That Which Is Wanted Or Needed.

Seeking and Acquisition. All that shimmers and intrigues and compels us to venture into the unknown. Our wants and needs propel us along our individual paths, hopefully teaching us about life and ourselves, and the underlying factors that inspire us to seek whatever it is we seek. As we accumulate experiences, knowledge, possessions, how does that accumulation impact those in our lives, and the world around us? How does it affect how we see ourselves and our place in the world and in life?

When we get what we want, does it feel satisfying, even momentarily?

Does it lead to new questions, or to refinements and specifications?

Do we always miss the target, uncover illusions and feel more and more impotent, learning that the purpose of desire is to grind us down into submission and that it is better to want nothing, to never experience desire in the first place?

I don't think that's a lesson I have the capacity to learn.

I am not sure what it is I have to share. I do seem to have a persistent need to share something.

I am still trapped in patterns that I can't find a way out of. I am still so awkward and afraid, my timing is still bad, and it seems like it becomes ever harder to create lasting links, or to find situations in which I can sit still long enough to experience a feeling of intimacy. However, in spite of all my negativity, in spite of all my maladaptive reactions to life and to people, I somehow keep trying to figure things out. I keep trying again and again, in spite of all my annoying proclamations that I am totally dead and gone except for the physical technicality. My efforts often look to me like a kind of programmed response, or a kind of imbecility. But if i look at it as objectively as I'm able, it seems to me that there is still a creature in here somewhere who is trying to make the most of what she has been given to work with.

What follows is something of a diary for a little more than 2 months of my life. It's partly about me coming to terms with turning 40. I wonder if there are others out there who have patterns similar to mine, and if my attempts to document my experience might have some relevance for someone other than myself. If not, then I guess this is just for me. I have come to the conclusion that that has significance in itself.

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22/05/06

the need to vomit.

in this particular way.

the same old themes. i'm in the part of the cycle where i've been eating, vomiting and finding whatever ways i can to feel some kind of altered physical and psychological

last year, another idea i had, to prepare for the future, in case i wasn't able to kill myself, in case time kept going on and on, was to start to create a supply of videos to watch, to pass time when time was agonizing. i didn't like the idea of accumulating, or planning for my weakness and continued humiliation.

it wasn't like it was even all that easy to pick what to tape. in all this time, it's been almost a year, i look at my supply, and there's really so very little of it that's actually

all the movies i watch, all the things i watch, it's like when i think of rewatching i just want to back away i just don't feel i can do it.

but it's like at present i want to work through the entire supply, i want to push myself further toward *something*. i want to use up the emergency supply, making it unusable for a few more years. and it will be unusable for a few more years, and probably the majority of it will not be usable again for emergency or other purposes. there's too much desensitization, and

the shows that are the most 'watchable' in my emergency supply are the l-word, sex and the city, grey's anatomy and boston legal.

the way i wake up every day and experience my life, the internal stresses that continually push me, i just don't see any of it. even in foreign/arthouse movies. ok i admit that my attention span sometimes makes it difficult for me to stick it out, and that sometimes when i stick it out with the 'slow' movies there is a kind of reward. but i still don't really see anything that reflects my life. anywhere. little bits and pieces, but i mostly end up just seeking to be entertained or preoccupied for a moment by stuff that only touches small parts of my experience.

i am currently working through my '24' tapes (the series '24' - i think i have somewhere from 15-18 video tapes of various things in total). on rewatching, the suspense isn't there. the themes of loyalty, frienship, human ties vs ideologies or duties, special skills and instincts, heroism, etc - it all can only work if you're able to focus in and shut out that all the 'bad guys' have their own personal stories and ties and lives that led up to them becoming the people they are and to believing what they believe. if you think a certain side is 'right' or more right than the other. i won't be able to keep these tapes.

while i am watching the things i have taped, i find that i am bored enough that i can't drown out the voices in my head, the voices droning on and on about all this that i am now attempting to write. i know i've attempted to write these things before. i think i will end up feeling sludgy, unfocused, unsatisfied, and yet the urge keeps pushing and picking at me. so i'll write for a while, and then probably binge and vomit again.

all our lives, we are exposed to images and advertising, to the pressures of social and family interactions, to expectations, recognizable and not so recognizable. why do we wear the clothes we wear and end up with certain hairstyles and talk to certain people and not others who may actually interest us more?

i haven't looked at fashion magazines for years, but my mother started a subscription to 17 for me when i was 13, and after that i often looked at cosmo, vogue and elle (usually brought into the house by a girlfriend of my father's, but at times when i was on my own and had my own personal money, i sometimes bought magazines, especially to help me get through a couple of hours. later, my ex sometimes bought me magazines for the same purpose.) so, after years of looking at those magazines, and being exposed to fashions as worn by females my own age, by looking at the world around me, i look at myself through the years and think i really didn't ever get very far in expressing myself in the ways i wanted to through physical appearance. i do think that fairly early on i recognized that it wouldn't be by looking like a model that i'd stand out. i do think i understood i'd have to find some different way.

why do other people end up with the clothes and hairstyles they do? maybe the things you try and what ends up working or feeling comfortable actually helps you to define yourself. and if nothing works... or if all things only work momentarily, or under special circumstances...

but i guess at least some of it relates to expectations, realistic and otherwise, some you may not be consciously aware of.

when i speak of having a wish for cosmetic surgery, in reality it's not something i think would be easy in my case, with regards to what to fix. with some people, it is just a case of fixing a nose or some other feature, because the rest of the face is nicely formed. in my case, every aspect of the face represents something non-ideal. i don't even have any particular feature to play up or focus on. it reminds me of all my attempts to decorate or paint houses - i start out with the idea that something needs fixing, but when that one thing is done i start to become more aware of the other things, and in some cases changes bring totally new issues to the surface.

one way to define 'common' is that there are no features or abilities that stand out as unique or impressive.

my face lacks character. i'm not sure that's something cosmetic surgery could create. and through the years, i've wondered if it's a matter of me needing to take a stand, to decide on the focus for myself, and if as a result of that decision, my features would come more into focus because i would make choices regarding hair, makeup, clothes, expressions, etc that would reflect the internal decision.

i sometimes want to pull my hair away from my face, or have short hair, to expose my face, stop hiding. but it's like when i've done that, i expose the wishy-washy quality of my character. i am uncomfortable in my own skin.

i don't even know if any of this is accurate, or if i'm suffering from the pressure that the world believes that what you look like represents who you are. in my case, am i

the nagging voice says that it is actually simple. i have a few choices. i have always had these choices. one, i could decide that it's unacceptable to me to live with the features i have, because they feel limiting to me, and i could kill myself. [sometimes i semi- fantasize that we all live many many lives, and that eventually we may try on or put on a body that feels the most us, although through all the others, through the discomforts and pains, etc, we learn how to bring who we are into focus.] another says that it would be cowardly not to make every effort to avail myself of all available resources in this lifetime to make the changes or make the effort to make changes. and if i don't act in either of these directions, then it makes sense that i get stuck with the wishy-washy features i have - along with the awareness that people (including myself) associate certain negative qualities of varying degrees with those features.

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when i speak of cosmetic surgery, i think some people, probably mostly men, would think my first priority would be breast implants. but it's not. i certainly would be curious about them, but i honestly think that my lack of facial harmony, the fact that i am so unphotogenic, is more difficult for me in my life. as i get older, the breasts are losing density, i do feel that they seem smaller than when i was younger. but, i still see myself being able to create something with my appearance if i were to be a very thin, fit sort of individual. my face has more of a chance of expressing the changes in my personality over the years if i work on it first. and it's not just that i want to make it more conventionally pleasing. i do want that (what i mean is, i have unpleasant features that are not identifiable with eccentric, interesting or unusual qualities, but with negative ones), but i would be seeking something more in addition, something that would bring what is unusual about me into focus. i don't think i'm seeking to improve my features to fit in better, and make life easier. i think i'm seeking to make some kind of artistic statement or to take some kind of personal stand related to my controversial approach to life.

but, when i work on transforming other things, like my surroundings, it never really works out in the ways i imagined. i think it's probably even more difficult when it comes to changing a face and body. you have fewer chances to get it right.

if you feel mousy and look mousy and walk into a hairdresser and put yourself in their hands, chances are unless you can communicate clearly, unless you have a clear idea of what you want and communicate that clearly, you are going to be kept in your place. you may end up looking more socially acceptable, but you won't have the power you were seeking. you may have change in your life, but it may not be yet in the direction you were seeking.

when i had a goth look and couldn't remove the black from my hair myself, but felt ready for a change, and i went around to a few places for consultations, that was the *only* time in my life that hairdressers have ever tried to steer me towards the more daring options. (otherwise, i have had people always sort of assuming i wanted the normal suburban good girl options that relate to my personal face shape and hair type - by the book.)

that is unfair - on a few occasions i have had haircuts or styles that i was pleased with. a couple of men hairdressers did a good job of picking something for me, working with my face, hair texture, etc, and the woman my mother bought the small resort from - just before school started, my mother had arranged for her to cut my hair, or she had offered. i don't think she was trained, but she had a talent for it. she asked what i wanted, and i wanted a current style - feathered.

she did a beautiful job. my hair was feathery, and in style. my hair was very fine, and never held any shape or style really, but on certain days it would look better than others, and at certain times it probably at least looked very soft and shiny. if i kept pouffing it up with my fingers, or held my head upside down and then quickly shook it upright again, it would look nice for a minute or two.

in the 80s, a feathery hairstyle, with a perm for body, and then curling it all around probably did the most for me. youth, and 80s excesses. and all the other stuff i've tried, it's probably all been off in one way or another, but partly, it's about changing times, and what's in style, and the excesses of the 80s aren't cool now. the imperfections that could be covered up with a sweet smile are now glaringly obvious. everyone knows what's really attractive now, and no one can hide. heh.

i can't find styles to suit my body now, because the thinking, the focus is all different now. even a lot of young girls look well kind of terrible in the jeans that are popular now. pants are low, and while i've heard trinny and susannah say they make the ass look smaller (and i guess that represents changing values and definitions of beauty), it seems to me they make a lot of people look less shapely and more clumsy, and that they make people's legs look shorter, or make the body

the reason they don't work with me is that my thighs are disproportionately large in relation to my body. when i wear those types of pants, the hips are small, and then it's like the thighs end up looking even bigger than normal, and there's no attractive shape at all. if they're flared at all at the bottom, it just makes my legs look shorter and bigger all over - it doesn't balance the proportions to add a flare leg, except in that unappealing sort of way.

also, if they're snug in the bottom and thigh, they are always too loose in the waistband, stomach and upper hip area. when i stand sideways, this sort of obscures one of my 'good views', which shows off the flatness of my stomach in profile. the bulkiness of the material ruins the line. a belt to cinch it in still ruins the line.

my thinking is that i'd either have to find a brand that seemed made for my body in particular that clung a little better in the areas where i need it, or i'd have to have some made or altered that are like modern ones, but adjusted to my body.

my guess also is that more expensive, exclusive brands might offer options that look better on me.

i've sometimes complained about sizing in stores. the reality is that most of the time, even when very thin, i could probably find clothes that were comfortable. most of the time, the time i tend to want to forget about, or dismiss as time when i don't really feel alive, i tend to wear loose, baggy, shapeless clothes.

but if i ever wanted to look 'sexy', the truth is, and i don't think i'm lying to myself, that at present either the styles are not really flattering to me, or they will not make them small enough to fit in a way that looks sexy on me personally. most stores here do not sell pants or skirts that are smaller than a 6 (american 2), and 6s are very hard to come by. even 8s are not that common, from what i've seen.

i have two pairs of victoria's secret pants that are (american) size 0, and a couple of weeks ago, when i weighed 48 kg, they were loose on me. i don't think they looked at all sexy on me. but it's like i need to lose more weight, and then find clothes that are even smaller to even have a chance of looking 'sexy'.

so many people say 'you didn't gain the weight overnight, so you won't lose it overnight'. well, i can gain a lot of weight in a very short time, even when i'm vomiting a few times a day. but i just can't lose weight quickly any more. my body just won't let me.

i think in sydney i might have lost 4 lbs in 2 weeks. but, i exercised strenuously for an hour in my hotel room in the morning, and then went out walking for several hours per day. while eating about 400 calories per day (for the first 8 days, and then i added more regular meals.) part of it might have been the stress or nervousness that helped me to lose that much weight.

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while walking, i remember on one day, and one day only, just for a moment, an old feeling i hadn't had in years. i think i had walked for a particularly long time, and then it was like suddenly i became aware that something was different, that i had reached a new level of relaxation, and my body felt like my body, it was starting to move like i remembered, and not in a stiff, awkward, anxious way. and so i think there might be something i associate with a particular level of fitness and exertion, something that as i get older and older it's going to be more difficult to experience, because i just can't put in enough effort.

[when i got back from sydney there was a 5 day period of binge/purge behaviour and one binge drinking episode during this time. with gk's help i got things under control and began working on the house. during that month, i ate cereal for breakfast, had one large iced coffee a bit later, 3/4 sandwich for lunch, fruit a couple hours later, and sometimes a bit more fruit later, then gk would make some kind of healthy dinner. we'd go for a 40 minute walk after dinner, and upon our return i would have a 50 calorie ice cream on a stick. on the days we went out shopping or to gk's doctor's appointments, instead of iced coffee i would have a coffee and dessert at a cafe, and sometimes a lunch out as well. during this time, i felt physically strong and healthy. it was never a struggle to do the physical work on the house, even if i had been working all day - i didn't experience weakness at all.]

when i was working on the house, i think it was good in the sense that it probably addressed areas of fitness that people neglect as they age. i put in *a lot* of physical effort working on the house. after a few weeks, i noticed that underneath it all i had quite a bit of muscle. and so i was thinking that the preparation, the first few weeks of exercise to wake things up before my trip to sydney, all the walking in sydney, and then working on the house on my return, all of it might have helped to address a lot of what needed addressing, and that it might be a good base, that if i could keep the breakdown small, that afterward i might be ready to train to dance.

but when the house was finished and we went to the meeting with t., the breakdown after was enormous, and i still don't know if or when i will be able to escape it. it seems to make sense to try to do something, to create an artificial date or occasion to aim at so that i can focus. to keep resetting little goals, or reasons to focus. another trip, maybe. and if the people had got back to me, [i sent an email to inquire about availability, total cost of a particular room in an extended stay hotel, but they didn't ever get back to me.] that might have been possible a few days ago. but i'm floundering. should i try to set something now.

i have done the binge drinking thing 3 times in the last 2 weeks. [at this time, i wasn't noting dates down consistently. i was in an extremely sad and disorganized state. i wasn't planning to keep any of what i was writing, i was just using it as a method of getting through time, and as an attempt to relieve internal pressure.] i feel embarrassed and depressed afterward, but i start thinking about drinking again fairly soon, and i think it's a sign that things are leading in a direction i don't like. it takes more. the first time, i had about 10 standard drinks. i felt ill, and sleepy and it was unsatisfying.

the second time i had 10 standard drinks in two hours, then a couple more later, and i felt a lot better. i had a better buzz, i felt a feeling of release, i had a bit of fun, i think.

the third time was similar to the second time. i didn't really have trouble with hangovers.

on the second two occasions, i binged then vomited immediately before drinking, such that i felt weak and a kind of tingling through my body. on the third occasion, i had reached that state 3 times that day (i mean, b/p 3 times that day, fairly extreme bouts each time)

i think i'm having more trouble handling conscious life. i am seeking body sensations that make me feel that something is fucked up, i suppose. i am engaging in behaviours that seem 'dangerous' or at the very least unhealthy. surely it's got to have an effect on a 40-year-old body?

just before new year's i had a broken rib. about 3 weeks later, i started walking regularly and gave up caffeine. in the next 6 weeks, i think i logged 120 hours of exercise, and for the last 3 weeks of that, i think i was eating only 550 calories per day. and then the sydney trip which was a different kind of extreme.

but during the 6 weeks, i didn't feel sick or weak. i actually felt better than i had for a very long time. i had a kind of hope that it might be possible to experience something enjoyable in life. i didn't know what. i thought maybe i was making some adjustment, that maybe something would surprise me.

even when i was in sydney, i didn't feel physically sick or unhealthy. i felt better than i had in a long time. it was better, infinitely better, than the fog of months and months of reasonable, non-excessive behaviour.

but my efforts hadn't been enough. the release, the pleasure didn't really come.

well, on my birthday, the chocolate and coffee i had (when i had been caffeine-free for a long time) did give me a high, and though it kept me awake all night, i had pleasant thoughts, and still a kind of hope.

after all the effort, i guess it didn't seem like enough, though. and i wasn't pleased with my physical appearance, and that became more stressful as time went on. i needed to be thinner, fitter, and i really need to do something with my fucking hair, and be a bit more daring.

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i still wish for death. that hasn't changed. and the longer i live probably the more putrid, festering and disgusting i feel i am. i do try to see the other parts of myself, but really, truly, i'm not sure i can really say in spite of my creativity that it's best i'm alive.

as for leaving gk. i don't think that whatever led to the crisis is magically solved. i think he's correct to think it will never happen again, and maybe that particular physical manifestation won't in our relationship, but i see the potential for further devastation of some kind.

i tried to live in my own flat. i think it was something good to try in a way, but i had too much contact with gk still, such that my patterns were still too much for me to get ahead of them, and my opinion is that unless i think i can go further away and cut off all contact, i might as well stay with gk. we are thoroughly co-dependent.

i need to feel i can carry something through. it's like when i know i can travel, or when i feel i can't do something. i am afraid to be too vulnerable, and so sometimes

no, i don't know if i can write it clearly. sometimes it's good to face something you don't know if you can face. i didn't know if i could work on the outside of the house, and the painting outside. i was afraid of the trestles, of the extreme sloping at the side of the house, and of gk's system of putting boards under the trestles, and nails in the boards to keep them from sliding, and tent pegs, etc. and i was pissed off at him for not being more concerned about me. for not worrying at all that i might damage myself and make my life worse, through my fear, if nothing else.

but he's right that i am a cautious person. that in that sort of situation i wouldn't take unnecessary risks.

ok, yes, nothing bad happened. and yes, my personality and physical adaptation made it less likely that anything would. i probably did compensate, and didn't take unnecessary risks.

[the trestles were 4.2 metres.]

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so i don't know what i'm complaining about exactly. i think it's like i want some kind of recognition for facing my fear, and for doing a job that was out of the ordinary in some respects. not just something in the normal line of duty for any person. and i guess that's something i don't know, don't know how in touch with reality i am. do regular people put in that kind of effort all the time without whining about it? and i just don't know. i want to feel unusually fit and full of stamina for my age or something, maybe? but i am not in any position to get that kind of feedback or knowledge. i don't know whether to adjust my thinking: regular people do even harder stuff than we realize all the time. or: i am still doing stuff or putting in effort that doesn't really mean anything to anyone but me.

i became a revolting shrew in my fear that i couldn't complete the job. also, i have so many insecurities attached to not working or earning money, and i have this feeling that all my efforts mean nothing and disappear into nothing. and because we had been discussing separating permanently - he would be keeping the house, while i would have nothing to show for my effort. [yes, this is ugly. and i guess that i'd even bring this sort of thing up drives home to me how far i am from the kind of person i would have wanted to be.]

in the end, gk paid me for this particular effort, such that it ended up being associated by me with my melbourne trip. through the years, in reality i feel like i owe gk, and that whatever efforts i've put in, they don't balance his, and that i owe him for room and board. but i do feel grateful that for this particular effort,

but i wonder through all the work i've put into the house, inside and out, have i decreased or increased the value of his home?

i think he personally takes pleasure in it, but i wonder, have i done things that professionals would assess in negative ways? and i honestly don't know. it's difficult to shake off the guilt. and uneasy feelings, that everything i do is somehow. not worth anything.

i don't think gk has done anything for me to complain about. and while i suppose complaining is a common human thing to do, it's a kind of behaviour i don't like. i think it's like i want more knowledge, somehow. what can't be denied is that gk offered a lot of support while i was working on the house. he offers a lot of support, period. i am not a fun person to live with. he is ready, often at a moment's notice, to listen to me. he did a lot of work on the house himself - and it seems like i'm not giving him enough credit for what he did. that's not fair. he did *a lot*. we worked on it together. it's true that i wanted more done on the house a couple of years ago when i painted it (inside), and realizing it wasn't a priority to him was partly what motivated me to leave not long after i did the painting. anyway, what i think would help, and would prevent the complaining, i think would probably be just some kind of outside feedback that i don't think i can get. i just need info coming in from more directions. feedback about or just interaction in different directions. a more rounded approach to life on my part. because gk is my sole support system. but there doesn't seem to be any realistic way for me to change that.

a bit into my breakdown, it started to get bad. gk did admit that he was thinking it was best i leave. but then the next day he was all sad and lonely and wanting me to stay. and i know that part of this is just about how difficult it all is, and how it's painful to let go of something, even if it's not right.

and i thought ok. i will make plans, i will do it.

and that's when i started to plan the second trip.

and i'm sorry that i'm such an ugly person. it is pleasing that he likes it, that he finds pleasure in it, i can see it sometimes when he looks around, and that in itself is worth something to me. and i want to be someone who can just leave it at that. and it sucks that it's complicated, and i do have other, negative thoughts. and it just seems symptomatic of my fear, and how i am deteriorating. i do think part of it is about not being able to shut out that i look at things from different angles. maybe i've always underrated myself, and so attract situations in which i perpetuate that in one way or another. or, maybe i just present myself with ever increasing opportunities to demonstrate weakness.

anyway. the next day, the same thing happened as before, when i made the arrangements to go to sydney. when making the arrangements, i was sure it was time to leave for good, but when i told gk about it, it suddenly took on a different meaning, and it was like a solution that was an alternative and not a permanent ending. it was something to shake things up. and when i told gk about looking into travelling to melbourne it was like he was relieved and the whole thing took on a life of its own and i found myself saying that maybe the trip could be a kind of reward for painting the house, something concrete to show for my efforts, and also, at the same time that it could be a potential solution or option, something to try to break my patterns, that it was almost like choosing to check into a hospital, or you know how in the past when people had nervous breakdowns it was often prescribed that they travel or go somewhere different, to the seaside or something, to think or just get out of the usual environment and routine for a while. and suddenly it seemed good to me and the idea of having a home to come back to, and i was so grateful that gk is so accepting of my horrendousness, and that i have so many unusual options in life. and when i think of airports, and hotels and the rest of it, there's something exciting about it, and a kind of hope again, i think.

it's difficult to accept the ugliness, difficult to even be conscious of it. to examine it. it's about cynicism and fear, i think. the greed. life is well realistically i don't have a lot of chances or options. my prognosis isn't good. i don't have support systems. money is a form of support. why do they make laws where in divorce couples split things 50-50? probably related to family, kids, because a lot of women ended up with the kids and it just isn't realistic for most women to find jobs that pay as well as jobs men can get. it seems offensive in a supposedly liberated age to think that a woman can't support herself. but when a couple live together, and have a certain lifestyle, they both theoretically contribute all they have to the marriage, to the partnership, to the life they have together. and if both parties agree afterward that one partner contributed more and they're ok with that, or they have personal issues and find it more psychologically fulfilling to take only what they came with or put in a technical, quantifiable sense, then there's no problem. why do people squabble so much? i could never understand it. the attachment to certain objects, the belief in ownership, the belief in what they deserve or what should be theirs or whatever. i still don't relate to any of that. one thing that i think about, though, is a kind of equality. a distribution of power in a relationship, and about what is fair. fair considering the unique personalities and circumstances involved.

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when gk signed on for this, neither of us knew it would last for long, or be so demanding. i feel bad about it, and i feel guilt. at the moment, though, i do have a chance for something unusual, even an interesting and potentially fun (maybe not the best choice of word, maybe psychologically fulfilling before the fact) death. and it seems simple. he has given me enough resources to work with. i don't have to rush.

and i think i'm building up to it, still. maybe it's another human quality that i can't totally eradicate. maybe another ugliness. that sometimes you just want to see how much you can do, and you don't know what you can do until certain possibilities present themselves. and with me, maybe it's like a greedy bulimic episode, in which i'm accumulating experiences in a particular sequence or not, but just accumulating parts of the whole as certain options have been made available to me. if you only live once, and as you go along you have the chance to try a few more things that you originally might have wanted to try but didn't have a reasonable opportunity, even if you don't have the same capacity to enjoy, you might still want to make an effort. you might want to try.

other people might do something more sensible. invest in education or training. or something. but knowing my patterns, without some kind of major help and change in me personally, that sort of thing just isn't going to happen or help. but, the idea of daring to travel, to let it all go and see what life shows me, that feels pleasing, i think it is even a kind of happiness. and i don't want to make it ugly, and i do feel grateful to gk, and i think i also do see that if he could contribute to my happiness in this kind of way, he would be glad to do it. if i could end my life in a way i found personally satisfying, i think he'd be pleased. i think he would also miss me and be sad. i also think he has the potential to recover. i also like the idea that he may have other chances in life when i am out of the picture. i want his life to be more full. i can see the way he responds to new situations and experiences, and i want him to have the chance to have more.

i didn't think i had the necessary energy or motivation to see it all through, to complete the project. it was a full time job for a month. seriously. it was difficult work. there were a lot of little jobs that had to be done, a lot of preparation. when you live in a house there are a lot of responsibilities, a lot of little repairs and issues that pop up over time, and if you let it all slide for years, there is a lot more to do than you realize. [in addition, i had to organize all of it. gk did contribute a lot of his own time and effort, but it was like i had to plan it all and mention all the things that needed doing, and suggest what we do next, and there was always the sense that if i let go, it would all stop, and years would go by and nothing would be done and i was afraid to stop, i wanted to get as much done as i could while i could.] i wasn't sure i could cope with it all, in part because of the resentment. i don't think i should be living in a house if i can't handle the responsibilities involved with it. i think of myself as a renter. that i should live in a flat, because i can stay on top of it all. i proved that i could. handle temporary temporary

it's so difficult to visualize results when you don't have experience. you can choose colours, but if you've never painted the outside of a house, you may not realize how different colours can look in sunlight. and in the end, i wondered if the changes were even all that noticeable. it was still the same house. without new construction work, there's only so much you can do, right? and yet, it was like i questioned myself and wondered if i could have taken more risks, gone further with things. there's still the possibility with 'accessories' or landscaping and a few other touches could be more daring. but paint, with paint you have the most inexpensive way to transform your surroundings. and it is the way that i'm most familiar with.

even if the paint job hasn't really changed much, other things have been cleaned up, which does help my sense of organization and i feel less panicked that the property is turning into a tip.

but do i really want to live here? there are things i really like about the inside and outside. but even when i'm in the house alone, i often come into my room and shut the door. as if

a feeling of family, and belonging. gk and the possums. i'm wanted, i'd be missed.

and there's always the war. and i don't think i can ever pick a side. well, the side has been picked, a long time ago, it's just that i haven't yet had the chance to act on it in the way i want.

and i think it does need the right circumstances, alignment.

if you think i can travel on my own, i could kill myself right?

but when i travelled, i felt so weak. so boxed in. and when i walked around, i felt boxed in, and scared, and i was trying to build strength, find the missing pieces, move forward.

it's like having to go back and try again, to rebuild strength and supplies or resources again and again, there's a sequence, and to get the release

i think things are shifting with the drinking, with me wanting to do it more because of a few things. as i get older, a lot of the things i used to daydream about or use to motivate me simply won't work. romantic love, sex, attraction - tied in to so much of who i am, and i realize i'm at a new stage in my life now, where i just don't have even the potential to have the kind of highs in those areas i wanted. so i have to adjust, refocus, but i can't hide that i'm just getting well more and more dead.

and i try to reach personal goals, i have to put in so much effort without much of a feeling of release or pleasure in return. add year after year of that experience, and it becomes very wearing, more difficult to believe anything pleasurable is going to happen, more difficult to find the motivation to do whatever.

so i see that what is *necessary* to me takes more effort than i can manage. and the effort and periods of non-effort alike - it's all stressful. the conscious awareness is so inescapeable. i feel pressure, i feel stress, i try to find release, and nothing really feels like a release.

so i put effort into this house, to make it as comfortable a place as possible to break down, to hide, to retreat with my tail between my legs. and the mind just shifts to ways of passing time more easily. of relieving the stress of constant conscious awareness.

what if i never give up caffeine again? what if i get drunk once a week?

what i don't like is that my limit is raised with the drinking. it was safe, to drink one bottle of chocolate-coffee stuff, mix with milk, 10 drinks approx. per bottle. but how did the limit get raised, especially now when i probably still weigh less than normal (even though i'm bloated) and my system should be weakened by all the bingeing and vomiting? i'm not sure, but it feels like in some ways my metabolism might be speeded up? i am wearing a baggy sweater to cover myself, but i feel very hot, although normally in these current temperatures i'd feel colder and need an extra blanket on the bed when currently i'm actually putting a fan on to help me sleep at times.

maybe it will all level out. maybe my body just wants to get me up to 'normal' weight after all the extremes of recent months as soon as possible, just wants to level things out.

but you'd think the body would recognize the lack of hope, the depression, the wish to die, when things just stay in that state.

i just want to escape this current lack of control. i want to try again, i want to go further, i want to accomplish something more extreme, i want the possibility at least of some kind of pleasure or release.

ok, to be fair, when i woke up this morning, it did feel pleasing to me in a way to know that i could eat without controlling myself. but that's not completely true. i chose the items before hand, arranged to have others locked up. but to look at the variety, the colours, and then to just not have to restrain myself.

but i am gaining weight very quickly. there is the bloating that goes along with active bulimia, but it's also like the fat cells all start bursting or pushing outward, and very often my stomach sticks out, and i might even look pregnant while bingeing (it's more like instead of a big rounded lump it's all evenly packed from top to bottom?). i have some skin around the stomach that probably stretches out very easily whenever i binge.

i want help. i know that if i could be somewhere isolated, and fed only prescribed amounts at intervals, that in time i'd enjoy the feeling of emptiness and that i'd feel a kind of hope that it could continue long enough until i could feel like the me i would prefer to be.

but i won't get that help. it doesn't exist for me. and so i have to either wait until i can get it together again, which may take a very long time, or i can try to create some kind of situation to force a kind of change that will at least pass time, but *might* help me to refocus, at least momentarily.

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i don't want to have to vomit. i hate the process. i say to myself on your mark (into position) get set (raise hand) go. it's a kind of trigger. to force myself to get it over with. the longer the b/p behaviour goes on, the more my capacity to eat large quantities increases, and the more i dread vomiting, and the harder it is to get it up. sometimes even though in great discomfort, i will sit in front of the toilet for a while. often i will be thinking thoughts like some of those i've expressed here today. but when the pain, the discomfort is relieved, i think sometimes it's like i get an endorphin rush. i feel a buzz, a tingling. and then i want to do something to emphasize it. and so often then i have an intense dose of caffeine.

i don't like caffeine nausea, so that ends up putting a limit to how much caffeine i have. but i do have a longing for other drugs, other ways to alter my physical state or my consciousness, so that i experience life differently. a wish for escape.

and i think i will probably have my second binge today soon. also, i am very thirsty, and haven't really had a good strong dose of caffeine yet.

i just wanted to write here to relieve a certain kind of pressure. and i was right, it does feel sludgy. it's unfocused, unsatisfying.

and will not lead to me writing in more detail or with more clarity or depth any time soon. will not lead to human interaction, satisfying human interaction.

there's always this wish to get the unpleasant things over with as soon as possible. that there are windows, time frames, and times when it is more possible i can refocus.

sometimes it feels like a chore, a job. i've got to work through these food items, and i can see a few more coming up in my mind for the next few days, but if i can get through those ones, it may be settled for now, and then i'll be able to refocus.

but if i don't do things right, if i leave anything important unaddressed, if i leave temptations available in the critical first few days, then i will screw it up and i will be flooded with thoughts of other foods that will have to work my way through, and they will keep coming to me, and if i try to deny them, i will screw everything up until i get the particular thing/s i'm craving.

but it is a time of irresponsibility isn't it? i can be bad, i can be out of control, i can eat things others would be afraid to eat in the quantities i eat, or to say they want or admit they want. which will cause them to sneak things and hide things from themselves, and from others.

but there is something wrong. i think there is a physical depression, that there are physiological reasons that cause me to crave pleasure to address the balance. and my self-medication isn't working, and over time has probably added to the problem/depression/anhedonia.

still, i admit that i see originality in my existence, and see that i have freedoms that other people don't have, potentials and possibilities that aren't open to others with more restrained and acceptable lives. for example, other people have responsibilities and psychological restraints that prevent them

i mean, they probably couldn't travel in the kinds of ways that are at least theoretically open to me.

it becomes like a job, to work through my issues until i get to 'earn' a trip?

some people look at a life and judge it by criteria i don't

what i mean is, yes, i have trouble experiencing pleasure in life. for some people, that would mean that it's unsuccessful, it's sad, pathetic, etc, the deciding factor. but there are so many ways so many perspectives, and for me, to look at the originality of the approach from the outside at times pleases me.

i have one more binge today. and then a drying out period until gk returns in a week or so. i will probably also try to reduce my caffeine intake. my aim is to eliminate it altogether, because if i do, i have a better *chance* of exercising. also, i'm not getting much out of caffeine. if i give it up for as long as possible, i create the possibility of a high in the future at some time, even if that is only for one day.

it does seem worth it to me. i just don't know how realistic. we'll have to see. i never really know. and that's why there's the panic. it may be a very long time until i go anywhere again. because an element of all of it was that it was unpleasant while travelling. that life felt cold and empty to me. with no potentials for me personally. and maybe i put in what effort i could before collapse to make my sanctuary as comfortable as possible to break down in, to b/p and binge drink in.

i don't want that to be the case. i will have to see how the details reorganize themselves this time. maybe i can plan a trip. maybe i can give up caffeine and focus on exercise.

there is a horrifying despair when i realize things feel out of my control. all the times i say no, it doesn't have to go like that this time, and i fight it and then it goes like that anyway. it's crushing.

so i just don't know. it doesn't seem like any outside force is going to intervene. i can give gk all the details, and he's seen the patterns, but his mind doesn't work at identifying these kinds of patterns and making difficult decisions. and his kindness will probably actually be more cruel than he can realize, but it honestly is not his fault. i'm the one with conscious awareness, and it's up to me

and so i try but i don't know how it will go this time. i wait for inspiration and internal urgings, and maybe i do actually keep trying to move myself forward or find a different way and maybe i am progressing and maybe it's not even as slow as it feels, but things do feel pretty bad. ha.

haha

i express it all so badly. it seems. from what i've seen it is sometimes necessary for me to go through all this again and again, and then eventually i find words or something that expresses things slightly better. it's so slow.

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later:

i am now out of binge foods. i think before midnight i will have one more (large, very strong) iced coffee.

i am very thirsty. when i've been vomiting a lot, and feel that particular kind of thirst when i crave very cold liquids, there is nothing like the burning harshness of coca-cola. i know that pouring it over my teeth when i've been vomiting is probably not the best thing i could do, but at the time the benefits seem to outweigh any other consideration.

tomorrow will try to start tapering down the caffeine.

as for bingeing, it's unlikely i will leave the house to buy anything. my self-esteem is in the toilet, and at this point i think it would take at least a week of restraint to make it even possible i might go outside for a short time. time and exercise and eating in a controlled manner are the only things that will improve this.

a couple of days after i lost control, i had the urge to go out with gk. we went for coffee and dessert. we went to french twist and had cappuccinos and shared blueberry almandine and a bonaparte mille-feuille(sp?).

the cappuccinos were huge.

i just felt that i was really losing it, and i was afraid. i wanted to go out somewhere, i wanted social interaction, i was afraid i wouldn't go out again for a very long time. i had been holding on at the edge of a cliff and i knew i was letting go again.

even the flower on my dress was drooping in a way that i couldn't find a way to fix. [draggle-flower.]

i felt sad. i wanted to at least try to accomplish as much as possible, to work on whatever house things were still undone, but it was like i just couldn't go one step further. and we had to come home.

we had gone out shopping together several times during the month we were working on the house. each time we had coffee and dessert. i made an effort to wear different outfits.

after that, it was like there was no chance i'd go out again soon. the behaviour is hard on my body and self-esteem. it will take time to build up again. i feel haggard (this word looks weird to me. why can't i spell, why can't i remember how. do i have early onset alzheimer's). on tuesday it will be two weeks of being out of control, with only one good day. on one day, i ate normally, exercised in total for 3 hours, including a walk with gk, and had only one iced coffee.

i felt good, i felt i could continue, i felt i wanted to continue. and i don't know what happened, why i couldn't the next day. the day started out well, but before long it was like some perverse self-destructive urge totally took over.

rituals. i always try to finish up before midnight the day before i try to dry out. if i don't, it's like i sabotage it before the new day even starts.

i have to clean up all my dishes. i like to put food on black plates and in black bowls, i like to drink out of black mugs or other glasses i like, i like to use certain cutlery. etc.

sometimes it takes a while to clean everything up. especially if i've been baking, although if i've been baking or cooking, i usually wash what dishes i can as i go along, try to get it all done before i start eating.

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how old do i look? i honestly don't know. i don't feel this old, and i have to remind myself that to others i look different than i feel. but it keeps me on my guard, so as not to be foolish or to expect i don't know.

they should tell you that about aging.

i think that having people that you see regularly might serve certain functions or help in ways we don't really understand.

i know a lot of social interaction is phony, but maybe there's more to it. if you are regularly in a group of some sort, you may have an unconscious awareness of your place in life and how you stack up against others, you may be more aware of your strengths and uniqueness, or what qualities you possess that others don't. i suppose the flipside of that is also true. and while it may seem a phony thing if once in a while someone tells you you look nice today or they like your haircut, in a way, some of this info might affect us on levels we don't consciously understand. we can make adjustments, we can figure out things to aim for, in part because of the comments and reactions of others. some may be 'negative' or faulty info, but maybe sorting through that is a necessary stimulation in life also.

it's just that when there's nothing, nothing to compare yourself to, no stimulation, no feedback, no comments, maybe that's good in a way, but maybe also it leads you to shut down and be less vital as well. i haven't explained well, maybe. it's an idea that i should try to develop, explain.

it's one thing to not put yourself under the pressure of commercial holidays and to say no to religious rituals if you are not religious, but i think there is a basic human need for celebrations, for occasions to look forward to, to a kind of sharing that can only occur if you can agree on something to celebrate, maybe. but i feel this need, this lack. i feel a need for breaks from the usual schedule, and it's out of whack in me. i keep creating celebrations that don't include others, and it's lonely. i want invitations, but it seems unrealistic that i will get them, or that they could be to celebrate things in common.

i don't see myself able to go to a store at this point. i may start going through deprivation soon. it may be horrible.

the only thing that could continue the binge is that i order pizzas.

one thing i've had in mind that i might eventually try is to order a gift basket for myself online, with chocolates and alcohol, etc. it may be something i can't put off forever. it might nag at me until i try it. i think there's something about the extravagance of it that is part of what makes it difficult to resist for some reason.

i even like the idea of writing out a card to myself.

answering the door is not easy, and if i chose this option, it would be something i'd try once, and then not again for some time. i check from time to time to see if they take delivery grocery orders online yet in this area. they don't yet. but when they do, if that is the wave of the future, i sometimes wonder if that will increase my food problems.

but i may always only be able to face any contact, even answering the door, very rarely.

i want to be finished writing for now. it's part of this, i need to tie up whatever i can psychologically to free myself up as much as possible to focus on preparing for deprivation, for eating less and having at least a chance

life is messy. there are always more dishes to wash, more laundry and house things to do. grooming things, etc. you can't tie up all loose ends permanently until you die.

but i seem to try to create or push to finish up certain bunches of tasks all at once. it is a kind of purging, or penance. it's about wanting to feel lighter, or free to do something important, or something that i really want to do.

and in a way, it's kind of funny, isn't it.

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23/05/06

when i woke up things weren't too bad. i got up, had some cereal, put on a tape (one of the emergency tapes) and vegetated, then in a while had my one iced coffee of the day. small amounts of food at intervals, not feeling physically too bad, not feeling psychologically stressed, or all that depressed. [there was one banana, which i put on two separate bowls of weet-bix. no bananas left. there is a moderate portion of pre-prepared pasta that i can heat in the microwave for dinner, but it is the only one. after today, i will only have weet-bix for meals. there is a selection of fruit - two kinds of apples and some pears. i ate some grapes today, and one pear, but i will be saving the rest of the grapes for possums - they will probably finish them off tonight. there are a few vegetables, and there is beef, chicken and fish in the freezer, but no matter how bored i get eating cereal, i am extremely unlikely to eat either meat or vegetables. there are some chocolate ice creams (the ones i mentioned earlier) also in the freezer that i'm hoping i can ration to one per day until they run out.]

i think about things beforehand, have everything locked away that might lead to a binge. in the past, in desperation, i have binged on some extremely unappealing things. even once recently i binged on weet-bix when i was feeling too embarrassed to ask gk to get me something. at present, weet-bix again is the most likely thing i'd binge on if i binged. i have access to sugar (and i have a supply of longlife milk), so i'd drown it in sugar and it would basically fill my belly and would be fairly easy to vomit. to make myself feel very ill, i could also binge-drink a lot of coffee. iced coffee is probably a misnomer at present. i make up a drink with a lot of instant coffee, sugar and chocolate drink mix. dissolve with boiling water, then mix in milk. the sugar and chocolate seem a necessary part. when i talk about caffeine addiction, i am aware that it's tied in to the sugar and chocolate, and when i give it up, it seems to me that cutting back on sugar and chocolate is partly what makes me so ill. anyway, to stop going on: i think what might prevent me from bingeing on stuff in the freezer, vegetables, etc, or drinking more coffee is probably the idea that i know when gk will return. when i lived alone, the times i binged on unappealing items might have been related to having to rely on myself to go out and get things, and timeframes that were controlled by me, and not another person's comings and goings.

gingerbread is probably the only food that is the sort of thing i'd normally find impossible to resist if left alone in the house with it, but for some reason i have always been able to save it for possums. there is currently no gingerbread, because gk has been making little muesli bars for the possums recently instead of gingerbread. (the last gingerbread was the house he made for xmas, which lasted quite a while.) what i mean is, i have never binged on gingerbread since we have come into contact with possums, although it is something i like, something that falls into the category of cookies, something that would normally be one of the first foods i'd consider if out of control. i know that i would not be able to resist eating the muesli bars. i fed them to the possums on the first two nights gk was away - there were only a few left.

the more time passed, however, the more bored i felt. cravings for various items, but i think also a wish for self-annhilation. i just don't want to go through this again, any more, etc. the cravings get stronger, increase, branch out into different areas.

i don't really see what there is in life that i'm holding on to this cycle for.

also, a curiosity. if i actually had access to *all* the foods and alcohol, drugs, etc, including tv and movies and illegal drugs and whatever else i might have heard the odd thing about, if i could just try whatever i wanted whenever i wanted, what would happen? how long would i live?

if it wasn't so difficult for me to procure food myself, do i have a potential to be obese? or would i die of bulimic complications of some kind a lot quicker?

it's difficult to explain the feeling of emotional deprivation that sets in and seems to intensify as time goes on. with it, i feel wiped out, sort of functioning, but not feeling like i am functioning at all. often what happens is that i become resigned to the idea that i will have no other food than cereal for however long, and then i just seem to focus all my energy on getting through the time. it's like everything gets put on hold. i may seem to be functioning, but i am focused on gk's return, and how to get him to bring me more drugs.

i find this part of the dependency humiliating. at the same time, there's a kind of underlying obligation to be grateful. i try to explain all of these psychological aspects of it to gk to help give him enough info to work with. i often actually have said that i don't think i can control this pattern, and when he helps me perpetuate it there's really no telling how long it will go on. if he will get me things, i can't seem to stop myself from taking them. i am not strong enough. and i become horrified when i see how much time has passed, and that he doesn't seem to be aware or care that a limit needs to be set for me because i can't set one. but it's always a stalemate, because he can't set those limits. i know that by now. and i do know that my psychological complications do make it difficult for him to know how to handle it. and i do occasionally make these intense efforts to impose the limits on myself and get out. far enough out to where i can't trap either of us in my patterns. but i don't ever seem to be able to take it far enough. and when i express fear that it's all just going to happen again, because nothing has been solved, i'm still an 'addict' and we've just allowed ourselves to create these horrible unbreakable patterns together, his part of the pattern is to just collapse himself and say he doesn't know what to do. it is difficult when i am the repulsive addict in the situation, and i am the one who has

it seems ridiculous to me, and i actually do feel like i want to feel strong, fit, thin, healthy, etc, and i did like the way things were starting to feel both during my visit to sydney and also while i was working on the house.

but at the moment, i can't see any kind of context in life to apply that feeling of fitness to. like why it matters? it's like the effort or various efforts in my life related to that are meaningful to me personally, and i have a kind of sentimental feeling about a lot of them, such that the effort itself is the one thing out of the whole business that stays with me or makes the few moments of fleeting pleasure possible, but it is also that i think well maybe i've tried enough now. i can't ever seem to reach what i'm aiming at, and it's distressing and crushing to lose all the effort so easily, and the original aims have become obsolete with time, with age.

and while i'm afraid of changing in a way, of refusing to approach things in the same old ways, with new modifications as usual, while i'm afraid to decide not to try to put in effort again

there is part of me that just wants to say i don't care about my life, my future. it ended long ago, i just want to try to have fun. and i know my instinct for having fun is out of whack, and that i will just make myself sick, i don't care. maybe i just want to do it until i die.

i would love for food, alcohol, drugs of whatever kind to arrive from somewhere, but i know they won't.

maybe i'll go into the waiting for gk's return mode i spoke of earlier, or maybe i'll move toward a restricting phase and/or make plans for a trip. i don't know right now. i do know that if any type of food, alcohol or drugs arrived, i wouldn't make any attempt to control myself.

i am not yet at a stage where i could go out to get something for myself or deal with ordering anything by phone or online i'd have to go to the door to accept.

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i am trying to keep it to the one iced coffee i had earlier. i have already had the urge to have another. i am not sure how that will play out, although it would be the most practical if i kept it to one and in the next days i start making the dose less and less strong. often, just because something is practical or seems the best course of action somehow seems to make me rebel against it. it has happened a lot of times.

being able to keep the ingredients accessible for these coffees when gk goes away is a relatively new thing. i am very afraid of going through the withdrawal process because of how sick i get. if i spread the withdrawal out by slow tapering over a couple of weeks, i won't get violently ill (i will get headaches, experience more intense depression and lethargy). but if i do it all at once, it's just something that scares me.

at present, caffeine isn't doing much for me. it's like when people need drugs just to feel 'normal' or whatever is normal for them, i guess. having extra doesn't seem to intensify effects, it just makes me feel nauseated. so there doesn't seem to be a point to having more, but sometimes i do just for something to do or to pass time. which i might today.

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i always start off with the idea that i want to move into a 'healthier' restricting phase that will help me to be thinner and fitter and will lead to me hmmm....

creating dance videos and a new site and travelling and ultimately leaving permanently.

i often start off with very positive feelings, and as the day goes on i feel less positive, and like i just want drugs.

tonight, i find i'm feeling irritated. partly the writing is depressing me and irritating me.

partly i think i get annoyed because there is no one to feed me or care about my pathetic situation. while gk is working, it seems part of the deal to control myself as much as possible and just offer him support while he deals with the stresses of working away from home. i don't really have anything to talk about, but it seems to relax him to hear about the possums.

still, during most of his trips i end up losing it on the phone at least once, unable to hold back my personal selfish crap.

the mind starts going through all the options. did i leave any binge type foods anywhere, or did gk forget about any? a few times he has left a few odd things in his office. i'm not going to try to break down doors or cupboards, or pry open locks. i don't think we have any hidden foods that would be worth that effort or destruction. part of it is that in a way i consent to going through the deprivation. that i think maybe having a week or so here and there helps to give me limits.

but it sucks that when i start to feel emptier, and like i might be starting to lose weight, that gk will return, and it will just be impossible not to ask for a few things.

once i move into the mode of waiting for his return, i start to fixate on the things i will want. so it's easy to think of how to say it.

and i stay in this state of not moving forward or getting certain personal things accomplished, not dealing with the problems in our relationship or anything else. the patterns preoccupy both of us. i see it, and try to figure out ways to get ahead or beat my patterns, but it takes so much effort, and it always seems like i run out of energy and just can't take it far enough.

and i suppose at present that i'm allowing this writing to get me down. i could have another coffee tonight, but i really haven't left any food options open. that's what the planning ahead is for, it's for when i reach this state. it's not really appealing to binge on weet-bix, no matter how much sugar is added. the chocolate ice creams may amount to a few hundred calories in total, but they are low in fat, and if i eat them all today, it's not really a huge thing. i think about the idea of going shopping, and i know i'm not ready. i think about when i might be ready. it honestly doesn't seem like it will be any time soon. and i've made it more difficult by not having cash on hand. any extra step or inconvenience makes it harder. if i have to find an atm and use it, it makes it a little more difficult. this is one of the things i factor in, plan for, when gk goes away.

if i did go, what would i do? atm first, liquor store second, then grocery. and i'd make a list, figure out how much it would cost. i figure out all the things i'm going to get beforehand, so that i don't wander around lost, or panic anywhere and blow the mission. i also figure out backup plans, for items that might be unavailable for whatever reason. i try to balance it, get the right amounts of sweet and savoury foods.

i also make a plan about what to wear. it will have to be comfortable enough to walk in, with all the steep hills, and crossing of roads that aren't pedestrian friendly. also, my pack will end up being fairly heavy, so i need to wear something that won't be too delicate or pull easily, etc. if the weather is hot, it needs to be something that will be ok if i sweat.

i think what is happening is that i am moving into the waiting for gk to return phase. it is always sad when this happens. a lot of time is probably wasted in this state. sometimes, though, i have found that i have worked on websites at least during these times.

it was very difficult to hold it together with no b/p behaviour for the month i worked on the house. near the end, i was constantly feeling and actually expressing that i didn't feel i could hold on, that i felt i was barely holding on, that i couldn't see motivation, that i didn't think i could whip myself into taking one further step. we had an artificial date to aim at, that was sort of set by random unexpected circumstances. gk's brother-in-law had business in brisbane and wanted us to visit him. so, it sort of helped me in a way to have a fixed date. i would work on the house until that date, do as much as possible, then i'd go with gk for support for the visit, and then i would be allowed to break down. and each time i felt that i couldn't make it to the date, gk, would somehow manage to help me refocus. we made preparations beforehand. all i had to do was get through the visit, and i could have access to the supply we had ready. i could have alcohol if i wanted, i could have anything i wanted.

i almost didn't make it to the day because i was seriously out of motivation, and was thinking that visiting t. would give t. and gk's sister the wrong idea about who i am. that it would be like trying to show them everything is ok when it's not. i think when i did go, it was more like my motivation was to support gk, but also to support his family, in a way. i think maybe to say that although it was difficult for me, i wanted to put in the effort so that in some way they'd

i don't know. know i liked them, or that i wished them well.

we had coffee and dessert at a cafe/restaurant with t. i talked idiotically and over-animatedly, and felt embarrassed afterward. i made at least one ignorant comment related to water conservation that made me come off as environmentally irresponsible. however, i think i was shaking at least that part of the stress off.

but it was like after the visit, i had been holding back so hard for so long that i just pounced on the food, and it really wasn't enjoyable. i just felt so sick. and that continued. i held off on the alcohol until friday, but again, when i had it, i just felt sick. i felt so stuffed, uncomfortable in those early days.

two weeks ago today. and i see the time, and it does seem a shame to stay in that phase longer. and yet i don't feel very strong, or like i have any motivation. i honestly would just pounce on whatever drugs i had access to. and i do have the longing that is probably not just going to disappear.

but just now i was thinking that i think i actually am glad for that artificial limit or date, that helped me to work on the house for a month. i think gk and i got a lot done. it didn't really turn out as i would have thought, but i faced some fears, put in a lot of work, and it was something i had been wondering about for years. if i could do it, and what the results would be. so in a way it is good to have done that much. there is still more to do, but not as much depends on me being able to go outside much, or to put in my own physical effort.

i do feel sad. and like i just can't rise above it.

if i look at it, i do see that for a long time i hadn't been bingeing. and that it's now related to my efforts to restrict food, lose weight that the b/p has returned. but it wasn't a success when i wasn't bingeing/purging. i wasn't comfortable enough with myself to go outside, and i saw no hope, and felt

i think that even if my efforts end sadly, it is better for me personally that i at least put those efforts in once in a while, whenever i can.

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24/05/06

i had the second coffee last night. one thing i had forgotten was that one symptom of having too much caffeine is a kind of highstrung depression that makes you feel close to tears.

anyway. it's the same old cycle. i can say well at least i didn't vomit yesterday. and i'm unlikely to keep having so much caffeine, i'm likely to slow that down. i'll just get tired of it, when i can't combine it with any other effects.

i always feel too tired to try to write it all down in detail, can't ever at the time say that it would be worth trying to try. i'll maybe keep this for a while, to see if i can ever do anything with it, but like with most things i start and then leave, it seems most likely that it will sit there for a while, and i'll never get further with it.

it's good to keep things in perspective, though.

i'm not a 'light' kind of person.

and you know what they say about nuclear war: probably only the cockroaches will survive.

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25/05/06

a common symptom that i have neglected to mention is swollen glands. i forget what they are called. the ones on either side at the top of the neck. mine are swollen and hard, and obscure the jawline at the top when swollen. the last time i vomited was on the 22nd. i always seem to forget how long it takes them to go back to normal. they are also a bit tender to the touch, and i notice sensitivity in these glands at times when eating.

i am feeling emptier, and like the physical part and want it to continue. but at the same time, i find myself figuring out ways, plans for dealing with shopping. also, as usual i have thoughts about doing something to try to stop the cycle - something drastic, like just getting up and going somewhere else, without a plan, just freefalling into life.

it is difficult to describe all the rules and particularities involved, because they don't always stay the same over time. in the past, i doubt i would have been able to keep chocolate drink powder and sugar on the counter.

although it seems unlikely i will actually eat them, and very unappealing, i still do sometimes worry or have vague worries about all of gk's sauces and bottled condiments. i am not interested at all in eating any of these things, and yet they fill me with anxiety of some kind. they feel complicated to me. and it's almost like i feel they are some kind of unfinished business, and that if time goes on too long, i might have some kind of uncontrollable urge to stuff them down (process them in some way?).

if i were to be in the house for a very long time alone, i would feel compelled to throw them out so that it would never come to that.

usually, i move most of them into the extra fridge before gk leaves.

note: i will point out again that these items are not an issue when gk is residing here. the more 'unappealing' for binge purposes an item is, the more time and isolation it would take for me to resort to them. (or, an extreme situation in which i lost control and was either too embarrassed or out of control to find some way to choose items, get access to them)

in the kind of situation i'm presently in, i will often start to feel there is a danger i will binge on weet-bix. before i lose control, i will try to see if there is some way i can figure out to mentally prepare myself to deal with shopping, so that if i'm going to binge i can get something out of it. i look at the various components separately. but often i will start with something like trying to figure out if there's something i can handle wearing for the one hour walk. or if i could go to the closer store that doesn't have as many options.

i will also try to see if i can just focus on gk's return, refocus, so that i don't put myself through a weet-bix binge or the stress of shopping. and often, this is what i do. if i make a list, gk will get the items when he returns.

but it takes effort to focus in that way. it doesn't seem a good option, but often the least of three evils, and the one most likely to have a 'good' result psychologically.

which sounds like a joke if you look at the situation in overview, which i actually can't seem to get away from.

one thing that struck me when i was in sydney was that a cosmetic surgery centre was attached to a large shopping mall. i suppose this is a step towards normalizing cosmetic surgery. women who are (and men as well) comfortable shopping in a mall will make a connection that it's another form of shopping. you can go in to get a manicure at the mall, a haircut, or maybe something a little more involved and expensive. you can look at prices and options, what's available, and make decisions about what currently suits your budget and needs.

i think all this writing i've done over the years is somehow related to the condiment compulsion thing. there's some brain pattern or issue that sets them both off. i know that partly my writing is related to social changes, and to people being self- absorbed and trying to find reasons for things and trying to find themselves and that in a lot of ways it looks like a deterioration of civilization, it looks like a lot of self-absorption, whining and general deterioration.

but this is the way things are going, and i'm representative of an unfortunate aspect of it all.

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i actually see beautiful objects and products in malls. i usually can't find ways to connect these things with my life, and i don't think it's just lack of skill, creativity or energy that prevents me from doing so. i think each object represents current values and ideas, and that somehow with me everything always seems to be just a little off in one area or another, nothing seems quite right.

i sometimes think that because i couldn't try certain things out early in life, the clothes, hairstyles, home decorations, etc, that it prevented me from realizing enough quickly enough. to figure out that our surroundings and parents have a lot to do with what we value and aim for in life and that we end up choosing items and styles that correspond with these in complex or not so complex ways.

my mother was trying, and i don't know to what extent she compromised. i do know that the first night we moved into the house they designed and built together that i didn't have a pleased reaction to it. i didn't like a lot of the fabrics, the rugs, curtains, etc. although in theory i liked the idea of some of the colour schemes, in practice the patterns combined with some of the fabrics were unsatisfying to me. cheap,

as for the actual structure of the house itself, it didn't strike me as standing out in any way. and no landscaping had been done. i wondered what the holdup was.

i think my mother often made efforts, and maybe she'd manage to make one room in the house stand out, like the living room. but i think i always had this vague, unvoiced feeling or unarticulated, even in my own mind, that i didn't really like any of the houses we lived in, or the furniture or

and it seems like with me it's taken so long to realize that i wanted to get very far away from those kinds of tastes and influences, but didn't know exactly where to go. i had the idea that i needed to find new influences, but didn't have enough of a basis to even know how to find my feet.

and my projection is that if no restraints were placed on me, perhaps through much effort and expense, i would probably keep being dissatisfied, and each time seek something at least slightly less conventional, more exclusive, harder to find (of course making mistakes along the way, but through the experience perhaps going in different directions, daring to try to go in different directions, sometimes overcompensating in one, then another, or not going far enough, but through these experiences to start to begin to form or get closer to knowing how to articulate what i might be looking for.)

but along with that i would need to keep changing or refining myself. but it does often seem that i am just going in circles, and never getting further. except, that maybe i can see now what i would have liked to try or explore and what directions it might have been leading in, away from the original influences, or perhaps a zeroing in on one aspect in someone like my mother, an aspect that of necessity or because there wasn't time or

before my father's girlfriends moved in with him, often their apartments had a bit of style or flair. and it was like my father's influence made everything drab in the places we lived [but it's not like he had no idea about colour or - what i mean is, in his work he had to have some talent or specialized skill in certain areas, but like many men maybe there was a separation of work and living space.]

they gave up their power, even though they had more flair in that area than he did. they didn't recognize that his power held them back. or maybe they did, and it was part of what led to things falling apart eventually. and he would let things slide, trapped in his own patterns. no time or energy left for living because work and depression sucked it all up.

gk didn't want to work on the house. he didn't think it was necessary. i wanted it done years ago, and more than what is currently done. i didn't insist. it wasn't my place, my house, my money.

you have to know who you are. in order not to just give in and accept

how far back do you have to go to see where you should have said no, i should be on my own, doing my own thing. it's not like i didn't see it though, and that's what's so hard, that i've allowed so much time to go by. knowing i had to get out of the family house, and not able to do it.

it is frustrating that i have not come very far in all these years.

but if i were to create a timeline which detailed the twists, turns, dares, relapses, etc, would it look different to a normal life? i would think that somehow it must. that i am as a result at a different level of consciousness, on a different planet, and while i can still see the aims of a wide variety of others, can still see their emotions and troubles and influences, i am not where they are. and the things they surround themselves with and clothe themselves with are going to feel uncomfortable, not right in one way or another.

the clothes that go to a mall start somewhere. ideas of students of various kinds. and what were their influences? their ties to and in life? where do the fabrics come from, and why are they chosen. and but the ideas have to fit what is necessary to life, different levels of life. and how are the choices made as to how many of each item are made? and it's about different levels of life, different kinds of life and maybe part of getting out of certain kinds of life involves

with some people, it just comes naturally, though, to make the choice - it's not a choice. they just can't choose what everyone else chooses. their influences determine their choice, without a lot of conscious thought

ugh. i can't write worth a shit.

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it's just a strange experience for me, to walk into a mall and to be unable to shut out all of the thoughts in all the directions, related to where all the products and services come from and why, and why we all make the 'choices' we make, just looking at everyone, walking around unable to shut out all the possibilities, the whys and

unable to make simple decisions very often. not wanting to make choices to perpetuate parts of life i consciously want to question or escape, but trying to balance that with being realistic about my strengths and weaknesses,

and wanting to make a conscious effort to communicate on as many levels as possible, including my appearance,

and wanting somehow to experience pleasure in life

but not wanting to attract 'pleasures' on false premises, or experiences that will just be uncomfortable because they are occurring (for the others) at a level of consciousness i can't get back to.

there are people who have the potential to jump into other levels of consciousness when the opportunity arises.

i am not sure. i may have too many barriers and shields and firewalls in place.

as long as i am 'alive', don't i have things in common with those who are alive? even if it's a need to sleep, eat,

basic needs require basic maintenance practices, and in the course of that occasionally i am bound to bump into others, if only momentarily, but

you can never tell when

if you ask yourself well, how did i get here? i don't think it's as simple as apathy or letting the days go by unconsciously.

even if you make an effort to not let the days go by, you may be hindered by lack of awareness of the steps and phases you need to get through in order to have something closer to what you consciously think would be better. even then, you may not be aware of what patterns might be set in your brain and body that might prevent you from carrying things through. would enough knowledge be enough? and i don't know that it would. in itself.

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i often clean the house just before gk goes away somewhere. it seems like some kind of obsessive-compulsive issue. i am not a cleaning fanatic, and am not particularly thorough, i suppose. but it's like when i'm alone, i like the idea of having things as fresh as possible. for myself, because it feels like something that is true to what i want, or what i'd do if i were really alive.

the house is too big. i can't keep on top of it. there were too many pre-existing issues, and i can't deal with those and the regular maintenance.

it is difficult to motivate yourself to clean at all if your efforts never produce results that feel genuinely pleasing.

and then, just before gk returns, i clean again. why then? i am not sure. it may partly be a way of holding on to organization, an attempt to do as much as possible while i can, before i feel i have no control again.

it may be a way of trying to assert my identity. to leave an impression that has some lasting effect. on unconscious levels. we will both know i am still making an effort, and that i can't be totally controlled. i am not totally docile.[?]

this time, i didn't have the energy to clean before he went away. i did it today. when i come out the other side of a binge period, as i start to stabilize there is often some kind of need to clean things up, to freshen things up, which feels like a new start or something that helps with the focus, but i think there's more to it. i think it partly is about penance or compensating in some way. but it seems to also be about a kind of need to purify

i often seem to link grooming things to the housecleaning.

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has it already been decided? am i engaging in ritualistic behaviour to prepare for another

will i go out shopping tonight, has it already been decided on some level?

it seems unlikely to me that i will feel conscious interest in sex any time soon. i may be wrong, but it seems to me that i would have to be in some kind of situation where someone gave me regular attention of some kind that worked for me personally, i'd need some kind of interaction that would trigger it.

when i was in sydney and also when i went out in public with gk when i got back here, i don't remember feeling attracted to anyone at all.

i think also that i'd have to have enough contact with someone to become intrigued or interested.

perhaps it's just that the more advanced the search, the fewer results, but the more likely it is if there are any results that they will be closer

ick, i'm tired of this for today.

and yet, i'm back.

i don't really understand why it pricks at me to try to write more details today.

ok, i'll stop.

is it really so important to write anything about how many calories i've consumed each day, and all the psychosis related to that?

or the fluctuations, conflicting feelings and wishes.

it probably would be good, right, in a

i mean if i were approaching this in a more scientific way. haven't i tried before. was it worth it. maybe in writing things down i keep learning or spotting things eventually, but i'm always behind, aren't i? i mean, i never seem to have figured out enough

about 2000 calories the first day. the second iced coffee brought it up a lot. i argued to myself that that is not a bad place to start without shocking the system or shutting the metabolism down too quickly.

about 1300 the second. two iced coffees, which means not much was actual food.

about 1450 today, including two iced coffees.

one good thing about not consuming tons of weet-bix is that i end up a lot less gassy. the way to fix that [gassiness] seems to be to eat very small portions, or to combine with eating some oatmeal meals. [also, in a few days to a week, even if i am eating larger portions of weet-bix it all seems to right itself.] it may have something to do with two types of fiber, soluble, unsoluble, and if you mix the two it might push things through the system faster.

usually there is frequent urination in the first days. i try to drink water to replace, but it is often difficult because i just don't feel like it.

i didn't go shopping today, but probably got closer to attempting it. i may go tomorrow. i also have a wish for company, a strong wish to go out somewhere to meet someone for coffee or lunch or something. one thing i am pushing around in my mind is the idea that perhaps i could hold on and ask gk to go out for coffee with me when he returns. his flight may change, but if he comes back when he is scheduled to come back, it will be in the afternoon.

if i keep eating as i am eating, by tuesday i may feel considerably less bloated and self-conscious. i may notice by then that the months of exercise have had some lasting effect, even if i have gained some weight.

but, if i could somehow not go out for an extended period, longer even than tuesday, and keep to what i'm eating, then i realize eventually i'd probably exercise, partly to pass time. that it probably wouldn't feel too bad, and then it would become part of the routine until i was disturbed by gk's arrival and the cycle

but it would be necessary that gk stay away longer than usual. and there would have to be some way of keeping me from going out anywhere.

i go through all of this again and again.

and i like my room, and wonder, is this enough for now. maybe i could die here, maybe that would be all right now. do i consciously i mean am i consciously holding on to life in some ways? am i closer to letting go?

what if i just let my natural excesses take over, without trying to restrain them? would it still take years, or could it be relatively quick if i really don't hold back?

if i just decide to deal with the idea that this method will probably leave a bloated revolting mess?

it doesn't seem very smart, and so i get scared and start going through all the options again, and realize i'm probably not just going to get lucky, and i'm probably going to have to try to refocus and eventually leave and do something about myself.

but it's so difficult, because it seems the patterns i have here are so hard to break, it's so hard to work up to it.

just shut up and do it. you're getting closer to it.

gk wants me to leave. it's just difficult for him because he will be very lonely, and he's probably afraid that he'll eventually have to deal with me again and it looks like there is no escape and the moral dilemma is a horror and he is contemplating suicide because i won't fucking take responsibility for my sorry ass.

so he sends mixed messages, and so do i. what do we have, we must have something, right? but i don't think we will ever have sex again, and something tells me that that in itself is a pretty big warning sign.

it's me. when it comes to not wanting sex, not feeling attraction, it's about how i feel about myself. i do not feel attractive. i'm not sure i ever will again. for me, i think that's partly how it works. i don't think i can feel attraction unless i

at least see some potential that sometime soonish i will feel attractive in some area.

or maybe it's a desensitization issue. i need more to feel attraction now. not just a normal or only semi-seriously not normal or ick that's expressed wrongly. badly.

this entry is too long. there is no way i will ever come back to it later and try to sort out usable data. but it's likely to all keep resurfacing, so i guess all i can do is just write when it won't leave me alone, and maybe going through it again and again will eventually push me through to another side or i'll find

circles.

always circles.

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i have been thinking of other tv shows i watch, wondering about making a few comments here and there to explain what draws me to them, or why i can stand them or whatever. why they can sometimes help to pass the time, and yet others i can't bear at all. the whys.

but i want to be allowed to stop. this is not fun. it is like vomiting. except, sometimes the more i write, it leads to more uncomfortable feelings. i don't feel good about myself.

maybe i actually want to be allowed to have a home for a while. maybe i want to be unhealthy and a loser. maybe some of the behaviours are enjoyable. but it always looks wrong to put gk in the position of supporting this behaviour, even if he doesn't mind, even if he says it's ok as long as i'm stabilized. because our relationship is incomplete, and i can't see him really being happy with it. he's just less likely to be as disturbed by a tip than i am. he can let it go on and on for years

to shut this drivel out. isn't that enough of a reason to want to engage in behaviours

i wonder if i'm done with the self-photos now. like it's another thing i tried, and i have no idea what i might feel compelled to do next, if i'm still alive.

why does the thought come that i will eventually try to write some kind of net novels. it recurs through the years. do i have to live it out. do i have to travel, do i have to do any of the

can't i be free of it now.

on medical shows, it seems people drop dead or are about to drop dead at any moment all the time, and that it is only with the help of supersmart doctors with superhuman instincts that they stay alive.

so i can't binge and vomit, there isn't much i want to do, it's difficult to watch my 'emergency tapes' without all this crap filling my head, and there is still stress and despair in letting it out.

thankfully i notice that i am starting to feel sleepy. probably because i had my second coffee at 2:30 pm or so. i should probably try to stay up a bit longer, so that i sleep as well as possible, but if i just can't make it any further, i can go to bed. it is sometimes best to leave these tactics as long as possible. to leave something to try if it gets even worse.

with writing, how do i get to

i mean, i'm 'cleaning' things out, but it seems that part of the process is that i'm supposed to see something, in overview and refocus somehow such that i don't get trapped in the quagmire of unfinished business. and it's revolting to admit, but it is also like i need to focus as 'positively' as i can, for me.

which for now looks like: i don't know how strong i am. maybe there are things i enjoy about this breaking down. maybe i am getting closer. if i look at the years, i do keep trying things, and when i express things through websites, i think i can see a progression that might seem to be leading to some of what i think i want to do. or have been going on about doing. maybe i can refocus soon. maybe this year i will travel to europe, and also finish up with my ideas for this house. or i mean, whatever can be done here that i have discussed with gk, that i said i'd stick around to see how it went. maybe somewhere in there new websites will come.

or maybe i will gather the energy to leave.

heh, it will be a surprise!

to me, to everyone. i mean, gk.

most likely it will make a kind of sense, i guess. doesn't the rest so far.

it's just so slow.

it would be such a kindness to end

oh, i notice that i am feeling the cold more now that i have stopped the b/p behaviour.

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26/05/06

it is cosy in bed lately. i am tempted to stay in longer, but i start getting a headache.

my glands are still swollen and hard, still look deformed. i notice that sometimes i feel sensitivity in the glands when i eat, but haven't noticed that today.

in my mind this morning run run run run run

i notice that i really feel the effects of caffeine this morning. i don't think it's only because of eating less. i think it's because it's combined with fear and excitement. [doesn't viagra only work if you have the interest in the first place?] i think looking around thinking about possibilities i might feel somewhat inspired. [i was surfing, looking for travel possibilities.] and you can let it go, but i think that's something that acts like a kind of signal or trigger to me now. if i feel that fear, i find i often end up

thinking what the hell. i might as well act. what is there to wait for? why shouldn't i

i can think of ways to make my own room more comfortable. a really good mattress for sleeping. very nice sheets. a little cabinet thing to replace the bedside table because i currently don't really have a place to store clothes. materialistic. well, when the vividness is gone,

but the feeling. it just seems that if there is any clue, it's that something that makes me feel that fear or inspiration or whatever it is is something that is left to try. something maybe i have to try. that i will be compelled to try. and maybe when there's nothing left to try i will be done and just choose unconsciously to be in the right place at the right time to bump into death.

or i'll just finally drop dead. or i will have a horrible existence homeless or locked up somewhere or trapping some poor person, gk or someone like him in my personal nightmare indefinitely, but the idea of having these other experiences, of trying to be on my own and to figure it out

it just seems so much more appealing than not trying.

but when.

at the moment i don't feel stressed about it. i am not sure, but i think that possibly some kind of plan is forming itself and i just need a little time to become more consciously aware.

i actually don't feel too bad today.

why is it, though, that i have the urge to have more caffeine? why can't i just ride this through, enjoy this, why is there the urge to increase, to intensify? but i think that's a rhetorical question.

so-called 'normal' people might just be better at self- medicating. if people put things in their systems at intervals, regular coffee breaks, nice lunches and snacks, a bit of alcohol after work or a big blowout on the weekend. things to wait for, look forward to, but maybe they are able to time it all so that it keeps the despair from incapacitating them. maybe they're not less depressed than me, just better at self-medicating, and never lost that

thing. that thing where you won't go off the path because of the consequences, but you don't really consciously think about it. you just know you can't do this or do that, you know how far you can push things like sick days or excesses, something keeps you in line, something keeps you from going too far. [and maybe keeps you from complaining as much, or whining the way i do. because a lot of people do complain, but they complain about other people, or about things i always sort of explain in my mind and can't resort to. maybe it's even healthy to complain in certain ways, or to get little revenges, or even to backstab or do little secret things, or engage in secret 'bad' behaviours.]

and maybe average weights have something to do with people self- medicating in order to handle the stresses of the modern world. there are probably people who consume a lot more caffeine than me without feeling sick, but they probably don't regularly give it up, and also maybe they eat more food. certain foods especially balance caffeine. like salty foods, or things like pasta. even instant soup, low in calories is very good at reducing nausea from caffeine overdose very quickly.

it occurs to me that 'normal' people are stronger than me, physically and mentally.

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i feel like when most people are shopping they don't realize it but they are trying to give a misleading impression. i see carts full of reasonable, healthy things and the proportions well seem off, considering the weights/fat distribution of the people involved. and so i wonder how deep it goes, this need to give a certain impression that you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.

i just wonder, are these people picking up a lot of takeaway food, stopping at convenience stores later for snacks, how do they consciously approach it all, are they doing it in ways

do they realize that they

and i do know that human bodies actually can't consume all that much, really, and it doesn't take much when you think only 100 extra calories per day can mean 10 pounds in a year. and that as you get older you can eat less and less.

it used to scare me a lot, thinking about the numbers. i think as i've gotten older, my appetite has decreased,

i feel pretty common, though. the caffeine thing - it's like i'm stuck in a fashion trend, just babbling on about it in ways that other people

other people feel the effects of caffeine and also like sugar and chocolate, it's the most commonly available drug combo available currently. cafes are everywhere, and all the major fast food places are aware of it, too, and offer

but other people don't go on and on about it like i do, partly because they have lives and other drugs. and i think that partly in having lives, they have other 'stimulants', the chemical reactions that occur through different kinds of human contact, and it all plays off the other effects and it can become more difficult to figure out what effect is coming from where. and of course there is no time/reason to bother working it out.

just that you bump along from one drug or stimulant or relaxant all day long until finally you've made it through the day.

people learn what combinations and amounts work with their own personal chemistry.

when i drink alcohol, if i drink moderately, slowly, i do find that the 'normal' reaction of getting sleepy occurs.

if i gulp a lot down fast in the beginning, i think i get a kind of immediate release of inhibition that makes me feel better, and more energetic than usual, maybe like i'm not turning my energy against myself or repressing it and then it's like i can or want to stay up all night, or much later than i've been staying up.

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not really so strange. the need for secrets

with the squirrelling behaviour, i knew there were other areas, there was something that had the potential to

but people should and sometimes need to have things to themselves, and i decided to leave it alone. and i think it is better not to push him, it is better to give him space, at least in some small areas, or not so small, because in so many ways i'm a very confrontational person to live with, it must be so hard for

it would be difficult for any person.

it does make me feel unsafe, though. like i have to get away before crashing into the iceberg.

i think i'm afraid that it will end up being something that makes me look at everything else differently, even the good things. i don't really want that to happen. like finding out the basis for things, that i had it all wrong from the start. which doesn't take away from all of it, but the new info does help to reinterpret what it all was? and with my memory, the way it works, will go back and add this new thing and i won't be able to help it, my mind doesn't shut off the insight button.

that's the trouble with

the basis of incompatibility with a lot of people. to many people, maybe most people, they don't understand that

it seems to keep happening.

but i'm not really changing, lightening up.

i do think something's different. i think as time goes on i become more and more

i don't know what the right word is. i think it is something to do with a kind of independence. that i'm ok with who i am and what i've tried and aimed at. and i don't think that what i've looked for is foolish or

i know that contradicts a lot of my self-loathing babble. but looking at myself trying to be objective about it, according to criteria i'd look for in others, i don't take back my efforts. i don't think i'm following any set path or established role model. i don't recognize what i am doing. i am lonely. but i

ok, it's difficult to be accurate in words. i do recognize what i am doing in a way. it does seem that it is sort of like when people have this internal thing that needs expressing and they can't make themselves care about the consequences, they just keep going forward with it. in their own way. and sometimes people recognize it later, but probably in a lot of cases no one ever knows.

if i don't go shopping tonight i will have to go in daylight either on saturday or sunday because stores close early. will i go shopping.

i am not currently feeling like i am ready, but sometimes that can change in a space of minutes.

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there are so many possibilities in life, so many potential complications. in the phase i'm in, if i attract people, aren't i more likely to attract something that plays on my weaknesses and insecurities. but haven't i for most of my life tried to figure out how to articulate that i understand nothing is 'safe' and nothing is permanent, and that

if you lose everything that you think is important to you, what are you left with. what supports you when you cannot support yourself.

what would happen if gk faced major change? would he start to learn some of what i have been learning? such that eventually he might understand some of what i go on about, that he'd remember little bits and suddenly

anything could happen at any time. i don't really want gk's life to be disturbed. but he's unhappy now.

if i keep writing, can i link the patterns. can i make it more obvious.

an eyeball. observing. in all directions.

out, vile jelly.

stream of jelly.

and they all lived happily ever after?

the end.

the beginning.

can i go now?

you are driving me to a fancy hotel.

you're the one who's crazy.

there's nothing left to do tonight

at heart i'm a muslin.

at heart i'm a
at heart i'm an american cockroach

the big ones really smell when you squash them.

dadadadadada

is all i want to say to you

you can't go on
thinking nothing's wrong.

i'm plugging my ears.

but i can still hear.

we all have to die my darling.

say it.

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27/05/06

glands still a bit swollen/hard/tender. 1400 calories approx. yesterday. 2 iced coffees. which means that at least 800 of my daily calories are coming from iced coffees. milk is a nutritious food, but i have heard that caffeine can interfere with the absorption of some of the nutrients in milk.

how many choices do we really have? i am looking around, and i do admit to feeling curious to experience different surroundings. some of the patterns and themes and styles i seem to be drawn to [on the web, regarding hotels] are repetitive, but what i realize is that most do not mesh with the way i am currently presenting myself, even on my best days. which is not necessarily a bad thing, because if i could be in different surroundings or know i was going to be, chameleon-like i may start to adapt or shift, i may feel inspired or i may be unable to resist the stimulation or challenge, to some extent.

balance and reality. will i need as much privacy as possible, or would it be better to push myself as far out of my comfort zone as possible. i'm not sure. i seem to like the idea of having a couple of months to make a kind of transition, to prepare for whatever is next.

and in the back of my mind, if death comes, an opportunity, at any time, or unexpectedly, it's ok, it's fun, it's exciting, even, and i just go on with the other stuff until i figure it out or am surprised.

i think about how searchable i am on the web, and how i might scare people or put them off. [how i might scare or put off any person i have contact with, but at the time was thinking specifically about people who might be reluctant to rent me places if they searched me on the web.] but when will i ever stop cringing and hiding?

i actually think more about gk and the efforts he's put in to help me in his own particular ways than seems to come out in my writing. and at times i feel very sad about never seeing him again or about making the kind of break that will probably be necessary so i don't continue to bring us both down.

i will still be broken in new surroundings. i don't think that's the point. it's only that i feel drawn to try.

when i think of trying to make it all work with gk, i always hit a kind of wall. i think we reached that place again and again, and that in desperation we both put in as much of ourselves as we could

but we just couldn't get past

well, me.

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my excessiveness, my destructiveness, my inability to make myself able to accept a good, moderate pattern and life.

it's only 3 days now until he returns. i can probably avoid any kind of binge. but how it plays out afterward will probably depend on what kind of arrangements i make before his return. will i be gone before he returns? it is still within the realm of possibilities. will i wait a month or more? i am waiting. a response may come, and from there i will figure out the rest. a yes, a no, and then more time to absorb options, and maybe i'm in that frame of mind where i will pick something, set something in motion. and if i don't now, then maybe soon. it feels like it probably won't go away. but will it somehow be put off a couple of years? i don't know. in a way, i don't mind waiting for the random information to push me according to my predispositions

if i can see something enjoyable in that kind of approach, does it make sense to be more practical

but, i am not sure, but it almost looks like my approach is somewhat semi-practical anyway. what do people

a stay in an apartment, not quite a hotel or a long-term commitment, time away from my current surroundings, influences, etc, to think.

considering what is out there, not as extravagant as some, but probably not in the know enough to find a less extravagant option in this category.

actually, what is offered, from what i've seen is actually, it actually seems somewhat inexpensive compared

but there are other places i want to try as well.

writing, keep using as an outlet, cleaning. it feels messy, unpleasant in a lot of ways, repetitive of course.

maybe i am trying to find the right place, circumstances, looking for clues about how to find

to figure out how to play out the internal drama. maybe i am not a good map reader. like with walking around, i get lost, and it takes a while before i become more confident, before i get a feel

but often i don't mind taking a detour, even when i become pissed off about it. i mean, the original impulse to just go this other way when i planned to go that way, if it results in me getting lost, i'm not sure i can actually disown the impulse.

or if i miss the signs, or misjudge the distance

it seems part of wearing off the energy, getting me closer to something.

the whole process does seem to leave me with a more independent feel than when i started. the places where i've walked the most, and got lost and felt pissed off, and walked some more and found things i wasn't looking for, walked until i was tired and more relaxed in a way

i have felt at least *more* independent than in other places. and even when i feel broken.

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the possums. should i try to stay at least until gk's next trip is over. if he is gone a couple of weeks, wouldn't it be better to try to stay here, and watch over them

and besides, i would miss them

but, they very well may have to deal with extended absences in the future, why try to put it off, especially if there's a chance i will get stuck in patterns, unable to get out

is it best to leave before gk's return? would he feel relieved in a way?

i'm a really heavy brick.

it must be so impossible to know what to do.

but if i go, if i find a way to make a clean break, and

it seems the only way i can is to never come back, never make contact.

won't he eventually

the idea, of inviting people here, maybe ash people. maybe it will recur to him. maybe if i stay long enough to finish up the house, or put it in motion, maybe that will set something else in motion, something that might

i guess there is no way to know

but if i go off on my own, if i try to go some of these places, isn't that something good for me? extravagant according to the internal rules of others, but something that will make my life feel more real or no wrong word, more scratching a personal itch. if i keep trying to scratch with food, caffeine and alcohol,

when i can identify that i want to go out somewhere

even if i don't completely know where or what i'd do

and if i find it's all emptiness, i suppose that at least for a time there will be a kind of stimulation in the different flavours of emptiness that might feed parts of my pointless creativity and pass time. and pass more time when i probably have enough to work with and process for a long

that is, if somewhere in there i don't find a way to stop it

to finish the piece as well as i can, and sign my name

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tracing the patterns, vomiting, i have managed to pass some time. until i get info, and then a decision,

there are so many ways it could go, because there are so many unknowns.

it occurs to me that no, wrong words. it keeps coming into my mind that the colours and style of one of the others will feel more like

that my presence will be less inharmonious. or something, even if i

but i don't know

why do i want to go somewhere cold? i think it's an instinct to cover myself, to have contrast as well. walking in sydney, i was aware of skin tone and

afraid to get a tan, in a way. i think it evens my skintone, and provides a kind of cohesion between face and body (not just skintone, but style or type, because i think these are at odds with each other normally), and gives more clothing options in hot weather, but it's like it would be at odds with

there's a duality. i accept that in my life i've probably looked best when young and tanned and fit. that maybe my best look can't be modern or minimalist in ways i'd like.

as i get older, i become more aware that my skin isn't as elastic. and if i scrimp on if i cut back a lot of fat in my diet and reduce my body fat, i wonder if the lack of elasticity will be more apparent.

it seems that along with losing elasticity, that the older skin is, the more vulnerable it is. so, if you try to tan yourself, you may end up with more damage than when younger.

do i try to make myself as 'pretty' as possible

or do i cover my face less, and accept that even if i try to have something more modern on me it might just emphasize

and it seems i'm thinking about it too much, that i should

but why don't i just jump the way i used to

because i tried things and don't want to try certain things again.

there's no context. before, i might not have had much of a life, but i still had more guide posts than i have now. and then, not having tried as much there were new directions to try.

i think i want to draw attention to myself this time.

why can't i just keep this all to myself, why do i have to write it

it makes me feel bad

but starting to make plans is the other part, maybe the more important part. i'm waiting for info so that i can make decisions, or look for more info or whatever. and meanwhile, there's the waiting. it feels unpleasant, but at least i am seeking info. i mean all of this mess feels unpleasant, distressing, etc, but in asking for info, it is a step towards doing something about it.

i think this is another idea i have expressed before, probably many times. just that i wait for or look for little windows of opportunity or just times when time is different for me. that i can slow* it down, that i can either get far enough ahead that it's possible to take a breather for a moment until it all catches up again, or that somehow unexpectedly circumstances align such that i can live out a few moments with a kind of appreciation

when i am busy or preoccupied ? enough that meals just come at regular

or i don't even really think all that much about eating, but it's enjoyable when it occurs, like that summer in toronto

it's so rare, and most of the time i try to put mental effort into recreating the circumstances that make it possible.

*the word slow is both accurate and inaccurate. time passes in a much more enjoyable way, is not a burden and i am not counting the agonizing seconds, but at the same time it is also slowed down in the sense that i feel more aware or appreciative of sensations and whatever other data is coming in. so the data fills more of or makes the moments more full

saturday night, nowhere to go, no one to talk to. waiting, suspension, lack of

no direction to see yet.

what can i do to pass this time. will i feel compelled to go out in search of release, that will undo more 'progress'

or can i keep waiting. the emergency tapes aren't enough

and it would be ok if it all stopped now. any moment now.

so many consciousnesses on this planet. mine is clogged up with so much. so much that i just don't know how to get rid of. and maybe it's a survival thing to try to hide this sort of thing, all the mess, and because i can't or don't want to

how many saturday nights left?

how many until i recognize how long ago it was that there ceased to be any real chance

i used to drink vodka.

mixing with something light, not too sickly sweet (diet sprite)

or drink shots

both options better for dancing.

and now, this stuff i usually drink *is* sweet, and heavy, and is mixing in the chocolate and coffee thing. would i prefer to drink the more expensive versions. probably.

(i am not drinking tonight. i haven't gone shopping.)

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but all the years of trying to push myself

a huge binge, staying up all night, something to shock the system and make something happen

years and years have passed. i have managed to express a little, but not enough to connect me to enough moments

the lows are more intense than the highs

it doesn't even take so many intense highs to carry one along for a while or inspire or

but there's not enough distinction now. it's kind of like a flatline with the occasional anemic blip.

in comparison.

i don't really want to go places that are trendy or where

not for the trendiness, anyway.

but if an image draws me in

i am willing to deal with the idea that i will be uncool and undesirable company, not in keeping with the ideals and aims of the cool and trendy, but also to try to stay open [at this point i had seen an image of mink on the web. just the booth, the blue one, with the mural and curtains, and it was that image that caught my fancy.]

people are just people, and are sometimes open to more than what you think or fear they are

not to be afraid of what you think they expect

and the idea of imagination, of how my imagination might respond to different circumstances, surroundings, even if part of it ends up being to find ways to cope with the unpleasant aspects

just wanting something different

and maybe just in seeking info, or setting things in motion,

in itself is a stimulation, and makes a blip

ugh. how many more hours today until sleep.

why can't i just pick up and go somewhere tonight, anywhere, what prevents me?

there's still a feeling of

my self-confidence as it attaches to going outside is currently low. some of that relates to the recent binge behaviour. i feel defiled? i realize rationally that some of the changes may not be noticeable to most people, and certainly not noticeable at all to people who have never seen me before.

i don't know how to explain how extreme the feeling is, how

it's like i can't even reach the bare minimum of what is acceptable. it is beyond my grasp.

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all of the things i haven't dealt with for years, that i have put off changing or fixing or addressing,

in addition to feeling like something just won't wash off, that it's still there, will still be there for a while

the deformed glands might not be noticeable to anyone else, and of course i can wear my hair in front of them

i tried on the old pants i try on to gauge where i'm at. basically, i am not all that large, but there is still a little bloating around my middle that will probably go down more in a couple of days if i

but my pants are a size one. they aren't tight (even in the waist, just fit about right). and so i think why what do i wait for

and i can say that at this age, working out is a lot more important than size and i haven't worked out in a while. and i feel tired and don't know when i will feel like exercising.

and do i keep lowering expectations. if i travel, could i accept that maybe i won't exercise

i don't know how to say it all, the

if i went out somewhere tonight, where would i go?

some people stay in, some people go out to restaurants and bars or for coffee, or to dance, or to parties. rent movies, eat junk food. watch or play sports? various kinds of drugs.

to go out by myself for dinner or to a movie or something like that doesn't seem like enough. the stress would outweigh the occasion and take away from it, unless i could think of some way to focus mentally such that i could imagine some pleasure or psychological satisfaction in it. i think i would need to do something bigger. go to the airport, travel further in more than one sense.

it's silly, though, if one small aspect changed, something that hasn't changed in a while, it could be enough for something small in these circumstances. for example, if i suddenly changed my hair and liked the results, for a short time, before i became desensitized to it that could help to motivate me to do something, maybe.

i meant to taper on the caffeine, and it looks like i just can't. afraid of how low the low is without caffeine. i can't even reduce it. i can reduce food, but need the caffeine and sugar. i'm held in a routine that may last until gk's return. if i don't have a plan, if i haven't set something in motion i may be too weak to resist just falling back into the old patterns. i wait for info. i've put in a bare minimum effort. is it up to chance now.

how long will i have to wait for info. for the next few days, i am probably 'stabilized', suspended, not going anywhere. i can probably wait semi-patiently.

will anything else occur to push things along faster.

i am not sure what stage is less stressful.

waiting, not knowing or when i know and will have to put in a kind of effort. not 'have' to but the internal pressure that will kick in.

and i could be watching my emergency tapes, but feel a need to try to get things out because they are weighing me down.

and every now and then sadness related to wishing it could be less well blah. that i could be something different, more watchable, more

more

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i have been feeling slightly chilled. i would like to have warm food to eat. i do not have any wish to grill, bake or stirfry any of the meat that is in the freezer, or prepare any vegetables. there are various kinds of oil available, garlic, various herbs and spices, soy sauce. there is also leftover salsa. (this is mainly in the fridge for cocoa's benefit. for me to eat it, i'd prefer to have a bag of doritos, some cheese, an avocado and light sour cream. cheese is grated and put with salsa on doritos, then microwaved until cheese melts. avocado is food processed. all 3 'sauces' are used as dips. cocoa likes this stuff also. blackbeard will eat, but seems to prefer plain doritos. not enough experience with kulfi yet. he seems to eat anything cocoa will eat. cocoa will lick salsa off almost anything.) all of the meat in the freezer is boneless, which helps, but is still not enough to make it seem appealing enough to cook or eat. the vegetables available include red bell pepper, broccoli, onions, dried mushrooms, carrots and tomatoes. sometimes when alone i do slice up tomatoes and put a bit of salt on them, but i don't really like the look of the current tomatoes. they aren't as ripe as i'd like.

i don't want to make hot coffee. the last few (couple?) days i have been debating a bit about having a third iced coffee. i think i decide against mainly because of the calories.

i am not experiencing nausea. i have had headaches at times, and have taken paracetamol a few times. two at at time. i've had 8 500 mg tablets so far since monday.

about 1400 calories in total intake today: i have had two iced coffees. i ate two different kinds of apples, plus some weet-bix with milk and sugar. i had the coffees first, food later on. i have a bit of a headache at 10 pm.

i am thinking a bit about having extra 'drugs' because it is saturday night. i doubt an extra coffee will do a lot for me. i will probably just try to hold off and go to bed when i can.

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28/05/06

it is a nice surprise to wake up and find a possum sleeping in a possum box. it's probably cocoa, but because i haven't seen the ear yet, all i see is a big fluffy possum ball, i am not completely sure.

glands still a bit un-normal.

now i'm kind of thinking: only two days until gk returns. that will make 7 days. i had 14 days of extreme excess. the first two days probably would have been taken care of by my system and would cancel themselves out. 7 days is not enough to compensate for the rest, especially with no exercise. how long would it take just to get me back to where i was, which wasn't as far as i wanted to be? probably about 3 weeks, with exercise (but only if my calorie intake stays at what it is, or goes lower).

but gk wasn't certain about the return date. it may be postponed a little.

every day i don't binge and vomit is probably helpful at this point.

one thing i was noticing a lot when gk was here was that it didn't take much for me to feel angry on the spur of the moment. for not much of a reason at all. even before the b/p behaviour started, long before. even if i felt i had awoken in a somewhat good mood, as soon as i had contact with him i would notice i started to feel irrationally angry. i feel no anger at all in his absence. i asked him not to phone me, i said i needed a little time.

i think that sort of reaction happens, the anger for no real reason, when relationships are breaking down. i would even talk myself through it, try to prepare beforehand to prevent it from happening because i could see he didn't deserve anger and i honestly didn't want it to happen, and still it would happen. it is difficult when you have two basically passive individuals and no one can make a decision, or the situation is so complicated that even with the combined rationality of two fairly rational people you can't come up with a good solution. i see that he is in an impossible situation. i see that past experience with me, the total effect of the experience he has with me probably poses all kinds of moral and practical dilemmas.

but it's difficult to live with someone when you suspect they sort of hope you will just die already and solve these problems. or worse, that the person is thinking of suicide themselves. there is no contest/doubt. it *is* better if *i* die.

but if i can't arrange it, how do i clean up the rest of this mess? how do i make it easier for him? to go on with his life.

i was watching an episode of grey's anatomy in which a nagging, belittling woman who had had something like 5 bypass surgeries was in another open heart surgery and her heart or something caught on fire, and she still lived through it. and finally, her husband had had enough, he wasn't going to wait for her to die any longer, he trusted that she would survive, and he finally broke away, declared his independence, etc.

whenever i watch something, when negative personality traits are portrayed, i always feel self-conscious, i always see pieces of myself. but at the same time, i wouldn't want anyone to put me in the position of being the nagging shrew for decades or whatever. (i do make an effort to articulate that point of view.) i would want the other person to stand up for themselves much sooner, because otherwise, it looks like both parties have an equal share in the perpetuation of an unpleasant situation.

[i realize there was an ethical dilemma in the case i mentioned. the guy couldn't abandon his wife when there was one life-or-death situation after another. it was only the 5th one, the one that stretched all believability that made him think it was ok to finally go. this situation represents a part of my thinking that i don't know how to get down in words... something about absorbing the guilt or facing the situation as early as you have conscious awareness - sorry, i'm struggling here because i don't have much experience with trying to write this - that sometimes even if you do something that seems morally not right, it may actually be the best course of action for the individuals involved.

but i think that point of view may be coloured by other

i think some of my thoughts deny natural human survival impulses, and may therefore be unrealistic in practice.

that the length of a life does not determine its worth, and that clinging on can look like a kind of addiction.

even on a personal level, i would question that it's only about the individual and what they want. i mean, if a person is desperate to live at all costs, i don't automatically think that's a sign that it is best for the person to live. in some ways, it is just an extension of life itself. you don't always get the job or mate you want, or your every whim satisfied. people who are used to those things may think or may find it more difficult to 'lose' in a big way, but isn't it part of the randomness of human life, or even if people prefer to think it isn't so random, why can't death be similar in its appearance to all the other events that make up a life?

but i don't think very many people are at the place i'm at.

why is it easier to feel sorry for the one who doesn't complain, who is self-effacing,

is it something about how weakness is less of a threat?

but it seems to

the 'truth' about human nature seems to be that strength, even if it is ugly is what people respect. they may condemn it, but it's like a kind of respect

but i do see that sometimes it takes time for a person to gather the strength to stand up to whatever they need to stand up to. i see it in myself. and so, yes, i can see that when someone else manages to finally get there,

i mean, i can see why people admire that or have good feelings related to a mild-mannered person overcoming an 'oppressor'.

it was me, wasn't it? i kept turning the other cheek for most

and if i find myself short on patience now with those who are still in that place, is it so i can see things from other perspectives, see how i looked through the eyes of others?

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i was not handling the idea of turning 40 well. but, the way i handled it ended up making it stand out more than other years, birthdays. the preparation, the trip, and the work on the house, the hotel i chose, somehow it all seemed to align such that i will think the combination will have a lasting impression

the vulcan hotel.

[er, i don't think the possum in the box is cocoa. it is a smallish possum and might be kulfi. the ears look sort of long. they definitely do not look floppy.]

on my birthday, gk arrived and we had cappuccinos and shared a chocolate volcano and a chocolate velvet tower. when walking around in the days before his arrival, one thing i did was check out all the bakery displays i saw, so that i could have what i liked best on my birthday.

we had penne macchiato and a margharita pizza at macchiato for dinner. the flavours were subtle but very nice and perfect at the time and to balance the earlier coffee and chocolate. they hid us away in the 'uncool' section [note: the people here were more interesting than in the other parts], and i was shocked to see how hideous i looked in their bathroom mirror/lighting, but i definitely enjoyed the meal. and actually didn't mind being where we were, because i

it felt to me that i wasn't ready to deal with anything different

i was still in 'get it all over with' mode.

i was awake until 5 am or so, unable to sleep because of the coffee and chocolate i'd had earlier. the desserts were very rich. but it wasn't unpleasant to be awake. my thoughts weren't a burden. i had a kind of hope that i could continue on, get further

be alive when i die.

some kind of step that ends up in a totally different direction

my current idea is to book a lot of unusual hotels online. and fly here and there, and

maybe there are smarter, more practical things to do

less expensive.

but to a person who hopes or wishes to be struck dead, and who gets stuck in horrifying personal patterns like mine and isn't likely to become a healthy productive contributing member of society, isn't it better to decide to approach

to choose a course

i have no pattern to follow. if i choose to travel like this.

i have seen my patterns when i get my own apartment with a lease.

i isolate, and wait. and sometimes, eventually something happens that leads to a kind of life i tend to want to escape. so why not bypass all of that

and escape

come out as a wastrel

and take the consequences

i seem to be losing a lot of hair. at first, it didn't seem too excessive and i thought maybe it would right itself. i thought maybe i was using too much conditioner, which was weighing my hair down and causing it to be more prone to breakage. but for the last couple of days, especially today, i have been losing *a lot* of hair.

i still take iron regularly. it may be that it is not being absorbed properly. it would be possible to test iron levels.

perhaps i don't get enough protein in my diet. when going low in calories a few months ago, i added a 3-eggwhite omelet to the daily intake. low in calories, high in protein, and all whipped up seems a big meal in a psychological sense. i drink a lot of milk, but am never sure if it ends up being adequate in the protein area.

maybe it's the stress of the extreme changes. it did start 3-4 months ago.

and the last time i lost a lot of hair, it took about 3 months or so for the hair loss to kick in. 3 months of concentration, exercise, dieting.

getting more used to hunger signals. i notice them, but it's getting easier to ignore them. i could probably go lower in calories. i probably should make reducing iced coffee intake a priority, though, and don't know if i'm ready.

will my body force a 'stabilizing' period on me? will it keep me here at any cost to try to fix or build up resources

it sucks when the concentration, deprivation and effort don't have more noticeable or worthwhile results.

i look at my writing, and see an airhead. but it's like with my body. if i put in months of exercise and diet, there is quite a difference. people could look at my writing and see the deterioration, but if they don't know i've always struggled to wade through all the crap and unnecessary

whatever ideas i've articulated well over the years mostly start out fuzzy, the way things come out here. i go over them, and start cleaning it all up, fleshing it out,

they probably wouldn't realize that with certain stimuli i could still be able to focus well enough to reach a considerably

but maybe like with my body at this point it takes an effort i can't manage no matter what, because i'm too far behind and the equipment is too falling apart.

after an extended out of control binge period, it takes a while for my face to

for a while it is puffy, then even as the puffiness subsides there is still a dry, drawn look to it. which cold weather probably ends up exaggerating. it kind of scares me.

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rules, boundaries, etc. when they fall away, that is part of why i can leave things like this or write the way i do. the more shoulds you eliminate, the less inclined you are to follow any ideas at all that would be a participation in or that represent a striving toward normality or the appearance of normality and all that entails, including sanity, adherence to form, keeping up appearances

although i do see that with words it is possible to chip away at it is possible to describe or explain to some extent and that it is better to make the effort when i can. i haven't totally eliminated that need yet.

but for now, it's well it's vomit. it's all mixed up, partly digested, indistinguishable, messy,

i don't know why i need to let it out. it is passing time. i could be watching emergency tapes, and put it off, because there's a need still to let it out.

trying to accept, trying to understand what i would do if all of this was interpreted and focused on in ways that made me feel bad, what that would mean, what the 'truth' would be.

1450 today and final total yesterday. again i have a strong urge to have another iced coffee. i feel hungry, but something else is worse or more noticeable or more insistent than feelings of hunger.

part of me wants to get some kind of discouraging response so that i will just give up. but i think something has gone far enough that if i go back to the same old patterns something's going to prick at me until i leave. until the intervals become shorter or until

it's difficult to have to be able to see certain things. to apply to my situation. to know that i can't shut off the consciousness. no one should have to support my slothfulness. how can i figure out how to be less of a burden? it just seems like the only solution is to somehow cut off all contact and make it stick, for things to go far enough that there is no going back.

if i could just go on as i am now for a month or a couple of months, how would i feel physically? how would my self-confidence be?

but those are silly questions. without exercise, i won't feel like me. and the more time goes on, the more likely i am to go out somewhere, if only to create some kind of change, if only to break up the monotony.

i feel bored in a way that

it's becoming more difficult to endure the time.

i was thinking earlier about vampires, about vampires who have been living underground a long time, weak, decrepit, etc, and need fresh human kills, maybe many to regain strength. and now about vampires who are reluctant, and kill rats

i am just babbling. vampirism is a good analogy for addictions of whatever kind. am i as harmful to the people i've known as a vampire that sucks the life out

but isn't that partly why i've tried to warn people about myself, to be open about myself, and why i've tried to

how on earth did erin driscoll's daughter kill herself at the ctu medical centre?? aren't people there trained to prevent people from killing themselves before they spill the beans? and by slitting her wrists no less?

maybe some scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. and maybe the girl was maybe she had some special skills, like her mother, like others related

ugh, i'll try to pass time until i can sleep by watching tv if i can

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29/05/06

still some issues with the glands.

a couple of dreams woke me up today.

in one: my sister and i were at the top of some kind of building, and she was saying she didn't ever want to see me again. i started to say i could understand that, and then went into analyzing various aspects of it and felt bad about it, and at the same time, felt i was different to her, and that in a way it would be best for both of us. she was obviously distressed, and i did understand that my complicated thought processes were not helpful to her, and this is part of what made me feel bad.

and then it became apparent that a neighbour was listening. she was a thin middle-aged or so neighbour with a hard face, with some aspects of my own face and she pulled my sister into her fenced off bit of yard and shut the gate in a protective way. in a very self- righteous way and with much anger told me to get help or get out.

and then i realized she was right, but tried to explain to her why for me it was like i was so far beyond help that i couldn't, that it was actually beyond me to do either.

and i felt sad, because it made sense, but i realized that no one was on my side.

i woke up feeling that maybe i should have made more of an effort to apologize to my sister for what happened both when i was going through all the confusion as a teenager and hurt her or confused her, and for what happened later, when i definitely sent her mixed messages, and probably scarred or hurt her further. or confused her.

sometimes, i think some kind of acknowledgement does help. but if i was just going to try to justify it or if i myself couldn't really sort it all out

maybe that wouldn't have helped very much.

sometimes, it just ends up looking like i'm so tired that i can't figure it out, and that perhaps it has all happened for the best. i don't really wish for contact, and definitely not ongoing contact with anyone in my biological family. i just do not see any genuine basis

recently, i have found while watching various tv programs that i compile little lists in my head. of who i would be most likely to have sex with, who i'd most want to talk to or see in a friendship kind of way, or have various kinds of psychological interaction with. the lists are separated into male and female lists.

but i don't actually think about having actual sex or anything else. it just seems like a pathetic part of human nature, to make stupid lists like that. it's only like i was half aware of what i was doing. but, it gives me one more glimpse of how i probably have similarities to the masses.

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i'm not sure i'd have

i'm not sure i'd be able to keep up my end of the conversation. with anyone. past experiences cannot be recreated.

i've probably mutated further in all these years, and probably can't go back.

there are certain times in my life that i can never dismiss. times that stay with me, that don't

nothing can really change that i feel i experienced something extraordinary.

gk often seems to get stuck with the short end of the stick.

it's just unfair that he's the one stuck living with me, because my experiences with him were extraordinary too. and when i write, i have more info to work with, a lot of which is the tedious day to day desensitized

it's just unfair.

[Just heard back about Honey Apartments.]:

very nervous. but i'll probably give it a little time to sink in, and then start think about making a choice. choosing dates.

i guess i can 'flush' all this when i'm done with it. the writing to keep myself company, to relieve the pressure, and to try to take back my own space

the timing is fortunate. i was holding on, and now i can make a decision, make a plan.

if gk doesn't return tomorrow night according to schedule, it seems very possible that i might go shopping. sometimes, just before he returns i have gone. as a way of having

i will probably need the excess anyway. it will help me refocus and prepare for my trip.

on tuesday, i can

at the moment i feel sad. i wonder if it's related to the anxiety.

i should collect the dates and look at them.

she addressed me as stephanie. which sets a kind of tone, i think. she is probably more comfortable with that person. but, it doesn't matter in the sense that

when it comes to my surroundings, accommodations, it probably is good to have a kind of distance or anonymity so

it is different to any place i have ever stayed. that in itself is something to focus on. to just see what happens. to not let myself become too bogged down with unnecessary details. the important thing is to just see what happens.

i can feel i'm afraid. it's not like i haven't felt this kind of fear before. i think i'll probably move forward with this, though.

break it into steps. look at the dates. do stuff to relax. look at dates at the other two places. look at the qantas site. form a plan. figure out how to ask about the payment options. get it out of the way. i can bring cash, but it's the initial deposit? that's the issue if i can't use a credit card. how do people in other countries pay deposit? it is not an impossible problem.

all of the options are a bit overwhelming. but will become less overwhelming if

i have to go back and look at the dates.

is it important to get the longterm rates? is it better to put off until later to go? try to go to europe first?

but if i only get weekly rates, maybe one week

what am i doing? i am a bit lost or haven't got focus. i probably need to go back and look at dates, combine with other images and info, and it will start my imagination moving, it will start forming plans.

possibilities.

just trying to relax and to prepare to prepare.

i need to make a kulfi gif and add to calendar.

i need to get a calendar to look at dates.

i am sitting here like a stunned mullet.

no one to discuss it with. make my own decisions.

ok, get up, get a calendar, go back online and fetch dates.

if i don't go until july, i will probably be able to exercise beforehand.

so many choices.

do other people experience this kind of anxiety

probably. some don't complain.

some have more outside influences that help them decide what 'suits'.

is this freedom? hehe

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no real plan is forming yet. it all feels a bit off. i may need a little time to absorb things. it might be better to give it 24 hrs. what do i really want to do?

the original thought was that i wanted somewhere to go soon, a place to use as a base to plan. somewhere to stay for a while. it could be put off until i have done what i said i'd do, what i told gk i'd stay to do?

if it could go the way i want, maybe i'd have a place for july and august, meet gk somewhere that he wishes for his birthday, platonically, and then try europe, but have that planned in advance. it seems like that would probably need 4 weeks at least for the europe trip. and maybe, i might want to be open to whatever

i can plan from here, but the whole point is that i probably can't hold on long here before sinking. if i have a plan, a set amount of time, i can probably use it to focus and prepare

the idea of moving around eventually. mobility. place to place. more mental and psychological preparation is necessary. or could i at any time be ready. is that still there, the potential

adjustment to new info. a bit lost, floating,

do people really sell out? it seems to me that there are more factors at play that determine choices, and that many ideals deny underlying human truths. we live out parts of ourselves with different people. who's to say which parts are the most promising

with time and more info, perspectives will shift and

i think that now i am more open in a way. i think past experiences are resolved as well as possible, understood, integrated into the whole, and that i don't feel pulled back.

i am a mutant. i don't mind. i might be able to travel around observing, absorbing. i don't know what else there is. it might be a new chemical reaction that this behaviour brings out. maybe it's just like a form of tv watching for me. with a little more audience participation. to view people's lives with heightened awareness of all the possibilities,

i will probably always spend a lot of time sitting in the rooms, which is one reason it is good to make an effort to choose different types whenever possible.

i think though that even little bits of outside exposure take a while to process. that i probably do take in a lot of info, even when i feel anxious.

i feel chilled today. temperatures are still similar to what they were when i felt hot. a hot shower will probably help. i like to put it off though. i would prefer to shower when it's dark. probably won't be able to wait that long, especially after the second iced coffee which i haven't had yet, but will probably have soon.

i still wish to have warm food, and food that is not as sweet as what i've been eating. nothing available here that appeals. i do know how to cook a little. i just don't want to. i forgot to mention that we also have chili paste, tandoori paste, lemon juice, teriyaki sauce. maybe a few others also.

i am writing to kill time. what next. another iced coffee, some emergency videos, a shower, possum feeding, monday night tv?

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bleh.

if you watch tv in a half awake kind of way, you don't really notice the agendas so much. like all the ways they prepare you to accept why torture can be a good thing.

but seriously, will the urges to torture and be tortured ever disappear from human

and will consensual substitutes satisfy?

all of these life and death issues, all of these IMPORTANT political and social issues and i take in all the simplified arguments and i do talk back in my mind and look or imagine details that are left out of all personal examples but i am still entertained to some extent by the simplifications, and try to accept that. others take control of focus and i still ask questions but not in any way that makes me part of it, or part of change. it is a kind of apathy and abdication. why is it so difficult to isolate issues and make a few comments when my site is full of so much

circles.

what does anyone wait for? if they have thoughts they do not voice, what do they save them for? isn't that part of why a person might feel surrounded by those they don't connect to? because they don't try to clarify and articulate what they really think? they shut themselves off or is that what i did

but if you put things out there and no one responds, isn't it 'wrong' to assume that no one understands what you are trying to say? it just may mean that they recognize something, but aren't ready yet or are waiting for something else to spur them to communicate.

what is there for me to wait for? why not leave today? i have allowed circumstances to decide for me, to decide the when. because there are so many options, and so many personal quirks to factor in and because

is there a superstitious kind of waiting for things to feel 'right'?

to feel propelled along by a feeling that

it is best to drown this worthless piece of crap brain in some kind of chemical

[heh, reading this over later, i think that maybe it is. i'm only partly through this massive entry, and honestly can't see much in it. can't really see any reason to continue or to figure out how to 'share' this. it looks like something for the scrapheap. and again i realize that i have a need to attach images that are in themselves flat and not challenging, but are something to look at that is at least somewhat less boring than my writing???]

the feeling of fragility, of weakness the feeling that i can't organize or think i can only let it spill forth

wow, i have passed a lot of time writing drivel more drivel

without fuel or repairs, i am stuck here

can a makeshift solution get me to somewhere i can find what i need to get further

just jump. pick a date, any date. it would be better than letting it slide and not thinking any date

put dates in a hat. does the random factor appeal?

javadates.

too much like tarot

i probably have to go through this for now until i push through it

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it does seem that it might relieve anxiety a bit to just keep writing, although it also makes me feel worse about myself, which is always a danger in that it makes me more prone to thoughts that i don't really want to go anywhere. i feel a bit sleepy, but that is probably because i haven't had the second coffee yet.

why do i have to be stuck trying to wade through why do i have to be me.

it is not enough to go to one 'hotel' in this instance. i need to collect more for the binge. in order for it to be satisfying or representative of components of something or other.

i am hungry.

if i just decide to give up my hold on life, because surely i must be clinging on to something, surely i would soon die? but it feels like the new excesses might be kind of like a supply of chocolate that i can't avoid for long. i just don't know.

i am freaking scary. i am a scary mess. what could i possibly enjoy why bother at all

the excessiveness, the hunger, can't be hidden. it is unreasonable

i turn the computer off, and then there's more, get to the toilet (computer) in time. it's a hassle. i am sick of this. but i have no access to b/p foods. i really don't want to binge on weet-bix. gk will probably phone or email today. another bit of info to push me along into the next direction.

is it worse than usual, or just different? it's just so soon after losing a major effort, watching it slip away

my mind can it take another

will i ever be able to bring myself to look at this and examine the patterns in a semi-scientific way? is there any useful data here?

there is an extremely unpleasant kind of stress in the realization

the current routine can't be maintained. i can't stay in this. i don't know how i can stand it at present, but there's a realization that it can't continue. if i don't try to make decisions, the way that it will all unfold will be a horror. the only chance to lessen it is to try to make a decision while i'm in a window of opportunity or to try to figure out to observe from as many angles as possible and note the possible moments of alignment. the chances to lessen or

at the same time, i recognize that in some ways it's not so bad, while it is also already horrifying.

this moment, even though i haven't showered yet, i would take an instant suicide pill of whatever kind.

good bye. but the fear of how bad things get when i don't just drop dead. when i just let it slide and wait. because something's different now, isn't it? i have at least the chance that i might be up to going somewhere, when there are times i'm here for extended

when i know there's no way.

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warm food. comfort.

a question. are they all more conservative than me?

it's silly, because it's too general a word, and when you think of all the aspects of behaviour, thinking and ideals it can apply to, it becomes sillier and less of a description it becomes a silly thing to say, a thoughtless thing. just something to spit out without thinking, something that only hints at some unclarified observation.

if this mess is what i am, why bother to hide it? what does it matter? but the longer the proportion is like this, with so much of this kind of thing, and nothing else to balance, nothing pleasing, the more difficult it is to feel any attachment to this life, or any sense that i can like what i am

i won't ever contact anyone in my biological family for 'help'. i won't contact my ex, either. these are things i don't worry about, because i know there's something... that things have gone past a point of no return.

i don't think there is anyone from online that i will try to write to again. we all took things as far as we could, and there is nowhere else to go. i am too depleted, not 'alive' enough.

i feel cold, have had a second iced coffee. a shower will probably warm me up, make me feel better for a while, although i'm not looking forward to the handfuls of hair falling out.

possums will probably visit soon.

and i should make a kulfi gif, write some code.

what about the possum site if i leave? i guess i could give gk a copy of it all, and he could launch his own on his own domain. if we kept in contact, he could mail me pictures and anecdotes, but i think it would be best if i

if he could find a new longterm relationship, i think that would be sufficient to make sure i wasn't an ongoing burden. it would be a relief, in a way.

details, like the credit card. in most cases, it seems like a credit card is necessary to what i want to do. if i transfer money to cover immediately whenever i use it and if when i am running out of money i cut up the card

it may work

credit card deadbeat

wholegrain mustard and capers. ketchup. (more items in fridge.) (shudder wrt the ketchup.)

cold and hungry.

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i forget, if gk is coming home on schedule, will he just not call or email? i think that was it. if he's going to call, it will probably be soon. email is probably not practical where he is. he might even be done for the day.

he usually needs to crash fairly soon after arriving home. no matter how many coffees he's had, no matter how early in the day it is, no matter if he's been in his hotel room fairly early at night..

it sucks, because when he's ready to crash, it's like i've just been holding on until i have some company. and the compromise is of course, he is very considerate and holds on long enough to get me a few items to

and i try to let him sleep as soon as possible. it probably helps if my list is ready, and i don't add too many complications to the whole situation.

i know he will be pleased to learn that kulfi slept in the box.

i like ketchup on cheeseburgers, probably not much else.

i mean, i probably don't like ketchup on anything else. i'm not sure why. i seem to like tomato sauces and tomatoes a lot. they call ketchup tomato sauce here, which i find confuses the matter.

less than a day. i find my mind moving into that mode

it's so difficult to stop waiting for drugs

i haven't made a decision yet. i probably will soon. i will want to make a decision before having drugs. it's like a cleaning, it's like getting as much as i can accomplished before losing control. and if the decision is made, i am more likely to find a way to refocus rather than get lost indefinitely or stuck indefinitely in the behaviour, i will impose a limit on it.

what if it wasn't that long at all until i decided to start going here and there, wherever i feel like going at the time? i could stay in melbourne for a few weeks or a couple of weeks, and just go from there

anywhere

a preparation period might be beneficial, to get a bit more exercise in. and try to mentally prepare as much as possible. but it still wasn't long ago that i was in sydney, and so the idea of it all isn't as frightening as it was back then, before i went.

i could call gk to find out what's going on. and to break the silence, but there is a kind of

there is always an adjustment when the silence is broken, and then again when there is a return.

what are we doing.

suddenly, just the idea, that in a relatively short time, i could be somewhere in the world that i don't expect at all

i think i need new influences. my formal writing style reminds me of a victoria's secret bot. [email stiffness related to making plans. months previously, i had a lot of problems related to getting victoria's secret to answer a couple of simple questions related to a mistake on their part.]

one step closer, though. it is moving along, and now i probably only have to go with it

there actually is some kind of enjoyable feeling that

there's fear, of course, but i feel kind of pleased about acting on my own

i also feel like why am i doing this. why bother. why go here of all places.

but why go anywhere? and it's only because there is still some small wish to go *somewhere*.

i feel starved now, and severely deprived. not just

i feel deprived of the possibility of comfort

i feel impatient

i hate the stupid cycles.

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30/05/06

i weighed myself this morning. 50.6 kg

wow, what a beast! heh. i realize the idiocy. that weight makes sense, considering the amount of excess and considering past experience of how long it takes to compensate.

1400 or so calories per day is not enough to lose one pound per week, especially if i'm not exercising, and also if i am spending almost half the day in bed.

but if i am to be all covered up, 50 kg or so and anything below isn't too difficult to deal with. even now, if for some reason i had to travel today, in a way it would be a relief not to binge. to just go out and have coffee, eat meals while walking around, if i walked around a lot i could lose weight without thinking about it.

so, if i'm able to finalize plans, i have plenty of time.

i actually weigh a little less than when i left for sydney (51 kg on the day of, but lost some weight there), but i haven't been working out at all.

and when gk returns, will i be able to help falling into the pattern, will i walk away from a binge

not likely. there are only so many times through the years you can say, ok, right now i'm deciding not to perpetuate the behaviour. it doesn't have to be this way. right now, i'm going to do something different. when you go through that scenario enough times, and still just can't continue with it, i think it's possible you become more realistic about it. the history of failure is a problem, and may prevent 'thinking positively', but in my case at a certain point i started to think i just didn't have access to enough information to know what might have been going on at various levels physiologically and in other ways that might have contributed in ways that ended up making me feel bad about myself well regarding things that i maybe actually didn't have enough info or resources to know how to fix.

it's a bit depressing to pick the same foods over and over, when i think part of the issue is that the binging represents a longing to try a lot of different things, and to eat out in restaurants.

it's like seeing all kinds of places to visit, it's an overload, it's difficult to choose and it's difficult in the first place to overcome the invisible barriers or not so invisible barriers related to lack of practical resources.

when you're in a state of extreme deprivation, it takes a superhuman effort to focus well enough to figure out how to get the 'food' you need. to survive. it becomes easiest to accept what you don't even deserve in the first place, because you are such a loser, it becomes easiest to put everyone out as little as possible.

and of course the patterns weaken me further and seem to put me further and further from what might feel fulfilling.

but. it is late in life, however i now seem to possibly be in more of a position not only to spot some of these issues, identify them, but i am also in a position of potentially being able to try some of what i wished i could try many, many years ago.

by dodging the system, by living as a fugitive, i have possibly come up with or stumbled upon

or maybe it's a price you have to pay to find your own way out.

everybody seems to want to be different. aren't we all different?

but it is like people admire the kinds of different they can recognize. the kinds that are already easy to spot because

i should probably go have a shower. unless i missed something, gk will probably be home soon. it will be better if i make a list. it's ridiculous, but i haven't made one. there's just a longing for *something*, for excess, for warm food, for i don't know what, probably some kind of colourful or warm interaction. and i will try to translate that into culinary symbols and go through the whole disgusting ritual.

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there's a feeling that the damage isn't too bad, i have a kind of hope even that in the time i have i can get myself further ahead, even to a place that i might start to like...

but it depends on how this binge goes, and how long it drags on. it makes the most sense to keep it short and then concentrate on the trip, but a lot of the time, even in special circumstances like this i put it off, and end up just doing the bare minimum.

we'll see. this year is already one of my marker years, i think. i think also that there will potentially be a lot more to remember about this year.

glands are not totally normal, but normal enough that i feel more relaxed about the idea of being outside somewhere.

i feel chilled. temperature is similar to what it has usually been lately. (today in the house i think at present it's about 20 C)

i am craving hot coffee served at a cafe, with someone to talk to. maybe with a warm small lunch item of some kind, not sweet, but with the possibility of later in the day having some kind of small dessert. maybe more coffee.

but at the same time, i also crave excess. actually, as i write, i'm not really thinking about that, but i know it's always there.

i have been thinking that if i can possibly forego drinking i probably should as often as i can. i don't like the word 'should', and at times i do find that i rebel against that sort of thing. it's just a bit disturbing to me how i keep linking more behaviours and making the patterns increasingly more physically debilitating and difficult to break enough to get far enough ahead.

the drinking is kind of sad. my ex and i used to drink in order to cope with social occasions with my family in which we went to their parties or went out to nightclubs with them. but that was usually rare in the beginning, and even later there were still lots of times when i went almost a year or so without any alcohol at all. back then i did drink on houseboat trips every night for 3 or 4 nights in a row, but i only went on those trips twice in my life. when i went to nightclubs without my ex, i drank one or two times per week for a period of only a couple of months.

and when i started to drink on my own, it was only when my ex socialized more and more with my family while i stayed home. but when i did that, i danced. and most of the time when i stayed home alone, i ate junk food and watched rented videos, i didn't drink alcohol.

when gk and i drink we've never worn off energy dancing. we sit and watch music videos. at first, i can remember feeling a pronounced feeling of dissatisfaction, wondering how anyone could do this sort of thing more than once or

just feeling i had to somehow get out of the situation. gk is usually fairly quiet. he's had many years of drinking alone before he knew me. i think i became accustomed to it and to find it somewhat

it did seem like something of a 'party' to get drunk together, but at what point did i stop trying to find some other more satisfying way of

i think he'd be open to trying other things. but i ran out of energy

even now, i don't really like the idea of just drinking and watching music videos or listening to music. i want something more to happen. i want some kind of interaction

but not just things that turn in on themselves ultimately.

i can feel how habits can creep up and link themselves to other habits and behaviours. it sort of feels like if i live much longer and nothing changes dramatically that even if i hold out for a while, eventually alcohol would become a more regular part of my patterns.

and if other drugs of various kinds were available, so would they.

gk and i are very awkward. it's strange how different we are and how difficult it is to adjust every time

and i've lost track of the time. and how long i've been saying to myself that i've got to go.

but it also seems to me that drugs of various kinds have always and will always be part of human life, and that a lot of the panic and propaganda about them denies the reality that a lot of people live long lives with drugs. maybe sad in some ways, but functional enough that they don't draw too much attention to themselves, or if they do, they can somehow hack it.

and go on.

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i always like the idea of an initial preparatory period of deprivation, of building 'health' and 'strength' so that i'm ready to then just live for a while full out. to drink excessively, to eat

but it's not just that. it's about it being natural to the circumstances. not a planned binge,

just to be ready in a way for anything

in case life ever surprises me in ways i like.

i wonder, about people being either embarrassed to be associated with me, or just feeling they'd rather not, because i represent all that is tacky and

excessive in coarse ways.

oh, that's all right, i understand, you are perfectly right to feel that way, it's ok, i will just go away, i won't complain, i won't even feel bad, see? i understand. i really don't want to contribute to making anyone's world ugly or uncomfortable.

i just wonder to what extent

maybe this time if i don't have an extended binge period first, i could think about dressing up and having only a couple of drinks in a nightclub or something. and the same for meals

i am not sure, but i am feeling that this time

maybe it won't be too long until i leave permanently.

maybe something is happening that i'm not consciously aware

waiting for a reply is difficult. i wonder if i'm weird, unwanted, if there's a discomfort related to allowing me

but i'm a respectful and tidy tenant. screamingly boringly so. and i won't kill myself in the place. i promise.

what do i want tonight? it should be easy, but i have to plan ahead, guess about which ways it will all go.

what would be best would be to be able to make concrete plans. that will make it possible to focus and prepare.

later: not a good 'binge'. unfocused. eating too large portions, no vomiting. it's just not satisfying.

i need to make plans concrete, which will help with focus.

i hope this doesn't go on too long. it's so easy to gain weight back, so difficult to lose it.

it goes without saying that so often in my mind is a futile screaming thing help me help me help

etc. bleh

everybody has problems. i guess the object of the game is to hide them or deal with them better than other people do and you

win

or something

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31/05/06

still waiting.

when you absorb how much knowledge is involved, how many years of experience in many cases,

it can be intimidating to try to move beyond your comfort level and to try to explore or experience parts of life that seem to be guarded by invisible warnings or shock fences.

i recently was reading something, i forget what, i picked it up somewhere, something that linked listening to music with looking at art, and the chemical reactions that occur. and it wasn't a difficult concept for me to absorb, at all, but it's one of those things that makes me question myself and realize how little i know in a lot of areas.

music, i don't doubt at all that i've had the experiences, some that

i don't now, but i do remember. i still enjoy music, but it doesn't... it's more 'normal' now

i think it's probably about being not alive enough to hear the way i used to hear. such that the entire body and mind seem to become a kind of channel to allow life to rush/surge through (rush implies speed, when that's not the basis of the experience)

and when it comes to art, there's the intimidation factor, it's like i was shut out of that world long ago because it was decided by invisible influences that i didn't have the aptitude. people could tell just by looking at me that i couldn't appreciate or understand

but i can vaguely imagine that if life experiences prepare you, and a series of images might further push things along in a certain combination that at some point, the 'eyes' might be 'opened' in a similar way to the 'ears'.

but there is that 'us and them' mentality, maybe a protective device, but often is intimidating and seems a kind of judgment.

when you start to have some idea even within this world how many things to learn how many levels how many illusions how many how much there is to wade through and choose it looks overwhelming. if you can just block or if it never really is complicated, if who you are is so clear that you are allowed to just make choices that are extensions of the self and it feels natural, and you are allowed to feel that you have your own knowledge that is 'expert' or 'true'

and you are aware that there are those who try to stay on top of all the 'highest level' knowledge art wine food skills of whatever kind the most involved crosswords who read the economist and everything else they

i suppose it's good when you start to have a realistic appreciation of where you are in the world and don't beat yourself up about it if you realize that with what you've been given to work with (personal intelligence, resourcefulness, aptitudes, actual resources, etc) it makes sense

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when people travel, for the average person, is it mainly about having something beyond everyday life to look forward to, something that helps people to cope with their lives. a fantasy, a reward, and it just needs to be different to the daily routine in order to be a satisfying experience.

for anyone who feels trapped in whatever way, the movement, the sensation of escape, even if only momentarily

but when life is focused differently, when money is less of an issue, don't the focal points related to travel change? if theoretically you can go anywhere,

maybe it's more like a kind of exploring but sometimes with that kind of competitive or improve and broaden kind of mentality

or a hedonistic try everything and see if anything makes me feel anything

grasping at life, to make sure that nothing slips away, to make sure you got your money's worth

what if you know more than other people know, have more than other people have, can travel anywhere and still feel the need for escape or a surprise

i think that my approach might contribute only to a continued very slow education. when you are scared, or shut too many stressful influences or questions or whatever out, when you feel afraid to actually talk to people, it probably hampers

if i travel, i am thinking i might have to try to do something to jolt myself or the circumstances or put some effort into preparing for the awkwardness or knowing beforehand how i'd deal with questions. i like the idea of not bothering to prepare, to just go with it, but certain bombs probably

certain questions, that lead to other questions, if i'm not careful will lead to old situations that were very unpleasant and unnecessary. if i babble honestly (which often happens when i'm on the spot), i could just make things uncomfortable for everyone involved. there doesn't really seem to be a point to that. does that mean i've given up on the idea of anything going below the surface, or having some kind of personally 'meaningful' interaction or connection? no, but i have to be realistic about my terrible communication skills and how in a lot of cases it isn't worth it to make myself, or the other person, feel bad. i need to be allowed to spot the circumstances quickly in which it is better to dodge, and it may be necessary to have something to fall back on, to be ready for difficult circumstances beforehand so that less of my energy ends up going to coping with the fallout/stress/lack of self-confidence that go along with or are a result of idiotic babbling.

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i have the right to remain silent. yeah, ok, but if i'm not able, i need to figure out how to cope with the results. in any circumstance.

to be honest and 'true' to myself, while not making things worse for myself.

but when your mind is a mess, sometimes a necessary step is to verbalize the chaos in an attempt to organize it. why have i still not addressed this particular issue, made mental arrangements or agreements as to how to handle certain situations deftly *and* honestly? it seems a kind of procrastination that is inexcusable or just looks like laziness

but i think part of it is that i don't speak the language. there may be ways of brushing up,

i'm not sure i can even figure out how to speak my own language. i definitely would not trust interpreters. :>

but it is interesting, i think in seeing what interpreters had to say that it would be just what was needed for me to figure out how to articulate more.

later. i had the first 10 drinks in wow probably less than 1 hour. ? one drink extra.

i feel drunk. gk suggested alcohol. angry responses on my part: it does seem like an arguable thing that stress causes anger. when i drink, i don't seem to become more angry. gk has noticed this, that's why he suggested i drink.

and tada! it worked. i don't feel angry. i have a nice buzz. no one likes me, though.

but i have a buzz! heh.

of course i am avoiding my earlier hissy panic fit. we'll see what happens tomorrow.

it honestly would be good if i could leave without a circumstance forcing it.

i would like to remain on good terms with gk if possible. in reality, i don't see him having time to create his own possum site, and if he could send me things, perhaps that's a way for us to continue contact, and for me to keep the site going.

i am observing my drunkenness.

i mentioned to gk that i was worried about drinking too much, especially since i probably have a predispostion to become an alcoholic. i think he just wanted to get through the night, and to drink himself. he is starting to admit to me that it might be best that i never come back, and so i think it is probably pretty serious at this point.

the most important thing is that i do not forget to tape or watch the l word tonight!!!!

and while i am typing, i can half pass out and weave and try to see the screen that is in front of me

but, even as i write this, i wonder how it would be for him to read these words in a public sense, and if it would change things somehow.

i do feel quite chilled tonight. it will be nice to crawl into bed. but i am not tired yet.

gk went to bed almost an hour ago, i think. but am not sure.

the rest of the alcohol is locked up, i think.

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when i couldn't transfer the money, i felt lost. the idea of having to go in to the bank felt insurmountable. but maybe something will work itself out tomorrow. [the hissy fit related to this. i attempted to transfer money for the trip, but there was a problem, and in order to sort it out i had to go in to the bank, which i was not counting on. it was one extra thing i didn't think i could cope with. if i could organize it all online and then hide out inside for a while to gather strength, i thought i could cope with the trip. i had a kind of panic attack when the problem occurred.]

at this point, i will just let circumstances move me along.

maybe i am not a crabby or mean person at heart. i don't feel at the moment that there is anything

what i mean is, i think gk has done a lot for me, and that because of him, i have the chance to travel more

if he feels good about that, and if i try to get what i can out of the opportunities that have been presented to me,

maybe all around the outcome is good.

and maybe in a way it is good to have limits and boundaries for myself.

it's still relatively early, just before 12:30 am.

should i try to stay up longer? should i drink water?

i'm pretty drunken. i feel pretty alone.

i have some time to prepare, and some final time to enjoy what i have here.

but after that, i can't come back, can i.

so i'll work on that. i mean, i'll work on figuring out what to do with myself such that i don't remain an ongoing burden or problem.

at the moment, sleep might be nice.

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01/06/06

i am sick, hungover today. i went into the bank, all bloated and haggard. then i transferred the money. and right after, it was like i just didn't want to go, i couldn't see any point in it. it felt like a mistake to organize a trip, it felt like idiocy to bother going anywhere. i talked for a long time to gk, and wore him out or down again, and felt like a monster. the guilt, the shame, the stress of all of it. i don't want to travel. i just want to be struck dead.

sometimes effort feels like an accomplishment. sometimes it is like it just takes too much out of me, and nothing feels worth it.

supporting my bumhood, negative reinforcement, etc.

the unspoken agreement was maybe that eventually i'd just quietly go away. that i'd be responsible enough to just get up and go, that i'd also have enough self-respect to do it and not let myself become the revolting thing i have become.

what i would prefer overall in any relationships is that what is shared is only what a person wants to share, of themselves, without being nagged, pressured or guilted into it. i think that what is freely shared is part of what lets a person know where they stand.

right from the start, it's a bad idea for any person to put themselves in the sort of position of dependence i keep putting myself in. it's humiliating, it's horrifying, but more than that, it's like it's hard to believe i could do that to myself. wouldn't it have been better to be homeless?

you see in divorces people battling bitterly over money issues and i know that i could never feel entitled to anything. if someone doesn't freely want to

they shouldn't have to give me anything.

i don't want him to get stuck with me. i could still live for years, and i don't want him to have to support me.

when i look at all of this, there is nothing in myself i can see that is very appealing. and it all scares me, because the imbalances in this relationship are not likely to lead to anything good, and i'm not talking about money

how can i let myself how could i let it go on and on don't i have any self-respect

so get up and leave with nothing. and who knows if i can even get up and leave under any circumstances.

and i don't know. i don't know how to see any of it.

i don't think he minds. i don't think he feels ripped off. i think he would be happy if i could experience pleasure in life as a result of what he's given me.

if only i could get free of all the mess, all the different influences that pull me in so many directions and don't let me have any peace.

of course fast food chains couldn't thrive if there wasn't something people have in common that can be exploited. i realize that my fondness for fast food is at least partially and maybe mostly related to something i have in common with most people.

something i remember from way back though is that when my father came for visitation, we would always go out to eat, and most of the time we would first have burgers and fries or pizza. he sometimes took us to 'fancier' restaurants, but junk food was always part of the visitation.

i guess my father was most mothers' worst nightmare. bribe the kids with tons of junk, make it feel like fun to visit, brainwash the kids into thinking mother was some kind of repressed nazi.

i'm not sure visitation was even regular. i didn't pay attention to that. i don't think the phone calls were. and often birthday presents came half a year late or not at all.

maybe, i'm thinking it's possible, that i associate junk food with fun, with being remembered, with being taken away from normal life and responsibilities, and

maybe it's a representation of the war between my parents that i've internalized.

i remember i often ate until i was sick, i mean felt sick, didn't vomit. to show i was tough. i'm not tough any more.

i think there's some association my father had with eating a lot and being strong. because he was tall and thin, and had to bulk up for rugger. he didn't know much about nutrition, but the foods he ate to bulk up he probably associated with strength and success.

encouraging kids to stuff themselves, not really thinking about the consequences or implications.

not knowing when the 'fun' was going to happen again, having no real control. now an attempt to seek it out? or have control or express a wish that someone would come and pick me up out of the blue?

and maybe my mother had to remind him sometimes (or maybe always). i'm pretty sure he didn't always pay support on time or without a reminder. and maybe that's part of what she wanted me to know. we were constantly on her mind, she was always thinking of us and acting with our interests in mind, while my father had to be reminded to even remember we existed.

i remember him showing me the cancelled cheques, to show he paid regularly and that my mother was irrational for being upset. but i'm guessing he was missing the point.

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02/06/06

i've been eating way too much. i haven't wanted to vomit. i did last night, many hours after eating only because i felt extremely ill and wanted to speed things along. but i've been letting the food stay down other than in that instance.

i remember that i wanted to write something about the makeup and colours i observed when watching priscilla queen of the desert recently. that i wondered if maybe there was some underlying thing i have in common with drag queens, because i was sort of drawn to the idea of emphasizing my self in some similar ways.

i am still feeling deflated and out of energy or positive

not sure i really see any reason to travel at all. yet, it is set in motion and i will see what happens.

today i have been thinking that in a way i wouldn't mind travelling with a woman around my age who has similar issues. that it might be kind of fun to get up and get dressed, do makeup and go out for coffee together and maybe out dancing

shopping for various things. new outfits to wear

on a tv commercial, i was informed that 1 in 3 women over 35 experiences bladder weakness, and may fear sneezing, exercising in public, etc. laughing maybe. i guess i at least have that to be thankful for: i do not experience any bladder weakness, and it seems highly unlikely that i will any time soon. i'm guessing, though, that the women who have problems with it probably gave birth.

my bed was warm and comfortable today. after feeling sick yesterday, it was enjoyable to just lie there. it reminds me of what a pouch might be like.

i think there were more odds and ends i was trying to get rid of. i can't remember at the moment. i don't want to turn off the computer and then remember.

if i leave here permanently, i will be sad, and i will miss gk.

it's been quite some time since i created a new website. i honestly don't know if i ever will again. i don't really feel concerned about it. if it happens, it happens.

have any of my sites helped to connect me? it's almost like most of the contact i've had since i created the first one has occurred in spite of rather than because of

i still don't think my sites are 'wrong'. they just narrow things down. if i made more of an effort to be appealing in certain ways, in ways that would draw people in, i doubt i'd be narrowing the search enough.

anyway. part of the point is that i don't have what it takes to focus well on my own.

ah, now i remember something. before grade 4, it was suggested that i be part of an enrichment program. i had read all the books in the various classrooms in my vicinity, and they were sending out for more, and the enrichment lady had this cart with special books on it.

right at that stage, part of the problem was a personality thing or there was some kind of serious lack that wasn't addressed and it was probably i mean it probably just got worse over time.

i liked being singled out, i liked the idea of enrichment. but i was afraid. i was lacking either internal support or strength of character, or in my life i was lacking the kind of support and encouragement that would have helped me to develop. instead, i walked away. i continued to read on my own, but i honestly could have used some guidance.

when i had the chance to go at age 13 to france for an exchange, again, i was scared, and wasn't encouraged

i think this is representative of the weak parts of who i am, areas that were never addressed. i can understand how even a child can say no, and it can seem too difficult to get past what the child seems to want or be sure of

but i think it's possible that more of an effort could have been made to encourage me. especially when i showed talent or aptitude in certain areas. more questions asked. something. because i recognize that i wanted to try certain things, it was just that i had some serious fears.

but enough bellyaching. i had my chances. :> seriously, by now it does look very complicated, and it doesn't seem like such

when you see how many people might have been able to do this or that, with the right chance, your own story just looks like another story, not more sad than others'. and the older and more whiny people get, the less the original potential really looks like much of anything. hehe.

it's the tiredness, though, i think that throws people off. as everything ages, the things that come out and the way they come out are different in the sense that

bleh. i will stop for now.

or maybe not.

i needed to be challenged, which was evidenced by my feeling so bored i wanted to die. but i was too fearful of the interaction with people that went along with it, with enrichment or challenging myself.

others like me manage to learn, to seek out what they need, even on their own, without help. so what does that make me? a bland streak an extra a misfit toy of a child

i'm just trying to get through the days. not sure what i'm doing exactly, unless it's like trying to see if it can be like dream interpretation, if i can through going through the process see something i can't see when it's all just in my head.

my parents were both depressed in ways that probably hampered my functionality and future functionality. i think i was acting out part of what i saw. but they were already ensconced in life, they were already being propelled along by earlier efforts and choices, even if they felt they were barely holding on

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03/06/06

does gk sometimes feel resentful about having to go out and shop for me, provide things, and do i often not show good awareness of his efforts? do i take him for granted, does he feel taken for granted, or like i see him or his function as a thing to bring me things and is it ugly?

when my parents fought, was there just a gradual process, but was it a very painful cycle where there was a lot of fighting about similar issues, then a trying to work things out, and was it so chaotic and painful, what i witnessed, that the inevitable ending many years later

is there fear involved with observing any similar kind of cycle in my own relationships? am i actually unconsciously forcing myself to live something similar out? i don't remember a lot, but i remember very angry voices, and from comments i do remember here and there, and the basic level of development of their personalities at the time, i think my parents were a lot more immature and irrational. is that an erroneous impression? but even in my last contacts with my father, at that stage of his life he still seemed a kind of dangerously immature person, dangerous in that he had so much personal power and influence to back up stuff or reinforce unfairness.

but probably most of it he just couldn't control. his own chaos, and at times it was like he did try to make an effort to be thoughtful

the distress involved with watching something slip away, does it bring back unconscious memories.

i dreamed that i was someone like winona ryder, and that i was in some kind of boarding house with johnny depp. we weren't really together, although officially it seemed we were, it was a sham and there was another woman. i wasn't jealous of her, and it was almost like i was a kind of invisible person, and all parties had sort of agreed to treat me as invisible. i had agreed to treat myself as invisible and my needs as unimportant. i expected nothing from anyone.

i was wearing all black, and had on a corset. i actually looked very nice. i think i remember some black feathers, maybe in a hat.

i can't remember certain details. i opened some kind of fancy case or container, i think that contained 'laudanum'. it was in the form of little white fragile round pills. they were of different sizes and reminded me of meringue.

there were various pricking devices also in the container. some were ornate, pretty. silver. there were instructions. the laudanum could be taken orally or "you know where" or anally. "you know where" was i think meant to refer to 'vaginally'.

all three of us were lying on a bed. again, it was like i was meant to be the unimportant or invisible or ignored party. or unwanted, extra person. i felt a need to masturbate. i felt embarrassed because of my status. i wasn't aware of feeling actual feelings of attraction to anyone or regarding anything. it was just a kind of bodily need of release of some kind. i used my finger to touch my clitoris, and had an orgasm fairly quickly. as i did so, i woke up and was experiencing the sensations in real life. i noted that i was not touching myself.

that is only the second time this year, i think, that i have had one of those dreams (in which i reached climax in real life). in both instances, i dreamed of masturbating, and it was actually a very dismal and alienating experience for me.

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so, my arrangements are set in motion. i will be going on a trip. maybe this time i will stay away longer, or permanently. i have been finding that various ideas are going through my mind about how to approach it.

first, though, i need to put in as much effort as i possibly can beforehand. i have narrowed down the options. i have chosen a date. at this time, the best thing to do is to physically and pychologically prepare as much as i can. i need to exercise, work on my food habits, eliminate caffeine again, etc, but i also need to start preparing myself mentally for all of the situations and conversations that will present themselves. well, not all, but the 'form' ones, the ones important to the structure of the trip. because if too much anxiety is attached to any of the related interactions, i may find myself crippled by that anxiety and unable

this time i want to try to attempt a little more than i did last time. i don't want to go straight into bare minimum mode.

to try a few more things i need a higher level of focus.

i don't at this point want to go into bare minimum mode, and into readjusting my expectations of myself again and again, lowering

i want to stay open to the possibility of surprises, and for things that inspire me or help to propel me along or that challenge me somewhat and open up

but i realize that it all might feel uphill, and i have to be prepared for that possibility.

i don't know why my body will stand the stresses, why it doesn't just drop dead. it feels serious, it feels like something that should kill a person. what i feel.

what would it be like to be able to get up and eat something different for breakfast every day, or to have a few things to choose from, even if it's just 3 or 4 different types of cereal.

things beyond my reach.

different lunches.

all the times i tried, to just buy a few things, things i liked, even reasonably nutritious, and i could never manage it. ever. when living alone, i *never*

i don't know if most people know what that's like. it's not just a matter of eating a little bit extra and feeling full or guilty. it's about eating. and trying to resist that nagging pull to eat more. and continuing to try, but somehow not being able to stop until you are seriously sick and in pain, or until it's all gone.

all of it. and even if there's a little rest, it's not long before the nagging starts again.

how can you put your energy into anything else

and so you try to trick the system. in whatever ways you can.

i think it's something to do with needing actual life structure, things to do, places to go, but when i tried to artificially create those things, it still didn't work, the amount of 'willpower' needed was incredible, and the effort was just too much.

what the hell was wrong with me, is wrong with me.

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what about trying to go out and just eat meals or snacks here and there. and i don't know how to explain, but the feeling of panic, of having to go outside every day, and about how after eating the stress leads me to go out and buy more to binge on to help me cope with the stress of having eaten a meal in public.

if other people are involved, my life can sometimes change a little for a while, i can pace it, because the other person is creating some of the structure i lack, some of the feedback that i need to balance the deficiency. but the deficiency is so great or monstrous that it is always just a matter of time before i will become unable to hide the imbalance or artificially compensate.

some of the places i am searching make me nervous. i want to go somewhere different to places i've been, i want to go to places i've vaguely imagined existing, but the idea of people being there always

it's like i put that part of it out of my mind. in a way. because i think i always have in the back of my mind that if i can dare to go out somewhere, maybe i will be open enough to new experiences and interactions, things i don't expect, if only i can make the leap in the first place. but i think it's like there are certain types of people i'd still hope to avoid or something, and i think that's an unrealistic approach.

if i am able to go to places that scare me, i might very well run into situations or people that scare me.

but i think that's part of what i'm trying to face or force, at last.

trying to look at the ways i've hidden or been afraid, and wondering what would happen if i had to face those scary things.

maybe collapse in a self-loathing heap, or maybe somehow getting past certain ideas, or clearing things out and reaching some less broken part of myself, learning how to stay centred. face what i am, without apologizing,

i can vaguely imagine, but it's like i've always stopped right at the point where i can't even store a selection of breakfast cereals. in any area of my life.

when people have success in making their lives resemble a healthy cereal commercial, and if they move on to make it resemble an organized and clean ikea commercial and a tropical vacation commercial and a successful eye glass wearing intelligent executive commercial and look good in tight jeans or a bikini while eating a chocolate bar commercial, well, the more commercials and commercial images you 'do' successfully, does that become your barometer of how successful you are in life?

i think most people still want everyone to think it's all without effort. i think women get messages that tell them still

so that they're prone to not tell what cosmetic procedures they've had done, or to downplay them, or to downplay how hard they have to work to keep thin or fit, etc.

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on cop shows and medical shows, it looks like it's human nature to lie about just about everything. to never offer any information unless you are absolutely forced to do so. it's like it's accepted that this is a natural approach to life. at times they seem to look down on it but nevertheless, it seems it's an 'unchangeable' aspect of human nature.

am i just pathetically programmed to try to collect commercial images has it all gone a little haywire, but nevertheless is it still representative of that basic original programming

shopping collecting makes us feel good. it keeps us from acting or questioning in other areas. it makes us sleepy. the cycle

waiting in the car for gk to bring me cake and coke and other

i heard music on the system, love is all around, and i thought about love actually and the christmas is all around and how even the guy who remade the song called it shite and realized it was all about the shopping

but sitting there, waiting for the drugs, i felt

well, it wasn't unpleasant. it was more pleasant than unpleasant. and i think i was thinking shopping was good, and i was lucky

and if you're sleepy if i'm sleepy and just another faceless member of the opiated masses does it matter. why feel guilty. just go with it, enjoy it if you can while you can

man

let's do drugs every day. every day until we technically die.

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i mean what is this illusion there is something else, anyway? all of the something elses i've become aware of over the years in one way or another just look well like perhaps more complex commercials, some with greasy hair and self-righteous or self-gratifying 'altruism' in one way or

ah, but that would mean i'm a bad sport, with a bad attitude, wouldn't it

because, as we know i'm actually very likely to repeat the mantra:

isn't it better to try?

but what if the point of life is to figure out that drugs are the answer to life the universe and everything, the only true way to connect with what is higher and transcendent and truly magical in life.

yeah, i'm in a weird mood. just passing time, passing through. i can't stand it, but i know nothing's going to come and help me. you look at the time, the years that have passed and you know, no one's coming. nothing's coming.

at some point i crossed that line again, the one between knowing i'm bloated but that it can be temporary, i can stop it if i try and knowing that i've gained weight and lost fitness, and that i'm going to have to go back to the drawing board.

i was going to try this morning to start detoxing, but part way through i started to experience panic. panic about what the experience is like, the silence, the deprivation, panic about not feeling ready to face sensory deprivation again

which seems so silly, because is my 'normal' functioning really so wonderful in comparison?

at least when i'm undergoing deprivation it feels like it's leading to something, it's leading to the possibility i might feel less repulsive and that as a result i might be able to climb out from under well enough to try something different or be open

that i might be able to get far enough ahead that i can relax or enjoy for a moment.

rather than beat around the bush, i spit it out immediately. if i have to i will go in to the store myself, i'm that desperate, it's that necessary to me today.

i ate without vomiting today, though. i ate breakfast, coffee, lunch, dinner and dessert today. i went for a 40 minute walk. reasonably ok, but i am just holding on until tomorrow. i also realize that at present anything could trigger an episode tonight even, it's just that i have my supply, and if i could wait, it would probably be best. once gk is safely on his way to the airport, on my own i can have my own little party and attempt to focus. often when he is going away there are little stresses and it can be difficult to focus well. but it often works that if i have a few excesses just after he leaves, after that i am more psychologically prepared to go through detox.

i don't know if or how soon i will be able to go through caffeine withdrawal. i feel that i want to give it a try. i like the idea of drinking very nice coffee in melbourne, and i know i will enjoy it more if i've given it up for a while first, and if i'm well, half-starved at the time.

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to have a picture in your mind of your life. in a big area there is the career, in another the home and how you arrange it. and the people you invite into your home and the food and drink you serve them. you see, it all blurs into that stuff, the areas in which you show off your particular aptitudes and intelligence. what you are good at in your job, what clothes you look good in, what conversation comes up, what

sorry, it's all over the place, there's so much that i don't know how to tie it i mean i don't know how to pin enough down. i think i started off wanting to say that at times i had pinned down one or two pictures, mini-pictures only, like pictures of inviting friends to dinner, to eat something i prepared, something a bit creative, something i had put myself into, drinks with dinner, music, and conversation

and it's something i could never have. if you have that picture in your mind and bring it to life, from there you move forward, you bring other pictures to life

so many pictures in my mind of parts of life, of costumes to wear, of parts to play

and i forever stuck, unable to get past the original pictures

unable to bring my life to life

unable to gather the details, the info, the necessary knowledge regarding all of what's outside the frame, enough to have a real education, not a fake one which has been accumulated through compromises made not through any wonderful quality, but through fear and indecision and fear and inability to just pick myself up off the bottom of the barrel.

it doesn't matter if in trying to bring pictures or ideas to life things turn out to be not what they seemed. it is something to act, it is something that you try and are able to do, it is something that you are able to gather personally relevant or important knowledge. if you try and basically can't even get out of bed or choose a breakfast cereal without hitting the wall,

maybe you learn *something*, but i think it's unbalanced if *everything* you learn reinforces the feeling that you have no control over anything or that you are disabled, weak or substandard in important ways.

trying again and again to pass the kindergarten exam, and even when approaching retirement age you know you still can't.

do you hide it by deflection. show everyone your underwear. and maybe no one will notice.

or sing the cute song that used to make your parents laugh. and maybe people who have never heard it before will laugh, too.

will i give up? will this be the trip i lose all money on, walk away, break down completely.

there is that part that says so what. nothing is *really* important. what is money. what is anything. why worry about it. react randomly to life. sometimes things are important, sometimes not. go with it, man. experience what it would be like to let it go. if you are afraid, just go with the experience. you will learn that life will go on.

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04/06/06

unpleasant dreams. one in which a man like i forget his name momentary block mr. clockwork orange standing underneath my window which was open and i couldn't hide. he was playing some kind of music, i think it was unusual, a couple of instruments that were a bit less likely for most people to choose. sinister tone to the dream, i think also it was one of those things where the two people involved are coming at things from totally different points of view, and when i woke i think there was a kind of depressing feel that i would not get a chance to explain to him what he considered my hypocrisy. i was aware that i'd already had a chance to explain so much, and wasted the opportunities in a way, but the thing is that i need to talk to people one on one sometimes or often to take things further, or to find out what i might be capable of explaining. in this case, i didn't think i had been hypocritical, and i didn't even know what was upsetting him or what he felt he had the right to punish or address, and it was like in the circumstances i had no choice but to accept that he felt the way he felt and i could only wait for punishment, and deal with it as it came, or realize again that i have no control over life or death for myself. or any unpleasant outcomes in between.

in another i was fighting with my abrasive ex, and he was upset that i had upset a very sweet beautiful young female by telling her some things about him. i thought she had a right to know, there were some weird circumstances that made me think it was very important for her to know. i didn't do it vindictively . i think. anyway, she was very hurt by the news of his lies and he was extremely angry at me for hurting such a sweet person, and for blowing his cover. his responses bothered me, and somehow it ended up that our old good feelings for each other were destroyed.

[maybe this is some kind of hint from my unconscious that i have 'values' or 'morals' that i'm more aware of now, or my priorities have shifted, and that maybe it's not really about choosing sides, or maybe it is, but in the dream i think i cared more about the girl and what became of her than i did about covering up for and protecting my abrasive ex. such that it wasn't even a choice in the dream, it was just what i had to do, an extension of who i was as a person.]

irl, i guess i don't know how my abrasive ex feels now. it's very possible he could just see me as a loser. also, i can see another outcome, that in his mind it may be more pronounced than ever that i was very unattractive in a lot of ways. i can see that as the times have changed, that some of his views probably became more pronounced, and some of his tastes as well.

sometimes i wonder if he still has a certain regard, as i do, for what we shared.

we went as far as we could together, and our chemistry played itself out.

i think that on various levels, that statement is true of many of my relationships, or maybe even all.

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combinations. i wanted to try to write something down about potential food combinations and 'dangers' related to them.

when i'm alone for an extended period, the less variety i have access to, the better. the more odds and ends, the more my mind starts to put together possibilities.

if flour is here, and yeast and oil and cinnamon, for example, i might, as i become more desperate, think i could handle going out to buy sugar and butter. and make cinnamon buns, which turn out fairly well, and with butter when they're warm are nice. but i'd need a savoury food to go with, and so i'd start thinking about what might work in combination.

if tomato paste is left in the fridge, i might start thinking about making pasta. the fewer items i have to buy, the easier it is. so, if i buy a bag of pasta and some parmesan cheese, i can binge on pasta, we have dried herbs and oil and usually garlic

pasta is not usually a preferred choice, but it does make a good binge food. when my capacity is high, it makes a good filler.

i feel too mentally exhausted to try to explain further. it suddenly feels difficult.

but i'm also aware of various things. we have in the past had pizza cards which would allow me to buy pizzas for considerably less money than usual. i generally have to hide these in the locked room so that i don't start mentally preparing myself for ordering pizza. tuesday has a big red flag over it because on tuesdays you can get two pizzas delivered for the price of one.

it starts with thinking about combinations and what might work or be fulfilling at present, and my mind turns things over and over until it finds something that seems appealing and that i think i can cope with the shopping for. it's like i need to buy a large amount, of a correct distribution of types of foods, sweet and not sweet, it needs to feel 'worth' it.

and sometimes i factor in things like two for one pizzas, and it seems appealing for the money value, but sometimes i'm extravagant and it feels necessary to question the need to get a good deal and instead to choose more 'special' items whatever they cost.

it's like i have to be aware at all times of all the different ways and directions the need will go or morph or try to get control of me.

and what i have chosen, to have as little on hand as possible, to eat cereal and longlife milk, to face the deprivation, seems to work the best. in an overall sense. not that it's actually a good thing.

yesterday i locked away more condiments and odds and ends than last time. gk's trip is longer.

partly, i think i like it better or feel less weighed down when the parts of the house i inhabit are as minimalistic as possible when it comes to food. it feels less chaotic. it's less distressing.

and, it makes a kind of 'sense' considering what i wrote a bit earlier today that it may be less likely to lead to me daydreaming about possible combinations.

i have no emergency tv left that i can bear to watch. not sure about even saving most of the tapes, because they are probably not re-watchable for a couple of years. will i be alive in a couple of years.

should we just get some kind of cable tv. i hesitate to make that move. i think gk would accept, but it would have made more sense in my relationship with my ex than gk, my ex who needed to have the tv on constantly, found it soothing, maybe, got used to it in the time he lived alone or semi-alone.

i guess it would be something to try. but i had cable before, and much and mushmusic included, and specialty channels, and i'm not sure but i might have felt more overloaded in a way, more bogged down more desensitized and hopeless, and i got to where i couldn't even watch the ends of so many things. i'd just turn it off

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i do like the movie theatre experience, and gk and i never go. we went to see the lotr movies, but

in sydney, i went to the movies. partly to pass time, partly to have the experience i hadn't in a long time. none of the movies i saw there really spoke to me the way movies sometimes did in the past. but i may have partly been in a shellshocked state, needing hours of walking, needing to exhaust my body in order to relax enough for anything to get in.

wouldn't it just be better to have a life for a while.

so, i have party supplies today, i guess. i would like to have something to watch though. it actually does feel disappointing if i can't figure something out.

the need to get through all of it, work through it, so i can be free of it. it is stupid. it's horrifyingly stupid. partly hoping i resolve as much as possible, permanently, so that i never have to go through it again.

and i know realistically that it will come back, that i'll get the urge again. and so because i can't find any way to change that, i keep trying to trick the system as well as i can, or more accurately, to find ways to get more out of the process, to cut it short and to get other things done

healthcare in canada, you get used to the idea that you just show up and show your card. from that, it would be difficult for me to go to a system where you have to pay for all appointments and procedures. it seems to me that that's a kind of incentive to avoid going unless it's an emergency, especially if you're poor? or if you get used to it from birth, is it mentally approached differently?

but it seems to me that it would affect everyone differently than it's portrayed on tv, that maybe more often everyone in the family would think a certain member could go without treatment, for the benefit of the whole family, in a way, because it seems the family could be crippled by the expenses.

i've tried to avoid going to the doctor as much as possible.

but on tv, also, people can also fly out for a funeral at a moment's notice or fly out for other things, and i wonder, how many people are actually in reality ready for unexpected expenses, and how many people have the resources or saving ability, especially in a climate of credit card

ah, but i guess if you've got a credit card it pays for the emergencies, but afterward, do people find it difficult to get out from under debt. i'm a credit card deadbeat, pay things back immediately, make a transfer, before i even get the bill. or before i even pay for something.

after the party, what do i do? wait until tuesday and order pizzas?

wait for that and for gk's return?

or adjust to deprivation, try to prepare

it feels like if i am going to travel, i probably need to do it soon, or it may be a long time until i have access to the kind of energy i might still have the potential to access for quite some time

wouldn't it be better to ration it out, to eat a little each day? but it doesn't work that way, and the push pull, the waiting, the horrible unrelenting nagging, and the giving in, it is more satisfying to have it all at once, to not repress or restrain.

i now have enough left for one more round today. at present, i feel weakened, and chilled, but along with it is a slight buzz, i think. it may be partly endorphin-related.

sometimes it feels very difficult when i am full to get up and even walk to the toilet. i am just so full. it feels like being on the verge of exploding, it feels like if i burped, i would vomit.

and i don't want to vomit. things have gone on too long, it's much more difficult to even start now.

but at a certain point, when a few rushes have come up, there is a relief of physical distress and pain, and that might be related somehow to the kind of buzz-like feeling i have now.

the aim sort of becomes to achieve this again, presumably more weakened than the previous time, and then later to have my coffee, hoping somehow to tweak the buzz.

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i need a shower, and don't know whether to have one now, or to wait until after the second episode. i often like to or usually like to start a binge in a clean, fresh, made up state. i think it helps with focusing. but it's cold here, and i'm not enjoying showering in the daylight so much, and if i shower after the second episode, i can then relax and make up my iced coffee feeling fresh for the rest of the day.

do other people think this way, you know, trying to have one big binge and then start training, watch certain things to inspire and is it just a really average or normal kind of process that people let their lives go by in this kind of way.

i don't really feel negative at the moment. i know i'm always going to be dealing with certain issues and behavioural patterns. at present i have a direction, i have something to focus on. and i do like the idea of it, and so while it is not going to be very easy to focus, i at least have some idea that if i make the effort there's at least a chance i will like some of the results.

ok, i'm in pretty hideous condition at the moment, but if i've waited this long i can wait another half an hour so that i can shower in the dark.

i feel pretty rough. very weak, i notice even muscular weakness, even a kind of wobbliness when i go up and down stairs.

my heart is fluttery.

i feel a bit sick, and spacey, spaced out, very thirsty, incredibly thirsty

verge of headache, which might be related to not having my strong coffee yet today, only a couple of glasses of coke. but luckily i haven't had the shooting pains in my head that i sometimes get when vomiting when my caffeine habits are in a particularly bad phase. when i get those pains, it's very frightening, they are extremely pronounced.

chills and buzz. i washed my dishes, bundled trash, sprayed around the toilet. more cleaning will need doing, but that is what i can do for now to do what needs to be done according to the ocd thing.

inaccuracy. sometimes, even when i feel like it's difficult to get up and move around, i still try to do as many extra things as i can. sometimes wash a few dishes. but usually, i still get up and drink hot water, then take off one layer of top, put hair in ponytail, take a few items out of bathroom to make it easier to clean

it occurs to me that as i get older, i may be prone to some of the things i've heard of happening to younger bulimics and anorexics. that may require hospitalization if i'm not careful.

i feel a buzz and want to increase it. a strong coffee will probably emphasize some parts of it. the strung-out shaky feeling

sometimes, even when it's important or it makes sense that i focus and stay in control, sometimes i still sabotage it. i hope i don't this time. i hope that somehow i can just keep going. i hope that circumstances align such that it feels easier, or just that somehow i can keep going. i like the idea of the trip. i think it would be best if this time i could extend it.

it still happens, a lot of the time i can't get that phrase 'nobody loves me' out of my head. it's stupid, i have analyzed it and it still happens. while eating, vomiting, and after when i have that kind of shattered, broken feeling

ugh.

i think gk loves me. but it's like he has no real choice. i don't know if what i mean is understandable. i love him, and i appreciate him, but i think also it is like i have no choice.

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i need to be somewhere else for an extended period.

ok, maybe that's enough for now. maybe i've sorted as much as i can. so i'll try to have a shower and watch tv and feed possums and just get through the night.

i have seen a lot of older women who have an interesting personal style. the thing is, they look so natural, it looks like their appearance is an extension of their lives, of the ideas they've tried out and where it's all gone from there.

i think coffee still has an effect, but it's not enough. i do need to give it up.

typical, predictably having a lot of just let me fucking die now thoughts.

the last couple of days i wondered if gk was extremely annoyed with me or pulling away. i've gone through this sort of feeling before. at present, it may be related to his current work-related stress, including that he had to shave his beard for a job. i tried to be sensitive to all that, and supportive, but i wonder if i was just annoying.

is it going to happen soon? am i going to find something out that i didn't know?

i watched charlie's angels 2 and am now watching the cell.

charlie's angels was cute and funny, and the action scenes were impressive, etc, still, it's difficult i mean it's probably the kind of thing where even though it's fast-paced and designed especially for attention span impaired, i feel sort of trapped, hoping it will go by faster, while still appreciating various components.

definitely the women are all beautiful and talented in their own ways. i sort of liked demi moore's why-be-an-angel-when-you-can-be-god speech.

i should mention that it was what i projected onto demi moore in the charlies angels movie: that she was trying extremely hard to do *more* to go further, and in a way it was like watching a personal battle expressed through simple dialogue, accessorized with a lot of hard work, focus, and a lot of other stuff that probably no one else will ever be aware of. er, except other women.

i'm not sure how much is special effects photography, and how much is cosmetic surgery, and how much is body building, but because of her original status, she is in a kind of position in which she has the opportunity to unleash a particular kind of power if she chooses to access the resources available to her. and she decided to take full advantage of the opportunity presented to her, she took the risk, and she pulled it off. so, hats off to demi.

how many women when they are watching or observing other women are wondering about their exact age and how much they work out, etc.

the cell is one of those movies that stays with me. partly for some of the images, and themes [added later: i find the movie very intriguing. a lot of it i sort of had trouble hearing, but i think there's a lot in it that wakes something up.]

it's just difficult not to see the serial killer's work as art

if your life could have a purpose, to help someone to fulfill their artistic vision

but i always have to realize that i am not nice to look at and observe, not the right material for that sort of thing,

on tv, people struggle so hard to keep the pretty, innocent girls from being killed or raped.

what about the girls no one cares about. what about the people who have urges that won't go away.

how does anyone get to the next step, of understanding it all more fully if it stays at this stage, where it feels all warm and fuzzy to stop and punish a serial killer/rapist.

but i guess even now it's not that simple. people do admire some of them, even if they are

and when i met my ex, the only reading material he had in his place other than playboy, penthouse and heavy metal magazines was books about serial killers.

if all of these conflicting feelings are floating around, when people have some sort of contact, someone in their life is victimized, do they go into some kind of acting mode [no, not necessarily, i think when you're in the situation, you probably react viscerally and sometimes primally.]

at times, does it look like i feel nothing, so i wonder if everyone fakes emotions? but i feel a lot of conflicting things sometimes all at once, and in many cases in my life i've felt that i felt much more than the others involved, but others can't understand partly because they aren't hooked into the kind of sensory and memory systems that i can be

and when i react, it comes out differently, at a different frequency or layer of consciousness and when i see others react, it looks odd at times, or like it's covered by layers of things i have consciously stripped away.

sometimes, i don't feel what i've gathered i'm supposed to feel, or don't feel much of a hint of it, but i wonder to what extent others do or think they have to and so focus in, the way all humans have to focus in in all kinds of ways in life to ensure they fit in well enough to survive. but, i do still have memories of very natural and even uncomplicated responses on my part that i can imagine others having.

even watching artificial stories, i have the warm fuzzy feelings when a child or girl or whatever is 'saved'. but i also have the questions, the thoughts about what all of it means. the other sides of the stories.

i think i would have liked to see this movie on the big screen. [the cell].

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i am having thoughts of having food delivered tomorrow. italian dishes from a gourmet pizza place, and a gift basket with chocolate and whatnot. not sure about alcohol.

but i don't want to go through it, don't want to keep dragging it out.

options going through my mind, different options. could i make a desperation trip out somewhere. wear a watch, count the minutes i have to endure, until i make it back.

i want to go out somewhere for coffee. i want to meet someone to talk.

will it be easier if i concentrate for exactly 35 days? 5 weeks.

when will i give up caffeine? should i try to do it quickly, get it over with so that i'm more likely to try to exercise, and so that i have a better chance of eventually seriously lowering my caloric intake?

i don't have good focus. it's not a good sign for

do you believe there is a part of yourself that you don't show anyone?

what about me?

is there anything left i haven't shown anyone else?

i think very rich people have access to cosmetic surgery techniques that are probably more advanced than those available to most people.

of course it helps that they start out with raw material that can go further

although i guess some of it is related to the illusions created by gifted cinematographers

i watched michelle leslie on 60 minutes. i think most australians, most people, if they had faced a similar situation, such an unstable and untrustworthy legal system [which without meaning to is a bit of an explanation for the behaviour on cop and law shows], would have done whatever they could to escape it. the natural human inclination to lie and survive, which i mentioned earlier. and yet the ones most likely to do so probably are the ones to judge her most harshly. that's a human thing, too, to think your own situation is unique or special and that unusual survival tactics only apply to you.

first loves, first kills, many different relationships

and there really may be similarities between victims, or things not apparent to everyone that are a kind of communication that only some people can see, and these relationships in a way might be as real as those anyone has, and haven't we all had relationships in which we didn't even really know the person we were with even though it was a fairly involved relationship?

my babble is so braindead this evening as to be distressing. i know i need to explain better. still letting it spill out, but i had hoped it would stop by now.

i am not sure how tomorrow will be. or later today, i mean. i feel i can probably sleep soon, so i probably will.

i want to eat my appetite is frightening.

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05/06/06

what else could i possibly need to process through eating? how many more times will it build up to just one more time?

it is difficult also watching people like my ex and gk wondering how far it will go this time, sort of praying that i will exercise and keep to a regular eating pattern, because there will be more peace. letting them down when it makes no sense at all, when everyone involved would benefit

why the need to be a loser?

to not have anyone counting on me?

to feel more independent or alone, like if i emphasize those aspects of the experience, it recreates my most 'successful' motivation and experiences?

i'm surprised that all-bran is still so popular. it's really not a very appealing cereal to eat. it works well for making bran muffins, but on its own. bleh. however, if they add dried stuff to it and call it tropical all-bran, i don't see where the 'all' comes in.

so what's the thing with me at present, do i think that if i saw people in person that they'd take a look at me and think i was a revolting bloated bulimic? does my body or face look significantly different? if people have seen me once or twice, would they notice any real difference?

because usually when we see people, they look relatively similar from time to time, don't they? and if they've gained or lost a little weight, we may not really notice, partly because if people are wearing different clothes there are slightly different effects, and they may just look like the person we associate with who they are.

but it seems it's about more than that. that there is a kind of weakness or vulnerability attached to the behaviour that increases as an extreme episode stretches out, and maybe physical changes i'm unaware of on a conscious level, that affect energy levels or depression or ability to cope and when 'flight or fight' is activated, i'm so depleted that i can't deal with the idea of going out. a boost of self-confidence in some unexpected form might release chemicals in the body that would override some of that, but since that doesn't usually happen, i have to wait it out until my energy reserves have time to rebuild. also - if there was something i *had* to do related to survival, that might be the kind of thing that motivates other people who are in a similar position to me or who have similar behaviours. i went too far, past the point of no return, unable to keep dealing with the stress of school or work, whereas others might still have something that

when i go out, i don't even really think people are looking at me. but while i know that in life i wanted to be noticed, and found interesting, i'm not sure it's even the stress of not being noticed. there's just something that happens, it just seems like such a long time to be outside.

i used to try to go places with no real object, just to go for a walk or something. and while it worked when i was younger at times, the more i got desensitized to it, the more difficult it became to adjust to walks of short duration, compared to a walk of several hours. so now, it's difficult to get the first necessary hours in, because it is not an enjoyable experience just to be walking or looking around. it feels boring, it feels like there's no point to it,

what is the problem? part of it is that i can't get out of my head that the behaviour is something that is hurting me. i feel the need to go and buy food, but i really don't

i feel stuck and like i need help, and i feel like there's something that can't be hidden, but in a way if the world just looks the other way, there is something cold

i don't know where i'm going with any of this.

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the surroundings here are uncomfortable for me. it's more suburban or something that is not set up in a way that would make it easier for me to venture out for any reason. the public transportation here is not really convenient. no stores are really close. i can't really walk to any interesting cafes, i can't walk to the movies or check out some place some night with live music, even with restaurants, there is nothing suitable within walking distance

at the moment, i'm trying to think about it, trying to figure out why it doesn't even occur to me to try to go anywhere when i'm alone here. obviously there is no one to meet anywhere for any reason. no one will even call me on the phone. so i guess that's one practical reason, that i don't have social contacts that require maintenance. i don't have social contacts which is both symptomatic and a cause of alienation and withdrawal.

other people who don't have jobs have to go out for certain reasons when they are on their own. everybody needs food. but because of my issues, i don't *have* to go out, because i arrange a supply before gk goes away. if other people have to go out, it may be for alcohol or drugs of various kinds. maybe they smoke. maybe they go regularly to the library. maybe they buy porn. maybe they occasionally go out for a meal, or regularly get a coffee somewhere every day.

maybe they go for a walk to the park and watch the ducks or feed the birds.

maybe they have to walk a dog.

maybe they have to go for doctor's or pdoc appointments.

maybe they have to see social workers.

maybe they live outside.

the conditions and particulars here have emphasized my own particular weaknesses. it has been comfortable for me to withdraw from life, but in such ways that it may be increasingly difficult if i ever tried to be on my own again.

the little bits of contact with life, with the outside world, even if small, might exercise certain 'muscles' in a way.

i have pulled away also from online info, i don't seek much out, my mind has pulled away from life

but i guess it can't be said that i have totally shut everything out. it would be possible to be more shut off.

perhaps the experiment has gone far enough, and i'm in a state of 'readiness' by having shut out enough of the external, usual messages and pressures. such that i am prepared to experience life in a more unusual and less preconceived way.

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if i stayed in one place long enough and had regular contact with people, would some people come to like me, enjoy my presence, even like my face or expressions? but with me, is it always dualistic? is there always something that grates in addition to the rest?

this is something i'm not sure about. i think about wanting to change myself in an extreme way, not let people get used to the regularly fluctuating me.

that it would be about facing something important, taking things a step further, reaching a different level, making it easier for myself to never get caught in at least some aspects again. to go for the more extreme option, i mean. because realistically, i know i'm never going to build a longterm

the urge, the wish, to end it, for the ending to be dramatic, will never go away. a social group that accepts?

why are emotions portrayed in such clear ways? i know that some people who are set up might think in some strange way they deserve to be even if they didn't do the crime in question, or that the randomness and unfairness of life might make it make a kind of sense, and that maybe a person might even be ok with it or wouldn't have the strength, direction or resources to fight and would find it easier to accept or endure. especially if you look at the world in complex ways and wonder who is innocent, who deserves, what is fair and what ways of experiencing life are most valid or fulfilling. if the preexisting life is already a prison and a punishment, can it get worse, or could it switch something over such that it ends up feeling like a personal mission, something to concentrate on

i am aware that many men do not want to share their resources with their offspring. there are many realities in life that the official line doesn't really seem to recognize all that

but to fake the death... i can also see a man being told he had to pay a certain amount based on past earnings, and what if he had spent rashly and was not confident about being able to make more, what if there seemed no way out? aren't men often particularly sensitive to low self-esteem related to their careers, ability to earn?

there are so many possible factors, addictions, living a life in which he felt he could never fix mistakes, just wanting the kids to have a life free and clear of him

or, what if it was about greed and not wanting to share. not feeling the bond, a kind of hatred related to the woman who bore the children, and not wanting or feeling no obligation or actually wanting to hurt that person?

is it just an instinct, that some don't think about it. they have sex and don't associate much with the resulting offspring, and feel no ties, no reason to help, no regard for human life

and when you see tv shows about men who are very responsible and involved with the kids, is it something fairly rare, and even in those cases is it less consistent than we are led to believe.

but when you see how many can shut out supposedly important human considerations, when you see that rape and violence against women is still very prevalent, society looks well, weird.

all or nothing, how do you eliminate that response to life, the universe and everything?

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it's all messy enough today that what i see is that i have my coffee, i have a shower and i start thinking about what i can deal with going out to fetch. i think it's too late to order a delivery basket. maybe tomorrow. or, if i can go out today. the thing is that my capacity is large at present, and i will need a lot. which is often where baking or cooking come in, because there is so much to carry back. you see, i've already prepared for this possibility, to make it less easy for myself to combine and bake.

in order to cook or bake, i'd have to get a lot of ingredients.

i might book a longer stay, i might surf, look at the other websites again, and possibly book something depending on how i feel. it makes sense to stay away longer. the only issue is if i want to stay in one city very long, or if i'd prefer to keep open the option of going other places. i'm not sure yet what the plan is. maybe i will have a better idea later today. the first step has been taken, i have put things in motion. maybe it will even be natural when my mind sorts it out and is ready to act.

maybe it's related to all of this babble. as i babble at a certain point the idea might become clearer, and i may act. i may set more things in motion.

as i go along, it becomes more clear that i will probably try to make some arrangements. why not just get it over with? i hate it, but it's like i need to look around until a clearer idea or plan starts to form about what i want and what i seek to accomplish, and what i seek to represent through my choices. and besides, i can wait until dark. there is no need to face daylight, and also, at night it is cooler, and i can wear a coat to cover myself and don't have to worry i will be too hot. the coat would be fine in daytime if i didn't have to walk a long distance, up hills and with a considerable weight to carry on the way back.

i am not so crazy about this coat any more. at the time i bought it i walked into a mall because i needed warm clothes for an emergency - gk's mother was sick in adelaide. i had no idea what was in fashion, and mostly it was this thing where i saw this long coat and tried it on, and thought it looked a bit daring compared to everything else i had seen in the mall, but more importantly, the second i put it on, it felt comfortable, natural, and i knew i would be able to relax, that it would serve the

later, i saw similar versions of the coat and started to think ah, somehow it looks like i'm a fashion victim or that i actually follow fashion, but i always miss.

it's kind of embarrassing, i guess, when you look like you're trying too hard. for around the house here, i still like this coat. it is very practical, necessary for warmth (in winter). i can just throw it on and it's dark, it's black and is not just sweats or other suburban attire. maybe tonight i could see it

i could emphasize, i could decide to play a role to help the situation. i could paint my nails, put on darker than usual eye makeup, and wear the boots that lace up, which are very practical and comfortable for walking anyway.

i still like those boots, and like them with this coat. and i wonder if i should keep the raggamuffin look, but there is a wish for something new, i guess, new boots, a new look. true, i haven't had this look in melbourne, but there still is a wish for

something new. this coat was meant to be a temporary fix, something to help me deal with adelaide, and it worked very well, and i think it may even have helped contribute to the fact that i remember a lot of the time in adelaide fondly, in spite of the circumstances. it wasn't in a lot of ways even all that 'unnatural' for me to be with gk's family, in retrospect. it was like i could see some of the parts that made up who he was and made it possible that we were able to find each other and live together.

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but i actually did like going for coffee with gk's family, and there is a feel to parts of adelaide that i like. even with the cold, and maybe that was part of what i might seek in melbourne, so as not to go back to adelaide, rerun, but also to avoid running into gk's sister and brother-in-law maybe. it's weird to see a thought like that in writing. i feel like i'm an embarrassment, a non-person, a wastrel, an environmentally doltish person.

so i think of this coat as my adelaide coat, and maybe it should have been left at that and also then as a kind of housecoat here for cold weather.

in new york, it truly would have been better to have something new, fresh, different, and it was kind of embarrassing, although it was comfortable. the boots, the coat, for walking, i was comfortable. i felt kind of off, a bit like a fashion trainwreck or

but i couldn't do better at the time. i tried, and could only go so far. the hair.. yikes, when i talk about possible future perms, i don't ever want that type of perm again. i could never get used to the poodle perm tightness. i honestly don't think that texture suits the texture and architecture of my face, rather that it probably emphasizes the problems. heh. but softer, looser waves or curls, body, lushness.. i guess i long for those things.

afraid of the hair falling out. it took so long to get that perm out, and the only places it really looked ok was in photos, and looked better as it got looser.

the cut was wrong, and the style of perm. i was thinking of some of the ones i had when younger, which added body, and then i could add wave and style, and it would only last a few months and then seem like straight hair again. on the most 'successful' occasions, that's how it went.

my hair is in good condition, i think. it is soft and shiny, the stuff that isn't falling out. the colour even isn't too bad. but maybe too dark, it's like i can't rest, because i think that possibly the darkness probably does emphasize the longness and thinness of the facial structure, making everything look less soft, more harsh, older, drier,

yeah, i'm not sure. i don't have girlfriends to ask their opinion, but then again, do people's girlfriends always give the best advice.

anyway.

i guess if i don't buy anything new, i at least have a comfortable coat and footwear for walking around in new surroundings. and there is probably lots of shopping there. i always have meant to or wanted to find more unusual things. maybe i will have the chance at last. who knows.

the coat cost AUD $35, which was part of why

it didn't seem like such a silly idea.

it was on sale for half price. i guess they were having trouble selling them, or they weren't worth much, and they wanted to try to make them look like a bargain.

but i was drawn to it, more than to anything else i saw in the mall that day. i needed something fast. and i did actually like it

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it's just that if i wear something around the house a lot, like i am now, it starts to become defiled or tainted with the stench of my everyday patterns. i can mull over the idea that maybe i am making some kind of crossover, bridging the gap between inside and outside, coming to accept my normal state or express more even with the state of feeling trapped, but

there was further that i wanted to try to go.

so, i'll try to be open to change.

gk didn't think the accommodation reminded him of me. and i do see that in it as i am at present, i'd probably look like some kind of black smudge. but there was some part of me that was drawn to it, and so i will go and see if i can live that part out more fully, if it might be a step in rounding out my own personal vision.

i feel weighed down by all of this nonessential blather. i thought i was in the window, i thought i was ready. it looks at present like i don't have much

it looks like i will need to face it. tonight or tomorrow.

maybe i need to finalize a few more two more destinations. i am planning to go aren't i? it's just a matter of how long, making a decision.

later.

standards.

i went to the grocery store in my pajamas. i have been wearing them around the house. a black nightie and black drawstring pants. i wore my coat over top. it made it easy.

it's interesting, i was pretty comfortable, and i felt

hmm, not so stressful. i felt almost invisible, which was helpful today. i couldn't reach a bottle of coke and a guy offered to help me and i said thank you and let him or i thanked him after, i forget exactly, but that was the only sign that

well, not the only, when walking to the store, there was this cute somewhat geeky [this is meant in a complimentary, cool, flattering way] girl in a tracksuit with a big backpack and black glasses, and she had a fantastic smile. she made me feel better. i was pleased to have run into her.

i mean, she made eye contact and smiled.

i smiled back.

so all in all, things went well. also, i didn't hear the cashier properly, and had to ask her to repeat, but aside from any awkwardness, things went reasonably well with her, also. she had a personality that was one of the types that works well with me in public. i found her nice.

so, it wasn't too bad. and now i'm waiting for my takeaway delivery.

in the grocery store, i sometimes feel nervous about getting everything i want, and it depends on a lot of factors about how comfortable i am.

today i bought chocolate mud cake, caramel slices, shortbreads, lindt chocolates, sour cream, frozen chips for deep frying and coke.

yes i'm a bulimic!!!! haha.

i ordered a weird pizza, plus lasagna, garlic bread and tartufo- like desserts. (baci flavour)

the pizza is a reef and beef. normally i don't like seafood on pizza, but this one i saw a photo of a long time ago and always wanted to try it. what's with the meat if i don't recognize what's in the freezer as meat? i will have to try to explain sometime.

the more time goes on, the more it might be possible i'd even try to eat meat. in the past, i didn't think it would be a problem a few times, and yet i still eventually stirfried some chicken.

it won't be long until my order arrives. i feel nervous, but it's only a short time to wait.

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added more to my trip. need time to process. i feel nervous, but i wanted to add more to the travel binge, and i may from there continue the binge.

ok, the pizza was interesting for the first couple of slices, but after that not so good. anyway, it is now history and beside the point. but, i suppose it was good to try it out and satisfy the curiosity.

once in sydney i was issued a 'senior' ticket at a movie theatre. i only looked at it later when i found it in my purse or something. which would probably mean i'd have to look at least 61? or even if there is some discrepancy, 60 or so?

and another guy said 'one adult' almost questioningly when i said 'one' without specifying?

i think i have heard of some pensioners being 50. do i look 50 or 60? do younger people have a hard time telling than other people?

i guess i just don't know. i think my personal mobility would probably have to look good for a person of 50 or 60? and if i look that old it's got to be related to the skin not being firm, to dryness of skin, to hardness of features, to unsmooth surfaces of skin

or are there more things i'm not aware of?

i just don't know. maybe it was an accident, maybe everyone got a 'senior' ticket that day?

some people look their age, but still look good for their age.

am i stooping?

if i live to 60, am i still going to be gorging and vomiting? will it peter out a bit?

i would be afraid to see myself on video feedback.

i don't know.

tonight actually went alright.

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i didn't buy alcohol. i'm just wondering at the moment about where i fit in. in the overall scheme.

i do feel scared, which is possibly not so good for my self- esteem at the moment. i have all these doubts. why am i going to melbourne for more than 3 weeks? shouldn't i have thought about it more? i mean, it looks kind of silly when i've expressed a wish to go to europe. why spend so much time and money in melbourne. and it doesn't make a lot of sense, and so my only way of looking at is that it's an emergency measure, and perhaps it's an iceberg thing, and maybe some part of me is trying to pick something for me that will 'help' or propel me along somehow.

and it occurs to me that occasionally in my life very unusual things happen.

5 weeks (preparation) makes a kind of sense.

i was thinking today about how gk's office and workroom have still not really been sorted. they still are pretty messy. it feels mean, but i suppose i feel somewhat disappointed. if i

i guess i'd have to bring it up sometime. if i want it done.

have i made a mess of this house?

i am not sure about it, still. i think at some times of day, parts of it are nice, and comfortable for me.

and at times i feel a kind of panic, thinking i've made a lot of mistakes, and it all feels overwhelming.

and what do i want, a kind of support that says it's ok, keep trying until you get it right, i trust you.

but don't we need a different kind of basis to start from

i want this to stop, how long will it go on.

i have created another window coming up. i have what i need. i have one more day.

i do accept that this is a part of my life, that it is a problem that i can't solve, and that i also do get some enjoyment out of it, and that partly because i don't know how to solve it, it seems the best thing is to try to enjoy the parts i can.

ok, and then try

last time, it started off with me thinking i was leaving permanently, but before i even left i questioned that and it seemed i was open to that, but that it was more likely i'd come back here, work on the house and then travel.

it may be that the house is still an unfinished project that i will need to 'finish' as well as i can.

maybe i have no real choice but to try not to worry, and just do the unusual things i am able to do while i am able.

it has sometimes helped me to go shopping when i focus on the 'rough' aspects of what i'm feeling, a kind of desperation and what the hell kind of attitude. it's always complicated with me, but sometimes i am able to focus on the part that says what the fuck does it matter what anyone thinks, i want this stuff even if it's idiotic, i'm just going to go in there and get it fuck you.

when i was younger, i could sometimes even feel there was something interesting in looking like i just got out of bed or like i was hungover or something along those lines. now i'm more likely to be scared i just look older and more pathetic.

but at times i suppose it could still flare up: so i look like a bag lady, in a way that's funny haha, fuck you all.

there is nothing wrong with bag ladies, it's a horrible unfairness in life.

but i suppose at those times when i look and feel the roughest, it's the easiest to imagine myself as belonging to the fringes, as being a kind of rebel at odds with society, some underground freak

as opposed to when i try to control myself, and make myself as little ugly as possible, as little likely as possible to lose control and have further control taken from me.

maybe when i feel roughest, i can imagine that i can be classified or categorized in a way that i like better than my normal

yi

eek i'm an idiot. it just looks so idiotic to see the thoughts

in words

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it's cold tonight, but i know i will have a warm bed to sleep in. i will have to figure out what to do tomorrow, but it's another party day, and if i'm honest i will admit that there are parts of me that look forward to it.

i've got a bit of odd money left that i might need to try to figure out something to do with. i'm not sure i really want to order pizza because i had pizza tonight, but we'll see tomorrow. i am tossing up the idea of alcohol, but not sure. hopefully i can work out the details tomorrow.

i think i like drinking at night best, but occasionally through the years i have wanted to say what the hell and drink earlier, much earlier and that if gk had wanted to at the same time, it would have been good. he's more structured, though. for me, it was always still when i only drank occasionally, it was a conscious attempt to say why does it have to be at night, day and night aren't any big distinctions to me, why is everything so restrained why not question

but it does look like another area in which i have poor impulse control maybe, or trouble with delayed gratification.

wow. i'm very appealing, aren't i.

anyway. it is probably important that i make an effort tomorrow to work out as many kinks and details as i can.

when i was preparing to go to sydney, i think i had a kind of hope. i don't think it's the same this time. i am not sure it even makes sense to go at all. i feel weakened, sad. i will try, i guess, but maybe it was because it was difficult when i actually did go. and there were no real highs, although there was appreciation and i think i did get

i think i will process more of it in time.

i think i maybe had a bit of a high when i had the first coffee and chocolate. so perhaps i should put in a major effort here to give up caffeine again for a time.

it's not that coffee and chocolate aren't nice in themselves, especially nice ones. but i always seem to need something more, something as extreme as possible. just to make it feel like something.

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06/06/06

it's not just about inability to delay gratification. i do whatever 'jobs' or perform whatever 'obligations' i have as soon as possible, whereas i think what often goes with the stereotype associated with someone who can't delay gratification is an overall lack of responsibility or even laziness.

in ninth grade i thought i was copping out by doing a book report on the omen. the assignment included making a poster for the book, and i guess i had an idea for a dramatic poster. also, there just wasn't at the time a book in the house that i wanted to do a 'real' book report on. i had procrastinated, i think all my library books had been returned, but also that i hadn't really recently been reading anything that felt suitable to me.

i had read the book previously, and had already forgotten a lot of it, and i sort of bludged the report. still, i got a good mark for both components of the assignment, and my poster was the second best in the class - the best belonged to a guy who was very artistic and drew a very involved fantasy picture, very beautiful, i am always glad i found the courage to compliment him at the time.

i was aware i should be reading other things to round out my thinking, and i was not really at that time wired in properly. i procrastinated to some extent, but i made lists of the things i had to do, and i actually stayed on top of my assignments and responsibilities at school probably more thoroughly than most kids. i was often staying up very late to finish something by the deadline, but often this was because i actually had tackled it to some extent before, but was sort of stumped. blocked, couldn't cope with the assignment.

i had difficulty focusing, or making up for the lacks in my intelligence and knowledge. kind of lost, floating, trying to find other ways to approach, or make up for the lacks. i tried hard.

it was maybe lucky that i was able to vaguely at the very least sense the areas in which i was lacking, and that i had a 'good attitude', a non-giving up attitude, so that perhaps i could keep chipping away at it all.

what if i was always trying harder than i realized, like doing the sorts of jobs i still occasionally do now, where i put in a major effort that would be unrealistic and stupid to most people, and what if i did it as long as i could, and then just collapsed.

i want to note something, in the background is the movie the story of us. a while ago, michelle pfeifer was talking about crosswords, and knew a lot of answers, actually wanted to write crossword questions for a living, and she described finishing a crossword something like a sense of completion, completing a world? sorry, lost the memory, but it occurred to me that my system and approach to my eating 'hobby' might bring similar results as different activities, even positive ones do to others.

sorry, it's unclear, all of the little things i have to 'finish up', with eating, with writing, with little odd jobs and cleaning, (and with writing emails, how after i've received one, there is a kind of incredible pressure, and i can't really relax until i've sent a response) i think i'm just trying to see how it might be related to a similar instinct that has just gone off into less 'positive' channels.

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out of the corner of my ear, while typing and while chips are in the deep fryer, i also caught something else from the movie, michelle saying something like if you are discussing our life with another woman it's a relationship.

it happens so much, i guess it is representative of one of the big differences between the sexes, and it is something i try to avoid, but i see things that way, too. if there are problems in a primary relationship, and rather than confront them the man goes and talks and complains to another woman, it feels like a violation, a violation of privacy and trust, it feels like a violation of the relationship.

and when a man does so, it's often i think with the underlying reality that he is starting a new relationship, and might abandon the old one with unsolvable problems. but it is a relationship, and it is an intimacy with another person.

but realistically in life, we all need people to talk to.

but i still prefer to be open about what's going on, it seems

if a woman doesn't complain about the betrayal of the trust and intimacy of the relationship, if she just accepts he needs someone to talk to and sees it as a friendship, i think that may actually be like a signal that she will let the relationship go, which makes it easier for a transition.

it may actually be that i personally can't sustain a romantic kind of relationship with anyone.

but at present, i think gk and i still have *something* that feels like a genuine sharing and combined effort.

i don't think i ever lose sight of his good qualities.

or that i think he has honestly tried very, very hard, not only to help me, but to work things out between us.

for many many years, i would think about sex, and it would be very exciting to think about it. and when there was someone in particular, i'd project all the feelings onto that person. i think in a way it makes sense to eventually lose interest in sex, to not be able to even fake it, when all the things you imagine

when it ends up going badly or just isn't a release for all the pent up emotions and feelings and sensations

isn't it difficult to keep thinking it's possible?

and i think i'm 'right', that with the info i have access to, it's about a kind of extremeness and it's about wiring, but it probably is about a need to get out of life, and that when i have contact with people who aren't wired the same way, it all short circuits.

at the present, i want to know how the movie ends

you are at 80 who you were at 8, rita wilson says

and i think that at 8 i was saying i want to die

and i don't want to be at the halfway point. there's got to be a way

what i don't like is the reality that many people can't be honest in the situation. it's too difficult, and so you can't get the correct info to work with.

i don't like being in that kind of position. either of being the horrible scary monster who's too horrifying to face, but not just that, that i don't get the data i need to work with to make important decisions, so i don't spend more time than i should if someone needs to make a difficult decision, i have the guts to do it if i've got enough info, but also, i need certain info so that i don't expose myself in unsafe and unsupported conditions, conditions in which i'm not aware that my efforts to share and actually help the other person, might be shared with someone i don't know.

but i honestly think it would be good for gk to have someone to talk to. partly, i feel better about all the things he needs to say about me if i'm no longer dependent on him, and if i'm not living with him and the rest. is that understandable? that i can understand his need to discuss how fucked up it all is, but it will be easier for me if i'm not here. because i've talked a lot about things, and i don't think i can change who i am, so in effect, i understand our problems are because of me. and i've been saying for a long time that i think we should split up because i can't change. it's just not easy to actually do

if i have access to the necessary data

it acts as extra motivation. it won't devastate me, it will give the extra needed to act.

i didn't work things out well yet. i have too much sweet food, not enough of other. still debating about alcohol. thirsty. the chocolate coffee stuff is nice cold,

i don't honestly feel like pizza. but if i don't work something out, i will lose my window, and it will drag on. also, i have almost 25 dollars in cash. if things aren't dealt with, if i don't focus, that extra cash is a problem. it's enough to order pizza, it's enough to spend 20 on pizzas and 5 on some kind of desserts. a couple of packets of cookies, but there are really other options. also, it's enough for something like one bottle of alcohol, coke, several snacking items, sweet and not, enough for a binge if i plan carefully. also, one bottle of alcohol, one pizza i pick up in person, and still coke and chocolate things.

so, i need to work it out. i probably won't go anywhere until dark. a few more hours. i'm very thirsty. maybe i'll have an iced coffee now.

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everyone knows you're supposed to concentrate on having a good bag and good shoes, and please get a good haircut.

you wouldn't want a serial killer cannibal to look down on you, would you?

within the choices and resources available to you personally, what do you choose? and how do all of these 'choices' contribute to nonverbal communication, and to attracting situations and people, to shaping your life

can you throw a wrench in the plans, or are there equalizers, like if you bluff in one area will something else burst through the dam in another area

one-sided conversation doesn't go very far, you don't develop your potential

and the longer it goes on, the more pathetic it looks, but we are all still 8,

i just need to be free in some way i can't figure out.

how many times do you try to prepare or to say even this moment from this moment forward

but there's not so much the eureka. i've said a few things and shared a few things, and my result

i think it's better to have said something, to have unblocked at least some, and realized that the rest is probably more of the same, and probably doesn't really need

which is partly why i think that any time, i'm good to go, it's ok, and the rest is just life going on long after the thrill of living is gone.

i think this writing is probably just annoying, and probably just saps my energy because it makes me feel bad. in a way, it isn't bad to have it, in case i want to see if i can clarify patterns or anything, but i just feel so blah. i can't write it into some twisted inspirational form. i'd be pleased to drop dead now.

2nd vomiting, food mostly gone now. it was a chore to work through it. i am not interested in food at all now. thirsty, incredibly thirsty. if i could wave a magic wand, i'd want some alcohol.

my mind turns over options. i think the most 'positive' option would be to go to that video store i've never gone to and rent a whole lot of movies. i have a credit card now, i should be able to get a membership. but then they'll have to be returned. most places have drop boxes, which means i can walk very late at night to return them if i want.

but i'm so thirsty.

go to the close liquor store. i often find that one difficult. but i also find any one where what i want is behind the counter and i have to ask difficult.

at least at that one i don't have to ask.

the people who work in liquor stores must get used to seeing some people in really rough shape. some days struggling to cover it, but some days just full out desperate.

after the second round of vomiting, i have messed my makeup and feel kind of revolting. still, i am having the urge to paint my fingernails and go out somewhere

there is a bit of cake and caramel slice left. the possums will get what's left tonight. mostly they have been eating healthy possum foods. i have been thinking it is better to wait to paint my nails for a while, in case cocoa shows up.

the leftover money is a problem. i'd probably give it away at the moment if i could. but it's like knowing you are soon about to be attacked, under seige, and you know your arsenal is not equal to the task

yikes. what i mean is, the best way i've found to deal with this kind of thing is to spend

the rest.

i don't want to order pizza. i don't want more food at all. i'm just thirsty.

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tempting thoughts to just let it slide, don't think about it, etc, but if i let it go tonight, then at any time this unfinished thing could ruin my progress. the idea of 5 weeks exactly is an extra boost, it's something that helps. if i drag this on longer it becomes sadder and more tiresome, and yet if i've got the leftover money it will prick at me.

i didn't make a good enough plan yesterday. i didn't even know what i'd buy yesterday when i went out. it was a desperation dash. i was just lucky that i saw things that felt 'right' at the time.

fridays are tricky. you see, if i don't go anywhere tonight, by friday i may be able to cope with going somewhere again.

what the fuck use is getting drunk? i'm not going to push myself further, get closer to some kind of revelation or new form of expression, as far as i can tell.

i'm not going to have company, or interaction that feels like it matters.

which brings me to the whole 'nobody loves me' thing - i've probably explained before, but i think it's about feeling that i haven't mattered to anyone. that i'm forgotten, disposable, that i haven't left much of an impression on anyone, because

aw, in the middle of the self-pitying rant a little possum comes to visit.

and gets chocolate cake for her efforts.

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i feel a kind of exhaustion setting in. i'm not sure i can fight harder, even though it looks like i'm losing, sinking.

i am still trying, i think but again i might have to keep trying and failing until i get a good run again.

i can type a bit with wet nails. possum fed. i don't have much of this nail polish left. fast dry doesn't really live up to the name, but is faster than regular. it's just over time heat even from a fingertip can leave a fingerprint or something.

there is a similar colour, but it doesn't work as well with my skin tone.

times change. i hoarded this last dark one, for 'last'. for the end.

i think it will last a couple more months, in dregs.

i have a wish for perfume tonight. i may light incense.

i am still very thirsty. i need a keg of coke.

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there were setbacks, but i accomplished my mission and feel that it was as successful as possible considering the circumstances.

i first attempted to go to the liquor store and convenience that only require a half hour trip in total. both were closed when i got there just a little after 8.

i then had to walk all the way down to the other batch of shops, not knowing if there would be an open bottle shop or not. i managed to procure a bottle of father o'leary's cappuccino cream and then moved on to coles where i purchased supplies for making pasta, more coke and a 2l jug of skim milk.

so i probably ended up walking for around an hour and a half or a little less in total. my feet hurt, because i didn't get changed into my good walking boots. pajamas again today. it's possible people are looking at me with disgust - let them. so i have blisters from wearing slip-on wedge shoes with sequins.

when i got home, i prepared the pasta. it is now portioned out into 6 individual serves. my thinking is: if i am going to be hungover tomorrow, pasta is a good hangover food. if all i have to do is microwave it, it will be very convenient.

also, if i try to give up caffeine, pasta is a good choice. i've often found it very helpful.

my idea beforehand was that it was the best possible way for things to have a chance of going well tomorrow.

the cappuccino cream is on ice with milk, and while sometimes it tastes better than it does today, it is refreshing, especially since walking probably only increased my thirst.

i think the more sugar i've consumed in a day, the less good things like these types of chocolate-coffee alcohols taste.

i think it has this aftertaste thing that's kind of harsh and unpleasant. if i mixed it with iced coffee it might disguise it a bit more.

i had a litte more than 3 dollars left over, and ended up hurling it under the door of the locked room. i had thought of doing that earlier, before i went to buy alcohol, but was a bit afraid i'd try to find some kind of device for retrieving the $20. with coins scattered everywhere, i think the idea is that it wouldn't be worth the effort, if i were so desperate as to go out again, i'd have to go to the atm.

ugh, this aftertaste is brutal. i am reminded of why the first time i tried father o'leary's velvet cream i nicknamed it shaving cream.

i haven't actually had any iced coffee today, just several glasses of coke. maybe i will have to make some up to mix with this stuff.

anyway, in a way it felt good to accomplish the mission.

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oh, one other idea i had earlier was to go out and spend the money i had left on makeup or hair colour.

but i decided to be a derelict alcoholic freak.

i've only had a couple of drinks so far.

i feel chilled. probably because i was fairly warm walking around, and the first glass had a lot of ice in it.

a couple of hours. i feel full to the point of feeling sick. i might have to relieve some of the pressure. i drank all of the alcohol, plus water. i might need to vomit.

but i've always liked booths in restaurants, i try to get one whenever i can.

i think i am going to induce vomiting, i am very full. i just took my birth control pill recently, but it's not like it really matters at present how effective it is. i'm over 40 anyway. and i'm not likely to have sex any time soon. the pill probably mostly makes sure i don't have seriously painful periods.

it's just that while drunk, i think i sort of wish for something fun. the possums came not long ago. there was cocoa on the roof, second visitation of the night, and blackbeard in the tree. i gave cocoa some pear, because earlier i gave her some treats, and i gave blackbeard some apple, pear and chocolate cake. i like to spoil possums when i am drinking. it's almost like they know, because often when gk and i have drinks the possums show up and end up being spoiled.

little twinges in the heart. i don't want to have a heart attack or stroke, unless either was going to kill me.

ok, i've vomited now.

i should probably drink more water to compensate.

i have turned on my electric blanket, which must mean i probably plan to go to bed in the next half hour or so.

what about staying up all night?

there's probably not much that could make me feel like i want to.

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er, at what point did i plug in the ethernet cable? i realize at times lately i've been lax about it because it seems to me it doesn't matter one way or the other, but i don't remember plugging it in. did i finish up with the photos and then think i wanted to check my online things once again for something to do, and then forget about it?

i guess more time has passed than i realized, but when i write, more time often goes by than i realize, plus i vomited.

ok while i'm here i might as well go online, i mean check stuff once again.

i think i'm feeling more sleepy now. 8 hrs might be exactly the right amount, but i think i can easily have 10 hrs per night and that feels natural to me.

i am not sure, i have been hesitating to admit this, but i think it's possible that i might be pregnant with a new website. i've been having a few ideas, partly related to this long rambling entry. i think it's possible that this horrible unfocused thing might have the potential to be shaped into something. i may have to edit 99% but i may be able to work with some of it, elaborate and create images. it feels like

ah, who knows. we'll see, i guess. [03/08/06: it doesn't look too promising at the moment. i feel deflated, disappointed in myself.]

at times i think that maybe at some point i can write stories about people i mean i can reach i can be part of i can touch parts of life maybe eventually through writing, even if i keep getting older even if my real life is not maybe i can write about the different parts and aspects i have observed and maybe i can have some impact on the way people think and on the way they live and view their lives.

i feel tired. is there any reason to stay awake?

my bed is probably warm.

i don't think australia is the right country for me. i think that is obvious, but maybe it needed to be said. i think there are moments here, and people here as well, every once in a while i see something in someone i encounter randomly, but this may not be the country for them, either.

i think some australians truly don't like u.s. politics, but i think probably most australians just feel scared that americans have bigger dicks, tits or are better in sports.

what is it, what am i trying to say. there is maybe a part of there's a psychological

there's a kind of

idiocy in everything i write.

i feel chilled, and tired, and i'm thinking i'm not going to solve any major i'm not going to sort out more tonight than any other night.

so maybe if i sleep, i will see how tomorrow goes. maybe i will start to try to detox. 5 weeks until my trip. maybe i can focus. maybe it will be a good trip. maybe this entire year will be one of the most eventful of my life. maybe i will actually travel a lot.

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07/06/06

i was watching oprah and it left me with a lot of bad feelings. women who are living a lie...

if you don't show up as yourself, you can't create sexual or emotional intimacy. and this is one of those things that kind of hurts me. is it because it hits close to home? it's more like it feels like an inaccurate *judgment* that i don't know how to make anyone else see. to me, it just seems unfair. i am trying to explain who i am and why i think i am as i am, only i don't think it can be reciprocated by those around me. i don't see it as their faults, either. i can sort of trace the whys. in order for me to go further, i need more or a different kind of feedback to what i've had.

what if too many women now actually have inaccurate or unrealistic hopes or aspirations with regards to their lives? what if not all women can find some kind of personal purpose that feels like a kind of fulfilling personal purpose to them?

my natural self is probably always going to be excessive, and have urges to eat out of control, drink alcohol, drink coffee, etc. should i just accept that? when i start linking all of those behaviours, and if as directed i think the behaviours aren't really about who i am, but about 'masking my pain', well, how do i find the me underneath it all?

[it seems to me that part of being human is about being drawn to certain pleasures in life. the particular pleasures you are drawn to do say something about who you are. one of life's hurdles or mountains is related to how well each of us finds ways to cope with all the pressures, influences, choices, setting of limits, working out proportions that work for us. and what if it actually is some kind of genetic trait that some people can portion it all out in ways that we would currently think of as representing 'success'? perhaps what it means is that evolution would move in those directions, favour those who sorry this is awkward, need to change the wording, i know, what i mean is, that people who can prioritize and manage will be more admired, their qualities or abilities valued or sought out. or, having resources that help to compensate, in order to give the appearance of success. i know that the some people feel that if you are giving any kind of false impression you are living a lie, but i think behind that a lot of people are assuming that there is some big judgment day in the future, or some reward for 'being yourself', when it may very well be that this life is all we have, and it's about strength, survival and success within this world and takes a kind of intelligence and courage to take a 'negative' stand.]

i think the issue is that all people are not created equal, and some are just more equipped

and i can understand the message about being the best you you can be, but what if you're intelligent enough to see that all in all you're pretty low on the

and what if you just can't accept that? isn't it human nature to try to find ways to compete?

if you accept that god has a purpose for everyone, maybe you can come to accept it all peacefully, but what if you aren't starting with that basic premise?

isn't it a matter of trying to wade through all the messages and pressures, even oprah's, and trying to find something that feels personally significant, even if that involves breaking some of the rules or doing things in ways that seem like living a lie or

and anyway, what if the people who preach not to live a lie are actually living pretty big lies themselves?

it's everyone for themselves, right?

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dissatisfaction is part of what spurs humans to try for what they don't have, and sometimes to employ unusual, creative or unlawful methods of obtaining those things. and isn't it human nature as well to admire guts and certain kinds of creativity.

and life is complicated now, and as we try to go further in solving all the psychological issues, it may continue to get uglier and messier in a lot of ways, but we can't really disguise that life is a competition. and that it's up to you to take the info and resources you have access to and see what you can make of it all.

i think it's easier to sell the being content with what you have idea to people who have a religious

i think most people have some kind of religious urge, and that it manifests in different ways.

but if people buy the ideas of life after death, and judgment day, that we all have a purpose, etc, it may be easier to be content. or, having tried all that a person could reasonably try, a pragmatic person might feel it in their best interests to focus on being content with what they've got.

if one of the 'winners' in the competition wants to help others be the best they can be, that is admirable, but there is more to it.

i guess, my efforts felt invalidated by hearing certain things i heard today. but i am alone out here, and it's up to me to stay centered in myself, and to recognize my own efforts even if no one else ever will.

i shouldn't watch oprah! :> seriously, unless i want to try to discuss the things that always end up bothering me about it.

but when i have resisted 'help' in my life, or maybe when it just seemed like it wouldn't work for me, maybe it's related to all of this. to me being vaguely aware of, but perhaps not able to articulate that i don't accept the underlying premises or hypotheses, even when i can see value in certain components, that i can't see a genuine base from which i can start to build that is offered by

because i still don't feel that they are seeing enough of the picture.

and so i have to seek something else for myself.

i think in a way, i actually am doing what they suggest, but without the technical support of any institution.

and is that also partly behind why i could never stay in ash for long?

that there is still some weird thing that i can't concede?

if you come forward with a problem, or a lie you are living, it helps to circulate awareness, and so you are doing something beneficial for others

but what if you just can't do that sort of thing in the context of someone else's structure? what does that say about who you are?

if the person who provides the structure has more power and visibility, doesn't it make sense that you would theoretically help more people if you availed yourself of that structure?

and i think my issue is that in accepting the structure, only part of myself would get through, that some important aspects would sort of in a prearranged way be left out, partly because of the underlying competition that no one acknowledges.

and i've never come to a place in my life where i feel centred enough in who i am

blablabla

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what if you make an effort not to live a lie, and discuss these actual discrepancies, make them visible, and then nothing happens?

it's like you not only have to come clean, you have to have a detailed plan as to how to proceed from there. especially if any of the other persons involved don't offer anything to work with.

sometimes, i've felt that because other people approach things so differently, they don't understand my effort, and actually attribute it to something else, something that i can see is a few layers closer to the usual, and i get lumped in and feel i can't escape, i just can't explain to the person involved.

just one more thing: they were talking on oprah about collecting material things, and one thing i want to point out is that i think part of that instinct is related to the domestic instinct and creating an atmosphere and a home that make sense considering the circumstances. who you are is determined by your genes and upbringing, and while on oprah they can talk about who makes your heart happy rather than providing all the things your family thinks are worth having. well, the people we are drawn to in the first place are determined by our early influences and our genes and to not understand the part a lot of this plays in making the 'heart' happy is to be ignorant in serious ways. it could honestly be that modern life is so complex that it is very difficult for many people to make the heart happy or make it happy for long, and maybe this is actually part of the human condition anyway, no matter what the time period, but even if there are changes, i think the genes and the background and the parts they play shouldn't be underestimated or ignored when it comes to any discussion of what makes the heart happy.

and if i look to clues, like perhaps ways i've had of expressing myself, are all of those based on me trying to be something i'm not?

where do you draw the line between trying to be all you can be and trying to be something you are not?

i think there are certain realities related to the competition of life that some of these theories don't address.

and in order for me to not get all bogged down in movements that mean well but are by no means final or comprehensive enough to address perhaps situations like mine

anyway, i suppose i am doing something similar in my own way, anyway. i think i have been trying to 'show up as myself' all along, and that is partly why i don't connect intimately with others. others aren't at my particular level of showing up as themselves. not that my level is necessarily 'higher' or something to aim for, but in finding out who i am i think i had to accept that i might not be accepted or understood

i had to accept that who i am may always fluctuate in ways that can't always be pinned down, and that i may never fit, or fit for long, in any circumstance in life.

and that that may just be the kind of creature it is most me to be.

i'm not very hungover today, but i don't think i want to ever drink fol's shaving cream again. it's pretty foul.

i think the kilkenny is more acceptable.

i don't at present think i would change over to something harder like vodka. i don't think i'd start drinking wine, either.

both of those i'd associate with a more glamorous or writing image, but really i think i like the release of inhibitions or the buzz to be associated with a chocolate-coffee taste. ideally, perhaps i'd drink a more expensive version, but i think these things are highly fattening, and the best thing would be to just drink occasionally.

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if i normally wear my pajamas around the house with a coat over top in winter, and i put on makeup after a shower, then is it being me to just go out to the shops looking like that, or is what i wear when here dictated by my not showing up as who i am. i keep saying about how i'd like to express myself differently, what would i do if i had a very short time to do the best i could to present myself closer to what i'd have in mind? where would i start?

it seems like a kind of natural solution to my hair issues to just have a shower and then tie back my hair or cover the top i mean with a kerchief. it's a lot easier than any styling i did in the past.

but is there really any reason to hold on to long hair?

when i think about the idea of having sex, i don't imagine myself having sex while wearing a scarf. it doesn't matter how pretty the material or pattern is, [not that i actually think about it, but if i were, this is something i realize is there beneath the surface] who i am, i think would require some kind of 'free' hairstyle.

but at present, the scarves are like a security blanket. they represent me not knowing what to do about my hair, but also keeping it long until i decide.

how long will it stay in this limbo? even if i try something else momentarily, it seems i now come back to this. so does that mean i have found something true to who i am and that is a natural solution to me, or am i accepting something i really don't like in a kind of defeat?

it just occurs to me that if i were to meet someone new, it seems unlikely that i would be able to deal with

it's almost as long as i don't decide about the hair or do something about it, the less chance i ever have of having sex again.

when the scarf comes off, the hair is too flat, shapeless, thin, unflattering. i would never have sexual confidence with that hair.

ways of adding body always seem dubious. the last perm was an absolute horror. i didn't ever get used to it. and i'm afraid to try again in case it's another 2 plus years of trying to grow it out while i hide.

short haircuts need to be maintained, especially when your hair does not hold shape well. i can't see myself going anywhere for regular appointments, and i can't see myself consistently being able to achieve good results with cutting it myself - i don't think i am particularly skilled with cutting hair.

if i could try a perm that would add body or loose curls without poodle, and that might fade fairly quickly, in a few months, without causing damage, i guess that would be where i'd start.

and i seem to remember something i read online about modern perming techniques. while they may be behind in australia, i'm thinking there are probably at least some places that are trying newer things.

research. but, it's also that you have to know how to talk to the people, otherwise they will not know what you want.

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it has occurred to me, to buy a lot of binge food, tons of it, especially chocolate things, a very large supply of alcohol and caffeine, and to just sit there and eat, vomit, eat, vomit, and just keep gulping down alcohol or caffeine, just keep going until i pass out or whatever, then as soon as consciousness regained to go at it again, and keep going until it causes me to die.

but it seems to me that this might be more likely to cause me to be hospitalized or to cause ugly damage to my body, that would weaken me further. if i'm alone here and no one knows what i'm doing, maybe i'd have more chance, but it still seems that this sort of approach is more likely to be the sort of thing to attract 'help' and so when i have these urges i'm most likely to decide not to go through with them.

but if you are desperate enough, maybe the consequences don't matter and you just can't hold it back. so i guess i'm not at that stage. but i do wish that even tonight i could just die.

it doesn't really stop.

on oprah, i think it's like there's this underlying acceptance that everyone knows there is a *you*

some spirit that is associated with who you *really* are

and that everyone

but where does the you come from? is it some soul thing, aside from your body, some timeless idea?

is it related to your genes and experiences and the combinations that result? and if it is, doesn't it make some sense that not all people have as clearly defined a you as everyone else, especially if they can't see any examples or frames of reference to help them understand how to interpret the data?

maybe i'll eventually

stop writing.

i feel so starved for some kind of

but i feel also so tired and i just want to give up and not have to keep trying. i don't at present see any point to travelling. i don't feel in the right frame of mind, and i feel almost like maybe just collapsing and not bothering with any of it.

i do genuinely care for the possums, and i do genuinely like the pictures of the possums. many of them make me smile. i do think a lot of gk's wildlife photos are good. it makes a kind of sense to me to have these photos on the walls.

i'm not sure where i fit in. it seems that these things make sense here, and i'm not sure that i make sense here. my presence.

i'm not really sure yet what style i'd imagine for my own ultimate space. it could be that i haven't tried enough in life to know. i just don't ever see myself as being a wildlife photo kind of person.

it's not that i see my own images as something i'd want in my living space. i don't think they are inspirational or go far enough

but maybe eventually if i took things further, who knows

but they are closer than wildlife photos,

and it's like in this house, i sometimes feel i am a secret shame, locked or contained into one room.

the more i write today, the more depressed i feel and the less i see in the outside world for me. at the same time, it seems obvious that i can't stay here, so why would i sabotage it, keep making decisions or taking actions to make it more difficult to leave?

is the truth of who i am that i just want to allow myself to break down and indulge my habits and have someone bring things to me and spend my time watching tv and maybe even get cable and never bother about sex at all and just let time go by until i die?

is it that the burden of being me is too heavy, and i just can't be brave enough to face it?

or strong enough, maybe?

because what is there to look forward to

there's always going to be the fear that i just can't hold on that i will fall into the breakdown stage. the stage i'm in now

is it any wonder that death seems the only solution?

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if people's greatest fear is rejection or that they aren't enough, what if they actually do get that message? what if they can't find some way to be a support for themselves, a big enough acceptance?

even if you accept that you are what you are, you can't really be anything other than what you are, and you try to understand it, what if you can't just snap out of not wanting to be what you are?

i am starved, depleted. without 'food', i cannot get out of this place.

could i cancel the whole trip? i think i can get the money back for the second two places. i may get some of the money back or none for the apartment. ff awards can be postponed or don't really matter so much, do they?

$1400 wasted. is it wasted if you wouldn't enjoy the trip and are just forcing yourself to go.

and if i stay here, what will happen. agonizing slow

it felt essential to get out of here, didn't it?

yes, but what if now with everything i can i start to concentrate on death. just indulge the habits, not hold back. just stay here until i die. and don't worry about the imposition or how long it takes. you warned him as much as you could, you did more than most people would do. he didn't take any action he didn't participate ok, that's not true. he did what he could considering his own personal makeup. it's a bad situation.

eventually, looking ahead, i either will end up coming back, or i will be dead or something unexpected will happen and my life will take an unexpected course.

the first seems most likely, considering my history.

why fight it. why not just give up. i went to sydney, that was enough to know that i didn't really enjoy travelling. i put in as much effort as i could, but it wasn't enough. a more sustained effort would have been needed, and maybe i can't ever get there

what if i just stayed here until such a time as i actually felt good about myself and then went, rather than trying to force it?

because we come back to what we always come back to. the days pass in an agonizing way. it always feels like it can't continue. i want to die. i've got to do something or it will never change.

if you accept, does that change anything?

cancel, cancel and then what do i do with my time? try to concentrate seriously on dying? no more saving anything until later, no more trying to do one last important thing, no restraint, no healthy intervals in which i try to build myself up why not just let it all go and see what happens,

but i know what happens when i am here in this house and there is too much time. it is a nightmare and i can't count on dying to get out of it

but is it in the attitude? if i am totally focused on dying, if i don't hold on to any ideas in life, any possibilities, if it's genuine, will it somehow happen, will i die?

i can't stop. i binged on things i'd rather not have, including all the individual pasta portions and the lowfat ice creams in the freezer. 6 of each. i didn't want it to happen. there was one chocolate left, plus a small portion of caramel slice and a very small bit of cake, things set aside for possums, and i planned to eat the one chocolate as a moderate treat. but i couldn't stop.

i need help, but what help is there?

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it's not even a question of

fuck it who cares

how could anyone let me go through this

it seems to me the kindest response, if you can't do anything is to walk away totally.

it is not humane to be in the life of someone

i was watching a grey's anatomy in which a woman had a huge tumor that was almost as big as a person, and the tumor had been growing for one and a half years.

how could anyone leave something that long? it seems to me that most people do leave problems in their lives that long, only not all problems or sicknesses are as visible.

but not only did the woman not go to a hospital, it didn't look like anyone in her family tried very hard to urge her to go.

do i have to go anywhere to be myself? can't i be myself here

if i run away, won't i just end up making things more expensive in the end, without being any happier? without experiencing life in a more alive way?

why not just stop everything

it's just that when i'm here, i can't just stay in bed, i can't just watch tv or eat or whatever. i can't stand the passing of time, which is what leads to efforts to break away, because i can't stand things, and i know no one will help me and so i think i've got to get away. but where to go, what to do, and it's so hard because however brave i try to be, it just doesn't really look all that good.

how easily it can switch from the bare minimum 'positivity' that makes it look like something to try, and the more normal state that says i haven't honestly enjoyed enough. nothing looks worth it, worth anything.

it feels now like i made the wrong gamble, that i don't have enough time. because it would only be worth it to me if i had the chance to start off significantly thinner and fitter and more prepared than last time. that i figure out what to with my hair at least

and it doesn't feel like i have the time or energy. i have done a lot of damage, and the longer it goes on, the harder to undo, the harder to get further ahead.

last time, i employed unhealthy means, and i still found it so difficult to lose weight. it just

i've been through so many extremes. it seems like i just can't.

i find i've been thinking about sex a little. i start with a scene from one of the dreams, and elaborate a few other things. i feel that there is some interest, but at the same time it doesn't connect with reality. in order to meet someone new, i think i'd have to project a kind of confidence that i don't have. i think for something to happen, i probably need to kind of have the courage to be open enough for it to happen. whereas i think my approach to life is a kind of hiding one now. when i was younger, i think people were more likely to give things a shot even if i seemed shy or

i think that in spite of my shyness i probably always had a kind of energy in the way i walked, and a way of looking people directly in the eye in a non-intimidating way.

whereas when i look at people now, i'm conscious that i'm blanking out a bit, that i'm not fully present or projecting my personality, i'm withdrawing in, i'm hiding, hoping to get all interaction over with as quickly as possible, not searching people's eyes, just thinking nothing is likely to happen in my life.

i also think that i'm no longer in a phase of being willing to approach people myself, which is probably a bad sign. i think i'm at a point where i think probably no one would actually be interested in meeting someone like me. which i'm probably unconsciously going to be projecting most of the time.

but it can't be denied that a new attraction often gives us a lot of energy for trying new things or getting things done that beforehand would have been difficult.

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08/06/06

last night before bed i wasn't really tired, but there was a psychological weariness, and often when that kind of thing occurs i just decide to go to bed. every action at that time is difficult and feels slow, heavy, like i can hardly move, i feel like i'm fighting paralysis.

today i feel a very strong need for sexual and romantic interaction, but combined, not sexual on its own. i also find myself examining my options, seeing that there is no realistic way of getting this, and i find that i'm inclined to sacrifice these feelings or bury them. it's almost like it isn't that difficult, in a way.

but, i do also feel a strong urge to have more food and excessive things. to pass the time, to add to the damage, maybe. if i could, i think i'd also watch movies today.

i have found that prolonged binges sometimes eventually seem to bring on sexual feelings. when i feel the most repulsive and least likely to go out anywhere, heh, that's when they come back. it's a truly vicious cycle.

i'm thinking a lot about cancelling my trip altogether. i have a need to make it clear, to make it final, etc.

i don't see any reason to try, i don't see any reason to prolong my life or any of this cycle. it's simply very hard to break this cycle. and i need a kind of help that either doesn't exist, or that is not accessible to me personally.

i feel pissed off at gk today, for irrational reasons. it looks like he will have extra work, from people who looked like they were brushing him off but now need him to clean up the mess some other people made, or to do stuff that had been forgotten about or put to the side. actually, i think this part is good, and is a good sign that he will be able to do some work that he actually wants to do, and it's also a kind of vindication for gk. all of that is good. it is also good that he is in demand, that there is a need for his services,

but i guess in a way i feel kind of lonely and worthless in comparison.

but that's still not why i'm irrationally pissed off. i'm pissed off because he said he was going to arrange to have the guy come work on the balcony that is rotting, and i know the guy didn't ring him back and he didn't ring the balcony guy back, and it's probably slipped his mind, even after all my going on about how important it was to me to at least set things in motion, so that i don't feel like i get trapped in a slomo nightmare.

and today i was downstairs collecting my laundry, and i looked at that workroom and felt pissed off that he's had a month to sort it out, since we finished things up and he had a bit of a vacation, but he has not done anything, and i can easily see things building up there again, but i can't sort his stuff and don't want to. it is his job, and i've done enough sorting and cleaning of the augean stables thank you very much!!!

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and his office is a sty, but he should be allowed at least one bit of personal space that he doesn't have to feel pressure to do anything with. but how can he stand it???

this is what i mean by irrational. in my mind, he's done a lot to try to make the house better for me. there are signs we are getting somewhere. and not all people have a need for the level of tidiness that i do, and it seems unreasonable to expect every room in the house [also, i think it is likely that some people actually work better in clutter, that it helps their own productivity or personal organizational systems.]

and i know he wasn't expecting the extra work, and i know it's something that's good for him. but unfortunately, it's going to put off any further steps in the house here. which, when i'm here makes me feel more trapped, makes it all feel so slow and

but why should i be thinking about this anyway? shouldn't i be concentrating on my trip and leaving permanently? well, at this point i'm fucking scared i'm going to fuck it up, be unable to cope with it, cancel it all, and then get trapped in slomo nightmare mode and bitch and complain and

hate myself even more.

and if i can see it, why not do everything i can to stop it? because it feels like i constantly *am* trying to do everything i can to get out of here, and i haven't been able to in all these years, except for very brief periods, and at this point i just don't know why

except that i just break down, don't have enough steam. and if it's bad out there and bad in here, but here i have a kind of privacy i can't have out there, and here i can have things brought to me, i don't have to go out.

but i do honestly feel guilt and worry about trapping him with me. at times that anger is enough to irrationally babble internally that i've given him as much info to work with as i possibly can, if he is content to live in the tip that is our relationship, then fine, let him! if i'm bringing us both down, i'm really sorry, but i guess i have to let him figure out how to survive himself.

but the nastiness can't really last. it's like i'm internally driven or compelled to make things as good as possible between us, to try to work something out, to try again to do something with myself.

i think my original idea a couple of years ago, when i went into that flat might have been good, if he could have made a decision that it was in both our best interests and stayed away for longer periods himself. that's why co-dependency can be such a horror. in moments of weakness and loneliness, we can do things that aren't in our best interests. and so prolong the pattern, perhaps reinforce it, make it harder to break.

when he came to pick me up that day, i was actually sort of relieved, but the night before when we were fighting on the phone, i hated him, and didn't think he understood me at all. and when he left it until a reasonable time, 12pm the next day, rather than come in the middle of the night, it disappointed me to the point of infuriating me, i think, that a person could be so fucking anal about propriety in the circumstances. this is a person who is not capable of spontanaeity!@

and when it gets that evil, when your thoughts are that mean, shouldn't you be letting it go?

i felt disappointed, and sad, and i didn't feel understood at all, i felt beaten, humbled and humiliated.

but the idea of going to the house felt welcoming and safe. and as soon as i was there, i did actually feel good for a while. and then it got very very bad again.

i don't think that underneath it all i want the humbling and humiliation. i think that i have a need for someone to provide structure and support and help for me. i need for someone to make decisions. my effort to go off on my own was about a desperate attempt to take responsibility, and i really wasn't equipped to handle it. i didn't have enough of a support system. maybe if i had been in isolation for an extended period i would have found some course of action, but with all the involvement i still had with gk it was impossible to break the patterns we had established together.

even now, planning a trip, a lot of it is motivated by me trying to take responsibility while applying my creative efforts as well as i can to come up with something that appeals to me and that in the long run gk will have been pleased to be part of.

but it could be that the sydney trip was not a trial run, but that it actually used up whatever energy i had, and that i am just not strong enough.

all i want to do today is indulge in excessive behaviours.

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if i watch movies, what do i get out of it? i always thought it was the moments of inspiration and connection, that they often reach my imagination or feelings i would like to explore, and so often i think i'm actually using them as a kind of trigger to get me to act and get out there and be part of life. but what if the reality is that i'm using them as a substitute for life, because i don't realistically think i can cope with being out there?

sometimes i don't even think that's such a bad thing. some of us will never be beautiful or exceptional or interesting, but we can perhaps experience what it's like vicariously. maybe that actually is a realistic compensation in life, something fulfilling, as fulfilling as it is possible for some of us to experience.

i have a craving for perfume.

you walk into some shops and the fragrance is something you want in your own personal space, you want an atmosphere that is

a shower and makeup are not enough, i need

i should shower right away when i get up. i'm so scruffy lately. and the colder the weather, the worse i look, i think, without having showered.

i have such a strong wish for excess that it might force me to go out again today. or soon. i would prefer to have things brought to me.

nobody knows me. what does it matter if i went out every day to get things? people would get to know me, my patterns. they may make expressions of familiarity, and i might feel uncomfortable. i might be asked questions.

it's not just that. the passing of time feels slow and heavy, a physical sensation that i can feel on my body, my skin. it feels greasy and uncomfortable, it feels awkward and neurotic. to be trapped in that feeling for an hour while i walk, when the hour is not a real hour, but a long, drawn-out horror of an hour.

to know if you turn your head this way, the features are scary. to move a little that way, the features look angry. to move a little that way, or smile when talking can make me look older

when you want to be something visually pleasing, it's difficult to be the opposite, to be something scary. it's distressing

why would a person seek this kind of isolation out? does it represent a pattern from childhood?

a few times i have turned over the idea of making an appointment to see a psychologist. to figure out what i wanted to say beforehand, like, i am on my own in a strange city, have no friends or family in the country, even, and i have just left my husband of 5 years. i am here because i need to talk about this situation and because i need a kind of structured support of my decision.

i have figured out a few other angles or possible angles for approaching it. my thinking is that unless i've worked it out beforehand and take control of the situation, it could go in very scary areas. the person just might not understand how complex my situation is because there is not time to give it all at once, and it could get very scary. there could be fear or liability issues for the person. or something could happen and i could break down crying hysterically, which won't solve anything and will only make a mess.

so, my thinking is that if i were to get anything out of the situation at all, i'd have to plan beforehand, and try to give as clear an overview as i could, because i think i do have a way of helping people to understand the situation if i have enough time to explain as much as i can in my own way.

it could be an event in my week. somewhere to go, someone to talk to. i'm enough of a freak that it may serve a it may fill something of a need for human interaction in a freakish way.

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you see, i already see the problems in my approach, in starting off wrongly, inaccurately. if i say i was married for 5 years, it already doesn't give the right idea about the actual relationship.

i don't really want to be here typing. i want to indulge in food, caffeine or alcohol, or all of those.

i just watched an interesting movie: the piano teacher. sick and french, i suppose it was something more substantial for me than most of what i take in these days.

[15/09/07: On rewatching this movie, I realize I made some errors in what I wrote up here. However, I will leave my initial impression as is. It also seems to me that maybe I should try a bit harder to capture a few more layers, but I don't feel that I want to at present.]

it is not my story, my song, but it occurs at a layer or level that i identify with, it's complex enough for me to feel familiar or

unless anyone would point out that these are my final moments before i totally lose it, the final moments of

but what is insanity anyway? the proportions shift, maybe. a life of sacrifice and discipline, and the anarchy gets through the cracks (then bursts through).

one thing i remarked is how tame my own version of anarchy can be. i degrade and humiliate myself, but it's like every aspect of it is cheap and

cops eating too many donuts with coffee.

it's not that i totally understand, but the sexual parts seem familiar to me, they seem to represent the anarchy.

whatever is normally sick or disgusting becomes erotic as it is a way to express the concept of anarchy sexually.

on the anniversary of her father's death, she goes to a drive in movie and watches a couple having sex in their car, right up close to the window. as she watches, she urinates, and seems to derive pleasure from this act. maybe in some way she is symbolically defiling or pissing on her father's memory, or celebrating it in her own way.

in a booth she watches porn, and holds a discarded crumpled piece of paper to her face to smell it, presumably because the person before, some random stranger, left his semen on it.

some of the pieces of music did speak to me, something about the variations, unexpected, and the range

the movie was unexpected.

not predictable for me. although if i knew more about the music and

i might have understood more.

to attack her mother sexually, and tell her she loved her, and then triumphantly say 'i saw your pubic hair!' also goes along with the theme of anarchy.

wanting nurturing after being humiliated and beaten. a pattern reenacted?

i think in the end she might have finally divorced herself from her parents and the twisted things they taught her.

i think she took a stand, and broke free.

little rebellions leading to a crescendo?

the conflicting emotions regarding her female student. because she identified with her, but from two other angles, her mother and the man she is attracted to, she has cause to worry about her or to feel jealous that she herself will be usurped.

youth, sacrifice and potential.

the quote at the beginning about those, the middle people, when the chance has gone by still hoping or waiting

injuring her female student, or being the instrument might look like a mean, jealous act, but could also be a way to 'save' her from the others who are determining her life, to save herself, the girl she was. a pianist can't have nerves. how were hers that night? was that part of her final statement?

to stab oneself in the heart

it's not random

it's a statement.

while everyone is inside waiting for your moment.

was it a real moment? it was stolen, it belonged to someone else,

would it have led anywhere? her mother still had hope, was rambling on

what would it have led to??

getting older without fulfilling the initial promise, but what about if you're not sure if it was your dream or your parents' and isn't all of it way fucked up?

when the love seems to hinge on the child sharing the vision, bringing it to life, and the closer to realizing the vision

the more loved.

and then the fuck you all, this is my vision

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i think it would help me get through this night to have some of my drugs on hand. i am not sure i can go out this soon. also, my jawline is deformed again. i am self-conscious about it.

the fresh feeling after the shower lasts a while.

i think the makeup might be harsher at first, and then a little warmth and natural oiliness set in and it looks less harsh. but then over time the feeling of freshness fades more and more and there is more and more of a greasy uncomfortable feeling, and the makeup looks more and more tired and the only real way to fix it would be to totally reapply, but you have to be careful with that because if you do it too often, the face starts to look drier, and just doesn't want to soften up.

i don't know what to do tonight. it might be a difficult night. more difficult, i mean. but, that might spur me to do something desperate tomorrow or sometime soon to get drugs to help the time pass at least a little more easily. i am totally lost and drifting, i very well might be ruining my chances to go on a trip, but at this point i don't know how to stop it. i tried to prepare beforehand for all possibilities, but even at the best of times, i can't always

in fact, it's very rare that i can manage. and all i can do is try to set up the circumstances again, address it all again, and see if i get lucky. if it will be one of those times i am able to carry through a while longer than usual.

do i sound desperate? i am even considering asking gk to come home early, saying it's an emergency. i know it's a possibility once he gets a few more things done. there was some doubt as to how long he needed to be there. i am aware that there is a possibility he could manage to come home, even if only for a couple of days before returning for the rest of the work.

i have never asked this before. it is something you save, something you never want to have to resort to, something for a far future date that you may never

emergency tapes. i have used up my emergency tapes.

is something going on with me that i'm not consciously aware of?

does it seem like an emergency?

maybe just a junkie angle. one of the myriad.

he's never decided of his own volition to just show up.

i think the sense of what's respectful or

just goes very deep.

to be taken care of, nurtured. i think the humiliation and degradation is a high price for me to pay. because i'm not wired that way.

bread and water. cereal and milk. 2 weeks seems like a very long time. would most people go crazy alone in the house eating only cereal and milk with nowhere to go and no one to talk to

would they get used to it if it was a regular part of their lives?

or is there something that occurs in such situations that most people can't really adapt to and does it just reinforce or further deplete

i don't think i can go outside today. and i'd prefer not to just order pizza

so i may have to wait until i can face going outside.

so today may be a moderate day. one iced coffee, a bit of leftover coke, plus a couple of bowls of cereal.

not enough to compensate, not even close.

there's this feeling of wanting to push something, wanting to get something over with

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09/06/06

having a new hairstlye, if it turns out ok would probably help me to cope with travelling. however, when new hairstyles go bad, they end up making it all more stressful, and probably take away from every aspect of the experience.

it's not a good idea to do anything to my hair while it's still falling out. last time i think it took at least 3 months to stop.

i do not think it was chemical processing that caused hair loss. in both cases, i hadn't been doing much of anything to the hair for a long time, and when i dyed it, i'd often or usually leave it for half a year or so. i haven't dyed my hair much in the last year. i dyed it just before i went to sydney, i think.

it occurs to me that as i get older, i will probably want to pay more attention to touching up the roots on a more regular basis. from what i can tell, i still don't really have all that much gray for a woman my age. i suppose it doesn't matter anyway if i'm wearing head coverings.

i don't even blowdry my hair. i haven't been using styling products. it's just wash, condition and drip dry. every once in a while i try something, partly when i want to take a photo or go out somewhere but i usually only do such things very rarely.

i suppose it's another consideration regarding my trip. do i want to go if i'm stuck with the hair i've currently got? it feels unappealing. but i don't want to do something that may cause it to all fall out altogether. i certainly do not want another horror poodle perm.

maybe i will have to wait. maybe i need a rebuilding period.

or maybe i should take a risk with what hair i've got left, and just go for broke, not expecting anything to last, just push everything to its limit and try to create a wild kind of hairdo, not having any particular length in mind, just working with whatever hair does not fall out, letting what i have to work with be my inspiration. (!)

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10/06/06

so, gk will be here tomorrow morning. is it *really* necessary? after things are set in motion, they usually feel different. even at the time, because of his hesitation and indecision, it felt like a selfish or silly idea, impractical, nonsensical.

i guess most women come to see this sort of thing... probably eventually the spontanaeity will come out when he has contact with someone new, especially younger and prettier.

making a decision to be selfish. ok, the only time i can take things this far. i had to save it until it felt like an emergency.

what's the emergency? i think i'm standing at some kind of crossroads, maybe. i need to reassess where i stand with gk and where he stands with me, and if between us we can work something out that will be better for both of us.

i don't know what all that is. i think the issue is that i'm seriously floundering, and i may allow my weakness to make some kind of important decision, and i want to know if there are any other options i can open up, if i can focus differently.

i don't know. i'm just going with it.

some of my behaviours,

i may actually at times be expressing the concept of anarchy through my relationship with food.

looking it up, order without government and that sort of thing, not sure that's what i mean..

but a kind of rebellion against all known social and political systems

taken to a personal level.

it is not practical to

it doesn't make sense to eat the way i eat. and i always feel that temptation to push it further, to do something i shouldn't, or that actually in the beginning sort of horrified me to do.. when i was younger, the idea of skipping school or not going to holiday get togethers at grampa's... and then feeling compelled to force myself to miss them. a lot of guilt and despair about it, but wasn't there also something else there, a kind of defiance, or a feeling of wanting to do what i didn't think i could do to see what would happen.

pretty, loved girls don't eat the way i eat.

no one could accept that behaviour.

instead of being able to say or stand up for myself

i was so closed off from myself i had no idea what that would have meant.

i had no idea what i liked or wanted.

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just a few more examples. when my ex just needed one bagel for his lunch, and asked me to save it, and i had access to 6, i can remember feeling some kind of perverse anger or something else, like why is it so important, what would happen if i couldn't control it, what makes you think i *can* control it, why is your life going on in a normal fashion when mine is fucked up beyond belief and i just can't cope and something needs to change right now this minute, i can't fucking stand this.

and at the time i can even know from having a lot of experience with myself that nothing will really help, and it would be best to just save one bagel, and probably most of the time i do, but every once in a while, i just want to see what the consequences are.

and maybe someone will just become angry and think i'm spoiled.

i am not sure why i can save the possum gingerbread. it may be that eventually i won't be able to. another frontier to cross.

maybe the eating is about wanting every day to be christmas and every night new year's eve.

to not live like everyone else, to not save anything for later.

the all-year christmas tree and lights in the apartment.

i lived that excess out.

i shouldn't order expensive takeaway food when i can get a couple of pizzas from dominos much cheaper, and greater volume of food.

it is insane to spend a couple hundred dollars on binges in a short period.

and somehow, i want to try it, i feel compelled.

i want to know what it's like.

in the absence of a life, i try new variations of my psychosis.

with gk, i crossed more and more lines, testing new things. that's what i meant when i tried to warn him in the beginning about making me take responsibility as much as possible for the behaviour. because now he's very firmly entrenched. i found ways to push the boundaries, and i even pointed it out as it was happening

but i have trapped myself, us, in this abyss.

my efforts to 'save' him from me weren't enough.

i can feel that i am likely to link to keep linking unhealthy behaviours that will take more and more of a toll as i age. i can feel it happening, i can imagine myself buying more alcohol than before. and the way i binge on food, i can imagine myself binging on alcohol, even if i know it will just make me sick. maybe it's a good thing to try, because if it makes me seriously sick, maybe

the idea of tons of caffeine doesn't appeal to me, because i don't like the way it feels from my personal experiments with it. it is very unpleasant. and so i think i usually impose a limit on it.

but, i still could do enough excessive

i could get further and further behind, while breaking the body down further.

but i can feel it, i can feel this urge to go out and buy binge items, but also, to buy a large quantity of alcohol. maybe i can't give myself alcohol poisoning, but isn't bulimia a bad thing to combine with drinking massive amounts?

maybe through these efforts i will only start to become a more regular drinker. maybe i will eventually decide i need to once a week, and leave it at that, or maybe over the years i will push the boundaries and even gk won't think it's so bad to drink a couple times a week or more. didn't he drink a lot before i came here?

if i drink a couple times a week, won't that be similar to my father when i was 13? but didn't he also drink at work during the week? because in those days, it wasn't as big a deal to drive under the influence and it was only a bit later when

if when i'm drinking all my thoughts are kept to myself, or if i sometimes write on the computer, then i am not spreading it around. i can ramble on like an idiot and it doesn't matter

i don't even need to drink to write like an idiot. it all seems like maybe it's freed up to some extent already, and alcohol just makes me more fuzzy.

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about the hair. does it make any sense to worry about doing anything to it? i mean, presumably, a certain amount is now already predetermined to fall out. especially if it follows a pattern similar to last time. so, does it matter if it gradually falls out in 3 months, or if some chemical processing causes all that was going to fall out to fall out in one go? if it speeds the process up.

it seems not to make sense to think that the hair is particularly fragile at present and that anything i do to it might cause me to lose more of it. anyway, if that were the case, how would i actually go about making it stronger? isn't hair dead? isn't the stuff that appears determined by what you have been eating and doing to your body and whatnot over a long period of time?

if you've damaged your hair by over-processing, by using heat/hair appliances, by using harsh styling products and techniques, then perhaps treating it gently and stopping some of the things you're doing might prevent it all from getting worse, or prevent the new growth from being as weak,

at present gk will be coming home tomorrow. we aren't changing the ticket, and unless something comes up and he decides to abandon the ticket, i will see him tomorrow. what will i say?

i don't have it worked out. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm just trying to accept that this is another line i've crossed, and there's no sense worrying about it now. it *is* an inconvenience to him. he admitted it was. i guess i sometimes wish for a romantic gesture. but i'm forgetting, right? he has approached things in his own way, and done sweet things. i guess in the course of a relationship, especially one in which there is someone as excessive as me, and

i tried to come up with things in the beginning, to demonstrate

it's like when you pour your heart out and feel exposed and are met with silence

you withdraw.

it doesn't even have to be the same, you just want some kind of communication that feels at a similar level of risk. ideas at a similar level of risk. and if you get silence, no feedback, it's like door after door slams shut and you're sucked back far

i have a lot of urges to cancel my trip. if i'm this unfocused, how good could the trip be? i put so much into the sydney trip, and while i think it was good to do it, it was depressing in a lot of ways, and i am afraid that with less focus it will be even worse.

directions. the reasons not to bother talking to a psychologist. because underneath the complications and the wrong directions, and the things i have in common with most people, what i want is not to work out a reasonable relationship. what i want requires me to accept that i probably won't have anyone's support but my own.

perhaps when i think about going to a psychologist what i mean is that i would be compartmentalizing for the sake of an unusual or different experience, with the aim of getting something out of it that i would have to work to get.

as far as i can figure out, all of my squabbling about gk is well silly and a deflection. i know i want something extreme, i've known and he's known all along. getting mired in everyday issues and problems i suppose is natural, but they occur at a closer to the surface level, and i think that underneath, i really am correct in wanting something more extreme for myself, and that it is not really about wanting to fix the existing problems in a relationship. the problem is not being functional enough or brave enough or resourceful enough to leave. which is not very appealing.

but yes, even in this state, it's impossible for me to not notice that gk has a lot of extremely good qualities.

i think it takes effort and courage to work on an existing relationship. i think it takes courage as well to say that i don't want to aim at the kind of relationship that is generally considered healthy or reasonable, even if consensual unusual

but it doesn't seem very admirable if you waffle around and don't ever act, and make the person you're dependent on miserable because you can't act.

and if you ever had a 'moment' how could you enjoy it, knowing all the ugliness you've spread.

circles.

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i don't think a psychologist is going to say that i am right about needing to die, and that i would feel fulfilled if it happened in some kind of extreme and creative way, i don't think a psychologist is going to encourage me to seek the kind of relationship

although i do think there are individuals capable of thoughts and practices outside

i think that these days there are too many liability issues.

and like in my life, if i don't try to guide the talking, there are just too many directions, and it seems unlikely to me that i'm going to be lucky enough to find someone who can cut through it all quickly enough to not go in predictable directions.

i mean, my experience when talking is that people seize on a few things, which makes sense, but in my case just leads to more and more info, more and more to explain, and it really is different

so you've left your husband. what are you going to do now.

travel until i find a suitable spot to kill myself, i suppose, or spend all the money until i find out what it's like to wander around with nothing or hope that somehow i drop dead or

that's good. it's good to travel around and think about what you want to do next.

i think i'm in a place where i can't really see anything that seems like a good solution, and so it seems better maybe to jump, to just do something and see

but i am thinking of suggesting to gk, for future reference: if i can't move out or go out and it is too much for you and you know it, perhaps you could go to talk to someone and ask for help and support about what to do. or, get me some kind of flat, and move me in.. with the understanding that i now live there. you may get stuck supporting me for some time, but perhaps there is interest from some bank account that could contribute to cover it, and i could agree to a certain

not ideal, but at least i am

at least you have the possibility that your life seems more open to having a new relationship,

unless it feels like it can be expressed, not blocked, and that there is movement toward dealing with it, expressing it further, fulfilling the needs reaching some kind of

the connection fades.

is this the story of all my relationships?

what is there to learn from it?

that i must change my mind? try harder to act?

if both times i'm trying as hard as i can to leave my hair ends up falling out, doesn't it show that i've tried hard? still not hard enough?

ok, i also lived in the flat for 5 months, and my hair didn't fall out. that time, i just decided to get up and go with no preparation, no waiting. and unfortunately, i think it's all kind of vague and fuzzy as a result. it didn't feel like a real effort. the other two times i remember better, when i put in more effort there's more variation in the memory. it's not all grey flatness, there are moments of colour

but in that flat, i was not figuring anything out. it's like i still had and have so far to go

i'm not coming back

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maybe, when i think of talking to a psychologist, it's a remnant of an old wish to talk with someone who had a jungian background, but also, now, a wish for some random surprise, an attempt to create something that will stimulate me in a different area. because i'm so stuck in so many ways.

going over and over the same old things. maybe i will spot something.

i didn't spot before.

about 17 hours until gk arrives. i had been feeling pretty sure that tonight i would buy a lot of alcohol and also food, that i would drink tonight, and maybe even tomorrow morning before gk arrived. i still can, there's a liquor store that will probably be open later, but if i go to the place i would prefer, i probably have to leave now. the rain is really coming down. this actually might make it easier, because i find on rainy days people are more preoccupied with themselves and dealing with the rain, and you can get away with looking rough or having bad hair without attracting much attention to yourself.

i need some kind of help.

but in the meantime, it seems all i can do is wait for death, wait for some new unexpected info or moments to stand out from the grey flatline and continue to sit here in a diaper i can't figure out how to change. gk notices the smell, but doesn't know how to change a diaper. he was seriously neglected too, but has still managed to grow into a productive adult.

my glands are still very hard and swollen today. i think it's been 3 days since i vomited.

i am hungry. mm. yummy cereal. weet-bix. for the last 3 days.

saturday night. order pizza with a credit card? it somehow feels that without alcohol it wouldn't be 'worth' it. and if i wait until tomorrow, will it be fun to drink on sunday? every day is like sunday. so why does it matter. best to watch music videos, though.

the truth is, not all people are worth knowing, solving, are they? not worth the effort to crack the nut to find the teeny shrivelled little kernel. says the least known bronte sister.

but it seems that charlotte had problems with reality that women still have today. only too willing to write the other woman off as crazy, deranged, because she wanted to believe the man she was hot for had a noble soul, and really loved her for her fine qualities, when really he was probably super hot for the exotic island beauty in her natural surroundings, but when he brought her back she just didn't fit into the prim and proper

and of course in comparison jane was so acceptable, fixing a mistake

but just the way men and women fool themselves

even smart men and women

and when the pendulum swings back, wouldn't he be drawn to the more exotic or something less practical and right and fine

something a little more crazy

was he cured of the propensity for good? did he learn his lesson.

grateful to have someone in his broken down condition?

blahblahblah

emily seems well, a little more

wild

but being out of touch with reality just seems to help her story.

[about the charlotte thing: i think jane eyre (i have read other books of hers) is well-written, but it is uncanny the way it demonstrates to me anyway the ways that women can believe that a man values them above all others for their best qualities, when in reality i think men are drawn to the best or unusual qualities of lots of women, and it fluctuates as to what they most admire at any given moment. and, men also can say oh so in so is a total nutjob, i am not attracted to her at all, she's fat, she's this or that or not enough this, and meanwhile they can actually be attracted to the woman or actually fucking her, even if she burns down their house.]

i just wanted to eliminate that stuff. if we can all see it, why do we keep

it just seems silly. why not try to take things to a different level of understanding or consciousness or acceptance?

especially being more aware now of biological propensities and the like?

it is a sad thing to see a mind so undisciplined. with some guidance

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i'm so stuck in circles.

it is pretty desperate these are the emergency diaries

it occurs to me that i'm

probably going to force something to happen because i can't stay here

hell-thoughts

it's still coming out both ends, dregs, dry heaves

alcohol would be good tonight.

i'm hungry.

the main grocery is now closed.

there are places to get food, things i could order. i'm not sure what i'm up to. i think tonight it's like a combination is necessary. like food, non-sweet and sweet, plus alcohol.

but, if i wait until tomorrow, it's a longer run with no vomiting, it's like having a few settling days that stabilize, prevent damage. keep it

and of course, tomorrow i can ask gk to get me something, and often it ends up being more enjoyable when i don't have to shake off all the anxiety of walking of being outside and seeing people.

i hate myself. it would be perfectly good for me to die now to die today.

there's just dregs.

i've been thinking that even if i can't work out or stop my behaviours for long that i should still go on the trip, although there is a sense of defeat about it. but sometimes even when i don't prepare or am not able to prepare much something unexpected occurs. maybe i will discover a new drug.

painting the nails, putting on makeup, ritualistic behaviours

hoping they lead to something, instead it seems at least they were small efforts to contribute to the present. always, though the sense of preparing, wanting something to happen, but when nothing does, to say at least i dressed up with no place to go.

is this helping, or speeding things along to the end

how long can it feel like it just can't go on

if you have complicated hands, fingers, nail polish both looks scary and interesting. from some angles, a good accent, the hands can look expressive, graceful,

but can also look wrinkled, neurotic, awkward, depending on the angle.

i haven't seen many good angles in recent years, regarding any parts

if you have beautiful skin and features, makeup accentuates

if you don't it may improve things in some areas, but make others even scarier. and it's hard to know what light you're in when you're up close and looking at someone who's looking at you.

i will go outside for a moment, take out the trash, i mean the recycle stuff. see how it feels to walk, what the air and rain feel like, if i feel like i can walk to a store.

it actually feels kind of warm. i feel chilled in the house, but going outside it feels warm. i suppose i still could. wouldn't it be good to have alcohol tonight, to start that process

i just don't know. and so maybe i just go into the mode of waiting for gk, waiting for drugs, because whatever we talk about, i know that i will need to ask him to get me something.

how will the conversaton go? it's so weird the way things go when you're spending all this time feeling you can't stand another minute

my glands are very puffed up. i wonder if it's related to binging and vomiting, or to just overeating? because i vaguely remember something like this happening when i was very young even before i started vomiting. something related to chewing? [it may have been related to trying to vomit and being unable to relax enough.]

let me die let me die let me find a way to die

i am thinking that maybe when gk arrives we could go out for coffee first. and then start talking. maybe i could go out

i can just sort of imagine it. but while i have that urge, or that wish, it may go some totally other way.

he will be here just before 9:30 probably. i will try to get up and shower early. i'll try extra hard.

let me die please

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i'm not really interested in crabbing about anyone's lacks or psychoses or personality disorders or unfairness or whatever. i just want to remove myself and let everyone else battle things out themselves.

i don't honestly want the things i used to want. too much time has gone by, and i wanted things to happen when i was younger. even past 28 was already too late. and then the mind adjusts to the horror of continuation, and you find ways to pass the time and to try to capture echoes of old wishes, desires, but you still know that you had your shot and nothing came of it.

and if you can't for some reason just fucking die already it just gets scarier and scarier as time goes by, but you also get more complacent, maybe about how fucking scary it is.

it just boggles the mind, though, about how wishing it doesn't cause a person to drop dead. surely you must act in ways to bring it about, surely

what if the other person doesn't complain back to your face? what if you think that's a very bad sign, because it is important that a person feels able to tell you what they really think, or share complicated thoughts

when your own complaining isn't necessarily complaining, but a sharing of info that you find overwhelming and need to find a way to deal with because in your experience these kinds of feelings in yourself and in others lead to unexpected and bad crises when the necessary info isn't shared.

trying to understand. to say the things that people think but don't say. maybe it's the wrong approach, but trying it because any other approach seems wrong

knowing that some people will never get past the barriers of what they should or shouldn't do that they would be breaking their own personal code of what a good person is, and you have to respect that some people can have structure, something like that to guide them in life, but that you have to strip away everything maybe until there's nothing left but annihilation.

needing to see where it leads. but always afraid when it's too unbalanced, when you can see someone biting their tongue for what seem like the wrong reasons.

because it's not about

fuck it, some people will never understand. they have to bring it down to their own simplistic terms, nevermind all the evidence that i do approach everything in unexpected ways when you actually take the time to communicate in-depth with me.

ick again.

just wanting someone to see, to acknowledge, to understand my efforts

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11/06/06

gk arrived this morning, and as usual in the beginning there is that initial awkwardness as we adjust to each other again. it could be that very solitary people withdraw into themselves in some weird way when on their own, but when

i mean, that when gk and i see each other again, maybe something like this is responsible for the need for readjustment.

i feel a lot less stressed out. maybe it was that it felt good that he went to all the trouble to come back early for my problems. he was definitely willing to sit and listen and talk, and i do admit that as i was talking, it was like something shifted, so that everything had a different focus than when i was on my own, and i became confused about

everything. and everything came out weirdly. things i will probably eventually get around to saying to him, or elaborate on, but it's strange how different everything seems when i see how sweet and reasonable and caring he is. i wonder what i'm doing, i think that maybe he and i are well-suited, even if there are strange issues and problems.

partly, it may be related to the good feelings associated with the knowledge that i will soon have drugs again, but i don't think that's all there is to it.

he does listen to me in a caring way. he is cute.

i went out for coffee with gk. we were going to go for coffee and cake, but wanted to try something different when the cafe we go to most often wasn't open, and ended up going to a donut store. which was something different to try, but i think that's something i probably need to work on. i think in the moment i was probably overwhelmed i mean, not centred in myself enough to remember that when i was wanting to go out for coffee all these times that i was probably hoping for something a little more cafeish.

but, the eclairs were very fresh, and while i didn't like the coffee so much and probably wouldn't have their coffee again, it was nicely presented, and was strong, and i think it actually gave me a bit of a buzz, as i felt noticeably hyper afterwards.

i think i suggested it because we'd been to the other open cafe before several times, and it is within my natural curiosity, i think actually in particular i have been curious about the eclairs specifically in passing, and in a universe where i tried new things every day, i would at some point choose to try this place, and so it wasn't difficult to do a scan and search and find what's compatible with guilt and self-consciousness level and still find something i probably would eventually try anyway.

but yes, atmosphere is important, is something i need to work on. it's difficult to sort through it all the trendy and the not too atmospherically-oriented, and find something that feels right to me.

we were both wearing winter coats and may have drawn looks because not so many other people were so rugged up. however, it was one of those days when i think just being out in public was not difficult for me. i think i found it somewhat enjoyable. one thing that was missing for me, was that sometimes in the past part of the experience related to being outside related to feeling good about my appearance, what i notice is that this year, while there are times i feel better about my appearance than others, and at times have felt somewhat slim, (definitely not now) i haven't really ever felt attractive. i feel kind of neuter or invisible. which helps in one way, but makes me feel more cut off and less alive. i realize that as i get older that i will be relevant to less and less of the population, that the feeling of being neuter will probably grow, however, i suppose it is still possible to eventually create something more interesting with my appearance such that even i feel i have a bit more flair or

something.

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we had a nice lunch, a variety of things to nibble on, cheeses and crackers, nuts, chocolates, olives and pickles and whatnot, profiteroles. i ate slowly, and it was actually kind of fun, and i do not actually have the urge to purge. or to eat more. i stopped before i was even all that full.

i don't really know what i will do next, or if things will be very bad again as soon as gk leaves or even before. maybe this time together will help me to recharge and refocus, or maybe i'll just go downhill again after having a fun day, and i'll be further on the road to alcoholism.

at the moment, there doesn't seem to be any reason to worry or dwell on things, it seems better to try to enjoy this day as much as i can.

gk is napping. this is a normal occurrence after a plane trip. well, i guess it gives me a bit of a chance to unwind or it helps to create an artificial limit. if i give the food a couple of hours to digest, then go for a walk with him when he wakes up, then we can have drinks when we return, and it's like rather than getting sick all at once it's more spread out, and may be better.

i'll admit that earlier, i was thinking why not just drink in the afternoon, through the night, see what happens, see where it goes. but i even changed my mind about binge foods and as far as i can see so far the day has actually not been so bad. it's been more enjoyable than if i had pounced on a whole lot of usual binge foods and vomited afterward and then sat in my room drinking alone.

so i'll go with things for now, and try not to worry about what's coming next yet. maybe something will sort itself out.

at present i don't feel as strict with myself, i feel like maybe i can go to melbourne even if i can't be way thinner and fitter than when i went to sydney. i still think i always have the best chance if i prepare as much as possible in as many possible ways as i can.

ok, so today i am just going with the flow, man.

my glands are still hard and swollen. i felt sensitivity a few times today when eating, or at the beginning bites.

it's now been a couple of hours since gk went to sleep, and around now i'm starting to find the time drag. i often actually do go and wake him up at about this point, but i was just feeding cocoa, and went in to let him know she was there, but he wasn't ready to get up yet, so i may need to leave him a while longer.

i am not sure, but i think it's possible that the coffee i had today was sufficiently strong that i can feel its effects even now, or if i am in a somewhat better than usual mood, the feelings might be enhanced by the coffee.

it is now 16 C. it is almost 1am. i am a bit cold. it may take a minute to get used to typing. my fingers are stiff.

i am drunken. i have had at least 13 standard drinks. i feel like i will be awake for some time. i'm not sure what to do. wow, typing is difficult.

i am seriously inhabiting another level of consciousness.

i am trying to focus, making an effort.

but i am interested to see what i might say in this state.

bailey's tastes nice. to get drunk only, i suppose kilkenny or erin cream is not so bad, wine aftertaste regardless.

i weigh 51.8 kg. yes, an increase. but still, overall, considering averages and considering how much exercise i've put in

this morning. i may weigh more now, although today i have been excessive but not

i think the bailey's is probably extravagant in calories.

i still feel myself, i don't feel too snowed under by alcohol.

i could watch things i've taped tonight, like svu or the dead pool. i still have music videos to watch. i'm not sure what i prefer. i can see as i'm typing that i'm lucky to have this level of coherence because not many women (and i'm not flattering myself) could manage to type in this condition.

my glands are only slightly swollen.

should i turn on the electric blanket? am i going to bed within an hour or half an hour? it's one am and i normally go to bed around now or just a little past 12 am. there have of course been lots of times when i've gone to bed much later, but at present i'm in a different phase.

ok, i'll turn the blanket on just in case.

i don't really want to go online. there's nothing really to check, nothing's really happening.

i feel cold. sleep might be good. is there anything other than sleep to look forward to?

i suppose it feels nice in a way to feel so impaired, drunken. people shouldn't really hide that from sprogs, although i suppose it does get through somehow. i feel very drunken. but i am sitting here, able to type. tell me, considering my weight, how much i've had to drink and other factors, how do i come across?

out of scientific curiosity.

can most women of my age and height and weight communicate at a similar level?

i'm curious.

oh, has the dead pool finished taping? if so, perhaps i can sit and watch tv for a while.

will someone reach out to me, give me the info i crave?

i can't count on that. so i take life as it comes, and sometimes i guess it's weird.

and sometimes to others i'm weird.

ok, at this point i've had at least 13-14 standard drinks. i drank them in the first 3 hours probably. wait, that's wrong, because i probably asked for more later.

but in a 4 to 4 1/2 hr period i've had all my drinks. should i have more? do i need more.

my state of consciousness

i can't be other than what i am

would anyone want to talk to me? my electric blanket is turned on, so i may go to sleep soon, or within an hour.

i can see i'm impaired. but is there still a core stability, i wonder if it's interesting. in a scientific sense.

i'm not really so tired, but i do feel that i am messed up or that my consciousness has been altered to a weird extent.

would anyone want to be my friend?

just writing that, i feel

like i might need to go to bed, although i feel it is too early.

i have only had a little water. maybe it is too early. i can feel that i can hardly focus, i concede that all my faculties may be impaired.

and i know no one cares about a lonely woman of a certain age unless i play the game and

make contacts, reach out.

people will like me if i concede what is necessary. i have a non- threatening appearance

wow, 1:30 am, that says a lot. i do feel tired. i do feel like i'd like to crawl into bed. i'm not going to be invited to a party tonight, or soon.

i probably should go to bed, but i want to push things as far as i can still. still,

what can i show anyone that they want to see? i probably need to explore some less travelled paths in order to be able to report satisfactorily. or to just try someting i

haven't seen before.

maybe at present it's ok to rest, to take time to assimilate or integrate my experiences.

what do i feel right now, and what do i want?

i just want life to surprise me in a way i like. otherwise, there's just a (i think) realistic observation that life

i may just go to bed. i want there to be a reason to stay up, to try to articulate more, but it's not going to come tonight. so i'll go to bed and rest, and hope there's still some kind of chance for me to express more of who i am. i feel cold here but maybe there

maybe circumstances will align in my favour somehow and i will be able to express more.

i'm very cold. and tired. ok, maybe this as far as i can go tonight.

but why, why am i here, and why do i still try? i still have a wish to connect. i still hope i can create something dramatic and warm and transcendent with my life.

thank you and good night.

i want there to be more than this. i hope for something i don't know what. i'm cold. i want interaction with humans that makes me feel more. i think i probably should go for now, but that writing these words is like sending out a message, as long as i don't deny the need.

does anyone hear me?

can i do anything for anyone?

what's next, i don't really know.

i do feel tired tonight, and i have a lot of trouble focusing. maybe it's not obvious. i wonder why i'm here, why i'm not just sleeping. and i wonder if even now it's not important if somehow it's important to try to express what i'm feeling, going through. and it seems not, but,

though i can hardly see, focus, or keep my eyes open, i want to say watch out for me,

and good-bye.

i need to sleep.

take care.

i honestly don't know what is coming next.

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12/06/06

haha, i can see why i dreamed that my father had called me on the phone and was babbling drunkenly, incoherently.

not sure why, a few thoughts i had: when my stepmother was 40, she and my father moved in together. i remember that a few nights i sat up with them while they drank on weeknights even though they both had to work the next day. my father was comical, good-natured, and sort of entertained both of us. she didn't drink as much as him, but alcohol affected her differently, she was more quiet or withdrawn although it was evident she was in a good mood.

it just occurred to me that my father and i both have different faces according to the type of drunken situation. or different facets that come to the surface.

[while i was typing drunk last night, i remember that i wasn't controlling my facial features, and that i could feel them distorting in some of the ways my father's probably did. i think at the time it was too much effort, or i couldn't manage it and type. i remember feeling extremely drunk. i don't remember typing everything i typed. but i think i had a basically ok time.]

i have also been thinking about parents, even my parents especially, doing the best they could, but that not knowing how to handle my situation was representative of a weak point that runs in the family, not knowing how or not being able to

it's like i was the thing people hope never happens, because they won't know how to deal with it.

but i can

i wanted to write about getting to the age i am now and you're in a position where people expect you to know how to

things i was talking about before, about how if you try to start with the simple things, like getting dressed and out the door, you progress from there, and keep trying and

but if you're stuck at the starting line, and can't get the experiences you need to feed you, to grow, you don't as you age become someone who can guide others or lead, or

it's probably natural for most people as they age to feel sadness for the loss of youth, and to go through the process of facing some unpleasant realities about life and human nature, but perhaps if you have a lot of experiences to draw on, a bank of experiences, of the things you've tried, of life lived, if

if it is a life full of even average experiences, it might eventually be natural to keep moving along with life, and to not feel that

i know a lot of people feel they missed their chance, feel regret, wish they could have done things differently

i guess i feel that in some ways

i lived life feeling trapped, but i think there were other compensations. and i can see that even trapped, i still had a lot of 'average' experiences out in the real world.

ugh, none of this is coming out well tonight. i wanted to try to elaborate but i'm feeling a bit weakened

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not a horrible hangover. made it through the rougher bits. don't feel 100% but not really suffering. when i used to drink and dance, it was very rare for me to have hangovers. i'd drink fast to get started, and then after that maybe a couple more shots to keep it going, but mostly the dancing took over.

but it is also sort of like physical exertion might help to wear off the effects or something.

maybe only if you have enough muscular control and fitness or luck to direct all the energy outward without puking, bumping into things or whacking people in the head or causing other problems for yourself and others.

for now, i seem to keep using this writing as a way to purge the crap. it helps to pass a bit of time, it's also a way i think of trying to accept that i am what i am, and to allow myself to look at that, whatever the consequences. i'm taking my space, using my space.

have i written before about people like cher and dolly parton being pioneers of sorts? i'll make a note of it here, maybe add to it later. in a lot of directions.

things aren't too bad today, i guess.

it's now 10 pm. at approximately 8 pm not long after gk and i went for a walk i noticed that i was having a very strong urge to binge. the urge is staying with me. i don't want to have to vomit, but i think the amount i would end up eating would cause me to need to vomit. also, while i have eaten moderately today, i at times have somewhat recurring pronounced feelings of hangover. not quite what i mean, but at present i do feel a bit off, and if i eat too much, it will probably not help things.

i'm craving things like pizza, fries, maybe cheeseburger. something chocolate. if i eat food in the house, odds and ends, it will probably make me feel uneasy, unsatisfied, unfocused. but i may not be able to help it soon.

i have enough tv to watch until bed. also, i noticed a moment ago that i was feeling extremely exhausted and that i could lie down if not sleep. but there's a restlessness, some kind of very urgent need vague or unfocused, that i don't know how to identify, and the only way i can interpret it is through the feeling of hunger, starvation, longing for excess

later. i managed to get by with one portion of reheated premade (by me, last night to prepare me for the possibility of a hangover) pasta and two chocolates. with the idea that i will take tomorrow as it comes. i will probably go to bed within an hour. just watching tv to pass the time. the feeling of urgency is somewhat reduced or put off for now.

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14/06/06

the guy i met who was a writer, who already knew at a young age that that was what he wanted to be

who i met when i concentrated and left home

showed me a book of robert mapplethorpe photos a couple of years later. we looked at them together. at the time, and even before that, i had known that i wanted to see more of these parts of life, that i wanted

i already knew that life wasn't as smooth and normal as

that a lot of what people said or did or taught was hypocritical.

i at that time honestly wanted to learn in as many directions as i could, i wanted somehow to be in places, to meet people who would help the world to expand for me.

it's similar, when gk and i made that virgin sacrifice, the images, i only thought it was a start, but that i should try to move further [i know, not in same category but on a personal level, one personal example of an effort to move in a different direction.]

in so many areas in life, you start

i stopped. and it now seems silly to even try to explain how chopped off, cut off from what i wanted to try my patterns made me.

am i culture-starved?

how are people so sure of what's right, what their rights are, and what they want to fight for?

i think i learned that my needs weren't important, and that if someone insulted or injured me, it might have been my fault, or the other person didn't mean it, or that that person's needs were more important, and in order to be a 'non-ugly' person, it was better maybe to try to understand everyone's perspective, to have compassion, to forgive, etc.

i am still so far away from being in any position where fighting for any rights is clear to me or even fighting for change. there's not enough background, education, basis in part to have a foothold, to have connections, to be able to connect with life

i don't think it's just about hearing about problems in the world and saying ok, i'm going to help make it a better place, or try. because i really thought that was my approach to life, but it's like i don't have enough of a basis to start from i am not stable within myself enough to even start. i don't even think it's an excuse. i get up, try to apply, and end up spinning around and around, unable to move.

and still, even on very small levels, i notice that there are people, kids and grownups that perform actions, like throwing fast food wrappers and containers on the ground. on the street, at the side of the road, in front of the house. and i wonder, what kid going to school, what grownup living in our world can be so lazy, so fucking self-absorbed that they can't put their garbage in a bin? is it anarchy, or is it something more like apathy and other

realities related to what the human animal is. realities that relate not to just trash thrown on the road, but to all aspects of human life and relating, kinds of approaches that really are out there, that so many people try to pretend

or ignore or think can be fixed with education.

didn't we all learn about pollution and littering in school?

just like i know that my way of life is sad, that my eating habits are unhealthy, that in a lot of ways my life looks like a wasted life, i can easily imagine that many other people live lives that don't seem to make sense, or that just aren't appealing. and they may have as much conscious awareness as me, or not, they may have made efforts to change or not but it's all part of the fabric of human existence and a lot of it is not pleasant and probably can't be fixed with education or just education

ah, but as i write that i see that there are people who can spot things like this, and come up with solutions. and become focused, that it's something that happens.

and i even have a hint of it in myself, that sometimes just on my own personal level i know what i need to do, and wouldn't have a problem standing up for

i've wanted it to go further in life for me to get out of myself, but i also do see that i probably have my part to play, and unless i can see something more clearly, i don't have the basis to move, to act, etc. it's interesting, i can almost trace the kind of development and project that maybe in time i would become someone more able to see and

but maybe it would take other lifetimes, or

just that i'm moving very slowly in certain directions, but i can vaguely see how some develop in those ways, the ways that help to influence and guide people

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i was bombarded with dreams about a new website. it seemed i had more and more ideas. it seemed to me that maybe i was about to start working on something.

what format do i want.

i look at blogs, basic blogging, and want to know what options are available

but as i look, i start to feel

that maybe i need to start from scratch because otherwise i feel too plugged in to the borg mothership. but that's just silly, because i'm no less a borg or bot than anyone else.

but what if all structure represents ideas, what if the architecture and execution of some ideas requires a more primitive or makeshift or tweaked or just different type of structure to best represent the idea? like... languages can be translated, but often people might think that a certain poem or something really suits its native language or original language better, that something is lost in translation when you put it in english or any other language but the original. ok, i think this is a bit muddled, but will leave it.

the thing is, i'm not really sure i do have anything else to say. i'm sure the world will go on just fine without me if i remain silent for the rest of my life. i'm not sure i ever will be able to focus in such ways that i can write thoughts that reach people, or help them to see more layers. i'm not even sure that everything i think isn't out of whack in one way or another because of my blind spots. as long as i am not able to write my thoughts clearly, well, maybe it's because my thoughts aren't clear enough to write. aren't thought out well enough.

i honestly very often feel that i don't even really *want* to try. at times i realize i probably will, that it will be an inevitable part of passing time if i don't die, but i really don't know that i actually want to. i think there's a difference between having a wish to be understood, perhaps even vindicated in some ways, and the realization that i am not up to the struggle or can't see it clearly enough and don't even know what there is to say

i mean, i'd probably just accept death at any time. bargain, payoff, blackmail. walk away. well, yeah, maybe, since i don't really see what it is i am saying.

but humans worth admiring don't ever back down, they know what's right, they fight for what's right, etc. so i guess that's the difference, and i guess i'm supposed to be further humbled by my lack of specialness.

i feel like just walking away this time. denying the ideas or urges,

but it does suck, because often when i approach anything that way, it often does keep coming back. and i hate it, and just want to get it all over with.

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but really, what do i have to say? i've got a huge website full of stuff that just doesn't seem relevant to life because i'm too sick, or disintegrating, that i don't have enough life in me to be relevant to anyone alive

what a relief i would find it to get some kind of message that i can't have the apartment in melbourne, that there's been a mistake, we're terribly sorry, etc. it would just feel like a relief. not to go.

and maybe i could just stay here, say this was as far as i could go, and just keep going with my behaviours until they kill me.

people die all the time, every day. could i somehow die soon, in the next week? the idea of it just seems such a relief,

of course, if i could know beforehand, i'd want to indulge all my habits every day until i died. why not?

but is there a way to let go of the struggle, to just say ok now.

i wasn't this ambivalent about going to sydney. i had a kind of hope, was focused. i don't even know how ambivalent i am. i feel right now like i'd like to be protected, warm,

i don't belong out there, anywhere.

a little past 11pm: i have gone more than 24 hrs without caffeine, and the last bit i had was in coke, not coffee. ok, i'm complicating unnecessarily. i'm trying to detox. i had cut back already, wasn't as excessive as i had been.

today hasn't been extremely difficult, or even difficult at all. it could be because it's not one of the times when i'm having two or 3 very strong coffees per day.

i feel chilled and irritable. tinge of a headache at present, but this is the first sign of a headache i think. there was nothing on tv today, which made things more difficult.

i am still not sure what to do about my trip. at present i have no interest whatsoever in going. i have no interest in anything.

another consideration, a wedding party invitation for a date that occurs during my trip. it's difficult with gk being away to figure out what to do or how to handle this.

ok, off the top of my head, taking a stand: i think that if gk truly considers this person a friend he'd like to keep as a friend, i think it's worth it to make the effort to attend the party. i think it would be an action that his friend would understand as supportive. i also think his friend is a forgiving person, and would still be glad if gk acknowledged his important occasion, and

just as long as it isn't dead silence.

the party is in a hall. i wonder if they'll have dancing? it sounds like just a dinner, but most of the receptions

i've seen in halls have dancing.

maybe they don't dance in their church. i don't know. [seventh day adventist.]

i managed to spend quite a while fiddling around today with what i thought of as well junk [processing images]. stuff to leave alone, and go try new things. it's like, what am i doing? it just seems like a rerun, and that there is no real point and i might as well just keep quiet until i have something to say. i could bury it somewhere in the old diary. i think one of them is here.

i guess i'll have to see where it goes. maybe nowhere.

complications, circles, frustration, confusion. cancellation? i'm starting to feel it's more and more likely. and i may not even go to the wedding party if i cancel, to make it all very me. not able to do the thing i should to show my support, to be a decent human being.

it doesn't make sense. if i cancel the trip, i should go to the party. i hardly ever get unusual social opportunities. i am sometimes, in some ways curious about religious fundamentalists. i can often get on a wavelength that is peaceful, in the sense of

talking about

a kind of acceptance, not talking about, but an approach that is not cool or sarcastic, but open to what a person

and i haven't actually often found self-righteous condemnation. i've seen many who just seem to want to help, who even can accept that people have different ways of seeing things, humble, ok, i'm not explaining well, and i can see the underlying assumptions and other agendas that other people would point out, but sometimes when humans approach each other in an honest, direct way, not quick to take offence, which does actually happen i find in these circumstances as long as the other party isn't condescending or assuming.

i think part of the problem is that gk is ok with our lack of social life. and maybe i'm maybe i'd find certain social situations worse than no social situations. but i suppose that in my state of being without, i wonder about opportunities that present themselves, not wanting to be too quick to dismiss. wondering what i could handle, thinking it might not be bad to try a few different things if the opportunity comes up.

his friend was kind to me.

anyway. it does seem a whole hell of a lot easier if i just died before then.

i don't know how to deal with any of it. it all feels like too much. i don't know what is phony, i don't know what else i need to question, i don't know what i should force myself to do, i don't know what i actually can make myself do. luckily tonight i will probably be able to go to bed soon. maybe very soon. i should maybe try to stay up a little longer if i can, drag it out until midnight, which is probably a bit early, but reasonable.

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what the hell is that picture. i do not think it is ok to just ploink things here and there and think it (the one recently linked)

i have managed to sum up an uncomfortable

have i?

the repetitiveness, the conflict, the discordance, the lack of culture, and when you add the paragraph, that's where a lot of the current dilemma and confusion that's part of the summing up. it's yucky, but a pattern. it's like it almost, but not quite, because there's a lack of a point or direction, there's a lack of a stand or interesting enough subject, or it represents that nothing is thought out well enough. and so perhaps in that itself it represents a state of mind personal to me, relevant to me, but not appealing to that part that

maybe it will grow on me. sometimes they do, even when i know i've just played with stuff in ways that are laughable.

is it a clue, a message to myself that helps to unlock the next direction? who knows what any of them are. stuck in circles.

ok, sleep. not a good day.

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15/06/06

i think i'm starting to get sick. it's a bit after 11:30am. i had to take paracetamol a while ago. it's better to take it before the headache gets bad, i think. when it's really bad, it seems like nothing makes a difference.

usually in the beginning i would find that although i didn't feel too bad, it would somehow be impossible to exercise. i wouldn't be able to understand it. i'd sit there, thinking i didn't feel too bad, i should be able to do it, but it was like there was some critical motivation missing. but at first, even with symptoms like that, i really didn't get so sick. that came later, when i was more out of control with it, and kept upping the dosage.

sometimes the first morning i was able to exercise, but not the second, and then it would be a while.

i had some breakfast. i think it's probably also necessary to keep food coming in at regular intervals, to avoid a feeling of starving, and also there's probably something about getting some sugar into the system.

i am going to see how things go. for a while i started to feel scared and was thinking i might not be able to go through detox at this time. i'll try to give it at least a while longer.

water is probably also important. all night i had to urinate every two hours or so. this usually happens after a prolonged binge episode.

2:15pm approx.: i am getting sicker. i took paracetamol but i still feel head pain or discomfort, it is difficult to describe. it feels like a sick pain, not sharp or stabbing, but more complex. i think it has a bit of a fuzzy or buzzing feel, and that at present i can feel it most on the left side of my head, but i can feel it all around the head, sides, top, back.

the 3rd and 4th days are usually the most difficult. i'm not sure i can hang in there. i'm getting scared.

i also have a lethargic feel.

i guess it's not really so bad yet but i don't really have anything to do but concentrate on my symptoms.

i just ate two pieces of fruit and am now eating a bit of tomato soup. for a moment i started to feel it might not stay down, but that feeling has passed for now.

instant tomato soup is another food i have sometimes been able to have in the house when gk goes away, but sometimes i have binged on it, and i don't really like the saltiness of it and usually prefer not to risk it, or complicate things with it.

nothing to do, feeling bored. unpleasant thoughts:

my first crushes or obsessions occurred right at the time i moved in with my father. i would associate feelings of depression with not having contact with the object of my obsession that day at school. if i received eye contact or something else, it would improve my mood.

i got to date the boy i was most obsessed with for a couple of weeks, and then we broke up.

it seems like i might have been more obsessive than other kids because of my relationship with my father. when i first moved in with him, maybe i felt like i got attention for a while and i was happy, but maybe it wasn't long until i realized my father wasn't equipped to be a parent (realized unconsciously) and i was left to raise myself. meanwhile, my mother had sort of disowned me, was very angry. not having the care and concern of my mother, and finding that my father was busy and didn't have much time for me, i probably had a need to project my emotional needs in an excessive way.

the next boyfriend was older, had a job that was almost full-time while he attended school, was drunk a lot of the time and got me drunk so he could make out with me. i had refused his advances consistently over the year.

i think it was just before i started 'dating' him that my father suggested that he (my father) and i get drunk together.

in a way, it looks like i might have been acting out a pattern

my father was a 'good' person, right, and so was this other guy, i could see his good qualities. i needed to be more open-minded.

my abrasive ex was impressed by my intelligence but more or less told me i was ugly. again, this is something my father imparted to me.

was it my mother's influence that had an effect on me eventually getting free of all these men, to try for something more.

my father could be very open-minded and accepting, and perhaps those are the qualities of his i sought in my ex. but, there was also the apathy, or not really seeing who i was as a person well enough to know that to let me stay in that situation was bad for me.

it's revolting to keep going over the stupid details, looking for answers, something i didn't see before.

i think it's too hot today to wear my coat.

the food might have helped temporarily. maybe i should have a shower.

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4:31pm. maybe i'll start using 16:31 and so on. i think i'd like to make that kind of change.

at approximately 15:30 i decided to have an iced coffee. the pain in my head was scaring me, i felt nauseated and i was pretty sure that if i left it much longer i would be sick for an extended period, even if i managed to get caffeine into my system.

as it stands now i'm still a little sick, but things are improving. i noticed a reduction of the pressure in my head 15-20 minutes after i drank my caffeine-sugar concoction. that is, i noticed that after that much time had lapsed that i was no longer seriously uncomfortable.

in january when i gave up caffeine after drinking it regularly for a very long time, probably more than a year, i tapered down slowly. i think it took 2 weeks. i had minimal discomfort at that time. i may have been able to taper because of the circumstances, i may have been more motivated than usual. i remember taking paracetamol for headaches, and that it wasn't totally effective, but that it still felt manageable to me.

i notice now a feeling of well-being, underneath the layers of depression and despair, etc.

i'm grossly gassy at present, hoping it passes soon.

since i took this step, decided not to go through with detox, the shortest possible detox, my mind has now come up with a task for me: tomorrow when i get up, i will, as long as it's not raining, paint the two bits of trim i haven't yet painted outside. bits under doors where i wasn't sure what colour to use, and then after i left them because i just sort of collapsed and thought the main part of everything was done. so, two coats will be needed. i will do that, and i will paint a couple of interior trims as well. every once in a while i repaint or touch up high traffic trims, where dirty hands eventually make the white trim look a bit grey. or i clean up mould and repaint. or paint over an area that has been scratched by moving furniture or for some other reason. just small bits, just every once in a while. there are a couple of trims near doorways that could use a touchup.

also, it occurs to me that every once in a while it is good to clean on top of the shelves and fridge in the kitchen, part of keeping the new kitchen nice. and the shelves in the laundry are prone to collecting a lot of dust/dirt. so perhaps i could focus on these small areas.

so, that is currently my plan. however, it has been raining a bit lately, so it might not be practical for me to carry out the painting part of this plan. i think though that as soon as the weather is suitable that i will probably need to go forward with these little loose ends.

once that project is cleared up, and not bogging my mind down, i think i will attempt to exercise, even though i'm still drinking coffee. if i can, i will taper. if not, i will try to just drink a bit of coffee each day as a reward for doing my exercises. i had a scaled down version of my usual one today. perhaps that same amount or increasingly less strong is something to aim for. i purposely only left myself a certain amount of sugar so that it would be difficult to overdo it or i'd run out before gk's return. (the more sugar and chocolate powder i use, the stronger i'm able to make my coffee. i find instant coffee generally pretty foul on its own.)

i like my room. i don't think i will be sick of it any time soon. i think i could use new sheets, though. the colour isn't quite right, i need darker more brown-black ones, i think. but aside from that, i've had them for some time, and i think it's good to have spare ones. also, i want to find out how to choose ones that feel really good. (the ones on the bed now aren't bad, though.)

i think one thing celebrities are forced to say these days if publicly taken to task over eating disorders is that they are now focused on fixing up their lives, and not on eating or not eating. but it's not like things like anorexia or bulimia usually disappear forever so consistently. surely the girls who are watching ah, but maybe they are young enough and the hope helps. and the issue, while it sounds all politically correct to 'fix up your life' and not focus on your appearance, if you're in the spotlight your appearance has a great deal of impact on your life and livelihood. it *is* competitive, there are others to take your place at any moment, and every second of every day you are getting older and the camera is merciless.

anyway.

it's such a relief not to be feeling sick. i just didn't think i could face going through it, and it seemed to me that it was going to get pretty bad.

do i have to keep trying to create highs by experiencing lower lows such that the previous lows feel like highs in comparison?

and like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of my life.

yawn.

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a wild plan about going to melbourne, flying back for the wedding, then flying back to melbourne. approaching life not as a horrible complicated ordeal, but seeing that it might be fun to feel like i have reasons to fly back and forth at a moment's notice, to just be able to pick up and go

18:00 i have a bit of a headache, but it's not as scary. i have not taken extra paracetamol. (i took 2 X 500mg twice earlier, once at about 8:30, and then at about 12:40. i try to use the recommended limits as a guideline. if i take more, or take more frequently, it just adds to the nausea and probably doesn't have any further effect at reducing headache.

waiting for gk's call. not sure at all how it will go tonight.

when people say to work on the inside as opposed to the outside. what if you can't offer people your compassion, or listen, or be there for them in various ways, what if you can't do small things to show that you are part of a community, family or part of the world, what if every time you've tried you just can't get past the point where you get up and out the door, you just collapse into chaos and just can't offer anyone anything. how do you work on your inside except as i try to do it within my own

trying to work things out, think about things, explore things from different angles, like dream interpretation and the other things i tried, the 'art therapy' that thrust itself on me, the tarot cards etc, what is all of that except me making an attempt to work on the inside? or at least examine it so i can 'work' on it?

i'm not sure how many people have the same problem, but i haven't seen it addressed so often. it's like people say get help, but what if the biggest block is the part that gets you up and out to the place where you're supposed to get this help? like if you could do that, you probably wouldn't need help?

what if continuity is a problem, what if the 'imaginary' stresses that bombard you

ugh, i feel so weak, so helpless. i don't know how to make people understand.

i know how it sounds, how if you're able to do something in certain circumstances you should be able to do it other times, but for me it's a case of what other factors influence it all at the time.

my father did go through a period of blowing everything off, spending all his money, suffering loss of respect after enjoying a much higher standing for years, but after that, he eventually went back to work and carried on, even if he wasn't happy.

so, that should be my example, right? but what if his different children represent different parts of his personality and different directions he might have taken? i was under the impression that he was always so unhappy with his work that it wasn't really worth it to do it. so maybe rather than go his route my personality filtered all the info through and came up with a different area to explore. a different way of living. sure not to collect responsibilities that i wouldn't be able to handle, like children. having a personality and life experiences that make everyone feel they shouldn't depend on me or count on me for anything. and what would happen if you had no responsibilities and just didn't work. what life would be if you just let go of the ideas of being respected, of paying your own way and supporting a family, of having the power in the world that comes along with taking certain responsibilties.

another sibling choosing an ultra-responsible route, not giving in to the excesses in the same way, staying in control. seeing the areas that were lacking, and finding ways to improve on what he had been shown, through conscious awareness, choice, a need to do better.

another perhaps choosing to adopt a system of morals much less complicated and open than my father's, maybe even old-fashioned in a way, and finding stability

another very easygoing and open to life and people, not judging, just able to handle whatever, his generosity and sharing sort of an expansion of those qualities in my father, not taking anything too seriously

but how are they all now. are they all really doing well, or were there time bombs built into all of us?

is it still that the approach to depression is to deal with it as if it's a matter of pride and spirit? that it all boils down to that?

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16/06/06

i accomplished the tasks i set for myself. however, i am not pleased with the outcome of the painting. the colour is wrong, in at least one of two places. i know it will nag at me, and i will probably have to change it.

also, as i went along, i became aware as i usually do that there is a lot that should be done. i now feel an internal nagging to at least try to wash the floors. the wood ones with timber cleaner, and the kitchen probably with something strong, like bleach.

i am also considering washing the tablecloth, but hesitating because the thing is a bitch to iron, and will need ironing after washing. i become dismayed when i think about the level of filth i can become accustomed to, and yet i know this is only one phase, and that at other times it all seems more natural or not as big a deal, besides, it's probably good for humans not to get too precious, it keeps their immune systems and whatnot on their toes. not exactly what i mean, but usually it doesn't kill you or make you sick to live in a place that isn't perfectly clean, is what i mean.

i want to force myself to get it all over with, but i can't repaint today in daylight hours, there isn't enough drying time. i'm reluctant to try to paint in poor light, although i may be able to set up a spotlamp for the small doorway.

a fun way to spend a friday night. i have that familiar wish for something to do, somewhere to go. but since i can't make that happen at this time, isn't it better to get these tasks over with? maybe i can tonight.

i had an unpleasant headache while i performed my tasks. i worked for around 3 hours, maybe a little more. if i could do that much per week, the house would probably actually look clean, or not too bad, and things wouldn't deteriorate as quickly. however, i think it's unlikely that i will ever be able to do housework on a regular basis here. i just get too overwhelmed with it. when you think about the actual amount of time it would take to just keep it

it's not really so much, especially considering how much time i have on my hands. even if it was something like an hour a day or every other day? but i can't seem to do it regularly, and when i do do it, i see all that needs doing and i guess somehow i just keep doing stuff until some internal guide tells me i've done as much as i can for now.

sheets and towels should be washed more often. but i suppose we are conserving water.

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i had a scaled down iced coffee with probably about half the usual dose of caffeine or less as a reward when i finished. it made the headache disappear in half an hour or less.

i am currently doing some laundry. it feels like i've really done not much of anything that makes a difference today. i threw the handwash only placemats in the washing machine on delicate. i did a test batch first with a couple we use less often. i had just been spot cleaning all the cloth placemats and putting off making a decision about whether to risk the washing machine. the test batch came out fine. i'm thinking i'm probably going to throw the horror tablecloth in next.

maybe tomorrow i will try painting again, plus wash the floors. or maybe it will nag at me tonight until i do at least a bit more tonight. i don't know how to explain how sometimes i can leave things for quite a long time, and then i just can't have any peace until i do a few things here and there.

and it occurs to me that there are people more together than i'll ever be. people who can hold down jobs, keep their houses, sheets, clothes, etc, clean, who can deal with kids, who can socialize, travel, read, take courses, pursue hobbies, keep on top of replacing everything that is wearing out, get the car serviced,

but realistically, i don't actually see so many people

or who knows, the average person may be able to stay on top of a lot more than me.

ok, there's the feeling i should put more effort into trying to explain. at present, i'm not 'free', and the only thing to stop this nagging jackhammer in my brain is to clean the fucking floors, fix up the paint that's the wrong colour and tidy up and see if there are any leftover straggling ends that then pester me, and just try to push through until it's all done. it's the main focus in my life, and i'm pretty sure it's going to stay there nagging at me until i do something about it. i won't be able to sit down and relax. although i may sit down and try to relax, and it may be that i seem relaxed, and i may not really be all that stressed, but there's an overview to the situation, that i am stuck in an unpleasant state until the tasks are completed, and it's better to get it done soon if possible. i often realize that i just can't go any further on a particular day, even if i haven't really done all that much. and so i'm forced to sit and wait until i feel i have the energy to do what must be done.

and it seems idiotic, but if i try to ignore it all, it's like i don't have enough to occupy myself with to be able to do that.

i ask myself all the time, what if i just decided not to do this or anything like this ever again? it's all well and good to try to make a decision like that, but if you can't figure out something else to do with your time and you can't shut out the nagging, the best way to make it stop seems to be to do what will make it stop.

i mean, that's partly what all this writing is, i think, something similar. i want to be allowed to stop, but it seems i'm not done yet or something. stuck.

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could i break it down, wash all the upstairs floors tonight.

the door trim that needs painting is a pain, because there are other little bits that will need changing, such that i think i might need to get out 2-3 colours just to do a small area. ok, it's not really such a big job. maybe tomorrow. i will leave the trim at the front. i will think about that one. it might be ok as is. from a distance it looks ok, but up close, i think it ends up drawing the eye to imperfections, roughness in other areas of the trim. i'm not sure what to do about it, if a lighter colour would be better. i hate not knowing, i hate having to wait, and try things out, and feel like an incompetent imbecile.

i feel stressed. isn't the best way to deal with this probably to try to get more done tonight?

19:00 all of the floors are now washed. i don't know how great a job i did, but i have done what i could. the house smells like bleach. cocoa was reluctant to take food from my hands because she could smell cleaning fluids. i seem to remember ginger liking the smell of bleach and might have actually licked the floor. or maybe that was cocoa. but i had other cleaning smells on my hands, i used gloves when working with bleach.

maybe i will try to address the painting issues tomorrow. but, because i did what i did tonight, it feels like it would be nice to have something to do that's enjoyable to unwind. like have alcohol, have somewhere to go, have coffee and dessert, etc. nowhere to go tonight.

one of the doorways won't be difficult at least in the sense that i already have an idea of what to do to improve it. with the other, i'm afraid of just making the situation worse somehow. i guess i'll have to wait until tomorrow. better check the weather.

lonely. what is there to say about it. anyway, i will be stressed while i have the unfinished painting hanging over my head.

my personality, i can't say well it's painted now who cares if it looks off to me i did a lot more than was required of me, etc. it's the internal nagging thing. and it doesn't even matter if someone else would say that my internal nagging only results in 'improvements' that really don't make a difference, or are actually technically not as good for whatever reason as what i had before. i don't know who to consult for guidance or advice, and so i fiddle with things until it doesn't nag me any more.

how was i able to leave the trims unpainted all this time? i don't know. i had a feeling they would be tricky, and i wasn't quite sure how to handle them. at the time i was burnt out beyond belief. having to do repaints might have freaked me out. [the colour that was there before i painted actually went with everything, was just sort of a faded, less saturated colour than the new one, and as such probably wasn't so bad to keep at the bottom of a doorway. but over time it nagged at me to leave none of the original paint uncovered, unfreshened.]

whereas now i guess it's not as big a deal, even though it is still a nagging source of stress.

when i refer to the trims, i mean a bit of border at the bottom of doorways, underneath the door part, one regular door, and one sliding door.

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a kind of polished vulnerability that doesn't seem as awkwardly or painfully vulnerable as in the past. everything is made more easygoing and cool, people are aware of how uncool excessive displays of any kind of emotion are, and that if you give in to them, only as far as you can keep it photogenic. people are probably as uncool as ever, at least some, but i think some are being hidden away and the camera is choosing only those

the rest are disappeared, along with tummy bulges and cellulite in pretty women.

if you fit the nerd profile in a cool way, you're ok. nerds are cool, i have noticed that. but what about people who don't fit anywhere.

just chipping, still not organized.

i feel like i'm killing time, not getting anywhere. it would be better to do drugs.

i'll probably try to watch tv until bed. get up and try to paint, and then see where it all goes from there. keep trying to taper. i know when i let things go like this i should be focusing, i should be aware of how much time, how many days, and i can't seem to make myself. i'll go with things for now. complete my tasks tomorrow if possible, and then see.

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17/06/06

i did the painting and ironed the table cloth. i think that the new painting is an improvement. although i'm not sure about my overall painting job. i mean, the house as a whole. at times it looks off to me.

through painting the house, i have come to know it, its nooks and crannies, its imperfections, etc. at times i feel depressed when i think that the house is a manifestation or projection of myself onto a physical structure. did i choose a house to work on that would remind me of myself? it's like i haven't even changed it all that much. it started out looking old-fashioned suburban, but i think that there was a consistency to it, that there was some thought or planning in the colour scheme, it might have looked 70s, but there was a kind of natural quality to it. and now, it's like it looks good in some lights and in others i'm not so sure. so i've made it reflect myself in that?

but i feel so bogged down. of all the things i could have tried, couldn't i have tried harder to take it further from the original?

but i realize that i had to try things out to know what it was like to work with a house. if i had to do it over, i'd probably be more aware, be starting with a better base of knowledge.

are these the steps that lead to some people being able to do it in ways that seem effortless?

at times, i want to be less hard on myself, and say maybe it's ok to say you tried as hard as you could at the time, and that the results are kind of interesting. and that now i might know more for future reference.

but it's also hard to shut out the thought that you need to start with a structure that reflects something important about

which leads to

why do i have to be me? why do i have this raw material to work with? why can't i be something better?

why not scrap it all.

anyway. i am now washing gk's bedding to freshen it up, and i will also need to wash the kitchen towels and a few odd things, including my painting clothes.

and then i think i will be 'done' for now. maybe i will try to exercise soon.

i had another scaled down iced coffee as a reward today when i finished the painting. i didn't have a headache today.

i think for a very long time i have been sleeping too long. as a result, i wake up frequently through the night, or at least a couple of times. when i'm coming off an extended binge or detoxing, i often have to urinate frequently through the day and night, but even when i had just gone into a reduced calorie and much exercise thing a few months ago, i still had to wake up and go to urinate 3-4 times per night, i think. which seems excessive, and i wonder if it's a sign there's something wrong. so, unless it's related to being sleep- saturated, i don't know. on a few occasions when i was working on the house and had less sleep than usual and was very tired, i remember that it didn't happen. i actually slept through the night once or twice. but even when working on the house, i would feel mentally unable to cope with any more of the day, and i would go to lie down even if i wasn't really tired yet. it usually seems to come to that. sometimes i am tired but that's probably more rare than when i say to myself i just can't handle any more of this day.

after finishing things today i've noticed

it's saturday, and i really feel like i need some kind of way of breaking up the week, such that every day isn't the same. i feel the need of a release.

i thought about going to the store, but it's getting a bit late to go to the one i'd prefer.

the last load in now in.

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i felt a little self-conscious today painting outside, but i didn't have to be outside very long. i felt especially conscious in certain positions sitting on the ground painting, because i have a feeling certain angles are very unflattering with my particular body type, and even if i were thinner wouldn't be flattering. still, the smaller the better for coping with things like that.

after, i noticed that when i went outside to look at things [i often need to look at things again and again, from different angles, at different times, etc, much the same as i need to look at pictures i create over and over as if they will tell me something or are clues that move me on to the next direction.] in my long coat i wasn't too self-conscious. i think this coat feels natural to me. i don't think at present i have much style, or that i

i don't know, it's kind of like at least i think i look a little less white bread.

but it's natural, comfortable, to throw on the coat indoors, and maybe it's one of those things that for a time i can cope with outdoors as well, it's hard to explain or know

it's just that recently i have found it ok, comfortable enough to wear in public a few times. if i overdo it, wear it a lot, it will start to feel heavy, greasy, unbearable. it's the same for the house. but it might hold up for some time yet.

it's just so easy to let my hair drip dry. what if i kept a similar colour so that there's still minimal upkeep, and let it get longer. what if i decided that there isn't really a better solution unless i change in some radical way, and that because there's currently so little fuss with it, that maybe what i'm currently doing is natural for me,

i feel like i'm out of a certain loop. i remember that i used to find it natural to have to do stuff to my hair, blowdry, styling products, curl. that it was part of preparation for the day, or a night out. i don't even know how to have a hairstyle now that requires curl.

i don't want to be writing about all of this monotonous

i just don't know what to do. the time is still unbearable, but somehow keeps going on and on.

bear in mind that i always have in the back of my mind that i want to be thinner and fitter. it's always there, it's always the underlying object. and all this time all these weeks that i have now been writing this drivel, i have not come closer, but i have deteriorated further. unless you look at it like i have to go through certain steps or phases dictated by my own personal makeup to get back to the part of the cycle where i work on it again, and i have to keep trying again and again to focus.

i don't really notice the labret isn't there any more. when it was in, i hadn't been really noticing it for a long time. the scale of it was wrong for my face (even the wrong kind of piercing for my face), but i wanted to leave it in because i wanted to make changes, dramatic changes, and thought i could compensate. also, in photos, my photos, i liked it, and i compensated myself for scale. it was originally a personal statement. i think i eventually sort of collapsed, gave up, because i didn't go further with that particular statement, idea. half-expressed in a way seemed

like it didn't matter.

because it was off,

ick, i'm just so tired of this. and i know i'm not going to stop yet, although it's so depressing to be chained to this sludge, this greasy heavy feeling.

the last load is probably almost finished, ready to hang.

a couple of things have been bothering me today, about careless things, a couple of examples of the kinds of things, but today i have been thinking about these particular examples.

i remember a few years ago or so on ash, one was earlier, one was more recent, i think, but i'm not going to search my posts, i'd prefer not to see any of the idiotic things ever again

anyway, i was thinking about comments i made about my grandfather's 'mansion' and another post about having 'invites' to funerals and being jealous of the dead.

i can't remember what i wrote in the post about the 'mansion'. my siblings and i used to call it that, although it wasn't really a mansion, but it was a big, kind of expensive house. i remember that they employed a designer, and that i didn't really ever find the house comfortable or

it was impressive, though.

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anyway, just thinking about my grandfather and how he would feel reading my seemingly casual or non-thinking or non-caring remarks. i think i may have come across as more jaded or cynical than i really feel.

but is that part of who i am? we all referred to the house as the mansion, we all found it kind of odd that he kept sending us $25 each year for our birthdays. communication, genuine communication, has always been so difficult.

when i first had problems attending annual dinners at my grandfather's was it partly about rebelling against all the politeness and niceness and the idea of what success and responsibility are? about always getting a good deal on this or that, not spending excessively ever,

or was it just about not being able to face disappointing someone as nice as him, as genuinely good, not being able to understand why i couldn't be more than i was. that i wasn't moving into life in the ways i should.

another comment, about funerals. one of the funerals was for the husband of my grandmother's sister. and to think i could write so lightly, about 'invites', when i'm sure her grief was real to her, or at least something worthy of consideration, all the years they spent together

which reminds me of another aunt, not a real aunt, my mother's cousin.. and her family. i liked visiting them better than any other relatives. there was so much openness. my cousin was beautiful, naturally very blonde, and tall, blue eyes. her father was from norway.

i was at my mother's sister's one day when i heard my 'uncle' had lost his job or something, they had lost their house and the whole family had broken up, i didn't hear many details, but i remarked that it must have been hard on them, and the look on my mother's sister's face, i knew immediately

what about her? when her husband went to jail? when they lost so much that they had had? where was her sympathy?

and i wish i were a better speaker, or maybe i could have somehow

what a fucked up family, though, because i did feel sympathy for her, and her husband, but it was never really expressed. and i thought about writing to him in jail, but didn't, because i thought i would be irritating to hear from, that my personality would

but i know more about life now, and i guess would have done things differently if i had known, but i didn't

but that's what i mean, there are so many little instances like that where if there's sympathy, maybe it's never expressed, or there's just so much respect for privacy that it looks like apathy or idiocy. [or there's some kind of weird low self-esteem trait.]

silly comments about drinking, alcoholics in front of my aunt that belie what i really think about alcoholism and how i've wondered if she wanted help, and felt alone.

how do you stop fucking up? i started making efforts to say the things i was thinking rather than just let things go, even at the risk of embarrassing myself, and now... i don't have the connections or attachments, the place to start.

because to ask people about their problems, i'd have to be stable enough not to break down in some weird way, or leave them dangling without support. because i freak out so easily, my internal stresses make it impossible to hold back the tidal wave of

how messed up and unstable i am.

but i still feel like i want to apologize for the unthinking comments i've made

maybe when you're an idiot - when you have some kind of interesting instinct or reaction to fucked up situations, it ends up coming out cheaply

and you're never quite bright enough to untangle the mess.

what choice did i have? if things are going badly, you do something about it, otherwise you are not a responsible person, you are not worthy of respect. but because you are a member of the family, we will accept you, but be warned that you will feel below the surface a dagger of accusation at every turn. you are not trying hard enough, you must have no personal pride,

we win, you lose.

daily calorie counts have been something like 1600, 1800, 1300.

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23:16 it's cold here tonight, or i'm feeling the cold tonight. i sometimes have to keep the electric blanket on low, or turn it on low in the morning. (i put it on high to warm up the bed before i get in, though.)

i'm very bored. a nagging to get rid of the entry i made the other day. i wasn't sure what i'd do with it, or if i'd just forget about it because

i get sick of saying i know it's crap, etc. i guess it says something i want to say, end of story.

i don't know what if anything is next, i don't know if i will ever make another website, post another entry, etc.

it feels like a filing system. and for now it doesn't matter that i don't see any reason

if i get the urge to get rid of it all one day

i suppose that is always there, mass deletia to wipe things clean and start from scratch. or just a major act of destruction, maybe necessary from time to time, part of the rhythm, cycles, etc.

i think i'm at about 1300 calories today. i'm hungry now, but not really suffering. i might try to go without anything further.

i feel so cold that i just want to crawl into a warm bed. i am wearing my coat, but 18 C is not a comfortable room temperature for me. unless i'm very busy, physically active. wearing a coat compensates, but i think that eventually i get weary of the day after day uncomfortable feeling of cold. dashing to the toilet throughout the night in pajamas, trying to take a shower

there are just so many moments

i don't like feeling cold. and i can't speed up my metabolism without some kind of stimuli i can't seem to create myself.

why haven't i bored myself to death yet?

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18/06/06

i made up gk's bed and settled up a few odds and ends. i thought i would try to exercise after that, but i don't think i can. i notice that there is a feeling of failure, that leads to a chain of thinking where i cancel everything and just concentrate on death. i also notice that i have a strong urge to have social contact of some kind, but specifically to go out somewhere for coffee, a meal, drinks, something like that. i also note that it is just after 14:00, and that there is still time today to go to the bottle shop and to the grocery store.

hair conflict is nagging at me. it's so stupid, but just this back and forth about what to do with it. or not do with it.

i only had to get up to pee once last night. maybe because i got up earlier yesterday and had been doing house jobs.

the gassiness i was experiencing seemed to go away pretty quickly.

maybe i'll try to go without any caffeine at all today. in a way, i think i see it as 'moving forward' or working toward something in one way if i couldn't exercise. so as not to 'waste' this day. but there is a voice in my head saying i'm so fucking ugly that whatever efforts i put in don't really matter, so i might as well give up exercising and just indulge.

thinking about misunderstandings, wondering if very many people would have a feel for my ways of communicating.

i think there is still a residual fear, even now when i've done it so many times and nothing really comes of it, of putting up anything new, a fear of unpleasant consequences, but also there is still some wish that somehow something will open up, channels, something

that leads to a different level of communication. that somehow leads to a connection.

but things operate on many different levels, and mostly it just feels like i need to get something out of my system, out, out where i can't forget about it or something, it's an extra step only semi- recently available to me since i created a website. i mean, i think i get it out so i can forget about it, but it is like some ritualistic behaviour now, and almost like i superstitiously think taking the step of putting it out there will lead to clues or info that comes from inside me, or will open me up so that i'm aware enough to pick up info from somewhere else that will move things further

[if you try something out, rather than stifling the urge, you see what happens and then it's like rather than being stuck in the stifling the urge stage, you move on to dealing with some other urge.]

maybe it is superstitious, but that doesn't necessarily mean there absolutely isn't something in the process that eventually could be scientifically pinned down and explained.

it seems like i shuffle a lot of my subconscious details around on a regular basis. even within a 'throwaway' piece of drivel like this long-winded entry.

at the moment i'm losing confidence, not sure i can handle the trip or flying back to the wedding and if i cancel the trip, i'll probably sabotage the wedding attendance, i feel like such a fuck-up. will i disappoint gk. is he hoping i'll leave will he hate me for not attending the wedding but what's the big deal what if i had to go today, what is wrong with me that i shouldn't show my face anywhere in the world should i be ashamed of who and what i am will everyone think i should be ashamed of myself who really fucking cares i'm just another face in the crowd for fuck's sake fuck, i do not need to hear again that i wanted to be more than a face in the crowd, at all occasions because it doesn't matter now can't i see that it went on too long too much time passed and now it is actually more interesting to observe from a distance, maybe observe the others.

just pick one thing and stick to it. why is it so hard, why do i get no peace.

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and i can vaguely imagine what it's like, when the gears of your life shift smoothly and you can go here and there, accomplish tasks, enjoy leisure time, etc, and even struggle and conflict fit into the picture in semi-pretty ways.

i have an outbreak at present. it started with one sore in one area, then i got a cluster in another as that one started to subside. it was extremely itchy last night.

i also have recurring itchiness due to a couple of small patches of eczema. there is a small bit on the left shin, and a bit above the outside of the right ankle. i have resisted scratching.

(i also resist scratching any sores.)

i'm actually not even sure how often i get outbreaks any more. it may be considerably less, but i'm not really paying attention. i think it's because i just don't see myself having sex, so there's no need to pay as much attention. i think i got worn out always having to be aware of signs and symptoms and how often it all was occurring. i think that probably most of the time i have fewer outbreaks than when it was at its worst, but that i still get more than i did when i lived with my ex, and it does occur to me that my ex perhaps reduced my stress in ways that affected how often

but i'm forgetting that before i started seeing my ex i hardly had any, either.

i feel at the end of my rope again. ok, maybe an exaggeration, but i feel that i'm in a state of extreme deprivation. sensory deprivation experiment performed over and over and over, not leading to results i am looking for.

i am craving warm food. this is my 5th day of eating only cereal and fruit. one portion of tomato soup, plus the iced coffees although today i haven't had one. i suppose it can be an emergency measure, although if i have one it will feel like a wasted day, a day in which i am not working toward getting myself out of a state i say i hate.

i am not sure how i stand this. again, i feel starved, i feel lonely it all feels like something that there's no way a person could endure

this unglamorous lack of impulse urge control..

i don't think it would take much to send me to the store today. i think it's still difficult to deal with it, otherwise i would have gone already.

if you think about it, any day i could go out and i don't and why can't i figure out where to go or

why not just go out and buy food if i want it so much? what actually really prevents me? if i'm sitting here pining for food, and i know that food is sold in stores, what the fuck prevents me, because most of the time i'm too far gone to say i care in the moment about my weight, the mess, the sickness, etc. i just want food.

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asking people about their earliest memories

i think mine was a dream. before my brother was born. i dreamed of heaven, it was a white place with white misty cloudy places, but in the middle of heaven was this big square fountain, white, and it was filled with blood and in the blood were baby limbs and i think i might have had this dream just before my brother came home from the hospital. the dream was very scary, it was a nightmare. maybe someone explained what was happening and that was how my little 1 and a half year old brain processed it.

another dream in which i was 'flying' into a bank, after hours.

meeting l. seeing her tricycle in front of our houses.

the night i opened the baby aspirins when i climbed up onto the counter, and got the bottle open and shared with l. in my parents' bedroom

but my first memories of my parents, that's difficult, which seems weird to me.

i'm not sure i remember them much before the age of 5. i think though that i vaguely remember people before that, always vague, although i do remember having a conversation with my mother about the baby aspirins prior to swallowing them. i'm not sure how much before, days, weeks, i don't know. but she was warning me about them when i told her they tasted good.

i remember when there were accidents, brother cutting head open, my concussion, and the father taking charge, kind of out of my way, i am not wasting any time here, we'll get the kid to the hospital, someone's got to make decisions here

but kind of 'heroic' or like he knew what to do in an emergency, and also it came across, the importance of a life and death situation, the importance of the life of the kids.

maybe also that those situations were the only ones in which he felt comfortable as a parent? that he actually felt like he knew what he was doing?

but just like he hardly appears in any family photos, and when he does he hardly ever looks directly into the camera, so he fades out of my memories, and i start to remember more when they were separated and we went to visit him in his various places. he told jokes, he was a social person, joined things like single parents dating and baseball type clubs. i know he went to bars, went dancing, he was a 'fun' and funny father at that time. we went to drive-ins, we met some of the women he probably slept with and their children.

i have this sense that my mother was a good person, and that she was always thinking of us, and planning, and taking care of so many details, and that when we did or said unthinking kid things we sometimes hurt her or didn't understand her efforts or caring, i remember the look of hurt at times

but i have this block, i don't remember warm emotional moments, i don't remember connecting with my parents.

and maybe i always wanted to grow up fast and be an adult so i could have sexual relationships because i thought that was what love was, that i watched my parents and saw that there was something happening that represented an amount of attention i did not receive as a child. child represents duty, obligation, being a good person. anxieties, responsibilities, worries. adult sex represents fun, the possibility to really be yourself, a strong connection with another person.

talking just now with gk on the phone, i think these phone calls actually do help in a way, although i still am thinking help me help me somebody please feed me, help me make this stop, i can often hold on, and not make the phone calls go badly, it's only 4 more days until he comes home and there is a break a change in the schedule maybe a change from eating weet-bix. but before, we only used to email, and it was stiff, and i felt very alone in those circumstances, and it was so difficult to figure out what to type. somehow phone seems easier, and i think we both feel less alone or for a moment when we talk on the phone, even if there are aspects of regimentation or weirdness to it, and obligation, it might be helpful in some ways.

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should i accept that this is how it is? i ask myself that frequently, is this deprivation at a level that is

well, it feels very difficult.

should i have another meal today? i think i'm at about 1000. i haven't had coffee. i guess at some point i'll have a bit more weet-bix, the question is how much. i'll soon have to use the longlife milk. it does taste noticeably different, and i prefer the normal stuff, but as i get hungrier, i also notice that it's easier to cope with. if gk hadn't visited during the time he was supposed to still be there, i would have had to go to the longlife milk sooner.

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19/06/06

00:04 not sure how to write that actually. i feel sad at the moment, more sad than i expected, because while i was chopping it all out of my life, all the reservations, and the email, there was a sort of blankness, i didn't even really feel all that stressed, i didn't think i was doing the wrong thing at all. i was not looking forward to the trip. i had a window, to start to prepare, and i didn't and as a result, i had no chance of enjoying the trip. my self-esteem is in the toilet, and without some kind of support i just don't see any way i can do it. i'll spend the whole trip hiding and just waiting for it to be over. so what's the fucking point? i just want some kind of release. and i know it's going to make things worse, in a way, but i just don't feel strong enough to do it. it's like i can't see any reasons to go to melbourne in particular, i have no idea why i even chose it, or why i was going to spend so much money to go there.

it's like i'm living in a state of stress that is growing, a countdown, oh no i'm running out of time, i'm not prepared, not mentally focusing, not physically preparing, and the way i feel about myself i'm

it's like it doesn't count, or i don't want it to

it's just that if i travel again, i don't want to feel so weak. i think it was good to go to sydney, but most of the time i actually was just trying to kill time, and the amount of actual enjoyment i got was very very minimal. in comparison to the stress of it. which is why there was such a breakdown afterward.

there was no one to stop me, no one to consult. like so many times in my life.

but i can't see any reason to go. it just looked like an extravagance.

maybe i can't get the money back for the melbourne trip. at this point, i'm not sure i care. i keep saying about how at some point i'm just not going to be able to do one more important thing. well, this is only important in consideration of the expense. my independence? new experiences? not in the state of mind i'm in.

i lived in a flat in brisbane for 5 months, and on my own, i did nothing. i only went out to shop. for food, mostly. and i can see it being similar staying in an apartment where i don't have to leave so that housekeeping services can do their job.

ok, i'll admit that part of it is that i feel scrungy and like i defile the things that people like, that i don't fit in, that no one would want me staying in their apartment or hotel. i'm one of the rejects in life, and right now, i know i'm not strong enough to rise above that feeling. i mean, that's what it boils down to. and the things that would help, being thinner, fitter, choosing a fucking hairstyle, making a decision about the fucking mop, it just feels that without those extra things i just can't because i feel like shit and i hate the world with security cameras and cameras everywhere and if i have to be out there, at least i can try to control the ugliness it's theoretically within my power to control

but it's like nothing matters to me, nothing can be enjoyable while i keep on apathetically refusing to do something about myself. even one thing, if i could fix the hair, that might help in itself, but i just don't have a fucking clue what to do with my hair and i'm afraid to try anything myself.

senseless destruction? why do i do things like this?

i just can't seem to make decisions without feeling the pressure. once i say i'm going to do something or go somewhere, it's always so incredibly stressful, and i just fucking hate how trapped i am, and i want the stress to stop, and sometimes if i am committed to a course of action i have to live in that state until it's over with.

and if someone tries to change my mind if i cancel, the waffling is horrible, and in the end i probably will let everyone down because i just can't stand it i can't stand it it never stops i cannot make any decision without it hanging over me and suffocating me until i go through with it or break free of it, and even if i break free of it there's the guilt and all the weird extra feelings that are hard to resolve.

is it really so sad that i cancel an indulgent trip that is totally unplanned, without any direction

what about the early decisions in life? when it actually mattered?

bleh, it's all the same. i need to learn to shake it off. what good does guilt do?

but fuck... it's like i try to make a decision to deal with an unbearable situation, and then the stress of living with the decision and preparing for it is too much. i don't belong anywhere, i want to die, why am i fucking around going to a city i 'm really not very interested in at all?

everybody's too cool for me. i'm intimidated.

ok, maybe it was phony to use the wedding as an excuse, especially since i'm probably going to go into a downward spiral and be unable to attend that either. and the guilt, when i already hassled gk about it fuck fuck i'm such an idiot

i hate being me. why is it like this, why is every fucking possible direction so fucking anxiety ridden.

and why do i feel the need to do it as soon as possible, it's that same old thing, the need to not procrastinate, to try to ease the stress, get it solved, get some kind of closure, do something to relieve the pressure.

and how will gk feel about all of this. he will be disappointed and probably scared, which scares me to face. i will have to try to explain it calmly. when i asked him to come back, it wasn't because it was a silly whim. i really am not doing well, and was having problems then. there was a slight possibility maybe that i might refocus, but i didn't try hard enough and i'm lost again i just can't stand it, and i know that the trip was the only answer i could see to my life here and i don't know what to say, i'm just not strong enough to do it. i need a kind of support that i can't create for myself.

it's best to try to shake off the guilt.

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i have no idea why i was going somewhere so cold. it's too cold. i really don't like cold places. i know i thought i could wear my coat, but why do i want to go places where i have to cover my body from head to toe in order to feel comfortable? that seems like hiding

so, the end of the world again. the best way to salvage this is to say this is a setback, that i need time to build up the strength. but i don't know if i care, honestly. maybe there's no need for guilt, but what is there out in the world for me? i don't see any evidence that there's anything. except stress and trying to struggle through the days forever and ever amen.

i have made a decision. i now have to cope with this decision. it's a different kind of stress. but, do i have to think this is the end of all further attempts? it's probably not. i've been warning gk that at times i've always done things like this, cancellations, and already i wasn't able to go to cambodia and robbed him of that chance in life. this time, i am afraid it will bring him down and that he won't be able to hide how scared he is.

i just want to be free of it. i can't accept myself. but i can't stand the stress, and i can't just keep eating fucking weet-bix every day. i don't know if i want to detox from caffeine, and maybe i just want to be able to have alcohol.

gk and i do have a strong bond, and we do communicate on non- superficial levels. whatever else i seek, i probably can't attract to me because who i am is not worthy of it. i need to be realistic about what i am. i've given things a lot of time. i did actually go dancing when i was 30, and i was just another face in the crowd, just another bleach blonde who really isn't distinguishable from the others.

i can talk to gk about all my issues. he will listen while i try to sort out the anxiety about whatever. i think that's something important. yes, ideally, if i could be independent

but i'm not. and if i'm not strong, it seems like gk deserves to be cut a lot of slack. maybe we do help each other in life.

we both can show each other the little projects we are working on, and support and encourage each other.

but i know others could care for him, live with him, and it seems selfish not to let him go. so, yes, i'm a scumbag, but i need help. i can try to build up the energy to cope again, but i'm hoping i just die here. any time, even tonight.

anyway. gk is the only one on my side. i think that counts for a lot.

i think i need to learn or relearn how to gauge my limits realistically. although it seems i keep trying to see if i can push them, sometimes i can't. and i need to accept that, too.

i want there to be someone to talk to and there's no one.

but that's not true. i have to wait a bit, but i can talk to gk. when he's here, i rarely have to wait at all.

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i hoped to relieve the stress i was feeling because it got to the explosion stage, but now i have a different kind of stress. i will have to wait for a response. and a phone call to cancel the flight. maybe there will be a penalty, but i'll at least get to keep some of the points for the possibility of some future flight.

fuck, how long can this charade of a life go on?

yes, it is sad that i cancelled the trip, but there are reasons why it might not have been the right place for me to spend so much money anyway. i was thinking more of europe, and melbourne is something i would probably pick later, or pick if i could travel a lot.

have i worked out enough of the stress to go to sleep? it seems like there's so much brought out by the simple act of cancellation. perhaps it's worth it to try to examine the feelings.

one thing that occurred to me a while ago was that yesterday, when i was making the cancellations, it was technically sunday, and i wonder, is that father's day in north america? and my thought was something like (song lyrics)

happy birthday dad i'm in jail

and it seems stupid to punish yourself if you have resentment about something related to your father, and i really tend to think i can't honestly hold onto silly comments like that without challenging them.

anyway. it does seem wasteful, and a stupid whim, stupid lack of impulse control. poor baby can't hold it together for 3 1/2 weeks, is afraid of being out of control, and needing to make a decision in advance so there's enough time and so the pressure will stop.

but i don't know that i'm punishing myself. it's like i don't know what all my decision making is based on in the first place, like maybe it's based on something that's wrong for me. i just don't know.

accept it. you just want not to have to try to control and contain yourself. you want to stay somewhere that is warm and welcoming, you want to watch tv, drink coffee and eat chocolate and pizza and occasionally get plastered and that *is* a life. you want to see how the house turns out when all the changes are finished. you want gk's support and love. at present, it seems a lot more appealing than travelling when your self-esteem is so low.

you have learned something about booking hotels and flights, you have become more accustomed to it. info or experience to file away for future reference. i went to sydney this year. i painted the outside of the house. maybe i will still do more this year, but as far as years go for me, so far this one has been productive.

i would like to see cocoa's baby back-riding.

or in a nestbox.

i am so stressed i stayed up writing past my bedtime.

but i know this fear. when i had cancelled something big, the fear of having to tell. but it lessened over time. i am still afraid of gk's disappointment and fear, but i think that if he sees it will be helpful to me not to dwell on it or get too scared about it, he will probably try to focus on the positives this year, after an initial period of adjustment.

i need to try to explain to him calmly, even warn him beforehand about the possibility i won't be able to make it to the wedding. i need there to be no pressure, but i need to explain what i can and can't handle, and why. just tell it like it is.

i suspected i might

but i tried to find a way to do more

i think i need to accept for now that i am not strong enough to keep trying to control myself and make myself more acceptable.

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but it is something that does need to be said, because it represents part of an unpleasant truth: to me it's not worth going outside if i weigh 115 lbs. or not worth going somewhere 'special' anyway.

and i feel like i should apologize for that idiocy, but i can't stop it, i don't know how to make it stop.

10:54 loserloserloser etc well, what does anyone expect.

i have a persistent feeling of uneasiness. i don't actually feel like binging or going crazy with caffeine or getting drunk or whatever. i'm sure i would, if i had the opportunity, but at the moment i'm not overwhelmed with thoughts of those behaviours.

i honestly don't think i did it to punish myself, but it does feel a bit sad. i don't think it was something done just out of the blue with no warning. i had recurrent thoughts about cancelling it all. it was difficult for me to look at the trip with a feeling of anticipation. that just wasn't there. it was more like it was something to endure, for the sake of trying to stimulate myself in some different way. and i guess it still wasn't a bad idea, isn't, but i don't want to keep going back and forth on it, and henceforth perhaps melbourne will be a symbol in my life of one of the things i set in motion and then stopped. i couldn't call gk late at night to discuss it with him before doing it. it would have been too much of an imposition, and i didn't actually want to call him. i preferred the idea of the act of destruction. it's just so awkward to talk to him, even if he's the only one who will put up with my

it often makes me feel bad in a way that feels serious. makes me feel that i've got to get away, and if i can't then i can't respect myself, but that leads to a chain of all the ways in life i can't respect myself and it feels too difficult to overcome

but, there's another part that says i'm taking everything too seriously. i was going to go on a trip, i found i wasn't ready, and so i cancelled it. i can take another trip in the future. for now, i can explore some other parts of my personality, maybe those i try to deny or

how do i handle my phone call tonight. i feel dread. i am afraid of his disappointment and fear. both of those will feel heavy to me, like heavy weights when i'm already struggling to get out from under my own fears that it will be a very long time until i'm able to try again, my own judgement that i'm a loser.

what right does anyone have to expect me to do what's most positive or what makes sense? especially if you've seen my patterns and know my issues? it really doesn't make sense to expect much of anything positive out of me that is consistent. but it is natural for humans to like it when things seem to be going more smoothly.

and i know that something could still happen, that i could find out i won't get any refund on the apartment, and maybe i'll just go. things can change, the tide can turn and turn back many times between now and then.

but i hate the back and forth, and that's why i try to sort it all out as early as possible, and to focus as much as possible once i've made a decision. make the decision, then once that part is over, try to start focusing. and i haven't been able to this time.

it's partly about a twisted sense of responsibility, to warn everyone of what i can or can't do as far in advance as possible, but it's also a kind of damage control, maybe, to get as much done while i can before some big breakdown or crisis occurs. to get the obligations out of the way.

i don't know if just losing weight would be enough, or if losing weight and working out would be enough. i feel that it's an important part, but sometimes i've been able to cope almost at a moment's notice and things have been semi-ok even if i haven't been thin or fit.

why do i always balk at writing it out? in my mind i often think that i did find a good match for me, and that maybe with some kind of commitment we might or i might

but wouldn't i as soon as i made a decision fight against it?

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i find that i'm so used to feeling bad that i'm not sure i could feel i deserve to feel good, these aren't the right words, i will try to keep going just not to block, it's almost like a fear of feeling really good because the crash will be worse. because i know that anything good is not realistically sustainable for me. and for so long now the 'highs' have really been old lows which i see as highs in comparison to the new lows.

i think i do want to meet someone new. i probably do want that kind of high again, but not while i'm in the condition i'm in. unless i can focus very well, and start doing something about it right away. but i have this

i don't really want it to happen now, it's more like i'm not really thinking about it consciously, i just know it's still there waiting, that it probably won't just stop or when it does i'll probably be able to let go of life completely, and it won't be

i don't want to go through the turmoil at present. i'm not ready for it, and i

i don't see it coming from anywhere anyway. it may be a long time before it happens again. actually, i feel relieved that i at least have peace in that area at present.

i haven't had coffee for about 44 hrs, i think. i have a little bit of a headache at present. i'm going to see how it develops, and if i start feeling sick, i might have a further scaled down iced coffee later. maybe i can just have coffee every other day and keep scaling it down

but what's the point? now that i've cut the trip out of my life, doesn't it leave me won't i just break down, won't all the behaviours i've been trying to control start up again

am i a child pathetically wishing for some kind of guidance, direction

help

but it seems no one can help, and that the most qualified person to figure it out is me, and if i can't then i'm probably shit out of luck.

yesterday, before i cancelled everything, i had been thinking i might go out today and buy supplies. today, i'm more inclined to wait until gk's return. why is that? and i think that while it was still up in the air, i wanted to still give myself as much of a chance as possible to prepare. with food, it's better to get a binge out of the way as early as possible, and then try to have an unbroken run of 'health' and mental focus. but if there's no trip, there's no urgency, and so i can wait a bit longer. these periods of deprivation probably help to stabilize my weight in a way, or to undo some of or

anyway. what if i said to gk that this time i don't want to be holding on by my fingernails, at the mercy of always fearing i'm going to lose control. what if we decide to try to make this a priority, and work on it until something is worked out. and if we put in our best effort together to figure something out

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i have realized that lately my urges to binge have been less excessive. even before gk went away, and i think it may be because my weight has increased or because i've been loading my shrunken fat cells with fat and they're all plumped out again, or something along those lines.

i still crave things like coffee, alcohol, chocolate, etc, but i think i could possibly manage to just eat reasonable portions, that it could go either way depending on the circumstances, rather than feeling it's absolutely necessary to consume huge quantities

i suppose that tells me something. but if we suppose that there are things i cannot change about my thinking then we have a stalemate. it's not like i haven't realized it before, the correlation between attempting to lose weight followed by increased binging. but i can create 'highs' or 'hope' only when it seems i'm not stuck forever at a 'normal' weight. those are the best times.

so, i need to try some other solution, or find some way to accept.

however, i will point out that going outside on a regular basis and certain other life stresses may make binging necessary, no matter what my weight.

one of the times i was heaviest in my life, i was b/p 14 times a day.

but if we decide to make it a priority. i have a basic idea of how to approach it that is forming in my mind. i will bring it up with gk.

just say stop. no more hanging on by the fingernails, no more stop start, we deal with this problem now. make it a priority. it's not that we haven't tried before, or that i haven't tried before, but we need to do something differently.

maybe the focus in a way is that 'it is now a priority'. we will work on this together, and at this time everything else is secondary to working something out.

am i just going to accept that i will never be able to live alone and store food in my place except perhaps weet-bix and longlife milk? what about when gk goes away? will we have to lock things up forever? some things are adaptations, but i only meant for any of them to be temporary. it was always that i was going to be thin soon, and then i'd really live and all of these measures wouldn't be necessary. how long do i let this go on?

the idea the desperate idea of a trip isn't bad, new stimuli is one way to shake things up. but it was something planned in desperation because i didn't know what else to do. it *is* something that represents things i would do if i was able, if i could travel lots of places, but i would somehow like to enjoy the trip more than the sydney trip, not just appreciate it in an intellectual way.

'i just don't fit in, dad' or whatever i said when invited to dinner. i think he understood, and was maybe sad. i know he did the best he could. i know he had a generous spirit in a lot of ways, and that he tried to share his own personal knowledge with us. i just went through things that made me fit in less and less, in ways that were impossible to hide, and in ways that made even the odd card or letter or father's day greeting seem wrong, not fitting, not representative of that which could not be hidden.

we don't speak the same language. the family language is something i remember but the structure of it doesn't allow for me to

be heard.

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why was the most valiant attempt to reach out to me, why did it come from someone who was not even an original member? but i do get the reasons. and they represent a weakness, a family flaw, which is ironic.

the 'priority'. isn't it already doomed from the start? because of all the conflicting parts of the personality and body?

and i can say that usually i try to take it on myself, think of it as my problem, my control issue.. and that this time i will try to ask for gk's help in a different way.

and it may be just one more twist and turn, that will reveal the underlying perverse nature. but, is it wrong for me to keep going with the inspiration or idea when it comes, and to change plans, and try to go with it all? without some kind of outside insight or help, what else can i do?

would it surprise people to know that this is probably my 'natural' way of life, my usual approach? that i keep that i can't shut off

and nothing goes far enough, right?

good ideas, no follow through. but is it that, or is there some other principle that is expressing itself through me? i don't think it's just random confusion. i think it is something

i do realize that even if i give gk as much info to work with as possible, it's probably going to be difficult for him to spot the warning signs. if things went well for a month or two, and i started to feel

it might be easy to fall into old patterns, when i think more time would be better, to help break the patterns

but is that even realistic? won't i always look forward to certain indulgences the way i probably won't ever give up on the idea of death being the best option for me?

i don't think the vomiting needs to be part of it. that i think i could do without. and i probably could just look forward to

but it would always be an option, in case i ate too much and felt

cut the fucking crap. what is it you want. i want to be thin and fit and i want to find some kind of way of expressing myself that reflects who i want to be, and i want to die in that state, freeze that moment of expression in time. i think. while i'm alive i think i'll occasionally wonder about connection and romance and even sex, but i no longer really think those things are realistic.

but i also think i want an easy death to just come to me.

and the rest, working on the house, websites, travel, etc, those are all parts of who i am also, but at this point i would just jump if i had the chance to die.

it looks like until i can make a really strong decision, really focus on it, that i have to go with what i can while i can, maybe slowly eliminating all last options, all last dregs of life.

and again, the life support scenario.

and again, the but

this last part of my life since i flew across the world, has probably been the most interesting and i would not take it back. if i could go back and be 21 all over, i would not want to do it if it meant missing this last part. even with all the problems, i'm not sure i can really imagine having a life that would have been more interesting.

i would not go back and be a teenager. the obvious part would be to try to go on the exchange, but even with what i know about people and life now, i think there is some principle or expression of life i represent that would be bound to come out.

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also, at present, to go back with my present mind, it would be a novelty momentarily, but i think my depression is too severe and that i would have the same need to get out.

or that the ways i see people and life without some further key in translation, would isolate me.

i've been feeling lately like i'm tempted to use the small electric heater at times, close the door to this room and plug it in, but i'm probably not really in dire need of it. maybe something for some time when it's colder, or more difficult to handle. i am probably warm enough in my coat, and there's no sense in coaxing my metabolism to slow down even further.

1400 calorie total yesterday.

when i start reducing calories, i do notice that i tend to feel colder.

14:20 i am feeling a bit queasy. it may be manageable. headache in spite of paracetamol.

15:03 feeling sicker. it might be manageable, but i might be a chicken and have a coffee soon. almost made it through 48 hrs.

15:47 had a coffee a few minutes after last entry and feel much better now.

when we are presented with guidelines as to how many servings from each food group we require for optimum health, and we are told diets don't work, that we should learn to listen to our bodies' hunger signals and to work on any issues we may have with emotional overeating, it doesn't take into account that the healthy servings may exceed a caloric amount that the body can absorb without gaining weight, and especially as we age that we may need to cut things way down

that when young it's much easier usually to lose weight quickly

or that there are so many food choices available and so many snack foods or fat choices available that the proportions can be difficult to master. all of these signals that tell us certain things taste good, and add to happiness in life, and many of those fun foods have to be 'enjoyed' in portions that take the fun out of them.

what if it is a human predilection to sometimes crave large amounts of fun foods, and not to just be sensible all the time, even in our excesses?

or even to prefer to eat moderate amounts of unhealthy foods rather than the prescribed amount of food from each food group?

is that partly what causes or is at the root of differences in personality, appearance,

but, a guideline is just a guideline, and what is good for one is not necessarily optimum for everyone.

i now have this idea that maybe i could write back and say that i have decided that i will fly back for the wedding, and not cancel the trip. but i am afraid. afraid of the back and forth, afraid it will just be a huge mess, afraid of the stress of having to live up to something once i've made a commitment to it.

in a way, the idea of just going for two weeks seems more manageable. but i wanted to go to the different places. fuck. i hate this back and forth. i hate being so flaky. which is why the need for concentration, focus, before making any kind of decision, so that i don't have to put anyone else through it, or put myself through it.

i suppose life is full of flaky people, and that some of them don't worry about their flakiness or about putting others out.

maybe i've learned a new trick now. try to wait 48 hrs or so until i start getting sick, and then take caffeine. because the contrast is very noticeable.

i don't have anything to do. i can't stretch out nothing activities. it's 17:37. in approximately one hour, i could have supplies. if i just went out walking now. i'm not sure i will tonight, though, or rather, i think it's unlikely i will. i want things, but am waiting, and while waiting, while stuck in this kind of stress i sometimes prefer not to act or it's like i need a level of completion to act as a trigger

but probably it's about how unpleasant it is to walk to the shops. and if i wait a few more days, i won't have to. but i am hungry. and sick of weet-bix.

at present things could go in many different ways, depending on the info i receive back. i honestly don't know what i want to do, and i suppose i will let outside influences push me along until i make

until some sort of plan stands out from everything else.

maybe i can still

and the best thing is to write immediately and say wait, don't cancel it, don't make it available to others, i will come

but that is too much of the back and forth, and will taint the overall picture if i do go, and will make it brutally difficult if i need to cancel again.

so i will wait calmly for a response, and then i will decide how to proceed.

i take multivitamins. i only recently started taking them again. i am taking two per day because of all the abuse i inflicted on my system recently. i also continue to take iron supplements.

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20/06/06

she's too damaged.

no one can fix her.

no one could love her.

i can't love her.

[a hundred million billion bottles washed upon the shore.]

damp and cold today. thoughts all over the place. conflict, war, no idea what to do, what to choose.

a few leaves brought into the large possum box. last year, some time before ginger brought cocoa into the large box a few leaves were brought in. maybe cocoa will bring her baby to that box. i wonder what purpose the leaves serve. maybe they are just toys for the baby, or for the baby to practice eating grownup food. maybe it has something to do with chewing or teething? [it's such a small amount of leaves that it doesn't look like it would act as insulation or as cushioning.]

back and forth. i want out of this. today, it's like i want to undo all of the recent cancellation, in a way, and try again.

but at the same time, i may find it very hard to get through this day, bleh.

the randomness of the universe. maybe it is, maybe it isn't. at times it seems like we must have big signs pointing us out, because

out of all the people we come into contact, why do very few

how do we zero in, especially if consciously the ones who end up in our lives may not be those we consciously were drawn to?

and it seems there must be some kind of unconscious communication, an intricate system

my website is a filing system, a memory system, a language and i think that possibly the structure of it may influence, even if the content does not. unconsciously maybe. esoterica woooooooooo.

so perhaps in an unconscious way, parts of me have been shared and will be passed on, or parts of me that represent certain kinds of principles or energy or matter

is it the first day of summer in the northern hemisphere? or is it tomorrow?

sometimes it is helpful not to take things too seriously. does it help anything to feel guilt and distress about my flakiness? people who run hotels have to deal with cancellations all the time, for all kinds of reasons. it's an annoyance, but goes with the territory. and for the most part, i respond in a reasonable and prompt manner.

why the feeling that one day i will even eat the possum gingerbread? that i can set aside *nothing* as sacred indefinitely?

am i destructive by nature? is destruction an element of my particular creativity? creative destruction...

is it a rebellion against everything?

maybe i should run today. pack a bag and out the door

the name xesce the first day of summer in 1998. i have often thought the first or last day of summer would be a good day to die.

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i must admit, i feel very desperate today. i think i'm stressed about not getting an email response.

it would be a great happiness to see ginger. however, maybe i'm not all that sad at not seeing her. i am glad to have had the experience of getting to know her. if any possum could choose a new territory and live successfully, it's probably ginger. but even if she died, i think of her as independent in a way, i think of her as possibly teaching cocoa and kulfi how to survive, and maybe even leaving them to this territory. hehe we are all convinced of the specialness of our own pets.

i want to tell gk about the leaves. i think it may be pleasing for him to think about cocoa and her baby in the nestbox.

i have a small headache. i may take paracetamol and try to avoid caffeine today.

[took it. i also have menstrual cramps, so two birds.]

i have this

what is it, a compulsion? some weird accumulative urge, or something related to occasions. if i could 'make it through' the time in melbourne, make it to the wedding, make it to sydney to go to the hellfire club with gk, if i could go on a trip to europe, if i could make it through a party here in the house

if i could make it through all of those experiences, it's like an accomplishment, but what the fuck is it? it's like i'm trying to endure and make it through, partly to say i did it, partly to please gk, but is it like a material acquisition urge, except with experiences? do you know what i mean? that i'm not actually doing it for the experiences themselves, i'm doing it to add to a list, because i'm desperate, because i don't know how to get enjoyment in life and if i at least accomplish things, things that will all turn to dust as everything does,

do you see where i'm going with this? i can see this part of me that barring actual enjoyment seeks to accumulate experiences as a sort of shield and protection and just in case. almost like a religious armour, maybe. but is there any life in me, and do i want to do anything?

and even if i do want to do things in a way, if the stress overshadows things, eliminates the possibility for enjoyment, isn't it the same in a way as not really wanting to do things, because the things aren't really going to be enjoyable? which is probably why i need to introduce as many drugs into my life as possible, and keep your pathetic weak brain damaging legal crap to yourself thank you very much. i mean, drugs might help the travel experience. which is partly why it's good to have been detoxed from coffee, so i can get a high. but i put that off and it's only 3 weeks.

it feels very cold today. it's a little under 18 C here, but maybe the dampness related to all the rain is making it feel colder.

if it's raining where he is, gk may be coming home later than thursday.

i know he would like to make chicken parmigiana when he returns, and apple strudel (fuck, why can't i spell?) for dessert. it's like the pressure of committing to a dinner throws me off, can put all my schedule off and fill me with fear.

because i'm always hoping that soon i will focus and try to lose weight. that meal represents a certain amount of calories... it's like i have to have it as an indulgent meal, and then start reducing calories afterward. so until that dinner is over with, it hangs over my head as a kind of problem and source of stress, so that when the dinner actually comes, it's not something enjoyable, it's something i have to get through so that i can do something about myself.

i think a lot of people take for granted that they can just eat meals without any of this crap attached to it,

there have been times when i was here with gk when i just tried to eat moderate amounts and walk for exercise, and sometimes it's reasonably ok, and

but at the back of my mind, there's always

when will i focus, when will i at least be moving forward toward changing myself

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all those dinners when younger and i ate sparingly at relatives' places, even though i wasn't thin, and when i got home i might have binged... it was always because i wanted to try, any moment i could to be moving forward. and if an occasion fell

it was always like some big weight around my neck. and sometimes i would budget an indulgent day in, i'd have to mentally prepare much in advance, and if i missed exercise, it was a downward slope and

why not just say i just can't eat any regular meals there is too much stress involved, i just can't until i get this problem sorted? and that's partly where the weet-bix comes in. all the complications of normal meals are very stressful. the more variation, the more difficult it is for me to keep to a pattern, the more difficult to control.

ideally, yes, people would be easygoing about it, eat one thing one day another the next, with fluctuations and not worry about it, but unless you actually live this way, the way i do with the kind of stress you've tried to be easygoing about, but somehow it just doesn't work in practice.

it's not even a matter of pointing out how ridiculous it all is, how much time has gone by, how it doesn't seem there's anything to prove or win or lose in life at this point.

i resent normal home-cooked meals because if i can't be thin i don't want it to be because of suburban home cooking. it doesn't feel like love and caring, it feels like a torture that keeps me fat or looking average. that keeps me from enjoying life. with all the obligations associated with house food, it feels heavy i feel angry, scared, trapped about how stuck it feels.

a lot of gk's meals are tasty. i don't know why i balk at eating them most of the time. i have tried to teach what portions i need. i hate putting us both in that position and the stress of it makes me turn to the weet-bix, or to just eating junk food. i try to eat his dinners sometimes as a concession, or to try to be less selfish and to do things his way, or to try to please him or make him happy. but it's so hard. because as soon as i agree to something, it causes me stress, and i don't really feel like i want to eat the meal, i want to lose control and eat something else. my life ends up being on hold until the chicken parmigiana meal is over with.

and it goes on and on.

i think i probably in reality don't want to eat meat very often. and that when i do, i'd probably prefer it be in a cheeseburger.

i feel very cold at the moment.

i have an urge to go shopping today. maybe i could call a taxi. do they take credit cards these days?

if gk's return is much delayed, it will be difficult.

the back and forth. i feel very distressed, undecided. i got the package in the mail, the receipt and the map [for the cancelled apartment]. and i like the look of the map, the layout, and i can remember walking around sydney, and i think i sort of want

can i just make myself start focusing and preparing now? is it realistic? or am i too far out of control?

what if i ordered two for one pizzas tonight and walked to the close store, bought alcohol and dessert? and it is exactly 3 weeks from tomorrow. maybe i could still go?

it's a torture.

if i stay here, will gk and i really come up with anything we haven't before, will i really get any closer

how much longer in life will things be put off

but does it matter if it's later? if i've waited this long? and shouldn't i stop stressing and panicking about everything?

the procedure is that she waits in the apartment and i come up. what if it's awkward, what if there are embarrassing questions?

do i want to go?

right now, i would like to have a nice coffee. if i was somewhere like the apartment in melbourne, i could go for a walk and find one quite easily. nearby. everybody has fears. a lot of people think they aren't ready or good enough to or don't belong in some of the places they imagine they'd like to be but why do i want to be there? if i do? it's boring here a lot of the time, but

i will try to wait and talk to gk today. maybe through talking i will calm down and figure something out.

ugh, everything is agonizing at the moment, just making a stupid decision even about whether to go to the store tonight. half an hour, is probably all it would take to walk there and back.

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i just remembered something. when i was living alone at age 21, i remember trying to plan ahead for my abrasive ex's birthday. i was going to bake him a cake. i bought the ingredients when i had money, but then it was like i couldn't hold on, even though i knew it was important. i felt the need to bake the cake and eat it myself.

18:09 another embarrassing moment for me. i went out to get food and alcohol and was attacked by a dog. there were two of them barking. they were medium-large muscular-looking dogs. one just ran right at me. i'm not even sure what happened. i was carrying my large, thick backpack in my hand, rather than wearing it on my back and i don't know if i actually unconsciously made some effort to shield myself with it or what, but the dog sunk its teeth into the bag and ran off with it. still barking, barking, and i was yelling help like an idiot. i didn't know what to do and i was very scared, because the dog dropped the bag and looked like it might run at me again, and the other dog was still barking [i stopped walking and faced the dogs when i became aware of the barking - this is my usual response to this type of situation. this is the first time a dog has run at me.]

and finally it was like both dogs went inside or were called in.

a guy came out and an older woman to see what had happened and i said that his dog attacked me. that i wasn't bitten, but that the dog had run off with my bag and that i had been scared by the incident. i ended up grovelling, saying that maybe i overreacted, what a fucking moron i am. i mean, the dogs were barking savagely, one ran at me right up to me and grabbed my backpack and then dropped it and it could have come at me again if it hadn't been called in. the guy said something about just getting out of hospital, and i think that had something to do with why the dogs weren't tied up or why they were out roaming or whatever.

he kept asking me if i was alright, and i said yes, that i was just scared.

so i went on to do my shopping. i was kind of shaken. i was afraid that on the way back i would be attacked again, but i wasn't. [the dogs may have been rottweilers. they reminded me of them, were probably at least of a similar size and build.]

one thing that bothers me is that when shopping i wonder if i'm becoming less human to people, not making eye contact or making an effort to show a moment's warmth. i think it's because my self- esteem is worse and self-consciousness prevents or makes me concentrate on just getting in and out as much as possible, but

or maybe i'm changing.

but i always thought i would make an effort even if i felt self- conscious to treat people as individuals when i could, to try to be kind

i think the shaky feeling is still with me a little, but mostly i'm recovered. the first part of the mission is accomplished. next i need to try to order pizzas.

it occurred to me that i could ring gk early rather than wait for his call, that i had a good 'excuse' - the dog attack. but i think i'm really more upset or distressed by the choice i need to make. and i'd probably honestly be calling for mostly that reason.

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i might ring him early anyway. it's probably not a good idea on the first day of the crush, though. that is, if they started crushing.

i purchased some things from the bakery (chocolate mudcake slice, vanilla slice and a cheesecake slice), a box of 'special' chocolate cookies, fancy ones, and more milk so i don't have to mix my kilkenny cream with longlife milk. two pizzas and i'm all set. and maybe this is the last chance to try to focus. 3 weeks is a significant period.

just... looking at the little map that was sent to me with the receipt, it looks like the setup is quite good. but looking at the map, i felt drawn to the area, to the idea of some

ugh, this back and forth is a horror. i'm sure it's evident why i prefer to make hard decisions, and then force myself to focus.

the one dog especially was moving quickly and unpredictably, darting around. there was no way for me to know it wouldn't bite me. maybe i just don't have a good sense for these things. i suppose it was natural to be scared. i feel embarrassed though about the way i was yelling help help like an idiot. and the way i dismissed it all after by saying i might have overreacted a bit. i didn't overreact. it was a natural response to the situation.

the bag might have preoccupied the dog for a moment, but it dropped the bag and did look like it might come back at me. if i hadn't alerted the owner to my predicament, the dogs might not have been called off.

i admit that i might have details wrong, it all is fuzzy to me and i only know that in the situation, i felt scared. it felt like a dangerous situation to me.

[this was not the first occurrence in the neighbourhood for me. two times while out walking with gk, two rottweilers behaved in a similar fashion. in one instance, we backed away slowly. in the other, every move we made was 'wrong', and we were forced to stay rooted in the spot until the owner came out or someone came out to bring the dogs in. later, gk went to the place and was told the dogs had gotten out accidentally. gk's mother's dogs, after her death, were attacked by a rottweiler. his brother-in-law was walking the dogs, and one of them was killed. to me it sounded like he kept his head and did all he could.]

it's not too early, i mean it might not be an unreasonable time to ring gk? i'm ok, i should probably hold on and wait a little longer so that it's more convenient for him. if he doesn't ring by 19:00? but he may not ring until 19:30 or later tonight and i'm not sure i can wait

it is 17 C and it's still early. i think i might spoil myself tonight and use the electric heater in my room.

20:08 waiting for pizza. i can't usually relax until after it's delivered. i get up and check a lot. it will still be another 20 minutes or so, but it might be early. [it was early by around 15 min.]

i have the heater on. it is already warm in here. just try to pass a little time and then go check.

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21/06/06

00:14 i had the 9.8 drinks in 1 1/2-2 hrs. i noticed quite an aftertaste, although it may be better than father o'leary's shaving cream. maybe when you've been vomiting or overindulging these particular products are particularly foul. although sometimes i know that when i'm fantasizing about drinking, it's the chocolate milkshake taste that i'm fantasizing about more than anything.

a new day, a new possibility. and maybe i will be going on the trip after all.

i think i do want to go, and that stress overwhelms me and sucks all the pleasure out of everything, but it probably will be good to shake things up a little and see what happens.

and so, into the fray one more time.

i'm going to fucking do it.

i'm scared about a lot of things. but i'm going to go.

blonde brunette redhead. with all the options these days it's still apparent that there is something hard to shake about the symbolism or impact of these particular absolutes.

it was work working my way through the food. but there are aspects to the whole that shouldn't be overlooked. when i let go and eat everything, there *is* a feeling of release. for that period of time, maybe an hour, i don't try to control myself, i don't

i can be bad.

what if you decide to just see what would happen if you allowed yourself your appetite? i can sort of imagine, and at the same time, i can see the benefit in making an effort to fight against that which is the path of least resistance.

part of the whole experience is in the choosing, and in the anticipation and the idea that you will choose when you will allow yourself to lose control. i have decided to be bad. there's a lot of time before you actually start eating.

and probably many of the initial stages are important to the whole.

not probably. i know there's something, the thinking about, the planning, the anticipation.

but i do want to experience something else. i want to feel less restricted. i want life to flow for a while.

what if not just for a while, but from now on?

i'm watching videos, a guy sings why do people who read dostoyevsky look like dostoyevsky look like dostoyevsky?

do i look like dostoyevsky? maybe in the sense of not culturally ideal. maybe in the sense of not conveying with the appearance the 'genius' within. [btw, that seems to have been one of his personal bugaboos.] haha. [btw, calling cocoa the 'draggle-ear' is related to me reading dostoyevsky in bulk earlier this year. gk fetched a lot of e-texts for me. as i read through them, i often commented here and there about what i was reading, to gk. a term that kept coming up was 'draggletail' or 'draggletail cockerel' and i found it somewhat amusing. gk shared my amusement, and i this is partly what inspired him to come up with 'draggle-ear'.]

but tedious though he may be, dostoyevsky is someone whose rhythm feels familiar to me, more familiar than most other rhythms. and the directions. the diversity.

what is my great idea?

hahha.

i'm going to do it.

what's good about rage is that it presents new australian videos with the current american and other videos and doesn't put any spin on any of it, leaving the viewer/listener to form their own opinion without being influenced by what is hip or popular around the globe and especially in amerika.

ok, there's more to rage than that.

i feel that i am drunken. i don't mind. my muscular control isn't optimum.

i'm not going back to unsatisfying relationships.

it's better to do without. that's probably evident in more ways than one by now.

woohooo it's past my usual bedtime.

12:40 (i went to bed a little after 3:30 i think.) as usual i feel like an idiot when i wake up after drinking. heh, with good reason. it's a sad and lonely feeling when i wake up the next day. and i also feel embarrassed.

but, there's a little possum in one of the nestboxes. i'm not sure yet which possum it is.

i check my email, the one i wrote last night. it's not totally out of touch with reality or

it's still within the bounds of

but why should i want to pass for 'normal'? in all things, if i just let myself

if i don't try to be acceptable

probably not all people require, need or want all the people they have contact with to communicate in boring acceptable ways.

if anything, i come across as very plain, boring, normal, probably.

you can't fake having a personality ha.

i'm not stressed today. i feel focused. i'm going to go unless i am told the place has already been rented to someone else. but even waiting for the confirmation at present isn't difficult. partly i may feel very worn out by the whole situation.

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22/06/06

i feel focused. it feels like i can do it. i managed to salvage the situation in email so that it doesn't feel awkward to me (this is very much due to the other person involved - usually there are people i find easier to communicate with than others, for an endless combination of reasons, and so far while i'm a bit intimidated because she's a creative person and is making a living, i think things are going well), and i am now moving forward without feeling stressed by all the odds and ends.

i exercised for 3 hours today. one weight tape, two aerobics tapes and one yoga. i didn't overexert myself, and don't feel exhausted now. during aerobics, my heart rate stayed closer to the lower end of my range. (108-120 bpm approx. during the 'aerobic' parts) during yoga, i found that i got cold. it's 18 C in the house. there are strenuous moments, certain poses are challenging to hold, but there's a lot of relaxation time, and i was uncomfortably cold at the end. it was probably good i did the other exercise first, to warm up all the muscles. i am still fairly flexible.

while exercising, my mental chatter can be stressful. i remember embarrassing incidents, feel little competitive twinges, or uneasiness about various things or think of times when i don't think people understood what i was saying or i suspect that they underestimated me, or that they didn't understand the situation, and it's like i want to explain or stick up for myself.. and i also have thoughts related to exercise, how i can see it's not so difficult, and i can work up to doing more, and i make all these little plans in my mind about exercise that go off in a lot of directions, and basically, what happens often is that it's like there's expansion in various directions related to 'positive' and 'negative' feelings or situations. if i exercise for a considerable period, i think it's like i battle it all out and come out ok for a while. i often like to sit still for a little while at the end, drink water and it does seem possible for me to relax at that time. i do generally have a feeling of accomplishment and well-being. the mental chatter has switched over to a less stressful state. however, today i found it too cold to sit around afterward.

i think i'm in one of those periods when i'm able to stay focused for a certain length of time. i feel that i can handle 3 weeks.

one thing that occurred to me today was that when i'm in melbourne, my ex will turn 40.

19:40 gk's flight is a bit delayed. i will probably eat chicken parmigiana and strudel tomorrow, allowing about 400 calories for the chicken, small portion, and 200-300 for a small slice of strudel. even tonight, i could possibly eat something other than weet-bix. i have approx. 500-600 calories left to fill out 1200 today. no coffee today. 1200 calories yesterday. i am in a different headspace, and for the moment able to be a little more flexible (!) in that i don't have to eat only weet-bix.

but soon, within a week, i will try to reduce calories.

i remembered today that once when i was preparing for sydney i felt like my body was shutting down, i felt a weird muscular weakness, it felt odd. i decided to eat a little more that day, but reduced again soon after. i decided not to do a strenuous aerobics tape - probably would have been able to do it if i had been eating more - but to keep it low intensity, long duration while i was eating around 500 calories a day. i think for a while i was exercising 5 hours a day, and the day i threw a really hard workout into that mix might have had an effect on me feeling like my body was breaking down. anyway, i recovered from that little blip.

i notice that in recent years i lose upper body strength fast. i can remember a time when i could do pushups on my knees almost indefinitely, i didn't seem to get tired. it sucks when you realize you can hardly do any compared

anyway. i might be stiff tomorrow or the day after. the weight workout has that effect when i haven't been doing it for some time.

i'm hungry at the moment, but waiting until gk arrives in case i eat something other than weet-bix for dinner. most of the time when he comes back, i know i will soon have binge foods. tonight is ok even though i'm not focused that way.

i think my main stress is in figuring out what to do with my hair for the trip, because i think i really should put some effort into finally doing something about it. i am waiting for inspiration to come.

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24/06/06

approx. 1200 calories yesterday, and 3 hours of exercise. stiffness most noticeable in shoulders and pecs. no caffeine.

today i feel a bit sick, which might be related to reducing calories and exercising so much, to caffeine withdrawal, or to a little of both. i'm going to wait a bit longer to see how it develops. 12:44 at present.

i experience doubts and temptations, but it feels like one of those times when i'm able to shut it all out well enough for a certain period of time.

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25/06/06

i went shopping with gk yesterday. i now have a mobile phone. we also got an answering machine, and my voice is on the recording that goes out. which is weird, considering the telephone phobia.

we had coffee and dessert. i had a skinnycino or however they spell it, and a lowfat muffin. i probably didn't even need the coffee, i might have been detoxed enough. i hope having it yesterday didn't make things worse for the detox. i haven't had coffee today and will try to avoid having it.

i just worked yesterday's 'indulgences' into my daily total. i didn't do structured exercise, but walked in the mall, and walked around the neighbourhood later with gk.

i felt awkward and heavy when i started out. when i chose something to wear, i could see the difference the weight gain makes, and it bothered me a lot. i hate that feeling that i'm big and cumbersome and that i am exposed. however, once we had some coffee i probably relaxed a bit. it's just that i felt a need to get out of the house, and i guess that overrode my discomfort.

i have already exercised for 3 hours today.

i notice that i feel the cold more on the days i exercise. i guess my body temperature goes up during exercise, and the contrast makes me feel cold later.

i am thinking about reducing calories as soon as possible. i am managing to keep to about 1200. i weighed myself before that last excess, and my weight was up to 52.4 - before the excess. and i could easily have gained another kilogram with that excess. today i was at 52.2 kg. it's depressing in a way because i know that there is not enough time to lose much weight. i'll be at a weight i don't really like for my trip. although anything lower than now is better than staying the same. but is it really so much of a difference?

it seems like my body finds it very difficult to lose weight at more than 1 1/2 lbs per week. i do the math, and it doesn't make sense. if i go down to 1200 calories and exercise a little, it makes some sense, but it would seem that 3 hours of exercise per day would cause more of a loss. and when i go down to 500 calories and work out 3 or 5 hours, it seems like i should lose more than 1 1/2 lbs per week. (on a few occasions, i've been able to lose about 2 lbs per week that way, but not more. it's been many years since i was able to lose 3 lbs a week.) my only ideas are that my metabolism is slowing down, or that i am actually losing more weight than that, but also gaining muscle at the same time, so that the scale doesn't show much of a change. but my body's appearance always looks like i still have so far left to go.

it's always shocking to hear your voice if you're not used to it. in my head, my voice sounds deeper, more textured. as for hearing it played back... it's not a sexy voice, it's not a voice bursting with personality. at best, it probably sounds open, sensitive, non- threatening. but there are also wobbly, weak notes to it. i hope that in different circumstances it has more range.

i have to get through 27-31 days. and the pattern will repeat, i'll probably have a period of excess. and we will not have decided about changing things between us, but in the meantime, life will be more eventful than usual, and at present that looks like a good thing.

i think there is a buzz associated with exercise, and i like it, but it also looks like i prefer other highs these days. maybe it's because i can't reach a certain level of fitness any more, or because i don't exert myself as i used to, partly because as i age i'm worried about injuries, and partly because i think i'll burn more fat working at low intensity for a long duration, and partly because i always end up reducing calories enough that i feel weak, and easier workouts are easier to do without risking injury or some other problem.

anyway, at the moment i'm doing ok. as far as ok for me goes.

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26/06/06

i've been staying in bed even when awake in the morning because it's a bit difficult to motivate myself to exercise. it's cold and uncomfortable, which doesn't help.

i was thrown for a loop today when i found out gk had to leave in a few hours. i had enough time to exercise and get it over with first, but i freaked out, caved under the pressure. when i exercise, gk goes into his office, and shuts a door that seals off the main part of the house. we didn't used to do this - but in the last couple of years i've felt a more intense need for privacy when exercising. partly because i'm getting older, partly because i haven't gotten any further, and partly because i haven't put enough effort into finding exercise outfits that make me feel better about myself. i still have exercise outfits from when i first came here.

i have a couple of new things, but didn't want to wear them yet

some of the bottoms look better with a tank top, and it's too cold for tank tops at present. for one reason.

i think that if you like your exercise outfit, it also helps to improve performance. for a long time, it seems like i've just always done the bare minimum, not really trying to push myself or do the exercises with a kind of attention to detail and maybe a little flourish. i think in an exercise class i'd probably make more of an effort. but on my own, year after year, with results that never really go far enough... it's difficult to do much even though i still make an effort at times.

that's part of what the stress/freak out was about. i was worried i wouldn't be able to concentrate on exercise if i felt gk needed to get into the other part of the house to pack, and just the timeframe stressed me, like i had no choice but to do the block of exercise immediately, or i'd risk throwing myself off track and giving up on my trip.

and i hate that it is that way, and i can see the possibilities for being more spontaneous or open to different ways of doing things, but in reality i know the nature of the beast that i'm dealing with, and what makes sense isn't always or even often what i can do in such circumstances.

but i managed to get through the 3 hours. it was a relief. at least for now i still have the possibility of a trip.

i am trying to push from my mind that there isn't time for me to feel pleased with my results, and that when i get there i probably won't enjoy things like coffee or food and may even 'starve' myself again until the wedding celebration, like i did in sydney before my birthday. i think the object is to try to get to some stage where i feel pleased with what i have done, pleased with my effort, and then i will *really* be able to enjoy food and coffee for a while.

when i was derailed, it was like i couldn't think of any reasons that made what i was aiming at seem worthwhile. i knew i should just shut up and start jumping around, but i couldn't seem to do it. i finally did make an attempt to snap myself out of it. i said that i would just stop talking, and if gk would go down and shut the door, i would try to just exercise now. and i managed, but before that, i was freaking out because i didn't know if i could motivate myself to exercise right that moment for a 3 hour block, and if you just for a second start to think about all the weirdness related to that...

it's more than 48 hours since i had coffee. i feel ok. i had a bit of a headache last night, but i seem to be ok today. maybe it was difficult to motivate myself in part because of caffeine withdrawal. it does seem to make depression more noticeable. than usual.

i felt a bit lethargic during my exercise. it may have been related to eating less food, and exercising regularly for the last while, maybe it's all catching up. it also may have been related to not having coffee. [oh, the other day when i had coffee and muffin, i didn't totally finish all of either. normally, gk eats a portion of my dessert, and he did on saturday as well, plus he finished up my coffee, which is normally totally finished by me. this is misleading, because normally we share both our desserts, but in the time it takes to totally finish both, gk usually ends up eating a larger portion than me. on saturday, i didn't try his regular fat muffin.]

the shoulders and pecs probably become more stiff than anything else because i combine a weight workout with an aerobic workout with handheld weights right after. i should be working on the legs and rear.

i do feel the exercise all over the body, but it mostly just makes me kind of stretch a little in bed. it's not uncomfortable stiffness. it just feels like the body has been woken up.

so, gk is gone again for a few days, and maybe next week will be gone for a week or so. it probably is easier to concentrate on exercise while eating very little when i'm alone here, especially now that i've started.

i have a countdown in my head. 16 days until the trip. i need to hold it together. it's important now. not for any 'real' reason, but in order to show a realistic understanding of how my patterns work, and in which circumstances i'm most likely to enjoy things, or remember them well.

even if i don't like my physical appearance, the fact that i've put in an unusual effort probably helps me feel that i've accomplished something unusual, and if i overcome all surprise stresses, maybe it somehow helps my self-confidence enough to cope with the situation. maybe there are physical effects that calm me, or help me cope as well. if my body is exhausted, but also experiencing endorphin release.

i don't like having panicked freakouts. it takes away from the 'purity' of the effort. it makes it all ugly. and then it can be difficult to overcome the guilt related to that.

i feel uncomfortably cold tonight, although it is around 20C.

i'm not sure what to do next.

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i've been finding lately that my coat is starting to feel old and greasy and heavy to me. i've probably been wearing it too much. it's still comfortable, but looks more wilted to me.

the cold is very difficult to ignore. i might need to use the little fan forced heater some of the time. i will try to go without it as much as possible.

tonight shouldn't be so bad, as television will probably preoccupy me starting a little later on.

i am trying to alternate my workouts, such that one day i do weights and aerobics, and the next i do all aerobics. ugh, confusing the issue. i'm trying to do yoga each day, at the end. i've only done it 3 times so far, one day my last exercise session was a walk with gk.

so, today i did 3 aerobics workouts and a yoga tape. in the cold, jumping around is more comfortable and goes by more quickly. i wasn't so cold during yoga. maybe 18C is too cold for me personally.

from age 29 on, i used to keep track of the hours of exercise in total. if i managed about 300 per year, i would usually think of that as being enough to keep my body from falling apart or ageing prematurely, and usually during that year i would probably have at least one brief period in which i felt at least reasonably fit. i would also have a lot of time in which i was bingeing and bloated, and not exercising, but the overall would seem to me like a year in which i had done the bare minimum.

i probably need more now. also, i probably do less strenuous workouts more frequently, which might impact the situation. it's just that as i get older, i feel more reluctant to leave it to the genes. when i do certain workouts like weights or yoga or pilates, i can feel that there are certain abilities and types of strength i had as a child or young adult that can be maintained if i do these workouts. when starting out, i do occasionally like to throw in an advanced aerobics workout, but if i'm restricting calories a lot, i end up doing it only a few times to wake things up.

this year, i have already logged a lot of exercise hours. i think walking in sydney and working on the house were often strenuous enough to count toward the total. i don't think i look very fit, though. i guess the older you get, the more the abuse shows. so, i have to work harder to compensate. also, in the last year or two, i mostly just walked with only a couple of tries at structured exercise, and so maybe i have a lot more to 'catch up'.

if something were to happen to force me to fast, i think that in a few weeks i would probably not mind my body. the exercise i have already done would probably show more, even though i wouldn't exercise while fasting. i would be curious to see what my body would look like if i just lost weight at this point, without exercising. the exercise seems to be a necessary part of things for me, though. i think it releases or diminishes stress, and gives me something that i need in order to cope mentally and physically.

interestingly enough, in a way i think i experience fewer hunger pangs when i'm exercising and eating very little than i do when just eating very little. the latter is easier in a way because it requires less motivation and effort, but there's something about the way exercise

i eat a small bit when i wake up to take away weakness and dizziness or anything like that, and it helps me to work out. once i get going, i can go for a while. then a shower, and a small bit of food later. there's a kind of buzz, i think that lasts for several hours.

so it seems like if the hunger isn't worse, i might as well put in the extra effort to exercise, even if it's difficult, because it feels like i'm getting somewhere quicker, and it helps to fill the day. besides, the object always seems to be that i hope to dance some day, and i don't trust my body to be fit enough at this age to do it on a moment's notice without logging as much time as i can, whenever i can.

but was dancing a mating signal, something i hoped would attract a mate, and is that obsolete now? it might be. i can't seem to think of any circumstances in which i'd actually feel like dancing. so, that might be over. it could be that i've moved on to other modes of self-expression. it does seem to me that in the current times, climate, dancing is about a certain aesthetic

i know that the camera doesn't love me. and so to actually watch myself, it might feel a lot different than it feels to dance anyway. so, what i wish communicated would probably be obscured by the fact that i look awkward facially, and in other ways. maybe my writing, or pictures, or something communicate more than my dancing could.

sometimes i think of the exercise as my 'job' for now. to prepare me for whatever is next. it's boring, and there are snags and moments when i don't think i can continue, but that's part of the job description. and if i complete a job to the best of my ability, there may be a feeling that is more like accomplishment than if i hadn't done it.

there is a pull, to just say no more of this forcing. this is my life, it's not a practice, why don't i just accept what i can't change and start living now. and again we come down to how many hours are in a day, and how unendurable it is, which leads to binges. so if i have a period of a few weeks in which i'm focused, and there's something of a feeling of hope that i can be better than what i normally am for a while, that seems to be the best i can manage in my life.

hungry. a little less cold. being up and around and feeding a possum probably warmed me up. but, most of the evening i will probably sit around. i do actually try to get up and walk around even for invented reasons, like looking at the thermometer, or checking something in the tv guide, or looking out the front door, or whatever. extra reasons to go up and down the stairs or walk around.

i think about 1300 calories on saturday, about 1100 on sunday. today i'm only at about 600-700 so far, and will probably stay under 1000. in my mind is that the trip is two weeks from wednesday, so maybe if by wednesday i could manage to go very low until the trip...

contrast. creating contrast.

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19:10 a bit of a headache. for now i'm going to try to avoid paracetamol. i don't think i'll have caffeine tonight, no matter what happens. although it seems unlikely that i will get sick. we'll see how things go tomorrow. if i can make it through tomorrow without feeling sick, or very sick, i'm probably detoxed enough.

23:38 headache isn't so bad. i noticed that even though i had a lot of tv to watch, including shows i normally tape, i felt very depressed throughout. i just wanted to go to bed. i'll try to stay up a little longer. i didn't turn on the heat or take paracetamol. i do find it uncomfortably cold.

i don't like any of my exercise tapes. all of them are actually good probably for the function they're supposed to serve in a fitness capacity, but none of them have really grown on me. the aerobics ones are all awkward, i don't really like the awkward choreography, and they are a bit dated. because video format is different here, there doesn't seem to be as much choice, although i haven't checked recently. i bought most of them about 4.5 years ago very cheaply at some mass video clearance sale. a couple more after that, i think. maybe a larger selection would be good, but i keep thinking it's only for a short time, i'll do these this last time and then i'll work something else out, i won't be here, i'll be dead, or something along those lines.

awkward may not be the best choice of word. i can actually see why the choreography makes sense, but it doesn't flow for me. i think it's probably that my preference would be for something more graceful. [one tape is actually very graceful from beginning to end. it is a combination pilates/yoga/ballet. this tape feels 'right' for my particular body, my strengths, etc, but it requires a lot of concentration on my part, and often seems to pass very slowly.]

and regarding all the tapes, couldn't i just make up my own? rather than listen to the same old voices and hyper babble that goes along with them again and again? sometimes i do my own exercises, i did recently when travelling (1 hr per session), and before i went to sydney i was for a while doing about 45 minutes a day of one type of workout on my own. but i don't think i could motivate myself to work out for hours at a time if i was totally left to my own devices. it's related to depression and lack of hope. it is bare minimum tactics, it is the only way i can even start. but at what point would i ever try to address what i'd really prefer to be doing? what would i prefer to be doing?

it's almost midnight. the 27th. and that means 15 days until the trip. what was i doing 15 days ago. (i checked earlier.)

i dreamed about bingeing last night. also, about some kind of disorganization. these dreams recur, in which i can't get my stuff together, or my hair or makeup done on time for something or other.

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27/06/06

14:21 i haven't exercised yet today. i was in bed for a long time, thinking about just getting up and leaving. i felt fear related to my relationship with gk. i know things are wrong, but i find i'm not strong enough to leave. i know i'm no bargain as a mate, and it seems to me that he's the better of the two as far as what anyone would want

i don't think i can change my patterns here. but i can't see how to manage things on my own. when i tried, it feels like i failed. and was shown how weak i really am.

when i think about the trip to melbourne, at present what i am most looking forward to is when it's all over and i can come back here and allow myself to lose control. so there must be something in that, something true to what or who i am, and i wonder if i have to accept that, that wishes to go other places are based on a kind of brain-washing from my youth, and not representative of the reality of who i am, since i will feel i have to be in control the whole time, and when i get back here, i can 'break down'.

but it just seems like a horrible thing to accept. to create the contrast so i will again see that i am most at home when i can safely let go.

i have seen men argue that they have to tell women lies because if they don't, there will be a scene, a breakup, etc. and my thinking is that maybe those things are necessary, and maybe the relationship shouldn't be falsely peaceful or prolonged. i also realize that human life is not perfect and humans are not perfect, and that in the majority of the cases, maybe it is best to just not disturb the flow of a relationship, and maybe lies help. but only if a person isn't seeking something more than an ordinary relationship. everybody thinks their relationship is special, and maybe in a way they're right, but really, most relationships are ordinary. and are designed to facillitate life in certain ways.

while i am writing this and also doing laundry, i am aware of the time, and that there is still the possibility i can exercise for a 3 hour block today before gk calls. it is more difficult later in the night for a variety of reasons, some of which are just habit, but usually the longer the day goes on, the harder it is for me to cope with anything. that said, i have still managed to exercise at night on certain occasions.

72 hrs without caffeine, and i think i'm ok. last night before bed i felt a little sick and headachy, but i managed to cope, and didn't take paracetamol. we'll give it another day, but it looks like i might now be detoxed enough.

when i see 'average' women, look at their shapes, and observe them, i can see the possible ways they have attracted mates. i can see the ways their bodies would look at different weights, before pregnancy, and things like that, and if i compare with myself, and include things like skin and hair and teeth and various little flairs, personality, ability to respond spontaneously in the moment, i think that *most* if not all of them are more attractive and strong than me, and it seems ridiculous to not realize that i'm probably below average, all things considered.

but anyway. this morning i woke up and didn't want to get out of bed. i didn't want to exercise. i've tried so many times to do it one more time, push myself just in case. i am looking forward to the trip in a way - because it will be a break in the deprivation routine. i may continue the deprivation, but it will be in a different situation, and will be leading, building to a time when i can indulge again.

here it's very difficult to just decide to get up and go to a movie, or for a coffee or a walk to the store or whatever. there's nowhere close.

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this morning, i weighed myself. 51.2 kg, which surprised me because it's quite a drop from two days ago. i was pleased, and full of a certain kind of hope, but at the same time, it seems to me i still need to be much thinner, and looking at myself naked, i look terrible. i need exercise, or think i need to try to do as much as i possibly can. my body does look older to me. it looks to me like it's lost shape and looks boring, that this becomes more pronounced the older i get. and i think that maybe the women who weigh considerably more than me and are the same age actually look better, have more shape, etc. so what's the point in trying to be thin?

at the same time, i wonder to what extent tv, images, etc have brainwashed me and others. maybe everyone thinks they look worse than average because mostly nakedness is hidden, but the nakedness that is seen is all a certain type, or varies very little.

it seems to me that if women are affected, that men are affected by the images as well. and so women aren't wrong to feel that men will judge them as being lazier or fatter or sloppier or whatever than they really are by realistic standards.

ok, i am tired of this topic. i am not sure yet if i'm going to exercise. i have this urge to run. i also want to die. i wondered if i'm not allowed to die until i realize that the reasons i want to die relate to unfairness perpetuated on me. that i have to find some way to stand up to it. but that just seems like another delay tactic. i know it's not that simple. i'm an odd creature who just doesn't fit, can't be what i need to be, and need to figure out how to 'finish' up whatever i can that will help me make a pathway, a way to die.

oh, when i was talking about memories, first memories a while back, that other one, when i was about 5, with the babysitter. it's interesting in a way, these memories that first come when asked memories of my childhood and parents.

also, about my father... more about not knowing how to be a father... how he approached it.. i can remember him being away a lot, but that he used to use his physical strength. like, he'd carry all of us at the same time, or carry all of us and a couple bags of groceries, or things like that. i think the older ones were supposed to cling on and he would walk with all of us lifted. and he played 'horsey' with us. he was the horse. i remember visiting stables, he often boarded at least one horse, but those memories are more vague, and i remembered everything better when i looked at photos in the past.

i have a lot of memories from the year i was 6-7. moving 3 times, and finally into the house my parents built. looking back, i can see that even at that time i wasn't happy, and that i experienced a lot of stress.

if i try to remember happy times in childhood, really what i remember most was celebrations at babci and grampa's, going swimming and octy. swimming has pretty much been ruined for me all my adult life because of body issues.

what would running away accomplish? would i be able to go far enough that i couldn't keep being drawn back in to this place where i can't escape.

the focus is not that this is a terrible place or that i hate it here or anything like that. it's that i once had an idea of who i was and who i wanted to be, and while here i can't be that. i get further and further from it all the time. it's not that i think i'll be 'happier' somewhere else. but i'm not sure anyone sees that accepting this dependence probably destroys me. maybe realistically it's the best i can do in life, maybe i can't be

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i am overwhelmed when i have the feeling that someone is depending on me to do my exercise, or stick to an extreme diet/exercise combo. that they think it's what i really want. what i want is more info from somewhere. to help me see this situation more clearly. why do i punish myself with exercise and severity of exercise i mean. it's like if someone starts thinking that all is lost if i don't do it, they help to perpetuate my own patterns, they say it's ok for me to behave and think in these fucked up ways. and i do see how hard it is and how people are only human, and how i might have a kind of ability to draw people into my dilemma such that they see what i see about my patterns and accept my conclusions. and i think that's what i mean by needing help, i need someone who can help me see more, and who won't strengthen my patterns by exaggerating my own responses by doubling them. but i do see how i can make it all seem normal or necessary. seeing that there are different rules that apply to me as an individual. a lot of people would think my weight isn't so much - to hear it, but to see me, i think most people end up sort of agreeing with me that i need to be smaller than what the normal guideline for 'thin' is.

ok, yes, i do feel guilty about blaming others here or complaining, when i can easily see how very, very difficult i am to deal with, to know how to handle.

i'm so sick of it. just one more time. hold it together for this trip to melbourne. i'm not actually thinking of cancelling the trip. i'm thinking of doing something different, starting the trip now. but if i exercise for 2 more weeks, will it make a noticeable difference? will i manage to tighten things up, lose a couple more kilograms? and then go through the horror of losing the effort again?

20:22 i managed to exercise. i will try to do one more tape in a while to make it a consistent 3 hours again today.

the apple and pear i just ate were actually very tasty.

ok, i'm worn out, and maybe need to save energy for exercising later. i mean, mental energy, motivation, etc.

one thing, though... is it really so bad if i look forward to coming back here? there are a lot of reasons, and if i have to do weird or extreme things in order to create contrast, in order to contribute to the possibility of enjoyment, can i learn to accept that?

no one has security, not really. maybe i have to accept that i can't be prepared for every unexpected twist and turn, and that i have to try to just take things as they come, whenever i can. isn't that what part of the fear and panic are about? seeing warning signs and thinking it can't lead to anywhere good... but on a daily basis, there are bits of life, there are moments that are pleasing, even in pleasing another person, that seem like *something*. i guess it's part of being me to have to constantly reassess or try to figure it all out, but in my unusual circumstances, it can be difficult to ever be sure.

23:52 i managed to do the last tape. not my best effort, a little clumsy, but my heart was in the target range for burning fat. it's cold tonight, 17 C. i remember reading as a sprog that 65 F was ideal room temperature, and even then i remember questioning it. i thought i had to learn how to be more active or to speed myself up somehow so that i could appreciate ideal room temperature. i guess i still don't quite see why ideal temperature is so cold. i think i guessed it was something to do with activity level and fitness, as well as somehow being a temperature that stimulated optimum brain activity.

for the last 3 days, my calorie counts started with 800-900 on sunday, about 800 on monday, and approx. 800 again today. i think i will try to go lower tomorrow. it's hard to say. i've had trouble motivating myself to exercise lately, so it might be hard again tomorrow. but i am thinking that it's two weeks. maybe i can put in an effort for that amount of time. try to push myself as hard as i can. i'll need to judge it carefully.

i have actually done well for the first week of exercise, especially considering i haven't done any regular structured exercise for quite some time.

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28/06/06

i felt weak and had trouble concentrating at times during my workouts today. i also noticed that my pulse was a few beats higher than before during the same exercise, but still basically low. it may be manageable. i feel very hungry at the moment. i was thinking of possibly adding more exercise today. i have already reduced portion sizes for 'breakfast' and 'lunch' today.

whatever exercise i manage is probably better than nothing.

it is now over 4 days since i've had caffeine, so i think i'm now detoxed enough. i had a headache before bed last night, and a bit of one now at just before 16:00, but i haven't taken any paracetamol recently.

i feel a bit down and depressed. er, not really 'a bit'. it feels more pronounced than usual.

in recent years, i notice that when i exercise, i start to feel that my back is stiff. i have various theories about this. it could be related to a low impact aerobic workout with handheld weights, or to step aerobics i did in the past with handheld weights. it could be related to dancing in the past in bare feet on hard surfaces, dancing which included a lot of leaps and back arching (i did a lot of things that were not 'safe', or not performed with alignment that is safest for the body, hyperextensions, etc). it could be related to my past history of a lot of abdominal work without balancing it with specific back exercises. (the stiffness/fatigue occurs in both the low and mid back.) it could also be related to the deterioration of my day to day posture over the years, putting less effort in to align myself correctly.

my back is generally strong, and is the part of my body that tends to show muscular tone more than any other part. (however, i think the main strength of my body probably comes from the entire 'core' area.)

i am not sure, but i think the yoga helps, and also, the more i exercise, i eventually notice that the stiffness is less pronounced. (i mean, if the exercise goes on for a few weeks.)

it's something that recurs such that if i were more motivated, it probably would be good to check out, because it could lead to future problems. it could very well be a cumulative overuse injury, and i may always have to watch out for it.

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debating about writing about something that was on my mind when i woke up, because it might be complicated to write it out, and there may be ethical issues.

something i sort of wished i had done differently: i wish i had confronted debris about comments he made related to o.h. and other ashlings who hadn't posted to ash in some time. something about how with one possible exception, these old timers had nothing relevant to offer the present day ash.

and i think it was an example of, a glaring example of his lack of perception in certain important areas. i didn't say anything at the time, because i was in another pulling away from ash mode, and i didn't want to be drawn in. i wanted to leave everyone and everything to itself, i didn't have a lot of energy, and i felt that it made more sense for me to put my energy into killing myself.

what i think he missed was pretty big. he has written on ash that he 'doesn't suffer', but it's like he doesn't have the ability to factor in that others do. a lot and probably the majority of people who post to ash are feeling they have no personal worth, nothing to say anyone wants to hear, and that they're disintegrating without ever having had a chance to be anything they'd respect.

to say that longterm suicidals or depressed individuals have nothing worthwhile to contribute to ash is to repeat the message that the world gives us, that you've got to speak up fast, and you better entertain us right away or we'll change the channel on you.

i think the progression of longterm depression in itself is worthwhile to study, especially in a discussion group such as ash. but, i don't for a moment think that any of the persons debris mentioned would ever be irrelevant to ash if they felt a wish to communicate. i think that their presences in themselves will always strike certain cords with different ash sympathizers, even new ones.

in ash, there are certain realities you're going to come up against if you're there for a long time. and i think if nothing else, if no arguments of compassion for or sensitivity to suffering can move you, then perhaps an appeal to the netiquette side of the issue could. it just seems odd that a person could read all of the outpourings and low self-esteem that are very much a part of depression, suicidal ideation and ash, and never learn to put two and two together. unless perhaps that person has an idea of what he wants the newsgroup to be that is not in touch with reality.

there are good discussions in ash. there are intelligent people there. but to say keep your low self-esteem and personal deterioration to yourself thank you very much, keep it out of the discussion, keep up on current events, keep your jokes and comments current, just seems well ridiculous considering the nature and intent of ash. we only want the fresh suicidals, the one with jokes we haven't heard, the ones with comments we haven't been bored to death with yet. yikes.

i would suggest that debris could only make comments like he did if it was some kind of satire or joke. and i didn't ask at the time, so possibly i will never know, and possibly all i've ranted on about is unnecessary.

the faces of newsgroups change over time. i've never been one to hail the 'good old days' of ash, and never move forward. but i think that whatever the 'old timers' might contribute in the present can't be completely dissociated from what they contributed in the past. long time lurkers and posters may have a curiosity about what's going on with these people, and they may seem like longlost friends or family members. i don't think a lot of these lurkers/posters expect to be entertained or expect a performance from the old ashers. it's just perhaps comforting in itself to experience the presence of these individuals, a feeling of continuity and community.

so, now that i've written that all out, yes, the writing sucks, and i'm missing things. would debris find this to be something that annoys him? well, if i had issues with all of this i should have said something in the moment. but i didn't, and it stayed with me, and nags at me from time to time. i do wish i had said something on the spot, and now it looks like this is the only way i can do it. so, i'm sorry. but if debris happens to read this and wants to discuss it more fully, or discuss anything else, i'd give it a go. in the past, i did try to explain to him my differences in perception, thinking and approach regarding different topics, and i usually managed to do so without personal insults. i found that experience valuable. when writing out the above in a more formal way, i think i would take care to clean it up, make it clearer or more concise, and of course, clean up the insulting tone. i think that's one of the reasons i valued our correspondence. in many areas, we actually did have very different views, but i was given a chance to write things out for myself, make an attempt to see my thoughts clearly, while not taking things personally, or making personal attacks. i like that our correspondence brought that out in me. i still miss that correspondence, that interaction. it is a sad thing that i wasn't able to hold it together and continue.

in the above instance, i was particularly concerned for o.h. and it does seem that i wasn't much of a friend not to make the effort to share these views at the time, publicly, in the moment. i thought the comments might at least niggle at him, but the thing is that i didn't even think they were true. i think he's an intelligent person, and a funny person, and that even if there were slow periods, that from time to time he would still 'shine' as he did in the past. and that even when he was more quiet, i would still see him a certain way, that i wouldn't forget his own particular brilliance, ever.

dismissing a depressed person as irrelevant, of no interest, etc, especially in a place like ash, is like picking on any other disorder, disability or disease for some of the very items or fears that are characteristic of that disorder, disease, disability or illness. those with various forms of autism display certain behaviours that others have picked on because they don't understand. or these autistic individuals have been dismissed out of hand. then again, i suppose if someone is sort of naturally unable to process human emotions or respond to signals in certain ways, it might make that person less sensitive to the emotional problems and insecurities that others deal with.

who am i kidding? am i ever going to go back and try to write anything up more clearly? there are so many things i've abandoned.

17:05 i had thought that maybe i would do a second session of exercise, concentrate on legs and rear and then do yoga, but i feel so chilled that i'm not sure it's realistic i can motivate myself. i did do 3 hours worth of exercise. ok, you sort of have to laugh at yourself if you think 3 hours of exercise doesn't count for anything. it seems silly to think that because i can't do 4.5 hours all is lost or that i'm a pussy. i have reduced food intake. maybe it would be best to turn off the computer and sit for a bit and think about what i want to do. i think i do feel ok about the amount of exercise i've done, though. there's still a chance of adding more at some point.

just another thing i meant to mention about muscles: my calves get a bit stiff in the beginning after doing high impact aerobics. it actually feels kind of nice, in a way. i tend to try to concentrate more on low impact workouts, but once i start feeling more fit i do tend to throw the high impact in more frequently, and as a 'warmup' before other exercise, to make that exercise more difficult.

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29/06/06

16:41 it feels like it takes too much energy to bother writing. i am enduring, in bare minimum mode. i did 3 hours of exercise today. during the last tape, i noticed that i felt very bored and wanted badly for it to be over with. my concentration was a little better today, but i still muffed a lot of the moves. yesterday i remember having a pronounced wish to sit or lie down during the last tape, but i kept going. today i was still weak and lethargic, but coped with it better.

i know there are anorexics ('anorectic' may be the correct term, i don't know, i just prefer 'anorexic') all over the world who push themselves much harder than i do myself. what can i say. i guess i've just never been able to sustain effort for very long.

my body has been through a lot of extremes this year.

i ate approx. 550 calories yesterday. it will probably be similar again today. i might start the eggwhite omelette thing again. 3 whipped up eggwhites in a non-stick pan.

gk returns again tonight.

feeling of severe and crushing depression at night, by the end of the day. i feel flattened, carrying an enormous weight, or something along those lines.

however, i am actually very surprised at how quickly i have lost weight. i wonder if somehow this year i built more muscle than other years or something. anyway, this morning, i weighed 50.8 kg. at this rate, even if there's a little bit of a slow down, i could weigh around 108 lbs by my trip. still not as low as i'd prefer, but if i could reach that, i think i'd feel as good as could be expected for this particular trip.

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30/06/06

16:32 i have done 3 hours worth of exercise. during the last tape i felt depressed enough or exhausted in some way such that i noticed i felt like crying. physically, i notice the lethargy most in doing the fourth tape. (i do them back to back.)

did i mention before that at one point i made various tapes for dancing to, not aerobicizing to or whatever else? i'd choose various songs and arrange them on a tape, and at the end i'd have some slower songs for cooling down and stretching out by doing graceful or slow dance moves. at first they were great, and i thought it was the best kind of 'exercise' ever. but as i used the tapes more and more, i became desensitized, didn't get as much of a lift from the songs, and found i started merely aerobicizing rather than dancing, because i was in emotional flatline state, and just wanted to make sure my cardio capacity stayed high.

i used tapes like that so often that now i'm sort of afraid to 'ruin' songs by overusing them. it's probably like i needed to have a huge collection, to avoid desensitization, but most likely a major element is that i didn't ever move forward, or go out dancing anywhere.

so now it's always like i do safe exercise, smart exercise with proper alignment, just in case. just in case i ever feel a whim to try again.

no, i don't for a moment really think my exercise habits qualify as 'safe' or healthy.

i'm hungry a lot, my tummy rumbles, etc, but i'm in a phase where i'm managing it ok. i'm actually sort of looking forward to my trip, and have the idea that i might try to eat various meals out when i get there, without overindulging, like i would do if i could get to a place i wanted to be.

last night i walked with gk in addition to the earlier exercise. my calorie count was approx. 550. today may be closer to 500, if things go according to plan. i'm not sure there's much point in going lower. i guess i'm a chicken. i'm not completely sure what it would take to cause my body to do something i couldn't cope with.

i will probably have saturday as a rest day. i think psychologically i need one day a week. in the distant past, i often went right through, but i find now that i need some kind of break in the schedule. it makes a little sense to give the muscles some time to rest and repair themselves. i will probably walk regardless.

at present, i am hoping that i at least do 9 more sessions like the one today. if i could do a little more when gk is away, that would be excellent.

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01/07/06

11:00 last night i felt extremely hungry. maybe this time because i didn't taper down as slowly it's more difficult, or maybe i am somehow burning more calories, fat or something. before i went to sydney, it seemed to me it was fairly comfortable. but perhaps that had something to do with motivation, focus and having more time.

last night, felt kind of stressed when asking gk's opinion about how to make a hat, and it led into stress about what to wear to the wedding, for both of us, and when i started going off on a lot of different tangents, combined with feelings of hunger, i think i felt very stressed, to the point i was near tears again. however, i didn't freak out, and i decided to go to bed early. i feel better today.

however.. looking again at the honey website, i feel kind of intimidated by the kind of life, culture and knowledge represented, and feel kind of worried that i am not the sort of person wanted to stay there. i feel self-conscious about my lack of personal style, i feel kind of grubby and shabby (not shabby chic.)

i realize i can't help what i am. i had a wish to stay there, in part because it represents something different to anywhere i've ever stayed. the stimulation of the experience might help me to access different parts of my personality and/or creativity.

i realize that anyone who rents out flats or rooms can't always have control over whether they like those who stay there or not, and i also realize that whether someone likes me or not shouldn't really have a major impact on me in this kind of instance. it's a business thing for the one, and on my part should just be about trying to enjoy unusual surroundings.

on my part, i know that i will make an effort to treat her creation with respect, and i'll make an effort to keep it tidy and make sure not to damage anything.

i know no one is 'supposed' to care what people think, but that's unrealistic. everybody does, to different degrees, and those who don't may have some kind of genetic thing that causes their focus to be elsewhere. and if you're in a pretty low position in society, if you yourself haven't come to terms with your life, then it makes sense that it's difficult to face those who are 'empowered' or 'successful'.

but if i try to look at things from my own point of view, not from the point of view of outsiders seeing me and finding me unappealing, if i get past my own revulsion at myself, i can see that i'm still trying things out. and all the hiding i've done over the years has put me behind, and so i'm kind of scared, but maybe if i try not to worry if people like me or not, or are laughing at me, i can slowly try things out in my own way and might eventually get a little further down my own path.

at the moment, my personal way of dressing makes me feel very self- conscious. the coat in itself is probably some kind of very cheap knockoff of some fashion, and the rest of my stuff is mostly very awkward stuff. i don't really have comfortable clothes for just wearing around. it's very weird the extent to which that is true. the thinner i get, the easier it is to find comfortable things to throw on, because things feel looser and don't scare me as much to look at. i don't worry as much about the bad angles.

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i am writing all of this out to examine it, in all its silliness or whatever, partly in an attempt to relieve the stress of it. i realize i'm blowing things out of proportion with regards to my own personal trip. if a person advertises a room or apartment, theoretically anyone who can come up with the money, or the first to do so when it's available is probably going to get the place. this trip is about me trying something new, and shouldn't be about me feeling bad because i don't fit anyone's idea of what is appealing or successful or interesting. but there are all the things beneath the surface. did i choose this place as a way to punish myself or make myself feel bad? it does seem like a thing to try, to see if i can approach things from a different direction, and see where else in life i can go. which means that in spite of my insecurity and low self-esteem, i still have something that i want to express. and it does take a kind of nerve or guts to try something like this for a person in my position.

my website is not as polished as professional sites, and the personal excesses may cause others to feel embarrassed or embarrassed for me, but my site represents an individual who is very much an individual, and that in continuing to express what i can, i take a stand and stop hiding from the world, at least in some ways. there is a kind of strength in that. i am trying to come out. people are just people. arty people may be drawn to others who are at a similar level, and shun people like me, but many may be sensitive enough to notice certain sensitive qualities a person may possess even if they don't possess artistic talent or acceptability.

it takes a kind of courage to face those who intimidate you. it takes courage when you can't shut off certain layers of awareness, facing complicated situations in which you understand all too well how wilted, faded, tacky, etc, you come across. face it no matter if your fears are realized, and see what comes next.

i don't have to apologize for myself. i don't have to focus on how clean i'll keep the apartment as the only plus there is or compensation for how unappealing i am as a person.

even if a person has no fashion or art sense, can't they still be capable of appreciating the sights and sounds, and whatever else, even if they can't really connect it to their personal appearance and expression? i mean, it's natural to want to explore the world and different aspects of life. and though you might not fit in somewhere, it's ludicrous to think you should be afraid to venture to explore if you feel like exploring.

yes, well, ick again. i'm trying to work through the stress. if you have some kind of position in life, people who like you and whatnot maybe sometimes you have a better sense of who you are and concentrate on what you do like about yourself at least to the extent that you don't always worry about disappointing every single person, and treating their opinions as so important that they should reinforce all the things you don't like about yourself to the exclusion of everything else. it's because i'm not happy with myself that it's so difficult to have any kind of trust in myself in the face of negative opinions. and often, i think it would be ok if there was some balance, if there was enough that was 'interesting' that people noticed about me to balance the parts that turn people off. then i think it would be easier to accept myself as a whole. but i'm so out of the loop of 'real' life. i don't really know how i'm coming across.

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if i have uncomfortable contact with someone, in which i'm awkward, have to answer awkward questions like about what i 'do', if it's some kind of situation in which i feel i've expressed myself badly, incompletely, inaccurately, or in some kind of way that embarrasses me, it can be difficult to shake off the feelings of shame and stress. i can go away after, and think that i'm alone now, no one's around, if that person thinks x about me i can't really control it, even if the person is wrong. i can't let things like that rule my life. even if the person is right about some unappealing thing about me, i can't let that rule my life. i have tried to change what i can about myself. i'm not socially adept. i don't think well on my feet. i need to try to just move forward.

but sometimes the stress and shame linger, and it can be difficult to go outside, or face a certain person or situation again. sometimes i do. often i think the need to binge is about trying to resolve it all on my own, alone. where no one can see me, where i don't have to interact with anyone. i know that's obvious... but it starts, the urge i think starts with the contact. and sometimes it waits a while, builds quietly, and then i need to act it out.

with my ex and gk, and on my website, i have/had the chance to take my time, and flesh things out in my own way over time. i understand that life is more fast-paced and people don't have a lot of patience if something or someone requires more effort to absorb. also, i'm boring. but i think if there were more places or situations in which i could 'come out' in various ways that life would be less blocked to me.

22:58 a little more than 500 calories today, i think. i will be on my own for the next week.

haha, after all the stuff i wrote earlier, i just churned out another example of how i never seem to try hard enough. gk likes it, and thinks it's suitable. a wedding card for a couple we haven't spent time with, and don't really know, except that gk has known his friend for some time.

i keep looking at the image i created for a homemade card, wondering if it really is suitable, or if i should try harder when i have the chance to use my particular creativity for an occasion. i don't really know much about the couple except that they're seventh day adventists, and when i met gk's friend i thought he was a kind and thoughtful person. but there are other components. we need to bring some prepared food to the wedding, and a gift. i offered to buy chocolates when in melbourne. haigh's staff gift wrap the chocolates nicely, at no charge. anyway, the point is that it makes sense to portion out our energy, and though my image may not be great, it may be ok for this circumstance. it is a bit of a change from the usual flowers, champagne, roses, rings, heavenly and/or romantic scenes, etc, that appear on wedding cards, but is not as 'dark' as some of my usual images. i didn't buy a premade card, i put in a little effort to create something myself.

we still need to decide about what to prepare for the wedding foodwise.

the invitation we received was perhaps homemade - it may be some kind of printout. it's on thin paper rather than a card. and in that vein a homemade card, especially not a professional one, (i can see lots wrong with what i did or what could be improved, but i got nervous when i showed gk the picture, and accidentally didn't save enough of the original change i made so that i can work on it further) seems somewhat appropriate. although, in this day and age, i suppose cards are kind of obsolete, and it makes sense to think about environmental issues.

i keep looking at the image, not really sure i shouldn't try harder, but i do realize that at this point because gk likes the picture i will probably leave the image alone, and accept it in this situation. i guess it's possible that i might try again while he's away, but i at least have a ready option if i don't have much energy for coping later.

the one niggling thing... the part of me that says to always be prepared, and to not let anything out there that isn't a representation of something i want to say or need to say.

i'm ok at the moment, maybe because i've been preoccupied this evening, but earlier i was extremely hungry. rested today, but went for a walk with gk. will try to exercise as usual tomorrow. or add more.

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02/07/06

16:20 50 kg this morning. i don't know why i'm losing weight so quickly, but i'm not complaining. it could be because in half a year i've already done more exercise than i do most years. year after year, i try to do more, but it's pretty difficult to motivate myself, pretty difficult to get my head above water ever.

it would be nice if it continued at a similar rate.

i'm thinking about adding more exercise this afternoon. (i've already completed the three hour block.) i don't feel like writing much. [i probably needed to save as much energy as possible for just staying with my pattern, my routine.]

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03/07/06

14:46 i added more exercise yesterday. it didn't feel like a major struggle, but i did find that later i just wanted to vegetate as much as possible. today i have done the first batch of exercise, and again during the last tape i felt the excruciating boredom. i suppose that all the way through i really want all of the tapes to be over, but at this point, it's like i'm 'focused' in such a way that it seems easier to get through the hours exercising than to just sit around. i'm probably not going to blow off the trip. 9 more days.

there are little 'breaks' in the routine that i need to think about in order to keep going. on wednesday it will be exactly a week, and i will probably weigh myself and see if i can refocus yet again to put in my best effort for the final week.

saturday is a the day to take a break from exercise, dye my hair, do some housework and organize or start to organize what i need for the trip, how much i'm taking, etc. i feel like i want to try to pack more lightly this time than last time, but we'll have to see.

the exercise i added was my own workout and yoga.

i feel this annoyance with certain television programs i've seen lately that are supposed to promote fitness and health, and/or info about those subjects. there are several on channel 9 that i think are shoddy and more likely to promote misinformation. you are what you eat, turn back your body clock and what's good for you. it's a case of too little info, such that what they do give is misleading. also, i think that the first two are probably reinforcing certain unrealistic ideas about human nature and bodies. shaming people or frightening them into making lifestyle changes may work in the short run, but human beings are procrastinating more often than not, and as a little time goes by, it seems to me that some or most will fall back into old habits.

[the fears people have related to living long, wanting to live to 85 as opposed to 65 years or something along those lines are probably related to survival instinct, hearing the numbers, having it in their face. on a day to day basis, i think most people have a basic awareness that certain behaviours and excesses may shorten their lives. but they can push it from their minds. because the reality of life is something different to what people consider ideal or optimum generally. but a person could get hit by a truck at any time, and long life doesn't necessarily equal enjoyable life. i'm actually surprised that the human body can handle as much abuse as it does, as many excesses. or i'm even in awe. also, there's another factor to consider: it seems that damage can be reversed in many cases, or stopped or slowed down, and what may result is people with increased awareness who keep bouncing back and forth between trying and relapsing. which may not be so healthy, or may help. i wonder if in my detox stages i keep things from progressing toward breakdown or illness or something serious.]

but it's like the shaming goes so far that it's likely to have a bad effect on a lot of people's self-esteem, especially considering the alleged number of overweight persons. focusing on images, saying that's repulsive, that's embarrassing, that's shameful, is probably not the right tactic to change problems. but i guess it's a sensational topic. people have a morbid curiosity to see what's supposed to be hidden or what they're not supposed to stare at. i think it needs to be handled with more education and sensitivity.

i can see some people trying again and again, and finally rebelling against the food and exercise nazis.

also, it's like focusing on the images and shaming people can end up making it seem ok to think of certain people as revolting slobs, disgusting, etc.

i also wonder to what extent people put in efforts that are never recognized because the final results aren't representative of what we generally associate with fitness and effort. i can easily imagine that many people put in major efforts or stop and start something like i do, and because they have a certain type of body, or are carrying a certain amount of weight no one really notices. it is very hard to undo some of the effects of years of not targeting certain problem areas. i wonder how many people have been sort of trained to discount their own efforts (or if their family and friends do) if they don't see a more noticeable result. when i've heard of how much exercise certain individuals have done when losing large amounts of weight, i have been impressed.

at the same time, i myself have felt that certain people have looked at me like i'm a wimp because i have a relatively small amount of weight to lose. i can see them sort of thinking of those who have lost large amounts of weight, and thinking i have no idea what willpower means.

[the story of my life. i've always heard that my particular details aren't so bad compared to those of others people have had contact with, my efforts are nothing compared to something some other person these others have had contact with, etc.]

a couple of times in my life, when i started at around 140 lbs, i actually found it easier than i do to lose weight now. partly it was because i was young and had motivation, and still wanted a life, and thought with enough effort and willpower i could beat my patterns. there were concrete activities that i wanted to try. and when i was young and starting off at that weight, in the beginning the weight would come off quickly, about 3 lbs per week. results were noticeable, there was hope of achieving a look i liked. what i also found was that when a pattern was sustained for a while, at a certain point you just keep flowing with it, and it's like you get used to it and almost think it will never stop. i always kept things to myself, and i had no support system or workout buddies or trainers, and no one to compliment me as i got thinner and fitter. the compliments generally came from random strangers when i went out walking later. but when it starts off well, when you can see the numbers dropping, you can project about the future. and if you're in that phase a long time, perhaps when you hit a plateau you're so entrenched in the lifestyle change, because it's gone on a certain amount of time, there's a momentum that keeps it going.

i just haven't for a long time had any of the supports or connections to life that i think make it possible to commit to longterm effort. i have to make up things to motivate me, because there isn't anything 'real'. and it sucks when i know that no matter what i do, my body has probably passed the point of no return in some ways, and that the older i get the further i am from what i tried and failed to achieve.

if i keep to a reasonable amount of food, i find it very difficult to lose more than 1.5 lbs per week, and i only keep losing that much if i keep changing and adding things to my routine. before i went to sydney, in the last few weeks when i was increasing the extremeness of things, i still found that it was very difficult to move the weight. when it's slow, i tend to weigh myself only once a week, or less than that. (once every two or three weeks.)

lately i've been weighing myself a lot more than usual because it's kind of nice when the weight seems to be coming off so fast.

anyway. i don't honestly know. i guess i go around in circles, and so my efforts have turned in on themselves and don't look like efforts. and maybe that's the case with a lot of people.

incomplete. the information on all of the above programs seemed incomplete to the extent that to me it seemed like misinformation.

anyway.

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the day of the trip there will be a release. i don't have to exercise that day. i can eat different food. i don't know what i will do yet when i arrive in melbourne at the apartment, but i might go out and look around, and see if i want to have coffee, or whatever. but while i'm there, there will be an awareness that i need to make sure i don't lose control. there is also the wedding party. i have committed to that now, and i need to try to hold it together for that. it will be a different social occasion to anything i've faced in a long time. it will be important not to feel physically sick or out of control. i will also want to make an effort to try to wear something nice, and that requires me to make the effort to keep from eating too much, or engaging in b/p behaviour. i do not want swollen glands or puffiness, or the feeling of shame that takes time to get past.

after the wedding celebration, there are 3 days back in melbourne with gk. in those days, i will probably still eat moderately, but i will eat foods that are 'special', foods in cafes and restaurants.

it may seem sad, but i do think the part i am most looking forward to is returning here. i am planning to bring back some nice chocolates with me. and unless something happens to motivate me to carry on longer, i will lose control, and go back into the same old patterns.

i think the only things that could make the trip itself more of a focal point to look forward to would be if i didn't actually feel ashamed of my appearance, or did something creative with it that i liked, or if i had some kind of interaction that scratched the itch for complex communication.

so far, in my mind i have been thinking that each morning when i wake up in the apartment, i might try to exercise for a while, have a shower, then go out for a walk and see where i feel like going. i don't actually have to go outside, but i think i would probably like to. i haven't totally decided if i will have coffee, or if i will wait until i come back with gk, but i think i probably will have it right from the start. but i'll try to pick a circumstance in which i think it will have the best effect.

i have to hold it together for 23 days. what was i doing 23 days ago. in 23 days, i will be back here.

it's difficult, there's a kind of tension, and a wondering if i can hold on without breaking for the next 9 days. but there's also a feeling of anticipation. a sense of looking forward to that change in the schedule, a sense of possibilities or potentials.

i can't brush off the effort i am putting in as trivial or small. it is difficult, and my hold on it all is precarious. but if i can hold on, i currently have the feeling that i will feel good about it, and that it will help me cope with all the anxieties that will surface during the time away from the house.

18:49 just odds and ends to round up, i don't really want to write. one thing was about alignment, and about how i haven't been able to check mine in a mirror while exercising for a very long time, many, many years. so i'm not sure how bad or off i might be. although, while observing the instructors in videos, sometimes i notice that even their alignment is at times a bit off. and they make little flubs as well.

depending on the weather, the floor is sometimes a bit slippery. i find that on those days, it can be difficult to do certain exercises, like lunges, certain stretches and certain yoga moves, because my feet don't stay stationary, they slip on the floor. [i don't have a yoga mat. for certain exercises, i have a blanket on the wooden floors, covered with a towel.]

while my weight seems to be decreasing, there is still the disheartening fact of my actual appearance. i think the basic foundation of my body is sturdy, and there is an underlying strength and firmness, but i don't look like exercise professionals. there's a beauty, smoothness and firmness to the skin that i've never had even when the most fit i've been. i feel and see a top layer of mush, which has always made me wonder if i've had a higher level of body fat than most people, or if there is a fitness myth that is like the 'beauty myth'. that people assume that only a certain look means fitness, and so people who fit that look are drawn to be role models. but even when i was a teenager or a child, i think i was always aware that i might have more body fat than i was 'supposed' to have. maybe it was a dietary or genetic thing, or maybe my body displays fitness in a way that is not according to what everyone normally recognizes. i think that in the structure of my body and in movement, people have sometimes recognized a certain athleticism in me, but that perhaps i've never really appeared truly fit.

my thinking goes something like: if i lost 2-3 lbs of fat in the next week, how much of an impact would that have on the look and feel of my body.

i think the times in my life when i experienced the least mushiness was after fasting. longer fasts were better. but before fasting or stopping exercise while reducing calories, i always have this feeling it's best to do as much exercise as possible.

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i think that tanned skin does tend to show muscle tone better. it also makes my skin look smoother, which adds to the overall look. my skin has had no sun for about 3.5 years now. when i have gone out in the sun, i put on major sunscreen at all times in recent years.

i've been noticing lately at night that i have a bit of a cold, haggard look. i don't know if it's related to heating up and cooling down, not eating enough, or what. but it's already more difficult in cold weather to feel attractive without this added extra unflatteringness. why, why am i going somewhere cold???

i've now put in a total of 9 hours of exercise in two days. 7 more days of what i've done yesterday and today would be ideal, i think the best i could do in the circumstances. but i'm always aware that anything could change at any time, and that it's best to just keep going as long as i can. and if i can't continue, if i get injured, or feel frighteningly sick in some way, if i lose motivation, i can try to remind myself that i've put in some effort that may be enough to help. i'm pretty sure i'm going to go on the trip. mostly, it's just a matter of getting through the time, the hours, the days. sometimes the thought of the exercise, how much there is still to do, scares me, but i remind myself that all i basically have to do is put one foot in front of the other and get through the time. my body will do the exercise. it may be boring, but if i can just get through the time, i can probably do it. while doing tapes, i'm often working out what percent or fraction of my daily total i've done and how much is left. sometimes i say an hour and a half isn't so much time, the time will pass, just keep going, etc.

there's also always the possibility i could die at ant time, or that something totally unexpected could happen.

there's always so much to explain. i want to try while i'm in the different phases, but in the one i'm in now, i feel more like i don't want to write at all. it's like i need the energy to just stay focused and keep on with what i'm doing. by the end of the day, i'm seriously dragging, feel sad, often feel teary, and just want to crawl into bed. i managed to stay up until a bit before midnight last night, which is often what i'm aiming for lately, around midnight or so. if i go to bed early one night, i can say it's easier to recover from if i've been staying up later most nights, if i've been making the effort. i mean, sometimes it gets hard to sleep when i've been sleeping too many hours. so i try to plan for that in advance, and go to bed early only when i absolutely feel i must.

at times, i have been feeling warm, and possibly a bit of an exercise buzz. i think it's more likely to happen after exercising, but first there is a period of cold and discomfort. if i have a shower, i find it warms me up, and that maybe for a while after i will feel warmer than normal, but still most of the day i find is uncomfortably cold, and changing in and out of exercise gear is unpleasant.

in this cold state, i find i'm reluctant to even want to try to try things on to wear on my trip, to solve clothing issues, hair issues, whatever. perhaps some of my energy should be diverted into such areas, into some other kind of creativity or creative problem solving. but what if i decided to just concentrate on doing what is necessary to finish up my current plan, and then when i'm in melbourne i play it by ear. before i went to sydney, i had the idea i might go somewhere and get my hair done, buy clothes, change my style, but it looks like i wasn't quite ready. so there's always a chance that in melbourne i might get some inspiration or feel like trying something.

one positive thing, although i'm not sure it's a good idea to count my chickens before they're hatched - it seems like my hair loss has slowed down.

in the back of my mind is that if i could do 600 hours of exercise this year, maybe i would be closer to being ready to dance in some way.

23:42 ugh, i really don't want to write, but i have a few minutes to kill until arrested development comes on. i'm going to watch that, then go to bed. made it through another day, etc.

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about the haggard appearance. there's something specific. a redness that spreads across my nose and cheeks, either making it look white under the eyes, or making the makeup more noticeable. the foundation i'm wearing covers or disguises the redness a bit, but in spots it's splotchy.

i remember this occurring frequently when i was in high school, in cold weather. i think mostly at night. i'm sure it's happened beyond high school, but at different times in my life i might not have experienced certain cold conditions. maybe i'm more susceptible to cold when i'm eating less.

anyway, there was something i thought of a while back that i forgot to make note of, and might as well while i'm here. i can think of yet another reason i always felt like i wanted another name. i think this one is significant. my sister had a cute name. her middle name was bambi, and that's what everyone took to calling her. so she was the cute, pretty one, the one with all the personality. and so i'm thinking there was probably some sibling jealousy/rivalry involved, me feeling that having a more interesting name might be part of what would get me more attention.

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04/07/06

14:53 8 days to go. today i noticed that my tongue was a bit coated, white. i guess it's a sign of dehydration. this also occurred when i was in sydney for a couple of days at least, maybe more.

i've been trying to drink as much water as i can, but it's not appealing in this weather, and it goes through me pretty fast. lately, i have been drinking almost 2 litres of water per day. i would think that would be enough, but maybe because i'm eating so little food i have to compensate with more water.

so many times every day it feels like i have to jump into very cold water. i guess i'm just firmly entrenched in this present pattern, that's how i'm able to continue in spite of how difficult it is.

i do like hopping into a warm bed at night, though.

what's the difference between trying to calm anxiety through writing, trying to sort patterns out and gain insight, and just indescriminately pouring out all the contents of my head? sometimes it really does seem like it's mostly some kind of obsessive- compulsive disorder. but at times i'm also not sure what is relevant, or what might shed some light or lead to a new insight.

if i do my second session today, there is only a one week block left.

i don't feel like writing today, and so i'm going to stop here.

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05/07/06

15:23 one week until the trip. 21 days until i'm back here. my current weight is: 49.4 kg.

it's difficult to do the exercises, my body feels fatigued, but i suppose the momentum carries me along once i start. my mind doesn't find it easy to concentrate.

yesterday i had approx. 450 calories, all other days i haven't mentioned yet have been 500. probably 450 from here on in.

i'm not sure, but for a brief moment during the exercises i felt somewhat faint. it was like some kind of compensating thing kicked in, where i sort of focused, or had increased awareness, took special care with my breathing, and with my movements, and this increased concentration seemed to get me through the iffy part.

after a few intensive weeks of exercise, what i find is that a brief holiday from exercise seems to have an effect on my body that i like. after a couple of days, it's like there's a look and feel to it that is nicer than during the intensive part. maybe smoother, or something. also, there's something about going away somewhere right after a period of intensive exercise that helps things along, and in the beginning, there's like a grace period, and whatever i eat in the beginning doesn't seem to cause me to immediately gain weight, but i actually seem to continue losing. these effects are tenuous and not long-lasting, but sometimes for a short period i feel a little more natural.

the amount i'm exercising now and how little i'm eating give a misleading impression about my history. it seems that the older i get, the more desperate and extreme my tactics are. granted that perhaps when younger i tended to exercise at a more strenuous level, i still didn't put in the hours or variety i do now, or go as low in calories. when exercising strenuously, i tended to try to keep it at around 1200. in 1997 there was a time i exercised 3 hours a day for 3 weeks, with no days off. 1200 calories per day first week, 700 the next and 500 the last. that seemed extreme at the time to me. and now i'm so much older, and it seems that i am doing things that are even less sensible. maybe i just never really pushed myself hard enough, or understood what my limits were?

when fasting in the past, i generally didn't exercise. i would often try to do a 15 minute thing where i did some pushups, situps and leg/rear exercises, to hold onto tone. sometimes, though, i just didn't have enough energy. i found cardiovascular more difficult, more likely to make me feel sick. so if i did any exercise, i would try to do it in the initial days of the fast, knowing that it would become more difficult as the time went on. walking was manageable. it's interesting how just a couple hundred calories can make a difference to absolute fasting when it comes to helping to do a little exercise.

i haven't had the energy to try to create a better image for the wedding card. and if it were pointed out to me that it would be more ideal for me to spend more time on things like that and less on my body, i'd just have to shrug. even if i weren't exercising, i might not be able to work on the card. it's very iffy what i'm actually able to do creatively, and i don't have a lot of control over when inspiration comes or when i have enough energy to work on something.

yes, i'm selfish. i'm working on something for me, something that might help me to have a few moments of enjoyment before it all slips away again. i've made a lot of images for my website at this point. none of them have a lasting quality or something that would cause them to stand out as exceptional. the image i've created for the wedding makes sense considering the situation and how well i know the people.

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06/07/06

15:26 pronounced buzzing or tingling feeling in my body today. have completed first batch of exercise. it feels like coffee and chocolate would go very well with this state. or alcohol. anyway, it's somewhat pleasant.

it was difficult to do the exercise, though. a minor complication added stress, and i also notice that i'm pretty fatigued.

i got a note from the doctor's office, reminder that i'm due for a pap smear. i don't reallly care about if i'm due for one or not, the only reason i generally have gone for them every two years here is so that i am prescribed my birth control pills without hassle. so i'm currently wondering if i could somehow fit it in before the trip. my doctor is on maternity leave, so i'd have to have a replacement doctor. if i don't get this over with now, i will have to deal with it sometime in the next couple of months, unless i finally decide to just stop taking the pill. it's not needed for birth control. i take it to make sure i don't have horrifying painful periods. it wouldn't be a bad time to get it over with now, because who knows how long i'll be in a chaotic state when i return. i'm just holding on now, and i still have almost 3 weeks to go to hold myself together. even though i can't have the doctor i'm most comfortable with, i almost think it would be better to get it over with, plus i can at the same time go with gk for a dentist's appointment. he's had a recurrent problem lately, and is ready to check it out. the doctor and dentist offices are in the same space.

i will think about it, and possibly book an appointment later. it is usually possible to book something at a moment's notice at this place. i have to wait and see if an outbreak develops. that's always an issue with pap smears, and one of the reasons it's good that appointments can often be booked at a moment's notice. i don't currently have an outbreak, or signs or symptoms. [there is an annual source of stress related to renewing my prescription. and when it's over, i think, ok, at least this is settled for one more year. will i be dead by next year?]

so, i think that that minor issue has been sufficient to throw off my mental concentration a little. such that i feel a bit of confusion about what to do, etc. but, it helps that i completed my 3 hour block of exercise this morning. i'll keep going with the exercise, try to get through today and tomorrow. i was thinking of not taking saturday as a rest day as i planned, and going right through, though. that way, i could possibly have tuesday as a 'free' day, and could go for the appointment then.

another thing that's been coming into my mind is the urge to go out somewhere and get my hair done. and it becomes a bit chaotic because i have the thought that at this point this aspect of things is more important than trying to lose every last ounce i can before the trip.

and meanwhile, i thought i had come to the conclusion that it was ok to just relax, and face the trip as i am hairwise, not do anything rash, and maybe when i'm in melbourne i'll feel like getting something done when i have time to look around.

unnecessary complications and worries. so i'm trying to keep it as simple as i can. i'll try to exercise today and tomorrow, and see how i feel about everything.

i wonder, are my internal organs swaddled or swimming in fat?

i guess all the warnings they give about eating disorders are similar to a lot of other health warnings. they have to overdo it to cover all bases, probably. and probably the majority of people like me, who tend to develop eating disorders partly because they find they can't compete as well if they accept their normal size, have strong, robust systems that take a long time to wear down.

a lot of people do extreme things to their bodies all the time. for example, extreme drinking on weekends, at college, with friends or alone, and some of the behaviours associated with that. it seems to me than in a lot of cases, the human body is capable of putting up with a lot of abuse.

so, i've still been doing 4.5 hours per day. this will only be the 5th day of it, with 4 to go after today. but i still have to finish today. at times, even one more step seems incredibly difficult. but i'm in a kind of routine, i have created a kind of structure that may hold for now, and until i leave.

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07/07/06

15:07 same buzzing, tingling. i think i might actually feel sort of relaxed. maybe it's a kind of exhaustion. still going on with the plan.

today i've had cramping and spotting, although my period isn't due to start for another 9-10 days. this happened when i was in sydney, for the whole time i was there, and didn't stop until i came back here and resumed a more 'normal' eating pattern. (for me.)

as i finish each tape one more time, i say to myself, only 3 more times to do this one, etc.

if i don't exercise, what is there to do here on a friday night? i might as well do the second session in a while.

for the last two nights i've dreamed of food a little. last night i was planning a binge in one dream and the night before i was cutting up broccoli into portions and giving some of it to possums and eating the rest. [a comment that i'm eating as little as a possum?]

i crave chocolate and dessert type items more than anything else, and coffee. a pizza coupon was in the mail yesterday, but i'm not thinking about pizza so much. croissants or crusty bread heated up with cream cheese and that special 3 colour cheese with herbs, sundried tomato and vintage cheddar. but mostly the chocolate and dessert and coffee type of stuff.

i do want to be able to stop this ridiculous routine i am in, but at the same time, there's no denying that being able to complete something so difficult is probably going to give me more confidence than i'd otherwise have. i still realize that i may have to go a little more easily if things feel seriously off.

there'a a little twinge/stress in my left ankle that's most noticeable during high impact. judging from past experience, it's not too bad, and i should be able to manage 3 more days of my current exercise lineup.

i have to keep bracing myself, even just to get out of bed in the morning. but i keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow the day passes.

i really would like to have something different to eat. [still just eating weet-bix and longlife skim milk, nothing else] but i remind myself that soon it will happen. only 5 more days. and perhaps this effort beforehand will help me to enjoy it more when i finally allow myself to have something appealing.

don't get me wrong, at times it's like my brain is screaming out for food, rest, comfort, something. but i'm focused in such a way that i shut it down or shut it out before it can get very far. i have now relaxed into the routine such that hunger pains are easier to ignore as well. at times i really don't notice so much, even when if i examine it i can see that i'm experiencing a strong feeling of hunger.

everything is put on hold, too much stress to deal with for now. all is concentrated on this effort. my old problems will not go away, and in fact it seems inevitable that when i return i will collapse into my usual patterns and problems. but for now i have a chance at a moment of life that is different to usual, and which might give me some kind of stimulation that somehow i need.

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i don't think that as/if the years go by i will be able to keep increasing the extremeness of the efforts to compensate for my excesses and for my increasing age. at a certain point it probably just won't be possible to do anywhere near as much.

i guess all thoughts seem to revolve around food at present, and the moment of release.

i booked an appointment to get my hair done on tuesday. maybe it's a mistake. i never got used to the perm, although i was able to use it to create photos. this time, rather than getting a curly perm, i'm going to try a body wave. my hair needs body. i don't think any cutting edge cuts or colours can do enough with my hair. i could be wrong, and i could be about to ruin my hair again for the next 3 years, but at this point i'm so tired of my hair, and so hopeless about it that it seems like it might be a good idea to try *something* in an attempt to shake me out of my rut. i don't know who to consult about it, and i only ever have so much energy for dealing with the 'professionals'. so, i'll take a risk and see where to go from there. perhaps if it's a horror i can later go and get it cut, and hopefully a little body will be left over to help it hold the shape of a new cut.

sometimes you have to say what the fuck.

i know i'm cutting it close and if i hate it i won't have much time to figure out what to do with it, but sometimes it's necessary to take a risk. i was seriously dismayed with my hair before going to new york, but i still went.

sometimes it's easy to give up if you have a bad experience and never try again. but the hair issue remains and the fact remains that although i don't mind my current colour, and also find my hair soft, i am not comfortable or pleased with my hair. i am constantly in hiding mode. perhaps if i had more exciting hats i might be content to leave it alone, but every time i try i can't seem to find what i'm looking for, and hats always seem to be too big for my head. i realize there are ways to 'size' them, but i haven't actually seen any yet that were right for me.

i'm not sure it makes sense to make a rash decision about the hair, but i feel like i want to try to do something, so i will take this risk.

when i do aerobics, some of the cabinets or bookshelves in the living room move, and i find it inhibiting. mostly during jumping moves.

i change some of the moves on the tapes, the ones i dislike the most, although i don't change some i don't like. time goes by, and so many things are always left unaddressed. before i went to sydney, and i was thinking 5 more times to do this tape, 4 more times, etc, i was actually hoping that i'd never do them again. that i'd find some other way. sometimes i wonder when the original tapes will finally wear out. i thought they would have by now. i've had them for almost 5 years. but gk made copies of all of them for me in case they do wear out.

i know it's only 5 more days, but in some ways it feels like the time is going slower. i know that today soon i will have to try to shut out all other thoughts, and just try to do my second session of exercise, and then i can relax for friday night.

friday exercise has often been easy, because it's the last day of the week for me and i get saturday as a rest. however, this time i'm going to try to keep going through until monday, which makes it a bit difficult. so that i can have tuesday as a free day.

once i complete my second session today, there are just 3 more days of my routine. and when i complete the second session today, i will have done this routine for 6 days in a row.

but i do remind myself i've put in a lot of effort, and that maybe at some point i will need to stop. the most likely is that i will be able to keep going, and nothing will happen to surprise the routine.

but i almost feel like it's not as essential to complete it 'exactly' as i've had in my mind, the way i managed to do before going to sydney. this is a different occasion, and in a way i don't mind if the effort leading up is different.

i feel like i want to be able to enjoy food in melbourne, not spend the first week or more restricting severely.

i have been starting off with a light weight tape, then i follow with 3 aerobics tapes. the first aerobics is high impact, the second two are low impact. in a way it makes sense to do the weights after aerobics, so that it has more of an effect, but i find the weight tape the most difficult to motivate myself to do, so i get it over with first.

i also realize you're not supposed to do the same exercises every day, but this is part of my bare minimum effort. trying hard, but still not really able to get past certain hurdles. i think my muscles might be ok enough to be able to recover overnight by now, though.

the second session consists of toning exercises specifically for me to target what i need to, and pretty much through the whole thing i'm feeling the 'burn'. [this workout is designed by me.] i'm not sure, but i think this one seems to have the most effect on tightening things up. it would probably be good if i could do it more regularly when not in extreme mode, but it's not particularly fun, and it's difficult to motivate myself.

the second part of the second session is yoga.

and all of that makes up the 4 and a half hours.

and now maybe i've passed enough time and i can get started on my second session for today.

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19:13 i managed the second session. i notice this evening that my tongue might be even more coated-looking than the last time i mentioned it. i measured, and i am drinking a little over 2 litres of water every day. i wonder if there's some problem, like i'm low in sodium or something, and there's no way to hold the water in my body.

i'm finding the cold very hard to deal with this evening. it's 20 C on the thermometer at present, but to me feels colder.

very lonely. thinking about the years, the patterns, and when i do things like this... when i think of the results, i wonder, were they ever worth the effort? but i don't think that's the correct focus. the effort was worth it to me, but the actual results were never what i wanted, because i just can't be what i'd want to be. i was looking at things always unrealistically.

will a couple of more pounds really make so much difference? not really, probably, but if i stop now i risk losing control and screwing up the chance for something different. and it's not that i haven't looked at the angle that maybe i just don't really want to go anywhere or do anything. i've approached it that way lots of times. and when i don't go anywhere or do anything, the time is so slow and i find that unbearable. it seems i need to occasionally shock my system in some way.

and i know there are so many people who don't understand the loss of control, how it all leads to a chain of events. just stop. but i've tried to approach things that way, and i can't.

i would like to try to do the same exercise routine tomorrow and sunday, at least.

everything is so uncomfortable in winter. except sleeping. that part is good. more comfortable than summer. but walking around, even just going to the toilet all the time to let out the water. dressing and undressing, especially for exercise.

do other people here feel the cold? do they have heat in their houses in winter, or does everyone get used to it from childhood? energy consciousness deeply ingrained, maybe. i am a bit tempted to use the little heater in my room tonight, but it might be better to try to do without.

not sure what to do about the coated tongue. my mouth feels dry, but i've already poured so much water into myself that i feel i can't stand any more.

it occurred to me that at the wedding there might be people walking around with video cameras. even normal cameras are intimidating. i had forgotten about these possibilities when i made a commitment to go to the wedding. i hope i can find ways to cope when i'm there. the thinner i am, the better i will cope.

the beginning of yoga was difficult tonight. i felt so bored that it felt almost impossible to continue on with it, i just wanted it all to stop. but it got better as i went along, and i managed. 3 more times?

it does feel like an accomplishment when i'm done, though. i guess i have to admit that. it still feels like there's a lot to do. so many hours still.

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when people say an addiction is not about the food, the drugs, the sex, etc, i think they're partly wrong. i think people do use these things to cope with difficult emotions and block things out, but i also think there's something in the particular addiction that says something about the person that is important. when it comes to food, why can't part of it be that certain people are very attracted to food, are overwhelmed by advertising and availability and too many products to choose from and have a natural human weakness? food is a pleasure, and if it didn't cause problems some people might actually choose it as a hobby? yes, i know some people do. but the ones with problems can't realistically say it's not *at all* about the food. or at least i don't feel that i can say that.

i've kept thinking through the years that i have the potential to at some point live the rest of my life spontaneously, not stop and start, and just keep going at an intense pace until the end. will that ever happen? i have brief thoughts about staying in melbourne, not coming back, but realistically, when i'm there, i can imagine i will probably long for a 'safe' place to come back to to rest for a while. and maybe in a way living here gives me the most possible options for me personally, and the most chance for what i 'need'.

ok, maybe that's enough for tonight. just try to pass the time quietly until bed.

[i am eating nothing but weet-bix and longlife skim milk, still 450 calories approximately worth per day.]

oh, i forgot to mention that i realize also that my own workout and all my workouts are not 'ideal' in a lot of ways, i should know better, and do smarter things, but once i get going, although i do often change things up a little, and add things as time goes on, it's just too difficult to try harder. i usually rationalize that the more i'm doing the more likely i am to be using energy. i sometimes worry that some of the exercises actually set back my progress because i'm always too overloaded in certain areas, but once i'm in the routine, i just keep trying to keep going as long as i can.

sometimes i've noticed that less time and effort spread out over a longer period seems to have a better effect than short term blitzes, and i also realize that a pattern of intense effort followed by a couple of months off might prevent me from ever getting fitter. it does seem that consistency is important. however, with me consistency will probably always be unrealistic, so it's a matter of trying to find out how many 'blitzes' over what period of time can begin to have an effect i like.

it does feel like i can probably never manage enough. i let my body get to the state it's in, without stopping it years ago, even when i was aware then that i should try. i was aware from childhood of the importance of monitoring these things, and was determined to do it, but it looks like i was a different kind of person after all.

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08/07/06

14:29 i have completed the first session, and again have a calm, relaxed feeling. i've been experiencing a lot of menstrual type cramps. normally, i'd take paracetamol, but i have decided not to, at least for now. there is discomfort, but it's presently supportable. i seem to experience these cramps for significant lengths of time. still spotting. still coated tongue, but today the mouth feels less dried out. my facial skin looks drier than normal, though, which bothers me. i am considering steaming my face, to help loosen up old skin, remove a little to at least try to improve the appearance of the skin. however, steaming can lead to ruddiness, which i'd like to avoid. maybe if i do it soon the ruddiness will disappear in a few days, on time for the trip.

i've had recurrent thoughts about loblaws superstores. fantasies of going in and buying a whole lot of things. or having the place to myself for a while, until i stock up.

nanaimo bars, pecan tarts, pecan cookies, even bagels. bulk cereal packages. sweet cereal, in particular. they would sell a variety of sweet cereals in one package at a discount price. sweet cereal makes a good binge item. it lasts a long time, it's easy to vomit, and it's generally even low in fat to start with. but i'd even like other cereals, like lowfat quaker harvest crunch, the one with dates and almonds and whatnot, corn bran, life, and quaker flavoured oatmeal in the huge variety pack. (cereal here seems to be monumentally expensive, and when you go to a larger size, you don't seem to get any advantage, or much of an advantage. note added later: i recently had a look around and find i may have been mistaken about bulk cereal here. it seems there may be more options than i thought or was aware of a few years ago, particularly with 'healthier' cereals.)

i've also had thoughts of duckworth's (halibut) fish and chips.

and because i tried here to find seafood i like but have been mostly unsuccessful, i'd pretty much settle for going to red lobster in canada. and i'd like the alaskan king crab legs in butter, something with shrimp, and maybe lobster, also in butter, but i might want to try more things.

why when i think of canada do i think of food more than anything else there? and i think unfortunately that my fucked up patterns caused me to feel abandoned by everyone in my life. it was like there was no choice for them, or for me.

after my second visit to gk, and i came back to the apartment and my ex had cleared out, left it to me, my ex took me to the nearby loblaws superstore so i could get what i needed.

in a way, it was like a fantasy. i was pretty thin at the time, as far as my personal record goes in recent years, and i just went in and bought everything i wanted. and i think that although at times i might have overdone it and felt unpleasantly sick, most of the first week might actually have been enjoyable.

if i saw my family, i think i'd be most interested in seeing my brothers, getting drunk and going out dancing. i think i'd like gk to be there. i also have thought that if we ate together, i'd probably like a bbq cheeseburger the way most of them make it, if they use the thin premade patties from loblaws. (i don't like the thicker ones.)

wow, that's pretty sad and pathetic, and maybe i'm a monster. i suppose i'm like addicts everywhere, but maybe even more removed from usual human functioning when it comes to family relationships. the tendency seems to be to look down on addicts and blame them for their choices and weakness, but often when i see them portrayed, it seems that there might be interesting reasons that their lives developed as they did.

i haven't asked anyone in my family for money. when i borrowed small sums ($5-25) from my father when i ran out before the end of the month, i always paid him back when i got my next cheque.

i wonder what the gossip is about me. i wonder what they think about me writing that i thought it unlikely that i'd ever come back to canada? perhaps i'll never know.

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09/07/06

14:51 i feel extremely burnt out today. i did the first session of exercise, but it was extremely tedious. i feel like i never want to see those tapes again. however, i do notice that my entire routine seems to be having results. unfortunately, it looks like i'd have to keep it up for longer than 3 weeks. i suppose it's something to consider when i return. to eat more food, and continue exercising to see what i can do. i don't know how realistic that is, though. probably not very.

48.8 kg this morning. i had lots of cramps, and a gush of very red blood, whereas most of it up until now has been old, brown blood. i needed to wear a tampon today, instead of just a panty liner. lying on my stomach with the electric blanket on felt soothing to my abdomen.

it seems like compared to what i've done, there isn't so much exercise left to do. so what's the big deal. but every step is dragging for me now. i haven't had a break, i increased exercise very quickly in a short period of time, i'm hardly eating anything, i find it uncomfortably cold here (this morning it was 15 C in the house), i have menstrual cramps and probably the biggest present issue is stress related to all the little odds and ends that need to be done before i leave. everything from getting the cell phone hooked up and arranged, to recharging batteries, to deciding what to bring, to grooming issues, getting my hair done, working out final plans for the wedding, and going to the dentist with gk.

but if i can get the second session done today, i think i will be pleased, and will be ready to compromise if necessary in order to help me cope with the rest of the issues. i don't like the idea of going too long without exercising so close to the trip, and 3 days (monday, tuesday, wednesday, although i'm travelling wednesday) is a lot when i probably need the exhaustion exercise provides to at least calm me down a little. i like to exercise right up until the day i go, partly so if i get no exercise while i'm away, the effects of what i have done won't disappear as quickly, or seem to.

after the second sesson today, i had only originally planned to do one more day of a total of 4.5 hours, plus walking with gk at night around the neighbourhood. i might try to do the 3 hour block in the morning, the walks with gk monday and tuesday, and perhaps leave it at that. but even if i could just get through the second session today, i might feel i can cope with that.

the little twinge in the ankle is probably more in the top of the foot under the outside ankle bone. it hasn't gotten worse, and it actually seemed less pronounced today. it isn't evident at all times, just occasionally. one more day of jumping shouldn't be a problem. and after that if i don't do any high impact for a while, there shouldn't be any problem at all. even if i continued, though, i think it's the kind of thing that would get better pretty quick.

i managed to do a little bit of housecleaning last night. nothing major. but i think it will help if i return here and things don't seem as overwhelming to get on top of. that was one of the things i was thinking of as expendable if necessary, though. if i'm in emergency mode, the important thing is to try to avoid as much stress as possible, and just do what i can cope with. i find the house temperature so uncomfortable that even beginning housecleaning takes a lot more motivation than usual.

anyway. gk returns tonight. my routine won't be the same. there will be more stress in certain ways. but, at the same time, it will be good to have a change in the routine, and good to have gk's company and support through the time that is left.

i make a list of the little tasks that need to be done, and cross them off as i go along. it's really not so much longer now. in a way, it almost feels like it's rushing upon me, although at the same time things still are unbearably slow and boring when exercising.

i will probably have to psych myself to do the second session today. hopefully i will manage.

18:34 i managed the second session. i feel like i never want to do these exercises again. heh. i'll just have to see where things go from here. i think that if i can't manage any tomorrow that i have actually put in a good effort. i didn't give myself enough time to prepare properly for this trip. i sabotaged it early on. and so for bare minimum standards, i think i've done better than might have been expected. my body is still a mess, but the main object, which became to focus on the trip, and to get myself there, is likely to be a success. i think i'm going to be able to cope with the trip. er, unless my hair is even worse than the previous perm.

in a way, i admit that it feels good to have done the exercise i've done over the time gk has been away, and also to have 'freshened' up the house for his return. it's like feeling cleaner, in a way.

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11/07/06

20:24 it looks like i will be going on the trip. all perms should be avoided at all costs by me in the future, but at least i got one that will relax out in 8-10 weeks this time. i do have more fullness to my hair. i am perhaps ready to accept that i may be a hat person, and that it would be best to invest my energy in finding interesting head coverings.

i do sort of feel i've accomplished something. i have stayed in control, and finished most of the tasks i set for myself. i'm going to try not to put things on hold in melbourne, but to actually feel like i am living in the moment.

i wish myself well.

i will weigh myself one last time in the morning, but i probably won't have any time to write anything further before i leave.

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12/07/06

19:32 i'm here in the flat. it's quite nice, and i think i will enjoy the time here. it will be like having my own apartment for a couple of weeks.

i had three seats to myself on the plane. for lunch, they served a large panini sandwich with pastrami, cheese and some tomato-pepper thing. it wasn't bad. i still haven't had coffee. that's for tomorrow.

i went out for a walk on my own when i arrived.

first, it was an expensive cab ride, and i made a half-hearted effort to question the cabbie about it, (for the distance we travelled, compared to other australian cities, it seemed to me that he charged almost double.) but wasn't sure of the facts, and let it go. i suppose i'll see what it costs on the way back to compare. anyway, it wasn't overly stressful. [note: i later learned it was a normal price. the distance is further than in other cities. partly because much of it is travelled on a highway at high speed it seems to pass more quickly.]

second, the meeting in the apartment went well. i found kirstin friendly, encouraging. i'm not sure i took everything in, but basically the meeting left me with good feelings, only a little stress. my hands were shaking a little when i rang her from the airport (on my new mobile) to let her know i was coming, but i handled the phone call relatively well, for me.

i went for a walk to look around and to procure some supplies. i think it's good that i did, because i may want to spend some time in the flat without having to go outside.

it was a busy time of day, i guess people were getting off work when i started walking around, so in some ways it was kind of overwhelming. there were some very cute little passageways or laneways that i got a quick glimpse of, though. everybody was in a rush.

my first goal was to find haigh's. i went there not to buy the wedding present, but to buy some truffles for myself. that accomplished, i tried to find a bakery, but had more trouble. i didn't have trouble finding a liquor store and grocery store, although shopping at this time seems to be a daunting task. the grocery store especially was overcrowded, and the aisles were much too narrow, and the place was very disorganized, not intuitive, and there wasn't nearly as much selection as in the suburbs. i found myself thinking that perhaps i really am getting old if i do prefer suburban shopping. in other ways also, it occurred to me that the people rushing home from work were largely still in the game, still with goals and plans that i am very far from, and i felt that perhaps i was very far from finding any kind of kindred.

i bought bailey's irish cream.

a fruit platter consisting of honeydew melon, apples and pears was left for me in the apartment. as were a handful of mini chocolate bars.

i have decided to try to just eat 'normal' portions while i am here.

today is my first day of having 'real' food after the past weeks of deprivation. for dinner, i ate a pear, an apple and half a crusty roll with cheese.

tomorrow i am planning to go out and choose a cafe at which to have coffee and dessert.

the food i bought at the grocery store will probably last the entire time i'm here if i eat reasonable portions (aside from the bread - i will need to go out and get fresh bread), and also go out for coffee and many of my meals.

what about the idea of eating all meals out? during my walk, i realized that it wouldn't be realistic, or even enjoyable for me to do it like that, and more and more this trip seems like an opportunity to get in touch with who i am and what i really like and want. it also seems like a chance for me to live the fantasy of having my own apartment in a big city, and to also possibly have a brief period during which i can eat in a semi-normal way, while enjoying the food.

i will need to go out tomorrow to buy toilet paper. there is one roll here, but as this is a self-catering apartment, after that i'm on my own. i also have in my mind that at some point i will need to buy the wedding present chocolates. i have a vague idea of a few places i want to try to find, but i'll wait and see how things go, and how i feel after having some coffee. today, with all the stress of the flight and meeting kirstin i am probably a bit worn out. (especially considering all the stress leading up to this day.)

oh, i almost forgot. this morning, the scale read 47.8kg. i asked gk for his conversion calculator, and it came out to (rounding) 105.4 lbs. that's the lowest it's been in some time, and i feel pleased.

while packing last night, i felt overwhelmed. i felt bogged down by all of the things i was packing, not sure if i'd even have a chance to wear most of it or make use of it. i decided to change things up and pack as lightly as possible. so, i ended up taking only my purse backpack (very small), my computer case, and the larger backpack i was wearing the day i was attacked by the dog. gk was surprised that i managed to get everything i needed for two weeks into so little packaging, but i feel very relieved that i decided to do so. most of the time it will probably be cold here, and if i'm out, a coat will cover what i'm wearing anyway. even inside, if it gets very cold i will need to wear a coat inside.

anyway, i feel like i did the right thing. i can always go shopping for an outfit or two if i feel like it.

i really like the apartment. it is very similar to the photos, but when you're actually in it, it's sort of more comfortable for moving around than you can see in the photos. there is a lot of space. there may be a few movies here i can watch, although i'm not so sure about the book choices. there's some classical music, which i'm not sure yet if i'll check out, but we'll see as time goes on.

having a mobile phone takes some getting used to.

i am interested to see how the time here will progress, what i will feel like doing, etc. so far, i think it's a very good experiment.

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13/07/06

14:53 first day. i just got back from walking around. i bought the wedding chocolates. i went to the victoria markets and looked around, and later purchased semi-dried tomatoes and swiss cheese. even on a thursday everything was swarming from an early hour, and i found it somewhat overwhelming. it was difficult to find a cafe that looked inviting to me personally. after walking around a lot, i eventually bought a little triple chocolate mousse cake (a little individual serve miniature that was beautifully presented), and grabbled a large cappuccino from michel's, sitting down in a soft chocolate brown booth at michel's.

unfortunately, i had a bit of a nose dribbling problem today when i slowed down, and at the mousse place i think i scared off a couple of customers while dabbing at my nose, looking in my compact, re- dabbing, etc. also, i think the serving persons were turned off by me, and treated me kind of coldly. also, i was clumsy enough to bump another woman who was sitting down. heh, i suppose these things happen. i tried not to let it bother me too much.

the nose dripping thing was a bit of a problem later, also, and something i'll have to bear in mind when walking most days. otherwise, the walking didn't go too badly. i was comfortable, body temperature was comfortable and walking boots are excellent.

i am trying to top up my chocolate quota to tweak my buzz today. er, except i seem to have spoiled a few haigh's chocolates in trying to get them to a suitable temperature. the truffles felt hard as rocks, and i thought it was maybe a bit too cold in here, so i microwaved them. i know it's best not to, but i just wanted to soften them a little. the microwave here seems to be quite hot, didn't seem to have a 'low' setting, and it didn't take long to cause them to mush. so now they're in the freezer. ack. oh well, i'll be a lot more careful with the remainder.

tomorrow i plan to check out st. kilda, the southbank area and see if i can find the infamous cake shops in st. kilda.

(i have still decided to eat the 'spoiled' chocolates.)

while walking around, it was rather intimidating, the speed of everyone, and the realization that some persons might have been poking fun at me. however, like everywhere else, there seem to be souls out there who try to make eye contact or offer a warm or inquiring look.

i also came to the realization that i probably am dead, and fading out of life. the markets here reminded me a bit of the adelaide markets and to some extent the sydney hay st markets, and the feeling of similarity in a vague sense evoked a kind of worry that maybe i'm not alive enough to truly appreciate travel. or no, i'm not able to figure out how to articulate it yet. i think a big thing that is missing for me is a method or means of connecting with people. i think interaction is missing in travel for me, interaction on a personal level, and it's probably necessary in order to pull me in on a more significant level. otherwise, in a sense i just feel like i'm killing time or wandering lost. i don't have any real need to do anything, and many of the shopping places here are similar to those in sydney, and what is different is street names, and perhaps the cute little laneways with unusual shops and whatnot.

fuck, fuck, mental chatter related to embarrassing things i said. but, shaking it off, it's not really a big deal. all of my life i have said these silly things when in public, and i probably always will, despite my best efforts to reform myself, or even take a deep breath, go as slow as possible, etc, nothing really ever seems to work. so, accept it in the moment, and move on.

i do feel i want to die. i do feel half-pulled out of life. and yet it continues, and i continue to try to make it more bearable or variable while i'm here. i think i'm ready to accept though that i have slowed down to a suburban crawl, that i like the variety and space available further from the city, that i even like the non- intimidation factor involved with getting coffees and desserts at chains. with company, i think i'd soak up the atmosphere better at some places, but even with company, i may never totally get over the intimidation factor.

er, so what's with all the cheese? heh. it's not that i think i will eat it all myself. when gk comes, a lot of my food supplies could disappear a lot more quickly, and if things go well, i will still have some or a lot of this stuff when he arrives. it would be nice if i could stretch it all out, and just enjoy reasonable portions of things i like for this holiday.

i'm not sure i actually have a chocolate-coffee buzz. i think when i stop writing i might sit and listen to music or watch a video and see if i can listen to my body a little more, with fewer distractions, and with the stress of the day's walking tuned out.

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i haven't had anything to eat today except chocolate and coffee. later, i will probably need to make a sandwich to balance all the caffeine and sugar.

it's still fairly early today, but there are enough movies to keep me busy for today, i think.

i don't think it's colder inside here than at home. it may actually be warmer. at night, i needed to put on the portable heater for a while to heat up my bedroom, and i needed the extra blankets on the bed, and i slept in a sweater and flannel pajama pants, but that's just me. i often find it difficult to warm up the bed at bedtime without an electric blanket. my tactics here did help me to sleep very comfortably, though.

ah, i think the chocolate rush is possibly kicking in.

a note about my excessive need for privacy: i am not actually sleeping in or using the main bedroom as my room. i feel rather exposed in it, as the large windows with non-opaque blinds let the building across the way see right in. there are lots of offices, and whatnot, and many of the lights are on all night. at present, i have all the blinds open (living room and bedroom, and i am currently at the dining table facing toward the window), but that is my compromise, my effort to push myself a little out of my comfort zone.

i saw some luggage today that i liked. i am not sure it's practical for travelling in europe, it's not as 'natural' as a big backpack, but it's the first item i've seen in a while that really strikes me as something i would just like to have. they're sort of 'designer' pieces, and more expensive than i'd normally think of (not obscenely so, though), but they are an item that just stays with me as something i'd like to have. we'll see. i may decide to purchase them. (it's a set of two pieces.)

maybe that's enough for now. (when i think i've made it through enough of the day being on display, i will close up the blinds. maybe soon, as i am also thinking of putting on looser pants.)

ah, almost forgot. today is my ex's 40th birthday. in a way, i wanted to get a nice chocolate dessert today to celebrate in my own way, in combination with my first day of having coffee in a long time. i hope things are going well for him. i'm guessing that they probably are.

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14/07/06

a very long walk today. i started just after 9:00, and only sat down for a short time for coffee and a snack until a little after 17:00. i do not feel tired or worn out at all. my boots were perfect. no blisters, no discomfort at all. today wasn't a bad day. i tried on an outfit that really suited me, i didn't mind my hair or makeup at least early on in the day, and i was confident enough to handle being out without feeling overly stressed.

i think that now i will probably stay in for a couple of days, just watching movies, and possibly listening to music and reading, and eating some of my stored food.

i had it in mind that i might go and buy the luggage i spoke of, but i couldn't find the shop, and after some other shopping, it didn't really seem so essential. it might have been a momentary interest only.

i stocked up on various items i will need, bras, tights, lipstick. i bought a new umbrella, because i have meant to for some time. i bought perfume. a new outfit which includes a skirt with a very high waist that suits me very well, even with my current hair issues. i also bought a dress that is kind of different. i forget everything i bought at the moment, but in a way it wasn't so bad to shop today.

not enough time for st. kilda today. that can be a trip for another day. i do know where a lot of the places are that i will direct gk to when he comes. i have also spotted the places listed on the little personalized map kirstin made on her website. i don't know how to get to the penguin stampede, or to mink, but i suppose those details can be worked out when gk arrives. i think it will be a relief to just stay in for a couple of days.

on monday i have to go pick up the skirt, which i dropped off to have altered. it came with suspenders that were too loose. so, a minor alteration.

when i was walking near or at the southbank promenade, a guy who i think was with a friend whistled at me. (i wasn't totally sure it was directed at me, but the next part makes me think that maybe it was.) i ignored him, which caused him to yell out 'hail, satan!', i think to try to attract my attention. i guess it was a comment related to all the black i'm wearing, including the lace up to the knees leather boots.

so, i walked for almost 8 hours today. i had a latte instead of a cappuccino. one thing i've noticed both days is that there might have been a slight bitter twinge to both of the coffees i had. i wonder if in places that have a high amount of traffic if it's difficult to keep things fresh, the equipment fresh, or something along those lines.

last night i felt the rush kick in very strongly as i sat down to watch tv. later on, i felt a few symptoms of caffeine overdose, but it didn't keep me up all night. tonight i will have some savoury food and probably something chocolate a little later.

when looking in the mirror here, it's a length i like. i notice that my stomach and the front of my hips look quite good, and that i also look nice and trim when trying on clothes in stores. today i have sort of been wishing that i could keep my weight at what it is, and maintain my fitness level. however, at home the mirrors aren't quite as flattering. that goes for my face as well. oh well, this is one thing to enjoy while i'm here. i don't know. it's kind of like i don't mind the way i look, body, face, hair, makeup, etc. it's not a bad time.

i went to an internet cafe briefly today, just to check email and my site, but nothing is really up. so i'll ring gk tonight to see how his dentist appointment went, then i'll settle in to watch some movies. maybe i'll watch rage later.

a good day.

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15/07/06

14:00 approx. i just finished bingeing and vomiting. i couldn't hold much food compared to normal.

at first i had planned to just stay in today. but then i had a few more ideas about things to try hatwise and in some other areas. i think my ideas were basically positive, but involved more shopping. while i have the energy and the independence, take care of as much as i can now, before i lose the opportunity, something like that kind of rationale.

i washed my hair for the first time since i got it done. i had it in my mind that the first day it might be extra fluffy and a bit harder to work with. when i've had most of my perms, the ones i curled myself with a curling iron, i always used to like the day after washing better than the day i washed, and used to plan my schedule accordingly. i mean, the more 'important' occasions fell after the first day of washing.

i didn't want to wear the same scarf i'd been wearing. so i tried a few more options, and everything looked awkward to me. also, taking a shower forced me to have more contact with more of my body in bright lighting, and i was a bit dismayed. if i keep exercising, i think i can tighten things up more, but i do now have loose skin that no amount of exercise is likely to tighten up. i suppose women my age everywhere face these issues, if they've had children or not, gaining and losing weight or not, eventually gravity has an effect. we've all seen women who don't seem to suffer the same issues, or at least not to the same extent, and perhaps these have the best genes, and/or have been the most moderate in their lives. but probably most women make sure to focus on the positives, and make an attempt to hide or play down what is considered 'unappealing' in today's climate.

anyway, i could have just taken a break, like i originally planned, and sat around watching movies today. but it was suddenly like the artificiality of counting the hours before it is seemly to have another meal, the idea of divvying it all out over the time i'm here in perfectly reasonable and healthy ways became too much, and i wanted to go over to the dark side. (!)

and perhaps i gave in to self-pity also. saturday night, alone with nowhere to go, and no idea about where i'd go if i put in some effort. wanting to have some kind of significant personal interaction, but not seeing at all how to go about getting it. not seeing how i might be relevant to any person in this city. and knowing that yet again i'm in holding mode, holding on until the wedding celebration is over, until this trip is over, etc, with no real plan about what comes next, always aware of the inescapable void. in 11 days, i will be almost home. is home home?

is it ok to admit that i just don't really see anything in any kind of travel that is likely to feel overly satisfying to me? don't i feel dead, gone, out of it, barely here? aren't i enduring, even when i write that it has been a good day? aren't i trying to kill time? aren't i hoping for a kind of connection that is not likely to happen if i can't figure out some way to be involved in life on different levels? but if i do, would i really be true to who i am? am i dead? do i have anything to share. i don't know.

it's like i don't want to push my luck. i was able to be outside with a certain look, but now it feels like too long, and i need to change in order to be able to cope with more. i can't stay exactly the same, i need to put in more effort, create new stimuli. i think it's something like that.

i turned all the lights on in here to binge today. i am pretty sure the blinds are see-through, but i don't totally know for sure. i have heard more noises in the halls today than any other day, and each noise feels like an accusation, like people know about the disgusting bulimic who is fouling this nice apartment and the whole building with my sick presence. who want the owner of the apartment to know how i am taking advantage of what she's offered and spreading my sickness around without thinking about anyone's feelings.

i ate two servings of fresh pasta, half a bread roll with 3 kinds of cheese and some semi-dried tomatoes, about 100 ml i think of coke, 2 milk chocolate macadamia cookies, 1 chocolate peanut butter brownie thing and 8 individual serves of quick flavoured oatmeals. and i felt incredibly sick. i have a little bit of a buzz now, and i feel weak and shaky. i might do a second round in a while. i will kill some time writing, perhaps continue watching the french lieutenant's woman, maybe binge again, fix my makeup and then drink the bailey's. all of it tonight. i had originally a sort of plan in which i'd have a couple of drinks per night, but going over to the dark side is fun, and i am likely to drink it all tonight. i had hoped to avoid this, but as long as i get myself under control for most of the rest of this week i will still be ok for dealing with the wedding, and i probably won't gain too much. i am small enough at present that a couple of pounds gained will still leave me fairly small. compared to normal. anyway, like i said, it is kind of fun or a release to allow myself to fall. it's yet another break in the routine, and i'll see where it leads. i held it together for quite a while. it was a valiant effort. i need to accept who i am. it is nice to do it for myself, and it would be nice if i could maintain at this weight or lower, with a bit higher fitness level, but if that's not realistic for me, i at least did put in a good effort, and i've had a few moments of something like a kind of liberation. or steps on the way with a hopeful feeling.

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and now, a different kind of release. ugh, it's all so fleeting, it's all so hard to get closer to what feels most like release.

i guess i keep hoping when i put in these efforts that something will occur to help me along, to help me sustain things longer, or get to a new level of effort, or get to a place where i can find a kind of interaction that will give me more energy and motivation.

i don't know. it's been an eventful year, and i may be a long while processing all of it. i saw photos of this place on the web, just as i did of the vulcan hotel in sydney, and now i'm here, in the place. i am still me, in this place. but i am here.

maybe it will be fun to drink tonight. maybe i'll try to wait until later, and maybe there will be an interesting guest host on rage.

i don't really want to let gk down, let him know this happened, but it serves me right for playing up the positives so much on the phone the last couple of times we talked. i suppose he knows that i'm still me, and that i will always be prone to this sort of thing. that it is true to who i am to be self-destructive, i suppose. or self-indulgent, or excessive.

if i was planning to drink alcohol and eat excessively when i returned home, why not just do it now? why not be who i am? i guess the only thing is that i was in some ways liking some of the results of my efforts so far, and wanted things to stay the same or better for a while.

but the days are so long, and when you start spending too much time thinking about the minutes and how much time has passed and how much time it will be until the next reasonable meal, it doesn't take long before you just want out, just want to die and be done with it. it's so fucking tiresome.

i am glad, though, that i packed lightly, realistically. i suppose bringing more stuff might have been a sign of hope, a wish for possibilities or opportunities... but i'm glad i don't have all of this stuff, this chaos weighing me down. i have felt lighter, freer with less stuff, and walking when i've managed it has felt so comfortable that it's easier to cope with the little stresses that arise.

so, i'll drink alone tonight, knowing that there are others out there drinking or drugging in various ways alone, and also that some people with company feel alone, and i guess i'm just one little part of the whole, and i guess that i just don't know. and i guess that i just don't know.

kind of cold, and may put my coat on. or i may binge again. i do actually sort of want to eat some toasted muesli. it'll probably nag at me until i give in.

oh well, somehow this day will pass. i wonder how long i will need to stay inside to recover. my skirt will be ready on monday. can i dash out and pick it up? can i face the outside world that soon?

ok, maybe that's enough for now. and i wonder, how close to death am i? am i wrong about this feeling of fading out of life?

ah, one more thing i wanted to make note of for now: (but if i drink later, who knows, i may end up here again to pass more time and write more exceedingly pathetic drunken drivel to add to the other entries here.) when i arrived, the calendar in the kitchen was still set to the month of june. there was a michael leunig (sp?) illustration and a blurb about the state of your life, something about all the connectors, cables, adaptors, power cords, etc, all lying all around in disarray. the one for july has a sad guy sitting on a fence at night with a crescent moon above, with these words:

come sit down beside me
i said to myself,
and although it didn't make sense,
i held my own hand
as a small sign of trust
and together i sat on the fence.

oh, i almost forgot. i think i need to specify that at present the rest of the food feels like a weight i am carrying, and it's like i want to get it over with, i want to work my way through it and be done with it, since it seems inevitable now, i'd rather have the chance to be clear of it with a new chance as soon as possible.

i'm also afraid that because i've been eating so little that drinking will be unpleasant, and will just make me feel so sick. but i want to try to enjoy going over to the other side as much as possible, and so i hope that it turns out to be one of those times when my system has been weakened and tweaked in just the right ways to have an enjoyable time.

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16/07/06

12:31 while reading this whole thing over, i found a need to binge, even though that skirt needs to be picked up tomorrow and i wanted to try to wait until that was over with. i don't think i can. so maybe i will ring tomorrow and say i'll be later in the week. the thing is, she didn't give me a receipt, just took down my name and now i feel stupid for not handling it better. i just sort of assumed her business was casual, that that was her approach.

i think the thing i've enjoyed eating most during my holiday was the chocolate peanut butter brownie thing i had yesterday. i sort of wish i had another one or two. i might have procured more tomorrow, if i had been able to wait. but there is still lots of food here, and i am now resigned to my loss of control and will just have to see where things go.

15:46 two b/p sessions, very painful ones, but the food was slightly more enjoyable than yesterday. my capacity has already increased.

so much for being a tidy and respectful tenant. i have made an effort to clean my dishes, tidy up, freshen up and i vacuumed a little, and i've sorted my trash and will deal with finding the bins and recycle areas later.

i am dressed in comfy but shapeless clothes today. my pajamas, red flannel polka dot pants and my favourite soft old black sweater that is threadbare in places. i just washed my face and reapplied makeup. there is no binge food left, and i feel relieved. i think that next i will make a strong coffee and eat the last 6 haigh's truffles, hoping for a high.

i didn't wake up hungover. i felt ok. the day started fine. i ate an apple and a pear, and a couple of hours later had some oatmeal. it was at that point that i lost it, and just went with the loss of control, wherever that may lead.

will i spend the rest of this trip in the apartment? well, that was probably always a risk. when i was in sydney, wasn't it only the presence of housekeeping services that compelled me to go outside every day? here i don't have to. and the places i have had in my mind to check out, do i really want to, or were they tasks artificially set in order to make both myself and gk feel better about how i'm spending my time? isn't the reality of who i am rather dark and depressing? do i honestly want to go out?

i may still go out on my own volition to walk or explore more, or to kill time, or to shop or procure binge items, or a combination.

i don't actually feel too bad. maybe i'm resigned, or accepting of who i am. i know that i put in a difficult effort for this trip. i am inclined to cut myself some slack in the circumstances. and to just see where things go from here. it may be sad from certain perspectives, but i actually think i am enjoying many aspects of this trip.

it goes without saying that i am lonely, but i suppose that is a fact of existence, perhaps for most people.

i will probably not attempt to buy 'normal' supplies or groceries again while i'm here. i guess that something just happens, i notice time weirdly and just cannot pace my meals without more going on in my life to fill out the spaces in between.

so, my next approach is either to fast, to try to eat meals in cafes or restaurants, or to just grabble little snack items here and there. perhaps i'm even relieved for this potential change or forced alteration of my plans.

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and now, i find that i like the idea of having food and coffee with gk, someone to share with, and i feel that it will help me to enjoy the experiences more. and so i look forward to seeing him again. i feel lucky that he will put up with me and my fluctuations and variations, and all the crap they represent. i feel lucky to have a home. i feel lucky that i have the room, the space to be myself, however foul and unappealing that may be. and i feel regret if in words i am not conveying well the positives of my relationship with gk. i regret and feel guilt if it sounds mainly like i complain about him. it feels so unfair, on so many levels.

today i have been listening to the classical music cds in the flat. i've started out with anything that has 'romance' in the title. or something along those lines. romantic classics, masterpieces and now romance of vienna or something. i like this vienna one the least so far. i recognize what i've heard so far, but i don't have the sympatico with it. it's like a surface grandeur and pomp and ceremony that is full of life and vivacity, and while i appreciate it, it doesn't scratch the itch. out of the three so far, i liked the 'masterpieces' one best, there was range and subtlety in one song in particular, but i don't know what it was. anyway, i still haven't heard anything today i liked as much as what was in 'the piano teacher'.

it occurs to me today to make note of the fact that i felt it necessary to lie to the hairdresser when i went. i had prepared a lie beforehand, only to use as a measure of desperation if i felt i needed to in order to cope with the situation.

from the moment i arrived, i felt uncomfortable, and went into self-protective mode. however, i still felt i needed to go through with getting my hair done.

interestingly enough, the hairdresser did tell me that i presented as modern, and that encouraged me, and i think had something to do with why she suggested a modern cut and colour as opposed to the perm. it would have meant less money for her, so i admire her for bringing it up. however, i was nervous that i wouldn't know how to articulate what i wanted. she appeared to be suggesting something like her own haircut. i found her look modern, and thought it really suited her, but i didn't want my hair to be like hers, and i honestly didn't feel that in practice my hair was going to 'hold' with a good cut. i thought it might look good the moment i left, but that with certain weather conditions and time (hours in a day) it was likely to look as flat and shapeless as usual. i didn't know how to communicate well enough to figure out how to discuss something modern for me that would look different to her hair, communicated in a way that was diplomatic enough. and i'd sort of had in mind that first i wanted to just volumize my hair and work with it myself to create softness, curl. it was difficult to just give up a certain idea i had had. [in the end, it didn't work out the way i had imagined, and i again went into bare minimum mode. when i got home and tried to work with it, i couldn't really do anything, and i think it was because the layers were too long and my hair wouldn't hold curls when i tried the curling iron. i was remembering the 80s when layers were shorter and more plentiful, and at that time it was possible for my hair to hold curl better, and for me to seriously increase the volume.]

i was actually pretty horrified by the end result of this perm, including the hairstylist's attempt to style it. it was not as bad as the last one, but it was pretty bad. one of the redeeming features, however, was that it was looser, and that made it potentially easier to work with. also, there was the bonus of knowing it would all be back to normal in 8-10 weeks.

anyway, back to the lie. i was asked if i worked. if. and i had the opportunity to come clean, and it was like i couldn't do it. i wasn't comfortable, i didn't want to let these people in. i didn't feel safe. i felt that i may very well be the kind of person they laugh about once i'm out of the salon, and rather than own who i am, i hid. the lie i had prepared was that i helped gk with his business, by organizing and taking care of things at home, especially when he was away on site visits. i think gk might have been disappointed in me when i told him i had said that. i also didn't insist or even mention that i would like to be called xesce. and so in a way i feel that i 'deserve' the hairdo i got. not in the sense of punishment for a lie, but because perhaps i'm not strong enough or ready to stand up for or own who i am. which spilled over into my communication issues and made it more difficult for the hairdresser to give me something closer to what i truly want, or for me to seek out a more compatible salon or person. still, i feel it's a step up from last time, and my commitment to the perm or 'bad hair' is less serious. and i think it has helped me to cope with this particular trip to some extent. [for many days i was there, i actually quite liked the extra fullness of the perm and bit of smooth wave that i created by smoothing it out with a curling iron. the layers the stylist had created worked well with the effect.]

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at first, with this apartment, it was awkward, and i didn't know how much correspondence there would be or how much privacy i would want, and so i didn't write anything about 'xesce'. but once i did tackle that, it was like things improved a lot, and i haven't regretted it at all. i feel better about it. before i had done that, i had more worries about feeling out of place here, feeling like a black hick smudge on an artist's completed masterpiece.

and so in future, perhaps if i brave a hair salon again, in spite of my fears and privacy issues, it might be good for me if i could ask to be called xesce. it might help my communication and bravery levels overall.

i have now had a strong coffee and the last 6 truffles. i really like the white chocolate lemon ones. my other favourites are the coffee flavoured truffle, the actual chocolate truffle and the champagne truffle. i vaguely remember liking the shiraz truffle, but they were out of them when i bought my truffles.

i can feel a strong effect today.

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19/07/06

i've been out of control, experiencing a lot of the over-stuffed feeling, vomiting, unpleasantness, but at the same time, things haven't really been too bad. it's a matter of how far ahead i am, and how long this can go on before it becomes very, very bad. i don't really want it to continue. i am not enjoying the overindulging.

but it was like i had a lot of issues to work out through food, a lot of wishes or desires the food represented, and i had to go on a mission, i had to be brave enough to collect the foods i was drawn to so that i could make an attempt to process them. i was brave enough to complete my mission. i worked my way through some of the food, and threw out the rest.

at the same time, i have completed the tasks i set for myself here in melbourne. i walked to various areas, found out where certain places were. i think now i may stay in for the next few days recuperating, recovering from the excess, and in a minor, not completely strict fasting mode.

yesterday, i went for a tarot reading at spellbox. it felt natural. i was a little nervous, but in the moment i was able to articulate my wish for a reading, and it happened to all go well, the timing was good and i felt that it was the most positive and enjoyable tarot reading i have ever had. (i think i've had 3 others in my life.) i think the reader's name was shayna. she had an irish accent, and a very clear, beautiful voice. she had beautiful features and skin, and had the gift for reading. an odd combination in a way, because of the intuitive faculty combined with a kind of strong ability to focus or zero in practically, rationally, without abandoning sensitivity or intuition.

i think it was like her energy worked well with mine, and she helped me to focus as positively as possible without getting lost or overwhelmed. so, i think i got the most it was possible for me to get out of the experience.

i think i might want to try to jot down some of the details i remember.

but i might go here and there first. after the reading, i went to cafe no. 5 (it kinda has a chanel no. 5 theme), and i suppose the effects of the reading were so positive that i hardly paid attention to the fact that some people appeared to be filming something at the cafe. i don't think i ended up in any footage, but i somehow behaved naturally anyway, as if the whole thing didn't concern me, and if i somehow ended up in the footage, it was like i had a kind of feeling that if my presence wasn't natural there that i would be easily edited out.

the cappuccino i had there was strong, but was the first coffee i've had here that i genuinely thought seemed like nice coffee, not just the best i'd had so far. it was a kind that appealed to me personally.

i hopped on a tram to st. kilda afterward (i just spotted it and acted spontaneously), and probably almost got fined because i didn't know how the system worked and because i didn't have any of my id on me. i asked a woman how to pay, and she directed me to the back of the tram, where i saw a machine that accepted cards for validation only. halfway down, there was a machine that accepted coins, but i didn't see it in my nervousness. so the guy who goes around checking tickets eventually came up to me and asked me a lot of questions about where i was from. and how long i'd been in town.

afterward, a lady was kind to me and asked me about what had happened. she told me she was going to st. kilda, and told me i could get out where she was getting out, and she talked to me a little about st. kilda and how her son lived there now. about how when she was younger the red light district was there and it was a bit of a dodgy place, but that now it was arty and/or trendy, and that it was nice. a guy had been listening to our conversation, and piped in with certain information about the queen's historic visit (queen mary?) [d'oh: was it a reference to the ship queen mary, or actual queen] and said some things about luna park that i couldn't quite make out. but overall, i found the interaction with these two went well, and left me with a good feeling. [the guy also pointed out where to buy drugs (!) - any kind of drug under the sun. which is very helpful tourist advice, imo.]

the ticket i purchased with the coins i had was only good for 2 hours, so i only walked around for a while. i went briefly down to the beach, and had a look at the cake shops. i had wanted to find the prince/mink, and while i was actually on acland st, i didn't find the number i was looking for, and there was some weird issue about figuring out which street was actually what, and i was afraid of not having enough time if i did any more walking, so i went back to the cake shops and picked a couple of items to bring back with me, and rode the tram back. however, this little experiment at least gives me the info i need for future reference as to how to direct gk and myself to the general vicinity we need to be in to go to the vodka bar.

i also bought a little evening purse/clutch while i was walking around. i have been looking for several days for something like this, or rather i have been looking for several years. it's not that i've even had an occasion yet to use one. a backpack generally serves the purpose. but i now have a pretty one. the one i chose was silver, and maybe the pattern or style doesn't go as well as if i'd chosen the black velvet version of the same clutch, but i preferred it, and don't think i want to exchange it for the other. i also bought a pair of high strappy velvet-suedeish black pumps to go with the black velvet halter dress i recently bought. i don't know if i'm overdoing it, or purchasing things i will never use, but in a way i am seeking to build a collection of things that will give me more options, some of which are styles that will last over time?

my next task was to go into the art gallery. i had noticed big LOVE WAR and PICASSO signs in my walks, and felt some curiosity. the main gallery was closed unfortunately yesterday, but i think if i had seen the picasso exhibit and had access to the other i would have needed a lot more time, and it might have been too much for me to take in at once. i was surprised to learn, however, that entrance to the main gallery is usually free. so, i suppose it is something to keep in mind for future reference.

i guess it was something different to try, another new thing in life to explore. i made an effort to look at and absorb what i could, and to read the little blurblike explanations. i suppose there were things i could appreciate without them really seriously moving me, but there were definite things i was more drawn to, and a few impressions here and there that maybe i should have tried to articulate in the moment before they slipped away.

ok, for now i feel i am running of energy, and may try to first get a few other things down.

the ticket and help people in the gallery were sensitive and nice, i thought. i didn't find them intimidating - it was just the opposite.

but, at one point a guy came up to me and asked me to remove my backpack, that it's about making sure no artworks get bumped or damaged, etc. i got the impression that it was the sort of thing people *know* about art galleries, and that i was proclaiming loud and clear that i had never been in an art gallery before. even at my advanced age. and/or that i had been born in a barn. or a mcdonald's.

when i left the gallery, i'm not sure of the exact way this all happened, but i think there was a man who made eye contact or some kind of attempt to make some kind of contact with me. i was very in on myself in the moment, and didn't know how to react, and just kept walking, after smiling, to acknowledge his presence, i think. i think i had it in my mind that i'd accomplished my missions for the day, and there was only one left. so i was preoccupied with going to a certain place to pick up a burger and fries, and then back to the apartment to binge and then stay in for a few days to dry out.

it's unappealing to write it out, yet that was pretty much the situation, and where i was at.

anyway, i think the man followed me? and then approached me and asked me if i would like to go out for a drink. thinking about it later, it seemed a perfectly reasonable way of making contact, and perhaps if he also had observed the picasso exhibit there is a readymade topic for discussion, and the sort of thing that happens naturally with travel? or can?

he was an attractive person, and his approach was direct and appealing. but i didn't have enough time to process the experience in the moment, and my fear of life and contact with people, my low self-esteem, etc, made it impossible for me to take a risk in the moment. i think i handled it without too much awkwardness, but i thought a lot about it afterward, and wished there had been some way to offer more in the way of explanation. but, thinking about that, i probably would have just made it awkward, and perhaps it was better that i handled it as i did.

he had a german accent, i think, and for some reason there is a lingering sense or impression, there was something about him that reminded me a little of someone i knew. i suppose i have some curiosity, but it came too late, and i am unlikely to see this person again.

perhaps i have learned something. maybe in trying new experiences as i did, i make it more possible that experiences like that could occur, that people might approach me. heh, or i missed out on the only time that sort of thing was ever likely to happen, and if i try again hoping for the same kind of thing, it will never happen again. :>

i will admit that the experience left me with a good feeling. it also added to my sense that melbourne is a good place for me, and that perhaps

perhaps i might

i've had a few thoughts that maybe

i might just find some way to stay here.

a lot of things adding up, little experiences, a sense that the place is growing on me, that i like the set up, that the original intimidation is fading fast.

so i came back to the apartment with my mini-burger and lord of fries fries that i asked for too much salt on, and made myself very ill with my binge. one of those binges that is uncomfortable for too long, when i don't work it all out well, when i feel too ill to process enough quickly enough, and it drags out.

but, i now have no more binge items. i only have fruit and will do a semi-fast, i guess, unless i feel like going out somewhere in spite of how bloated i am. i am just trying to be accepting of myself, and of the fact that i needed the behaviour, the release, for now. i have maybe enough positive feeling related to my experiences to help me with coping for now, whatever i feel the need to do.

i still have a bottle of vodka, and i may 'binge' on that, or i may save it for one night when gk is here, or bring it back with us. i'm not sure.

there are probably more experiences i want to try to jot down when i feel i have the energy.

i will probably try to do some laundry and mental preparation for the wedding soon. in a few days, the excitement of flying back and forth for an occasion, the feeling of life speeding up, or feeling freer or adaptable or something.

something shayna said, about me not being able to handle routine, about how things need to change a lot, but that there is a problem in that i feel i have no underlying foundation, no home, no place to ground myself, which i also need.

a choice, a risk. to jump, and trust that things will work out ok, that when i look at it later i won't regret the decision.

a lot of major arcana kept coming up, an uncanny amount proportionally speaking. the cards i made an effort to pick out. the ones hiding under other cards... (they were face down).

the feeling i have to take a risk or make an important choice in order that i can have the chance to have something i want, something i'm lacking.

i don't know. it was kind of fun. it felt like maybe going to a chiropractor does to some people? like getting aligned differently or focused in a way most beneficial for me personally?

it felt freeing, it felt open and flowing. not blocked. like talking to a psychologist might for some people. i do feel that shayna had a gift for her work.

another unusual, different experience. something unexpected and fun in life.

she wished to be helpful, and i feel that she was.

a risk, a choice, a wish to confront the unknown.

my duality, my extremes.

in the moment it didn't feel distressing. it felt almost like a kind of validation or a situation in which someone else could see some of what i'm up against.

i feel a bit sleepy and might need a nap. i'm also very thirsty.

a couple of other things. when shayna first met me, she asked if we'd met before, if she'd read for me before, or if she'd seen me at some dance place of some kind, i don't know the name of it, only that it was some dance-related venue. which i found kind of interesting.

yesterday when i was bingeing, i noticed that i felt more self- conscious here about the idea of people seeing in. it inhibited me. it's perhaps a sign that i'm afraid for the behaviour to continue, that i will become more and more distressed if i can't change it soon.

in one week, i will be back in brisbane, and can be allowed to break down if i need to. will i come back here? will i be drawn back?

i like melbourne.

it is three days until the wedding celebration. that is probably enough to help me feel emptier, less weighed down and sick of my excesses. enough to help me through that particular experience. i am a bit afraid of how excessive i've been lately, and afraid of being excessive right from the wedding on again. but i suppose it's a relatively short time, and even if i slip over to the other side and feel i've lost it, there is still positive energy from some of my recent experiences, and it is only one more week to hold on and maybe it won't be so bad, especially if i can dry out a little in the next few days.

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20/07/06

13:13 i feel very lonely and sad. i probably won't go out until i have to catch my plane early saturday morning. i think i need this time alone here to try to make up for some of the excesses and refocus, but i still feel lonely and sad. it's thursday, and there will still be another friday night with nowhere to go. i know that there is somewhere to go saturday, but there is also stress involved with that.

i think i will probably enjoy food more when gk arrives. i have gone a few places on my own to try things i haven't tried before, and i think in a way i should be 'proud' of trying to push my comfort zone at least somewhat, but there is a pronounced feeling of anxiety involved, and i'm not sure i enjoy the food completely. it's like in the processing afterward there is more than there is in the moment.

all in all, for me the trip is a success. i wonder where it will lead from here.

in some ways, even today i think i have something of a longing to go out and walk around. here, no one knows i'm here. no one knows my phone number or is likely to call. nothing is likely to happen. i've isolated and protected myself well.

if i go out, i guess i risk accumulating items for another binge, i suppose to take the place of being able to interact, but partly just out of habit. and i think i will handle the next 6 days, including the wedding celebration, better if i have a couple of restricting days.

i can read, although i wasn't particularly drawn to any of the titles here, but it's been a while since i've read anything random, that just appeared in the place i was, and it might be easier than reading anything on my computer.

in less than two days i will be back in brisbane. in 6 i will be on my way back to brisbane again and i can 'break down' if i need to.

i have found myself thinking about the man who asked me out for a drink. perhaps because now it's 'safe' and there is no chance i will bump into him again and behave extremely awkwardly. when i try to think about any direction things could have gone in if i had accepted the invitation i received, i just can't see any. i think my self-esteem is too low, i think the most likely thing is that i would have been extremely awkward.

i guess it was good to have been woken up a bit. maybe it's a kind of preparation for other future possibilities, if they ever come. but there's still a kind of sadness, related to not being able to communicate well on the spot, or about being so afraid of life that i continue to block everything out without giving anything a chance, to see where anything might go.

if you think about it, i was offered an invitation, and i was so preoccupied at the time with indulging in my own particular issues that seem to prevent interaction of any kind... well, it's sad and ironic.

it's not as cold as in brisbane in the house, but i still find it cold here in the flat. i think if it were a little warmer i might feel up to doing a bit more inside, but the temperatures have been very good for walking around outside with my current coat and boots, which gives me a feeling of security, i suppose, to be covered.

i wonder, though, if the boots give the impression i'm kinky, easy and looking to draw attention to myself quickly, to facillitate an easy encounter.

sometimes, i do think i take all the fun out of everything by trying to look at it like that.

i probably won't drink alcohol here before gk comes. i might, but i feel like i am in a drying out period. however, there is something: the other night when i was drinking, i had a bit of a wish to just start dancing. there wasn't any music here that i found would help that along, and so i sort of had the idea to maybe go out and buy some. just by chance, to just wander in somewhere and look around and try to find some. and i had it in my mind i didn't even care if people could see through the see-through blinds, or how bad i was, the feeling was just there and so it struck me i guess that away from home i'd have this feeling.

anyway. i think these two trips probably do act as a kind of preparation in case i ever manage to travel further. i'm so far behind, and so closed in on myself and anxious, and while in some ways i've only ventured very minor things, i do think the experiences i've had are probably opening me up at least a little, or giving me more of a base to work from.

what if i approached travel in my own way, choosing a hotel or accommodation that appeals to me, and then just going somewhere for a while, and walking around, just going where my feet take me?

i have had headaches, which might relate to the binges and/or coffee drinking. i had my last caffeine more than 24 hours ago. probably more like 29? i didn't have a full coffee. i made one here, and then only drank a few sips with the chocolate i had left, and the rest of the coke. later yesterday i had an apple and pear. today i've had an apple and pear, and the only food left is the melon. maybe i'll eat some of it later today, and some of it tomorrow.

i am hungry now, but i am probably going to try to stay in, and deal with the hunger, and focus on making it to the wedding party.

also, it occurs to me that i'm in a fairly vulnerable position. i overreact to everything, and in my loneliness,

i guess i just don't want to find myself trapped by feelings that are too extreme for the occasion, or just blindly overlooking serious problems because i'm all caught up in something. in a way, i suppose i'm easy prey for all kinds of potentially unpleasant situations.

yikes. isn't life like that, though, when you put yourself out there, isn't part of what you're risking that you just don't know what you will get, and isn't that part of the 'point'?

well, it is true that i react in ways that are probably maladaptive. but i guess that's just part of my personal risk.

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21/07/06

19:38 i've had no food for over 32 hours, i think. 32 hours or a little more ago i had an apple and a pear. i've forgotten how it all went. on tuesday i binged, and carried it through until the early hours of the next day, then at about 8:00 something i had my last chocolates, fudge and a bit of coffee and coca-cola and had a nap, leaving the chocolate and coke down. later on wednesday i had an apple and pear.

[i didn't feel like eating any of the melon, and i haven't had any caffeine.]

it occurs to me that part of what i find is stimulating is just in the walking around and taking in all the variety. even when it comes to food, it's not like i need to try everything, because some purpose is served just in being able to see options, and to try a few things. i would ideally like to try more, but i think in some ways i've done well.

i might not eat anything until i am on the plane tomorrow.

it's friday and i have some urges to go out and have coffee and something to eat, but i think i may wait until tomorrow, and may not even have coffee until sunday. i'm making allowances for plane food and then a big dinner at the wedding party. i may not eat so much when i'm there, but the more moderate days i have the better, i guess. (in addition to the semi-fasting or short fast might help to compensate at least somewhat for my recent excesses. i realize there are more to come, probably until this trip is over, and i guess i have some fear, and want to try to hold on as well as i can, to give myself the best possible chance of enjoying any excesses, and at the same time keeping myself from being so out of control i can't enjoy anything. it sucks to live this way, but i don't really know what else i can do.)

in the morning i will have to wash my face and apply makeup and curl my hair, and pack. then call a cab. i'm a bit nervous. part of it is in picking what to take back to make sure i can get it all packed on the trip back. (because i've done some shopping, it won't be as easy to get everything into the bags i originally brought, which were packed pretty full. plus, i need to make sure the chocolates don't get squished.)

so, to kill a few hours tonight before bed. when i play the music that's here, i feel a bit self-conscious about playing it too loud, even on weekends. the sound-proofing i think applies only to the outside traffic noises, and i am a bit concerned about being inconsiderate to other tenants.

but it is friday night. when i hear loud music, or other signs of life, i don't feel annoyed. i see it as just that, a sign of life and vitality, and it's something i wish i could be part of, not try to shut it up or stifle it.

i guess i should check my departure time and flight number.

i will need to leave here around 7:00. less than 12 hours from now.

i could drink alcohol tonight. i probably won't feel sleepy for some time. but it's like i want to avoid calories, and any possibility of sickness. but why? really?

i don't know.

wondering about making a trip down to the recycle area. i can wait, it doesn't have to be done now. one little niggling thing, i suppose. to tidy this place, even if i'm coming back. to leave it tidy if i'm leaving only for a day. but i could just take it all down on the day i leave, and that might make the most sense.

i don't really know what to do tonight. i doubt there's going to be much on tv. and i'm nervous, and probably just trying to kill time, count the hours until the flight, until the party is over, until the rest of the trip is over.

i am looking forward to it all being over, but in a way, i wish i had more time. i like this location, and i feel comfortable here, and i think i'd like more time on my own. it all ends up turning into something to endure, but i am wondering what it would be like to just stay somewhere like this for an extended period. what would happen next. what i'd do, where i'd go. just what would happen.

my last night on my own here. something of a wish to take advantage of it, venture out

somewhere.

but there may still be more opportunities for me yet.

but even if not, to get through the next few things i said i'd do, it will be better to make what compensations i can, and give things the best possible chance to go well.

it will feel cold here in the morning and might be difficult to pack and dress. maybe i should try to address as much of the packing as i can tonight.

i am hungry and want to eat, but it's not so much longer now. just over half a day until i get some sort of meal on the plane. there is the temptation of buying coffee and something to go with it while i wait in the airport. i am not sure yet if i will, but i will probably try to wait. another day without coffee and hopefully that will make it even better when i have some with gk on sunday.

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24/07/06

20:00 2 more days. a little less. made it through the wedding ok, liked my outfit, hair issues solved by black angora bucket hat ($10 from k-mart, bought it last year, or another year earlier) with black flower pinned on, flower more expensive than hat. i have now been wearing the hat more regularly, for example today with black silk shirt and black tie with black pinstripe dress.

the wedding was in a rural area, in a seventh day adventist church. gk's baklava (it was a potluck dinner) was all gone except for about 3 little triangles by the time we left.

the bride was beautiful and serene. she had a kind of strength i have seen once before, at my ex's sister's wedding. she handled everything very gracefully. gk's friend seemed sincere, to take his marriage very respectfully, to put in a lot of sincere thought and effort into his words, what he wished to share with his friends and family.

did we give people the wrong idea about how strong our marriage is? i think we do have a strong bond, but in that situation, i don't think it was hypocritical to lean on each other for support. we were black sheep.

still, i think we treat people respectfully and sincerely, are also highly anxious, and those are things we have in common.

yesterday at degraves cafe they were out of portuguese tarts and so gk and i shared sticky date pudding with butterscotch sauce and a small scoop of ice cream, and i think i enjoyed that even more.

it was pouring down rain when we arrived, and gk's umbrella was broken. we didn't have much time to make it to the victoria markets, but we still managed to pick up some flaky croissants, an interesting dessert (it had a lot of different flavours on it, including a kind of halva-ish bit and a cheesecakey bit), a three colour spread of pesto, marscapone and some kind of sundried tomato- ish thing on top, i think (this stuff was gorgeous) and a bit of swiss cheese. we also shared a very colourful little pizza with a sweet chili sauce on it, spinach, well, lots of colours.

today we shared 5 belgian chocolates at the koko black lounge (upstairs) with cappuccinos, and then we bought a box of chocolates to bring home.

tonight we are going to try to go to mink. we have no idea if it's even open, because the website doesn't seem to elaborate about details like hours of operation. i've had a shower and put on makeup, but still need to do my hair and dress. i'm going to try to dress up a bit, but i suppose i feel nervous. i am somewhat intimidated about going there, but once it's over with, i guess it's one more fear i've faced. i was nervous about the wedding party as well, and i think that went reasonably well. [in the mink photos on my site, my hair looks kind of flat, with a bit of the perm kink showing through in one photo. i think it was probably damp that night, and the wave and body i tried to add sort of fell out after a while.]

at the wedding reception, i was asked what i did, and i replied that i put a lot of effort into a personal website, that i took pictures, processed them and did a lot of writing. i was asked if i sold the images, and i said no. so, i managed to handle things without telling outrageous falsehoods. 'you're an artist?' was a difficult question, and i mumbled about how i don't really consider myself an artist.

in some ways i have been feeling more attractive than usual, but i don't ever kid myself that in photos i would look attractive if captured at the moments i am fooling myself that i look semi- attractive. :> gk is complimenting me a lot. i think part of it is the variation, the stimulation of new surroundings, and my 'independence', and the fact that i am putting in more effort than usual.

i don't know. i think things are going reasonably well, and i am very glad i tried all of this out, and yet i will be glad to go back home and relax again. it is stressful and draining, and i guess there's still something important missing, something that might give me a bit more energy, make me feel the endurance aspect of all of it less.

there's an underlying sadness and even despondency, but the stress/anxiety and current pace of things probably deflect the focus, prevent me from focusing in those ways at present.

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26/07/06

17:43 i feel stressed and worn out, and don't really feel like writing, but i feel a sort of obligation to finish up the story, or something.

at present, i think i've had a bit too much caffeine, and also that my stomach is a bit too full. this is the fault of having an iced coffee. if i'd left it at what i'd had earlier, i think i'd be ok, and also that i might even be less crabby. i had the iced coffee to help give me the energy to deal with unpacking. i'm not quite done. also, i will still have to do laundry, and i have to send an email with my bank details so that i can be reimbursed for the key deposit. i can't go online at present because i'm too stupid to figure out how to reconnect my internet connection. that is irritating me more than anything, and i feel stupid and irritated enough that i want to die. well, i want to die anyway, even though the trip was basically ok. [gk had turned off the internet connection downstairs when he went away - this didn't occur to me.]

mink was cool. a couple of photos of gk turned out very well. it's like a russian-themed place is a natural habitat for him.

the velvet underground cocktail (a mink original) i had was delicious. i sort of wish i could have had more, but it actually was kind of fun to share flavour-infused vodka shots with gk. i was crabby on the way over because i didn't feel confident in what i was wearing and because i was cold and nervous and i sort of just wanted to get the whole experience over with. but once at mink, i felt a lot better, even before i had alcohol.

we went back to st. kilda the next day to have coffee and dessert in a cake shop. i had a fruit boat, gk had a chocolate tunnel, we had cappuccinos and brought back croissants and danishes with us. later, we walked up to lygon st and had pesto gnocci and a margarita pizza with chinotto and an iced chocolate at milan. we had small sizes, and everything was perfect, the gnocci being especially tasty. later, we had more coffee, the croissants and some of the pastries, then went out to look for possums. we managed to feed one in particular. he seemed very pleased to get a bit of croissant and danish. he liked mandarin oranges, but only ate one and a half small wedges of honeydew melon before dropping the rest. this is fairly normal, according to our experiences with possums.

we bought a lot of chocolate to bring back with us. some from koko black, as i wrote earlier, and some from haigh's. also, we got 4 chocolates at myer, some kind of nina something or other chocolates, kind of cute ones: a penguin that had a white chocolate-mango ganache, a dark chilli, an irish cream tri-chocolate conical one, and a rounded banana-caramel bomb. we ate those in the qantas lounge this morning after raisin toast and the little bit of danish that was left.

the trip seemed so long today. i felt claustrophobic, couldn't wait to get back here. but i'm kind of crabby now, and feel suicidal. i feel like i just want to get it all over with. it's like i don't really see anything for me in life.

i notice that i feel embarrassed about little bits of contact with people, whether it's through my awkwardness, or leaving inconsistent tips (in australia it's not customary to leave tips, or if you do, it's often just a little change, and this always feels 'not right' to me, and i'm more likely to want to leave canadian tips, and sometimes do and sometimes don't.) and not being sure how to handle things, feeling that something about me bothers people. etc. i am away from people again now, and maybe i'll just make myself sick for days on end. i don't know. but i don't really know what to aim at or want. it feels like all avenues are closed to me.

i do feel that it was good to go on the trip, that it was a break from the monotony of my life, but it was still stressful, and i still want to be allowed to die, i don't want this to just keep going on and on.

oh, i almost forgot. on the day i came back here for the wedding party, i weighed myself, or maybe it was the next morning, and i weighed 47.4 kg. did i write that already? i forget.

so, i guess i'll look at all the odds and ends, do my laundry, watch the tv i taped, etc, and then what and then what

we had drinks last night after feeding possums. i feel like it hit me hard, and it didn't take much, but it may have been because i was thirsty and drank quickly.

i'll probably need to gorge and vomit soon. i'm not sure if it will be tonight or tomorrow or what, but because i'm so full, sick feeling at present, it may very well be tonight.

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27/07/06

17:20 i have been gorging and vomiting. 2 sessions so far. gk is out buying more stuff, including waffles and maple syrup, ingredients so that i can make a lemon cake with cream cheese icing (i have a weird craving for that) and chocolate ganache ice creams.

i have a lot of photos to sort out, and a lot of things i need to try to figure out how to put into words. maybe different areas to address on my website, including possum updates, a new photo for the gk section, and maybe a travel or melbourne/sydney update thing, or a mia update, or all of these things and maybe there will be other offshoots. i don't know yet, but i can see it all taking some time. in addition, i need to figure out how to sort out a lot of what i'm feeling. i notice that i am experiencing quite a range of things, some 'positive', some 'negative', and i'm not sure which is 'truest', if i've been phony when communicating with certain people, or if it's all part of the whole and i'm confused and hyperstimulated at present.

bingeing was somewhat fun this morning, but i did make myself very very sick. most of the time, i suppose i just wish it could all be over, that i could die. not because of the b/p, but because i don't really feel alive. i have things to do for now, but there is a sense of despondency related to them. do i really want to force myself to well maybe not force, but do i really want to go with it, write more, create more images, update, etc? i can't really see why i should bother. haven't i gone far enough. it all just feels like a retread in one way or another when there's no real spark.

is my task to try to write up some of the difficult and complicated things i haven't tried to write yet. a lot of it actually is more positive than usual, i think. i feel almost like i need to make the effort to express some positive things related to the melbourne experience, to balance things out. but at present, i'm in breakdown mode, so it becomes more difficult, and the longer this drags on, perhaps the more difficult it will become.

was i somehow just more ready for melbourne? it seems like it was the best place for me that i've been so far in my life. i don't think i've managed in words to get that across, i think my stress and complications obscure that. was i just more open, aware? paying attention to more? the weird assortment of styles of architecture for some reason seemed to stand out to me, feel natural to me. like it was a chaotic mix that didn't feel chaotic to me, but to work for me.

i won't try to force writing now. i need a period to relax, unwind, let go.

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28/07/06

17:00 when sitting in the qantas lounge with gk at melbourne airport, i thought i saw kim and thurston from sonic youth, carrying orange jetstar bags in the main departure area/check in, near security. er, they just always look like they don't have to try to look cool. today, when watching things i taped on the vcr while i was away, i noted on a commercial that sonic youth were on rove live, and so i guess it's not so impossible that i did see them. i think every time i've thought of 'jetstar' airlines since it was created, it's sort of called to mind a cd of theirs i had that was called experimental jet set, trash & no star.

gk and i also saw some of the members of something for kate at the baggage claim when he came to pick me up at the brisbane airport for the wedding party (they were standing directly across from us). at first there was just the slight bit of recognition on my part, and it was like i didn't want to stare, but then it was like a kind of nervousness set in. not sure if they want to be recognized, or if it's nice to be recognized. i know that when i'm picking up baggage i'm at the point where i just want to get the hell out of the airport. so i didn't stare. i felt kinda awkward, though. song for a sleepwalker stuck in my mind for a few days afterward, although i had a wish to hear the astronaut, haven't heard it for so long.

i think i've sort of been enjoying my binges and taped tv.

tonight, nachos and alcohol! i think i'll probably enjoy.

possum stuff updated somewhat, which i feel somewhat relieved about, but i think i might end up working on a lot of other stuff, including possibly shaping this monstrous entry into something for my mia page. and putting up travel stuff.

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30/07/06

a feeling of wanting to get some things over with, organized, whatever, so that i can get to something real (?) i don't know. i liked the new gk page, i think gk looks great in the main photo, but i do think the main photo emphasizes some of what i don't like about my face. he has character, he looks like some kind of political rebel kind of guy.

how much to do. i can also see that at some point i'd like to attempt to photograph my room.

what do i want to write?

i do feel despondent, but at the same time, i can easily see things to work on at least for a few days. why not just go with it? at the moment i'm hungry, which is making me feel like bingeing, i think. but in addition, i think that wrestling with this kind of organizational process tends to contribute to an urge to binge. it's like there is a kind of stress involved with sorting through the chaos, and at a certain point i feel that i'm just not good enough at it.

a feeling i want to articulate. if people see how i looked with gk in melbourne at mink, i will be judged as ugly, and it's sort of like everything i do and am is dismissed? all my effort, whatever i feel, it's reduced to that. but only i think because i share that judgment. it can only affect me because when i see myself, when i'm forced or confronted with how underwhelming and even unappealing i am, it is like it sucks all the potential and possibility out of everything. why bother to write, why bother to process photos, anything, why bother to try to do my hair or go anywhere. and i know i probably will, for something to do.

[when we left mink, i sat on a bench at the tramstop while gk went to photograph the prince hotel, and mink sign, and a guy came up to me and i think started to try to erm pick me up. i had sat down, pulled my dress up over the knees and crossed my legs, and maybe i looked receptive. :>]

will i be out of control for a long time? do i at least have some fleeting moments to remember, from melbourne? [YESYESYES!!! at least with regards to the latter.]

at the moment, i have agreed to a moderate path, contingent on whether i can actually do it. i mean, i have agreed to let gk prepare my meals, to at least go for a walk around the neighbourhood at night for exercise, and to keep my indulgences to one iced coffee per day, and one lowfat blueberry bar as dessert after the walk.

so far, i had weet-bix for breakfast, an iced coffee a couple of hours later, then a sandwich with reduced fat cheese, lettuce, sprouts, homemade salsa, a few slices of avocado on toasted multigrain bread, and a mandarin orange as a snack a couple of hours later. it's 17:39, and i feel very hungry. maybe i should ask gk if he could prepare an early dinner.

usually, after bingeing a lot, i have more pronounced hunger pangs in the beginning when i start cutting out the binges. it usually feels more comfortable to taper down slowly, but it doesn't take so long to be able to reduce intake if i keep at it. if.

feeling depressed in spite of the iced coffee. however, i guess i had that 5.5 hours ago.

how am i doing with the website stuff? it seems it takes so long to work out even small issues.

the idea is to work up to exercising again, and to giving up coffee again. i don't know how realistic anything is. it's so painful when i lose the effort i put in, and yet, it's like i feel so weak after putting in the effort, i know i'm losing it, and i guess it's accurate to say i get more of a release, more pleasure and less stress out of allowing myself to lose control at last than i get in anything else. unfortunately. i have an intellectual appreciation of what i 'accomplished', and i do realize that for me, it is accomplishment of sorts, and i will have little moments that will stick with me, or that i will remember when something or other triggers associations. but i am tired now, and it would take something major to motivate me to put in another major effort any time soon.

i feel so cut off. and i don't see any reason to share any of my impressions or experiences, but it just seems that this is all i have to do for now, and perhaps in a way i'm lucky that i have something to do to kill time. whining about loneliness just isn't going to have any results. so, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, i guess, until another change comes, until i finally die.

the feelings of hunger are insistent, and if i don't at least have a snack, i'm probably going to binge. i may very well binge sometime soon anyway, but i guess what i'd prefer would be that i finish up as many updates for my site as i can, and then allow myself a bit of a 'reward'.

but it's like i want to rush it all, or can't put in a serious effort, there's so much to write and organize that it feels like too much. oh well. i remind myself not to take it too seriously. it does occur to me that none of it matters, that it's just something to do for now, and that i don't have to concern myself about doing anything well. but i want to be free of it. i suppose in one way or another it will be more of the usual xesce stuff.

i find myself sinking into hopelessness, but maybe if i allow that for a little while i can rebuild some strength. maybe i can try to sort out some things with minor websites creatively, who knows where even these simple things may go, but it may help me somewhat to try to express at least some of it creatively for now. i may not be able to help breaking down for a bit longer. but maybe i will be able to try again. i like the new gk page a lot better now than my first go at it.

but at the same time, it's almost like i'm so sick of photos of myself and how they never really lead to i guess people commenting about the parts of my personality they represent? that they don't help me to connect. sometimes, when i create them, or often, there's this kind of excitement i experience, like i'm on to something, and i need to share. and i guess it all just stays inarticulate. that i'm confusing my vanity and indulgence issues with genuine communication? although i suppose if that's all there is to me, it's in a sense genuine communication on my part? heh.

do i have a choice at this point. is something set in motion. do i have 'real' options? will i leave? will i travel further? i'll try to get through this dense fog of chaos, try to work or eat and vomit my way through it and see if i can go a little further again. i do think melbourne was a step further than sydney. and i do have more pleasure in thinking about it. and i almost didn't make it, and i did taint it with all kinds of crap beforehand, and still it surprised me that things went as well as they did. for me.

i've sat at the computer all day. i had a stirfry for dinner, i walked for 40 minutes, i had a blueberry bar. i'm not sure how much further i can go today. i think i need a break. maybe i can go to bed early, but i might have to prepare gk for the likelihood that tomorrow i will not hold it together.

i feel hungry at the moment. i will probably have to make a decision about what i can eat that will 'fit' as a 'healthy' and reasonable option, or decide to go to bed. it is almost 22:00. i haven't gone to bed that early in a while. maybe it will be possible tonight.

i do feel myself slipping, wanting to let go.

on friday night, things didn't go well. the nachos were very tasty, gk made us velvet underground drinks. but i think that with all the vomiting i've been doing i drank too fast. partly due to thirst. but the alcohol hit me hard. at a certain point i felt i needed food to balance my drunkenness. and was absolutely horrified when i spilled a bowl of pasta with very red tomato sauce all over the white flokati rug. i immediately jumped up and started trying to rinse it out, and it does actually look like it worked, and in a way, that kind of wool is supposed to look kind of messy. long, disordered. [maybe i did a very good job at cleaning it. you can't tell at all that anything was spilled on it. or.. maybe it's a more practical kind of rug than it appears to be.]

but i unravelled at that point. and i started discussing with gk a lot of what i meant to wait until later to discuss, things i wanted a chance to write out for myself first. and it went very badly, and i ended up with excruciating stomach pain, and went to bed and when i woke up the depression i felt was unbelievable. i had forgotten about the stomach pain until gk reminded me.

but i guess i don't know. i feel scared. i have no self-respect. i know i'm weak. i'm not sure i can give up my source of 'drugs'. i feel i should let him have a chance to have a more complete relationship, that it's selfish of me to stay here, trapping him with me. but it is also true that we are close in certain ways, that we have been through a lot together, and that neither of us has anyone else to turn to. it's difficult, and painful to figure out. do i try to be realistic about my limitations and about my patterns. could i at this point manage to be on my own for more than a very short time if i know that's it, that i will have no one to turn to at all.

circles.

i'm very hungry. but i've killed a bit of time, and if i play games for a few more minutes, that will kill a bit more. ick.

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31/07/06

20:06 i need to be saved from myself. i binged not long ago. it feels like a hole a huge acid hole is eating sorry can't make it make sense, acid is eating a hole a huge hole in my stomach. but the depression. sitting for so long like a zombie in front of the toilet filled to bursting, but unable to start, unable to make the motions that would get me closer to relief. the thoughts, pointless, going around and around, while i just sat there.

can i form this into something for my mia site? it seems a lot of the material is relevant, if i can edit it appropriately.

i just feel so alone. i feel like i should try harder to figure out how to say that better, in a way that doesn't seem so flat and overused. i just feel so utterly destroyed.

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01/08/06

desperation binges, pretty horrible. but i think it may be related to struggling with this huge entry and trying to shape it into something. i can see there's a lot of work, i have a lot of ideas, and it's all overwhelming. and it's like i feel myself doing a shoddy job, just trying to get it over with as soon as possible, to be free of it. also, after a major effort, there's usually a major, ugly, uncomfortable collapse. very difficult to escape quickly. what the fuck do i do with this entry. all i can do is let it all push and pull me, show me what wants to be expressed through me. i don't know yet where it will all go. i sort of recognize the process. although i guess it's always different in some ways.

bed. can i sleep. it just seems impossible that i can do anything further tonight. it's so draining sorting through all of this. i hope i like the results.

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02/08/06

a couple of things quickly: the hairdresser said i had seborrhoeic dermatitis of the scalp. i thought it was related to my dry skin and to the drought here in queensland - again this year during the drought period i experienced small patches of eczema, and thought that it might be having an effect on my scalp as well. also, i use very hot water for showering, partly because i find it very cold here in winter.

i should look it up, in case the excess grease production is being caused by using too much conditioner, or by constantly wearing head coverings. i've always had a lot of grease. in high school, it was not possible to 'train' the grease production by leaving my hair as long as possible. i mean, as a child, my hair was not washed frequently, and it was only when it looked like it was absolutely necessary that i started to wash it more. by the end of the school day as an adolescent, i had a lot of grease. it was noticeable. however, i only washed my hair once a day, in the morning before school. sometimes for a dance or something on a friday night i might wash it a second time. when i had body perms, i found it possible to cut down to washing it every other day.

i am afraid i am going to snap and say something nasty and uncalled for to gk. totally without any real reason, it's just a kind of underlying tension i can feel. he will not deserve it if it happens. he has bent over backwards trying to accommodate me, and yet i can't make this feeling go away. it seems i should do something about it, but realistically knowing my personality, i am not sure i can. i think it relates to my dependence in various areas, my weakness, my inability to find ways to fulfill myself. i don't want to take it out on another person, and certainly not gk. i'll try to control it, but it feels like it's a horror that could just explode at any time because i feel desperate and just don't know what to do. everything i try is not enough, i'm not strong enough to take responsibility for myself, my life, my death.

from http://www.dermnetnz.org: ["Seborrhoeic dermatitis is believed to be an inflammatory reaction related to a proliferation of a normal skin inhabitant, a yeast called Malassezia (formerly known as Pityrosporum ovale). Patients with seborrhoeic dermatitis appear to have a reduced resistance to the yeast.

Seborrhoeic dermatitis is not contagious or related to diet, but it may be aggravated by illness, psychological stress, fatigue, change of season and reduced general health.

Medicated shampoos containing ketoconazole, selenium sulfide, zinc pyrithione, coal tar, and salicylic acid, used twice weekly for at least a month and if necessary, indefinitely. Steroid scalp applications reduce itching, and should be applied daily for a few days every so often. Tar cream can be applied to scaling areas and removed several hours later by shampooing."]

a few years ago, when i got a perm before going to new york, the hairdresser did not comment that i had this condition. the weather was warmer then. i have noticed recently that my scalp is itchy, and that it got worse when i was in melbourne. since i returned, i have been using a neutrogena coal tar shampoo.

i am wondering if my main skin condition may be related to this, or overlaps with it, in other areas of the body.

ah, one other thing for now, related to dehydration. i normally try to force myself to drink a lot of water, because i suspect i'm prone to dehydration. i don't actually enjoy drinking the water, but i think it's like a habit to force myself. while in melbourne, i stopped forcing myself, even when fasting. i noticed that i needed to urinate much less frequently, sometimes only a couple of times a day. my urine was 'too dark', but i actually did enjoy the respite from having to get up a couple of times during the night to pee. normally, if i'm very preoccupied i will also have to pee a lot less frequently, but it's difficult for me to be that preoccupied. often, i think i go to the toilet for something to do. it's like it applies to every area of my life: i notice little signs and symptoms of things way in advance, and act on them right away? so, if i was busy, i probably wouldn't start noticing the progression of the need to urinate over the hours. if i haven't had coffee for some time, and then start drinking it again, i shouldn't neglect to mention that it does cause a need to urinate frequently until my body adapts.

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04/08/06

wow. i have just read over this entire entry. it is monumentally boring. i cannot imagine any person having sufficient interest to read through it. i am not sure i can edit it further. there's just this incredible pressure, this need to be free of it as soon as possible. and then get drunk.

trying to be as objective as possible, i don't think it's that i have nothing to share. i think the issue is that i probably need to be challenged in some ways, i need outside stimulation to help me to access and expand more of my thoughts, to help me get out of the predictable patterns and topics, and to reach a little further. unfortunately, my patterns seem to prevent this possibility. and so things may go on as before, unless something unexpected occurs, or somehow in my efforts i eventually travel an inch further.

1:44

gk has gone to bed, with stomach difficulties. i am drunk and feeling good.

i don't want to complain again. once i get this monstrosity uploaded, i think i'm going to start concentrating in certain ways. this year has been an eventful and even 'productive' one for me. i think that as soon as i'm able, i need to venture out into the world again.