xesce may 2004
I know I'm just rehashing the same old things with this new page, but I'm still stuck, and time passes so slowly and I don't know what else to do. [I'll work on getting the gifs to line up when I can.]

I'm currently working on an 'extra' site that is fairly complicated, and it may be some time before I'm able to clarify certain info on this mia page or add much to it. [Just one example of something that needs to be addressed - I haven't mentioned much about fasting so far.] I still have a lot of ideas/plans for my main site and various other 'projects' that are in various stages of development, not to mention certain updates, but it's all so slow and frustrating. I feel overwhelmed. And I want to walk away from all of it, but I can't. I try to, but the time passes so slowly and it's unbearable and it feels like I'm extremely sick and I have no choice but to vomit/express what I can. And I don't feel better after.

[I'll work out how I want to handle the format here eventually.] I don't celebrate Christmas, exchange presents with anyone, go to parties, dinners, etc. I still feel stress, though. Like with other holidays, I feel lonely and sort of wish there was somewhere to go. There's nowhere I fit, though. I don't feel very talkative. In my old diary, often I'd put up a new picture when I didn't feel articulate. Click here for a picture.

I haven't abandoned this site. The 'extra' site I mentioned previously is stressing me. I can't seem to just leave it alone, and I don't seem able to concentrate on anything else. I'm hoping to get a first draft of it web-ready enough soon.

A lot of bugs to iron out with new site. Exhausted.
[Later the same day: There are probably still lots of little problems and issues, but if you would like to try a free, anonymous (you don't have to send an email, you just click a button and look at what pops up) online tarot reading, here's my new site.]

I dyed my hair red.

I don't seem to be treating this like a 'real' diary. I'm staying on the surface here, while creating tunnels in my old site. I might be self-conscious about messing this place up. My current situation in brief:

1. I'm obsessed with someone I have no contact with.
2. I feel isolated and out of options, and have recurrent thoughts about just taking off - anywhere, with no plan - on the spur of the moment.
3. It's possible that two separate people are cyberstalking me. I'm having trouble handling the possibility that one has hacked into my computer.
4. I'm obsessed with someone I have no contact with.
5. I am not currently working on any creative projects.
6. While I am not engaging in bulimic behaviour, my eating habits are not exactly healthy (I'm eating a lot of junk food, my weight last time I weighed myself was slightly below my 'normal' range.)
7. My hair is now dark again.
8. The possum who visits me regularly might have a baby in her pouch.
9. I'm obsessed with someone I have no contact with.

I need to take some time away from online activities. This is as much warning as I can give. I'm going to *try* to work on some ideas I've had for some time. If anyone sends me email, it may be a very long time until I actually see it.

I still haven't worked on anything I have been meaning to work on. Another 'extra' page has been created out of photos taken in a two- day period, with mostly Anaïs Nin quotes attached. It has all been thrown together quickly, and is a mishmash of styles, with some more 'finished' or working better than others. I think it may represent a step toward a new diary, one that allows for a more chaotic approach than this mia diary. I am thinking of this new page as a diary entry, or the current installment of "Hotel Chaotica". ["Hotel Chaotica" is a term I liked when I read it in Anaïs Nin's work, and I like the idea of using it as the name for a travel diary eventually.]

Apologies for any paranoid or otherwise weird emails I have sent in recent months. I feel like I've become so closed in on myself that I don't know if I know how to communicate with people, except through my websites. I don't ever stop feeling like I want to die, but I don't emphasize that on all sites. My mia behaviours aren't currently much of an issue, my eating is stable, but I'm not thin or fit. All year I've been trying to get myself to concentrate on exercising again, but haven't been able to manage it. I don't want anyone to see me or look at me. I'm not sure that would change if I lost weight or exercised. I'm pretty isolated, falling into old habits of hiding from the world as much as possible. [Note: My apologies do not extend to the person who let me know he was cyberstalking me. The response I sent was valid, and I still feel the same way. He said he was going to stop the behaviour, but it looks to me like he hasn't. I am angry and feel frustrated by this situation.] [Further Note added 28/01/08: What I refer to in this entry is a separate issue from another 'cyberstalking' issue I discuss later in this diary. The former issue was resolved.]

Another new 'extra' site: Possum TV

I think for more than a month now I've been back to bulimic behaviour. For the long version, click here.

My favourite Xmas song is: Elvis Presley's 'Santa Claus is Back in Town'. I intend for that to be amusing, but it actually is true. I have no other comment at this time.

Bulimic behaviour has subsided. No vomiting for more than 3 weeks.

Hi to Katy. And thank you.

It's been many months since my last confession. I think I may soon attempt to organize or process some of my perpetual personal chaos, or at least try to trace or update some of it. For now, I will mention that I am just back from a place I am at least a little in love with: Melbourne. I stayed in one of the creatively unique self-catering Honey Apartments for 2 weeks. It turned out to be an excellent choice. If you follow the link to the owner's site, in the Visit Melbourne section you can see some of the places I checked out. I also went to the vodka bar Mink (with GK) at The Prince - and highly recommend it.

In Sydney, I stayed here in March for my 40th birthday: the Vulcan Hotel. It turned out to be a very good approach to dealing with something I had been dreading, to the extent that it was probably one of my best birthdays ever. I genuinely liked the Vulcan Hotel. Here's a photo of the outside I liked that is no longer on the hotel's website.

In both cities, I spent a considerable time on my own just walking, wandering around before GK joined me for the last few days. I felt more independent than I have in some time.

Now that I've had the opportunity to stay in a self-catering apartment, I probably can't rave about the experience enough. It's an approach to travel that really worked for me. Ok, now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by how bland my writing is and how it doesn't capture the experiences or complicatedness, and so I think I'll leave it at this and make an attempt to elaborate when I'm able.

A couple of quickly created, surface-y entries related to my travels for now: a somewhat twisted chocolate ad, and a few drunken snapshots taken at Mink. Addictions. Is my life in an ever-worsening downward spiral? Will I ever hit bottom? My life has actually seemed more interesting lately.

I forgot to mention that a couple of months ago GK and I did a lot of work around/on the house. There was a lot of preparation, cleanup, etc. We painted the entire outside of the house, which required me to face some major fears, some involving self-consciousness related to being outside for long hours, some related to stabilizing extremely tall trestles on very steep, sloping ground and then climbing them. It was a lot of work for both of us, both of us contributing major and comparably equal efforts. However, in spite of some of the internal renovations undertaken late last year, there are still some house issues that have been left hanging for a few years now.

Just after I booked my trip to Melbourne, GK and I received an invitation to a wedding celebration. A friend of his, one of the 8 people who attended our wedding, was getting married to a girl from another country. The actual wedding would take place in her home country, but there would be a second party here. At first I decided to cancel my trip, but then wondered if I could cope with a more flexible response - to fly home for one day, then back to Melbourne for the last 3 days of my scheduled trip, with GK possibly joining me. To cut a long story short, with the help of frequent flyer points I managed to be flexible, and I was able to show GK some of what I had discovered on my own in Melbourne.

I am working on a long, complicated entry related to my ups and downs so far this year, my eating patterns, b/p, binge drinking episodes, restricting, fasting, despondency, hope, confusion, my complicated approach and feelings related to travel, etc. I hope to have it ready within a week or so.

The long, complicated entry.

Massive over-production of skin cells is freaking me out. I am leaving 'body dandruff' all over the house. There are very noticeable buildups on the stairs, floors, furniture, sheets, etc. All of the clothes I wear end up full of flakes. It's pretty revolting. In addition, some of the extra skin cells seem to be clinging on in patches to my body. It is difficult to exfoliate them. I guess it's related to the slightly colder climate in Melbourne, and walking around outside. Maybe it's a good sign that I'm shedding so much. Anyway, it won't be long until it's spring here. Hopefully my skin will soon go back to normal. [Note: I have a pre-existing skin condition. I do not think my recent mia behaviours have caused this current problem.]

The Hours and the hours.


A second page has been added to dissection. Also, a framework for a newletter-type page: Flail! e-zine. I'm not sure whether to see it as a place to eventually put a different style of writing, or as a different kind of expression that is complete in itself as a diary entry. For now, it's full of Dostoyevsky quotes. I have to admit that GK wrote the bulk of the code for this site. It's my conception and design, and a lot of the boring odds and ends to fill it in are done by me, but the tricky stuff and the main structure was something I didn't have the skill or patience to figure out on my own, although perhaps I have learned some new skills through this exercise.

Mocha, latte, cappuccino, etc. (beige)

Just a vapid entry about makeup. If you think you will be offended or dismayed, it's best avoided.

I've been dealing with bathroom renovations, looking into an official divorce, finding an apartment or place to go, dealing with excruciating low self-esteem, and taking up the study of psychology. For a longer version, click here.

I am 41 years old today, and I think I am also divorced. The hearing was today, but I opted not to attend (as did Gk). It is amicable, there are none of the usual squabbles, with the added benefit that there are no sproggen to saw in half, dismember, etc. I suppose I'll get some kind of notification in the mail soon.

I wouldn't check for email on my birthday if some part of me didn't wish there was something there waiting. But.. the older I get, the more I realize that I am some kind of mutant that can't respond in the appropriate ways. I can't help wanting some kind of interaction that is probably weird, unpleasant, or inappropriate to most people. I think I just end up biting people's heads off, or that's how people feel, and as a result, people get more and more scared or reluctant to talk to me. I really don't blame them. :>

I am spending this birthday with GK and various possums. I think I might be having a good time.

I received confirmation today that the divorce has been finalized.


I am currently contemplating the mystery of Libor.

That girl needs therapy.

I have not gone anywhere in public for months. This weekend, I sent myself a gift basket with champagne and chocolates, and ordered food from a gourmet pizza place. (No b/p. A lot of the food is still uneaten.) I also created the following entry: How Not To Get A Date on Friday Night.

I am working on a new temporary page to take the place of the current 'temporary' page that I've been using as a 'base' for probably about 3 years now. I am not sure yet how it will work out, but I feel that I need a change. For today, here's an extra picture that I won't be using on the new site.

It looks like I was wrong about that 'extra' picture. I have changed things around today with my main site, and have added a blog. It's a Yahoo!360 blog, majorly custom-tweaked by GK. The blog templates exhibited a lot of unpleasant 'features'. Fortunately, GK is a Very Smart Boy, and was able to make my design work within the existing limitations. He also contributed the blog mascot (blue-tongue lizard) shockwave animation. There are some navigation annoyances with the main site, which may at present represent my own mental disorganization or the feeling that I don't yet know how to simplify, or be more consistent.

Another weekend with nothing to do. Except...


All I Want For Christmas Is A Romance Scam.

Greetings from the island of misfit toys.

Routine end-of-year enema-type entry.

My Imaginary New Year's Eve.

Doors of perception. It can be difficult to know what anybody is trying to say. If anyone has questions, or would like to try to talk, email is welcome.

Yesterday I spent time face dancing. I'm still trying to figure out what I mean by this. The strange thing about all of these photos is that they are unprocessed, except for cropping. (And adding borders.)

I will soon be travelling for a couple of months. I may be able to post entries here as I travel, or to a new travel site. If I don't manage either, there will probably be something after.

This is my last entry here. It is time for a change. :> However, I will leave this site as it is. New additions to xesce.net at present focus on my recent travel. My first diary entry there discusses body issues.