memedance: the next step


I tried acid (for the second time in my life) while home alone. I mostly stayed in my room again, but for 'colour' I applied psychedelic makeup to my face.

First, a personal update: last year, after trips to Melbourne and the Northern Rivers region in NSW, my drinking and bulimia were out of control. It took until late November before the bulimia subsided again, but unfortunately, it was probably because I had re-attained my body's desired weight. I know that most people believe that bulimia helps people to lose weight, but for me, that is not the case. It occurs as I try to find ways to get comfortable after losing control. I wanted to stay thin, but bulimia was never a realistic plan. When I am actively engaged in it, I am usually in a gaining phase. It mainly reduces the discomfort associated with this phase. Binge/purge and alcohol related behaviours both represent my particular kind of addiction. I need some kind of 'release', and I prefer what alcohol does for me.

If I gave up drinking, I might be ok for a while if I could remain in a strictly controlled restricting phase, but eventually I will crack. If I allowed my body its desired weight, perhaps I could maintain at a healthy but personally unattractive weight, but I'd always long for release and some kind of excess, and to be fitter and at an ideal size. I do not believe bulimia is healthier than drinking excessively. But the issue is: when I imagine having fun, going out and doing fun things, it's not unconditional. It's not the activity itself that 'means something'. It's that the pleasure in part depends on being as fit and attractive as I can personally be. That's part of where the excitement is, and the potential for enjoyment.

I have had 4 isolated b/p epdisodes since I stopped in November. I am still trying to stop drinking again, but am having trouble.

If I'm going to be 'fat' (ie, a medically acceptable but socially unattractive weight), I'd rather it be through drinking than binge behaviour, or accepting food intake that was considered 'healthy', but resulted in me feeling I would explode at any time. But, I would much prefer to achieve and maintain at a weight that I find 'optimal' for me. If there was a drug that could do for me what drinking does without weight gain, I'd take it.

The second time I tried acid, the results were a lot more extreme. I took 3 tabs instead of 2. I do not know the actual acid content.

This time, trees were 'breathing', and I tried to breathe with them. I touched a branch and I could 'hear' the sound reverberate far into the distance. I watched videos, and when it came to people's facial expressions, it was like the difference between still photos and moving pictures - to the next level. It was amazingly complex.

[This time, again, the first thing I noticed was a heightened sensitivity to touch. Normally, if I stroke my own arm, there is nothing really sensual about it, but on lsd, in the early stages, there is a window, a time when I am extremely 'receptive'.]

I looked at myself in the mirror for a time, and my face was not still, it was moving, morphing, constantly. It was face dancing. The proportions were in flux. I had first applied a small amount of brilliantly coloured eyeshadow to my face, and that worked well with this process, and I enjoyed looking at myself, was fascinated, but taking test shots with a camera, I could see I needed more, that it needed to be more extreme to translate for the camera. But as I did that, it was like I could see the impossibility. For a moment I might be able to achieve a harmonious balance, but it would not last. My features were unappealing, I was trying to 'fix' them, and I came to the conclusion there was nothing lasting that would hold. I could not maintain the balance indefinitely, because being me was not something it was 'good' to be.

I found myself 'ugly', but did not look away. I thought about the implications, and I tried to offer myself compassion and patience. I thought that if I looked long enough, perhaps it would shift to something less 'ugly', that I could 'understand' myself better. I realized that my hate for myself went very deep. I did not think there was anything I could do to change myself or make myself less 'ugly'. Does this mean I believe I am a 'bad' person? I think it represents that the conflicting impressions I impart relate to many impossible situations. All of my genes are at war with each other. I cannot choose a side that will end this conflict.

It could have been an extremely scary situation, but I observed it, and didn't look away, and then I took photos, I did the face dancing thing myself. Each thumbnail was a movie that could keep playing without showing the same exact image again. I could see which images I would keep, and which I would delete.

I removed the colourful, psychedelic makeup, and then reapplied my usual daily makeup, and took more photos. I still saw complex movies in thumbnail.

Then I sat and listened to music, and thought. I could see very well that I don't see where to go, and that I hate myself so much that I think the best thing for everyone, including me, is to die. I felt depressed, but then I started to think that what I should do next would be to make a face dancing movie that approximated my lsd experience. And when I came to that, I felt relieved, I felt like I had done the best I could, or got the most I could have out of the experience, or, that in an impossible situation, that was the most 'positive' course of action.

But time has gone on, and I only half-heartedly tried to make a movie (out of the numerous stills I took that day). And so.

What does it mean to 'waste time'? Do we really understand what is essential in evolution? Can we speed things up with conscious intent?

I am not sure where to go from here.

->back to nimbin
->exile on meme st: a diary