Every time I hear that there are no 'good' or 'bad' foods, if you
practice moderation, I find myself wanting to express that it might
be the excess itself that is important. Maybe it's fun or necessary
to go crazy.
I think I'm much less ashamed of drinking than the past b/p
behaviour. Even though people still dismiss drunks, having been in
both positions, I would say the perception of bulimics is 'worse'.
Less flattering, maybe. Ah.. could it have to do with unconscious
prejudice? Like, many 'writers' were known to have problems with
alcohol? But how many 'tortured artists' are bulimic? They haven't
found a way to 'glamorize' that. It's known that dancers, actresses
or others in the performing arts might have eating disorders, but
it's never considered a valid part of the process or job description
by mainstream society.
I realize very well that when I was younger that if someone had said
'I now drink instead', I would have just thought that it really
wasn't relevant to me, because there would be no way to stop thinking
about food. People might not believe me, or might tune out as soon as
I say alcohol - people have a lot of ideas about alcohol that are
immediate, it might be good to put some effort into figuring out how
to better articulate the food issues, because it is a significant
Over time, my excesses have not only switched from food to alcohol, I
have become much less susceptible to attractions that I know are
based on illusions. When I was young, I did pretty much always know
that someone was 'wrong' for me, right away.. but I would find it
difficult to override the sexual reactions and motivation to make
contact. And now I think I am probably immune to such things, and
that might be a positive step, or a feminist step, or whatever. But..
it also might mean that I have zero interaction, with anyone.
Is it because the cat's out of the bag, I know the 'truth' about
what's likely and what's not, I know I gave things my best shot to
find a way to explain my situation while being creative and while it
might be 'different' to most of what's out there, it's not different
in a good way, or a sexy way or a way that draws people to me. People
are not attracted to me, they find me repulsive or
depressing/negative, they are not interested in getting to know me
better. It's too much work, etc. So, I have to figure out what else
there is to life. No sex for me!
I sometimes feel I must start working on it all, and get it cleared
out, but then I don't really want to do it. Not having feedback is
not an excuse, I do think that if there is anything that needs
clarifying, it's good to try to update, or to keep adding things -
because that is part of what the site is about.
It might be important to put something about the feeling of something
building, and maybe I can leave it for a day or two, or even longer,
but without motivation, or something to aim at, the pressure will
continue to build. And there does seem to be a certain pattern to it.
I think also the sense that I kept trying to 'be done with it', to be
honest about what I wanted, choose it carefully, have the full
amount, and I would often feel I was getting sick of it, but it would
still linger and I am not sure what's different now, except that I
don't fantasize about food, and I can even be left alone in the house
with it, although I do not store a lot of tempting food in the house
when I'm going to be on my own for an extended period - especially if
I will not have access to much alcohol.
I do think that the years of pizzas, cheeseburgers, fries, chips and
cookies related to the home situation that began in 1982, without
regular dinner times or eating as a group, and that when I started
cooking, the days off were days we had junk food, and so it could be
that I associated that with 'someone cooking for me'. And it could be
that in watching masterchef*, the images started to replace other
images, and there were enough images to change or trigger a change. I
tried out recipes, I realized I could not cook like a masterchef, but
I did find things that I liked. Not things I thought I should like or
that seemed to convey a certain aura of health, not things I was
aware I should eat, but things that worked for me, such that I do now
think these things are 'realistic'. Whereas for a very long time, I
had a problem with regular meals and boring routines and I didn't
even have positive associations with homecooked meals in the past. It
was all linked to ideas about life and routines and shoulds that I
did not like. [*I could only watch masterchef for a while. I absorbed
a lot that was positive, but eventually found the format too
stressful, and a deterrent to enjoying food and cooking. Also, not
enough vegetarian options.]
When I started cooking, it was not just about the food, it was
about recognizing that something more than food (and cleaning) was
needed, and it could be that psychologically part of the place I was
coming from was needing someone to recognize that I also needed
something more. No amount of bingeing could satisfy that.
Even though my food issues have changed, it doesn't mean I'm thin.
I'm not obsessed with food. I eat when I'm hungry and I don't binge.
Most people don't really understand what that means. I think I know
what my 'natural' setpoint weight is. I don't qualify as medically
overweight or obese, but I'm not 'attractive'. I know what it's like
to say 'life's no fun or not really happening except during the times
in my life when I've been below a certain weight', but now it's more
like I know this is my life, and I have to think about 'what do I
want to do today?' and I have to think about that every day. And I
think of it as 'really happening', and I ponder about 'who' I am, and
what my thoughts and daily behaviours mean. I write a lot, I take a
lot in, and write. I think about what my thoughts and my writing
While my food intake could now be considered moderate, my alcohol
intake definitely is not. Ah, I could call the entry whack-a-mole.
('on food, sex and drinking like a fish' ok, i think i'm getting
somewhere now. I suppose whacamole sort of could represent both that,
and also tie in with the idea of a different flavour of
It's like I want to binge on an email conversation, but the kind that
is 'hot', never occurs. So parts of my creativity are never utilized
When I used to binge on food, it was important for me to choose what
I really wanted, and times when I just lost it and ate whatever
were not as satisfying.
This current writing/posting binge is not very satisfying. I just
want to get it over with, so I can get drunk in peace.
One of the things that I do excessively is write. It is rare that I
do no writing on any particular day. I am not sure much of it would
fit here on my site. A lot of it is repetitive, or going over and
over certain themes and ideas, trying to see whatever I haven't yet
seen. I think I do react to a wider range of things, but how do I
explain, I think it's like all the fleeting images of me, all over
my site, and it's difficult to figure out a format that will provide
Since I have already lived 24 years more than I wanted to, I realize
that this can go on
, unbelievable as it seems. I've read a
lot about how human beings become physically ill, their immune
system functions less well, they develop various ailments, when they
are isolated, when they are depressed. If you throw drinking into
that mix.. hmm.. it seems like only a matter of time before I'm
struck down by something.. When my eating was disordered, I had many,
many years of disruption to my system and nutrition. I read a lot
of warnings about eating disorders and their effects, and kept
thinking 'ok, anything can happen, at any time' - because it went on
for so long, and to me it seemed it was pretty extreme.
At present I have a kind of harm minimization approach. If I'm going
to drink excessively, I try to do what else I can to reduce damage.
For example, I take a large dose of B1 every day, because I read that
it might help my brain. Most days, it's difficult to get out of bed.
After drinking, I might fall asleep easily, but wake up and be
restless for a while. I will sort of toss and turn during that time,
but I also seem to use it as a time to stretch various things out. My
flexibility remains fairly good. I will sometimes do sort of tense
and release exercises. I learned that years ago in Relaxation
Therapy. If I push through the restlessness, I will eventually sleep
very well, very peacefully.
I go through periods when I give up caffeine for a while, but most of
the time I go back to it pretty quickly. When I get up, the first
thing I do is make a kind of soy mocha latte. Sometimes I'm able to
have two moderate ones per day, but a lot of the time, they will be
stronger and have more sugar. If I have three, I might experience
caffeine nausea, and/or stomach irritation. One weird thing, though,
is that with soy milk, for some reason I don't feel a need to have
cookies or a piece of chocolate with it. It seems like 'enough' in
itself. [Note: I actually do like real coffee, but it is more
difficult to get it to taste ok here than at a café.]
After my coffee-flavoured drink, I then might sit for a while until I
have the energy to have a shower. This period could possibly pass for
'meditation'. I put on makeup after my shower. For quite some time I
have been going through a phase where I can't stand to wear any other
colour of lipstick than red. I know it can look terrible in certain
lights, but I really can't at present stand any other colour. My hair
is a sort of natural unobtrusive colour - see No Comment, in
Comments, 2011. I only wear wigs on special days. The rest of the
time, I just throw on a hat, rather than style my hair.
I don't like to get out of bed before it gets dark. I shower in the
dark. I go to bed sometime in the morning. It's easier to get out of
bed on days that I know I will drink. Ok, coffee, meditation, shower,
make dinner, get drunk. After dinner, I will turn on a computer and
check the usual things. I get sucked into really stupid pseudonews
things, and spend some time railing about them or speculating about
various things. I find things to watch. I write about what I watch. I
search various things online. The days I don't drink I might be
slower moving, but slightly more perceptive and slightly less
repetitive. This is a simplification, but sort of sums up what I do.
Whether drinking or not, I will make a snack, or another meal later.
I go upstairs and down many times, often checking for possums.
The whole idea of 'when life begins' and how this pertains to
giving up some 'bad' habit or behaviour or pattern of some kind..
I still have trouble with the pressure of it. At present, I am
trying to write up a few things, things I write about all the time,
and yet for 'public viewing' it's a lot harder to do. When I just
let it rip, I come to see what I am saying, and although it's messy,
there's something about it that is 'ok' enough. But if I want anyone
else to understand what I'm saying, I can't refer to associations
without clarifying, I have to try to fix up awkward grammar that
might throw the sense of something off or be difficult to interpret.
And the pressure is as always building. I want to be free of what
I'm writing, I want to get rid of it. I want to finish this task, so
I can get drunk. And then, once I've gotten good and drunk, maybe
I'll be ready to give up drinking and try to be open to some new
phase in my life...
I already feel like I want to just power through and get all the
rest done tonight, but because I've been through this so many times,
I know that it will take longer, and that this is part of who 'I'
am, and what I 'do'. It is work, it is a task, this is my life, it
will not begin after I finish and give up drinking.
Will we eventually get to a stage where people admit to a love of
movies the way people still refer to a love of books? At present,
it's like people who like books are somehow superior, more
intelligent, etc. But reading and reading, while it might engage the
imagination, what does it all mean if you have all these thoughts in
your head that are never shared with others? Isn't that a kind of
passivity that is sometimes encouraged or not questioned?
Anyway.. just as all movies and tv are not created equal, surely not
all books are created equal, even the ones with 'good grammar and
spelling'? Surely there's a lot of obsolete or even 'harmful' memes
out there? And it takes some ability to be able to sift through?
There is a cliché or stereotype of a 'writer' who gets
published, and is through the moon, because now their writing is
validated, they are a 'published author', and have earned the respect
of society. They were 'right' to call themselves a writer. They are
justified. They have proof. Does it matter if at present it's more
about 'what will sell'? And how marketable not just the book is, but
the author as well? Like, in writing, it might be something like you
have a bunch of people saying similar things, but the one whose book
gets published is the one with the largest breasts, or who killed
What are my unconscious prejudices? Even though I try to support
those who struggle with their weight, or stand up for them, or
stand up for any person who has issues with their appearance, or try
to see it in complex ways.. what does my stance about myself say
about what I 'really' think? It's ok for you but not me? Because I'm
different, special? I don't see any point in letting people 'bully'
me about my appearance, because at least on some level, I know what
I've tried, and I know it's likely I have some kind of setpoint
weight, and the rest of my appearance is something I really can't
help unless I get surgery. So there's no real sense in feeling bad
about these things. However, it doesn't mean it's easy to feel good,
or to realistically believe that anyone else is going to accept
that. So I try to give to others what is not given to me.
When I speak of myself as 'unhealthy', it doesn't mean that I think
most people are healthy, or 'healthier' than me when it comes to
their approach to life. I should clarify that in this entry.
I forget what this entry was supposed to be about.
->exile on meme st: a diary