yesterday i was daydreaming in a sexual way pretty much all day. for most of the day, i think i was in a very aroused state, but i only masturbated once. i'm finding that i just don't want to masturbate, except as a sort of last resort when it seems likely i need some kind of release. last night, i had a sexual dream, but on awakening the details slipped away quickly. what i do remember was that i climaxed 3 times in the dream in a short period of time, and that the third time was very intense and i woke up as it was ending. the only other details i remember were that i was in a bedroom that had a bed in it, but that i was on the floor, and that there were a couple of other people in the dream. one was i think my mother, and the other was a younger female. i think they were watching, and i was masturbating *in spite of* their presence. in some sexual dreams, having someone watch me seems to add something to the experience, but it didn't in this one.

it's not that unusual for me to climax twice during a sexual dream, although once is the most normal for me and i'll admit 3 times is more unusual. the reason i'm writing about this is that i've noticed a pattern in the last few months that's probably indicative of something significant.

what i've been noticing when having sexual dreams in the last few months is that i only seem to reach orgasm when i'm masturbating in the dream. when i'm participating in some kind of sexual activity with another person, i find myself noticing that the other person is bored or not really attracted to me, or would rather be with someone else, or feels some sense of obligation or something like that, and somehow the activity ends up stopping. whereas when i'm masturbating in the dream, i'm able to continue until i actually have an orgasm.

i think this is significant in various different ways. i do find myself having a lot of conscious thoughts that are related to this. as usual, my way of explaining will probably be unfocused, all over the place.

i don't really have a difficult time seeing that people could look at photos of me and find me attractive, but i think if people have seen photos of me, my real life appearance might seem somewhat underwhelming in comparison, or at least not what was expected. which is not to say that i don't get the impression that random people i see when i happen to leave the house don't find me at least somewhat attractive, because i do sort of get the idea that some do. also, when it comes to photos, i can see it being difficult for people that i look different in different photos. i think it's easier when there's a very clear identity to focus on, and if this isn't present, it seems natural to me that a person would probably not be able to help focusing to some extent on aspects that appeal to them more.

i've become all muddled. ok, i think what i'm trying to say is that i have a hard time believing that anyone is ever going to feel as attracted to me as i want them to be, and that it's because i am now at a stage in my life where i can't really see in myself what i used to. or, it's more like i think i was likely blind when i was younger, not logical or realistic enough. that past blindness helped me to have enough hope or something that i was able to deal with my imperfections better than i can now. and i have this probably psychotic need in spite of that to put things on my website that deny the reality of what i feel about myself as others probably see me. it's like i don't care about 'reality' at all, i want to create my own, and it doesn't seem likely to me that i can bring anyone else into my version(s) of reality, and i think i'm getting to the stage where maybe i accept that, even on unconscious levels.

i do get the impression that gk currently finds me very attractive. it doesn't seem to help. i think this is related to a problem in our relationship that i don't think can be solved. i think lately he has possibly been feeling even more attached to me, and that it might be because that with all of the stressful occurrences lately, i have somehow been finding the strength to handle it all and be some support and also have enough left over to put energy into my own projects. on the surface, i can see that his reaction would be positive. i'm participating as if i'm a real member of a family, and i also seem to be doing things for myself. there's also the added thing with the visa, the idea of some kind of longterm security for our relationship being finalized, going through the last difficult step.

but i think it's all misleading, considering how i feel about everything. i think there is something internal guiding me at present, and that what i'm doing is misleading, although not intentionally. in order to go through with my creative ideas, i feel like i need to also offer gk whatever support i can right now. if i didn't, the 'compassion' or guilt or whatever it actually is that i feel for him and his family would prevent me from being able to do my own things. i would be too messed up, confused, conflicted. and my current creative things are so important on some level that somehow i'm finding massive amounts of energy to help me cope with the unbelievable stress that all of the combined things require. it's not something that can be sustained indefinitely, and maybe i could crack at any time. part of what i'm saying is that i think gk is attached to a person who is not really me.

but i can see it's leading to some kind of crisis point or decision. i'm trying to hold on until i feel i've done *enough*. does it seem evident to anyone else that something unusual in a creative sense is going on with me? why would it? but maybe it's not unusual anyway. have i been clear enough to gk about what i think is going to happen once i feel i can't continue on with things the way they are? is it clear to anyone that right now my main focus is on myself, and trying to hold onto a way of expressing myself that feels closer to who i am, and that that is where the ability to cope with the other stuff that is alien to me is coming from? because i still have *some* hope that maybe it's possible i can express some part of myself that i've always hoped i could? because for some reason with the way i am put together, i don't seem to have a chance for the one unless i can somehow also cope with a few of the difficulties involved with 'real' life for a while?

i have no idea what the hell i'm saying, and have no idea why things took this turn. i feel really worn out.

consciously, for a long time, i guess i've been realizing that real life sex is difficult for me, and that if i live longer, masturbation may be the only thing i can cope with. even if that's only in dreams, because in real life, i don't even really want to masturbate. i don't feel connected to people, i don't feel close to people, i don't feel hope about life, and while i've been able to find ways of coping with that well enough to have sex with people through the years, i don't think i'm strong enough to continue to do so. i don't think i want to. it's not that i don't want to have actual sex (in whatever forms), i think i will always long for it, and it will be a torture not to have it. but without the kind of closeness and passion or whatever i also long for, and which even my unconscious seems to think i'm unlikely of finding, i just don't think i want to try to deal with it at all.

i don't know, doesn't it seem like a fairly significant thing that irl i feel withdrawn from sexual activity, even masturbation, and that when i dream i only reach orgasm when i'm masturbating, not with someone else? there is one person i sometimes dream about and can enjoy sexual activity with this person in the dream, but it doesn't lead to orgasm. at least not lately. but i suppose it's at least something that i enjoy the experience.

[26/12/04: i feel like adding an update. my sexual disinterest continues. at present, it's been for a very long time. i don't masturbate often. i can't even find things i want to daydream about. i still have sexual dreams in which i reach orgasm. most of these dreams seem to be about masturbation - but if i wake up during, i don't seem to be touching myself in actuality. the theme of no one being interested or very interested in me seems to continue in my dreams. i think both of these issues in dreams could be related to my actual life situation.

my life is pretty lonely, and i don't seem to have much of a chance of meeting anyone new. in addition to that, *i* just can't seem to accept myself. i wonder if some people might think i'm hopeless about sex because i put up photos of myself that make me appear more attractive than i am and i know i can't live up to it and so i feel hopeless. i don't want to dismiss that idea just like that. i *think* there's more to it, though. i've put up pictures that represent all different aspects of myself, and not all of them are 'attractive'. i would not take back these efforts. maybe they represent something pathetic about me, but maybe they also represent something different about me - and possibly even that i can perceive things that others can't. not just about myself, but about others, and that this is part of what makes communication with others difficult for me - it's difficult to filter through all of the perceptions i have, all the info i take in. and that i keep clumsily trying to find others who are affected similarly. and in that sense, i think my photos are a good representation, a good start at representing this idea.

if i were in some sort of life situation where there was the possibility of seeing people on a regular basis, i think it's possible that some people might become attracted to me. but i think my outward appearance is still 'normal' enough that i'd attract people under false pretenses. they'd be wanting some kind of normal, down-to-earth life, or even if not that, my personal situation is just pretty hard to swallow at this point, even for unusual people, and if the focus isn't there, i guess what i'm saying is that i'd probably find the people i'd meet in real life as too 'normal'. online, if people just look at a few things here and there, they may expect someone a lot larger than life, but i think the best chance i'd have of attracting someone compatible would be online, where a person could potentially get a better idea of what i've tried, and how 'ill' i am. i just somehow need for all of that to be seen.

i'm not sure how much i care about interacting with others any more. i mean, i still seem to long for interaction, but i just don't see in what form. i can't go back to my pre-computer days, and online i just can't go back to the places i used to go. it's like i tried certain things, and am at a different stage now and am not sure what to do now. except just keep letting out whatever seems to force itself out, although what i do now doesn't seem to be leading to interaction. i keep things less personal, i stop everything before it starts. this dialog will autoclose.

someone asked me once why a person would want to have a photo that looks better than they did in person, wouldn't it be better to have a bad photo and surprise others in person? and it's like there's so much about this to say that i don't even know where to start.

the idea that the photo actually looks better than a person does in person. how was the photo taken? presumably photos don't lie? what if in person you're projecting your own crap onto a person, and not really seeing that person? *everybody* does that to some extent. what if the person is not in an environment in which they are at their best? maybe if they were, you'd see them differently. in the world, how much choice do we really have about our surroundings?

another thing i've found is that humans seem to take photos as 'truth' to a scary extent. such that if someone has a flattering photo, they start to believe that, and people with good photos have a better chance in life. related to everyday things - like photos included with resumes, or a simple photo one shows friends of a new girlfriend. i don't know how to explain this clearly - but it's sort of like the images sort of shape to some extent what people see in a person and how a person sees hirself. i would not underestimate the power of images in this video age. if you are not photogenic, you better have some exceptional qualities of some kind, or you will constantly be bombarded with messages that you are worthless or invisible, substandard or even subhuman.

what i think i do with images is capture parts of personality that people might need help to spot in me. what i think is behind this is partly a need to 'compete' with the photogenic and the power they have. i am creative, i am director, lighting person, makeup person, hair person, costume person, etc, etc, and i use images to show people aspects of myself - and i work with raw material that 'professional' photographers wouldn't touch with a 50,000 mile pole. i don't see that as pathetic. in a way, it's brave, and in a way it maybe shakes things up a bit and could even potentially shift the balance of power a bit, if enough people could get far enough outside their conditioning to see the originality in it, rather than dismissing it as pathetic. the images we are bombarded with in the media don't represent 'reality', but the effect they have on humans is disturbing. there becomes an increasing gap between the haves and havenots when it comes to beauty and i think my solution at the very least could make people stop and think a little, because i put the focus on different aspects, a wider range.

anyway, if nothing else, what i am doing is perhaps showing someone out there what i want to be seen in me, steps along the way. i think of it as a necessary step. perhaps it will lead me to develop differently. perhaps it's just something i have to go through on my way to something else.

as for the sex issue. i think i'm in some kind of transitional period. maybe my old ideas are changing. i don't know. maybe i'm preparing for something new. although, it sort of feels like what i might be doing is preparing to focus everything on one individual, with no more distractions. if the right situation doesn't appear, then i'll probably do without. it could be that all my other experiences have led me to this. but it's not about resignation, it's about trying to be brave enough to face who i am, however ridiculous that might be. to know what's not acceptable to me, and to accept that what i want is something it's unlikely i can find. but in spite of that, to continue on, do what i do, at least until i figure out how to kill myself. i don't know what to daydream about, because i've sort of explored and talked about what i used to daydream about until i got to some new sort of stage. and maybe now i don't know what to daydream about because i've worked through various things and am open to something else now.

like so many other times, i've felt this burning need to write, and then when i write, i just feel like an idiot. but i've been through it enough to know that generally no one points at me laughing their head off. at least not to my face. usually, no one ever says anything. and so the writing is maybe a way to reduce a certain kind of pressure, momentarily.]

[added 07/02/05: it's been a very long time since i've been able to enjoy sexual activity in a dream with someone else. if it starts off enjoyable, invariably the person seems to lose interest or to reject me in some way. but usually even when it starts off somewhat well, i still notice feelings of hesitation and insecurity.

i would like to clarify something about orgasm/climax. i suppose i'm coming across in such a way that it seems i'm suggesting that sex is nothing without orgasm, and that the whole point of masturbation is climax. i don't feel that way, but it's difficult to communicate the situation accurately.

ever since i was a teenager, i think that daydreaming in a sexual way has actually been like masturbation for me. i had always been able to achieve very high levels of arousal just through daydreaming, and i could engage in it for very long periods of time. in part, i think it started out as a way of coping with anxiety at school. it was the only way i could channel the anxiety 'positively'. when i felt stressed, i'd just daydream, and my 'incapacitation' or inability to concentrate was then because of 'pleasurable' feelings rather than stressed feelings. i think i became sort of addicted to the feelings.

when i started having sex with people, it was always very easy for me to have an orgasm, or more than one. when i met peter, i think i learned a lot about what sex could be, and how it could feel intimate. that it wasn't about orgasm or climax, but that the whole experience was necessary, and the feeling of intimacy was what lingered. i could spend so long just touching his body. i think i was always open to many different aspects of relating, touching, being with another person, and that i was aware in ways others were not.

but for a long time, i have felt like i have been losing all of that. i don't touch people the same way, i don't respond the same way, i feel alienated, and i have to try harder to get into it, whereas before it came naturally. at this point, it's pretty much 'dead fish syndrome' (although i am not currently having sex at all with another person.) in the last 7 years of my life especially, it's seemed to get worse and worse. when i'm with anyone, my inclination is to just lie there. i don't actually feel all that much like doing anything. in the beginning, i tried with gk to have sex in unusual places, different positions, just tried a lot of different things. but then i couldn't any more. and with the others i've had brief contact with, 'dead fish syndrome' has set in almost immediately. i might seem 'normal' to others, but i know that something's different with me, or just plain 'wrong' with me.

most people who've known me in the last 7 years or so would recognize that i have patterns and that at times i've questioned whether i was ever going to be interested in sex again. what i'm trying to say is that i go for longer and longer periods not being interested in sex, and i don't think it's just part of the natural aging process. it's become quite disturbing to me. and i have reached a point where it's extremely difficult for me to even daydream. and this time, when i've found myself feeling obsessive feelings, it's like i can't really call it obsessive, because while i recognize certain parts of the pattern, a lot is missing this time, and i'm not even sure it's possible to really feel obsessed again. i shut down and become detached.

it's possible i'm in some kind of transition, or it's possible i need a little time to process certain experiences.

when masturbating, my responses seem as they always have. no slower or less acute. i find it difficult to daydream, though. i don't know what or who to daydream about. this may change, and i guess i'm waiting. but there's part of me that wonders if my problem is now so serious that it may never be solved, that it will just continue to get worse.

in person with people, i don't seem to respond much when it comes to sex. physically or emotionally and in whatever other ways. i feel detached. maybe it's that i now have a better idea of what i want in sexual interaction, and am less likely to settle for less, and i realize what i want seems unrealistic for me personally.

in the last couple of months, i have had a fair number of sexual dreams. i like having them, but it does always seem to me that people lose interest in me. and when i climax, it's when masturbating, because the feeling of rejection or disinterest always seems to stop things with other people.

in one recent dream, it was like a group of people wanted to communicate with me, and sort of offered themselves sexually to help me with anxiety. it didn't go very far, and it was somewhat pleasant, but the dream didn't really feel like it was about sex. it felt like it was about something else. and the sexual parts weren't about anyone actually feeling attracted to me, it was just about people trying to help me feel better so they'd be able to communicate with me. which was not satisfying to me. although it was interesting.

one thing that occurs to me is that when it comes to the last 3 people i've had in-person contact with (in the last 5 years of my life), i realize that i am not a type that any of them would normally have been attracted to. that they were attracted to me because i showed interest in them, and liked me mentally or felt comfortable with me, but weren't actually very attracted to me physically. i realize that men are adaptable, and when they're near you, it's usually natural for them to be able to behave sexually, even if they aren't 'really' all that attracted to you in actuality, or think of you as someone who isn't very attractive compared to what they normally find attractive.

i don't hold anything against anyone's preferences. but i do want people to be clear about them, and to let me go if they know i need someone to feel attracted to me at this point in my life and they know they can't offer that kind of thing. it's almost like i get the impression that because someone doesn't find me attractive in certain ways he thinks no one can, and so he tries to make me feel better somehow. but when it's approached that way, it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse, because i have certain perceptions about things and if they're invalidated in order to make me 'feel better', or if they're simply avoided, i'm just going to feel much, much worse. i'd rather be 'free' to try to find someone who can be attracted to me in the ways i'd like. it's damaging to be stuck in interaction with a person who doesn't think it's likely i'll ever be able to find someone who actually finds me sexually attractive.

but it's also related to the ways i express myself. as time has gone on, and i have found new ways of expressing myself, i think part of me is pleased, and at times i find myself interesting. but when it comes to attraction, i think my feeling is that most would look at what i've done, and while some may think some things are 'interesting' that it wouldn't really hint at any kind of sexual potential, that it's all just separate. whereas with me... when i see what people write and express, i can imagine all kinds of things, and feel sexual attraction related to what i pick up about people. or rather, that's how it used to work for me.

but it's like i see that even if i branch into areas where i express things in more overtly sexual ways, with my particular types of creativity, that i will be instantly dismissed. no matter how 'interesting' all that goes into it is, no matter if i come up with every creative part of it, do my own makeup, photography and everything else, it won't matter, because what most would prefer would be a beautiful woman who has a more 'ideal' body/appearance than mine, and it won't matter if she has no creative input whatsoever, or if she's not intelligent or open-minded, she will be more sexually interesting, desirable or relevant, and there's nothing i can do about it. in addition, there are probably a lot of women who are more intelligent than me, and also more attractive.

i can wait to see if there are exceptions. i can possibly realize that i am more suited romantically and sexually to females, although i don't just automatically assume that these issues aren't relevant when it comes to females also.

i guess i'm just waiting. i don't really know what to think. i think i try to hold onto the idea that i'm unusual, and so it won't be easy to find someone who corresponds to me just like that.

(i had meant to write about something else today, and this sort of got out of control. i'm going to try to write something else in a while.)]

22/05/05: (apologies in advance for the repetitive nature of this. i've said these kinds of things before, but i really need to write today, i need the action of writing, and i need to keep it, in case there are small things here and there that can be used later in a compilation of the most coherent thoughts/ideas.)

i'm wondering if a lot of people are currently experiencing sexual problems. wondering if maybe it's related to the current social climate, pressures. i think there's always been an underlying awareness of what beauty and physical idealness are, and a grasp of what types of situations and experiences are ideal, but i'm thinking it's possible that people are forced to confront these issues increasingly on a conscious day-to-day basis. humans have only been dealing with film and television (and now the internet) for a relatively short period in their history, but it seems like there's a kind of acceleration that these media have caused, teaching humans to view everything the way the camera views things, relentlessly showing them the most ideal images and ideas in part because it's part of the human makeup to be desensitized and to also strive to do and be more. but what if this exposes a fundamental flaw in humans? what if they can't keep up? and maybe only the ones who are beautiful and/or exceptionally strong will.

it makes a kind of sense to me that ordinary men and women might be picking up that sex and romance are only for beautiful people. or, that sex and romance take so much effort that not everyone can do what they think they are expected to do, and as a result might kind of collapse or give up in despair, and then start becoming increasingly detached about it all, with increasingly diminished sexual response or interest. a very large proportion of women depicted on film and on television have body weights and dimensions that are not currently achievable or maintainable for most women. it's like a freaky proportion. and the men depicted may express emotions, or be romantic or skilled or successful in ways that most men are feeling pressure about, that they can't live up to.

we're a society of voyeurs, and it probably can't be underestimated how seriously we're all affected. we passively take a lot in that we don't ever talk about, articulate. i realize the survival instinct is strong, and the urge to procreate is strong. but what about all of the people who have procreated and/or reached a certain age? at this point, is there a general feeling in a large portion of the population that they may have very little chance any more when it comes to sex? that they might be considered irrelevant? are people becoming detached about sex? are we looking at a future where people become irrelevant at 30-40 (or that we are all now increasingly more consciously aware of some ugly underlying human reality), and might even choose to die at that time? i remember reading something recently about suicide rates, about how the early 40s was currently the biggest group for women (forget what country/ies). i might have it wrong, i just remember something about it standing out for me, not realizing that that age group had such a high rate, maybe, as i get closer to being in that group.

it seems like there's less mystery about sex now, and that while people are now supposedly able to be more open about preferences and kinks, it doesn't actually seem that sex is as full of potential and variety, somehow.

i'll be the first to admit that i might be hypersensitive about this in part because i have so little contact with the outside world. i very rarely go outside or have contact with people. when i do, it's very brief. i am not around women i've known my whole life, watching them as they go through changes related to getting older, having kids, etc. so, the women i have to compare myself with are those i see on tv, in movies, etc. i remember the women my father knew who were approximately the age i am now, and i remember thinking there was no real sexual attraction. he always seemed unhappy, and unable to leave.

there's a lot of porn on the net, and everywhere. it's a fact of life. and yet, while people joke about porn, there's also this weirdness and secrecy about it. this weirdness and secrecy about it seems to perpetuate a split in how people relate to each other. men learn to hide certain behaviours and if they talk about it, they talk about it in certain ways and conceal some aspects of it, while women are taught that only certain women do that kind of thing (participate in being photographed for porn) and there is a kind of cheapness about it, and that good men recognize valuable qualities and can avoid seeing women as objects, and then as they get older and have more experience, women are often confronted with glimpses of the reality of the situation.

when my parents split up, i was nine. my father ended up sharing a kind of luxury apartment with a friend of his who had a lot of girlfriends. there was erotic artwork in the apartment, it was furnished to be a place to lure women for sex, there were books about sex, sexual joke articles/objects, and tons of magazines. some of the magazines were more unusual, but the bulk of them were playboy and penthouse. when my siblings and i visited, there was no attempt to hide any of these articles or to stop access to them. i enjoyed spending time in the bathroom looking at the pictures in the magazines and reading what was written in them. i was drawn back again and again, and i remember that i liked the way it felt. as my breasts started to grow, i would compare mine to those in the photos, wondering how they'd turn out ultimately. basically, i felt sexual arousal.

as i got older, it was not difficult for me to understand men's interest in this sort of material. however, i think i was very typically female in that it didn't play a big part in my life. my fantasy life developed in different ways, i *needed* to move on to something else, involving sometimes complicated mental/romantic scenarios that became the major part of my fantasizing. i seemed to accept that men were different, and i remember at one point that i tried to buy a magazine for a brother who was too young during a time when i was able to leave the house, but there was some problem, like i wasn't old enough myself, or i didn't have the right i.d.

but it seems to me that the secrecy related to it normally must have effects on how men and women relate. and even with my background, things have gone weirdly with certain people i've been involved with. and it's so strange, how awkward communication can be, how difficult it can be to figure out what expectations people have about things, and how people's assumptions and fears can end up forcing people into horrible limiting roles or tight little corners it's very difficult to escape from.

what about the women involved? where are they in real life? it's like they have a certain power, and at the same time, aren't allowed to be as visible in society, maybe as a way of taking away some of the power they have. can other women interact with them without feeling anger or fear, and do these women feel like pariahs in a sense? i don't hear their voices. it seems like there must be a lot of them out there. what is their experience? how are they handling things, and do they feel the power they have?

women now seem to have a general understanding that they may need or even want to do more sexually in their relationship, but putting the focus on women doing more, providing variety to keep their men interested is not really all there is to it. in a way, it takes the focus off the secret life, and the need for the secret life that isn't really replaced.

if a woman who used to be an exotic dancer, sex trade worker or involved in the porn industry moves into a neighbourhood with women who have not been involved in any of those fields, won't there be immediate suspicion? won't the women's partners be intrigued by this newcomer? won't they secretly try to track down whatever porn she's been in? and they can look at her, in private, and know seemingly private things about her. isn't it even more threatening to most women if she openly works in these areas, and exhibits obvious self-esteem?

there are a lot of human hypocrisies, fears and insecurities that need to be addressed. and what if we don't address these things openly because the truth is there are a lot of extremely ugly and hypocritical things about humans and human life?

'good girls', the ones society shows respect, the ones who 'win' in the most obvious ways, will always find ways to compete, and in a sense they can do this because they have a kind of core of self- esteem that society gives them. they're used to 'winning' in certain ways, and there's no reason they can't win in this area, right? if men want 'sluts' (often those who have been thrown away by their families, treated like garbage in one way or another), then they find ways to give what these other women give, *plus* the outward respectability and structure. it's all part of competition, it's part of what the human animal is, it's about strength and strategy. another side of this is that eventually we may learn more about the girls who are seen in sexy images/situations, such that they become real people and aren't disrespected.

i think we're headed toward a future where it's the norm to be physically beautiful, and if nature doesn't provide that at birth, then people will take advantage of whatever means available to make the desired changes. the things that are ugly or unacceptable today, the features or characteristics that do not appear on screen nowadays when it comes to sex, are the things that will be elimated in real life as well. [i might seem to be forgetting to address certain fetishes that relate to certain extremes of appearance, and to 'deformities' and other unusual conditions - i think these fetishes will always exist, and am not sure yet how to how to tie this in with what i'm writing about today. so, for now i'll finish up what thoughts i have today, and see how this fits in later, if i can. of course, everything i write may very well be bullshit, but i suppose writing for now is something to do and may help me cope with bulimic urges. i may also seem to be forgetting to address how all of this relates to homosexual interaction, but i am guessing that appearance issues are affecting everyone. ah.. one thing that does tie in with what i'm writing today - the idea that i might somehow fit someone's unusual fetish or something along those lines in some way is perhaps a way that i sometimes have a kind of 'hope' related to sex.]

currently, i am not experiencing binge/purge behaviour. there really hasn't been very much of it for quite some time. my weight is in my normal range. i am currenly in a phase i guess where when i have negative or uncomfortable feelings, or any overwhelming feelings, i write about them or express them in some way on my site, or i talk to gk. i think carefully about what i want to eat, and i'm lucky enough that i have someone who will purchase exactly what i ask for. sometimes i eat more healthily and more variety than at others. currently, i'm eating a lot of junk food, but i'm not bingeing. also, until recently, i had been getting regular, but not very strenuous/challenging or varied exercise. i think this info is potentially important when it comes to other bulimics. with support from a variety of sources, with youth and a variety of options in life, it may be possible that certain individuals could potentially cope with their lives without disordered eating.

it *is* considerably different to times in my life when i was younger, panicked, and desperately needed to binge, thought about it all the time, etc. i *do* think that expressing things has some effect, and that making an effort to identify what i want to eat has an effect. (however, at times in my life i am so stressed that even this sort of thing is not enough.) i am at a weight that is medically acceptable and even ideal for my height. i'm not thinking about food constantly, and i'm not engaged in binge/purge behaviour. but, significantly, the most serious issue remains: i cannot be happy with my body.

i've read that the average woman of my height weighs 144 lbs. my normal range is 115-120, and i've not exceeded that in a very long time, although sometimes i'm able to maintain at a considerably lower weight than is 'normal' for me for a time. i speculate that most men and women would think i look like an average woman, and yet my weight even at its highest is not close to that of the 'average woman'. what i'm suggesting is not that i look much larger than my weight would imply (which i have suggested before), but that most people are affected by the media images they see to the extent that their perception of reality is a bit messed up. i'm suggesting that most people *might* expect more of others and themselves than is realistic, and that this might have something to do with the power of images and the effect they have on human perception and processing of information.

at my current size/fitness level, i cannot imagine having sex. my body feels slack and blah, i am conscious of my age, i feel sexless, boring, unattractive. i know enough about how the body works and how my own particular body responds to diet and certain kinds of exercise to know how to make my body look and feel significantly different. i don't think i could have sex with anyone until i managed to find the energy to make these changes. theoretically, it's within my control to do these things, but i have not been able to do these things to my satisfaction in all my adult life. as it becomes more difficult to make the necessary changes and compensations for aging, it becomes more difficult for me to respond sexually.

i read 'the beauty myth' by naomi wolf a long time ago. the pressures that women are under do seem unfair, and yet nothing seems to be changing. for years, i tried to challenge all the info coming in, and i probably still try to some extent, but it feels like a losing battle. even if i were to decide hey, that's a worthwhile topic to take on, to try to write about it and join in the effort to help women to find other things in life to focus on than their appearance, or to help everyone to become aware of the situation and help everyone to address it... i do think those are worthwhile topics, and if i had more energy or was thinking about life longterm, i think i'd try in some way. but honestly, i'm not sure i could do it. because what i see is that underneath it all, eventually we're going to live in a society where all due effort is made to address physical 'imperfection' (while leaving alone 'attractive' quirks that help a person to stand out) and 'ugliness', and that perhaps while educating people about all of the factors that have led up to that, it will also be necessary to find ways of understanding it that don't make people want to kill themselves. that's not to say that in the meantime some of the people who are exceptional and unusual (but not physically 'ideal') aren't going to find ways to show us all things to inspire us, or show us that they can be loved or desired more fully than beautiful shells, it just means that i think human development is going in certain directions. and i'm not saying 'i give up', i think i'm saying i'm not sure it's really a 'bad' thing. it's uncomfortable for me, but i think the issue is not in trying only to encourage people to find particular talents to develop, to become involved in the world around them, etc, but that they are probably going to have to face the reality of a society in which plastic surgery is the norm. and that when it comes to competition for mates and jobs and whatnot, everyone is probably eventually going to cave and go under the knife, and it will be a matter of survival, not just vanity.

i recently tried to go shopping for clothes, and had a very stressful time. a long time ago, i guess there was more of a feeling of excitement related to shopping, the idea of preparing in a creative way for possibilities in life. i always had to see it that way, i couldn't see it as a practical sort of thing. but the clothes i see just never somehow seem to represent whatever possibilities i think i'm looking for. but even when it comes to stuff for wearing around the house, it's like i have such weird issues that for one reason or another, nothing is ever right. and i do understand that the underlying issue is that i don't like my life and don't want to do anything that relates to perpetuating the current state, and so i'm sort of unreasonable and not practical, and i end up wearing the same old clothes all the time in the house. and i feel embarrassed about it, but over the years it's been extremely hard for me to change this pattern.

if you go to stores in your area, the things you see on tv aren't for sale in the sizes the people on tv are wearing. (that may be less true in certain places - i know in the u.s. it's possible to get smaller sizes more easily, and when i left canada they were starting to have smaller sizes more frequently, but in australia they are still behind.) i personally always seem to want to wear more unusual things, but when i make an effort to confront the places i want to try to find these things, i end up facing the same problems as always - there is always something wrong. i think i need help shopping, maybe, because this is one area i think it *may* be possible for me to feel slightly less bad about life - if i could manage to find clothes that feel comfortable and that i like the look/style and feel of. when i shop, i usually end up trying to focus all my energy for a day or a couple of days, and get as much as i can over with as possible. it's like i end up buying the 'least bad' things, factoring in what flatters me, what the colour is, what the fabric and style is (usually, it's too difficult to cover many of these issues at once). and then sometimes i don't try again for a very long time. if i could find someone i could pay to make me clothes, whose skills i trusted, i actually think i might like this option. and it would be better to have a few articles i really liked than a whole lot of things that end up sitting in the closet because i've just bought a bunch of things at once trying to cover as many bases as possible.

maybe it's partly related to being exposed to beautiful costumes in films, costumes related to different times and circumstances. what is currently available in stores doesn't seem varied enough. but i do know that some people know how to shop and put things together, and can evoke different time periods, moods or atmospheres while putting their own spin on things. i just don't have a talent in this area, and in part i think it's because i have too many unattractive or unappealing features to compensate for or to try to figure out how to play down and the effort of handling all of that sometimes takes away from the rest. if i could cope with shopping more often, if i could get out there more simply so i could try and experiment more, it might make a difference.

oh, i was talking about sex, i think. i've had some nice sex dreams recently. well, they've seemed to sort of stop now. i think i had good dreams because for a while i was fantasizing a lot. it's not that i was fantasizing in realistic ways, or that i was receiving attention from the person i was fantasizing about, but i think it was simply my interest that might have made the dreams possible. so, maybe that's part of the 'trick', being interested in someone or something. but, how do you find what interests you, especially if you are feeling depressed and hopeless about it all, and if you don't think it's likely anyone will ever be attracted to you? and i don't know how to answer that. it just happened, i wasn't expecting it. i don't know if it will happen again.

another comment, related to tv. i've been watching a lot of tv lately. recently, i was watching a program in which two people came to a waterfall in the jungle, and the guy made a comment to the girl to dare her to jump in and swim, and the comment was something like, 'you're not some no-fun, navel-gazing, mopey girl, are you?' and i must say, the comment irritated me. i realize all too well that i'm a tiresome person, but to be fair to me, when i've been confronted with a situation like that, i mean, i've actually been hiking in rainforest and spontaneously stripped down to my underwear to swim when a waterfall came in view, although my body is not as 'acceptable' as that of the girl in the tv program, and if people saw me they might think 'ewwwww'. it's not like i haven't been capable of plenty of other spontaneous 'fun' acts in my life, and i've probably also had sex in public and in unusual ways that many 'fun' non-navel- gazing or non-mopey girls have not. and i've taken a lot of risks in my life, but i do see that as a whole i'm a tiresome, boring person. thanks for rubbing it in. and another comment i heard recently, about how depressives are afraid of life, just dismissed all of us out of hand like that, as if it's not complex at all, and as if we just don't try hard enough because we're too afraid. does it count for shit if you try to confront your fear in ways that others couldn't even dream of? and if somehow people could measure it and you have more fear than most people to have to confront and that in part this fear is based on the fact that you are more fucking perceptive than most people?!! heh, just had to get those things out of my system.

diary

my navel

index