Esoterica does not refer to what I'm hiding or keeping secret, or to any knowledge I think I possess that is only to be shared with the initiated. Esoterica is what I don't know, the knowledge I crave that I don't have access to.

...Why, how am I, for example, to set my mind at rest? Where are the primary causes on which I am to build? Where are my foundations? Where am I to get them from? I exercise myself in reflection, and consequently with me every primary cause at once draws after itself another still more primary, and so on to infinity. That is just the essence of every sort of consciousness and reflection...

-Notes from the Underground, by FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY