23/03/03 - continued
i don't think i can go to the store. i started to feel a bit sleepy after i wrote the last entry, so i thought i might as well try to sleep if i can. i couldn't sleep, so i had a shower, and i've been trying to work up the courage to go, but i don't feel like i can do it. i've been trying to tell myself that no one will notice me, no one cares, etc, they're all busy with their own lives, etc.. but the idea of stepping outside, of how long it will take to walk down there and back (it will take about an hour in total, and at present that seems like an eternity), having to deal with the possibility of passing people on the sidewalk, and having people in vehicles stare at me as they drive past, or worse, while we're all stopped at lights.. and then having to deal with a possibly busy store.. the longer i leave it, though, probably the busier it will get. and then having to deal with whoever, the cashier, the other shoppers, etc, realizing i'm probably bulimic, and possibly laughing behind my back, etc.. the addiction is strong, and can often overcome all this and say well who cares anyway, but i have no self- confidence at the moment. and it's possible that the stress of the excursion will outweigh any pleasure i will be able to get out of indulging alone at last. the stress is very physical at the moment. my body is fairly rundown and weak, and the anxiety feels very pronounced.