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when it comes to attraction, i seem to focus mostly on men, and when i write about anything relating to my own sexuality, i also seem to focus on men. but when i have erotic dreams, i think i dream of women as often as i dream of men. i don't wake up feeling guilty or embarrassed if i've dreamed of a woman, and i don't have thoughts that maybe i'm a lesbian. i don't like the idea of being limited to only 'lesbian' or 'heterosexual', or even 'bisexual'. i usually feel somewhat pleased when i've had an erotic dream about whoever, whatever, etc.
i'm one of those people who think that most of us could probably go either way or many different ways depending on circumstances. i think it's possible that the events of my life pointed out my direction. i think it's possible that because of the early interaction i had with my father that i understand and pick up on the signals men send better than i do the signals that women send.
but it's a bit of a muddle. my first (remembered) sexual experiences were with females. when i was approximately 5 years old (or so), a female babysitter initiated a sex game with me. i remember feeling excited. she was to kiss me somewhere, and then i'd reciprocate. when it came time for me to kiss her vagina, i became frightened by her dark, very thick pubic hair and i balked. she tried to force my head for a bit, but as i continued to struggle she gave up before long. i was not angry with her. i felt guilty, that i had left things unequal, that i had been unfair.
through the years, i have never felt that this girl did something wrong to me. i've had a lot of sympathy for her. i had this feeling, even if i didn't know how to articulate it when i was a child, that she lived in a highly sexualized atmosphere, and that she had probably experienced some fairly bad things. i had met her father, and i had this feeling that he was part of it. i do realize that i might have the wrong impression.
after that one incident, until about the age of 10, on rare occasions when i had sleepovers with girls my own age, i would hesitantly try to initiate the same sort of game that the babysitter had intitiated with me.. mostly reciprocal kissing of body parts, but i also remember playing some kind of strip card game in a bathroom with a group of girls, and also once simulating intercourse with a girl (we were completely naked, missionary position with me on top). other girls would seem to be curious and excited, but also a bit afraid, as i had originally been. i remember being self-conscious.. not wanting to pressure someone if they weren't interested, but at the same time i think i sensed when it might be possible to overcome someone's inhibitions. reading that now.. i feel that i'm sort of treading on dangerous territory. i realize that some of these girls may now feel that i abused them. i'm not sure how to take responsibility for that except by admitting that i did try to intitiate sex games with other girls, and that if i have harmed anyone, if i had conscious knowledge of it, that i would definitely suffer over it. so, if any of these girls needed to resolve things, i would definitely admit what i had done, apologize (and mean it), and i would suffer thinking of how i had hurt them. it is already difficult now just *imagining* that i may have hurt them.
i do realize that it is not unusual for children to play sex games, but it's all very tricky, and sometimes events that are relatively minor may have a bigger impact than people suspect.
eventually, i think i realized that it was somehow 'not right' for this kind of behaviour to continue, and i stopped trying to initiate anything. i do remember having the conscious thought that maybe when i was older i could try again. when i was a teenager, i sent out feelers a couple of times, but i got a pretty clear idea that the girls involved were not interested. [note: any time i put out feelers, it was always with girls my own age - i didn't *ever* try anything with any girl i babysat.] so i thought i would put it on hold until i got to university (this wasn't so difficult for me, because i was attracted to males and this preoccupied me), except i never got to university. living mostly in isolation from age 16 on probably prevented my social skills from developing normally, or maybe they never would have developed normally. anyway, through the years, when i've been in any of the short phases when i had more contact with the world, it was usually much simpler to try to attract men. i would be so starved for sexual attention, to feel attractive, to be touched, to have emotional interaction, etc. it was easier to find men. it seemed that all i really had to do was walk around outside.
when my family moved back to toronto i was 17.. at that time i was dealing with going out, and i explored the city on my own. i walked and walked, and i took the subway and just got off in random places to explore. on the very first night, i seem to remember being somewhere downtown, and seeing a couple of men walking with their arms around each other. they kissed. i remember feeling happy, feeling glad i was back in toronto, i felt it was the right place for me to be at this time in my life. i tried to smile at them, and i wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything, and i think i probably came across as staring or maybe i just looked too conventional or something, and i think they looked suspicious of me, or even slightly hostile. but that period of being able to deal with the world didn't last long, and in the following years i was inside very much more than i was outside.
so.. many years went by. then.. a few times when dancing in clubs i sort of made out with females on the dance floor, but it was never anything major. i haven't ever developed crushes on women the way i have with men. i'm not sure why that is. it could be because i'm predominantly heterosexual, but it could have something to do with my socializaton, and lack of opportunity, and/or it could have to do with repression that is related to guilt, fear and the feeling that it's not realistic. i'm finding that as my self-confidence continues to deteriorate that it's more difficult to even develop crushes on men now, and the repression seems to lead to erotic dreams.
i'm not sure what my type in a female would be. i'm at a point where i'm not sure i will ever feel up to any relationship with anyone, and even if i were, i find it hard to believe that i could attract someone, considering all that's 'wrong' with me. but leaving that for the moment.. i will admit that i like the idea of having a female to go out with.. to cafes, and to go dancing together. i like the idea of dressing together, performing grooming rituals together. i like the idea of dressing like vampires, or like anais and june in 'henry and june'. i like the idea of it not being with the object of attracting men. with no particular object, just being together, actually, now as i'm writing about it and allowing my imagination to wander i find i feel sexually aroused, so yet again i do see that it would be possible for me to have a sexual and possibly romantic relationship with a woman in the right circumstances.
a few years ago, my regular doctor (not that i'd ever seen her more than a very few times) was on maternity leave, and i needed to get a referral for a pdoc to do a psychiatric assessment of me. i felt there was some kind of chemistry between me and the replacement doctor, although it could have been all in my head. i think i was looking somewhat sexy on that particular day. it was at the first glance, it was like i felt something pass between us, and then it was repressed. she had short, greying hair, was of average weight/build, and didn't emphasize her feminity in any way. i wouldn't have thought of her as my type, and yet the initial contact produced some kind of sexual charge. when she spoke to me, she was incredibly sensitive to me, very kind, compassionate. i don't remember ever having contact with any other medical professional who was so sensitive. i had the thought that her job must be very difficult for her to handle emotionally. i actually wasn't sure how someone like her would be able to cope with it in the long run.
after i left, fantasies spontaneously forced themselves into my consciousness.. of being in a log cabin with her, baking cookies and making popcorn, cuddling up watching rented movies together. i don't really consider myself a homebody, or the log cabin or popcorn and video type. (i like watching movies.* it's just that many years ago i started to feel so frustrated.. it was like movies had become my compensation for not having a real life. i wanted more of life. *this statement needs to be qualified, but i will save that for another entry. )
i think one of my issues is that i lacked the nurturing that most people get (actually, i don't like to assume that most people get the nurturing they require). my mother sort of rejected me at age 13 for choosing to live with my father, and while my father's girlfriends were all decent people, they weren't interested in taking on a nurturing role. maybe that's what those fantasies were about. this particular woman had the kind of personality that might have felt nurturing to me. maybe it's not flattering to be attractive to someone because they need a mother, though.
when i think of having a female vampire-type lover, i think it's with the subconscious assumption that we're both 'sick' and needy, and that we can find what we need or compensate for it creatively by indulging in 'sickness' together. no, i'm not referring to lesbianism as 'sick'. the sickness pertains to being creatures of the night, creatures who don't fit into society. maybe she's bulimic, too. we're both addicts of some sort, and have some kind of obsessive-addictive relationship that ends in death.
i've often thought that probably only a woman could understand longing the way i experience it, and my insecurities, and how much i once cared for people and how much effort i put in. i don't consciously have a wish for a woman to come into my life. i do think of it as a possibility, as a part of myself that's possibly been repressed, and that depending on which way things go, maybe i could go further in that direction than i'm currently able to imagine.
i like to look at beautiful women. part of that may be related to the biological need to be able to gauge the competition, but i do experience a kind of pleasure in looking that probably doesn't result from feeling inferior to these women. maybe it's that beauty is like art, and is uplifting, inspiring. but i don't really have an interest in looking at beautiful men, it's not the same. but the women i'd find technically the most beautiful.. it doesn't necessarily mean that i'd choose that person as someone i'd have a romantic relationship with if i somehow had the chance. it's like with men, i guess.. attraction depends on some elusive thing you can't always pin down in the moment, although you may be able to analyze it and figure it out if you try.
i've always been self-conscious about my motives. i think it's almost considered 'in fashion' now for *women* to be bisexual, and sometimes i think i avoid mentioning anything in part because of this. i don't like political correctness, either, and i think as a result some people may have made certain assumptions about me.
also.. it's almost a requirement now. it's like women are expected to be open to having sex with women, and it's related to attracting men. like men now like to have the possibility of threesomes, or at looking at naked women with their partner or just imagining that their mate has had sex with women before or would in the right circumstances.. if women can't be this flexible, a man might feel he wants a partner who can offer more, who is more 'open-minded'. so it's a competition thing. women are adaptable. they are used to pleasing behaviour. they know what it's like to be kind, and to share physical love when they are not in the mood, and just apply this to sex with women. so there is that aspect of it.. and i think i could have been influenced by these factors, depending on the relationship. it's complicated. i don't think i could be influenced by these underlying issues now. i think i'm screwing up a bit. i know there's more to it, and that for a lot of people it's about experiencing more aspects of life, it's about being open.
it has been possible for me to feel intensely jealous of women, but usually only in relation to a man (because otherwise, just observing, i tend to just admire), and usually it's been short-lived. i like that at certain times i am able to go with intense emotions, experience them without repressing them. i'll see what's beautiful about a woman, what's interesting, etc, and i'll realize a certain man is interested in her, and i'll eventually understand that she may have more to offer him than i do, and that so may others. and then there's a period of adjustment where i let go.. and it usually doesn't take long. and i try to focus on what i have to offer, and that maybe there is someone i'd be better for.. but maybe not, because that's just the way life is, and i'm pretty empty, but i think i accept that, and realize i can't be anything other than what i am, and all i can do is focus on that, and just do my own thing. and usually, right away to try to boost my self-confidence i will try to attract someone else. if a man threw me over for another woman, i wouldn't blame the woman. or the man, really. i can't seem to help wanting people to do well, to express their particular talents, to have their moment. sometimes i think that the people we are drawn to help us to access parts of ourselves that might be necessary to help us do whatever it is we have it in us to do. it's just the way my mind works. maybe it's just a pathetic sort of value system that's been adopted out of weakness.. like i know i can't compete by being unusual, so i'll compete by being 'nice'. but i can't help the way my thought processes work.
it seems so unrealistic to me to think that a woman could ever be jealous of me.. i'm so pathetic, so powerless.. when i think of my website, i think some women might feel hostile with regards to some of the photos and whatnot, and i think i'd understand that, but at the same time, it's like i don't think of myself as all that attractive in a technical sense anyway, and i'm not what men generally prefer, so they don't really have to worry. (er.. not that they'd worry. i sort of assume that they find me pathetic.) also, i don't in any way assume that lesbians would find me attractive. but at the same time, it's like i have a kind of courage. i think some people assume i think i'm really hot and i'm saying 'wow, look at me', when really what i feel is incredible insecurity, but have this need to be bold, to say 'this is all i can do. i don't know how else to express myself. i don't currently know of any other way to cope with my existence.'
when i had a crush on a man who i suspected was gay or at least bisexual, i also found myself thinking of women, and maybe in part it was a way of trying to get closer to this man, and closer to understanding him, and to being more open to life in the ways that he was. and it was probably also about trying to be independent in a way, not dependent on one person for all my emotional needs. maybe that was related to pride, in a way. was it a way of trying to throw the focus off my insecurity and emotional dependence?
at different times in my life i have been more open to the idea of a relationship with a woman, and sometimes i dream more about women than men. currently, i don't think i'm very focused in this direction. tonight i have something of a lovesick feeling, i feel very emotional, but i'm not sure exactly where it's coming from or where it should be directed. maybe it's just related to my period. (first day today.) but i am feeling curious about just how big a factor unconscious repression has been in my life.
sometimes i think that sex is just another form of communication, and that it is a natural extension of friendship to have sex with a person, and that it's only because i haven't had the chance to have real friendships with women (because i've lived isolated, because i have very little in the way of social skills, because i haven't had energy, because there is too much 'wrong' with me that would scare potential friends off, because i've been too depressed to really be a friend, because i don't really have enough in me to find a friend or be a friend, or continue to be a friend, etc.) that i haven't been able to test this idea.