The basics are still the same. I'm lonely, isolated, depressed, and
wish to die, but at present am waiting for death rather than actively
seeking it out. I'm still trying to attain the focus and energy to
pull it off in a way that is 'right' for me. I'm still trying to
understand what unconscious blocks might be in place. I have only
left the house a few times in the last (almost) 4 years, and my
passport expired almost 3 years ago.
GK and I have not gone back to being a couple. We remain friends. He
is shy, so if anyone out there is interested, please contact him. As
for me, I am open to discussion, questions, conversation, with no
expectations. Sometimes it is helpful for me to have a topic to zero
in on for a while, and if I can offer any input or help, that's a
In 2012, my weight has been higher than in 2011. Also, in 2012, so
far I have logged less than 70 hours of exercise, while in 2011 I had
logged approximately 280 hours by the end of the year. Because of the
amount I exercised in 2011, it might take less effort to maintain a
certain level of fitness, but when it comes to my body type, in 2012
I feel like I'm in the frumpy category. I don't know. I've been
reading too many online comments lately, and people are absolutely
brutal. Will I ever turn things around again? It seems there is a
certain kind of pressure on women to get photos out there that
demonstrate how they have bounced back from weight gain, having a
baby, or a movie role which required them to adopt an unglamorous
look. They have to prove they've still 'got it'. As far as the whole,
I don't really know how others would perceive me, or how old I look
or seem in person. It's impossible to be objective. But, according to
what I've read about all the various ways to turn people off, and the
lack of response to my website, I suppose I should take the hint that
I'm turning everyone off.
Anyway. I can't even remember the last time I had a b/p episode. It's
been a long time. And it's not that I am constantly fighting the
urge and winning, it's that there's been a shift or a transfer. I
don't have the inclination to binge on food. Instead, I drink. Years
ago, this would not have been possible, because bulimic behaviour
was my primary addictive behaviour and although once in a while I
binge drank, most of the time I didn't really want to.
Also, on hangover days in the past I often had the urge to b/p, but
somehow that changed. Hangover days are actually pretty manageable
with water, coffee, and meals at regular intervals. It may sound odd,
but I often have the sense of having a very restful sleep.
I don't crave fast food. This has changed slowly, and I suppose is
kind of interesting. It's been more than a year since I've had the
things I used to break down and binge on (like cheeseburgers, fries,
pizzas, and various kinds of junk foods). I will often make pizzas
myself, but I don't binge on them. I very rarely eat meat. I
regularly eat tomatoes, sweet potatoes, leeks, bell peppers,
broccoli, carrots, pumpkin, baby spinach. I also eat pears, apples,
sometimes avocadoes and bananas. For a long time, I very rarely ate
vegetables, and even fruit intake was lower. I would not describe
myself as healthy, or having a balanced diet or approach to exercise,
but there have definitely been changes.
In the last two years I have been cooking more, and trying to match
wine with food. So while I do drink to excess, part of the experience
is to have a specially prepared meal with wine.
I shouldn't underplay the significance of this. It is a definite
change. Since the age of 13, I have had a very messed up relationship
with food, and now, after all this time food isn't the main problem.
What that perhaps says is that food was the only way I knew how to
express the underlying problem, which is still with me.
I think it would be a mistake to think that at any time I could have
just tried to accept my weight and the problem would have been
solved. The feeling of compulsion and lack of control was very
ingrained. Even now, I don't think it's a 'success' to accept a
higher weight if I also accept the idea it means I will never have
sex again, or if the underlying issue, the wish for death is still
with me every day.
It could be that all the writing I have done, thinking, experiencing
I have done over the years has changed something. But, it also seems
related to life experience, in the sense that both food and alcohol
were substitutes for life experiences I wanted but that were out of
my reach. The fact that both activities push those life experiences
further out of reach while compensating for them perhaps symbolizes
or represents the initial conflict in some way, the thing that I
can't resolve, or that there is no resolution for.
And, as I said, what has occurred is a transfer. Instead of eating
large amounts of food and vomiting, I drink large amounts of alcohol.
By any standard, I am a heavy drinker. Stopping drinking in itself is
not the answer. I would need something to replace it with, and
something to look forward to. I still give up drinking for periods
of time, but I always have the idea that this is only temporary. I
do it mainly when I am trying to lose weight.
Does the photo at the top of this page look 'natural'? It is not more
natural than other photos on this site which are more extreme. I am
wearing a wig in the photo. What I am wondering is if it is possible
to challenge people's ideas of what the 'truth' is. We seem to want
to believe in the truth of photos.
I will also comment on perimenopause, because this is still a topic
that I don't see people discuss all that much. Most people don't know
when menopause occurs, or what it means. I have read that the average
age of menopause is 51 (I'm 46) and that what that means is at that
time all periods have stopped for one year. Up until that time,
periods may be increasingly irregular, and there may be a variety of
symptoms. These symptoms vary from woman to woman, including when it
comes to severity and age of onset.
The idea of some of the symptoms, including mood swings and severe
depression, as well as weight gain and some sexually related
symptoms, like inability to produce lubrication, thinning of vaginal
tissue, I admit were/are pretty scary to me. I've already been
depressed for so long, how on earth would I deal with another level
of depression, as well as more and more signs that I'm sexually
I also expected worse PMS. Because so few people talk about
perimenopause, I have decided to try to write down some of what I
personally have experienced.
So far, I haven't noticed worse depression (that doesn't mean my
depression doesn't remain severe), or increased trouble with periods,
but there have been some changes with my period, and sometimes I
experience breast tenderness for what seems like a significant
portion of the month. For most of my life, including the years when I
was on the pill, I have had a 28-day cycle, however, in recent years,
sometimes it is now a 26-day cycle. Also, during times when I
exercise strenuously, I sometimes notice that at the end of my
period, spotting drags on past the 7 day mark - usually at the very
end of my period within the last couple of days there has always been
a bit of brownish blood, but now during times of heavy exercise, this
spotting can continue for days after it would normally have
On the pill my periods were lighter, and when I stopped taking it
(late 2008) they went back to 'normal'. At present they are still
pretty normal. But, in June 2012, I experienced a 'weird' period. It
started about 10 days or so early, and was unlike any period I have
ever had. When exercising a lot in the past, I would sometimes get a
period early. It would follow the pattern of a regular period, but
there would be less blood, and it would be shorter. The 'weird'
period was all over the place. There was not any heavy flow, but it
was almost a week and it didn't seem to be totally over. I did not
know how to predict what would happen. Just when I decided not wear a
tampon, it would seem to start up again with very red blood. I had
not been exercising at the time. I had heard that this kind of
unpredictability might relate to lack of ovulation. On a couple of
the days, I had some fairly painful cramps. Most of the days I had
not noticed much in the way of cramps, though.
After that 'weird' period, I noticed I had some itchiness - I think
this was related to wearing tampons 'just in case'.. I would
sometimes leave them in too long, or pull them out dry, and this
might have contributed to an unusualness or unhealthiness - it
occurred to me that when having weird periods, I would be best off
trying to find smaller tampons ('light') ones, or only wearing
pantyliners. The problem was that because of the unpredictability, I
was reluctant to go to bed without a tampon in, in case I stained my
sheets. I had some dryness after that period, but at present it seems
like things have returned to 'normal'.
My next period came at least a week later than expected, so maybe the
two periods balanced each other out. The following period was a
I know that in the next few years I should expect some changes. I
know that periods are likely to become more erratic. I may miss
periods, I may have periods of heavy bleeding. I may have wicked PMS,
cramps, exaggerated symptoms. I may have hot flashes. I guess I am
scared that I could feel worse than I already do. The idea of drier
skin, or skin losing elasticity, is difficult, although I have
already noticed as the years go by my skin is becoming drier and I
have to put in more effort to moisturize, and that exercise can't
compensate completely for the fact that my skin isn't as tight.
Reading about things like vaginal tissue thinning, atrophying,
vaginal dryness, and it sounds like the kind of thing that 'you
shouldn't mention or talk about' because it will turn people off. It
may be 'natural', but it reinforces ideas of women being sexually
repulsive or irrelevant once they reach a certain age.
One symptom that I have is increased urination (I don't have
noticeable thirst - when I drink liquids, it is usually because I
think I 'should', not because I'm thirsty). I don't have
incontinence, but over time I have noticed that I have to pee more
frequently. This changes if I have more to do, if I am less bored,
but I have read that when thinning of the membrane of the outer
urinary tract? occurs, there may be increased urination or a feeling
that it is necessary. Through the night, I have to get up and pee
every once in a while. This might partly relate to being
oversaturated with sleep, as I spend almost half the day in bed, day
in, day out.
Having icthyosis all my life, it's never been easy dealing with my
skin, and I admit this is something I find troubling to think about.
As I get older, will I be able to manage this problem comfortably?
The climate here helps, but is it a match for natural aging? Also, I
am not sure I would be able to give up alcohol and coffee, which
probably add to the effect.
My first period started just after my 12th birthday, which means
according to the average, I was a bit early. Some of the correlations
with early menstruation relate to divorce of parents, high weight (I
was not overweight), perhaps early sexualization, but one thing that
occurs to me is that since I skipped from grade 5 to 7, maybe I
'synched up' with the other girls in my class.
It's not so much that I will miss having a period. Before I started
menstruating, I remember that I used to have a collection of
pamphlets about menstruation that I kept in my dresser, and when I
would look at them, I would feel sexually excited. I wanted to have
a period, I wanted the other changes to occur, I wanted to have the
body of a woman, I wanted to have sex. That's what it meant to me.
Some of the truths about women and aging are things I have found
difficult to deal with. When it comes to sex. I am afraid that
losing my period is the last nail in the coffin, the sign that makes
it official that I am not sexually desirable. I might know that
already in a sense, but be reluctant to completely accept it until
I reach this stage. On a biological level, since at that point I
will no longer have any chance of bearing children, my survival
instinct might stop fighting me so hard. I guess on the plus side,
be reassuring for anyone who knows they do not want
to have children that a woman who has reached menopause can't have
children, and so it's at least possible sex can be less of a worry
I still don't know how to or maybe don't want to override a certain
programming. I think I've had a certain belief that if I keep trying
to question or challenge what is 'appropriate', if I keep trying to
communicate in a real way, if I face fears, if I don't play games, if
I don't try to deflect issues, if I don't stop trying to understand
other people's perspectives while not devaluing my own, eventually I
will express enough that others who could like me would be able to
find me and communicate with me. But what I have most wished for is
a kind of 'love' I can imagine but have never experienced. I have
been open with all partners about this wish through the years, and I
have never 'cheated'. I think I'm stuck now in a state where I am
grieving the loss of the possibility of the kind of love I wanted. I
know there are different kinds and stages of love. I think many
people will argue that for them 'real love' only occurred when they
had lived and experienced enough to know themselves, and that this
kind of love doesn't depend on youth or the physical. But I really
wanted the physical to be part of the experience. I wanted to be at
my peak, and to be able to really experience all that my body could
do, and I wanted to be as beautiful as it was possible for me to be.
I thought that if I communicated authentically, it would draw others
into my life. What I mean is, this is a kind of underlying belief it
has been very hard for me to let go of. I can challenge it, and tell
myself there are no guarantees, and that if I am going to communicate
I better be sure it is what I want to do and not that I am expecting
some kind of 'reward'. It's still difficult to completely accept that
so much of what I communicate must remain one-sided, something it is
impossible for anyone to respond to.