Whether it's to question me further, point out mistakes in
accuracy, or offer some kind of sign that what I have said and who I
am has been seen, no 'family' member has attempted to
communicate with me regarding what I have expressed. I don't know for
sure if this is related to stigma associated with what I have
expressed, if it is about anger toward or judgment of me, if it is
about modern passivity in communication or a traditional familial
communication style where it is an unspoken rule that things remain
on the surface/adhere to a certain level of 'appropriateness'.
(A quote of mine from the family
section of my
Update: Since I put up my 'psychoanalysis', one family member has
contacted me. He put in a lot of effort trying to process an
enormous amount of info and to open a dialogue. He has been able to
answer some of my questions, to fill in some of the blanks when it
came to my speculations regarding how I was perceived by family - at
least he was able to share some of his perspectives.
As it turned, out, I was not so far off in my speculations. The
perception he had held of me changed through reading parts of my
psychoanalysis, and through my responses to his emails.
I think we both tried our best to communicate. The problem is that
what I am trying to express is ultimately depressing. Depression
includes a lack of joy, and a lack of interest in life. I know what
questions to ask and I know what structure to adhere to in giving the
semblance of a caring relationship, but I myself can't be a 'family'
to anyone, except maybe to those who are in a similar position as
My brother (I referred to him as B1967 in my psychoanalysis), didn't
try to force his opinions on me or change my mind. He truly made an
effort to demonstrate that what I was communicating was now seen. He
let me know that he would like us to be part of each other's
The problem is that I am too far gone. I don't have a life to share,
and any relationship feels unbalanced to me. Once I've explained
about why I can't maintain relationships, there is nowhere to go from
Another issue is that while corresponding with my brother, I would
often recall memories and associations related to family history.
This brought up a lot of stressful feelings for me. It is not fair to
discuss other family members behind their backs. Resolution would
have to be attained with each member individually. Emailing all
members in the same way would be a daunting task, and it would not be
possible if the others were not open to it. My brother did say that
in the past he wasn't ready to hear it. Also, some members may not be
as comfortable with written/email communication.
The process is long and draining, and I write incredibly long, heavy,
tedious emails - I can't seem to do it any other way. I constantly
feel like I am imposing, and like I am an extremely boring person who
just doesn't fit anywhere. But even leaving those issues aside, if
others were willing to put up with them as my brother was, in the end
it is disheartening to explain the reality of the situation, even if
I manage to do it accurately.
The easiest way to sum it up: they want to live and I don't. This has
been a significant (in most cases the most significant)
incompatibility in every relationship I have had over the
What I'm going to say here is that I do think I understand that
everyone has done the best they could. I have also done the best I
could. I think that the best way we can help each other is to try to
live the best lives we can - apart. I wish happiness for all the
members of my family. I have not so far had a happy life, but in my
own way I continue to try to make the most of my life.
To any family members who would like some kind of resolution: If
there are any inaccuracies you wish to point out, or if it is
necessary for anyone to email, I will respond, but I'd prefer it if
from this point on we are all divorced. For my own sake, I am seeking
a divorce from the family as a whole. My situation is an impossible
one, an extremely complicated one, and even the very best outcome in
family relationships can't change my suicidal wishes - I passed some
point of no return too long ago.
It is not fair to post things on a public website and then refuse to
respond if others question it, challenge it or need some kind of
resolution of their own, so while I am still technically alive, I
will respond if anyone in the family has questions, would like
resolution, or needs to point out discrepancies.
The scary thing for me is that maybe I have been 'right' about a lot
of people's misconceptions of me throughout my life. In a way it is
like validation, but it is very lonely. All of the people I have had
contact with can pass on ideas or attitudes about me to others,
whether consciously or unconsciously, and in many cases I will never
have any way of defending myself. I suppose that my motivation in
having a website (as well as my reluctance to take it down) may
relate to this. I realize that I risk spreading further
misconceptions, but at the same time it feels like the only real
chance I have of standing up for myself.