melbourne dreaming

Am I going to make it to Melbourne? The graffiti here is from a Brisbane park.

At the time I'm writing this, I still don't know one way or the other if I will be granted a passport. I am thinking of my hypothetical passport as a fake ID, although technically I am not doing anything illegal to acquire it. I just don't relate to 'Stephanie', even though I have to use her in order to be 'allowed' to participate in some parts of life, and to make sure my options don't further dwindle.

I don't know if I will still feel the same way as I have in the past about Melbourne if I get there. But, it does seem essential to me that I try my best to get there.

I have been going out, and I've also answered the phone, the door, and made phonecalls. I've been assertive in various ways. Some of the things I began in 2011 but gave up on I have managed to take a few steps further this time. For example, my living will/advance health directive has been signed by a doctor, and now when/if I get ID, I can get it witnessed by a JP. In 2011, I started the passport process but gave up. This time, I have done everything in my power to try to get a passport and am just waiting to hear back.

I want to make a comment about internet shopping. In another article I wrote about how my bank card was eaten by a machine because I hadn't used it in years and it was considered expired. You may well ask how I found myself in this situation. Well, most of my shopping was online shopping. In recent months, it probably seems to the post office that we've got a 'What's She Building In There' situation going on here, but what I'm doing is trying to address years of imbalance. Most people, even those who do not shop all that much, probably aren't aware of how all the little items add up. I find that I prefer online shopping, although I still am not too crazy about shopping. I am hoping I have now hoarded enough supplies (when it comes to the things hardest for me to track down) to last 10 years or so, and I won't have to shop all that much. Does this mean I am planning to live 10 years? Not exactly, but based on my past record, it seems better to be prepared, and to have as many options as possible.

Even though lately it seems like I've been shopping excessively, it could be that over the years I've actually bought considerably less than most people. Is this just another outlet for binge behaviour? I have thought about it, and it seems to me that this might be a 'positive' one, one that addresses actual needs. Instead of finding shopping too overwhelming because I make so many stupid mistakes, I have persevered, and tried to methodically solve some of the lacks I've had for many years. This involves assessing my needs and my abilities realistically, and being brave enough to to be extravagant if necessary. Is it really better to let this keep tripping me up such that I lack things that would improve my quality of life, while I keep spending more and more on wine? And I'm not against eventually spending more on wine again, and I reserve the right to decide for myself if that increases my quality of life, but through shopping this year, I have learned a lot, and I think I am making headway.

Anyway. I hope I make it to Melbourne.


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