While GK was recently away for work, I was alone in his house. During that time, an accident occurred. One night GK's car, which was parked on the street, was hit and significantly damaged. A young driver's car was damaged but he was not injured. We later learned that the driver was not under the influence, but had lost control of his vehicle, first crashing into a pole, and then into GK's car.

One of the reasons I stopped drinking at the end of November 2014 was that I knew my self-esteem had reached a point where I would not be able to handle a crisis if it occurred. While in an extended heavy drinking phase, I constantly felt that I was in a precarious position. I knew that if I had to talk to or interact with humans I would be likely to find it very difficult. It's not that I thought it was enjoyable, or that I wanted it to continue, but I had come to think that for me, life was better with alcohol than without, and I was just waiting to die. I did realize that it might take time. There are so many warnings, but in reality, very bad habits might only reduce the expected lifespan by 20 years. Could I really live to 65 or so? And how incapacitated would I be, for how many years?

In September 2014, I had my first foray into the outside world in a few years, and I didn't really enjoy it. I didn't think there was anything for me out there. I had stopped drinking for 3 weeks so that I could deal with that trip, but when I returned, there was a major backlash, and I drank more heavily than I ever had.

Anyway.. when the accident occurred, I was unaware of it at first. I hadn't heard anything. Two internal doors in the house were shut, sounds carries weirdly here, and I might still have been listening to loud music because I was exercising. I only noticed something a bit odd when through the frosted glass I spotted some lights I wasn't used to seeing. When I stepped just out the front door, I couldn't wrap my head around what I was seeing. It was dark and from my angle at the bottom of a sloping driveway, it was difficult to make out much, but I didn't understand the position of the car, amongst other things. There was a young person pacing. I said 'wtf?' and I realized not long after that I very likely came across as inhuman, and this did cause me to feel consciously anxious. Very shortly after a male voice asked if everyone was alright. I didn't hear the reply, but I gathered that the main issue was the damage to the vehicles.

A normal person would start asking questions, and would check out the scene. I went and hid in the house. I called GK and asked him what he wanted me to do. I did actually have an anxiety reaction. My heartrate was very fast, I noticed that my breathing was difficult, and I felt nauseated. GK ended up calling the police and sorting things out, but I did feel embarrassed about how I handled the situation. Even though at the time I hadn't been drinking for almost 10 weeks, I still wasn't ready to deal with people. Luckily no one was physically hurt.

I find myself wondering if I ever will be ready to deal with people. I feel like I have tried as much as possible, and that my effort is just not enough. I am not planning to drink any time soon, but it does seem that my pattern is likely to be similar to previous times. Whatever my excessive behaviour is at the time, I focus all my energy on stopping it so that I have a chance to 'have more of a life' (for a few moments), with the idea that I will also try to pull off a suicide, but eventually there is just no way to make life enjoyable enough, even momentarily, or to sustain the effort. My efforts don't connect in practical or authentic ways.

GK's car is now being repaired. It seems unlikely it will look the way it did before. Will this give it character? There are already so many cars that look similar. I think in many ways we both liked that he would have a chance to take his Lada out of storage for a while.

This time, I wasn't drunk, the driver wasn't drunk, but I found myself thinking about the crash symbolically, such that because I have left things so long, there is the increased likelihood that small and large crises will eventually crop up. Accidents are part of life, but it is always difficult to be sure which ones are avoidable. The passenger's side was more damaged than the driver's. I am not ready to drive. I am just trying to get far enough ahead, but the older I get, the harder it is to get even as far as the places that used to still not really be acceptable. There are many warning signs that I should get out before it gets worse.

There are no Peaceful Pills in sight.

I am trying to get far enough ahead to 'do something'. I've had many ideas about what to do, but planning is difficult and spontaneity might be foolish. I don't have ID and I don't know where I can actually go or what I can do without it. I've reached a point where getting ID is not only difficult in practical and psychological ways, but where I think the system is extremely ugly. Biting the bullet and going through with it is the sensible thing to do, but what it all stands for goes against what I find acceptable. People are often saying 'if you don't like it, leave'.. not really understanding how difficult it can be to move in the world. Not everyone is internally and practically resourceful.

I wanted to create an entry for Valentine's Day that was more colourful and energetic, but nothing really worked out. It actually feels like I am in a 'good' phase at the moment. At present, it is possible to be hopeful that somehow I can escape the cesspool of daily ongoing life. At the same time, it seems to me that I am engaging in a kind of bomb shelter mentality again. I am trying to get as much done as possible before the next collapse. I think there are things I like about living like a wastrel, and maybe to some extent I accept that about myself. However.. if I am asked to carefully consider what I value and what I believe is the best course of action in my situation, I would not say that I want any kind of life longterm it is realistic for me to achieve.

Hmmm. If I want to get in under the line, I have to post this now, without editing.


->exile on meme st: a diary