26/04/03
for so long i wanted a name. i didn't like the one i had been given - it made me cringe to hear it or use it. but nothing else ever seemed to fit. even xesce was awkward at first. i will admit that i like it a lot now, and that i probably rely on it to provide me with a kind of stability that i don't have in any other area of my life. for me, daring to act on inspiration was partly about curiosity to see where it would lead. but my name is also something that proclaims my emptiness and lack of connection to life while protecting me. it's like clothing that reveals my nakedness only to those who know how to see.
i will also admit that i feel somewhat pleased about the originality of it. i imagine there are those out there with the name 'zess', but it gives me something of a rush to see what comes up when 'xesce' is typed into a search engine.
but any stability is an illusion. and i could let the name go. i've thrown away everything so many times. all i've worked on, all i've created. and the image others had of me. if i did it again, i think what would happen is that i would adapt to my new environment and situation in the ways i've adapted to everything else, and my changing-over-time abilities would be factored in to see what would come up this time. and i think eventually i'd begin to try to express myself. with whatever materials, even if imaginary, presented themselves. i might seek a new name, a concept to represent the changes, or the stability within change, if there is such a thing for me. and maybe i'd search and grasp for something to identify with, but maybe like in the past, i'd be unable to find anything i identified with *enough* to choose it as a name, or to even try to use a modified form of it. even nyms would drop away before long, because if i didn't identify enough, i wouldn't be able to bear one for long. and so i'd want to start from scratch, with a blank slate on which i can write something new (although nothing is really new), or not. and know that it doesn't really matter either way. i'd wait to see what facet i would focus on next, and i'd probably relate it to the rest, and there'd be a new translation, and the same old stuff would come up in different clothes. i guess i can't disguise the lack of life in me.
when i see nyms with numbers after them, i sometimes can't seem to help having an initial nasty response: "THANK YOU, DRIVE THRU PLEASE!" but i think that's just been related to jealousy the few times it's occurred, and most of the time i see that there's some concept/sentiment that's important enough to a person that they want to find others who respond to that particular concept, or who can accept them. it's a life tie. and i like drive thru anyway. and also, at different times in life, it seems to feel necessary to try to express certain parts of yourself. i know what it's like not to be able to get past a certain point until i've immersed myself as fully as i can in a particular part of myself. and i don't think that what i am now is at a 'higher' level. time and progress are illusions, and i could try anything on at any time. i don't feel i have much control.
without names or nyms, there is still some essence that is us, but i think this is an area in which i can have some control over the perceptions others hold regarding me. another illusion. i suppose that this is just an area that i have the energy to make use of. i don't speak well, i'm not quick, and a name can hopefully say something while i try to catch up. a name can potentially represent what i want that is different from what others want (although maybe i'm fooling myself and that's an illusion, too) and who i am. there are other ways. i reach for those, too.
you say i took the name in vain
-i don't even know the name-
and if i did, well really,
what's it to ya?
there's a blaze of light in every word
it doesn't matter what you heard
the holy, or the broken
hallelujah
-hallelujah, leonard cohen
my god is my fucking want.
your soul is my desire.
walk alone, naked to the bone.
-my dying bride
well maybe there's a god above
but all i ever learned from love
was how to shoot at someone
who outdrew you
and it's not complaint you'll hear tonight
it's not some pilgrim who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken
hallelujah