02/05/05:
a solution i have come up with regarding my current obsession relates to taking some time away from being online, which may be a solution to my current privacy issues as well. to see if it's possible to work on some ideas i've had for some time but have not yet worked on. to not keep checking for new email, or for new hits on my site, to try to depend on myself for a while and see what happens. to try not to involve others in my mess, to try to figure out some way of handling it myself.
about my site. suddenly, it's like i'm getting almost zero traffic. over a period of 5 months, i received on average 1200 hits per month. since i asked my 'cyberstalker' to stop his behaviour, i have received less than 300 hits in one month, and i think even some of those hits were from him. in the last few days to a week, i have received very few hits at all. [if anyone thinks that perhaps some areas of my site could easily inflate hits, like for instance my tarot page - the tarot pages do not register individual hits when they are accessed in a layout. it may have something to do with the javascript. these pages only register hits when they are accessed in unusual ways - like if someone manually types the address into the browser address bar. 21/05/05: i'm now uncertain regarding what i've written on 02/05/05 in these brackets in this paragraph. i am trying not to jump to conclusions. i might have been incorrect originally. i feel like i need access to more info, but i realize it's unlikely i will get that info.]
the whole situation with stalkers, and not knowing the extent or the reality of the situation has been difficult. i'm not sure how gk sees the whole situation. i think he's trying to be objective about it while being sensitive to my perceptions. he's not sure what to think, but when i describe what i think has been happening, he has told me that he can see ways that these things could be possible. we have checked for malicious programs, for things like trojans, and not found anything. there is the possibility that what i noticed was only related to uncanny 'coincidences', although gk did seem to think that if i was describing things accurately, some occurrences did seem to be pretty unusual. but, the person didn't seem to be doing 'harmful' things in spite of knowing personal info and passwords, etc, and so it kind of remains in the category of something unsolved and that i don't know what to do about. if i'm totally delusional when it comes to this particular kind of stalking, then i guess i have serious problems, but the main risk for others is in having to deal with a fruitcake. however, if there actually is someone watching, anyone who emails me might not have any privacy.
i want more privacy, and at present the only thing it seems i can do is to take a break from using my computer in certain ways. at this point, i am prepared to do that.
it seems that the best thing i can do right now is to work on whatever ideas i still have, if i'm able to do that. and maybe eventually if i express myself well enough, i will attract someone who wants what i want, or who has a need for my particular qualities. it's not that i have much evidence that that kind of thing is likely to occur, but i don't really know how to get that kind of thinking out of my head. i do feel backed into a corner, i feel like i have fewer options, i feel like no one cares. /whine. there isn't much else i can do or figure out to do except try to work on whatever ideas i can.
21/05/05:
my cold is gone. i haven't worked on anything new yet.
there are some dreams i've had that i would like to write down, or tell someone, but i don't want to write them here. if i don't write them down the details will fade. they were dreams i liked that i would like to remember (sexual dreams.)
in the most recent sexual dream (the one i liked least, the easiest one to write about) there was no one in the dream except me, and i didn't really seem to have a body or to be anywhere, it was like a state of nothingness, although maybe not quite because there were a few little things i could sense. i was not fantasizing about anyone, don't remember thinking about anything or feeling anything emotional. there were the stages of arousal and it was like i was trying to get friction to move things along, but i didn't touch myself, didn't seem to have hands or even a body, really, except perhaps a very vague sense of having genitals and a vague sense of truncated hips and thighs, maybe, sort of. but it was a process, and i wasn't emotionally involved and reaching orgasm was just part of the process, and i wasn't even conscious of it being a pleasurable process. i didn't feel release, i didn't feel depressed. it was all just kind of blank.
i don't know if i'll work on anything new soon, but it still seems to me that what i'm sort of doing is waiting to see if i start to work on anything.