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Sex & Death Spoiler Alert: This entry may contain comments that are insensitive, offensive or triggering to those dealing with cancer - whether themselves or when it comes to someone they care about. [17.11.24 - not ready to update at this time - check back later. At present, the general wait time for an endoscopy is 2-3 months, and I think I've got about 7 weeks to go. I have a few more details regarding my situation, but would prefer not to get into them yet. However, the whole situation feels pretty scary to me, and the waiting is extremely stressful.] Xesce: The serious issues from earlier this year, not to mention any pre-existing issues, have not been resolved. In addition, I am now experiencing dysphagia - difficulty swallowing food. Sometimes it feels like food gets stuck, sometimes it feels like I am choking and can't breathe, or can't get quite enough air. It started with a few incidents and seems to be getting worse. I can only eat liquid foods, pureed foods and a small selection of soft foods. This is unlikely to result in weight loss, because I can still drink wine. It seems likely this is the result of 23 years of bulimia and many years of heavy drinking - damage to, and scarring of the esophagus. Possibly I have cancer of the esophagus, but I am trying not to get my hopes up. I've read that it is often not caught until Stage 4, and by then the person may only have 4-6 months to live (and my hope would be if I did have it, I'd qualify for VAD). As I said, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. And the reality is that I might not be able to jump through all the necessary hoops to make VAD happen. I'm not even sure I can go through with getting any kind of official diagnosis - because there are too many appointments to go to, a lot of waiting, and a whole bunch of people who do not know about my pre-existing issues. I think in total this year I've only been sober a little over 50 days. Only 10 were because I felt ready, really ready to try, and the rest due to panic and trying to make doctor's appointments, or because PD was away for work. I'm running out of steam, I'm scared all the time and don't know what to do. I have tried so hard to stop drinking so many times that it seems unlikely I can do it, no matter the consequences. Possum Dreaming is under incredible stress due to this situation. And, there is the added issue that both his parents died of cancer. I visited Emergency on the 4th of September*, and only managed to get forms for a barium swallow from my doctor about a month later. Then, PD called a whole lot of places, and no one does them. There's been a barium shortage since the pandemic. I have a contrast test booked now, but I don't know if I can make it there. I am not sure if I have to do this so that my doctor will then book an endoscopy for me, but she seemed to be saying it takes a month or so to book one, and she did not seem very confident that anyone would actually get back to me. (The *Emergency was extremely crowded, and my anxiety exacerbated my symptoms, so I fled. Drinking seemed to help give me some relief.) If all of this is too dark/stressful, maybe check out what I've been up to on Second Life (video above.) That is as positive as I'm able to be. What do you think, is it all fake, or is there something real that gets through? I need to clear up a false impression I gave my doctor. I always get something wrong when I go, something that could lead us down the wrong path and compromise my care. Last time, I said something I don't really believe, and I think it was just a reflex, an automatic response to an authority figure. I said that ideally I would give up drinking and I think I gave the impression I meant 'permanently' - but I do not believe that at all. Ideally, I would be granted the medical treatment I want - VAD - for mental illness, that my condition would be taken seriously, and I would be considered competent and credible regarding my own condition, quality of life, and prospects. And once that had been decided, I would allow myself to drink until my 'date'. If I do have cancer, and a legal reason for VAD, I'll consider myself lucky. But not without making this statement. I think I should have been granted VAD long ago. My pre-existing illness is serious and debilitating. My quality of life has been poor for a very long time. I wish that I had been believed. |
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