about honesty in relationships. a kind of honesty. my mind is complicated, and i have trouble sorting through all of the information. it actually helps me to know that another person has a similar struggle. it helps me to know that the other person has complicated thoughts, even if those pertain to me. thoughts that are 'unflattering' to me. i know that most people find too much disclosure claustrophobic.. they can't breathe, or they lose interest when there's not enough mystery. i seem to need this disclosure in order to feel a kind of security. i live in a very insecure state. i can't count on anything.

the best solution i have come up with is to try to know the people i'm with as well as possible, and if they can't or won't talk much about themselves, i show them what i want by telling them as much as i can about myself. if i get to know people well, does it mean i will have more control, or that i will be able to predict what will happen? maybe i'm hoping it will, but i seem to *need* to try to know people in this way because i want to see if there's some way of looking at things other than that we are all just pieces of patterns in our interactions with each other. relationships have often left me with a sense of unreality, a sense that everyone is acting out scripted lines and actions without having any awareness. one of my ways of trying to get beyond this is to try to communicate the things that most people repress, and see where it goes. i don't know if that's the answer, but i don't know what else to do. i want to ask questions, and talk about the things that no one wants to talk about. it takes me closer to feeling that there is at least a possibility that who i am as a whole might be accepted in the ways that i try to be accepting of others. it makes me feel that i'm questioning the 'natural' inclination to cover up anything unpleasant and think it is wrong and that somehow parts of me and others are wrong and bad, etc. this is one of the ways in which i seek to relate to people and to understand them.

i understand that most people don't want or don't know how to be open in these ways, even if part of them wants to be. what i have been aiming at is the creation of relationships that are different from those i saw during my development, and throughout most of my life. i wanted to create something different for myself, a way of seeing how deep into understanding my motivations and behaviours, and those of others, i could go. there are so many little activities and thought processes each day that most people never think to examine. behaviours and thought patterns that are leading to certain future events, or just part of how we cope. or both.

it's extremely difficult for me if i know i've disappointed someone in some serious way but can't get them to talk about it with me, especially if up until that point we'd been fairly close, or were trying to get closer. it's difficult if i realize that communication has become unwelcome, that questions aren't wanted. if i realize i need to back off, but that what this probably means is that all attempts at closeness will be forever forgotten about - because something about the relationship has passed the point of no return, but there will be no verbalization of this.. i realize that i may never get to know in which specific ways i have disappointed a person. i try to accept this, that i won't ever know for sure, probably partly because the person thinks i can't handle it or understand (maybe this is a valid perception), partly because the person may not know for sure how to articulate it, or because the person feels anger because i have disappointed him/her so badly. have i ever experienced that kind of anger, even when i know that the other person can't help who they are? yes, and i think i have acted immaturely in response. what i can't help, even if i've been initially immature, is remaining open to communication until a person feels their questions have been answered. i will explain what is going on with me, and will very definitely answer any and all questions to the best of my ability, especially if i can see that that person is in a tortured state. no matter how difficult it is for me.

when it comes to what i do in relationships.. i can only go so far on my own. without feedback, i think i get stuck. i think what i try to do when i don't know what to do is to trace my development and explain my thoughts, reactions, prejudices, preferences, etc, as fully as i can, considering my personal experiences, and factoring in social, religious, psychology-related, and philosophical points of view, etc. at least i *start* trying to do this. my theory is that i could sort of build a kind of relationship with a person in which i could feel a sense of security. i could feel that i've laid the groundwork so that i could explain *further* about various ways i have of thinking and behaving. maybe i go about it all poorly. probably my communication is annoying. it's just that there's so much information to organize, so many layers. i wasn't born wise and cool, and i doubt i will ever be either of those things. it took me a long time to be able to act even once i had started to question the rules and whatnot that i learned and seemed to blindly accept. what happens is that i usually get stuck glossing over the surface again and again without going into things, partly due to a kind of insecurity related to the realization that the other person just isn't interested (this seems understandable to me), or possibly because the other person doesn't seem to have patience with my style or with some of the attitudes it may seem i hold in the first layers. the other thing is that while a person might be somewhat interested, they probably won't give me feedback, or won't know how to, or will do the normal human thing and save it for some undisclosed time in the future that will never come. so, things just usually stop. i accept this, and realize that we probably have incompatible needs and ways of communicating.

i usually spit out some information as a starting point, knowing it's horribly imperfect and incomplete, but knowing i need to start somewhere and that with my own personal way of communicating i can't seem to do it succinctly or very well. it's only with feedback that i can be inspired to move to new levels. or, if i have lots of time to write and write and write on my own, not to anyone, i can slowly clear up various things. i can't give the whole picture in one layer, but when i do start trying to explain there's just so much of it, it's so repetitive, and it's not like anyone would ever want to read it. i understand that.. and i guess most of the time i prefer the idea that i will just click with people and suddenly there will be no need for all of this.

my attempt to be as realistic as possible when communication doesn't just click is what i've just written about. i can't seem to see any other way i can attempt to get comfortable with people. i can understand that it's not the sort of thing many people want, and in most cases i make an educated guess that people are not willing to have this sort of thing inflicted on them even if they seem to like me. i accept things. i don't feel i have much of a choice about how i can get comfortable. unless things change, or somehow i have a relationship that gets me to think in new ways. otherwise, a relationship will just feel like it's based on nothing that is real, because i am in a needy state that can't be covered up. so rather than stuff all that into some dark obscure corner and just secretly wallow and hope that someone will magically understand, when i do try to have a relationship with someone, i don't wait long, i start trying to do something 'constructive', and if i think that a person would not be interested, or would not have enough energy to cope with it, i think it's best that i don't begin a relationship or invest much in one. of course sometimes things sneak up on me, and a relationship develops for a time, and i will question the need for this tedium. but i will inevitably start moving it in this direction, and this *may* speed the relationship's demise. in the past it was sometimes possible for things to continue on for a time without me trying to explain myself in detail, but at present i think i'm at a stage where i probably can't have relationships at all without this. i'm actually at a stage where i'm not sure i will have any new relationships again, and i'm not sure i really mind that. i really don't know how to articulate it. most people just can't relate to not having interests to talk about. all i seem to have is my own confusion, and i can understand that that wouldn't seem very appealing to very many people, if anybody. i don't think of my confusion as a favourite topic. i'd really rather forget about it if i could. it's not just that i have no interests, it's that i don't think i have any ideas that are solid to hold onto. it makes discussion difficult. it's like the rules always change for me, perspective always changes, and i don't know how to communicate with people who don't experience this kind of insecurity or instability. or if i do have contact with someone who does, our patterns or ways of communicating are incompatible, we're in different phases, we're not in sync. when communicating with people, it often seems to me that they're starting with premises that i don't share, things they take for granted, and it's like every little thing becomes so difficult to explain. i feel overwhelmed by this, not knowing where to start or how to organize any sort of response.

i suppose that some people would argue that a lot of what i'm talking about is best dumped on a shrink.. ok, i can see that, but aside from the fact that it's unlikely i have the resources to get to a pdoc, i actually think that what i need is someone to care about all this shit that is part of me, that is part of who i am. a pdoc won't cut it. so, i realize that what i think i need is most likely unrealistic, as unrealistic as hoping that communication will just magically click. but on the other hand, it seems to me that i am somewhat rationally aware of what kind of attention i might need, even if it's unrealistic that i can get it. and of course, every step of the way, i need so much reassurance in order to continue. i do realize it's a lot to ask, and it's not even what i think i want anyway.. but if i were to try to be reasonable about life, this is about as far as i can bend, and in my two longterm relationships this is what i've done as well as i could. but it seems to be ongoing, neverending, and i don't see how another person could ever cope with that kind of thing indefinitely. and even with the incredible patience, compassion and support of these two particular people (not to mention the others who have put up with even small amounts of my confusion), i still haven't been able to get past a certain level of communication. it's partly because i'm probably not intelligent enough to organize the information efficiently, it's partly because i'm seriously depressed and don't have enough energy, it's partly because no one else's life experiences and thought processes match up to mine well enough, and it's probably partly because who i am is someone who will always be fighting some kind of complicated internal war.

i don't think of myself as smarter than anyone else. i think some people are more intelligent than me in certain ways, and that i am more intelligent in others. some people are probably more intelligent than me in every conceivable way. etc. there are so many kinds of intelligence. i have no idea how it would be possible to objectively measure things. iq tests are so limited, and so are any other tests i have heard about or could imagine. i think it's a complex issue. if i'm more intelligent than anyone at all, it's only by a hair, and it's really not significant, considering how intelligent i can imagine it is possible to be. hmm. actually, i'm probably not intelligent enough to adequately imagine that. but when i use the word 'intelligent', i'm not specifically referring to the kinds of intelligence that seem to be most valued by the world. i can see how it would be possible to be much more intelligent even when it comes to the kinds of intelligence i'm personally more predisposed to value.

it's not really intelligence in itself that i value. i've been attracted to people before in part because of their obvious intelligence in a worldly sense. what i have discovered is that what i needed to work out was my attachment to certain hidden beliefs, beliefs relating to what kinds of intelligence are 'important'. i have a kind of intelligence that is difficult to pinpoint and explain. at one time it was important to me to be considered 'intelligent', and i think in part i sought out others who seemed intelligent in ways that were easy to pinpoint, in the hopes of perhaps clarifying my own intelligence. at this point, i just want to know who i am, and express myself as well as i can. is it a crime if i'm not really all that smart? i mean, can i help it? and should someone be admired just because they 'won the lottery' (were born intelligent, creative, beautiful, etc.) i mean, should we think only those who won the genetic lottery have value? (ok, i know it's human to admire examples of exceptional abilities, and that those who are exceptional inspire others.) even if the kind of intelligence you value relates to a person understanding humans and the mechanisms which underlie life, and possessing a kind of acceptingness of it all, well, where does that kind of intelligence come from? surely it doesn't come from any more 'important' a source than any other kind of intelligence, and no one really has any control over the kind of intelligence they get stuck with anyway? surely it is developed because of your genes and surroundings and experiences? and why are those things necessarily the best? it's all just part of the whole. we have silly prejudices about so much. i can admire the various talents and kinds of intelligence that people have without believing that mine are any more special or important, or less important, while accepting that i probably can't change my prejudices.

i don't think any person is more valid than any other person. there are some i can't help being drawn to more than others, but i can't honestly believe that it is more important to be a genius than it is to be a regular person. i can't honestly believe that someone physically beautiful has more of a right to live and enjoy life than someone less beautiful. but a lot of the ideas i seem to apply to myself disagree with this. the way i live and behave seems to disagree with this. i mean, i seem to feel that i don't deserve to enjoy life or be loved as i am. but it's not just that, it's that i don't *want* to enjoy life or be loved as i am, so i'm wondering if somehow i'm not aware of what my beliefs really are. if all of a sudden now, this minute, i would somehow be told or made aware that i am beautiful right now, or that who i am right now is desirable, perfect, etc, i just don't think i'd be ready. i don't think i could accept it. i'd want to hide from it. i would be scared and distrustful. but maybe in a way it's what i *do* want. that i want *all* of who i am to be accepted, and i want someone to be able to see what else i am capable of. when we want others to see who we are, is it that we want them to recognize our potential? maybe we want them to somehow show us more clearly what that potential is? if all i am is within me at every given moment, then theoretically if i were to come in contact with a kindred that person would be able to really see me. most of the time, i don't feel ready for this to happen. i don't want it to happen at any time. most of the time, there's this feeling of shame, i think, about how i come across from moment to moment, and this burning need to try to do something about myself.

when it comes to my appearance, i suppose that many people could be afraid to mention anything they don't like, considering my obsession with my appearance and all my insecurities. i find this understandable. however, i think i need people to be brave enough to say what they really think regardless. i think i need them to understand that part of what i'm asking for when i go on about my insecurities is a confirmation that my perceptions aren't unrealistic and that i actually see myself as i am or that some or all of what i find difficult to deal with in my appearance is there. i want to know to what degree it affects those i'm with, or if others may have different preferences or see me differently somehow.. possibly because they can factor in my personality, mannerisms and whatnot and movements, and see something that i can't. i want to know if the way someone sees me is just related to habit.. the sort of thing that happens when you find yourself together with a person and you get used to each other and then look at each other without really seeing each other.

i think part of what i'm trying to discover is if there is anything more to relationships than a collection of predictable things. under what circumstances do people choose mates or friends (or become attracted to people) that don't seem to 'match' them under regular preprogrammed criteria? are these relationships significant? do they last? we're all so passive. we seem so swayed by beauty and types of accomplishment and intelligence that are measurable or conventionally respected, but we usually end up on a certain level in our lives to correspond with our particular attributes. we seek the 'highest' within our own sphere or level.

i can see that people come together for a variety of reasons. i think these reasons are complex, multi-layered, but these reasons are disappointing to me. i want to know if there's anything *more*. or i want to know if the kind of relationship i can vaguely imagine actually exists. but what exactly could it be? what are we if we are not our appearance and our accomplishments in life? where do our thoughts come from? if it's all genetic and environmental, and if we don't really like the environment or genes we came from, can we like ourselves? what makes us not like these things? pressure from the the superior genes out there? the stress of the competition with all the other genes out there?

the best i can do is to be open with a person. if as we get to know each other i'm realizing that i'm not comfortable any more, or that i don't want to try to go further, i will tell the person. i will explain in as great detail as the other person wants or needs, no matter how difficult it is for me to do so, because this is what i'd like the other person to do for me. when it's concrete, or closer to concrete, it narrows the chaos down, and i can deal with it all in my own way.

if a person is turned off by certain habits of mine, some part of my appearance or all of my appearance, ways of thinking, ways of expressing myself, etc.. if i know what the problem is, i think i'm more likely to be able to deal with it. maybe it's even something i don't like about myself, but know i can't change. if this is the case, maybe there is some way to come to some kind of understanding, to accept what can't be changed and focus on the things that we actually like. maybe it will just clarify things for me.. when i find out what the other person values, i may realize that i don't value the same things, that i'm not focused the same way, and that i don't want the same things, and that it's better to know this, and it's something of a relief. it makes it easier not to hold on to any illusions. it helps me to see how i appear to others, or at least to one other. i know that i don't necessarily appear this way to everyone. also, there may be some way of examining whatever is 'wrong', and seeing if there's any other way of looking at it, if more information will make things more understandable or easier to deal with, and if communication can continue. if it is possible that we both can find some new way of looking at a particular issue.

my approach to dealing with things is different considering the personality of the person involved. if a person finds the types of things i talk about trivial, i know that part of the problem is that with some people i get stuck in circles and don't know how to branch out into other areas. it may also be that i just don't have the knowledge, interest or intelligence to discuss the particular things that a particular person is interested in. none of this seems to me to be a reason to feel bad about myself. i don't have any problem accepting that i just can't offer the person what they're looking for. that's not to say that i don't suffer feelings of rejection and that i don't start to doubt myself, etc.. it's just that i think i can handle hearing these things. i'd like to at least be given the chance to see what i can handle. it's when someone won't be honest in the ways that i am prepared to be that i end up feeling worse about myself. i have a better chance of dealing with feelings of insecurity when someone cares about me enough to explain. it narrows down the chaos, gives me some validation regarding my perceptions, and i understand and relate to the effort it took to tell me something unpleasant.. i have been doing that sort of thing for years in my struggle to be fair to those i've known, and to understand who i am and who others are, in a way that most people don't seem to want to understand themselves and others.

sometimes i wish there was some way i could have a variety of friendships. when people approach me, i see what is good in them, and i can start imagining ways in which it would be possible to interact. the problem is that who i am is uncontrollable. i feel stress, i feel scared, i can't see concrete things to base a relationship on, because of not having real interests, how undependable i am, feeling overwhelmed by the idea of adjusting to a new person's preferences, premises and thought patterns, and it usually seems easier to end things before they begin. i feel like i'm living in a burning building. in this state, i can't see how to have a relationship with anyone. i usually decide early on that a person will not want to get to know me in the ways i seem to need and so i break away. if i feel sexual attraction, what sometimes happens is that all of the stress i feel is transformed into a kind of pleasurable stress. it's still stress, and it's only a matter of time before i run out of energy for dealing with it, but that seems to be the way i'm wired, and the way my experiences have prepared me. i don't think of it as the other person's fault that we can't connect. it's like i can't help seeing the person's value, and the validity of their experiences, and questioning my own. if we can't be friends, i don't usually think of it as anything they're lacking, i think of it as something *i'm* lacking, or as just a basic incompatibility of interests, wants, values, thought patterns, etc.. i can usually see something in a person that seems interesting, and if i had the kind of life and personality i used to imagine was really me, then there would be space in that life for all kinds of relationships. i guess in order to feel comfortable with people, i need to go through a weird process that i don't know how to predict for sure. sometimes, things will go ok for a while. i go with it when i can. hmm. not sure about all i've just written. i think often that what i feel is that my experiences and my reactions to these experiences have been so different from anything i've encountered in anyone else that i just can't relate enough to anyone else to get comfortable. it could be that if i ever came across someone who was like me that we wouldn't be able to connect because we'd both be too self-centred and self-conscious to be able to deal with someone too similar.

i think it's possible that there are ways of giving potentially unpleasant information that aren't as hurtful. there may be ways to find common ground for a relationship in spite of whatever the problem is. i'm willing to discuss my inconsistencies, and my hypocrisies, apparent and actual. if what i can't see about myself makes it impossible for others to communicate with me as fully as i wish, i can understand if they decide to keep their distance, but i can never be content with a relationship like this. if i can't communicate freely, and get to some kind of level of understanding with a person that is acceptable to both of us, i will want it to end. it could very well be that what i think i want is impossible because of things about myself that i can't see or because the other person just cannot like me, no matter how i express myself. i can accept it if this is how someone feels. anyway, i tend to remember what was good in a relationship, and i think i usually learn something about myself from each relationship. maybe i will eventually get closer to seeing myself more clearly.

when i talk about my life, it seems like i'm trying to find reasons for things, and i think when i write things out the sloppy way i do it doesn't really give an accurate idea about how i see things. i know that when people take less care with their writing they can sometimes expose important things about themselves (i'm trying to allow myself to do that in my diary), and i'm sure that's true in my case, but i also think that there's a lot to my thinking that i've never managed to get across. considering the reactions i've had from others, i feel pretty sure that i am not communicating clearly enough, or else that no one really relates much to me. at least not for long.

i try to think about things in terms that are not cause and effect. it's very difficult, and even more difficult for me to articulate. it's much easier for me to stay in the cause and effect mode when writing. sometimes i think that there is something programmed within me (genetic) that leads me to seek out certain experiences and to interpret them in certain ways to achieve the intended effect. at times it really does seem that there is some kind of simple but usually overlooked correlation between events/facts in a person's life and their subsequent behaviour, and i like to examine this. i think that it's possible that our appearance/features, our mannerisms, our clothing choices, etc, all convey a lot more information than we think, and that as we interact with the outside world, even in very small amounts, we receive in return information from others about them and ourselves. this contributes to what we experience in life. but i don't think any of this is the whole story.

i think that people may relate to some parts of me, but probably not to me as a whole. i think that from a distance, some people may see me as somewhat interesting but also as a difficult personality to cope with. it seems unrealistic to me that i could find what i need in life. i think that i have come up with solutions that will make it more realistic that i could get something i want out of life for a time, but that with my patterns and personality, life is not something i could ever feel good in for long.

i've often tried to reassure people who are insecure in ways that i can recognize. i see parts of myself in so many people. possibly i've done this because i would like this kind of reassurance myself, but possibly what i'm saying is that on some level i accept myself, and understand, and that i have a kind of longing that others could do the same, and make it ok for me to more consciously accept myself. i would like everyone to be more accepting and supportive of differences. and part of it is compassion. wanting to relieve the insecurities/stress of others, if i can, because when i recognize insecurity or pain that i have felt, i feel an urge to try to do something about it. i realize now that i'm not strong enough to help anyone, and maybe i never was.

i think i have a somewhat realistic idea of how i come across to others in real life, and where i fit in in relation to the rest of the world. i'm not sure that i could ever cope with this in such a way that i could function regularly in the world, but i think i understand and accept well enough that i can find ways of adapting that are the most realistic for me. at least for a time. i know i've tried very hard in a lot of ways to express myself. i've tried to be understanding of others. i have done the best i can, and i think it's possible that if i were to view myself from the outside i might see that i really did try as hard as i could. given what i had to work with, myself, i don't know what else i could have done.

when i express anything, usually at a certain point i feel i've done all i can at the present moment. if people don't understand what i'm trying to say, i think possibly i haven't been clear enough, possibly they haven't had the life experiences that would help them to understand what i'm saying, or possibly what i express is trivial, boring or irrational, or something along those lines. maybe it's all of those things. even if people are 'right' in a sense, i can only be who i am.

i think i need to put more effort into describing the conventional patterns in normal relationships and what it is that i might have been seeking that's different. maybe i'll do it some other time.

i think my way of focusing on all my history and motivations and whatnot stands for something.. a search for something. it's like i want to brush everything aside and immediately get to what's important. i want to immediately get to the core of who i am and to the core of who i'm with. i want it to be visible, and understood. when that doesn't happen instantly, i go about things methodically. well, in my own sloppy, disorganized way. but what is the core of me? i thought it resided in a certain raw, passionate feeling that grew to extreme proportions in my unnaturally isolated state, that it was tied up with the way i understood life and people but couldn't express it, the enormous energy and effort all turned against myself, that it all could have been used for so much more, but i was awakened to the idea that more is not really important, and all of it was only a preparation leading to throwing myself in the fire, and by doing so, somehow all i'd understood but couldn't articulate would be understood.. but i really don't know how to articulate it. it is like a bomb ready to go off, i'm just waiting for the right catalyst, and all that is unimportant would be swept aside in an an instant. i don't think this is original. but what the hell is it about? and i think over the years i've been finding out where that idea about myself came from. and i think that partly what it may have come from is the idea that i was special in some way, without having anything really concrete to base that on, even if i don't accept that 'special' relates to having talents and abilities that people know how to admire, talents and abilities that add something to human life in some way. it was based on the egocentric ideas of youth, combined with the physical strength and health of youth, which in large part is about showing off to attract a mate and reproduce. why would i think there was anything unique about me? i'm one of the countless shades that make up the background. it is difficult for me to admit, but part of me can't help wondering if maybe i'm something different, something no one has ever seen yet, and that as i express myself better it will become clearer. heh. it seems to me likely that this is based on egocentric thinking that i haven't been able to totally eradicate.

so what is the something important that i want to get to? is it related to understanding? to all the thoughts i've ever had about everything? should i be making an attempt now to clarify these thoughts and discuss them so that i have a better chance of being aware or of attracting what i want? have i already been doing this all my life? in relationships, at a certain point, you stop fighting, and you accept. you communicate as well as you can, and then you realize that you are still waiting for something, although you don't feel inclined to move out of the relationship you're in. although you feel genuine affection for the person you're with, you're waiting for someone or something else, and so is the person you're with. but you don't discuss it. and time goes on. do some people know what it's like not to feel this? do some people feel they are home? i've usually made efforts to break up my relationships, because i know this is how i feel. i say that this is how i feel. some relationships seem to stick anyway. and maybe it's because the life situations match up in some way that both get something out of staying together, something each needs. something that we usually dismiss as not as important as 'true love', whatever that is, but maybe in a sense it has more to do with real life, and the rest is about some vague inspiration or secret hope that makes life more livable, but is based on illusions we hold about ourselves.

all the ways that people try to be cool.. to not really say what they really like, and in some cases what they really like is hidden from their consciousness because feelings of shame and self-consciousness run so deep, but to express themselves in ways that are 'acceptable' to the highest number of people, or to a select group of people, or even to one person in particular. i've fought this sort of thing for a very long time. it's hard. how well do i succeed? so much of what i express makes me cringe. and i hate my awkwardness. i hate so much of my phrasing and repetitiveness. yet i know i still feel outside influences. it's very difficult, but i keep trying to find out what i am and what it is that i like and want, and to not be afraid to express those things.

it's like i'm trying to find out if there is any such thing as 'love' that holds up under all conditions for me, or if that only occurs for certain types of personalities, is a genetic thing some people are predisposed for. 'love' is given to whoever is closest at the time. attention is diverted by so many different things. it's like almost anyone could do, as long as a few particulars are ok, and the rest seems to be a kind of adjusting process that occurs to help people to stay together. while you wait for the other vague undefined thing you think represents who you really are. so is what i'm trying to find out if there is some way there is only one person for me, and that no matter what i do, i will somehow gravitate to that person or attract that person eventually or continue to stay with that person? or do i think it's really just about patterns, and finding someone you match up with enough to keep life running the way it is preprogrammed to?

at present, i find it hard to see what kind of life i could possibly fit into, other than the one i'm in. i know that i'm now even less prepared than ever to settle for stress that i don't want. i find it hard to see myself attracting anyone, except on a very momentary basis, and if i did attract anyone, i think that would be related to the person not having adequate information about me. i don't see any reason not to stay with gk until i die, except that i think i may wish to live alone for a while. i don't want to start another relationship while i live with gk, although i find myself hoping that he will have another relationship. i think that no matter how i've gone on about things, it is probably possible that others could still find me at least somewhat attractive. but i find it hard to imagine myself being in any sort of situation where anyone is likely to approach me to let me know they find me attractive, and as i said before, if anyone found me attractive, i think that learning more about me would put an end to that. i'm not even likely to be the target of mild flirting. which sucks in a way, because i think it might give me some energy to receive some attention. but is any of this important? not really. but what is it that i think i really am? am i clinging to some outdated idea that i have something unique and passionate to share with someone? it doesn't seem likely to me that what i have to share is any more unusual than what anyone else has to share, although it's not exactly the same as what anyone else has to share, and maybe what i do have to share is what i share with gk, and what i've shared with others. just my experiences and thoughts and the effects the combination of those has had on me, and whatever creativity results from all of that. is that acceptable to me? is it important to me to find someone who seems unique to me in the way i feel i am unique? do i really care about any of this at all any more? it could be that it is all outdated, and that my ideas about life and what i thought i wanted from it are changing. i guess we all to some extent start out with this feeling that we have a special destiny, and we have energy, and then life happens to us and we go as far as we can, and some get farther than others toward what we were vaguely or not so vaguely aiming at.

i would have thought i was not that way, that my preferences weren't so prejudiced, but how open am i to all sorts of things? i've had a lot of partners, and they've all been different from each other, and many have been exceptional in their own way, imo, but there really hasn't been that great a range when i think about all the different people who are out there. and when i look at the most lasting relationships, and those that had the biggest impact, certain patterns appear as well. my choices seem somewhat original, but knowing my personal details, they make sense. i got better at understanding why i'm attracted to someone on various levels. i think i have always picked out the *most* suitable person in whatever environment i'm in, and focused on that person, even if that person wasn't what i thought i was looking for. but why am i in a particular environment in the first place? because i had more in common with the others in that environment than i realized, and in order to get out of that environment there were certain thoughts i needed to act on.

most people will instinctively steer clear of people with a psychiatric history, a jail record, certain physical traits. i'm not a real person to the world. i'm instinctively avoided. as i've gotten older, fewer people have made an effort to communicate with me. i'm becoming less and less relevant to anyone. living as isolated as i have, without developing interests or life ties, makes me less relevant.

what is it that is difficult for me in relationships, what's missing? and i think that a big part of the problem is my powerlessness. i feel powerless in life. i feel dependent. it's beyond excruciating how this has been for me. first, i was dependent on someone i couldn't stand being dependent on (my father) and couldn't seem to get free even though it was humiliating, shameful to me to be in that situation, and after that, it was the dependence itself that was the main focus. so, if being in a relationship doesn't help me to feel less powerless or dependent, i think i think of it as missing something. this is one aspect of the whole. i think what i usually do is pine for someone to be so obsessed with me that i preoccupy their every waking thought, and that i have some influence that seems to extend even beyond that. maybe that's the only way i can see myself as having power, in a sense. but i always want it to be reciprocal. i think my relationships have been missing something because i felt there was something i had to express so that it seemed to me that who i was with was really seeing *me*. i don't seem to accept this dependence, but beyond that, it feels like so much of who i am is repressed. but i do express myself. why doesn't it feel like i'm seen? and maybe it is about the dependence issue in part. i don't want to be seen as dependent. maybe i can't accept who i am. maybe it's because there's still more i need to express before i will want to be seen and can accept being seen. or maybe i'm like artists who chase one muse after another and no person will ever feel 'right', and there's only the thrill of the chase until the thrill is gone. only i have no art. i can only find parts of myself in others. i've sought others who might be able to 'see' these various parts of me. am i more than the sum of my parts?

maybe those who 'click' do so because they are more perfect genetic specimens, or good genetic 'matches' and it's like a reward or a signal and it encourages them to breed or to produce or create *something* together (this may just be scintillating conversation). with me, it always seems realistic to assume that someone more perfect than me could come along at any time, because i don't seem to offer anything that humans value. there is a lot about my present relationship i really like, though. when i think some elusive thing has not been communicated, maybe it actually has, only i haven't yet learned to understand gk well enough to realize it. i don't know. i can't see myself living a reasonable life for long. i think at some point i will need to take off and see some of the world. but maybe i will have a home, a family to come back to. i don't know. i don't really know what i will do.

am i anything at all if i don't do or accomplish anything, and if i'm not beautiful? but what could it be, what could it be based on, and where does it come from? is it any more than the collection of thoughts which have accumulated because of genes and experiences? if i do not speak, if i do nothing to my appearance, if i isolate myself so that i have contact with no one, who am i? is there still some quality that represents who i am? is there a stable core within whatever the outward circumstance is, or is the outward circumstance determined by who i am? i think when i experimented with sensory deprivation, all of this was part of what i was trying to discover. i wanted to know who i was, and if without distractions i would come face to face with it. and it just seems to me that it's led to more and more, that i am only being revealed to myself in very small steps, and that as i go it's really looking like i'm not all that different from anyone else, although no one really is. (ok, this whole idea is very fuzzy, but this is my starting place.)

it could be that if i could watch myself from the outside i would be aware of my lack of perfection by normal standards, but that i'd be able to see some unique qualities about myself, and would not feel as bad. or maybe i'd feel certain that i did not want to live. maybe it's because i can't see myself and must rely on others. i do not see people the way others seem to. maybe throughout my life i've been with people who do not see people the way i do.

i see so much of myself in others. i haven't explained this well enough. i look for the potential in each person. i can't dismiss people. i can't have real loyalities. each person seems as close and as far as a family. i look for the unique qualities in people. i'm partly comparing myself, but i'm also seeing that everyone has things they can do that i can't. i don't dismiss the things they like, say, can do, create, want, etc, as moronic or ridiculous or boring or whatever. i have this curiosity about it. it's sort of vague, unformed, but it relates to how my prejudices, behaviours and thoughts were formed, developed, and through projection i apply this process to the others i see, and relate to them in this way. i make guesses about the different twists and turns that occurred in their development that make it more likely that they can interact with certain people, but that make it difficult for me to interact with them because of my particular twists and turns. it's a curiosity from a distance, and often there are various emotions attached to the curiosity. i feel different, different enough that i can't see how to ever have relationships with most people, but i can also see little similarities, and feel emotions that maybe correspond to what they've felt, but filtered through our different experiences and minds, it's come out somewhat different.

i'd prefer not to be writing, but there was all of this that sort of forced its way out. it's nothing i haven't said before, but i couldn't seem to ignore the urge to write. as for what's happening here.. my hair is still falling out, but i didn't expect that to stop immediately. there is still no noticeable change in the appearance of my hair (it doesn't look thinner and i don't have bald patches, etc). i have a bit more energy, and am back to a daily routine that includes exercise and reading. i am eating well, with no b/p behaviour. i don't know if there's anything that i really *want* to read, but it seems at present (similar to recent months before my 'breakdown') that i'm able to read for some reason, and it seems to help pass the day and keep me occupied when i'm not working on my body. it probably diverts my mind from thoughts of futility, so that i at least have some chance of doing what i think i want to do. i will just go with it while i can. i don't know for sure where anything is leading, if anywhere, but things are good right now. what i mean by that last statement is more complicated than it might seem, but i will leave it.

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