cease to resist,
giving my good-bye
drive my car into the ocean

-pixies, wave of mutilation

i'm not sure where to begin. it's all so chaotic. jump. i made this website for 2 main reasons that i was consciously aware of:

1. it was to be a kind of personals ad to attract a suicidal mate. we'd fall madly in love, get what enjoyment we could out of life for a few moments, and then kill ourselves together. (heh. but it is imo important to have a dream.)

2. it was also meant to be a kind of suicide note, and a way of saying 'xesce was here'.

i had some ideas about what i wanted to communicate, and how, but the way it all turned out just made me feel i have very little control at all. still, at various times, i've felt that i was expressing something that truly represented who i am, something that would get through somehow, to the type of person i was looking for, and that no one else's opinion mattered. now i'm sort of thinking that what i've done here is to create a place for myself, a place where i belong. or, it's something to do for now, all i can figure out how to do. i don't know what i will do next. i think that when i gather the energy i will set off into the world to live for a brief period, intensely, while looking for a place to die.

take me out tonight
take me anywhere, i don't care, i don't care, i don't care
just driving in your car
i never never want to go home
because i haven't got one
i haven't got one

-the smiths, there is a light that never goes out

my poison of the evening is erin cream. it's a chocolate and vanilla flavoured thing. 16.5% alcohol. well, i'm female, and i like chocolate. i mix it with skim milk. my intention is to try to stay up for a few days until i have some kind of vision or interesting experience. i will drink alcohol, coffee and eat chocolate. the erin cream is heavy, and i already feel full, so i've slowed down a bit. when i'm not so full, maybe i'll have a coffee.

gk is gone for a couple of weeks again. he's been gone a lot lately. every time it's the same thing.. we have to use up what food we can, and then he locks some away before he goes. i subsist on a fairly bland diet of fruit, carrots, instant soup, weetbix, oatmeal and skim milk, but those are the only foods at present i won't binge on, and that's about as many nutritional bases as i can manage to cover. for a while now i've also been taking iron supplements. locking things away only works when i'm not ragingly self-destructive. gk has a big metal trunk with a big thick padlock.. once, when i was determined to get into it, it took me approximately half an hour to do it. it took me less than a minute to determine that the latch itself was the weakest point, and the rest of the time to bend it back and forth until until it broke, using something i found in gk's tool box.

my candle holders are somewhat cool. empty wine/liquor/liqueur bottles. lots of them. i like the effect when the wax drips down the sides. i got this idea from peter and jamie's apartment when they were roommates. they had a band back then, but i never heard them play. i think they were sort of punkish-alternativeish. peter came up with the name 'jamie noxious and the despot eye'. jamie played bass, and i'm not completely sure what the hell peter did.

and if you're so clever
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very entertaining
then why are you on your own tonight?
if you're so very good-looking
why do you sleep alone tonight?

-smiths, i know it's over

hmmm... i think it's time for another drink.

i want there to be some place to go. i want to perform all the grooming rituals, i want to be seen, i want to dance, i want to exist vibrantly for a moment or two. but where can i go? i sit here, dressed all in black, with blackberry nails and black cherry lips, just watching my hair grow, longing for love, sex and death.