I am at this very moment hiding out at the Snooze Inn, an apartment hotel in Woolloongabba, a suburb fairly close to the Brisbane city centre. (http://www.snoozeinn.com.au) It's raining. I feel enormous, conspicuous and clumsy. The lighting in the bathroom here makes my makeup look nice.

I am not here for a holiday. I'll get back to that in a minute.

The room comes with broadband internet, Foxtel, washing machine/dryer, microwave, fridge, and at least one very large cockroach, which I spotted in the cupboard under the sink. I quickly closed the door and tried to put it out of my mind. However, I am reluctant to unpack much.

The room generally appears very clean. As far as emergency 'psych wards' go, this one isn't so bad. My photos don't show the plants outside that I liked because I only had a moment to take photos. I didn't want the rain to damage the camera, but mostly I was incredibly self-conscious standing outside, even though there doesn't seem to be anyone around.

Beige beige beige beige. My mood is beige. I'm trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, but I feel exposed, off-balance.

Coming here was an emergency measure, but it may represent a need to take some kind of stand, or deal with something I've been putting off for too long.

I'm still trying to leave, but at present I don't feel very strong. This may be another test run. I found this place online and booked it without consulting GK. I guess I would have preferred that my next booking be somewhere else, that I would have been strong enough to travel, but I really am just hiding out for a while. I'm here for 8 days, but if I suddenly felt stronger, I suppose I could use this as a base to go on from here.

GK's family is visiting today - that's why I'm here instead of at the house. I had lots of notice, lots of time to try to prepare and psych myself up, but as the time went by, I kept sabotaging it, and I think I did it purposely, to try to get myself to examine some of my thoughts.

I am afraid of hurting their feelings. And it seems silly that when I spend so much time craving social contact that when I have the first opportunity in a long time I walk away from it. The thing is, it's partly related to the situation. If we were just meeting for coffee or a meal, I think it would have been easier to handle. But, I also wonder if I've reached another point of no return. I respect them, want to offer a kind of support, but I feel so far away from being able to interact like a normal or well-adjusted individual, or even as someone who has anything to say at all.

We haven't had any visitors to the house since the last time GK's family visited almost 6 years ago. We've had a couple of people in with regards to some of the work that was done on the house, but that's pretty much it.

In the house, the place where I've spent most of the last 6 years of my life, I don't think I can hide that my daily reality is very difficult for me. I don't think I should try to hide it. I want to offer GK emotional support wrt his family, and I want them to know that I admire their efforts in life to work toward making the world a better place (both work in jobs concerned with environmental issues), and I want to share the possums, but I can't stretch that out over the enormous space of a 'normal' visit. Past experience has shown me that in their presence I will babble like an idiot and feel bad afterward.

I'm at a different place in life. I think I should encourage GK to have more contact with his family, while I'm probably unable to for some of the reasons I don't have contact with my own family. I don't feel that I am a person in the way that they all are. Or I'm consciously trying to escape social roles and customs that feel too rigid to me, or not genuine

No. I think it's mainly that I still just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't know what to say for myself, and when I'm with company, I can't hide it. My answer to everything is: I know I want to die. I just don't know how to do it. I'm sorry, I just can't get interested in life. Which doesn't make for scintillating conversation for most people, and is likely to feel like a burden. So the best thing is probably not to give them more info than they want.

When I'm just with GK, it's like there's a desensitization on both our parts, maybe. He's heard it all and accepts it, and somehow we just go on, perhaps never quite sure when a crisis will finally occur.

GK had been away for work, and on his return brought me chocolates and Bret Easton Ellis' American Psycho. If I expose myself, my location, online, will some psycho look me up and kindly defile my safe beige limbo?

I don't think I'd fit anyone's MO. I'm way too boring, lumpy, etc. (I'm currently in the higher end of my 'normal' weight range.) In a way, maybe taking this step, of broadcasting where I am at the time I'm actually here is a way of saying ok, I'm sick of how I feel about myself, maybe if someone actually saw me and said yes, you are too large for your frame, unattractive, boring, etc, it might actually push me to do something about it. It sorta sucks that when I was thinner and fitter a few months ago I didn't do this, heh, but even then I guess I was waiting until I did better... and now... ugh. Maybe I'm just saying I don't know if I can try any more, or maybe it doesn't matter.

Most likely, the time will pass as it always does. Very slowly. I don't have any wish to go out exploring. I'd be too self-conscious. So, nothing is likely to disturb the order of this beige universe.

I might keep adding to this page throughout my stay as a way of coping.

[I am still a bit worried about Olaf. (To read more about Olaf, or the other possums, see my Possum TV site. The most current info is in the diary.) I haven't seen him for some time. His wound probably wasn't life-threatening, though. I'm hoping that he has been staying away or lying low while he heals, and that he will eventually visit again.]

No further cockroach sightings.

I am experiencing the tacky compulsion to compile an entry entitled Boozin' at the Snooze Inn, but in order to create the content, I'd actually have to walk out the door and cross the street to buy alcohol. Which I don't think I'm up to.

I chose this place specifically because I thought I'd have privacy. However, it is turning out not to be as private as I had hoped.

I arrived Friday night, but there were issues with credit card processing, (computers down or processing equipment down) and that was hanging over my head until Monday, not knowing when they were going to contact me to get that settled. On the website, it says that rooms are serviced weekly. However, on Monday and again today (Tuesday) housekeeping services have knocked on the door to ask if I want the room serviced. Today I managed to ask if I could be left on my own until I check out. I was told it was no problem, but I will probably be on my guard every day during servicing hours (10am-1pm) in case someone forgets or there is alternate staff. If I don't answer when someone knocks, they will just use a key to enter. I am not overly freaked out, but I am not comfortable, and feel like I just want to get out of here.

But where would I go? I am again painfully aware of how difficult it is for someone who is weird in the ways I am weird to find places to go in the world. It does seem necessary that I psych myself up as much as possible before attempting to travel or go anywhere, such that I am able to at least give the semblance of 'normality', or such that I don't put myself in the position of constantly feeling on guard or like I am trying to recover from a feeling of humiliation. How do I explain that for me to find my feet, I need to be able to have my own schedule, I can't be always 'ready' to deal with people every day at 10am... I may need a few weeks with no contact with people at all, or else it's like I am set back or can't move forward, I get stuck in a cycle of waiting for the daily shock to the system, and all my energy goes into that or into recovery. I know it's ridiculous, but when I'm feeling particularly vulnerable and like I'm not coping well, I just can't get past it.

In the future, how would I cope with this sort of situation? It seems to me that it would be necessary to have more contact with someone running things, to perhaps give a clear message from the beginning that I chose a particular place for privacy, and do not wish to be disturbed during my stay. The problem with that is that there may be staff rotations or inconsistencies or unexpected issues, including simple human forgetfulness. On one occasion when travelling with GK for his work, we did talk to the desk staff and ask for privacy (for me while he was away at work), but sure enough every single day housekeeping services came to the room, even though we kept the Do Not Disturb sign on the door.

But surely there are other people in the world who travel who have at least somewhat similar issues to mine? From what I've experienced so far, the Honey Apartments in Melbourne were the perfect travel option for me. For the two weeks I was there, I was not disturbed at all. The washing machine in the flat made it possible for me to deal with the things that housekeeping services in hotels usually offer - it was possible for me to wash towels or sheets (as well as my own clothes.) There's a washing machine here, but still I am pestered with fresh towels and whatnot.

I feel mean using the word 'pestered', because I know that everyone is just doing their job, and I'm really freaking weird and that's the main issue.

I was just interrupted by a call from reception, saying that they needed to check the room out. The explanation was that when people stay a week, sometimes they totally trash the place, and they need to make sure that everything is in order. A couple of girls came in, looked around quickly, commented that I was keeping it clean and that there was no problem and that now I wouldn't be hassled further. I feel very embarrassed and like I need to hide somewhere. It's probably going to be some time until I can calm down. I doubt I will be able to relax for the rest of the time I'm here.

Maybe the issue is that I have to stay in one place long enough for the people to get to know me and to know that I will keep a place tidy and that I won't damage anything. Long enough for the people to get used to my personality/quirks. The problem is that if in the beginning I'm constantly stressed, I feel the need to go away and hide somewhere, and feel reluctant to ever come back to a place because I can't get over the embarrassment of the initial contact. Which brings us back to the initial assessment: before travelling or going anywhere, I have to prepare myself psychologically as well as I possibly can. This current situation is an emergency situation, and I just have to get through the next few days as best I can, hold back the panic, and then try yet again to get myself together, so that I can try again to do something about my situation.

12:29: A further update. After I uploaded today's entry, there was another knock on the door. It was a girl I hadn't seen before, and she was bringing me the November Foxtel TV listings. I had a feeling this might happen. Yesterday, when I did the credit card authorization, I asked if there was a Foxtel guide for November (the one in the room was for October.) A package was opened, and a copy of the guide was given to me, and the girl at the desk made a mental note out loud to herself to remind some of the staff to pass the rest of them out to the other rooms. At that time I wondered if perhaps I would have to deal with more contact related to this. I guess for most people it's no big deal. It's just that I went to a lot of effort to find a place where (I thought) I wouldn't have to deal with these things. If I had known it wasn't really different to regular hotels, I could have just gone to a cheaper hotel. Although I do admit that I very much like having internet access in the room. Anyway, more momentary panic, I needed to write to calm down. I think I'm recovering ok.