on food, sex, and drinking like a fish...

Every time I hear that there are no 'good' or 'bad' foods, if you practice moderation, I find myself wanting to express that it might be the excess itself that is important. Maybe it's fun or necessary to go crazy.

I think I'm much less ashamed of drinking than the past b/p behaviour. Even though people still dismiss drunks, having been in both positions, I would say the perception of bulimics is 'worse'. Less flattering, maybe. Ah.. could it have to do with unconscious prejudice? Like, many 'writers' were known to have problems with alcohol? But how many 'tortured artists' are bulimic? They haven't found a way to 'glamorize' that. It's known that dancers, actresses or others in the performing arts might have eating disorders, but it's never considered a valid part of the process or job description by mainstream society.

I realize very well that when I was younger that if someone had said 'I now drink instead', I would have just thought that it really wasn't relevant to me, because there would be no way to stop thinking about food. People might not believe me, or might tune out as soon as I say alcohol - people have a lot of ideas about alcohol that are immediate, it might be good to put some effort into figuring out how to better articulate the food issues, because it is a significant change.

Over time, my excesses have not only switched from food to alcohol, I have become much less susceptible to attractions that I know are based on illusions. When I was young, I did pretty much always know that someone was 'wrong' for me, right away.. but I would find it difficult to override the sexual reactions and motivation to make contact. And now I think I am probably immune to such things, and that might be a positive step, or a feminist step, or whatever. But.. it also might mean that I have zero interaction, with anyone.

Is it because the cat's out of the bag, I know the 'truth' about what's likely and what's not, I know I gave things my best shot to find a way to explain my situation while being creative and while it might be 'different' to most of what's out there, it's not different in a good way, or a sexy way or a way that draws people to me. People are not attracted to me, they find me repulsive or depressing/negative, they are not interested in getting to know me better. It's too much work, etc. So, I have to figure out what else there is to life. No sex for me!

I sometimes feel I must start working on it all, and get it cleared out, but then I don't really want to do it. Not having feedback is not an excuse, I do think that if there is anything that needs clarifying, it's good to try to update, or to keep adding things - because that is part of what the site is about.

It might be important to put something about the feeling of something building, and maybe I can leave it for a day or two, or even longer, but without motivation, or something to aim at, the pressure will continue to build. And there does seem to be a certain pattern to it. I think also the sense that I kept trying to 'be done with it', to be honest about what I wanted, choose it carefully, have the full amount, and I would often feel I was getting sick of it, but it would still linger and I am not sure what's different now, except that I don't fantasize about food, and I can even be left alone in the house with it, although I do not store a lot of tempting food in the house when I'm going to be on my own for an extended period - especially if I will not have access to much alcohol.

I do think that the years of pizzas, cheeseburgers, fries, chips and cookies related to the home situation that began in 1982, without regular dinner times or eating as a group, and that when I started cooking, the days off were days we had junk food, and so it could be that I associated that with 'someone cooking for me'. And it could be that in watching masterchef*, the images started to replace other images, and there were enough images to change or trigger a change. I tried out recipes, I realized I could not cook like a masterchef, but I did find things that I liked. Not things I thought I should like or that seemed to convey a certain aura of health, not things I was aware I should eat, but things that worked for me, such that I do now think these things are 'realistic'. Whereas for a very long time, I had a problem with regular meals and boring routines and I didn't even have positive associations with homecooked meals in the past. It was all linked to ideas about life and routines and shoulds that I did not like. [*I could only watch masterchef for a while. I absorbed a lot that was positive, but eventually found the format too stressful, and a deterrent to enjoying food and cooking. Also, not enough vegetarian options.]

When I started cooking, it was not just about the food, it was about recognizing that something more than food (and cleaning) was needed, and it could be that psychologically part of the place I was coming from was needing someone to recognize that I also needed something more. No amount of bingeing could satisfy that.

Even though my food issues have changed, it doesn't mean I'm thin. I'm not obsessed with food. I eat when I'm hungry and I don't binge. Most people don't really understand what that means. I think I know what my 'natural' setpoint weight is. I don't qualify as medically overweight or obese, but I'm not 'attractive'. I know what it's like to say 'life's no fun or not really happening except during the times in my life when I've been below a certain weight', but now it's more like I know this is my life, and I have to think about 'what do I want to do today?' and I have to think about that every day. And I think of it as 'really happening', and I ponder about 'who' I am, and what my thoughts and daily behaviours mean. I write a lot, I take a lot in, and write. I think about what my thoughts and my writing mean.

While my food intake could now be considered moderate, my alcohol intake definitely is not. Ah, I could call the entry whack-a-mole. ('on food, sex and drinking like a fish' ok, i think i'm getting somewhere now. I suppose whacamole sort of could represent both that, and also tie in with the idea of a different flavour of guacamole.)

It's like I want to binge on an email conversation, but the kind that is 'hot', never occurs. So parts of my creativity are never utilized or triggered.

When I used to binge on food, it was important for me to choose what I really wanted, and times when I just lost it and ate whatever were not as satisfying.

This current writing/posting binge is not very satisfying. I just want to get it over with, so I can get drunk in peace.

One of the things that I do excessively is write. It is rare that I do no writing on any particular day. I am not sure much of it would fit here on my site. A lot of it is repetitive, or going over and over certain themes and ideas, trying to see whatever I haven't yet seen. I think I do react to a wider range of things, but how do I explain, I think it's like all the fleeting images of me, all over my site, and it's difficult to figure out a format that will provide enough context.

Since I have already lived 24 years more than I wanted to, I realize that this can go on, unbelievable as it seems. I've read a lot about how human beings become physically ill, their immune system functions less well, they develop various ailments, when they are isolated, when they are depressed. If you throw drinking into that mix.. hmm.. it seems like only a matter of time before I'm struck down by something.. When my eating was disordered, I had many, many years of disruption to my system and nutrition. I read a lot of warnings about eating disorders and their effects, and kept thinking 'ok, anything can happen, at any time' - because it went on for so long, and to me it seemed it was pretty extreme.

At present I have a kind of harm minimization approach. If I'm going to drink excessively, I try to do what else I can to reduce damage. For example, I take a large dose of B1 every day, because I read that it might help my brain. Most days, it's difficult to get out of bed. After drinking, I might fall asleep easily, but wake up and be restless for a while. I will sort of toss and turn during that time, but I also seem to use it as a time to stretch various things out. My flexibility remains fairly good. I will sometimes do sort of tense and release exercises. I learned that years ago in Relaxation Therapy. If I push through the restlessness, I will eventually sleep very well, very peacefully.

I go through periods when I give up caffeine for a while, but most of the time I go back to it pretty quickly. When I get up, the first thing I do is make a kind of soy mocha latte. Sometimes I'm able to have two moderate ones per day, but a lot of the time, they will be stronger and have more sugar. If I have three, I might experience caffeine nausea, and/or stomach irritation. One weird thing, though, is that with soy milk, for some reason I don't feel a need to have cookies or a piece of chocolate with it. It seems like 'enough' in itself. [Note: I actually do like real coffee, but it is more difficult to get it to taste ok here than at a café.]

After my coffee-flavoured drink, I then might sit for a while until I have the energy to have a shower. This period could possibly pass for 'meditation'. I put on makeup after my shower. For quite some time I have been going through a phase where I can't stand to wear any other colour of lipstick than red. I know it can look terrible in certain lights, but I really can't at present stand any other colour. My hair is a sort of natural unobtrusive colour - see No Comment, in Comments, 2011. I only wear wigs on special days. The rest of the time, I just throw on a hat, rather than style my hair.

I don't like to get out of bed before it gets dark. I shower in the dark. I go to bed sometime in the morning. It's easier to get out of bed on days that I know I will drink. Ok, coffee, meditation, shower, make dinner, get drunk. After dinner, I will turn on a computer and check the usual things. I get sucked into really stupid pseudonews things, and spend some time railing about them or speculating about various things. I find things to watch. I write about what I watch. I search various things online. The days I don't drink I might be slower moving, but slightly more perceptive and slightly less repetitive. This is a simplification, but sort of sums up what I do. Whether drinking or not, I will make a snack, or another meal later. I go upstairs and down many times, often checking for possums.

The whole idea of 'when life begins' and how this pertains to giving up some 'bad' habit or behaviour or pattern of some kind.. I still have trouble with the pressure of it. At present, I am trying to write up a few things, things I write about all the time, and yet for 'public viewing' it's a lot harder to do. When I just let it rip, I come to see what I am saying, and although it's messy, there's something about it that is 'ok' enough. But if I want anyone else to understand what I'm saying, I can't refer to associations without clarifying, I have to try to fix up awkward grammar that might throw the sense of something off or be difficult to interpret. And the pressure is as always building. I want to be free of what I'm writing, I want to get rid of it. I want to finish this task, so I can get drunk. And then, once I've gotten good and drunk, maybe I'll be ready to give up drinking and try to be open to some new phase in my life...

I already feel like I want to just power through and get all the rest done tonight, but because I've been through this so many times, I know that it will take longer, and that this is part of who 'I' am, and what I 'do'. It is work, it is a task, this is my life, it will not begin after I finish and give up drinking.

Will we eventually get to a stage where people admit to a love of movies the way people still refer to a love of books? At present, it's like people who like books are somehow superior, more intelligent, etc. But reading and reading, while it might engage the imagination, what does it all mean if you have all these thoughts in your head that are never shared with others? Isn't that a kind of passivity that is sometimes encouraged or not questioned?

Anyway.. just as all movies and tv are not created equal, surely not all books are created equal, even the ones with 'good grammar and spelling'? Surely there's a lot of obsolete or even 'harmful' memes out there? And it takes some ability to be able to sift through? There is a cliché or stereotype of a 'writer' who gets published, and is through the moon, because now their writing is validated, they are a 'published author', and have earned the respect of society. They were 'right' to call themselves a writer. They are justified. They have proof. Does it matter if at present it's more about 'what will sell'? And how marketable not just the book is, but the author as well? Like, in writing, it might be something like you have a bunch of people saying similar things, but the one whose book gets published is the one with the largest breasts, or who killed someone.

What are my unconscious prejudices? Even though I try to support those who struggle with their weight, or stand up for them, or stand up for any person who has issues with their appearance, or try to see it in complex ways.. what does my stance about myself say about what I 'really' think? It's ok for you but not me? Because I'm different, special? I don't see any point in letting people 'bully' me about my appearance, because at least on some level, I know what I've tried, and I know it's likely I have some kind of setpoint weight, and the rest of my appearance is something I really can't help unless I get surgery. So there's no real sense in feeling bad about these things. However, it doesn't mean it's easy to feel good, or to realistically believe that anyone else is going to accept that. So I try to give to others what is not given to me.

When I speak of myself as 'unhealthy', it doesn't mean that I think most people are healthy, or 'healthier' than me when it comes to their approach to life. I should clarify that in this entry.

I forget what this entry was supposed to be about.

->exile on meme st: a diary