last days august 18-20, 2015

what will remain in my memory, and what traces will i leave behind?

Is this my last trip to Melbourne, will I ever return?

This will be my last entry during the trip itself. Tomorrow (the 20th) I will pack everything up and catch a train. After having a certain amount of privacy in the apartment, I will be in public for 35 hours or so. I didn't book a sleeper this time, and there is a long stopover in Sydney (about 7 hours or so). I don't know if I'll be able to sleep in my seat, or if I'll feel really stressed. At the end of a trip, it is normal for me to feel depleted and like I just want to hide.

Did I make contact with anyone, even in small ways, while here?

red velvet mini at little cupcakes

After a rough day in which my self-esteem was extremely poor, I again ventured out. I painted my nails, found something to wear I hadn't worn yet on the trip, and had a skinny latte and a mini-cupcake at Little Cupcakes. I had never tried red velvet before, and didn't realize it was a popular choice at this shop.

coat on, coat off..

It's cold in winter in Melbourne. During the part of my trip when I hadn't yet consumed massive quantities of coffee, chocolate, wine and food, I needed to have a coat on, and probably no one could tell how thin I was..

a window at apartment 401

I am not sure I have stressed enough how great this apartment is. I want to help the owners out by passing on my impressions, but how do I let the owners know how few connections I have? I'm not on Facebook, I don't have tons of friends or family, and I'm not really sure how many people actually look at my website.. I guess I could go somewhere like Trip Advisor, and leave 'proper' reviews for this place, and The Blackman, and Hidden Secrets Tours (all of these deserve to have positive notice), but I haven't checked if in order to sign up, I need yet another password.. I get freaked out by how many different things online require passwords. It doesn't seem to be a very good system.. and, in addition to that, when I write freeform on my site, I feel like myself. When I try to fit what I have to say into a more popular format, I can have a lot of trouble with it.

the apartment at night

I bought some tealights, and arranged them all over the apartment at night. I tried really hard to keep the blinds open, such that I wasn't always hiding.. but for me this sort of thing is difficult, day or night. Some days I've had the blinds open, and others I have not.

non-binge food..

I have been managing to curtail the bingeing again, no more b/p, and the (super-sexy!) problem with the feet/ankles has cleared up, although I am paying attention, and hoping I don't cause it all to flare up again.

yes, processed to make skintone more appealing, but the basic shape hasn't been altered

I am self-conscious about gaining weight, and feeling bloated, and that I don't seem to feel bloated in 'all the right places'..

black heart

It's a black and white picture, but even in the original I think it was difficult to make out that there are many tiny little stones embedded in the heart, of many different colours.

on the last night i ended up here

I'm going to try to reload this entry with these two new photos from the night, and then after that, I'm not sure when I will update my site again. I don't know where I'm going from here. If the binge continues, I will try to enjoy it, but I will try to think about what it is I want in life, or might want, and see how that matches up with my capabilities.

last supper

This is another thing it was difficult to photograph well. Eggplant coated in chickpea batter.. it looked like a little stack of pancakes, with a salsa-ish thing on top and a yogurt dipping sauce.

I thought I might just stay in and eat up anything leftover, and try to relax, but I ended up wandering the streets. I had various ideas of places to try, but some things were closed, and some when I passed I didn't feel up to, for one reason or another. I did really enjoy this last meal out.. but I had two glasses of wine with it, and after I had it, I ended up wandering around picking up binge items, including a completely delicious pecan tart, a very rich and tasty brownie (above and beyond what I'd bought earlier..), a personal size veggie pizza, and a bottle of red.. I guess it's possible to see where I'm going with this..

I did have a good night, even though I lost control and did what I hadn't meant to do. I don't know if this means I will feel worse in having to cope with the long train ride, or not.

I think there are some parallels between paying for unusual accommodation, food and drink, and paying for sex. Psychologically, what I'm doing works better for me than paying for sex would.

->exile on meme st: a diary