03/01/03
i don't really expect anyone to have read all 4 parts of the diary entry about my body, or to have read any of it at all, but since i have put this diary entry up i have been feeling extremely uncomfortable, and need to say something about it.
what i have written seems highly irresponsible to me. i have not explained anything well enough, and it all just makes me feel mean and even uglier. my mind is so disorganized, such a colossal mess. it takes so much effort to express things clearly, fairly, in ways that express how i think i think.
without monumental effort, i feel i am ugly in every possible way. putting in effort is the only possible way i have to be less repulsive - when it comes to body, face, mind. i do not know what it is like to be able to wake up in the morning (or whenever i get up) and not immediately be ashamed of my ugliness, immediately aware of all that must be done to try to tone down the ugliness. i am aware of what must be done regarding hair, makeup, facial expressions, movements, postures, vocal tones and the actual words i express, i am aware of what exercise and food i need to improve myself, and i am aware of so much more. i am aware all day long, every day. i do not know what it's like to be able to express myself easily. it's always so messy, complicated. it's all so exhausting, and the rewards don't seem to be worth it. at the same time, just relaxing doesn't seem to be an option. i cannot accept myself. i have tried things like wearing no makeup at all and even shaving my head, and accepting when i express myself imperfectly or even moronically.. but those things always take enormous amounts of effort, too. i am not a natural person. everything takes effort, and i am exhausted. there is just no way to cover up, transform or accept all the ugliness. i like many parts of feminine grooming rituals, and sometimes i like some parts of trying to express myself in writing. however, my results are not consistent enough for me. i don't see how they ever can be. the raw material is not enough for me.
i feel that in order to be fair to others, and clearer about how i really think, i should rewrite all i've written about my body, looks. it would probably take quite a bit of time and effort to do it in a way that i would feel is acceptably fair and accurate. i don't want to rewrite it. i am sick of the topic. i am not happy with my appearance or who i am. i don't want to blame my dissatisfaction on others. i'm a difficult person. i make it difficult for anyone to get close to me, or to continue to care about me. i am still trying to do something about my body. i am still trying to express myself better. i don't know if i will ever be 'successful'. i don't know what that would mean, exactly. it seems highly unlikely to me that i could ever consistently like the way i look or the way i come across mentally or personality-wise. i just have too many bad angles, and they would still be there, even if i achieved the ultimate that is possible for me to achieve. i think the best i can do is to try to capture a few moments.. to capture myself striving for something beyond day-to-day reality and powerlessness. it won't ever erase all the ugliness, make it not exist, but it can represent a way of existing that i can feel pleasure in. i think it's possible that it is the only way *i* can exist that has the potential to truly feel pleasurable enough to me to give me a sense of fulfillment or personal success.