14/01/03
i find myself writing and writing, but i think that right now i need to make a conscious decision to stop. i think the writing could go on and on without getting me to where i want to go at present. i need to rein my thoughts in and focus on what i want, or i could spend a really long time stuck using my energy to deal with things i've already done my best to deal with while ignoring or putting off what i think i'd really rather do. so i've deleted some things.
what comes next is a muddle, but i'm going to leave it at this for now. i've been trying to say some of it in various ways, but i keep missing some aspects of it, and i still know i'm missing more. i don't know, maybe some of it's overkill, but for some reason i feel i need to say this.
when you get to the point where in your communications with others you know you can understand what the other person is saying, but you don't have the energy to rise above your own discomfort and you either accidentally tread on their feelings or do it consciously because in some perverse way you want to further alienate yourself and be misunderstood and also you're tired of being able to spot the roles and patterns but not to escape them and you just feel like acting like a bad sport to escape your role and do the unexpected, but the result is that you hurt or anger others and only make things worse. ok, i don't think that's a sentence but i don't think i can fix it. what i was trying to say is that it's getting harder and harder for me to be the kind of person i want to be in my interactions with others, and i'd rather isolate myself than be the kind of person i seem to be.
sometimes when i've seen my words in writing later, or remembered something i've said, i feel so embarrassed, so ashamed of myself. usually even at the time i know i'm not choosing my words well, and i'm treading on feelings, or haven't got my facts or ideas clearly articulated, and seeming to disregard things people have put effort into explaining and still i can't seem to make the effort to say what i'd rather say, to get deeper into what i really think and sometimes even with people i've known well and spent a lot of time getting to know and getting to know their issues i'm still fucking insensitive to them because i just can't find the energy to express myself better. and it makes me feel bad. and i think i shouldn't communicate with anyone, that i don't want to be that person who doesn't make the effort to treat others better. but for me to be clear, it takes an enormous amount of effort.
no person can handle someone who needs as much as i do indefinitely. it's just not reasonable or humanly possible, and this seems very clear to me. even though i have periods when i'm able to come across as reasonably calm and positive, and when i'm trying, the rest: the cycles, the patterns, the depression, the anger, the food and body issues and behaviours.. it's all so incredibly draining. it's just neverending. i feel so much stress, almost all of the time, and i don't try to hide it. i simply can't, at least most of the time. i try to express it, but it's all so complicated that in expressing i become even more stressed. it just simply never stops. i can't see it stopping. it's got to wear everyone else out as much as it wears me out. no person could handle it indefinitely.
i want to do something to show i appreciate the support gk's tried to give, all the energy he's put in. i also honestly want to get out of the current pattern and try to have something different. it seems to me that the only way that can even be remotely possible is if i focus and find a way to put in as much effort as i possibly can. i suppose that sounds unrealistic, but i don't know what else i can try. we all secretly think we're capable of some ultimate effort, i think. maybe sometimes it's only with seemingly impossible situations that it's possible to achieve the ultimate of what is possible for us to achieve.