i am sick of myself. i hate this entry. if i don't write, will i b/p more? (there have been a few b/p episodes during the holidays, and a few binge drinking episodes, after i managed about 10.5 weeks without drinking.) if i do write, how can i stand myself? i have had nightmares lately, and i wonder if writing can help me with them. what's the truth, do i want to lose it and start shrieking at my family that they're a bunch of apathetic useless losers? i mean, will that make me feel relieved? or just make me feel worse? i think worse. i don't think these negative nightmare shriekings represent the truth of the situation, i think they represent a kind of frustration related to not being able to communicate effectively with family members over the years.

one thing i think i have anger about: i don't think anyone ever has the guts to tell me what they think of me to my face. i think lots of talking about me has gone on behind my back, but no one says anything to my face.

we all went through difficult things. those things were filtered through our makeups differently. i'm sure if one of the group loses it and starts shrieking, then probably a chain reaction would occur, and many would seize it as the situation they've (unconsciously) been waiting for, the justification or trigger to release all their previously repressed anger. and i always wanted to be ready for that, and to prevent further damage and alienation by guiding the whole thing, by being able to see more of the whole and finds words to help each of us to understand, but i always got the idea that everyone preferred to maintain the facade of a close family, rather than try to understand each other better. and there has always been a kind of ticking time bomb, ready to go off when everyone leasts expects it.

i feel incredibly weighed down by all my baggage, and i want to just let it go. i can see the framework, or the practical details and years of habits and imbalance that contributed to where i am now, and i would just like to be able to step outside that framework, feel lighter, in an instant.

let go of 'xesce', and just see what else there is.

but as much as that way of looking at the situation is valid, i feel that all the baggage is not really resolved, and when i've tried to just let it go and start fresh other times, it has all inevitably resurfaced. so i think now i am more likely to say that maybe i should leave what i have already expressed as it is, but say again that consciously i don't want to continue to be weighed down by it all. i want to look at things differently. i want to move to some other stage, without denying the reality of what came before.

i don't even know if i feel like a 'xesce'. it seems like that name was about some kind of hope for something different, and who i am doesn't seem to live up to the name. but the name bestowed by my biological family doesn't feel right either.

to me, choosing a name is like taking a stand. but hidden away in a room, with only a website to connect me with the world, it seems easier to understand my identity as xesce. out in the world, if i have to face people and talk to them, and show legal id in order to do things out in the world, where will that identity of xesce go?

will i find it easier to go out in the world if i make myself as inconspicuous as possible, and make no references at all to 'xesce', which may feel like too much pressure, too much to live up to if i end up being a dishrag kind of version of myself for an indefinite period, the way i am in the house.

it all just feels too difficult. am i my depression? what else am i? am i at least partly what i have tried to express or let out online?

do i want people to be able to search me online, or would that make me feel too vulnerable? these are things i suppose i need to think about. soon.

ah, i was thinking about this yesterday, the idea that if members of my biological family have seen my website, maybe they perceive it as an attack on them. a war. or, that i am simply weirdly out of touch with reality.

i was thinking about how it would probably be natural for each person to have things they would focus on. for example, if there are mistakes i've made in describing events, or if they perceived things differently, it may be natural for them to feel anger, and to focus on that, rather than to see my site as a whole, or to see what i am expressing about my existence.

that's one of the things that i have felt a bit overwhelmed by at times: the idea that if suddenly after not hearing from any of them for a very long time, all of them at once expressed issues with me regarding the site, issues of an angry nature. and that it would feel like everyone was ganging up on me. considering how long we've not had contact, i think anger is a natural emotion, but the idea of trying to support myself through that, when i exist in such a depleted, sad state - instead of understanding and support, to face yet more anger, more people inadvertently perhaps expressing that i don't have the right to my feelings, i don't have a right to be the way i am - no, what i mean is, that who i am angers them and they can't understand how anyone could be that way. it feels like judgement, when i still need nurturing, or at least information that can help me to see things in a new way.

i have tried to psychologically prepare myself for that possibility. in writing, from a distance, the thing is that i think with enough info to work with, i could help everyone to see more of an overview, not only to see my experience and what i express differently, but to see their own lives and experiences differently - without making it a blamefest, by making it an opportunity to help everyone understand each other better. the unresolved family or genetic issues that have resulted in 'me' are probably not totally resolved just by me going far away. i think that i can see enough and explain enough that i might be able to help all of us, and help future generations somewhat as a result.

maybe too grandiose, but i do think that one of my abilities is to be able to look at a lot of psychological data and come up with unique insights and a language for the situation.

maybe i dream about my family so often because i wouldn't mind the opportunity to see if i really do have that ability.

ok, it is natural that people who are functioning in the world would not speak the same language as me, would not have similar experiences and priorities. but if people could give me more info to work with, i could create bridges of understanding. for me to seek more info by initiating contact, i would have to focus and try in ways that would take more energy and self-esteem than i have at present.

when writing these things up, i see how my mind keeps falling into similar ways of describing, but i don't think i manage to express much. it is that i need outside input, and i do think it is at least possible that at present i have enough experience with examining uncomfortable data and sorting it out that i could possibly be of some help to the others. i can see how easy it could be now that things have gone on so long that the situation may be very hair- trigger, how easy it could be for anyone to snap and let out what's been repressed.

and how if i didn't make a very great effort it could be possible to widen the rift, add to it, multiply the bad feelings.

but that if i could be allowed to look at things in writing, i could organize it, i could find ways of tying info together, i could see the best in everyone, and i could 'elevate' the conversation.

but do they just want an easy smooth over. we miss you. we love you. come back to the turkey and stuffing. and smile.

and if i were to shrink from such an invitation, would i be seen as inhuman, fucked up.

and does that actually sum up the current state of affairs, what they've tried, and how they see me now?

would my nightmares be resolved to some extent if i were allowed to use my mind, my particular abilities, to sort through the data, if i were allowed to have more of it? (more data)

but it seems like i was always trying. the way i am now didn't just come out of nowhere. my efforts started long ago, and my approach grated with others, it felt compromising to their values, their ideas, it felt wrong to them. can that be changed? could i have learned enough since then to be better at bridging distances now?

the silence is i suppose some kind of statement.

what does it mean, coming from me? it means that i did what i could to try to open conversation when i had contact, and it was my impression a surface relationship only was wanted. it means that i still feel every day that i want to die, and maybe you have to be in that position to know what it feels like, and how it affects your ability to initiate conversations. it means my impression is that in order for communication to be possible, i would have to bend in ways i am too depleted to bend in. i don't know what i have to offer that is relevant to people who have real lives. i feel that i was someone who never really fit in or mattered, and that out of everyone, i was considered the most expendable. i can't cover all that up, and if someone says 'i miss you', 'i love you', i just have no idea what those words mean at all. it all just sounds like borgspeak to me. i don't think that anybody saw me or knew who i was at all, because in order to participate in the family, i had to cover up most of it and pretend. and since i stopped participating, no one seemed to notice or care. and when on a few rare occasions others have contacted me, it's like it's understood that i will be accepted only if i shut up and smile or spew the same empty phrases as everyone else, while doing my best not to be selfish, rude, inappropriate or inconvenient enough to inflict my real self on anyone.

on their side: they may worry that contacting me will just make things worse or more stressful for me. they may not have any idea about what can be done, they've done all they know how to do, and that maybe it's best to let me go off on my own until i work something out for myself and reestablish contact with them some day. they may think i am seriously fucked up and out of touch with reality and they may have anger related to what i have expressed. but i do not know for sure.

i am easier to locate than any of them are. type xesce into google. phone books, searches, etc, they, on the other hand, are all difficult to find. i gave them all an email address before i went away - and i still have it now. bizarre if out of everyone i have been the most consistently traceable.

Of the very few emails I have received related to family over the years, no one could respond to anything real I had written.

i think that because of the nature of my website, it is possible that i come across as thinking that i am the only one with problems. i don't think that at all. but i am not 'functional' in the ways the others seem to be, and my discontent with life is pretty profound. i have tried to prepare myself psychologically to be 'strong' in a way if they did decide to share their problems or input - to recognize how hard it can be to do so, and be ready to try to be of some support to them also. but there has to be some starting point, and since i'm most familiar with myself, i am the one who has put info out there.

did my suicidal urge develop over the years because i unconsciously picked up the idea that my existence contributed to the unhappiness of others? was i so timid and scared of causing expense or complication to those who had money problems and other serious adult problems of their own that over the years i sought to become as 'convenient' as possible, and when i couldn't even get that right, i had to live feeling constantly that something had to be done about myself, that i would feel stress until.. i was constantly trying to understand adult problems, and everybody's viewpoint, and to be a non-ugly person deserving of love i had to try to understand, and i couldn't carry that weight, and was just paralyzed and became exactly what i had feared to be: a permanent burden, drain on resources, etc. and i'm still struggling to get out from under that, to take responsibility for myself.

it seems so silly and pathetic, if that's how i developed, if i wasn't strong enough to overcome that baggage.

i do think it's related to generations of depression that others managed not to complain about. and maybe it's a sign of social deterioration that i'm such a whiner. but the good old days weren't always so good, and you can't stop change. and maybe i'm an unfortunate but necessary step in the process of understanding and moving forward.

i'm still struggling to get out of my rut. I hope I do better in 2008.