't
managed to clean it all off.. ]
One thing that did occur to me later that I felt some regret about
was that I somehow had the sense that while sitting here I had
initiated a process to reconnect with the sense of touch, but that I
hadn't completed it before I went upstairs, and then when I was
upstairs, my focal points or tasks changed. I did not get the nuance
back or to another level. But, it seemed like a 'revelation' that it
was still possible to feel more, and to communicate, when I didn't
know if I could.
I will try not to judge what I'm writing, I will try to just go
with it.
I tried to sit in different parts of the room to get different
perspectives at times. I am not sure I really noticed anything visual
for quite some time. The first thing I remember was that during the
song Like A Possum [I was listening to a random selection of music],
I suddenly became aware of the lyrics that were something like 'I'm
the only one left standing', and at that very moment, it was like my
eyes locked onto a candle on top of the tv, and I could see a rainbow
halo around it. [This was the first visual hallucination that I
became aware of.] The flame looked like a moth that was dancing
with a flame, but also kissing a mirror. And for a while the moth
looked like a thin man with long straight black hair, but he had no
face, kind of like Marilyn Manson's crotch in that video. The rainbow
halo stayed for some time, but another visual effect I noticed was
that the light display on my camera seemed very very long, how do you
express that, it's probably a common thing, with light 'stretching'
or looking like long bars. And that happened with some other candles,
too, but some candles had these wispy things sort of floating around
them, and I tried to pick up the wisps and direct them a little but
was only a little successful. What do I mean.. hmmm, like the ribbons
in rhythmic gymnastics, except maybe black, and a bit like smoke. But
they moved like the ribbons in rhythmic gymnastics.
I had awareness that if I was feeling more confident, I would allow
myself to move in more graceful ways, but I was actually kind of
dorky and awkward most of the time. I think I was exploring what it
was to be 'out of time' with music, but also to go back in time to
before I started training to be more graceful? I am not sure if that
makes sense. I was trying not to put pressure on myself, and I also
had this awareness of trying to give myself acceptance. I accepted
my awkwardness and imperfection.
Sound.. I kept wanting to cup my hands around my ears so I could
listen to sounds it was otherwise difficult to hear, like my
breathing. I thought my breathing sounded sexy. I had trouble
singing.. I had trouble getting much sound out, and I didn't think I
could stay on tune, but if I only made very quiet sounds, during
very particular songs, I could hear something musical and pleasing
from time to time. I kept trying to get back to those things, to
repeat the sounds.
At a little after 8 am, I realized that both tabs should be at a
peak. Sometime around here, I remember hearing a song by someone I
used to communicate with online and who I once met in person, and
it sounded really amazing. I was thinking again wow that holds up
really well over time, I really like his voice.
I remember later noticing that something by Foxygen sounded really
amazing, stood out, it might have been oh no, but I'm not sure.
Also, I wasn't scared by darker songs, like Psychokiller or Suicide
and Other Comforts, and with the latter, I remember hearing a lot
more complexity in it than usual, and that while usually when I hear
it I am detached from it or want to quickly get to the next song, it
just sounded more interesting and even musically interesting.
Even relaxed and aroused, I was self-conscious, and I realized it was
possible to have a better experience, but that for now I would accept
this one and go with it. I decided not to move down certain tangents
toward more overt sexuality, but I think it was helpful to me to have
the remembrance of earlier in the evening, that I might be able to
try to consciously direct that process or pick up where I left off at
some time in the future, but, there was some different vibe in my
room and I couldn't get on the right wavelength to continue today.
I kept smiling and laughing a lot through the night. Not in a cynical
way, but in a having fun kind of way, feeling good kind of way. At a
certain point I realized I didn't have to worry about having a bad
trip, that no matter what I could probably figure out how to help
myself navigate whatever came up. I found it quite amusing to think
about the concept of a Cosmic DJ, but I think also it was like I
'got' his/her sense of humour, and it was all fun.
It's probably good I tried this when I wasn't in a 'good phase',
because it does give me more confidence that I don't have to be
'totally in control', or 'more acceptable' in order to navigate my
mind. I did take a risk when I started out, and I didn't really know
for sure what to expect. I could have felt sick, and I could have
had a racing heart, anxiety, etc. I had been thinking that before
trying, maybe I should have tried to give up caffeine for a while, or
at least cut back drastically, but then I didn't know if that was
realistic at present - it's part of the problem.
Also.. I am somewhat curious to find out if this one event has
effects on how much alcohol I drink in the next half a year or so..
because various people have reported that for some reason even one
trip can reduce the amount of drinking a person does .. for a certain
time period, usually less than a year.
Even with the caffeine, I still had at the same time perhaps a deep
sense of relaxation, but I am not sure if I am describing that right.
I still feel relaxed now, but it's a more 'fun' and 'sexy' kind of
relaxed than with the pot cookies. Ah.. more than once, I forgot to
write this.. I thought that maybe lsd is a bit like ecstasy, if you
are in the right frame of mind. But I would have to try ecstasy.
[I think once many years ago some was slipped into a drink of mine,
but I would like the chance to try it by conscious choice.]
I'm starting to think it might soon be time to get a snack.
I haven't had any gastrointestinal issues, but from time to time my
stomach has rumbled a little, which might be to be expected, due to
the amount of caffeine lately, and my b/p behaviour, and all the
alcohol.
I'm going to try to eat half a banana, and a bit more apple. I also
have a glass of water, because I feel thirsty.
I think maybe I'm like a born psychonaut or whatever.
Banana was very easy to eat. The apple isn't as good as earlier, but
the other one had been sitting out and was what has been called a
bit of a 'leather apple', which sometimes possums will choose in
preference to a fresh one. But yes, fruit seems very easy to eat as
a snack.
dancing in the moonlight
I didn't get claustrophobic in my room, but I didn't expect to. I
might actually have a much less good experience in 'Nature'. And I
think also it was good to do it on my own here. I suppose that's a
bit risky if things could go wrong. [I did go to the kitchen a
couple of times, and at one point tried to photograph the photos on
the possum wall of fame, because for some reason that stood out to
me.]
From what people were saying, I should probably not expect to sleep
before 18:00, but I think it's possible I will be able to sleep
earlier than that, or that lying down will feel nice at a certain
point.
I'm not sure yet if I would enjoy more to sit in my room and watch
something, watch something here, or start looking at the photos I
took. There are a lot of photos, and it will probably take a lot of
time to sort through them, and find the 'faces' and other unusual
'random' effects. It might be good to do it while still tripping but
I might be chilling out now and I can always save that as an activity
for another day.
I could search to start comparing my recollections and impressions,
but I am not sure I feel like doing that, or doing anything too
involved right now. I wonder if I should try to describe anything
else, before I forget.
At first, I might have wondered if something weird was happening with
my throat, like with the pot cookie, but it didn't progress in the
same way, and it is like I said, that the sedating aspects with lsd
seem a lot more enjoyable to me, because they come with 'extras',
maybe.
Almost suddenly, I feel like I want to take a break from trying to
get more down. I am thinking I might want to enjoy this relaxation
or comedown phase, if that's what it is. It seems pleasant. Maybe
it's a bit like how alcohol relaxes me but also makes me less
inhibited or more energetic? That's unclear, but maybe however it
works, for me, lsd and alcohol are more closely related to each
other than to pot and its effects for me. I wonder if I am more
sedated than most people because of what I've been inflicting on my
body lately - maybe it's worn out, but it's weird, it's almost like
my body is responding in an 'intuitive' way with the acid, such that
I don't actually feel 'unhealthy', and am just relaxing and
recovering, maybe.
ok, no more writing for now. Hopefully there's enough to sort
through later.
23:54
I had a very relaxing sleep. I needed to masturbate before sleep.
Sometime between 21:00 and 22:00, even though I was still relaxed and
could have slept more, I thought I should get up and try to keep to a
certain routine, in part because I noticed that my stomach was a bit
iffy. I was a bit nervous that going too long without food might
provoke it. It's fine now, but I admit I took some paracetamol, and
this has helped contribute even further to a complete, all over body
relaxation. Maybe some people might express it as feeling drained,
but for me it seems more like a very pronounced feeling of
relaxation.
I don't have a sense of urgency, but it does seem that my usual
routines are likely to kick in. I will want to look and see if I
managed to capture anything weird with my camera, and I will think
about putting an entry about the experience on my site, maybe linked
from the nimbin page so it's not completely outrageously flaunting
drug use. There aren't any photos of me.. what I tried to do was
just capture random strange patterns in the blurring of light. I
couldn't capture the stretched light (actually, in checking my photos
later, I did find many that captured at least something of the
'stretched light' effect) or the colourful halo things,
but at least with the former, I do seem to recall seeing this sort
of thing in music videos and whatnot. Ah.. but there are a couple of
photos that do I think capture what I saw a few times with closed
eyes.. not very dynamic, mostly black with little blobs and
wiggles of light, and sometimes a bit like looking at a night sky.
I had really struggled with my entry called 'patterns'. While I was
in Melbourne, I posted while things were happening. I suppose it
makes sense to post the struggle I am now going through, but so far,
if people do see that I have written I'm out of control, and they
factor in past history and the concept of 'patterns', they can
probably figure out what is going on.
Anyway, maybe because I felt good about how I managed to resolve the
entry it made it seem more likely I was in a good frame of mind to
try lsd.
In the future, it would be better to find some kind of environment
that is more stimulating (and colourful) than the usual room, but to
try lsd alone, it does seem like my room made a lot of sense.
Originally, my plan was that GK and I would take lsd while still in
Northern Rivers, and either go back and forth or stay in one of the
really cool rooms we rented, plus there's the garden with the odd
assortment of artworks, but I didn't score the lsd until we were
leaving.
I knew that colour and patterns might make a more interesting trip or
trigger more in both visual and other ways - and while there are
maybe some geometrical patterns in my room, it's mostly black and
white, with a bit of dark wine colour, and some mocha. Because of
this and because I was wearing black, I painted my fingernails and
wore a bracelet I bought in Northern Rivers to have something
colourful or different to focus on. As I waited for the first tab to
kick in, that probably did have some effect on why I first started to
explore the sensation of touch, feeling arms, hands, fingertips.
While I was in the peak phase, I brought some clothes out of my
closet to look at. I thought maybe the things I had recently bought
in Northern Rivers might be good, but they didn't have many
memories/associations attached to them and didn't glow. What stood
out to me most was a red/black/purple/green/pink dress with roses on
it that I had bought in 1991? or so, one I had gone dancing in many
times. I tried to photograph it, but had trouble getting the right
effect.
Followup, next experience:
here.
->back to nimbin
->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net
