17-18/07/03
i feel miserable. i feel pulled in so many directions. i'm afraid of hurting anyone, disappointing anyone, messing with anyone, being phony, etc, etc, and i'm also feeling like i just can't go any further.
but there's so much fear involved with making any kind of choice at all. there's too much awareness of what life is like, what consequences are. and the most consistent feeling i have is that i am alone.
i think that if i wasn't obsessed right now, that i'd probably just go on with things for a while, and see what happens with my new site. but what i feel is something that i don't know how to force down or put off. the feelings are out of control, the feelings of attraction blind me to everything else. i know i want to leave here, that i want to be where he is. but there's so much fear involved with that.
there's no feeling of safety in this obsession. not that i ever thought i was looking for safety. i don't trust our communication, i think that's the biggest thing. i don't feel protected, close, understood, not really consciously, although i feel some strange sense that a lot is going on below the surface and that maybe fear, insecurity and not having time yet to process all the relevant information might be preventing me from seeing enough. and for all i know, he may say what he says to me, to others, or it may be something along those lines. i guess we don't *really* know each other. our meeting may be nothing but a mistake to him. he may never feel what i feel, or want what i want, we may not be any closer in person than we are in writing, although there seems to be something, some strong emotion that binds us somehow, something that i know i don't completely understand, something that intrigues and compels me and that i want to explore.
i don't like living this way, i don't like having to keep what i feel to myself, not when it's such a significant part of my life and who i think i am. it feels hypocritical. does it really protect gk, is it kind to him that i don't feel free to say publicly that i love someone else, although gk is aware of how i feel and who i feel it for? and i do love gk, but not in the way i want to love someone. but i do place a high value on what gk has shared with me. i've just always felt it was temporary that i'd live with him, that i might need to leave at any time, that i cannot allow myself to be constrained by the usual rules, obligations and hypocrisies of life, and that if i had enough energy, i'd act on that (heh - yes i'm aware of how that sounds), and we've always had that understanding.
people feel what they feel. i've always wanted to know what that was, and why it was, and not try to force everyone's feelings into little 'acceptable' boxes with neat labels. i don't feel that i judge what other people feel, or want.
it seems to me that if there's any reason i'm living at all, other than inability to kill myself, it's so that i can experience passion, intimacy, closeness, connection. maybe those concepts will always turn out to be illusions for me, but when i start to experience the feelings that they inspire, it's like nothing else matters, and i want to stay open to the possibility that i can connect the way i want to connect, feel what i want to feel, that i can experience something i never have before.
i don't want to be so fucking scared to act on what i want.
[07/02/05: i'm having trouble. i feel pretty fucking horrible, when i already felt pretty fucking horrible. it's always difficult for me after having contact with my family. random, chaotic:
a problem relates to my perceptions. i think it helps me a lot when i find out my perceptions have been accurate about something. my family always seemed to think i was out of touch with reality, or 'off' in some way. i've often drawn others to me who seem to have similar ideas about me.
but, i've also had contact with a lot of people who are actually either deceptive or lacking in self-awareness, and who eventually come to making a kind of decision (maybe on more than one occasion): to let xesce know her perceptions are accurate, or to let her think she's fucked in the head for their own self-preservation. invariably when faced with that choice, what i find is that people take the latter alternative. and i wonder if this is a pattern set by my early experiences.
i've been feeling that someone has been trying to communicate with me through my website. i don't think i'm mistaken, although i could be mistaken about certain details, and i could interpret many 'messages' incorrectly. i don't know this person's identity. there may be more than one person.
if this person loses interest, or for self-preservation reasons or any other reasons feels a need to abort this project, i will again be in a situation where i will probably have to come to the conclusion it was all in my head. i actually still readily admit that there could be explanations for things that i'm not currently aware of. but i guess my gut feeling is that there is a consciousness out there attempting communication with me. it appears that it would have been possible to just watch me silently, unobtrusively, but eventually this person opted to send me messages, perhaps without understanding the consequences for me, but maybe knowing full well how it would be for me, and finding the idea of that fun in a perverse way, or seeing something in it they found interesting.
i wait for unusual communication, i watch for it, look for it. i don't expect anything from anyone, but i guess it's hard to get rid of the part of me that wants someone out there somewhere to find me interesting, and that wants an unusual opportunity to express the parts of myself that are perhaps different from the norm.
although the consequences of disclosure for this person might be serious, they didn't seem to give that much thought when they started playing with me. xesce doesn't matter. she has no right to expect anything from anybody. this is the internet, this is life, grow up, xesce, you have no right to whine about anything. or you can whine about it all you like, but don't expect anyone to care. don't expect anyone to care about your psychological state. people just don't give a fuck.
i'm not enjoying being played with. it's become frustrating and annoying. if it's that difficult for you to confront me directly, it probably is a bad risk for you. i'd gladly offer more info to help out with this, but i don't really know at all what's needed. i don't consider myself psychic, and the clues i pick up about people usually include me having access to more types of info in the first place about a person.
i'm hampered by wishful thinking, by wanting contact with a particular person. a person i think is probably the most unlikely to be doing this.
but even then, i wonder what the hell i'm doing. there were problems with that interaction before, there were issues that seem likely to still be issues. and so i guess i just have to suffer through this until it sinks in.
it just feels like anything else. whoever it is is just going to get bored and go away. but why can't that just happen now, why does this have to drag on and on?
how would i want direct interaction to be approached. i don't know. i think i had the vague idea that when it came to a certain person i would respond keeping myself under control for a while.
i don't feel understood. unusual things have been happening lately, but i feel like someone is playing with me. maybe they can look up and match details, maybe they can try to freak me out by showing that they are aware of details not everyone would pick up on or know how to find. but what's it all for? who the fuck cares? i just feel irritated at this point. what the fuck do you want? to show me you understand me? i don't feel understood. i just feel irritated. i just feel like you are playing a game for amusement, and that you might think you see when really you don't.
if someone tossed over the person they were with for me, i'd probably never trust that person. unless that person had discussed it with the person in their life.
the wisest thing is probably to think of me as someone who is not really alive. i can't be 'helped' or 'saved'. by 'love', friendship or anything else. feelings of attraction are more likely to motivate me to communicate than anything else. i can't seem to help that, but i'm not sure that even that sort of thing would be enough these days, or that any kind of communication would go on for long.
if i wrote to you in these words in december 2004: "i hope you will understand that it's best for me that we have no further contact" (probably pretty close to those words if not those words exactly) you are best off leaving here. i don't want further communication between us. i know i can't offer you the kind of acceptance and space you are looking for, and i know you can't offer me what i'm looking for - on any level. if it's you, which seems unlikely, i think i can understand that you are just seeking some kind of understanding and contact, and that you don't want to mess with me. i just don't want any contact. i've had a lot of time to think things over, and the way i feel about it doesn't seem to be changing at all. i think it's possible that you underestimate just how much i don't like the way you 'handle' things. i'm not going to go through it again. people have certain preferences that they can't help. my preference is to avoid at all costs people who 'handle' things in the ways you do. i'm sorry.
i'm currently feeling obsessive feelings for someone, someone i've had contact with in the past (not the person in the paragraph directly above). i don't know how he feels about me and our interaction now. there is no reason for me to think he ever thinks of me, or that if he does it's in a way that's similar to what i feel. it may not last long. it's difficult to feed the obsessive feelings because nothing seems even close to realistic for me. but i can't seem to think of anyone else right now, and i don't think i could manage much communication on any other level, except under very unusual circumstances. and so as usual, i just wait helplessly for things to change somehow. i wait for information from somewhere.
so, does any of this help you out at all?
i'm so sick of always waiting. i have an idea.
i am probably going to remove this entry in a little while. i think i'm coming across as hostile and i know that in time i will probably regret some of it. (note: i removed some info from a previous entry for a couple of reasons. one was that as i was thinking about it, i wasn't completely sure as to its accuracy - if i had mixed up a couple of different people. if i had it felt unfair to implicate a certain person when it came to something i had experienced.)
05/08/05: i left the entry in, hostility and all because it felt genuine to me. the entry at the top of the page represents to me the ways that i ignore all the warnings and problems when i am fixated on a person. maybe this can't be helped, and i have to live it all out in slow motion. in the end, i prefer to focus on what was good in any relationship. i am still experiencing anger and resentment toward the person i was 'hostile' to above, though. it seems to me that he pretty much shits on all my attempts to express and deal with my confusion, by "not listening", or demonstrating that he thinks none of it matters, that his own whims are more important. and it comes across that he thinks i deserve it, maybe because of my stupidity, commonness, or boringness. right after he said he was going to stop the stalking, i noticed that i had received a couple of stalking type 'messages' related to what we had discussed in email. if it wasn't him sending the messages, then i have another stalker. this whole situation has been confusing, because i'm not aware of the extent of the stalking, or if there is more than one stalker. whatever the case, the person i am aware of having stalked me has not behaved in a friendly way. in view of the distress i have expressed over the whole stalking situation, the fact that he didn't come forward sooner, or actually acted kind of flippant about the stalking doesn't seem very friendly to me, and in fact a lot of his actions come across as passive-aggressive hostility. and somehow, i think he thinks he's being 'nice'. yikes.
anyone who has stalked me and read about my confusion and stress related to the stalking without coming forward is considered by me to be behaving with hostile intent and is a person i do not respect. if in anyone's mind i have been sending mixed messages about the stalking, let me clear it up here:
when i first started paying attention to things, i didn't take it too seriously, but i found that i sort of liked the idea of having a stalker. at times i was nervous, but it was a new experience, and not being interested in the usual things in life, i was curious about it. a lot of coincidental occurrences made me wonder to what extent it might be going on, but it seemed pretty preposterous to me. however, as i started to become aware of more and more, i noticed that i was thinking about a particular person and developing obsessive feelings. it could just have been that i was overdue for an obsession, as part of some internal pattern, and i needed somewhere to project the whole drama.
i allowed myself to explore my feelings, and this unusual situation. i wrote things on my computer as i went along. at times, it really felt like someone was communicating back to me. at the same time, i was getting a lot of messages related to my website. i thought the two were connected, but now i'm not sure, and they might have been totally separate issues/stalkings. let me stress that i don't know for sure about the computer stalking. i can't prove anything, and it all seems pretty difficult to believe. as a result, it wasn't difficult to think it was all in my mind, and that no real harm could come from the things i wrote and expressed on my own personal computer.
i think i had unresolved feelings for the person i was becoming obsessed with, and the situation tapped into hidden fantasies. but, the idea that it was anyone else always turned me off. eventually, it seemed to me that if there was someone involved, they were content to leave it at the same level indefinitely, and as a result for me, the initial novelty of the situation gave way to reason and rationality. it seemed more and more that someone was playing a game with me. and because i couldn't get more information, i felt off-balance and felt a need to break away from the situation. it was difficult, because my life is pretty empty, and the need to fantasize was strong.
in addition, it was difficult for me to avoid the computer altogether, and it seemed like that was the only way to deal with it. i have taken what practical steps i could, but because the whole issue is not resolved, i don't feel i have privacy on the computer, and i do feel self-conscious. a big part of it is that i feel depressed that whoever is showing interest in me doesn't seem to be the kind of person i'd want to communicate with on an ongoing basis. i can't seem to totally eradicate the wish for someone to talk to. maybe it's like we had a few superficial things in common, or the person knew enough about me to try to intrigue me, but it was all based on some kind of game. i haven't ruled out a kind of mental/emotional sadism or some kind of related compulsion.
could the admitted stalker just be trying to find a way to adapt to my personality and to communication, was this his way of trying to hold onto contact when i said i wanted it to stop? if so, he didn't give me credit for assessing our relationship accurately. we don't have anything that feels real or genuine to me, and if attempts to fool me into communicating start off well, it really only is a matter of time before we're back to where we were before, and attempts to trick me into continuing communication will just irritate and frustrate me. sending messages of whatever kind is still about attempting to communicate with me, to have contact with me, and if you are going to go against my wishes, i'd respect it a lot more if you had the balls to confront me in a more direct manner. i find it difficult to remember what was good about this interaction - because this whole situation seems to emphasize the cheap and tacky aspects of it, or at the very least that communication was ultimately frustrating and unsatisfying, and that i was right to want to stop it completely. i honestly tried as hard as i could to find a way of communicating that would work between us, but it just wasn't possible. that interaction made me feel that my thoughts, experiences, feelings and attempts to process my confusion weren't important or worth considering, and i don't find that acceptable in an ongoing relationship/interaction.
if i'm coming across as hostile, i think you've earned it.
i don't like being this hostile. i'd much prefer to be released from all of this stress and anxiety, but i keep trying to find some way of dealing with it on my own, and the fact remains that i am simply very frustrated and angry. it feels like i'm constantly in 'flight or fight' mode, and because it has dragged on for so long, angry feelings aren't usually far from the surface. whatever stalker/s i may or may not have, i doubt my feelings matter to any stalker, and in fact this may be like feeding trolls, providing more amusement. i am writing this out for myself, perhaps as a way of dealing with the stress and anxiety. when i've felt obsessive feelings, i've been open about it, and i think it is valid to express anger when anger is something i've been having trouble letting go of. i would like to find a less hostile way of dealing with it, but this is where i'm currently at.
later: what would help me to resolve this: answers. i want to know why i am being stalked, and to what extent.]