27/05/03
whine. i'm feeling sorry for myself. misunderstood. misunderstood by the world, not really misunderstood by gk. considering what i give him to work with, and considering his life and experiences, i'm actually quite amazed or grateful he understands as well as he does. i suppose that could be applied to the rest of the world as well, although i don't feel grateful about it, just hopeless. it's just that i'm greedy for *more*. i don't have the energy to explain what i mean. i feel like i'm in a tortured, starving, exhausted state, in spite of all the love and attention that is heaped upon me day after day, and maybe the guilt i feel makes it all feel like i'm having the shit kicked out of me and i can't move, i can't do anything except lie here shivering taking kicks that aren't even aimed at me, that aren't even kicks. who cares about making sense. it's overrated.
why is it important that people not have mistaken impressions about what i think? who the fuck cares? i just hate the way i come across. i could probably try for years to try to clear things up, but i will just never have the ability. i know if i put in actual effort, i'm screwed. i'll run out of energy, i'll collapse, i'll give up. the stress will eat me alive. if i just put in effort when it comes naturally, and by that i mean when i'm forced into it because myself tortures me into it, i have no control, not really. i can express little bits, but it's never enough.
i haven't had coffee in a couple of days. i don't really know what to do except try again to start working on/toward realizing my various creative ideas. i'm so depleted, starved, i'm so wracked with pain i feel incapacitated, but hey, i can get up and dance. why not. there is nothing else i can see, and i'm not sure i even have a choice.