06/07/02
after 5:30 am. still slightly intoxicated. i guess i'm thinking of nothing, have been thinking of nothing nonstop. am i nothing? it seems highly unlikely at this point that i will ever 'accomplish' anything. i used to think that one day i'd 'show' everyone.. but now it all seems irrelevant. i'm mostly detached. it's all nothing, but some things move me. and what most think of as nothing.. that's what i look for.
09/07/02
having a lot of trouble trying to change my sleep pattern.
yesterday i went outside. i was almost out of body lotion, and gk took me to the chemist to get more. i am reluctant to start depending on him to get this sort of thing for me on his own, although i think he would.
it had been some time since i'd had much contact with the outside world, and i found it difficult. i experienced anxiety. painful longing, desperation for comfort. i felt nauseous and.. raw.. i didn't think i could stand it. i didn't want to have any more contact with the world at all. ever. i felt like i wanted to cry, but couldn't, even when back here in the house. i felt so alone, old, worthless and hopeless. i couldn't see anything i wanted to stick around longer for. i couldn't imagine anything could comfort me.
i'm not sure why i'm writing anything. i don't think i want to write anything. i feel so tired of everything.