13/01/03
panic. over the last couple of weeks, i've lost a lot more hair than usual. the amount of hair that normally would show up on my hairbrush in a couple of weeks seems to be there in a day. i find little bits of hair all over the place. will it just stop on its own? i've been searching things on the web, and i'm wondering if it's been caused by my dieting and exercising. the lowest my weight went was 105 lbs (with my recent bingeing and whatnot, i know it's increased but i'm afraid to get on the scale in case it causes further panic). i did not lose more than 15 lbs in a 12 week or so period. that amount of weightloss does not seem drastic.. it seems somewhat reasonable. but i know the incredible amounts of motivation it took to deal with my lack of physical energy and with my depression in order to keep things up, keep exercising, etc. i know that i felt inappropriately cold at times.. like in 35-40 C weather, going swimming in a pool with water that had been heated by the sun and air.. fairly warmish water.. and having very pronounced goosebumps, feeling so cold that i could not get comfortable unless i was constantly swimming around (no, i was not swimming to burn calories, get more exercise). maybe it's anemia again? (i've wondered about this, and some months ago started taking an iron supplement, although i suppose the extra 5 mg of iron a day may not be sufficient if i'm severely depleted) or maybe i'm finally having to deal with the consequences of having an eating disorder longterm, maybe there's something else going on there? i've never been hospitalized for my eating disorder, or sought treatment for anything physically related to it, and when i was treated for anemia, at that time it seemed reasonable that it was caused by me not eating much meat at the time, and because before that time i had had very long periods with no meat at all (7 years once). i've since heard that anemia also shows up in those with eating disorders and those who exercise a lot.
maybe it's nothing, but i can't help panicking. i'm afraid of doing anything that might cause the hairloss to continue. i'm scared, because it seems that hairloss doesn't seem to start until *months* after the initial period of stress, and the stress in my case continued for some months and i want it to continue now.. when you're engaging in severely restrictive/strict behaviours for an extended period (i'm not saying i was that extreme, but i'm hypothesizing that my body may be old enough or depleted enough that my efforts felt extreme to it), energy is conserved for only functions vital for survival.. hair stops growing and goes into the 'resting phase', and then is shed a few months later. normally, we all lose a certain amount of hair every day, but every day approximately that same number of hairs occurs in new growth, but in anorexia that sometimes doesn't happen.. meanwhile, i'm afraid that if i don't start dieting and exercising again as soon as possible that i'll live in absolute hell for an indefinite period of time. i'm tempted to think that i'm just being nervous for no reason, that i always blow things out of proportion, but at the same time, i think i've put in more effort dieting and exercising possibly than my body is able to handle, and i think i need to acknowledge that maybe i've exceeded my limits, and that this could be partly what's been responsible for the 'breakdown' i've had (past 'breakdowns' as well). for many weeks, i had been getting about 3 hours of exercise a day. i am ashamed to say that because it seems the results don't really show that effort. i feel like i'm making excuses, and being a whiner and whatnot, but maybe it actually is reasonable to connect these issues, and maybe i really did exceed my limits, and my body is to some extent breaking down as a result, and trying to give me hints.
so, i'm in a panicked state, and with being out of control lately i do not feel up to facing anyone, and yet i'm very scared of losing my hair (i am ugly enough already, and it's taken me so long to grow this hair) and if there's anything i can do to stop the process of losing it, i at least want to know. i hate not knowing, i hate feeling helpless. do i see a doctor or dermatologist and risk facing questions i'm not sure i can handle without breaking down? fuck, i will have to be very in control of myself. i suppose i need to focus on my health, that if i am not up to seeing a doctor, i need to try to eat as healthily as possible and not cut back as much as i think i need to, that i have to try exercising moderately, etc.. but how can i do that and be happy with it when i still feel so huge and disgusting and when i still feel so out of control? it's easier to motivate myself to have control when the control i have is likely to eventually lead to me being thin. but when my efforts will likely only maintain my weight, i may feel incredibly depressed and hopeless, like i'm not working toward anything, like i will never get to where i want to be because my body hates me. realistically, i can see that i'd probably be healthier/fitter if i tried to slow down, but it's like with the way my mind works, it's easier to put in a huge effort for a shorter time than a smaller effort for an indefinite period of time. (i tried to gauge my limits accurately, but maybe i failed this time). my motivation cannot last, no matter what. i only wanted to focus for as long as was necessary, so i could achieve what i wanted, enjoy it for a bit, work on the creative goals i currently have in my mind, and then take off on my trip and kill myself, and while on my trip sort of allow myself to enjoy losing control.. i don't know, i can sort of imagine that in those circumstances i could. should i just forget about what i thought i wanted, say that i've had enough of everything and go for the suicide plan now, before things get worse, even though i know i probably won't be able to enjoy my trip? should i push myself further and not worry about hairloss? it's just that if i lose a significant portion of my hair, i'm not sure what i'm trying to achieve would be as important to me. because i'm so fucking vain. i mean, it's difficult for me to come up with much in life i want to achieve, everything seems rather pointless and unfortunately what i can come up with does sort of depend on me being able to make the most of my appearance. am i focusing on all of this as a way of distracting myself again? if i never achieve my goals, will i continue to put off killing myself? is all of this part of my survival instinct?
i think, though, that there is something of an important issue here.. it's about how much effort goes in, even if that effort isn't visible to others. how much effort do most fit and beautiful people put in? is it a lot more than most of us realize? i think *some* people are lucky and don't have to do that much. others may be a lot less stable and healthy than they appear. but if you don't *look* like someone with anorexia, or if you don't look perfectly fit and thin, others may not be able to recognize how much effort you've put in, and you yourself may underestimate your efforts. you may not think you're trying hard enough, and you may get that message from others as well, when in reality the issue is that because of having a different body type or metabolism or something similar, your body does not show the effects of diet and exercise in the same way as the bodies of others. of course, you may be applying your efforts in such a way that you shoot yourself in the foot, but it doesn't mean you are not putting in a lot of effort. also, you may be just as depleted and ill as someone whose appearance more clearly shows that they are ill.
i am just trying to pass time while i wait to go to the doctor for a blood test for iron deficiency in a couple of hours. this is how i'm dealing with the anxiety of waiting for the appointment. somehow i managed to call and make an appointment. i just hated feeling helpless, not knowing. and maybe i won't learn anything, this is just one thing to rule out. i don't know. maybe i have blown things out of proportion. i've been collecting hair and saving it, and if the hairloss doesn't stop, i can apparently take this hair to a dermatologist. i guess that is another concrete thing i can do, if i can face it. i don't feel that i am in control at all. i don't even feel i had any control over making that phone call. i don't feel i'm a hypochondriac. i very rarely go to the doctor. usually i leave it for years and years and will only go when it's absolutely necessary. but maybe this is only about vanity, that when it comes to my appearance, certain health issues fall into the 'necesssary' category when it comes to seeking treatment.
when i see my thought processes in type right in front of me, i feel dismayed. it seems a hopeless task to find any way to look at myself in which i can really like myself. there are just so many trivial complications to my personality.
later: went to my appointment, my blood is being tested for various other things as well as iron deficiency. results should be back in a few days, but now i must live in a somewhat suspended state, a very stressed state, until my next appointment is over with.
[note: it turned out i had very low iron. i needed to take 105 mg of iron a day for 4 months. the hairloss stopped a little into the 3rd or 4th month - i'm not exactly sure. i continue to take 105 mg twice a week for maintenance. -xesce]