10/09/03
i can't seem to get a dream i had recently out of my mind. i was having sex with jamie, but i didn't notice any physical or emotional sensations. i can't remember what it's called, but we were in that position where both partners are leaning backward away from each other, facing each other, clasping hands, lying down. he looked at me and said, 'wow, you're *really* beautiful,' and i immediately looked down at my naked body and felt self-conscious, couldn't understand where he was getting that impression, and was afraid that if i just shifted my body a little, he would change his opinion. in my nervousness i made some awkward motion, but it seemed that his opinion remained unchanged. then he added, 'but there's some damage there,' and pointed to my breastbone. at first i thought maybe something had turned him off, but it seemed that he was concerned for me in actuality.
i looked down, and saw a red imprint, and for some reason, i think i could feel it too without touching it. or i knew what it would feel like to touch it. and thought my bra had just left a mark that hadn't had time to disappear. i didn't think of it as anything serious.
and then jamie had to answer the phone, and left the bed, but somehow i was trying to hold his penis inside me with just my internal muscles. i guess it was detachable. it wasn't erect. jamie was standing up beside the bed, and running his fingers through his hair. i noticed that it was growing longer (but still quite a bit above his shoulders) and i remembered that he had told me years ago that he wanted to grow his hair again, but that every time it reached an awkward stage he'd lose patience and cut it off again so it would be more manageable. i liked the stage it was at.
after that, i don't remember jamie in the dream. i noticed something weird scurrying along the floor. on the bottom was a mouse, on top of the mouse was some kind of miniature echidna/porcupine/hedgehog thing, and on top of that was a black beetle. i watched it scurrying, and then it was like the middle layer of the sandwich spastically shook itself loose and flung itself through the air. it seemed to find its way to my big toe, and it dug in its fangs and started sucking my blood. it was quite painful, and i noted that its fangs were metal. they reminded me of extremely heavy duty fang-shaped staples.
a woman who knew a lot about animals started to explain about these creatures, how they bite right down to the bone, and can't usually be removed without some kind of special tools, and even then there are complications. i was quite distressed and in a lot of pain, and panicked, but she seemed unmoved by this.
i looked down at the little creature just kind of slurping/sucking away contentedly and at one point, it looked quite cute. i was able to note this, even though i was in so much pain. when i wasn't looking, i guess it just stopped at a certain point. i felt an easing of the pressure, and i noticed that the flesh of my toe was all torn, but i was relieved that the problem of getting it off my foot had been solved.
so, i haven't seemed to be able to get the dream out of my mind. a few extra things that occurred to me upon waking.. i seemed to have in my mind that silly saying 'how do two porcupines make love? very carefully.' and i vaguely remember something i has seen, some educational program, there was something unusual related to breastbones on it, something that caught my attention at the time but i can't at the moment recall what it was, but it might have had something to do with the heart, something that made me feel sentimental or that triggered a sentimental association, and i also seem to think that the word 'damage' might be significant, and off the top of my head, it was like i started to think of a particular quote from the book 'damage':
...The surface remained untroubled, but the ground was beginning to feel
less firm under my feet. A fault long hidden was being revealed. There
was the smallest, briefest tremor, barely worth recording. But the pain
that shot through me was so intense, I knew that real damage was now
being done.
I could not pinpoint the damage, or whether I would recover, or how
long it would take. Suffice to know that I was less the man I had been,
and more myself...a new strange self...
another doctor's appointment coming up. it could be that writing about silly things like this helps to preoccupy me so i'm not constantly so stressed. by tomorrow at this time, it should be over with.