Do you care where your meat comes from?
People talk about porn in certain ways: some are dismissive of it,
others think it's a fun thing or a naughty thing or a habit it would
be best to give up, some find it repulsive or degrading, etc, but
when people talk about 'porn', are they really all talking about the
same thing? Maybe most of us are aware to some extent of what
'regular porn' is like, but it might be different now from what it
was like in the past. Different people are drawn to different types
of porn and specialties, and also may have favourite porn stars. What
makes a person choose one over another?
It seems there might be a kind of individual journey when it
comes to how porn is sought out, or how a person is introduced to
porn. Is it something passed down in a family, is it something
friends introduce, is it something sought out in private, out of
curiosity or need? Every drug addict has a story of how the addiction
began, every relationship has a kind of story as to how it began.
When people talk about 'porn', it is like everyone thinks that one
little word sums up everyone's experience.
With porn, the idea is probably to accept what interests and excites
you without over-analyzing. But, if you can't switch off the part of
your mind that does analyze, if you can't help but be aware of
possible subconscious factors or underlying beliefs, I guess it's
not quite the same experience. With my so far limited experience of
porn, it does seem to me that it is difficult for people not to
convey hidden beliefs and attitudes through the porn they make or
like.
We still get the old argument related to porn that is passed
on from generation to generation, that many men duly repeat: the
women in magazines are just fantasies, they are not real, one day you
will meet a respectable woman and create a family together, a real
woman who laughs and sneezes and farts and grows old and is not
airbrushed.
This argument has to be updated, partly because there are now so many
images out there of 'fantasy women' that it confuses the brain as to
how many of them exist in relation to 'real women', and it seems to
me that it would be logical to assume that some men get to be with
these 'fantasy women'. Are 'real women' enough any more? Is 'real'
synonymous with 'flawed', not as desirable? The other problem with
the argument is that it keeps men from seeing women in porn as real
women or human beings in their own right.
Desensitization: maybe in watching porn with another person, I get a
sense of what the other gets out of it, and this is (eventually) what
turns me off over time. It is like I can see the 'ultimate' point of
the relationship, and it is not ultimate enough. I have watched porn
with those I know have at least vague ideas about ideal
relationships, 'cool' relationships, or who have ideas of 'obsessive
love', but even in porn watching, I think there would need to be more
of a sense of connection, not a distancing. The distancing is the
norm. Shared activities are about getting to know the other, not both
going off into their own worlds, waiting for something better, or
just waiting for something to happen, or never discussing what you
want, or what you want to try. If it seems the porn is only a
'delaying' tactic in the relationship, something that puts off the
inevitable, or puts off thinking about the relationship or what both
parties want, for me it can't satisfy the need to psychologically
explore another person. I am 'shut out'.
So, what are my thoughts about having sex on film myself? Would I
do it?
It seems to me one of the things that an adventurous person would
try. I haven't ever been in a relationship with a person who
requested it, but I think the main issue is of course a trust issue.
This is one of the activities that sounds hot to try out, but
it is something that can potentially change how both parties view
themselves, the relationship, and themselves in relation to each
other and where each fits and ranks in the world. And, if the
relationship ends, would either party want to get revenge, or would
either party enjoy secretly putting sex videos online?
The nature of the internet has changed. I entered the scene when
Usenet newsgroups were popular, before Facebook, Twitter and the
ubiquitousness of online dating sites. In the early years, people put
up with long, 'boring' conversations perhaps because they didn't
think they had options. I realize I was probably more tolerant of
certain things in myself and others at the time, including the male
sense of sexual urgency which overlooked female individuality. I was
lonely and isolated, and it was an exciting novelty that some people
were very blunt and forthcoming about their sexual desires. It gave
me a creative outlet. I made the effort to respond creatively, and to
use such opportunities as outlets for personal expression and
exploration. It was disheartening to discover a recognizable image or
role was perceived as the whole or the core. In addition, maybe I was
too conciliatory, maybe I bent too far, met people more than halfway.
As I expressed myself on my website, I discovered that 'being
yourself' is only the 'right' thing to do if there is some kind of
market for who you are. As my website grew, it seemed that sexual
interest in me diminished or dwindled.
I can't win when it comes to beauty, accomplishment,
status, etc, and so I tried to make myself visible as something
alternative, without being self-deprecating. I am something
different. I am not a cliché.
It seems, though, that maybe in order to be 'healthy', a person
actually should continue to explore sex and sexuality all their
life. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I think it's like
a lot of other areas in my life: I need outside input in order to
get to a new stage. I am stuck.
->back to leftovers
->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net
