binge city august 13th, 2015

today was one of those days..

You can sort of see my strawberries (bought a couple of days ago) are going off. And I probably did eat the 'best' ones first.. But it makes me wonder to what extent bingeing is sometimes triggered by a need to use up stuff that is going off. The mistake I made today I think was in having too much iced coffee (made here in the apartment with 'free' milk that was going to go off on the 14th.) I didn't make it with whipped cream - just coffee, milk and some sugar - but I felt very full after having it.

..when the only way to get rid of temptation was to yield to it..

I had been in control for 8 months, and even when I drank a few times (3 in total before my trip), I was able to stay on track. Many people believe that all bulimics are the same, and that they use vomiting to control their weight. However, it can be complicated. I hadn't vomited for years, and it was a big deal to me when it finally occurred again, during my trip.

At the same time, it was not totally unexpected. One of the reasons I had been able to go without purging for so many years was probably because I hadn't been trying to control my weight. My weight was low, and had been low now for some time. My body and its chemicals were probably screaming for more food, eventually causing me to overdo it, and then purge because I felt overwhelmingly sick (full).

When you purge, you don't get up all the calories you've consumed. What can happen is that you make room in your stomach such that you're not in pain, and that possibly you can eat again. If you repeat this process, you can easily still consume enough calories in a given day to gain weight. How much weight would you gain if you purged none of it? A lot, yes, but if you can't get it in in the first place, you can't gain that amount. When it comes to me, the whole process can be an out of control, really excessive experience that scares the crap out of me.

I feel disgusting and want to hide, and it can take time to feel strong enough to face people again. Maybe it's like I feel like people can see or sense how out of control I am, or they see me as covered in vomit, or something. I do experience bloating, a dry, unpleasant feeling in my mouth, and bags and circles under the eyes, as well as poor skin tone. But another angle is maybe something like.. you know how there are all these articles that tell you all the terrible things drinking one can of Coke can do to you? Well, when you are aware that you push things a lot further than that, and have awareness not only of the various reactions in your body, but have a sense of how other people view certain kinds of excess, it can be difficult to shut off these perceptions, especially when past experience has shown that even when you are aware of what something is doing to your health, you can't stop. Even when you know going a little crazy once in a while is not really a big deal, and that the human body recovers amazingly.. but you know that your excesses are really out there, and you still know that you might not be able to stop.. for years.

And you think you want to be fit and thin, and you think you want to be able to keep food in the house such that you have something to offer guests in the event you ever had any.. but through the years you find out that your unconscious has other plans for you..

mini pizza - i make this all the time, even when not on holiday

I had never felt cocky about the situation. I often phrased things with 'if a breakdown occurs' or 'when I lose control again', because based on past experience, I realized it could happen at any time, and that it might happen when I didn't expect it to.

pita breads stuffed with swiss cheese, avocado, tomatoes, rocket

I had thought today might be a binge day, and I was sort of prepared, but then I went out walking for a while, and I thought that maybe it wouldn't have to progress to a binge. The day started fine.. and I had complied an entry which showed a tasty sandwich I had earlier in the day.

For dinner, I thought I'd just have a bagel, drink some wine, and then through the evening snack on a few things - not a major amount. But.. I totally lost it.

toasted poppy seed bagel with tri-colour dip from victoria market

Something I discovered during my first trip to Melbourne in 2006. Three colour dip at the Victoria Markets. It's just basil pesto, marscapone, and maybe a sundried or part-dried tomato pesto, and I could probably make this myself, but I have fond memories of spreading this on toasted bagels.

I bought bagels this time at the markets as well, but in the past, there was this bagel place close to where I was staying, called Glick's.. I don't think it's still there. I can't seem to find it. Bagels haven't really caught on in Brisbane, or I don't really know how to find them in the suburbs.

It's the 13th today. I had decided I didn't have to go out if I didn't want to, but I ended up going out for a short while, to the library to post a new entry, and then to wander a bit. I picked up a MIFF guide at The Forum and a beat. magazine, and what I'll probably do is read them tonight while drinking more of the alcohol I have left.. I found it fun wandering the streets drunk in the afternoon, ah, and yes, I again checked out the toilets in Federation Square and liked how I looked earlier in the day. Hmmm.. not exactly a good control setting - I was drunk both times I visited, but there are definitely times I'm drunk, and I can still tell I don't like how I look in certain lighting. Here in the apartment it's not quite the right lighting for me.. it's not completely terrible, but it's not fantastic for my self-esteem while I'm here.

I do not know what the hell I'm doing, but maybe that is ok for now.

The Forum has a cool ceiling. It's blue, but there's this really strange (lighting) effect. Also, even if you're not seeing a film, I think you can go and get a drink at the café/bar Mandala. Today they were doing speed dating at the time I arrived, and I didn't ask to join, or if there were any spots left. I wasn't really dressed for it. Ha, it didn't even occur to me to worry about being drunk, though.

It's possible that although at present I am excessive, it won't take long to balance out. I've been without certain experiences for a long time, and I don't know where to go first, or what to try first, and I'm afraid I won't have long before it all falls apart, but I do have various tactics to fall back on now, and it could be that with a little time, I could figure out how to cope with it all.

I have crossed over into bingeing.. I have tried half-heartedly to photograph some of my binge food. [Actually, looking at the photos after, they're not so bad.] I probably should have just kept drinking, skipped the iced coffee, only having small snacks through the night with the wine, and I wouldn't have felt too full, I would have gotten nicely drunk, and I would have had a nice feeling of release.

I'm at the stage now 22:14 where I feel extremely sick and uncomfortable, and will need to vomit soon. I also feel a lot of guilt and disgust with myself. And fear..

23:15: a full on binge. I have now purged, and cleaned up, including myself, the bathroom, dishes.

Whenever I've lived alone before, I could never keep food in the house, so I didn't have anything to offer people. I would like to be able to keep alcohol, to offer people a drink, and some foods, but in the past it was never possible. I didn't even have tea or coffee.

Ideally, I would be able to offer people a glass of wine or some vodka. I like the idea of keeping little mini sparklings in the fridge, and while in the apartment, I bought amaretto for the first time - I think that would be nice to have on hand to offer people. And I'd like to be able to whip up a quick snack at a moment's notice..

But what is realistic? If I had my own apartment here in Melbourne, would I ever be able to have guests over to visit? It's a two-pronged problem, or likely much more than that. No one to invite over, nothing to offer them if I did. What's underneath that? Is it really lack of accepting myself? It seems to me it has always been a much more complicated problem than that.

What will the rest of my trip be like? I was 'in control' for so long, and now I'm not. Will I feel continually sort of sick and blah? Will I have even less self-esteem or energy for facing the world? Am I in any condition, or do I have the needed focus to make decisions that affect my future?

->exile on meme st: a diary