***WARNING***

I DON'T LIKE USING SPOILERS, BUT THIS SITE CONTAINS A LOT OF MATERIAL THAT RELATES TO SUICIDE AND DEATH, WHICH COULD BE CONFUSING OR UPSETTING TO THOSE WHO ARE VULNERABLE.

THE FOLLOWING IS OBSOLETE. AS IT TURNED OUT, NOT LONG AFTER I WROTE IT, I WAS SORRY I HAD WRITTEN IT. THINGS TOOK A TURN FOR THE WORSE, AND THERE ARE NOW NEW CONSIDERATIONS WHICH HAVE MADE ME FEEL IT IS ESSENTIAL TO PUT AN END TO MY LIFE BEFORE MY QUALITY OF LIFE DETERIORATES FURTHER.

The first incarnation of my website was uploaded in 2001. Since that time I have tried to describe my experience with depression, disordered eating, addiction, social isolation and a consistent, persistent wish for death that was strong enough to feel like a need. I had felt that way for many years before I could articulate it publicly. I was consistent and clear in stating my wish for close to 3 decades.

I think something is changing now. I am reluctant to come across as too confident or sure too soon, and I definitely do not want to be held up as an example: 'See, she didn't really want to die.' Or, 'If she can pull herself out of it, you can too.' It's important to me that people who have not experienced suicidal ideation, or who have not experienced it to an extreme enough extent to relate to me do not judge those who cannot just snap out of it. Nobody should have to live in the state I lived in, for any length of time. My story is one story.

My site will remain as a record of my journey. I'll try not to edit out errors, ignorance, offence so as to show it's possible to change, or to learn.

What I think is happening is that through years of struggling, I have cleared out and organized enough that I can 'see' more, and now I am ready to try to restructure my memory and life frameworks. I don't think this means I will re-enter society and become a productive member according to usual definitions. It means that I have accepted my situation, I'm at peace with the efforts I've made to change and understand, I'm grateful for many things in my life, I'm proud of myself, and I think I'm 'strong' enough now to live and possibly enjoy aspects of an alternative life that might still be quite isolated. I feel 'stable' enough to make choices and draw limits for myself. I trust that even through the struggle with addiction, there is an underlying pattern that allows for creativity and personally meaningful accomplishment.

Take care of yourselves, Possums.

-Xesce, 02/04/19

[This message above represents the only inconsistency in a period of approximately 30 years. What isn't clear here is that I still would have been very happy to have been offered a humane end-of-life option.]

If you'd like to compare this to the intro from 2013-15:

->intro 2013
->xesce.net