I Have Alligator Skin

...In memory I see it from an aerial view; the square green lawns, the rooftops with the same chunk of space between them, the maze of sidewalks, the little human clusters progressing through the maze like disease moving through the body in a science diagram...

Mary Gaitskill, Two Girls, Fat and Thin

The technical term for my alligator skin is ichthyosis. It's actually more like fish scales than allligator skin, but people with ichthyosis have faced many different descriptives. There are a lot of different kinds and degrees of severity of ichthyosis, but usually there is an excessive production of skin cells, and/or difficulty in exfoliation, which results in a dry, scaly appearance.

I am not sure if it was other children who came up with the term 'alligator skin', or if it was my father himself. I know he used the term, but I think he thought it was better for my siblings and me to learn to have a sense of humour about it.

Growing up, most of us are teased to some extent. Some kids were teased more than me. However, I went to a lot of new schools and had to face the process a lot of times, and I don't think I was a kid who got off 'easy'. Two out of my three siblings also have ichthyosis, and they also experienced stress in relation to it.

My history of teasing others was probably confined to my younger sister. Apparently this is a common phenomenon which occurs because the older child becomes jealous of the attention and care which a new baby requires. Also, adults are often commenting on how cute the baby, is, and so the older sibling compensates by tormenting the younger. I feel bad about it now. At the time, my teasing usually consisted of various plays on her first and second names, and later teasing about boyfriends.

A nickname I had at one school that was unrelated to ichthyosis was 'Acne Motors' (there was a business in town called Acme Motors). I have never had nice facial skin. (In photos for my website, I wear full coverage foundation.) However, in comparison to the skin on my body, I thought it was relatively normal, and did not stress about it as much. There were other adolescents with pimples and unclear, imperfect skin, and so it's not like I was the only one. I went through a phase where I washed my face several times a day, until my skin became extremely dry and other students began to comment on the dryness, and then I went back to washing it twice per day.

Starting in Grade 8, I began to steam my face for 10 minutes every night, and I found that this helped not only with a buildup of skin, but also seemed to help my acne. This was a ritual I kept up until around Grade 11. I was embarrassed about the steaming, and was teased by family members somewhat, but I was reluctant to give it up because it did result in an improvement of my facial skin's appearance.

I think I held up reasonably well under all nicknames and bullying.

In one school, I was called Chewbacca. It is possible for me to see in myself simian features, and so I can see why this name was given to me, but the girl who started it had a hairstyle reminiscent of Chewbacca's, and was tall for her age, and while otherwise she looked nothing like him and was actually quite pretty, I wondered if she called me Chewbacca because someone had first called her that. (I did not wonder this out loud.)

In many schools I was chased around the schoolyard by groups of children. Luckily, I had talent as a runner and was given the opportunity to further develop that talent.

I often just smiled when someone insulted me.

At one school, two girls took to following me in a threatening way to and from school, and one day they finally attacked me outright. I fought back, and one ended up with a black eye, and so for a short time I was 'cool'. No one at that school behaved in a threatening way toward me again.

Starting in Grade 8, sexual harassment was an issue. It was a 'normal' part of life that boys would try to grab, slap, pinch, touch my body, often when a teacher's back was turned, and then when the teacher would turn around, it would seem that I was responsible for a disruption - and this caused me to be seen by the teacher as having a 'bad attitude'. In high school, there were fewer attempts at touching, but there was instead much verbal harassment, and overt staring - which could be intimidating.

In my first year of high school, a comment regarding my lack of breasts was printed in the yearbook.

Once I started high school, I don't remember being teased regarding my skin, but I don't think anyone saw the worst parts. Phys Ed was not compulsory, and in Grade 9 I opted not to take it. The anxiety and depression I experienced were probably influenced by the effort of concealment and worry about possible exposure, as well as the practicalities involved with future sexual relationships as I began to experience increasing sexual feelings. I was sexually harassed, and there were some people who were openly antagonistic toward me, but there were also those who liked me, and that tended to balance things out.

There were usually a couple of boys who were attracted to me. I wasn't popular, but I had one best friend in high school, and I was eventually invited to hang out with others. There were a few people I tried to exchange 'hi' with (and brief conversation) eventually, and I think many of these exchanges were positive.

When I think of these incidents, they don't seem to strike me as having as much impact as later events. In spite of all the moves, I think that my parents' approach to upbringing might have resulted in me being as resilient as it was possible for me to be in the circumstances.

I don't think I was as damaged by teasing or bullying as some other students. This may partly have been due to my efforts at concealment (at least in relation to ichthyosis), and to keeping a certain distance between myself and other students when participating in certain activities. Most of the time it was possible to conceal my skin.

I admit I'm not sure. Maybe all of this affected me in ways I haven't been able to consciously perceive.