Sessions in Second Life with Dr Velvet Thong

Note from Xesce: I do not look IRL as I do in my Second Life photos, and I do not look the way I did in 2015, but I do not intend to fat-shame or age-shame myself.

Velvet: I'm struggling with the old website. I feel I need to morph, update the form, but I don't have the energy I used to for trying new things.

And I'm still caught in an unresolved trauma loop. I'd need to quit drinking in order to attempt to do more, but I need some kind of trauma counselling to help me give up alcohol. If I don't give up drinking, I'm not stable enough to do much of anything.

Sometimes I have fun in Second Life, but it's usually only a few times a year I manage to go. I still like dancing as a communication form, or a form of expression, but as with my site, I'm stuck and am unable to get further. I need to be able to concentrate better in order to be able to better express myself. I'm still trying out dance scripts in various places, and find it hard to make smooth transitions, or to move in certain ways, because my technical skill in Second Life has not progressed enough. I'm nowhere near ready to write my own scripts. I can barely stay on top of organizing my inventory. Actually, I am not staying on top of it.

At first, I was doing Second Life sober, but eventually I found it easier to get dressed and go dancing if I drank. I really should note that 'boudoir' is a place you can find many beautiful and arty outfits that work with classic/system avatars. There are also things for mesh avatars, so you have to check the descriptions.

And I'm still not mesh. I am genuinely curious about learning how, but I have to admit that with my concentration level, I need a mentor, and I'm finding it too difficult to say much more than 'hi' to people. Often I just run, and I'm genuinely sorry if anyone worries if they did something wrong.

My avatar is definitely a virgin.

Dr Velvet Thong: You seem to be wearing brighter colours these days.

Velvet: I'd felt that I was stuck in a black and red rut for a long time, and I didn't know how to escape it. Second Life definitely helps. My avatar can wear a much wider variety of clothing than I can.

Velvet: There is something else I'd like to discuss, but I'll try to keep it brief.

It's not like I can take a patent out on the name Xesce, and it's not like I think I have any claim to it. It makes sense to me that there might be many others with the name.

I am wondering though if some people are confused as to who is me, and who might be someone else.

When YouTube adopted the 'handle' thing, I was a bit slow on the uptake, and only managed to acquire 'xesceTV', and someone else grabbled 'xesce'. I only have one YouTube account. I think the 'xesce' one is a Spanish language one, but I'm not sure. I'm definitely not fluent in Spanish. I wonder if this other Xesce is annoyed by my presence.

I'm pretty sure she also has a Twitter account, and I don't.

Anyway, aside from that, I think it's possible that there are those out there who might try to harm me by using the name Xesce, maybe to try to make me feel less 'special', or to confuse others about me, such that actions and beliefs that have nothing to do with me become associated with me - such that even fewer people like or trust me.

Dr Velvet Thong: I vaguely remember a few people you've had contact with who, sad to say, who might be capable of such things.

Definitely some odd specimens, if not overtly malicious.

I remember the guy who sent you a very professional-looking e-brochure, all about these revolutionary new pellets that would clean your gas tank and help you get more mileage. It was always questionable whether the personal photos he sent of himself and his girlfriend were real, or fake, or deep fakes. It seemed like he knew a lot about how to fake a lot of things, including websites and profiles.

In today's climate, I can definitely understand that you might feel a need to try to speak up, but I myself am wondering who's going to believe anyone in the near future.

Velvet: My paranoid proclivities have not really decreased over time. I admit that sometimes I wonder, if no one's drained my bank account by now, maybe there's some other long range plan beyond run-of-the-mill identity theft. Like setting me up to take the fall for something really major, because I can be easily interpreted as majorly 'crazy'.

Dr Velvet Thong: I admit I am at a loss, but I've seen you fight before, and I suspect you could again.

Velvet: I wonder if I can manage to get through an entire session without saying fuck once.

There is something I want to own up to publicly, in case anyone investigates at some point.

I'm fine with not having many subscribers to my YouTube account, but if anyone looks into it, it might seem like a lie, because two of the subscribers are technically Possum Dreaming and me (one of my old accounts.) I made a decision to do that some years ago, not to inflate my subscriber number in order to make it look like more people like me than do, but because I felt attacked by someone in particular. I felt that that person had subscribed as if to say 'I'm constantly watching you, I've been watching you for years' - because the account was called 'Xesce TV', and I felt that when I posted some videos in 2015, what they had tried to communicate to me, even though I'd given up drinking for 8 months and was slimmer and healthier than I'd been in a long time, that they had nothing kind or encouraging to say, and just wanted to let me know I was old, dried up meat.

And so at that time, I asked Possum Dreaming to support me, such that we would be two together against that one subscriber. There didn't seem to be any way to eject or delete subscribers.

I want to note while I'm here that Possum Dreaming is worried about appropriation issues regarding his name, but he can't go back to Grey Knight or Don Quixote.

Dr Velvet Thong: It seems to be a nasty human habit to try to psych others out, especially women. It might not seem this way to you, but maybe you've always had more power than you thought, or were more of a threat than you thought, such that others wanted to discredit you, and prevent you from having power. And while you spent too much time worrying what you did to harm someone, such that they felt revenge was warranted, a communication pattern from them became clear over time. The messages were similar, and followed a pattern and it would be possible to identify the patterns to others.

Velvet: Which brings me to: there are many individuals I've encountered in my life, offline and on, who I think might have caused great harm to others. It seems like I should probably sit down, make a list, and try to capture patterns, possibly give dates and locations. Even if there is no longer any evidence, it might be helpful to others who have experienced something similar, to have that support, that corroboration.

Dr Velvet Thong: I think that's something we need to get back to.

Velvet: I just remembered something I thought it was important to address. When I have to check boxes regarding sexuality and gender, I feel a kind of panic or PTSD-like reaction. I really don't want to do it, which makes me think many people might assume I'm closeted, in one way or another.

I'm F/CIS/57. I don't like describing myself as CIS, because I feel like it's a failing, that although I've always identified as F, I feel it's more evolved to be fluid, and I always wanted to try to leave it open that I could evolve, in the right supportive or inspiring circumstances. And I admit, this is an issue with SL, that it's still pretty binary and gender role stereotypical. At the same time, I do admit that I still want the chance to explore or enjoy some of what I find attractive about stereotypical feminity.

When I was a child, I thought I was Bi, although I didn't use that term. Later, Pan, but, because my relationships and experiences from my teens on were all with (CIS)males, I felt like I was afraid of misleading anyone, or like I didn't deserve to be part of the LGBTIQ+ 'community'. My first online relationship was with a person who was intersex, and identified as male, but I didn't think that counted as Pan, although I'm guessing it probably did.

And for years now, I feel the only way to describe my sexuality is TRAUMATIZED. If anyone expressed interest, I'd run (and/or assume it was some kind of scam), and I'd be afraid people would think it was because I was prejudiced in some way. And I feel that it's not ok, you can't say you're traumatized because then no one can respect you - you're playing victim, and you are not taking responsibility for your mental health and life. I'm so weary of being constantly judged that I can't take it any more, and rather than feel I am imposing my baggage on them, I make a decision not to, even though I know one of the big issues related to mental illness, addiction and trauma is self-isolation.

The other thing is that the cumulative messages from those who wished me harm over time have led me to feel that I am under surveillance, and that if I ever left the house, I would be followed and monitored every step of the way, not just by Big Brother, but by those with a very personal grudge or agenda.

Dr Velvet Thong: I know that most people would think that's just your illness talking, but I don't. I believe you. I was there, for all of it. I think that almost all messages about mental illness and addiction haven't changed enough, stigma hasn't really diminished much or at all (it's just that people know stigma is 'bad' but they don't really know what it means in relation to these issues.) It's like there needs to be a massive change in understanding and language/conversation.

Velvet: Thank you.

Take care of yourselves, possums.