25/03/03
i have only had 3 binge/vomit sessions since i went shopping the other day. i have been getting severe headaches, and have been taking a lot of paracetamol. i've been up all night again. it's after 8:30 am currently. i am trying to stay up all day so that i will be able to sleep at a normal time when gk returns. he should be home tonight. i'm starting to get sleepy, though, and might not be able to stay up.
i had a strong cup of coffee, but i still felt like i needed to sleep, so it's later now. gk will be home fairly soon. he will be tired and will probably need to sleep soon after he arrives. i will probably be up all night. i probably won't know what to do with myself.
last night as i was vomiting, i found myself mumbling words into the toilet. 'nobody loves me.' jeezus, why am i so banal? anyway, i told myself to just fucking finish vomiting, do not sit here for half an hour with vomit dripping everywhere while you analyze why these words in particular are coming out seemingly beyond your control. so i finished vomiting. if i don't vomit today, i feel certain i will tomorrow. i want it to stop. i was fighting it for a while, and i put in an honest effort, and now i'm drained and i'm just being pulled under. i'm not sure where things will go from here.
i know that gk 'loves' me. it's just that it takes so much endurance to love me, i know that no one can continue to love me.