I don't feel able to discuss what I've gone through with regards to recent bathroom renovations. However, I will talk about a few other things at this time. (I may eventually file something about the last few weeks somewhere in the old diary.)

1. I inquired about an apartment for rent in Melbourne a while back (I am also looking into getting an official divorce), but did not receive a response to my email. It could be that it was so popular a property that it went very fast and it didn't make sense for the agent to respond to emails that had missed the boat. [GK and I are on good terms, care very much for each other, but we never thought that we were getting married 'for real', and imo if we stay technically married much longer it will be disastrous for both of us.]

2. I contacted a psychologist who wrote that she was interested in receiving emails about people's experiences online. It has now been a month since I sent my email, and it looks like I will not be receiving a response.

I think both of these efforts represented an impulse to challenge myself or to find a new direction, or break away or break patterns.

With the web, you can't always jump to conclusions when you don't receive responses. Emails can go astray or be accidentally deleted as spam. People may have heavy workloads, go on holidays, get sick, have personal crises, etc, and may not have time to answer emails, or may need to prioritize what they do respond to. I can't rule out the possibility that I'm coming across in unappealing ways, (egs, repulsively self-absorbed, ignorant, just plain boring, etc), but I don't have enough to go on to know for sure. I find myself annoying, and it wouldn't surprise me if others did also - so this could be a valid deterrent for people to respond to me. Also, psychologists, doctors or anyone in p-professions or possibly many people in 'responsbile' positions may face liability issues in having contact with persons who express the sorts of things I do (eg, the suicide stuff.)

I feel self-conscious about the email I sent out to the psychologist-educationalist Jill Arnold (of Nottingham Trent University). In a way, I feel relieved that I did not receive a response - maybe I was unrealistic in the email, and I wouldn't actually have been able to hold it together to offer much input/discussion in reality. Maybe I am not persistent enough - this has probably always been one of my big problems in life. However, I do think that I may have been on to something, a direction that makes sense considering who I am. I might have approached things awkwardly, and directed effort in the wrong direction this time, but perhaps overall it wasn't a bad idea. Anyway, I now seem to be moving toward learning more about psychology, starting to look up books, branches of psychology, etc. I have just finished reading several works of Freud.

I am including the email I sent. I think it is a relevant part of this entry.

(Subject line):

Identity and Development of Self in Cyberspace

Hi Jill,

While surfing the web recently, I came across various articles regarding the psychology of cyberspace and self-presentation on the web, some of which were authored by you and Hugh Miller. I read on your home page that your areas of study and interests included (but were not limited to) the psychology of the individual, identity and selfhood, as well as photographic and autobiographic portraits of middle-aged women.

I also considered writing to Hugh, but as I had time to absorb what I read, I concluded that your interests might more closely match up with my experiences and ideas. I realize there is probably much overlap, and if you wish to forward my email to Hugh or to other colleagues, I would have no problem with that.

From your paper "Academic Masters, Mistresses and Apprentices: gender and power in the real world of the web", with Hugh Miller:

"One disappointment in the study of personal webpages has been how little people have exploited the possibilities offered by the medium of the web to present themselves as complex, varied and multi-faceted selves, and this is as true in academia as it is generally."

Perhaps in having 'nothing to lose' it's easier for me to explore areas that would leave most women feeling too vulnerable and exposed. I also wonder if in trying to work out my psychological issues online I have made it impossible for myself to ever establish any kind of credibility. Even if you remove material later, cached copies could come back to haunt you at any time. People you have trusted in intimate interactions may betray your trust to future associates or potential employers.

I wonder if perhaps my viewpoint might be relevant, considering your many areas of interest. I am not a woman in academia, rather I am an example of how an identity can develop outside the framework of structured learning, without the support or validation of social institutions, without the respect of peers and family - how in some cases the human need to express and acknowledge one's existence overrides feelings of low self-worth and powerlessness - and how cyberspace is perhaps one arena in which a person can potentially develop some of what there is to identity besides career and usual social roles. I don't have a balanced existence, but in cyberspace I feel that I at least have the semblance of an existence.

I am a 40-year-old woman who has been housebound for almost all of my adult life due to long-term untreated clinical depression and related conditions. I have not held a job as an adult, and my education has consisted of patchy and inconsistent self-education. I have had two long-term intimate relationships, one of which resulted from online contact. I have had net access for 10 years. In my everyday life, I remain virtually invisible and powerless, yet online I have established a presence/identity, and have become aware of the possibilities for self-development and expression in cyberspace.

I write most of my own html from scratch, and I create almost all of the images that appear on my site. It is an extensive, complicated site which is currently approaching the 200mb mark. Some entries are 'light', and much of what appears is repetitive, but there are also many creative twists and turns and much serious personal reflection.

Through learning the language of html, and through experimentation with digital photography and digital photographic processing software, combined with personal writing often evoked or released by the images and structure I create, I have over time been able to identify and describe many of the fragments of my personality, and have tried to find ways to bring them together in ways that are personally meaningful, to create a foundation for myself that I've seemed to be lacking. At times I view my site as a representation of my psyche and/or as an attempt to create a place where I 'fit'. At times I see it as an elaborate filing or memory system, and at times I see it as a form of communication that at least hints at some of the possibilities for the future of communication.

I frequently add to the body of the site itself, with updates, corrections, extensions, even little (somewhat hidden or not obvious) tunnels and connecting passageways throughout that link the diverse subjects and approaches in unexpected ways. My current home page was meant to be temporary, and I still think of it that way, (the offshoots are currently much more detailed than the home page) but at present it is probably the best representation of where I'm at. Just as I can't seem to hurry up my personal development, I can't force the creation of a more 'complete' home page, one that communicates more of what I'm still struggling to access in myself, and perhaps one that would make more sense or have more relevance for visitors.

My website can be found here:

http://www.xesce.net

It may be best to just let you wander around, but if the organizational structure of my site leaves you somewhat lost, most of my recent mini-sites/sections are linked from this page:

http://www.xesce.net/about.html

My first webpage, created in 2001, is here (I still occasionally add entries in obscure areas):

http://www.xesce.net/obxesceion.htm

One relatively recent entry that might help in understanding where I'm coming from... Admittedly it's rough (and very long), but my most organized and detailed attempt at explaining my psychological issues is here:

http://www.xesce.net/mia_right_frame5x.html

I think I am now moving towards trying to find a way to 'contribute' or interact that is different to anything else I've yet tried. I am perhaps trying to challenge myself, to think, to learn, to see what else I can do. If you feel that I could offer any input into any of your areas of interest, I would like to give it a try.

If you would like to discuss any of the topics I have outlined in any part of this email, if you have questions or comments, including comments or questions about my personal website, I will make the effort to share my thoughts and ideas.

A list of possible areas of discussion:

1. Personal responsibility with regards to content and the perpetuation of false (poorly researched, expressed or thought-out material) or potentially psychologically damaging information. Personal responsibility with regards to any interpersonal communication, like email. Eg, How do you reconcile responding as a human being with not encouraging someone who is distressed to lean on you too much, especially if you are distressed yourself, or trying to cope with personal stability and boundary issues? How do you draw the line or figure out what course of action is likely to do the least damage in the long run? I have found that online people are much more likely to express distress openly.

My current 'home' page is gender-neutral, but not overly welcoming or informative - it may confuse visitors. Is much of what I express throughout the rest of my domain likely to perpetuate gender inequality issues, or women's self-hate issues? Could what I express damage young women psychologically, especially if their own identities are not yet formed or their critical thinking skills not yet developed?

2. Online interaction vs in person interaction: my personal observations and experiences, including why I have chosen to meet some people in person and not others. Also - I wonder if this is more common to women's experience, or just mine: when I meet people in person, I don't seem to experience the 'shock' factor that many people I've spoken to describe. Whatever I've picked up about people through their online communications prepares me -very well- for what they're going to be like in person, and the in person presence -makes a lot of sense- to me.

3. My personal approach to self-photography doesn't depend on me conforming or catering to cultural ideals with regards to appearance, and is a mode of expression that can be continued as I age and develop more skills with photo-processing and photography - it allows me to explore different facets of personality without limiting me to my physical age and all the baggage that goes along with that in westernized cultures.

You can't get away from cameras in present day life. This brings up a lot of potential problems for people who can't compete or deal with this aspect of modern life.

I sometimes think about working with women who have appearance and photo self-consciousness issues to help them to see and develop other parts of their selves/identities (if I could ever be personally stable enough to deal with the various details involved with getting into a position where I'd be able to do so) - I sometimes wonder if this could be a way in which I could interact in life. But along with that, just the idea that it may be possible for women to develop in more directions through this sort of creative process, of working creatively with their own images. To combat the power of outside images with one's own images, with a focus on individuality, personal uniqueness and creativity.

4. My thoughts on learning html as a language: the possibilities for creating your own images, writing your own code, etc, contribute to the possibilities of expression of multi-faceted existence... women are often good at languages, html is a language that can be learned, a way that women might not feel intimidated with, and a very effective way of coping with increasing technologized existence in creative and potentially humanizing ways.

5. The types of communication I receive relating to my site as oppposed to the types of communication exchanged on a public newsgroups and in very personal email relationships.

6. My experience when I first launched a website: I felt that I lost credibility with some of the intellectual persons I had contact with. Up until that time, I was beginning to feel more self-confident through my ability to converse with people I considered intelligent and interesting. I could see the possibilities for myself in utilizing a webpage, though, and persevered in spite of the feeling that I had 'diminished' in the eyes of certain people who were important to me.

7. Thoughts on webpage design as construction of a building, home, etc, and how welcoming the results vs webpage design as a representation of the labyrinthine construction of the psyche (welcome to my mind or nightmare?), also thoughts related to the psyche not as a static entity, but as a process that involves motion, change, expansion. Which leads to all sorts of issues about how people impact each other in the realm of cyberspace.

8. The availability of site statistics for analysis, and what effects this can have on how a person chooses to present themselves, see themselves, what potential problems and 'abuses' can occur. (Eg, in my personal experience, having a large number of files with unusual names and content made it possible for a 'cyberstalker' to harass me by creating a kind of language out of file names and by linking chains of information by clicking repeatedly on certain entries, or groups of links.)

9. Credibility and moral/feminist/social issues vs unpleasant realities or perpetuation of gender inequalities and a possible increasing need to compartmentalize.

That is probably more than enough for now. Even small amounts of feedback or email response would probably trigger many more possible areas for discussion. I feel self-conscious about my inability to narrow the field, but reading your work brought a lot to mind.

I found references online to your photographic work, but was not able to access it.

Thank you for taking the time to read my email. A response would be greatly appreciated, even a very brief one, (possibly with pointers to reading material), if you are not able to comment at this time.

I would guess that through your work in teaching all ages and levels of education that you would be accustomed to adapting to different styles and levels of communication. Still, I suppose that there is something of an intimidation factor for me, which probably accounts for the stiffness of this email. :>

Warm regards,

Xesce

Reading it over now - yikes. But, since I still haven't managed to kill myself, I will probably need to find something to do to fill the interminable hours, and I suppose learning something about psychology (and possibly other subjects, like philosophy and ethics, etc) is the direction I seem to be headed in for now.