25/11/05

The recurrence of bulimic behaviour is probably related to current house renovations. In 2001, GK's family visited for a few days, but aside from that, no one has really been in the house in all these years except me and GK (and the possums). The house is my 'safe' place, the place I hide. At times like this I realize how 'sick' most people would find me if they knew much about me. Actually, that awareness never really leaves me, but when people come into the space I live in, I feel an instinctual fear of human judgment and/or repercussions of some kind.

Approximately a month or so ago, I stumbled drunkenly one night into a very large cactus while out on the balcony observing possums. Since I was anesthetized at the time, it wasn't overly painful. A large bruise appeared on my thigh above the knee, but I didn't think much about it. As the bruise faded, I noticed a red, swollen area. I wondered if a piece of cactus spine was still embedded. I hoped that it would work its way out on its own. As it didn't, yesterday I got a sewing needle, applied flame, and tried to dig around to see what I could see. Between digging and blotting blood, I eventually realized that I was probably just making the situation worse. I couldn't see anything. So I poured some tequila over the wound, and then had my version of a panic attack. At this point I don't feel up to coping with going to a doctor, and can't see myself being able to manage it anytime soon.

[I 'operated' two further times, and on the final occasion, 27/12/05, I was successful in retrieving a piece of cactus spine that was approximately .5 cm in length.]

When people look at my websites, are they aware that I don't have a 'real' life? That I don't answer the door or phone (unless I know it's GK), that I only very rarely leave the house? That I have no ongoing email contact with anyone (and that when I have brief contact, I probably make people feel bad or uncomfortable even though I want to let them know I appreciate their comments), or contact with my biological family or anyone from my past? I exist in my own way, but it's like I keep spitting things out online almost involuntarily while I wait for the release of death. I wouldn't want to encourage any person - younger, older, the same age as me - to continue in these thought or behaviour patterns. At the same time, I don't want to be dismissed as a worthless piece of crap by mainstream society because I still can't at my age find a way out of these patterns. Although even if I am, I don't care. :p

I've been meaning to elaborate about the previous 'stability' of my eating patterns. Even when eating foods I'd normally consider binge foods, I had been eating reasonable portions. But, one thing I neglected to mention was my way of coping when alone in the house. GK often has to go away for 2-3 weeks for work. What I usually do is lock most of the food supply into a small extra bedroom. I also lock away coffee and alcohol. There is an extra fridge in that room, and some of the book shelves are used as pantry shelves. For the first 1-3 days I'm alone, I will have a few binge-type foods. On a few occasions, I've had alcohol and/or coffee for the first day or so. I won't vomit after eating, but when the indulgent items are gone, I go into a routine of eating only cereal with milk until GK returns, for every meal. I had gotten to the point where I was finding that system 'normal' for me, the healthiest possible alternative. I did actually suffer psychologically through the period of deprivation, but when GK returned, I would usually settle back into a pattern of stable eating fairly easily.

I had been eating in a more healthy way - GK was preparing a lot of our meals, and I was eating a lot of vegetables and fruits, and a wider variety of foods than usual. I noticed that contact with people related to the renovations caused an incredible amount of stress. I wasn't able to find ways of dealing with it and I wasn't able to talk my way through it with GK. It's evidence of the fact that I am not by a long shot healthy or well-adjusted, and that it doesn't take much to upset the precarious balance. As long as I can shut the world out, as long as I have a safe place, my eating is more stable, but I don't see that as a realistic approach over the long term.

At present, the small bedroom is locked most of the time, most of our food supplies are in that room, and GK has to bring out the items he needs for his cooking/meal preparation as required - which I'm sure is a pain in the ass. But, I am still out of control, and I find ways to exploit the situation. I am not doing very well. I keep hoping to refocus. I don't want the situation to continue as it is, but it's like I need to go into some kind of rehab for an extended period. If too many decisions are left up to me, I just keep cracking.

Other updates:

Obsessiveness in latent stage.

And in another way, my life has calmed down somewhat. In relation to the cyberstalking: I had my computer thoroughly checked out, new firewalls were installed, I disabled my site statistics (in July - they are still off), and I stopped the computer activities during which I had previously noticed any issues. As a result, I feel more peaceful about all of it.

But... I have been experiencing a lot of anguish over the idea of my upcoming 40th birthday (in March). I know it's just a number, but it's difficult for me all the same. I think that if I had managed to realize certain creative ideas by this time that it might be easier for me, but instead I feel that creatively I'm somewhat stuck. I need to take things to a new level, and the pace I'm moving seems unbearably slow considering what I had hoped to do.

Speaking of 40th birthdays - To a certain someone: I hope it's a happy one.