Velvet has been sleeping, and when she opens her eyes, she
realizes she is on a train. On the seat across from her is a woman
wearing an identification card: Relating Consultant.
Relating Consultant: Is this your first time with
intergalactic relating services?
Velvet: In this galaxy, yes.
Relating Consultant: Most of our clients have been forcibly
ejected from other galaxies, but some have chosen to leave of their
own accord. Which was it in your case?
Velvet: I'm not completely sure.
Relating Consultant: Are you ready to begin the application
Relating Consultant: Find your way to The Tell-tale Heart
Memorial Car. You will have a few minutes to read a profile. Follow
Velvet can hear a heartbeat. She surmises it is a clue, albeit a
rather obvious one. She follows the sound into what appears to be a
haunted house. It is all such a cliché that she feels somewhat
annoyed. On a table she sees a children's storybook/tablet and a
button marked 'Rewind'. She presses the button. Her head spins around
and around several times and then returns to its original position.
She knows that this is some kind of test, and that she is being
observed. She decides to go for a risky opening because she senses
that there will be a better chance to get through this test more
quickly. She picks up the phone that has been provided.
Hi, this is Regan MacNeil calling from the Church of
Pazuzu. Would you like to receive instructions regarding how to
perform a sexorcism?
I think that would work better if you tried to sound
like Linda Blair, but I'd really prefer that you just be yourself.
There's nothing to worry about here. I'm really a nice guy, and a
What does it mean to 'be oneself'? Where does the self
come from? Is it a cohesive expression of all the influences we've
encountered in time and space, or is it something else
I'm looking for someone to love, someone I can cook
breakfast for, cuddle with, and read stories to at bedtime.
Yes, that's what I gathered through examining your
profile, so I thought I'd get sex out of the way early on and
concentrate on trying to be friends.
I'm just a random, normal guy who values honesty and
hopes to find someone who looks great in my old t-shirts.
I think I know the type you're looking for, and I
should let you know now that it's just not me.
I don't look good without makeup, and maybe most of the time I don't
look good with it, either. However, I think the various tools
available offer me an outlet for my own particular creativity, as
well as a chance to take a stand. I don't want a 'normal',
'no-nonsense', 'down-to-earth' kind of life.
I am fascinated by the unconscious, and preoccupied with attempts to
bring more of it into conscious awareness.
I consider myself Transhumanist. I like the idea of consciously
participating in human evolution. If I could get IQ, creativity, and
various skill/ability implants, as well as the chance to trade in the
cumbersome, lumbering, frail, non-symmetrical physical human form I
have been designated for a self-designed, super-cool avatar, I'd do
it in a heartbeat/mouseclick/whatever.
Transhumanist philosophy supports the utilization of science to
improve the quality of human life and functioning. Sex is an
important part of life, and science tells us that when it comes to
sex, males are visually stimulated, and that it is through this path
that they are most likely to give women's 'beautiful souls' a chance,
as much as we might like to pretend otherwise.
Most men say they don't like makeup, so you'd think that more women
would choose to please men by not using it, but women usually realize
that men can't always be trusted to say what they really mean, and in
some cases it's just that men can't tell who is using makeup or who
has had work done or not.
If you have no intentions of procreating, but would like to have
sexual relationships, it actually makes sense to utilize the
available tools, like makeup or cosmetic surgery, to emphasize sexual
signals of receptiveness and arousal, and to address symmetry, in
order to consciously trigger primal responses or tweak or intensify
the overall sexual experience for both parties, or in order to
improve one's chances when the odds are not in one's favour. It's
bizarre that this is thought of as deception or cheating, when in
other fields of human existence it is considered virtuous to expend
effort and to demonstrate resourcefulness in the face of competition.
When someone whose spelling is shite uses a spellchecker, are they
accused of vanity and shallowness, or of being a fake? Or are they
demonstrating that they are willing to put in effort to succeed, and
that they recognize they might not get the job if they don't employ
one when compiling their resumé? Should such persons feel
shame that in their 'natural' state, they really don't deserve to
have a job, get published, have an opinion on any subject whatsoever?
Should they live in fear of being exposed?
I'm a good speller.
You're missing the point.
I think I understand now. To pass the test I have to
show you I can write sex fantasies which demonstrate to you that I
understand the issues women over 40 face. Piece of cake; I know
exactly what women want to hear. I'll send a couple over momentarily.
I'll send you some sex fantasies, but they will be
psychologically complicated, and I have a feeling you're not going
to like them.
An exchange of written material occurs.
Your explanations were longer than the fantasies, and
it seems like you were trying to get everything just right. Only
sponataeity matters to me. All I can trust is instinct - going with
your gut 100% of the time. Everything else is fake.
Having the explanations understood is part of the
fantasy. I think spontaneity is important, but that it is also
important to think carefully about the kind of person you want to be,
and to put effort into expressing that, in words and actions. I am
not trying to get everything just right. I wrote all I sent to you
fast, stream-of-consciousness style. When it comes to instinct, I do
accept its significance and potential, but I think many immediate
impressions or fears are based on unexamined prejudices and
superstitions, and that most attractions are based on primal drives
that rational human beings have a right to question. Past experience
has shown me that if I don't make an effort to communicate some of
the complex issues early, relationships can be built on illusions and
misconceptions. It is unrealistic to think we can be 100%
illusion-free in relationships, but I think there are some illusions
and assumptions it is best to do away with if you can. I long to be
understood, respected, valued, seen.
Do you really want to watch porn together?
Yes, I think it will be a good way for us to get to
know each other. Based on your creative writing, you seem like a
highly sexual person. In contrast, there's no mention of sex in your
profile. It's a bit of a puzzle, and I am intrigued. What did you
think of that BDSM consent form I sent along? Do you think it might
be fun if we both fill one out?
I'm up for almost anything.
My safe word is Sweaty-Toothed Madman.
From Dead Poets Society? I love that movie.
I've been meaning to ask you about perspectives. In
the movie, one of the things Keating asks his students to do is to
try to see things from new or unconventional angles. Your photography
is quite good, but I'm wondering if you would ever consider applying
the ideas expressed in the movie about perspectives to your own
The best photos are the ones that show the
imperfections. Almost no one is willing to show
Are the most unflattering photos more 'true' than the
most flattering ones? Maybe both represent aspects of the overall
story? Does that make sense? Can it ever be valid to try to express
to others how you would like to be seen, and ask them if they can see
it? Can one photo capture the truth, the whole truth and nuthin' but
the truth? Is there one standard definition for the word
'imperfections'? Do your photographs uncover the
Your photos are nice, yes, but you have described them as 'random',
and they're not random. They represent the eye honing in on pretty
scenes in nature, and framing them just so. They're about what you
find 'worth' photographing - not the random. Nature is a bloody
battle, and in order that the beauty we perceive can exist, many
species and individual animals and plants must die every day. What is
not part of Nature? Everything in our world is a result of organisms
competing for resources and life.
Is the idea of having a relationship with me starting
to grow on you?
I am full of guilty feelings, but I know that some
males are into the idea of being used for sex. Philosophically, I
think what we value is very different. I do realize that 'opposites
attract', but not only do our values and communication preferences
clash, our respective lifestyles are incompatible. I think you want
to separate love and sex. You want a companion to eat and sleep with,
and the internet for your sex life. I think we are completely
incompatible as long-term partners, but I admit that it's been so
long since I have had sex that it's really hard for me to walk away.
I know that sounds awful. How do you feel about it?
I have an idea. If we meet in person, maybe we could
both pretend to be someone else, and we could talk about sports or
the weather. What do you think about that?
I would slap your face. But seriously, while I think
role playing is a good idea, I'm just not sure I want to start off
that way. And besides, I thought you wanted me to be myself?
What was that? Anyway.. Maybe we could masturbate
with our backs to each other.
I was sort of getting into the role of being totally
unlike myself, but nevermind. I can see how that would reduce the
amount of pressure and so I'm reluctant to dismiss it without
considering it, but even in a brief encounter, what you are
suggesting doesn't really do much for me. I don't think I'd be able
to believe from there we would eventually move towards increased
intimacy or a more intense moment that would represent a kind of
climax in our relating. I think I'd suspect that we'd just be
learning how to have a relationship in which we masturbated together
in perpetuity without connecting, and that the initial diffusion of
anxiety and attraction would never lead to the kind of intensity I
would be seeking. My individuality would never matter in this
situation. I know it might not seem to make sense if I am not looking
for a long-term thing, but in all relating, I think what I'm looking
for is a kind of peak understanding that can be achieved through the
combination of two unique personalities.
Have you seen my alias?
I saw some compliments you wrote to a pretty 12 year
old regarding her cover versions of pop songs on YouTube. If I
remember correctly, you used a Ted Bundy avatar, and she did
particularly well with a song about getting drunk. I remember reading
in your profile that a sense of humour is essential. Is this the sort
of thing you mean?
Sometimes I think that because I'm comfortable in my
sexuality and make jokes about sucking cock you think I'm gay.
Considering a lot of what you write and the porn you
like it seems to me that you are sexually fluid, but I'm not sure
what your primary interest is, or if you have one. I am intrigued by
your flexibility and open-mindedness in this area, and I respect that
you support gay and transgender communities. They still get a lot
more flack than many people realize.
When I'm in a relationship, I'm 100% monogamous.
I think a lot of people think they're supposed to live
up to some monogamous ideal. It is difficult for me to trust people
who seem to have unrealistic ideas about who they are and what they
If you were in a relationship with someone, would you consider it
platonic behaviour to continue to talk to your female friends on the
phone while surreptiously masturbating?
Many times you have mentioned that you sort of get off on the idea
that you are talking to someone and they don't know you're
masturbating. If they don't know, and you don't tell them, is there
a clear line: you are in a relationship, and these other women are
I'm only interested in women over 40, and I doubt I'd
go younger than 38. I like it when someone actually knows who Gary
Do you remember when we had that talk about initiating
contact with those you are genuinely interested in, rather than
waiting for people to contact you? You had told me that you are too
self-conscious to contact anyone, and so you are never the one to
initiate in intergalactic relating.
I only contacted Kimberly because we have a lot in
common and it seemed to me she could use a friend. Age is just a
number, and while she might be a couple of decades younger than you,
it isn't about that. Her boyfriend treats her like crap. And now she
expects me to be on call day and night. She tells me constantly about
all these other guys she's in contact with, and she threatens suicide
if I don't pick up the second the phone rings.
I think if she threatens suicide, you should take it
seriously, and if you can't be there for her, try to find out if
there's somewhere else she can turn. It sounds like you have feelings
for her. I would encourage you to pursue the relationship.
Do you want me?
Yes, but only for a short time. I seem to be drawn to
these really weird situations in which I am attracted to people I
know are completely wrong for me.
You are unbelievably cold and heartless.
I didn't mean for things to go this far. I knew early
on that we weren't compatible, and I don't know if you will
understand this, but it was like being trapped in a horror movie, not
knowing how to find the exit or leave town at the right time, while
at the same time trying to see the beauty in the unconventional -
although I know you want to fit in and see yourself as a normal guy.
I felt compelled to investigate the contradictions. And you know what
they say about involuntary arousal and horror movies.
Every time I tried to end things, I'd write a thoughtful 'good-bye'
letter expressing what I thought was unique about our interaction and
wishing you well, and trying to explain what it was that I was
looking for, and it would be like you'd get mad, and think I hadn't
really said anything at all. And then there'd be some kind of plot
twist: your favourite pet died and you personally had to scrape him
off the road, you developed an unusual foot infection and had no
health insurance, you installed Windows 8 without first backing up
and lost everything. I'd have felt inhuman to abandon you at such
I apologize for the thoughtless spur-of-the-moment booty calls and
the occasions in which I lost my temper and found it fun to allow
myself to communicate in a more immature (spontaneous, passionate!)
fashion. You said that all you wanted was the spontaneous and
unedited, and in going with that, trying to be flexible, trying to
give you what you said you wanted, in a sense I betrayed myself. At
the same time, I was able to re-examine my position and the structure
of my belief system, and illustrate to both of us why I have chosen
to adopt that setting. That's what I meant when I said I thought it
was important to think about the person I want to be, and to make
efforts to be consistent. In allowing myself to go with the flow,
there are now as a result some actions I regret and would take back,
but at the same time, I see the value in the experiment.
For me, a significant problem was that you kept hanging up after
letting me know I had done something to hurt you. I'd ask what it
was, I'd ask for clarification, but you would seem to think I should
know what it was I had done, and you'd refuse to talk at all. And
then you'd carry on with the relationship as if this hadn't occurred.
Regardless of any other incompatibility, this is an example of the
kind of thing I can say is not acceptable in communication, for me. I
don't feel respected, valued or understood, and I don't trust our
ability to resolve communication issues together.
Teddy hangs up. Velvet wonders if the Relating Consultant will
reappear and make comments regarding this scene. She feels uneasy,
unsure of herself, guilty for letting things go this far, because she
knows she should have known better. She wonders if she has failed an
important test. Has she been fair enough?
Fade out and fade in. Velvet takes a seat in a theatre, and an
anime film, surrealist style, begins.
Is it a film or a game, or an interactive film-game of the future?
The hero is middle-aged, carrying some extra weight and a gun. On
the bottom left of the landscape, the words Tierra del Fuego appear.
The music becomes ominous, to warn of imminent danger. Two figures
approach: one is a snarling dog, and the other is an old woman with
dark skin who seems to want to talk about something. Without
hesitation, the hero shoots the old woman. The hero made the right
selection, because the dog transforms into a beautiful white
princess. Together, they kick the corpse of the old woman, hold
hands, look into each other's eyes, and colourful fireworks explode.
In the aftermath, the landscape slowly transforms into a land of
rainbows and unicorns. In one version, the hero starts out as a
young, handsome guy, but test audiences seemed to prefer the version
where the hero himself transforms once the beautiful princess
Thanks, I like your name.
I don't like 'normal' names. I feel alienated when I have contact
with those who accept such names unconditionally. I don't like the
idea that the name you are given at birth by parents whose values,
beliefs and actions you don't accept or like is one you must be stuck
with and identified with for life. I respond better to chosen names,
yet people are so insistent that a 'real' name is the one you never
have a choice about.
Before we go any further, I am going to give you a link to my
Wow, kinda creepy, but also lightly inspirational. How
does it feel to have me observe you naked?
It doesn't really register. The info's been out there
for a long time, but I haven't received much direct feedback. I am
not immune to compliments or criticism, but I continue to express and
create without being consciously swayed by what others think of me,
because I can never be sure what others think of me.
I must say that you don't remind me of someone your age.
I hope that my wife is like you when she is your age.
Most people are uncomfortable with my Manifesto. The
Manifesto is extremely important to me. I do realize you do not like
my Manifesto without qualifications, and that your first impression
was that it was kinda creepy, but you seem to accept it as a valid
form of creative expression, and I appreciate that. So.. what would
you like to tell me about yourself?
I'm a writer, and I fit the diagnosis of many
personality disorders. I like video games and anime and I am
currently working on a few different writing projects.
The DSM will eventually be regarded as a document of
profound ignorance. I've had run-ins with young male writers online
Ha, what does that mean? Run-ins?
It means that while on one hand I want to support
young talent, on the other, most of the young males I encounter don't
really understand feminist principles or history, and think they love
women, when in actuality, they only love the ones who fit in certain
boxes, or are confined to a small section of the spectrum. It means
that intelligent males who have the power to shape the future might
be starting with unconscious prejudices that need to be
That's not me.
Do you want to let me know what you are working on at
A few different projects. It will take some time to
describe them for you, and I will soon send you a screenplay I'm
working on. But I'm not sure you understand some things. Are you
telling me you aren't aware that you're not like other women your
Kiro, we can kiss and make up. But first, come on now,
fess up, is your real purpose here to gather material?
No, I'm here because I'm lonely. Do you write?
I mostly just write emails and keep a journal. I have
this idea for a story about a middle-aged woman who travels to meet
many lonely men she has corresponded with online, for various types
of sexual interaction.
It's a terrible idea for a book, but an awesome idea for
a screenplay! Except that you have to change the main character to
one in her 20s, in order that audiences can really feel the magic.
Otherwise, people will not feel completely excited and inspired, the
main character will not be believable, and audiences will not be
mesmerized by her.
Thank U Drive Thru Please!
You have just demonstrated what it means to be ageist
and sexist without knowing it.
I'm not either, and if you knew me, or took the time to
get to know me, you'd see it.
I know it's a bad idea to throw terms like that
I can understand that you are a young guy who needs to make a living.
In your profile, you listed 'Independent' films as one of your
interests so I was a bit surprised that your screenplay would read as
catering to the mainstream. This is not necessarily a terrible thing.
I'm very aware of the realities of what the consuming public will pay
money to see (and what people are primed to want, both in an
evolutionary sense and in a culturally repetitive brainwashing
sense), but I think from time to time it doesn't hurt to examine the
status quo, and question it. This is partly how you change the world.
Is it a good thing when writers think only about what the majority
want to see, and not about anyone else? Doesn't this limit the
variety and scope of the imagination?
A writer must write from his own experience.
I can understand that, but have you met any
mesmerizingly hot young women who have travelled around the world to
meet an assortment of unemployed, depressed, insecure men in order to
have sex with those men? I'm not saying such females don't exist, but
it seems unlikely to me you have more experience with them than you
do with middle-aged, non-hot ones. I'm a middle-aged woman, and many
of the men from the Agency have expressed interest in a sexual visit
from me. You yourself admitted that you would do me. Were you just
trying to be kind? Do you think the other men I've had contact with
were just trying to be kind?
I'd be happy to have the opportunity to cross a cougar
off my fucket list. I think you know that, and that there are certain
realities in life.
I can see this conversation can only go around in
circles. I have tried to explain that I would like to see more
options for women in my age bracket than 'cougar', 'MILF', and
'granny porn'. It's not just because I am automatically disqualified
from two of those categories due to the fact I've never squeezed out
a sprog. I want to try to create my own category, but I guess I can't
expect others to support my efforts. And I do realize that if men
express sexual interest in me, it might partly be that they're
flattering me, or trying to keep me as a possibility in case the
young women they're really interested in reject them.
What do you think of this:
There's a billionaire who wants to use what he has to help the world.
He gives to charities, he gives until he has no more money, and
eventually he gives his organs. He gives everything he's got then he
dies. The moral of the story is that only a fool thinks he can change
the world. So what I'm trying to say to you is that it doesn't make
sense to feel bad if you can't help someone. Also, it's somewhat
egotistical to think you can make much of a difference.
I suppose what you are getting at is that asking
people to see older women and their sexuality differently is a lost
cause, and you yourself would not bother to donate to that
I think it's important to choose your battles. If you are going to
donate, or support, it's good to have a realistic understanding of
what can be accomplished. It is easy to become overwhelmed when
thinking about how many people in the world need help, and to try to
work out what you yourself 'deserve' or have 'earned'.
A way to make life more personally 'meaningful' is to carefully
choose those areas in which you think you can contribute, but not
expect overnight change. The important part is in choosing a course
of action that reflects your values and hopes, while deciding on the
limits of what it is acceptable for you to offer when it comes to
your time, energy, money, and lifeforce in the pursuit of
Er, isn't this the sort of thing writers can potentially do?
I think we have reached a kind of stalemate, and that we have
communicated all we can communicate to each other, for now.
And yes, I comprehend the reasons young women are so sexually
irresistible, and at the same time, when it comes to genetic, mental,
or psychological evolution, or any kind of evolution, mutation is the
I am mutant hear me roar.
Of course Velvet does not feel sure of herself, or self-righteous
or anything along those lines, and she kinda slinks away and gets
drunk. For a few months.
A desert planet with a pollution problem. Its surface appears to
be littered with an overabundance of underwear of differing styles,
colours and sizes, none of it clean.
It's been such a long time! You know, I was talking
to an old friend recently. I mentioned a St Exupéry quote.
It's about two old friends who haven't written to each other for many
years and the reason is that there is not much new to say - each is
just busy tending to his rose garden.
Wild roses in the Twilight Zone.
Hearing from you is always a surreal experience. After all this time,
all I really want to know is: what colour underwear do you have
I'm not wearing any.
Somehow that doesn't surprise me. Most males online
or on phones always seem to be naked from the waist down.
You're still such a fascinating specimen, but I know
you're dangerous. Right from the start, I can't help but think you're
testing me or trying to fuck with my head. I'm thinking St
Exupéry said something entirely different about roses. In one
way or another, this is likely to go the way it's always gone. It's
the same old song:
God is a voyeur/provocateur with an attachment disorder. He's a
control freak who suffers horribly from ennui. The roses are all the
same, etc, it's heartbreaking.
I think we're all caught up for now. I realize it is not likely to be
long before you're up to your usual tricks and you piss me off. But I
admit that I'd like to run something by you. I recently saw this
movie based on a real life story. It's about a blond American beauty
queen who I think also did nude modelling at one time. She falls in
love with this Mormon guy, but he goes overseas for more religious
training and doesn't even leave her a message. She thinks he has been
trapped by a cult and believes only she can rescue him. She hires a
team of bodyguards to kidnap him and take him to a safe place where
he can be deprogrammed. She ties him to a bed in a basement. He is
not allowed to wear underwear. She rapes him repeatedly, and feeds
him his favourite foods.
I was curious about you, but a little goes a long way. I'm no beauty
queen, but I think when I block you this time, I'd like to imagine
you tied without underwear to a bed in a dungeon, waiting for me
until the next time. It's probably going to be a few years.
Daliesque eyeballs, melted clocks, and canisters of coffee and tea
are suspended from the ceiling like piñatas. A couple of
blindfolded teens in trenchcoats come in with machine guns they
bought over the internet, and shoot the place up.
Hello Velvet! I am pleased to make your
acquaintance. I very much enjoyed your analysis of my favourite
I am a bit slow, as I am only now catching on to your
joke about Dali's hypnagogic period. I'm in mine now.
It sounds like you are quite a risk taker and adrenaline
junkie. You have a talent for conveying your adventures in an
entertaining and engaging manner. You always seem to be getting into
trouble, but maybe trouble finds you because she knows she will be
Is Velvet your real name?
Velvet is the name I have given to my vulva.
Forgive me for asking, Velvet, but am I talking to a
person or a vulva?
I'm not sure yet.
I am so terribly sorry, Sweetness. I will never
bring it up again.
Please don't apologize. We don't have to talk about it
now, but any time you want to, I think I would enjoy trying to
explore this topic. Also, I feel I must warn you that there's
something very strange about me. I'm trying very hard to just go with
the flow, and there is something about you that brings out something
less analytical and long-winded in me, but in my natural state, I
tend to make things very complicated. I am afraid I have trouble
controlling it. You are so sweet that I don't want to inflict it on
you, but I am afraid that eventually I will have no choice in the
I think I love you, Velvet!
So soon? I feel confused.
I'm sorry Velvet. I will never bring it up again.
I feel bad that I keep making you feel that everything
you do or say is wrong in some way. I fear that I am a bad
influence in your life. Your feelings are your feelings. I care about
your feelings, but I also want to understand them. Love is such a
confusing word, and it means vastly different things to different
About Love... I just would like a girlfriend with
the romance and fun that goes with it. Go places, different
countries, holidays, the usual stuff, you know, Baby. Somebody to
love and receive love back. Now, the big elephant in the room needs
to be tackled, hehehe !!! My letters never contain abuse or malice. I
am a 'simple' man with intelligence, who wants to stop this
harassment and start living again. Your letters give me a reality-check
to what I could be doing. About the emoticons, I just like to
use them and see them, they cheer me up, a simple thing I know but
there you are. Well, take care Velvet and I look forward to your
I realize I should probably accept the various hints
people give all along that they want to keep things simple, but it is
difficult to shut off the part of me that is curious about whether or
not a person wants to question their default position. In my Agency
profile, I wrote that I was looking for those who were interested in
and who cared about why people think, feel and behave as they do, and
it seems that this is something it is very difficult to find. And I
feel bad, because I don't want to tell people that what they want is
wrong - and I don't believe that what they want is wrong. At the same
time, I don't believe that what I want is wrong. But somehow, sorting
all of this out never seems to go very smoothly.
I have mentioned that I don't really want the things in life that
most people do, and I am realizing again through your response that I
might just be repeating a mistake that has been common in my life: I
am a lonely, isolated person and when I encounter another lonely,
isolated person, I sometimes start thinking about getting together
with that person, maybe because it seems that it would be better for
both of us to 'do something' to shake up our lives than not, even
though I realize we both want very different things.
You have listed many interests, including psychology, anatomy,
neurology, and art, but we have never explored any of these topics in
more than a passing way, which kind of confuses me.
You have commented that some people might say I am complex, but that
you do not mind that. I would like to find out if there is anyone who
actually looks for and enjoys my complexity, rather than finds it
something to tolerate, accept or be non-judgmental about. The
distinction is important, and represents a major struggle I have had
I hope 2015 is your year of progress Velvet.
One area in which I have continued to make progress
over the years involves speaking up for myself - articulating my
ideas and what is important to me. It can be difficult to know for
sure if I am making the compromises necessary for harmonious human
interaction, or staying silent in order to fit in better while
selling myself out or short. My Manifesto is important to me. Many
people I have known have been embarrassed by it, have hoped I'd grow
out of it, and have basically tried to ignore it, believing it
irrelevant to our interaction. I don't expect any person to be able
to go through all of it, and much of it is repetitive. I have tried
to express what I needed to express in other words for you
specifically, here in email. But, it is important to me that those
who are my friends understand what the Manifesto has meant to me.
You once said that you wanted me to be a normal person with hobbies
and interests, and my sense was that you thought that for me and all
people, positivity and a good outcome related to a certain kind of
involvement and level of involvement in society. This is a very
complex topic, and I am wary of giving you the wrong impression by
not discussing the issues, while at the same time not wanting to
overload you with too much. It seems to me that what you want me to
be is something I'm not, and I wonder if I have done something bad
in letting things continue this long.
Your approach is basically optimistic, and hopeful, and in
conversation you strive to maintain a kind of harmony in line with
your beliefs and ideals. In contrast, my approach to communication
tends to be about focusing on the complications in human relating,
and trying to understand them. This is a genuine interest in life for
me. Just as I could not say that it would be accurate to describe my
mind as 'tranquil', it would be inaccurate to describe myself as
'alright'. It all becomes very complex, because even these simple
statements contain a lot of possible implications. I don't wish to
inflict this sort of thing on others whose needs and desires differ,
and I don't want to inflict unnecessary disharmony on anyone. I just
do my thing, trying to assess what people are interested in or open
to. I realize that you have given me enough indication through your
responses that what interests me doesn't really interest you. I need
to stress that I do not think of this as a failing on your part. I
care about what is right for you as an individual, even if it means
that I understand it is in your best interests to consider me an
unhealthy influence in your life. You have a right to set limits or
to hold out for the kind of treatment in relationships that is right
Pay attention to how you feel right now. I feel incredibly self-conscious
about rambling on and on. Does this message leave you with
bad feelings, a sense of dread, the feeling that you have done
something wrong, a feeling of insecurity about the stability of our
friendship? Is your inclination to try to smooth things over as soon
as possible, to reassure me that all is fine, in the hopes that I go
back to being the Velvet you recognize soon, the Velvet who writes in
a more light and friendly way? Do you think of that Velvet as the
'real me', while this one today (and the one who wrote the Manifesto)
is perhaps just a more melancholy and negative blip?
I hope you are alright. All I can say is you are a
complex, idiosyncratic human being just like myself. We will discuss
the psychology of thought, language and behaviour when I am better.
Now my gate is up and locked I thought no one could get to the back
of my house - I was wrong. The asshole tapped my window 3 times
waking me up in the early morning - I hope he gets cancer of the
rectum ! hehehe !!! Now read this carefully baby please. You and your
letters have kept me alive ! That is the truth ! You never depress me
okay ? You are my diamond in this crazy world. Do not forget
It is a big responsibility to keep another person
alive, through letter writing, or any other method! Hopefully there
is something inside you that wants to live and thrive, no matter
what, even if something happens to me. As for your intruder, it is
good to see that individual's persistence isn't getting you down.
I hope you are alright. I am sorry to have said
you are keeping me alive, that was maybe the wrong way to express my
gratitude to you. What I meant was your letters of support are
invaluable to me in my struggle against my enemies. I do want to
live and love this life, eventually with someone special. You
are the best friend I have ever had Velvet. I want to be there
for you as well. I will do my best to not be so daunting in
Is the intruder pestering you every day? I am
wondering if the change in my messages has somehow coincided with
increased activity on his part. I am afraid it is a very stressful
time for you. I am not sure how this will come across, but I am sad
to hear that I am the best friend you have ever had. You are a really
lovely person, as well as a caring and sensitive friend, and it seems
tragic to me that you haven't experienced more complete friendship
and attentiveness than I have offered.
I hope your day is going well. This is my honesty -
I want to relocate to Australia and be with you Velvet. I am smitten
by you. I adore you. I am so happy you are part of my life and I
would love you to play a bigger part in my life. You are not an
unhealthy energy in my life. You are a positive source of
Have a lovely day, Velvet! You have made me so happy by writing to
me. I can hardly wait until I hear from you again.
Thank you for being open about what you are hoping
for. I have wondered how my communication has been interpreted. I
don't want you to have the wrong impression about what our meeting
would mean. When I think of us meeting, I think of us as friends, and
not as romantic partners. I realize that you might wonder if
communication would be easier in person, and move to a new level, but
when communication is not psychologically in-depth enough for me (for
a romantic relationship) before meeting, it usually doesn't progress
to that stage after meeting. I have perhaps wished to be more
romantic in my life, but I think I have to face that at the core I
might be realistic and practical. Aside from the difficulties
involved with moving countries, I myself am not committed to living
my life long term, and I'm not someone who believes a relationship
would change that.
Hello sunshine, hope you are having a nice day. I
care about you Velvet, that is why I mentioned your health. You are
very intelligent and an adult so I will not bring up the topic again.
Self-esteem is important as well as self-confidence, I understand
that. You take as much time out as you need, I will be here.
There has been a serious misunderstanding. I have been
trying for some time to clear it up, but it looks like I have failed
in my efforts.
When you say you will never bring up my health again, you are saying
that you feel you can't have a discussion with me about something
controversial, and that you believe avoiding certain topics is the
way to go when it comes to preserving the friendship. Your position
is exactly what is driving me away. I am looking for discussion that
I can find challenging and stimulating. I have put an incredible
amount of effort into expressing myself and explaining in detail why
the mainstream positions regarding health and body weight might not
make sense in my case. I am still waiting for someone to challenge
what I have said in ways that show they have absorbed what I have
expressed. I do not have the impression that you have understood what
I have expressed.
I can't keep doing this to myself. I want to feel understood. I need
to seek friends who have a need to participate in a more in-depth way
in the friendship.
It's not a matter of taking time away. I do not think our
incompatibility can be resolved. You are a kind, friendly, generous
soul, and you deserve to have friends who fully appreciate you. My
suggestion is that we both try to reach some kind of resolution which
involves looking directly at the problem and making a decision to let
each other go.
I accept that what I want and need in interaction differs from
what most people want and need. However, I don't think it's good for
my self-esteem to continue to have contact with those who don't truly
value my individuality. Is it good for your self-esteem that I so
often seem to be complaining in one way or another that our
communication is lacking something essential?
If you wish to reply, I will carefully consider what you send. I
am unlikely to leave you hanging if there is anything I feel you need
a response to. However, I think for myself it is going to be better
to take some time away from being 'Velvet'. At present, I can't
compartmentalize.. I need cohesion, integration, I need the whole.
As always, I wish you health, happiness and love.
Hello Sunshine, hope you have had a nice day. As
regards to the way you feel about our communication, that is up to
you. I will not comment on your health. I will say this though. If
you decide you do not wish to reply, I will accept that but wish you
You are an exceptionally kind, accepting and polite
person. I think it is possible that the intruder has increased the
harassment due to my influence. I keep bringing up the psychological
complications that disturb your efforts to achieve the kind of
tranquility and balance that are important to you. You want this not
to be true, and I keep wanting to be challenged and stimulated, with
the result that neither of us can be satisfied.
An antique computer, circa 1996-8, a 686 clone. Is that Netscape?
A manuscript is displayed on the monitor:
Scorin' With Depressed Guys
Velvet doesn't have time to read this now. She suspects it is some
kind of propaganda piece or answer to the infamous Scorin' With Depressed
Chicks (by ++LAYO and ++DR ROCKET.) Velvet decides she will
try to get to it later. For some reason it occurs to her that it's
been a while since she last checked out alt.suicide.holiday,
but she is not sure why. For now, she must attend to a few
Hey, I don't mean to be impatient, but did you
get my message yet?
I liked your message a lot, and I can understand that
it would feel more special if I could say immediately that you stand
out to me and I'm ready to drop everyone else and concentrate on you,
but I've been at this intergalactic relating agency for a couple of
months now, and at the moment I am corresponding with about 35 other
people. I know how that sounds, but most of the time I live like a
hermit. When it rains, it pours. And your message was pretty intense
and I'm going to have to concentrate to give you a reply that factors
in your individuality and is not just some automated response from
the Amazing Velbot.
Hello, is anybody there??
It hasn't been 24 hours yet. I do intend to reply.
I read your Manifesto and it got me hot. You and
I have a lot in common, or at least not much in common with the
neurotypicals. But I must warn you that I start out charming as hell,
I might even compliment you profusely before I start to see all the
reasons it couldn't possibly work out between us, I experience doubts
and then start to fear rejection and before long I'll be insulting
you so as to put an end to the whole thing before you can reject
I've sent a few detailed replies now. I have taken
your warning into consideration, but wonder, if you know that's how
it will be, is there any chance you could do or see it differently
this time? Maybe you're actually quite good at recognizing when
someone can't meet your needs, and your process is in a way quite
efficient. Maybe instead of you insulting me, we could just agree
that we're looking for different things, and go our separate
Is there any chance we could dispense with all
this chitchat and just meet IRL? Most of the Agency regulars are in
other countries, whereas you and I live fairly close. How am I
supposed to know you are who you say you are? Couldn't you just show
me your tits so I will know whether it's worth investing any more
I suppose this is a horribly sexist remark, but what I
find is that once males know I accept their penis, whether they
think it's small, a bit slow on the uptake, has unusual markings or
suffers from a non-typical condition of some kind, that is, if they
are insecure about this particular appendage, they are usually good
to go once they receive an enthusiastic reply. That's pretty much
the only obstacle to prepare them for sex. Sometimes they have other
appearance issues that are similarly cleared up. But, when it comes
to putting themselves in women's shoes, they seem to have
considerably more trouble, no matter how much personal insecurity
they themselves have endured.
The internet is not The Real World. You don't
really think I'd be as much of an asshole IRL, do you?
I know it's a drag, but I'm kind of scared by your
tone and your impatience, and I'm kind of a mess about my appearance
and I don't think I can just snap out of it.
Translation.. the price for sex with you is
I admit it's kind of funny when you put it that way,
and I do have to laugh at myself. But not exactly. I do long for an
extreme death, a big death, not just a little one, but I try to
remain sexually flexible, and open to other aspects of the unknown.
It's pretty much just what I said: in order to be open to sex, I need
to be able to feel comfortable with someone.
I have never seen so much pseudointellectual
garbage in one place. You are quite possibly the most long-winded,
boring, humorless, self-obsessed, self-pitying nitwit I've ever had
the misfortune to encounter.
I think there are many who share your opinion.
So lighten the fuck up. And BTW, I don't want
you to kill yourself, although it's pretty obvious you never will.
And BTW, your Manifesto fucking sucks.
You warned me this would happen, so it's pretty
difficult to feel too put out by it. I have a choice as to whether to
hang in there and try to understand or not, but as with many of my
interactions, it doesn't feel 'equal' enough. I think I would have to
be pretty thick-skinned and that I would end up putting more effort
into understanding you than you could reciprocate.
WTF does that have to do with anything? You
have no idea how much anger and pain I have to live with on a daily
basis, and how hard it is to function or even communicate at all
under all that constant, unrelenting pressure. I'm going to block
you and I suggest you do the same to me.
You won't see this, but I will take you at your word.
I do think this process was extraordinarily efficient. We managed to
get through an entire relationship in less than 48 hours, and I'm
already able to see the humour in it.
Pretty young women at a mall in pastel colours, all carrying
pastel-coloured shopping bags. The ambiance is kinda like a breath
mint commercial. Note: In the 1990s, plastic bags were still in
Velvet, it's so easy to talk to you. Most people
are so judgmental.
I tried out what you suggested, but I probably didn't
do it right.
With much enthusiasm:
What did you use?
I used a plastic bag. But, to be honest I think I
managed to reach orgasm in spite of it and not because of it. I think
I can probably have an orgasm in almost any circumstances, if I
really, really concentrate. I know the point is that it's supposed to
intensify the experience, but it was just a normal orgasm.
You should try it again. When I do it, it's so
intense that I can cum without even touching myself.
Is that with a bag, or mainly with hanging?
Hanging. I've been taking more and more risks, and
even have my hands fastened in such a way that I have to try to get
out of it in time, like a magician. I could die, but if I die this
way, I will die happy.
I know we both accept the premise that a person's life
and choices belong only to that person, and that in some
circumstances suicide can be a valid option, but I am worried about
you, and wonder if you want to talk about anything.
I'm a disappointment to my family. I can never do
anything right, but more than that, I don't really want to do what
other people want me to do. I want to keep doing what I'm doing, and
I want to die doing it. I have felt this way for a long time. I just
want to have someone to do it with. If you'd come out here, I'd take
you out on the boat to that island I told you about. There's a good
support there, and we can hang side by side.
I'd kind of want to make a final statement, add
something on to my Manifesto, make it creative.
Could you dye your hair blond again?
You're one of the only people I know who actually
likes me with blond hair.
I think you're really cool. I hope you're not
scared by the idea of being alone with me, with me being so much
bigger than you.
Ack! I am one of the most uncool people who ever
existed. Would you know how to make sure the ropes would work
with my weight, and that for both of us it would lead to death and
not just erotic asphyxiation? I'm sorry if these are stupid
I weigh twice what you do, or more, but no, it
wouldn't be a problem for me at all. I've been doing this for a long
time, and I know a lot about it.
So you'd pick me up at the airport, and then we'd
just go out alone on the boat to the island together?
Yes. It will be so cool, so perfect.
I want to apologize if it seems I have led you on. I
asked a lot of questions because I was extremely curious about all of
this. I can't seem to help overcomplicating everything. You and I
mainly chat in a very social kind of way, and I find it very easy to
do, but I have this wish to connect on more levels.
That's no problem. Any time you change your mind,
I'm ready to go.
Can you send me the bag?
Insistent knocking and phone ringing. Velvet is pulled by the arm
into a train compartment that looks like a teenage boy's bedroom
which has been decorated with posters of naked women and a large
supply of condoms. As for the latter, some are in big bowls, some are
displayed in little arcs and scallops like decorations for a party,
and some have been scattered like rose petals on the bed that has a
race car bedspread. It is difficult to make out, because of the
knocking and ringing, but we hear some kind of public service
announcement, articulated in gentle, soothing tones:
Intimacy is about being emotionally close to your partner, about
being able to let your guard down, and let him or her know how you
really feel. Intimacy is also about being able to accept and share in
your partner's feelings, about being there when he/she wants to let
their defences down.
To be able to share our 'inner-world' with a partner we love, and to
be able to share our partner's experiences, is one of the most
rewarding aspects of a relationship.
Intimacy often doesn't need words, but being able to put feelings and
experiences into words makes intimacy more likely to occur. Intimacy
involves being able to share the whole range of feelings and
experiences we have as human beings - pain and sadness, as well as
happiness and love.
This message of love has been brought to you by
The knocking, ringing and reciting stop.
Vlad, I meant what I said. I think it's time to
break up again, and I'd prefer that you don't call or show up
unannounced. Don't call me; I'll call you, that kind of thing.
Vlad the Impaler:
Hun, if I left it up to you, you'd never
Why is it so difficult for you to accept that Vlad and
Attila were never meant to be a couple?
Vlad the Impaler:
How can you be so calm about it? Did you
ever love me at all??
We've been through all this. Of course I did, and I
still love you now. We're just a disaster as a couple. Your
persistence wears me down, for some reason I can't resist, we have
sex, fight, have sex again, fight again, until I inevitably call time
out, but the pattern just looks insane. I always want things to reach
some new level, I can sense that there might be more to 'love' than
this, but we just go around in the same circles, over and over.
You've had a massive impact on my life. Most people are so polite and
civilized, including me before I met you, that you probably couldn't
cut through all the layers of social conditioning with a chainsaw.
You're like a Super-Chainsaw. You're very effective. You are
constantly pushing buttons, transgressing boundaries, trampling on
the rules and regulations of Common Decency. You're the kind of guy
who would find it amusing to meet the Dalai Lama just so you could
fart in his presence. You made me think.
I know many people would be shocked by The Chart, but I saw it as
evidence of how exceptional you were. I understand the need to keep
that kind of thing under wraps, because most people would be
seriously offended.. but the sheer number of conquests, and the
variety of sexual acts.. truly astounding! And I know that you showed
me because you wanted me to see the genius and daring in it, and I
did. I knew you not only flirted with everyone, you were compelled to
see how far you could follow through on the reactions you elicited. I
had no illusions about this. I knew this was going on. You even
came on to others when I was present. No one was off-limits, nothing
was sacred. Best friends, sisters, mothers, grandmothers. Casually
allowing your doctor to see your boner. I am not sure why, but it
just seemed to make sense to me. It seemed to me that you were who
you were, and rather than try to change it, I tried to appreciate it.
I'm just not sure we have anything more to impart to each other. We
both need to extricate ourselves and move on to new adventures. I
think I would like to know what it's like to be with someone who
cares more about other people's feelings, including mine. I'd rather
that you're honest than that you tell me what you think I want to
hear, but my skin is not so thick that it's easy for me that you are
always managing to find some way to criticize my looks and pretty
much everything about me. I know your father taught you that that it
was necessary to instill self-doubt in women in order that they never
have the upper hand, and that it keeps them coming back for more.
It's possible that in the future, if anyone compliments me, I'll
always be wondering if they are just saying what they think I want to
hear, or what they think they're supposed to say, when really their
assessments are similar to yours. I'm not sure if that's a good thing
or a bad thing, but I really don't think there's any way back to the
blue pill. Your seduction moves stopped working; it's like over time
I became desensitized.
Most women still seem to hope for a marriage proposal or declaration
of commitment. You have helped me to see that there are many males
who propose marriage, hoping the woman is going to say no, and that
they even count on her to do so.
Vlad the Impaler:
I don't think the thing with you and
Gandhi is going to last, and when you were younger, I think you'd
already have gotten bored. I don't think you'll get any startling
revelations out of him.
Factoring in my experiences with you, and a few
others, it's like there's this perilous imbalance, kind of like a
nutritional deficiency that needs to be addressed by superloading the
missing nutrients. Or, it's like needing antivenom before I can
recover and be on my way again. Or it's that I need to explore some
other kind of cognitive dissonance.
I can't deny that you have influenced and even inspired me, or that
through my experiences with you I learned what 'good sex' was, and
how difficult it is to find. But I don't know if I can be sentimental
about it, even if I know that I probably haven't been as intimate
with any other person. I'm more complicated now, so becoming intimate
with someone is more difficult. I don't fantasize about going back to
that time, though. I always knew I needed something more, and
somehow I haven't managed to totally kill the hope that something
more does exist.
You don't have to worry that if you're ever famous I will sell your
old love letters for cash. When I realized you were worried about
that, I burnt them all. I haven't kept anything you ever gave me. The
most important parts of what you gave and what we shared are what
stay with me over time. At least that's the theory.
A Post-Apocalyptic McDonald's. Velvet and Gandhi have the place to
themselves, but it seems to take them longer than it should to
realize they don't have to stay in their own little
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
I was given this number and told to
call it. Do you know why? Is this some kind of practical
Basically, Vlad is super-annoyed by your passivity,
and mine. He knows you haven't gotten laid or even been on a date in
4 years, and when I told him that I'd had a major crush on you during
those few months when we were all hanging out in your loft, you know,
in the days of The Chart, it looks like his reaction was to do
something 'altruistic'. You know how he is.
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
Do you want to go out for a coffee?
I don't drink coffee yet. Do you?
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
No, but I'm not used to asking anyone
out and that was the first thing that came to mind.
OK, let's do it.
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
How's Saturday night?
That's four days from now. That's fine. I'll see you
Two days later...
Hi Gandhi. I've been thinking. I don't really drink
coffee. Do you like The Simpsons? Well, I could just get on a
streetcar now and we could watch it together at your place.
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
When we last saw each other, you were punk and I was
just wishing I had a more extreme look and now I'm the one with dyed
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
You look cool. I had to change for the
job at the bank. Plus, my mom was constantly hassling me, and was
worried I was on drugs or something.
I admit that I kind of wish it could be like when we
met years ago. I wish you were unemployed, and we could just sit
around listening to records. I have to warn you that I don't want to
live very long. I'd be happiest if I could fall madly, passionately
in love, maybe go on a trip, and then die with someone. That is what
I really want, and it would make me happy. I think it's extremely
unlikely I'll ever have a job or want a normal life, or stop wanting
to die, until I'm dead. I know that's a lot to accept, and I don't
expect you to accept it.
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
I know for sure that I want to be
with you, until you die or I do.
Some years go by.
I think our junk food and tv addictions are a bit like
a suburban heroin thing, but you know, a lot less glamorous. And I
know that in order to work in the bank you can't look like Sid, and I
know that I've never been cool enough to pull off Nancy, or any other
punk/goth/whatever look. And I know maybe it seems superficial, but
when I was totally sexually obsessed with you, I think it was because
you looked punk and were unemployed and lived only to buy
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
I love you, Sugarplum. You are so
beautiful, and so incredibly intelligent. I can't imagine life
without you. If you left me, I would just crawl under the covers,
shrivel up and die.
Gandhi, what do you want out of life?
Gandhi the Punk Rocker:
I want someone to love, someone to
watch tv with.
I still can't help wanting the kind of life that
could be on tv.
You are on tv. In an infinite universe, every person has
their own tv show, and fans in some galaxy somewhere. No one in this
galaxy seems to be aware that everyone in this galaxy has their own
tv show. You have all the time in the worlds! You can choose to
watch, or put yourself into the experience of living every single
person's life. What an exciting and potentially educational way to
live out one's infinite existence! Stay tuned for important updates
regarding intergalactic piracy laws.
Most of the time, it seems like I am going on and on
about something, and while you never roll your eyes or yawn or seem
impatient or bored or annoyed, and you keep telling me how smart I
am, I admit that I wish you could participate more in discussion. We
don't seem to argue about anything, having you here is probably
similar to being on antianxiety medication, and maybe most people
would think I'm ungrateful and negative for feeling there is
something missing, but what I said when we first got together still
holds. Love hasn't changed how I feel about living my life. I think
if all it took was love, patience and time, then something would
have changed by now. I know the right thing is to let you go.
I do admit that it has not been easy for me that you let me take the
fall for you-know-what. I was always open with you about my
philosophies and behaviour, so I didn't exactly behave hypocritically
whereas you weren't able to let me know what was going on with you
until a crisis achieved critical mass. And because of how it all
'looked', not how it actually 'was', everyone took your side - your
family, my family, an entire social group - and I pretty much had no
recourse but to flee the country.
Still, I do get that most people secretly want to leave it all behind
and start again somewhere new, and so I get that it probably doesn't
exactly seem to any of you that I was exiled. I do think I appreciate
the opportunity I have been given, and I am trying to make the most
of it. The way it all came down wasn't so much fun, but it does seem
that it all worked out for the best.
Peace & Love.
Velvet is reading a dating profile that includes an elaborate
mystical stream-of-consciousness type of ramble. She is really in the
mood for this kind of thing! Alas, it doesn't take long for Velvet to
What I'm Looking For in a Significant Other:
Velvet checks what she wrote about herself in her own profile,
then examines a personal message from the new prospect whose profile
she read and looks puzzled. She goes back and rereads his profile,
just to be sure.
When can we meld?
When I am young and small.
You're wicked smart, I can tell. The rest doesn't
matter, as I consider myself to be a sapiosexual. A sapiosexual
orientation is one that means you're attracted to intelligence over
One out of three ain't bad?
A high school science lab. Teenage girls sit at a lab table;
Velvet is the least hot of the three. There are two boys at the table
behind them. One of the boys notices that the three girls seem to be
squeamish about dissecting a worm, and so when the teacher is not
looking, he gallantly and deftly gets the job done for them. The bell
rings, and students begin to leave the room.
You shouldn't have had to do that, but thank you.
Shyly and awkwardly:
Would you mind taking your glasses off?
Alchemist: Fumbles, takes them off.
Looks at him intently. Then, matter-of-factly:
You're very good-looking.
The Alchemist blushes.
What are you thinking about?
Velvet looks him over from head to toe, in a rather suggestive
Will you go with me?
Velvet laughs and is immediately horrified by this reaction on her
part. She recalls a scene from when she was younger when her
stepbrother asked her to go with him, and she replied, 'Go with you
where?', and while at first it was all quite innocent, as she had
never heard that phrase before, it became a kind of 'Who's on first?'
situation, in which she deliberately provoked him and avoided his
question. Come to think of it she now feels pretty bad about behaving
like an asshole to her stepbrother too, and this adds to the tension
of the present situation. In Velvet's defense I would like to say
that she was never actually fond of 'going with' anyone, and probably
only managed that once or twice in her life, and in one case, the guy
was extremely persistent and asked her like a 100 times or so,
approaching it from different angles, until he finally wore her down,
but even then, he first asked her out on a date before focusing on
commitment. Also in Velvet's defense: at school dances, she danced
with everyone who asked her, including non-athletic types with BMIs
well over 30, and yes this does include slow dances.
When she went home that night, she cried for an hour. Her verbal and
social skills were not sufficiently advanced that she could take on
the task of rectifying the situation the next day.
Many years later, long after Velvet has moved away.
Why did you say no?
I didn't know yet that you were my type. You probably noticed that I
seemed to be attracted to those who actually looked a lot like you,
but unlike you weren't impressed by my academic achievements.
After I moved away, I became obsessed with you. I've probably had
more sexual fantasies about you than any other person, ever. That was
probably because I hadn't fulfilled the 'potential' that had
originally attracted you, and I sensed that you would no longer look
at me with admiration.
I'm not sure this pattern is as self-defeating as it might appear at
first glance. I needed to challenge all of the default
Nowadays, if I received a Valentine signed 'anonymous', I'd be likely
to read a lot more into it.
Velvet looks out the window and sees a framed painting that
reminds her of a scene from L'Age D'Or - the one where the cow is in
bed. A glass of liquid appears on a train table. It looks like milk
and honey. There is a little handwritten note which
Drink This, and Think.
Velvet addresses the empty car:
Is this soy milk?
She receives no reply, but drinks the contents of the glass.
Within moments she begins to experience hallucinations. She follows a
trail of an iridescent milklike fluid that also resembles semen to a
plain door on which is written:
She enters the compartment and discovers that it is decorated in
red and black colours and has an intense and sexy ambiance. The car
is divided by a glass partition, and the glass isn't completely
transparent. She can see a man in a black dressing gown, but it is
difficult to make him out. She reads the profile that has been placed
on one of the seats. Did he write it? Maybe when he speaks there will
be some surreal effect, like his image 'rippling', or the mouth
seeming to move at a different speed from the speech, but with
nothing quite in focus. There are no train seats on his side. He
appears to be trapped in a red and black cell. There is a black desk,
and on the desk there is a smart phone. Velvet sees that on her side,
a smart phone has been made available for her use.
I am completely fascinated and captivated by
you. You are so mysterious. I looked through the entire inventory of
the intergalactic relating agency in this galaxy, and to me, you
stood out. I could not take my eyes off of you. I could see clearly
we were looking for different things, and yet, I still could not
control the compulsion to contact you. I see that you are in a much
more optimistic state than I am, but I can't deny the feeling of
attraction. I find the way you write about sex, lovemaking and
surrealism unusually compelling, and I can't get it out of my head. I
wish that if anyone had ever felt this for me that they would have
expressed it, and that is why I am expressing it to you. I hope at
least you might feel flattered.
I feel overwhelmed.
That is perfectly understandable. I have done this so
many times that by now I should be smart enough to approach it
(After a two month silence.)
I awoke today with the most powerful erection. I feel
instinctually that you understand.
This is the most exciting message I have ever
received. I can't tell you how I have longed for such a moment. But I
must confess that because I believed you were not interested, I
pursued 55 other leads. And currently I think I am emotionally
entangled with someone, and so while I can't deny that your message
excites me intensely, it results in major confusion for me. I need
some time to think.
Fox: (Two month silence.)
I want to offer an explanation, maybe for myself more
than for you. It's going to be long, and mostly about the days,
hours, minutes, seconds, that I have spent fantasizing about what it
would be like to make love with you.
I am so fucking enraged! I compiled a response at least
as long as yours, but my fucking phone lost it! Can we IM?
I'm scared, but yes, we can IM. Hi.
Hi Velvet. I need to pee and then I'm going to take a
OK, I'll wait.
15 minutes later
Velvet, I am out of the shower now, and I feel great. I
want you to suck my cock.
I'm not quite ready for that, although I do realize
that considering what I wrote it might make sense that you'd think
I'd be immediately ready for any and all sexual acts. I think the
issue is that I 'needed' a considered response in text, or that I
needed you to verbally address at least a little of what I wrote. I
know that you lost your response to me, and I am trying to read your
mind, but I feel like I need the words. I apologize if I have given
you the wrong impression. I tried not to do that.
Please, please, Velvet, suck my cock. I need it so
I really like you and find you intriguing, but I
needed more of a response to that long passionate declaration I sent.
I think I need a little more 'romance' or psychological intrigue
mixed in with the sex. Maybe you would have liked me when I was
younger. I was less analytical then, and tried to just go with
things, and maybe I was better able to accept that all love and all
sex are part of one energy, that we are all connected. I'm in a
different phase now and I don't know how to snap out of it.
(Another two months.)
I crave love and acceptance. I need and require nurturing
and affection, closeness and intimacy daily. And it hurts so bad that
I am not getting what is fundamental, essential. What I really feel
I need is an Adult Nursing Relationship.
I looked it up online, and I'm surprised I hadn't
heard more about it before. To me it seems like something that might
gain a much wider acceptance in the future. There are some taboos,
but it seems like a very strong emotional and chemical bond is formed
between the participants. How long will it be before people realize
that breast milk could very well be the next 'super food' with
amazing health benefits for adults as well as children? I was
surprised to read that without implants, a woman in this type of
relationship can go up one or two cup sizes, and that even women past
menopause can produce milk if regular suckling occurs for a long
enough duration each day, at regular times.
I think you realize that for a 'successful' breastfeeding
relationship to occur, we would have to spend many weeks together,
and that once the process is started, I could experience reactions
that could result in much discomfort for me if you are not there to
provide relief. I know there are different levels/stages to achieve,
but to have an ongoing breastfeeding relationship, a very great
commitment is required from both parties.
Realistically, when it comes to how much time I need to spend on my
own, and how difficult it is for me to adhere to any kind of strict
schedule, I am not sure that it would ever make sense for me to
attempt this kind of relationship. I am curious about it in a
scientific sense, as it is quite extraordinary that if a schedule is
adhered to, if certain actions are performed regularly, the female
body responds by producing milk over time. I don't know if my
curiosity goes much beyond that.
I haven't experienced any kind of sex, stimulation, touching, in some
time, but do I really want to go this far, to get some nipple
stimulation? I mean, is that how my sex- starved brain will process
it? Would it be an equal relationship? Would I mainly be pleased at
first at being able to provide you with what you wanted, or would I
respond emotionally, and psychologically? Is this something that
would address my issues, or would the source of my pleasure be mainly
in pleasing you?
Part of what a mother experiences is the emotional bond she forms
with her child, and also a sense of nourishing her child, but another
important part is that over time, she observes her child's
development, and perhaps can experience a sense of pride or personal
pleasure in what she has contributed. In an adult breastfeeding
relationship, it would seem that both parties would try to maintain a
certain phase, prolong it, indefinitely, with no further development
or personal evolution. I am not sure that this is a psychosexual
headspace I could inhabit for long, although I realize that I can't
know for sure if I haven't tried.
I suppose you are wondering if I might be more likely to be open to
this because I have never had children and this might satisfy a
primal urge, as well as provide us both with the intimacy and
closeness we crave. I don't have any conscious regrets in not having
children, and I think it is possible that I have sublimated the
maternal instinct into caring for wildlife. I think
want a more equal relationship, not one in which I will have to be a
parent in perpetuity, but I am honestly trying to think about what
you have proposed.
I also realize that you have a wide range of other needs, which
includes but is not limited to vaginal and anal intercourse,
penetration with a strap-on, oral-genital stimulation, oral-anal
stimulation, a variety of activites with sex toys, and
You seem very adventurous and open, and I admit that I kind of like
the idea of a 'sex holiday', in which I try out as much as possible,
but I can't say I know for sure I would be comfortable enough to go
this far with you. What makes sense to me is that we either agree to
meet with no expectations, and try to see it as a kind of adventure,
something we both need, and not even expecting that the meeting would
have sexual results, or, we perhaps try to let each other go, let
each other be free to find something closer to what we are looking
for. I realize I could set either option in motion, and yet I seem
paralyzed, unable to make a decision.
Would you feel comfortable making love with me?
Right now? I don't think so, but I don't think I would
be comfortable with anyone immediately.
I wasn't expecting the question and I will admit that I did get a
rush reading it.
How in the world do I break from a woman who affects me
so, as you do? How do I break and move on from a woman that I feel so
much for, who is so uniquely attractive and stimulating. How in the
world am I to find another woman like you? There is no other woman
You literally make my mind cum.
I find you so incredibly exciting. You are the most exciting and
interesting woman that I have ever known. And you literally blow my
I believe as a woman, you may be turned off by a man like me who
expresses so much want and need for you.
It is really a surreal experience to be confronted
with a statement like this and it has caused me to question
I am so often fantasizing about exactly what you have written above,
so it seems extremely bizarre that I would not recognize it if it
In theory, I want more than anything to be wanted, I want to be the
object of obsession, not just the obsessed one.
I know it's not fair to you, but although I think you are sincere and
mean what you say, I have trouble really believing it in such a way
that I can feel it.
Hold on a second, I'm having a problem with my phone.
Do you have anything else you can use?
My mom's computer.
If someone came to visit you, do you think you would
feel uncomfortable if your mom was home?
As you know, I'm in my 50s, and my mom is getting on
in years. I let her come live with me so that I could help her. We
could go into my room and close the door. I keep the door to my room
shut most of the time anyway, to keep her cat out.
How easy is it to borrow your mother's car on short
Can we talk by phone? If not, I will continue to send
you messages through IM.
Is your phone working again?
I can use my mom's.
Once that is sorted..
Every time that I think of you I will want and need to 'cum.'
And it is literally painful and yet so beautiful at the same
Where did you come from?
Where are we going?
Where are you taking me?
I am frightened. I am elated.
I am deeply troubled. I want to cry.
I want you to hold me. I want you to let me go.
I want your love. I want your milk.
I want to lay with you. I want to nurse you.
I want to nurse from you.
I want to taste your sweet warm milk in my mouth, but I know that I
I want the bond with you that I know and realize that I cannot
Why do I feel the need to say and tell you so much?
Why do I feel so guilty and so ashamed to tell you things that I know
to be beautiful and so truthful?
Is it because I know we cannot share these things? I think
I wish to be your lover. I want to be inside of you. You are inside
of me. You feel so good and you feel so painful.
And I don't know which one is worse.
Messages sent while you were out:
I read the message you sent about the dream you had. Two
'locks.' The locks to both your heart and mind? As for the 'keys' to
which these 'locks' belong; I think that you had lost them a long
time ago. But you had not counted on someone who could 'pick' these
'locks' and open them.
I may have indeed projected my wish onto you because you're such a
unique and beautiful person who is so kind and so gentle. So caring
and compassionate and so very desirable. You're like the sweetest
fruit that is oh so juicy and tastes so incredibly delicious in my
You are so incredibly sweet. I have such an unquenchable thirst for
you. My passion and desire for you is so strong and so very hard to
break. I have a love for you that exists so far beyond body and mind.
I have a very deep love and passion for your warm beautiful
And I find you so passionately erotic and stimulating.
There is so much that I love about you, and it will take some time to
break from you. It may even take an eternity.
Every time you pop into my mind, you give me such an incredibly
strong erection both emotionally and sexually.
You send these powerfully emotional and sexually stimulating charges
through me when I think of you, and my penis will just begin to grow
so hard and so fast. And I will just lay here and fantasize about
about you so deeply. You blow my mind like an ever powerful
It is literally mind blowing. Euphorically.
And then this still will come over me, and I am lost. Lost to
whatever emotions and thought that had taken me to this unearthly
plain. And everything is so quiet. I have 'cum.'
And it takes me awhile to come down.
It is like being reborn again in a way I have never felt before.
Still me, still suffering all that I suffer, but reborn again in some
different way. A way in which I cannot describe.
Beautiful, yet painful.
Why did you come to me?
In the overall sense, I feel scared, because I do not
feel I am emotionally connecting. I am not sure I can believe the
compliments are on the level, because they're so extreme, even though
I like things that are extreme and unreasonable and I find it
pleasing and fun to read your messages. I admit I'm wondering if it's
like in the fable about the fox and the crow, where the fox flatters
the crow by telling her he wants to hear her sing because she has
such a lovely voice. I am sorry that I am so distrustful. Usually, I
can only absorb enough about a person's communication and behaviour
patterns over time such that in time I can begin to trust that person
and our ability to resolve trust and communication issues together.
I find it extremely difficult to admit this, but I am not sure how
anything you have said applies to me specifically. It seems to me
that it would work equally well for any woman who fancies herself
When I sent the link to my Manifesto, I realized it was a lot to
inflict on you. I didn't expect you to be able to look over the whole
thing, but I admit it's kind of puzzling that you haven't been able
to respond to any part of it in a specific way. It hurts my
feelings, or confuses me, and leads me to the conclusion that you
would prefer to ignore the parts of me that are represented there.
As a result, I don't really trust that you would hear me if I opened
Let's really talk. Let's discuss you. Let me in. Open up
fully to me. Allow me to enter. Let me know you. Deeply. Lay yourself
bare to me. Let us have those discussions with a completely open mind
to what is important for you to have a connection with someone. Your
connection. Your needs. Allow yourself to be open and vulnerable to
me. I will not hurt you. I want to discuss all of you. All of your
fears. All of the critical thinking and questioning that has molded
you. I love you. And I care for you. I truly want to get inside you.
Show me all that is in there, and discuss the psychological and
philosophical matrix of your being. Of your passions. Your
disillusions of life. Your existential growth as a person, and your
presence in this world.
Some time ago, you asked me what was wrong with me
that I didn't want a healthy long-term relationship, and you
dismissed what I wish for as a 'suicide pact'. Were you judging me?
My take was that you perhaps had not ever thought about or challenged
certain basic premises. Is a long life really the best thing for
every person? Is a relationship's value or 'health' determined by how
long it lasts? Is the current model of a 'healthy' relationship
really suitable for the vast majority of human beings? And if not,
what possible range of alternatives could there be?
Is love an uncontrollable emotion that causes people to care for
people whose values and beliefs turn them off?
Can love in part be about being drawn to those whose beliefs and
values you admire, respect, love?
Can love be expressed through expressing one's values and beliefs to
the fullest extent of one's ability through a relationship with
someone who shares them?
If quality of life is not acceptable, do humans have the right to
choose death rather than tough it out until the bitter end?
What if after thinking it through, you actually come to the
conclusion that it can be a 'positive' and 'brave' thing to refuse to
be part of a society you don't accept?
I understand that to help anyone reach the hard-to-reach places, I
have to be open about how to do it, but I also have to accept that
most people will either find it tedious, or irritating, or, that they
will never really think I'm saying anything when I attempt to
communicate sincerely and comprehensively. I do not repress this
When it comes to what I have expressed to you, my impression is that
you think of me as being understandably misguided in what I want and
in my assessments of my life. In other words, I am not rational about
it, but it is understandable, considering my circumstances, and you
However, I think what I want raises valid philosophical
I more than understand the many aspects that are
involved, and the fundamental correlation that is needed to gel in
order to produce the right chemistry between two people. I honestly
believe that there is a lot of chemistry between us. Otherwise, why
do we find it hard for ourselves to break from one another and move
on? The answer: We find each other intriguing, magnetically
attracted, interestingly uniquely different from anyone else that we
have encountered, and find so appealing. That is my take concerning
our position that exists here. I feel that it was truly remarkable
and positively fateful. We found each other. We were meant to be
found. Otherwise..... What else is there?
I agree there is something unusual here.
It is possible that at a very deep level, I do not believe that I
have a right to happiness, love or life. If that is the case, I am
not sure how to get in there and challenge these beliefs. I think I
have approached things from many angles, and I think I understand
many of the harsh realities of the world we live in, and that not all
people find happiness or love, and throughout history, many, many
people have lived unhappy or loveless lives, died too soon, or died
in some horribly tragic way. I think I understand that you can't let
the unfairness of it all cause you to punish yourself or abstain from
what pleasure there might be in life.
I'm sorry, I was wrong. The truth is, I could never for
the life of me, do that. I would never be able to be there to watch
you die. Oh, no. Never. I could never go along with that. The very
thought sickens me. I am so broken up inside to even think that I
could do that.
I live to love you.
I understand, and would not ask you to watch or
support my choice.
I do not doubt that you have continued with this search
all through our interactions.
I cancelled my Agency account a while back. In my
original profile I had written something like 'I realize I'm probably
incompatible with every person in the known galaxies, but I don't
really know for sure.' I haven't been consciously searching.
Do you know the story of Orpheus and Eurydice? In the myth, Orpheus
cannot accept Eurydice's death, and so goes into the Underworld to
bring her back to life. He almost manages to pull this off, but
perhaps you know how it ends.
Plato argued that because Orpheus was not willing to die for love, he
did not really love Eurydice.
Eurydice did not choose to die, but their tragic romance brings up
various philosophical questions.
You cannot commit to me. How can you? You feel no need or
desire to. I feel that I have become devalued in your view. I turned
out not to be what you had originally thought to be a potential. Now
I am not useful to you. Nothing that would be fulfilling. Stimulating
for you. I am incompatible because I do not share in your interests.
Your ultimate goal. I love you so dearly, and I so wish beyond words
that you felt the same.
I cannot commit to you or any person who wishes to
live because I am not committed to living my life. I was undeniably
attracted and drawn to you, but I knew very early on that we did not
want the same things. I tried to let go, so that we both would have a
better chance of finding compatible matches. As I have come to know
you, I am still fascinated by you and find you very warm,
intelligent, sensitive and sensual. I hope that you can forgive me
for finding it difficult to completely walk away. You kept
communicating in ways that drew me back in.
There is nothing else that I can say or do? It seems to
me that the compatibility issue between us lied only with your
wanting a connecting with someone with whom ultimately shares your
ideals concerning a mutual death event. It sounds like you don't want
to even try with me because you feel there is really nothing there
with me for you to hold to. I am deeply saddened. I am trying and
wanting so much to have mutual affectionate and loving, deep
psychological connection with you because I love you so deeply and
need you so much. But you obviously do not feel the same in those
regards. You just don't see me as someone that you would be
interested in, in having any kind of romantic meaningful attachment
with. It seems now that you don't even want to engage in deep and
stimulating conversations with me. It seems to me that it is all lost
to you now.
And at some point it will never come again. It will never be. It will
all be erased by death.
Death is something that will ultimately come to all of us. No matter
in what instances or time and or place or at what age. When it comes,
all things become equal. And all of the things that were, become
academic. Whether you were incredibly intelligent or not so, or
somewhere in between. Whether your life was healthy and fulfilling,
or whether it was tragic and miserable, or whether you were
attractive or not so. Whether you were happy with yourself, or were
not. Every aspect of one's life, whether positive or negative becomes
academic. We all reach the same place; and at the same point where
there no longer exists time, place or awareness or consciousness. Of
being. Existential. Death will come. There is no need to hurry it. To
be preoccupied with it. What you feel that you will get from it is
just a very short and meaningless ultimate experience. There is no
continuation or follow through. Why hurry it? I feel that I do not
want to exist in this life every fucking day, but I understand and am
aware that it will come eventually. No matter the time. What you want
to get from it; what you want to feel from it, is something that does
not carry. There is only nothing beyond it. There is nothing that you
will find there. There is only now. Live this. Not that. For there is
no 'that' that extends beyond what you feel is important to you. Let
me be important to you; let us be important. Let us experience each
other for as long as there is time. Because it will carry over while
in life. It will continue to carry over. And at some point it will
never come again. It will never be. It will all be erased by
It is possible that even if some of us never have
children, we have throughout our lives infected others with some of
our memes, so in a sense we are unconsciously having effects on the
world even after our deaths, through potentially many different kinds
of exchanges and interactions. The original memes might mutate,
evolve, but perhaps some character of the original remains. Whether
through genes or memes, we are all part of evolution?
Aside from that, I think I understand very well the finality of
death, and for me the idea of it is comforting.
If life is not fulfilling, why not make a choice yourself, why not
choose the time of ending, and the circumstances? What does time
mean? Why is it important whether a human lives a day or 90 years? In
the history of the universe, and even humankind, what is that amount
of time? Time matters if quality of life is satisfactory or
unsatisfactory. If every day is misery, and it is reasonable to
conclude the misery will continue, it makes sense to choose to end
that misery, if you have the capability. There is no punishment for
doing so.. just an earlier release from pointless misery. If it is
possible to find comfort, if it is possible to find a reason to stay,
if others have reasons to live or their misery is not so bad that it
is important to them to make a choice to escape it, I respect and
support their choice to remain alive and await their future. But how
many people suffer for countless years, become demented, or blind, or
incontinent and have to rely on others to change their diapers? Not
all deaths are equal in dignity. I would be horrified to have those
conditions added on to the misery I have already endured. For me, it
is better to get out before it gets worse. There is no logical reason
to suspect it won't get worse, considering my own personal patterns.
It can be meaningful to make the ultimate choice. To know oneself, to
respect oneself, to value one's own experience and assessments, and
to bravely make a choice to have the best death possible. Death is an
inevitable part of life, and there can be personal meaning in how we
approach it, how we face it, what decisions we make. For me, this is
not about a temporary whim, and the 48 years it took for me to become
who I am are not negligible or 'temporary'. Everything I bring to any
relationship is based on all my experience, and I think that
genuinely connecting with someone, from a place of shared emotions,
hopes and ideals, even for one moment, is more important than the
possibility of a long life with someone I can never genuinely connect
I've never enjoyed ongoing daily life, and it is difficult for me to
imagine that having a companion would change that. I've never been in
any relationship I wanted to last.
While I am still communicating with someone, there is still the
possibility of connection, understanding, and friendship, but in
practice it often turns out that we are trying to clarify fundamental
incompatibilities, and once we have done that, for some reason it
doesn't seem to make sense for us to stay in contact.
Thank you for making me feel like shit for opening up and
trusting you to the extent I felt I could tell you anything. Thank
you for making me feel like shit for wanting to eat my sister's
My intent was not to judge or attack you, but to open
discussion. I would like the chance to examine things more fully, I
would like the chance to understand you and myself more fully, I
would like the chance to understand human nature more fully, I would
like the chance to change, evolve, perceive whatever it is that I
can't yet perceive or understand.
Caring for a person does not mean that I will never challenge any of
their behaviours, ideas or motivations, and in fact I think it
demonstrates caring to speak up and try to understand more fully.
Part of the problem may have been a communication problem. When you
described the situation, although in your head all of the relevant
details might have been fully present, when you relayed the situation
to me, you did not express anything about your sister as a person,
her individuality, her personality. You focused only on her body and
your sexual needs, such that she came across as only an object to be
utilitized. I could factor in the way you have discussed everything
else, and project that of course you saw her as a person, and that
you were tender and understanding with her, but that did not actually
come across in what you had communicated, and so I began to ask
I know about the history of abuse in your family. You have described
these experiences as horrific, and it is evident to me that your
scars are extensive.
In your profile, you stated that you love children and that with the
'right woman' you would like to have children. Do you think it is
important to try to process and discuss your past experiences more
I guess I'm wondering that if you don't, maybe you could pass some of
the unresolved or undiscussed issues on to any children you might
have. When your own children reach a certain age, would you think it
was OK to ask them to have sex with you? I guess I'm not totally
clear about where you stand regarding 'abuse' vs 'acceptable incest'.
Would the age of consent be variable, and if so, in what ways? Would
consent imply a lifelong non-disclosure agreement? And if your child
seemed to be experiencing difficulties handling the aftermath, what
would you do? Is there anyone you could consult?
I'm an analytical person. I don't apologize for that. However, in
this case I don't think I was overly analytical. When it comes to a
topic like incest, I think it's important to think carefully about
it. Whether society's ideas and ideals are hypocritical, unrealistic,
or unfair is definitely a topic worthy of discussion, but there are
many other aspects to it, and I do not trust that those unwilling to
discuss and analyze would necessarily be able to handle incest with
no repercussions, even if in their own minds it's something others
are hypocritical and backward about. Your experiences made me realize
that I'm not sure what my stand is. Our discussion made me
You were 18, your sister was 14, and I know you didn't force her, you
asked her to consider whether she would have sex with you. She
considered it, and decided she didn't think she could handle the
possible psychological ramifications, specifically when it came to
what people would think if they found out. You and I both come from
households in which there were blurred boundaries of various kinds,
and I know there was unrelenting abuse in your home, and it makes
sense to me that you and your sister might try to comfort each
I'm sorry. I overreacted. It's not really an issue any
more. I don't really think about it all that much. A year ago, my
sister and I were in our mom's car drinking beer, and I had the
feeling she wanted me to kiss her, but the moment passed and maybe
we both decided we didn't really want to, even though she did have a
hysterectomy a few years ago.
I don't want unconditional acceptance, and I don't
accept anyone unconditionally. I want to understand what it is that I
am accepting, and sometimes I need to ask questions in order to
clarify what it is that I am offering acceptance regarding.
I do not want you to feel dirty and ashamed. Talking about things
openly is not shameful. However, the purpose of talking is not to
make it possible to blindly accept everything - it is sometimes
essential to examine old ideas from new perspectives, and make
changes when it seems right to do so.
Or.. to learn how to more clearly articulate a personal stand against
the majority or society.
Does one controversial and unresolved discussion negate all our
previous conversation? It doesn't for me.
I admit I am disappointed you have chosen not to engage further in
this discussion, although I do appreciate your apology for
I need some time on my own to process things. It is a strange thing,
trying to understand what open-mindedness is, and what rationality
is, and to try to examine the subtleties. It's like I have some
ingrained need to get right to the boundaries of both.
You have gone back into isolation, and I am missing you
terribly. It so fucking hurts! I am going to stimulate my ass now
with my toy. I feel so lonely. I wish I could tell you about it. I am
so fucking depraved! I want you to love me! I need you to love me! I
am thinking of you in my depraved state. Oh, fucking hell.... My
trouble with trying to convey what is in my head into the written
word without it sounding like illogical tripe.
I am a person of transcendental growth. Growth that is far beyond
societal beliefs and opinions of which are held as grounded and
My tongue is so alive and so sensual when interacting with a woman's
body. Touching a woman in the most sensual and loving and
affectionate ways with my heart, my hands and my mouth and tongue is
so very euphorically electrifying. I love licking, kissing and
sucking everything I possibly can on a woman. As well as through
touch. That for me is the definition of euphoria. That is something
that I would love for you to see - watching me experiencing euphoria;
as you would create and bring that out of me for you to
I really need to masturbate before I lie down. I am very in need of
some sexual pleasure.
A few months later..
I do not know where things will go from here. It seems
that it will depend on how well we can resolve the misunderstandings
and/or lack of enough information here and come to a compromise
regarding our different needs.
I can relate to most of what you are saying. By the age
of twelve, I was already suffering with severe depression, acute
anxiety, BDD issues, no self worth or self-esteem, feeling completely
disconnected from everyone and everything. I have many interests, but
have no ambition and I get no pleasure from them. And I feel
completely inadequate and completely worthless to even try.
I just think that you are so unique. You challenge me so deeply on so
many levels. I am so drawn to you with no illusions.
You may not be aware of this, but you make love to my mind with your
intellectual, philosophical and analytical and questioning
I do understand, sweety, what you are conveying that being deprived
of any opportunity of having an intense, in depth discussion is for
you like being told that we can do a few things, but that your
favorite positions are off limits. I was so deeply moved and very
saddened by this. I am so sorry, baby. I must have felt so one-sided
to you. To feel so neglected of what is so important and stimulating
for you to have must have been so frustrating for you, and left you
feeling so locked out. I am so sorry honey.
I don't know, does this help you to understand any
My answer is yes, honey, it does, baby.
You mentioned how you were able to please women and
basically get into all their nooks and crannies and that you know
because of their reactions that you must be talented. Based on
everything I have picked up about you so far, I don't doubt that at
I know I should have ended things sooner, especially when you clearly
expressed to me that our communication was messing with your head. I
hope you can forgive me. Rereading your profile now, and factoring in
where our communication has gone over the months we have been in and
out of contact, I still see what it is that I originally saw in you.
I was too intrigued to just walk away. I had to know more about
Throughout my life I have experienced excruciating desire, obsessive
sexual desire, which has never found any satisfying outlet for
release. You are one of those I became obsessed with.
It is critically important for you to fully open yourself
to me. Otherwise how can there be any growth? You cannot keep closing
off yourself and shutting the door because you are under the opinion
and given the wrong impression that one might find it tedious,
irritating or lost to your way of feeling. You need to really
communicate yourself to me. Allow me to peer inside of you. You
cannot expect me to know your psychology if you keep yourself
guarded. Sure you have sent out feelers, but they only seem to your
ultimately expressing your desires and your preoccupations and
obsessions with death.
I looked up adult breastfeeding relationships of my
own accord, and I could understand the potential physiological and
psychological benefits of such relationships. According to what I had
so far absorbed about you, it seemed to me that you were aware of
your own needs and what could potentially help you. It seemed like a
relevant alternative choice.
Is there no way I could be 'right' about what 'treatment' or what
type of relationship would be best for me? One of the implications of
really thinking about the philosophical questions posed would include
a person's willingness to admit that death is one valid option, and
to be willing to discuss that, or at least interested enough in me to
ask questions. You may never accept my choice, but a willingness to
discuss it would seem to indicate that you do understand the
philosophical validity of my stance. In your profile, you expressed
that you were interested in discussing subjects of a deeply
philosophical nature. Does this not qualify? When I open up to you,
you seem to disregard what I have communicated as if I haven't said
anything at all.
I think if we are honest with ourselves, we can both see that this
is not going to work out.
I do not blame you for deciding that it would be harmful to have
further contact with me. I can't fill your needs. I respect the way
you have handled it.
It does seem the best thing to do is to give you what you asked for:
that I not contact you again.
In a patisserie, a cockroach crawls over a
I most enjoy the weird people. To answer
your question: I used to disappear but with time, it is changing. I
think I disappear if I think people can't accept me when I'm not
fine. So in fact I disappeared a lot in the past and of course it
made me lose people, but I wanted to lose them, because they were
just not good enough for me, as I could not say 'I have some
problems', I could not be me with them. So now that I have LESS
normal people in my life, I am more able to be myself (even if it is
a long way!) and I can say 'yeah I have some problems' I don't feel
that need of disappearing. This is really it, if I could feel
surrounded by beautiful people, I don't think I would disappear. Big
You said 'I am often afraid to go very far with people in getting to
know them, in case a disappearance would be hard for them.'
Short story: I became close with an Agency girl a few weeks before
writing you the first message. And there was such a deep feeling
which was starting to grow that she chose to disappear. It was hard
for me, I never knew such a person. But you know, I don't want to
protect me of such a pain, or it would also protect me from
happiness. And what is important is that I think if you can have a
satisfying number of beautiful people in your life, let's
sayyyy...30? 50? I think you can easily support their disappearance,
as they won't disappear all at the same time (there should be some
shift, like" hey, please guys disappear one after another.")
So I would say for my part there is no problem with disappearance, if
it's not a definitive disappearance!
I'm weird, but maybe not in the right ways, or ways
you can relate to.
I enjoyed the enthusiasm you expressed, and I think you said a
It has taken me so long to reply because I have again turned into
Kafka's cockroach and can't speak French or English or anything other
About hunting, I can tell you I fucked a 50
years old woman this morning, with her husband looking at it, in
their eerrr... truck (it doesn't happen very often, but I do this
kind of thing sometimes, and I'm not very proud of it, partly because
I live with my ex and I don't want to have sexual illness and to give
it to her if sometime we make love etc..and I lie to her and this
kind of thing...)
Somehow I think there's a reason you are telling me
this. I have various theories about women, aging, attraction,
marriage, porn and the internet, and wouldn't mind getting your input
on relationships and relating, and how all of these factors influence
these. I don't have traditional relationships or ways of interpreting
feelings. I don't want to get married, and I don't want to force
monogamy on anyone, and I don't want anyone to feel locked into
having to reassure me of my attractiveness or our love if they don't
actually feel it. Do you mind if I ask what it was like to fuck the
50 year old woman, and if in your mind you compare it to fucking
I think I need to ask you, what it was like, the reality of her body,
face, essence. Did she seem less alive than younger women?
You're very realistic, and honest in your
way to look at life. You are courageous, to not remain in illusion.
People always prefer illusion, because it is just...easier. If I had
to go to war, I would choose you in my "team".
I hope my answer won't be too far away from the question; What on
earth could be more beautiful than an 18 years old girl body? As you
know, time is influencing bodies, it's just natural, and even 28
women bodies are already often less beautiful than 10 years before.
It's just, nature.
For someone like me, the 18 years old body is even too beautiful
(like too much), if I have sex with a beautiful girl, with smooth
skin, smooth hair, nice boobs.. it just makes me want to not come
back in real life again, I just want to make the moment last forever.
So: it's not good, we always have to go back to reality.
So of course I would say young girls are more beautiful, but that
doesn't mean it's better (at least for me).
This is the first thing. Then, second thing: young women often don't
know how to behave with a man (in sex and in life).
They have no experience, they are shy...They just don't know what are
men, what they need. Men are so easy to understand, they are all the
same. But most of young girls just don't know it. For those reasons,
I often think that young people could or maybe should be with older
I appreciate your willingness to be open about this.
I think that when men of any age have contact with an older woman,
partly what they want is for her to be direct and say what she wants,
but they are also in a sense saying: 'you have a few seconds to
impress me/service me or I'm gonna check out someone else,' whereas
when it comes to a younger woman, they will wait longer to see if she
will respond. So in a sense, an older woman in this situation must
become a kind of Scheherazade, who must tell a fascinating sex
fantasy every night, or she will lose her life, her sexuality. So it
becomes about what men want. Yes, of course women have sexual
desires, but if a woman understands that she must use those desires
in a way that men can understand, that she must translate them, often
this is at the expense of some of the psychological aspects that she
would really like to be present. It can give anyone a great deal of
pleasure to turn someone on, and to feel competent at this, but at
the same time, sometimes a distance is created.
Women are taught to work on themselves, and when they have done that
well enough, they will draw a 'healthy' love to them, but aside from
that, perhaps most women believe deep down that they have some
essence or spirit that would always be visible to a True Love or Soul
Mate. What if this isn't really true?
The internet is like a big candy store for men, with more and more
beautiful images all the time. Standards of beauty are increasing. If
women are affected such that more and more are dissatisfied with
their appearance, how are men affected? Are they now more likely to
have a mistaken idea about what is average or healthy? How do the
images cause them to see the women in their lives? Does it make sense
that only women would be affected? Maybe for men it seems like
there's no end to the supply of beautiful young girls, and so why
should they bother to settle for someone with too many 'flaws'? When
you go into a store, do you first select damaged or rotting fruit, or
foods with packaging that appears to be tampered with if you don't
I have often heard men in their 20s speak of settling down at a
certain age, and starting families, as if they believe there is a set
time for this, and suddenly at that time they will be ready to give
up 18 year old girls for life, as if something will kick in, but in
practice I think what is most likely to happen is that if they go
with the flow of what they're supposed to do, suddenly they'll
discover they're 40, and completely obsessed with 18 year olds, but
locked in a 'reassuring' dialogue with their wives about how
attractive they still find them. There is a split in how men learn to
communicate: one official stance, appropriate in most social
contexts, and another for private.
Many men at the Agency experience an intensity of loneliness and low
self-esteem that potentially help them to understand women better,
and to crave emotional connection more than other men, and at the
same time, they are even more likely to constantly seek out the self- medicating
properties of porn, and to have seen more, searched more,
to the extent they are more acutely attuned and responsive to
impossible standards of beauty, and there is no way to keep this out
of their assessments of their own potential mates. It also might be
confusing to see so many women up for any sexual activity at a
moment's notice, whereas in 'real life', if women don't respond
immediately they might seem uptight or defective. I think what
happens is that this results in a need for separation. They accept
that it is necessary to have one 'real' woman for companionship, and
many internet fantasies for intensity, in order to feel alive. At the
same time, many have the unrealistic idea that when they find True
Love, they will give up porn for good. When they go back to it, they
feel guilty, or maybe they think it wasn't True Love after
I know, a lot of possibly offensive and unfair generalizations. I
feel guilty about it, and I feel like I am betraying those who have
been brave enough to open up to me, like I am committing crimes
against Love. It's just that I can't get many of them to talk about
all of this. As I said, they play dumb, ignore me, plead the Guy
Code, pick a fight to deflect the issue, or cry, etc. If that doesn't
work, they call me a feminist, and I am blacklisted or disqualified
from having an opinion due to Fatness, Oldness or Extreme Ugliness.
For the record, I do consider myself a feminist.
It is not that I seek brutality. I try to keep my eyes open, I try to
face the realities, and I try to remain open to exceptions. I try to
be open to the unexpected. I do not want men to judge or hate
themselves. Their reactions and responses make sense, when you factor
in their wiring and the natural extension and exploration of certain
philosophies. I also do realize that many men have even less power
than women in society. But, even these ones seem to have the same
standards of beauty and ideas about women as those with more power. I
would like greater understanding on both sides, and an end to the
status quo of perpetuating unreal fairy tales about 'love', but most
discussions get closed down before they can even begin. Everyone's
defensive, everyone feels judged, and in those circumstances, who
feels confident enough to really open up?
I really agree with what you say with the
men almost saying to the older woman "you have to be efficient or I
will leave for a younger" even if I would not be this way. I wouldn't
wait more for a young one, I behave with people for what they are and
not for what they look like (I think). But men are like that I
Life is hard for women, this is why I am always on their side. I love
women for what they are, and because in this world they still have
less rights than men. And I can't really keep myself from hating men,
even if there are exceptions. And because of this I partially hate me
(which is not good!), but I progressively understand that I'm just a
unique model, and maybe a nice model. What you said is interesting;
this is why I say mature woman are better: it is because they know
how to translate their desire in a way that men can understand. And
that would make her special to me. But I am weird, so I am not a good
I've always seen this, and I just can't live their life. I just can't
marry a woman and give her a fake happy life, with "official words"
but no sincere love. I just can't do this to someone. I can't do it
for me too, because I need freedom and more than that.
Everybody deserve better. But people, they just don't know it. A long
time ago, I promised myself that I would have a great life, so I
guess..I just can't give up this promise, and I perfectly accept that
it can fail and maybe I will have a weird and tragical life. But
maybe I will have a great life. It will be the one or the other, but
not a boring life, made of renounciation.
Do you like bad guys? Or I mean, are you
more attracted by men who ignore you rather than those who are nice
to you? (As you know women are often this way.)
I'm not even sure I know how to tell the difference
between a 'bad guy' and a 'nice guy'. And maybe if I'm expected to be
both White Swan and Black Swan, so should the guy. Most of the ones I
have corresponded with haven't ignored me. I think the main thing
that happens when someone drags things out or ignores me is that
something can feel 'unfinished' and I can have doubts until it's
cleared up, but I do prefer a clean break. This is something men
might not understand. They see it in simplistic terms: she keeps
coming back for more, this method works! But if I am not allowed the
answers, it messes with my head, and it can be hard to feel free to
become emotionally involved again until it's cleared up, even if I
would rather move on. When it comes to a frustrating situation that
has draggled on for far too long, once I have the answers, it's like
a cleansing enema that flushes out all the remaining unresolved crap,
and I feel free of it, and probably the guy never really understands
that he never really had me - what he had was my frustration and need
to solve a mystery. I suppose it depends on what each person values,
but when it comes to the parts of myself that I share, I know that
such a person does not have what I most value.
A lot has happened since last time.
I am caught up in a totally insane situation, but maybe that passion
has been missing in my life for too long. And now I will have years
to reflect on the insanity along different tangents and it will bring
increased energy and inspiration. Ha, or more insanity! All part of a
weird and tragical life, perhaps, but I am not certain, even
now. While I can still experience such a feeling, I think it is
essential to go with it, not try to repress or block it.
I have also been receiving love letters from someone very beautiful.
This is a strange situation, in which I think he is trying to contact
me in an alternate reality, another place and time, where a different
part of me still exists. I don't know if that will make sense to you.
I set him free, but he has not yet let go, or maybe he feels free to
explore that other time and place now. Which reality is more
There is this theory I am starting to develop based upon my
experiences with lonely people. Possibly many people have Body
Dysmorphic Disorder, but remain undiagnosed. I think it is often
closely aligned with agoraphobia and social anxiety, or that in fact
it could be the primary diagnosis but most people who have it find it
shameful to admit how preoccupied they are with their appearance, or
how badly they feel about it. It might be one of those diagnoses we
see a lot more of in the future, and it might relate to the pressure
of the internet, and all the available images, which give people a
mistaken idea about what is average, what is healthy, what is
'normal', and raise the standards all the time, such that even the
beautiful do not feel they measure up.
And as for the photogenically and appearance-challenged.. How can
they be expected to cope in a world where photos say more about who
you are than anything else? I think I have undiagnosed BDD, and this
is one of the reasons I might pretend I don't get hints about Skype.
I realize my personal experience is hardly conclusive, but I am
coming to the conclusion that appearance-related issues affect
people's ability to socialize and seek sexual partners to a very
I think when men receive reassurance from women, it is easier for
them to move forward than it is for women when men try to reassure
Rhethorical questions: Does insanity costs
energy? On the contrary does it bring energy? Both of it I guess. I'm
even sure the answer is both "cost and bring", because as a crazy one
I know it.
About love letters, I would like to know you opinion: Can you explain
me what is a love letter? My letters are always love letters and at
the same time they are never love letters. I mean, I often find
myself as being the funny/weird/(rather) attractive and trusted
friend who have girls confidence and secrets, even if they are all
partially attracted and in love with me. I'm just wondering why. It's
not a problem, but I wonder why don't they totally fall in love and
why they don't give me their heart, or even why don't they just
consider me as a normal friend. And even their heart they don't give
it to me literally; I could take care of it, even if I can't be the
prince of 100 girls.
Why don't they see I am often what they are looking for, why do they
relate me their horrible and failed love story with boys. But I would
like them to see they need someone like me, and I would like to help
them in a way, or another. I could help them to find a nice man,
because there is a lot of nice men (they just are not the ones who
physically attracts women). And in the end I know partially the
answer, women often love being ignored and disrespected, this is why
they rarely really want a nice boy (even if they think they want a
nice one). Huge topic. Sorry for this nonsense sentences.
If you express and share yourself genuinely, openly,
if you care, then everything you write is perhaps a love letter.
Maybe in my last message I was thinking of a love letter as something
romantic, passionate, sensual? But that is only one type of love, I
Part of what women need is someone to talk to about their
relationships, so in that sense they are recognizing that you are
something they need.
Maybe you pay a price for openness. If women understand that you do
not give your whole heart to anyone, they know it is not a safe bet
to give their whole heart to you? Other men who are attracted to and
involved with more than one woman at a time might try to convince
each one that she is the only one, or the most special one. Or: 'I
will only give my whole heart to you if you give your whole heart to
me' - is that how most people approach relationships? Yes, I think
so, even when it is an illusion, but in that case it depends on one
person making the decision, and then the other either has to speak up
and tell the other 'I don't feel the same as you', or if they find it
too difficult to speak up, they decide to go along with it, sometimes
I usually specifically seek out those who are psychologically
unusual, or even 'nice', but I'm confused now, and maybe no one is
really 'normal' or 'bad'. I am not even usually attracted physically
to the men most women are attracted to. I might be prejudiced against
conventionally 'good-looking' men. (Sorry!) What I find is that even
nice men have certain standards of attractiveness, and even less
conventionally attractive men want the same women that most men do.
I do think I did manage to get much of what I wanted, or more
than I expected, through my contacts at the Agency. I experienced
stimulation, an exchange of energy, inspiration. Maybe I don't have
I end relationships when I don't feel understood, respected or valued
in the ways I wish to be, or when I finally realize that potential
does not exist. Sometimes, in order to explore something or someone
unusual, you have to take some risks, not play it too safe. But, I
also try to honestly acknowledge my responses, and if I have fun with
someone, I try to go with it, while remaining 'centred', or being
able to understand the foundation of the relationship.
I don't like the major crash - the crash is horrible, but I don't try
to fight it. I try to let go. I am probably a lot more realistic than
most people, though, so maybe in a lot of ways it's easier for me. I
perhaps don't interpret my feelings or 'what it all means' in the
same ways that other people do. If I have fun, if I feel very
attracted, I think it is better to go with it than fight it, even if
I know a crash is coming, especially if it has been a very long time
since I have experienced intense attraction.
I am usually not able to sustain relationships because I am not
connected to life in the ways other people are. It is difficult to
connect with people for a long time, because connections to people
are strengthened by sharing life connections. When it comes to
contact after a breakup, it is often like the process that ended the
relationship or interaction in the first place is speeded up, and the
things that drove us apart in the past become evident in a shorter
time. We touch base, I acknowledge or try to acknowledge what someone
has meant to me in my life, and then we go our separate ways again,
and sometimes never have contact again.
I think you are very true for openness (why
are you always so right?!!). Woman can feel I won't give my whole
heart to them, and I make sure that they understand it. Because I
just don't want to put them in a fake dream. I don't want them to
think I will give more than what I can give.
But in fact, the reality is I don't need to give them my whole heart.
Because I care for the whole world, I don't even know what could
means giving me to one person. When I compare my behavior and
feelings to the others, it just appears that I have 10 000 hearts,
like I am a multi-organs man. I can give them a whole heart, for each
I am only brutal with the woman I have sex with and even in this
case, I like to think I am brutal but I guess I am a sweet
I find it difficult when the intensity of a
relationship fades, or when over time I understand that our
experience of love was very different, that we did not really
understand each other, connect in the same ways or long for the same
My assessment is that in most long-term relationships, the female
becomes a socially acceptable age-appropriate beard for a man's real
sexual interests. As I said, it is difficult for me when the
intensity dissipates, and at the same time, I don't want a person to
feel bad for wanting or desiring whatever it is that would make him
feel more alive.
I wanted to let you know that I very much relate to what you said
about not knowing if something you shared with someone adds to their
life and helps them in some way to go on and be who they are, or if
you just add to their sadness, in the end.
Workers are in the process of dismantling some windmills and
replacing them with a modern windfarm. It is unclear as to how long
this will take.
Do you think we should talk?
It's probably not a good idea to talk, because we have
said it all before, talking will depress and upset us both, we need
new input and without that, we should avoid talking.
Maybe we should talk anyway.
I realize it's been a while, and that you are putting
in effort to be understanding, and I appreciate it, but I think what
will happen is what always happens, and in the end I will end up
drunk later tonight. So maybe this is one of those nights where we
should just cut to the chase and I say 'Don Quixote, could you please
pick up a case of wine?'
Even if that is what happens, maybe we should
The thing is that I can't see anywhere to go. I have
tried as hard as I could to 'take responsibility', to solve the
problems, to just get myself out of here so that you could have a
chance at a life. It's not that I'm unaware this situation is not
good, it's that I have tried to change it and can't get very far.
I am not sure if I can quit drinking. That is not the primary
problem, but even if drinking makes it harder for me to move out, I
am still not sure if I can do it. I know what I'm like and I can't
honestly say I believe I will 'have a life' if I leave. Maybe on my
own I would at least do my own shopping and buy my own wine. But even
if I say to you that there are no good solutions, I can suggest that
the best thing might be to try to get me a place in Melbourne, as a
'lesser evil'. But, it would still require a certain kind of help or
support that I am not sure you can give. I can mention that
possibility, but it doesn't mean that it seems realistic that
together we could overcome the obstacles I see.
I think it could potentially help me if you could think about your
life and what you want in life. You have a right to set limits for
yourself, and for me. Do you really want to live with a person who is
as unhappy as me, and whose patterns you have to deal with on an
ongoing basis? I think that what you really want is a new
relationship, but that you are scared you might never find one, so a
dysfunctional one, or rather an unsatisfying one, is better than
trying to change things. And I completely believe you deserve to be
happy and to have a more complete relationship.
This situation has gone on for years, and the patterns we have
created together have become stronger. When I try to give up
drinking, I feel like I have to fight not only my own patterns, but
yours. This is one of the reasons people go to rehab - in the early
stages, for some people it is helpful to be away from triggers and
the situations in which they usually drink. I don't believe it's your
fault I drink and I'm not trying to blame you, but our patterns
together are extremely difficult for me to overcome. When I get up,
and you and I start talking, it's like it sets in motion a whole
chain of reactions. If I've only been sober a day or two, I might
feel crabby - because quitting drinking does have physiological and
psychological effects. I won't want to be crabby, and if I am, even
if it's just not to greet you in a friendly way, or if I remain
silent, so as not to talk about anything, I might start feeling bad
about feeling crabby.
If I have to make decisions about dinners, or even talk about them, I
might start thinking about how well wine goes with certain dinners,
so in that sense it becomes easier to write notes saying things like
'I'm going to make spaghetti with mushrooms tonight, and will leave a
plate for you on the table at approx. 7:30' rather than discuss it. I
make decisions in order to avoid discussions. I take control so that
I don't have to experience the distress of perceiving your fear in
addition to mine. I have to make the effort to block out the ongoing
unconscious dialogue between us: 'What do you think we should do?' 'I
don't know. What do you think we should do?' It takes energy to do
this. It feels like carrying a very heavy weight, and sometimes I
can't do it. When I withdraw into my room, part of what I do is try
to stay focused on why it is important for me to at least try. In my
silence and my notes, I try very hard to keep any passive-aggressiveness
out of it, but I know that the situation in itself
conveys a kind of complaint. All I can do is try to express that I
understand that, that ultimately I believe I want what is best for
both of us, that I think some kind of change is necessary, and that I
don't know how else to try to make it happen.
When possums start arriving, things get complicated. It is good for
your mental health and mine to see them. The first one to spot the
possum gives half the food portion, then comes to inform the other. I
usually knock on the wall so I don't have to speak (and I try to
focus on knocking in a 'friendly' way so it doesn't trigger any
defensiveness or insecurity), and I write a note about what the
possum in question has received, but invariably some possum drama
occurs which makes it seem ridiculous to waste time with all this,
and then once we are talking again, one thing leads to another and we
are back in old patterns.
I agree that it is good for both of us to see
possums. And you are important to me and I really want to help
When we start getting into this territory, it gets
more complicated for me. I do think you want to help me, but at the
same time, I don't think you can do the things I have suggested that
might help. I don't see any good in beating you up about that, but as
I get more scared and hopeless about the situation, the more
difficult it is to keep an angry tone out of my voice, which in turn
is perhaps a sign that it is better not to talk. Not that I believe
it is a terrible or unproductive thing to express anger, but if
certain ideas have been expressed many times, and there is no
solution, it doesn't make sense to keep going over it without
addressing new angles. The things I try to 'get myself together',
using as much 'willpower' as I have, haven't worked. I really want
you to have a good life, so I understand that it might also seem like
my words are empty, but the distinction I am trying to make is that I
think what would help the situation would be a decision on your part.
If you were able to say that you wanted to try to have a more
complete life, a new relationship, that we can decide on a date
together to have me moved out by, it might help. Maybe this would
spur me to try again to do it myself by this date, and if I don't
manage that, we have a backup plan: we will go on a roadtrip to
Melbourne, and you will stay long enough to help me get
I am getting off-topic, sorry. I feel like I'm babbling, I feel like
I'm saying nothing.
I realize that most people believe that women just
want someone to listen to them, they don't really want solutions, but
I honestly think I want solutions. I want new input. We're both so
isolated, and I realize that's part of the problem. Neither of us has
anyone to consult about this impossible situation. I know you're in a
really horrible situation. When you first wanted to meet me, you were
lonely and didn't really know what you were getting yourself into. I
mean, I was honest about my situation, but I do realize you were very
lonely, and also that because I communicate in a reasonable way it
might give people the impression that with the 'right situation' I
would finally be content in life, despite what I say.
You've helped me a lot in my life.
I'm not sure that's true. Maybe if I hadn't stayed so
long, but maybe I am what is preventing you from moving forward now.
It's so weird, when we started writing I really had no idea all of it
would lead to moving to Australia. When I think of what the internet
is like now, it seems unbelievable that we were both willing to take
such a big risk. Everyone warns people about having to send someone
money for an airline ticket, etc, and about deadbeats with sob
Yes, I don't think I would do the same thing now.
I want you to think about what you want out of life. I
want you to believe that you have a right to set limits for yourself.
I don't want either of us to keep letting time go by, but I am not
sure how to quit drinking. It's kind of like even though you're very
intelligent and know a lot about various issues in the world, I am
not sure you know much about addiction. It's kind of like you grew up
in a 'stiff upper lip house', and so your approach is that when a
person really wants to quit, they just do it.
We can't scientifically measure intent, desire, the weight or extent
of obstacles faced, effort expended or rewards acquired. It strikes
me as difficult to calculate the 'rationality' of the efforts or
approach considering the back story, the circumstances and available
resources, because human morals and unrealistic ideals kinda get in
the way. How can we truly 'know' who 'wants' something 'the most'?
The 'proof' seems only to be that if someone achieves something, it
means they 'truly' wanted it. They wanted it more than all of those
who didn't achieve it. To me, this doesn't really seem to make sense,
or at least it's not something that can be backed up with proof. And
yet we continue to admire and judge people based on assumptions that
they 'deserve' this admiration or judgment. Human self-esteem or the
lack therof seems to be predicated upon this system.
I admit I am kind of upset that in all the years I have known you,
you have never done research on eating disorders, alcohol issues or
depression, or that you have not tried out some of the different
tactics I have suggested, like emailing me to talk rather than trying
to talk in person, because after talking in person, I feel like I'm
not good at talking in person, and I feel like I'm saying nothing.
Maybe in email I feel like I have more control, or I can see more. I
admit that in a way it feels like the opposite of caring, love or
friendship. It feels like you are in a hopeless situation, and all
you can do is wish for my death, which is understandable, but kind of
feels like pressure to me.
(visibly upset)I don't know what to do.
I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry. I don't want to
hurt you or keep going over the same things. You are a lovely person
and it's not fair. I think it's valid to express these things, but
not over and over again. That doesn't seem intelligent, on either of
our parts. I think this is related to acceptance, to know when both
parties are trying as hard as they can, and that if something isn't
working, you have to try another angle. It's just that I am out of
angles. I don't know what to suggest other than what I have
suggested. And if you can't give me a deadline, a limit, or some new
option, I guess I have to go back to trying to set one for myself,
but then I can decide to stop drinking, but as soon as we start
talking, or discuss meals, or interact regarding possums, I really
have to fight the urge, and it's really difficult, when I know all I
have to say is: when it's convenient to you, could you buy some wine?
knowing full well it's not going to be long until it's 'convenient'.
The thing is, if I quit drinking, after one day or several days or a
week, I will probably do things like check the two places you most
often have squirrelled away alcohol, and once I do that, it's not
long before I ask outright. Most addicts will go through times when
they want to drink, but if they do something like check into rehab
and sign a contract, they are saying they know they might get urges,
but they are planning ahead so that there's no alcohol available when
they go through that. But here, there's no real possibility.. I'm
sorry, I keep going on and I know you're upset and can't really hear
me right now, I'm sorry. I should stop. I don't want you to feel this
You're a lovely person. You have done so much for
me. I really want things to be good.
I think it seems that all we can do is wait. I will
try to get the energy and focus to remove myself from your house.
Maybe something else will happen, and maybe I will die. Recently,
when I had that crazy drinking binge where I was not sticking to the
patterns that prevent hangovers, when I had a really horribly painful
period and I kept drinking and taking paracetamol with codeine, and
hyoscine, (and still had pain) and anti-nausea tablets (and still
vomited) and felt sick every day and could never get comfortable,
whether sitting or lying down, and didn't enjoy drinking and thought
I actually might be close to dying, I was thinking that I really
didn't want to die this way, but if I die, maybe it's for the best.
And then I pulled myself out of it and started talking to you,
because I didn't want to die that way. But nothing changed, and as
soon as I felt less sick I started going into the same patterns. And
then I thought maybe I just shouldn't fight it. People die in all
kinds of ways. OK, sorry, I shouldn't bring that up. I will try to
focus. I will try to get myself together, or hope that one of us
figures something out. Maybe for now it's better if we keep eating
meals together because we are both lonelier when we are not talking,
but also it's a relief not having problems with food. We have what is
needed for a pizza. Do you feel like having some if I make it
That would be really, really good.
It's probably a good idea to pick up a case of wine.
I'll start making the pizza.
[3 days later, after the case of wine is gone..]
(handwritten:) Don Quixote,
you haven't done
anything wrong, but I am crabby because I have no alcohol. I'm going
to write notes for now, and I will note down what food I give to
possums so we don't overfeed them. Leek and potato soup will be ready
at about 8. Velvet
[3 days later, another note]:
When you go shopping, could you pick up more wine? I will try to
make it through today, but I am struggling. Velvet
[1 day later]:
When we're not talking, I feel very lonely and
isolated. Maybe we should not continue to avoid each other.
I agree. I think it's better and I feel better
when we are not avoiding each other.
I suppose if I just adjusted my attitude such that I
accepted drinking was the best option for me, and I didn't worry so
much about what I should be doing so as to leave less mess for you
and so that you'd be more likely to have a better life, maybe things
would be better, but I don't honestly think that drinking is the best
option for me. As long as we live in the same house, even though we
have an arrangement where we have both agreed we are not a couple and
that we both would like new relationships, to most people, it might
look like we are a couple. And aside from worrying about your life, I
still want at least a moment in life for myself in which I feel I
have achieved something I feel like I have the potential to
experience. OK, it is time to stop. I won't go into all this
I am going to stop talking now. I will try to focus on something.
Maybe for now the best thing is just to drink. I'm in a better mood
when I drink, and maybe I am at least speeding up my death. Do you
feel like having corn, baked potatoes, salad and bbq quorn?
That would be really good.
Could you pick up some wine? But just two bottles, and
I will give you a glass. If a case is there, I will just drink again
tomorrow night, and I want to try to drink as few nights as possible.
For a while it did seem like I was slowly reducing the amount of
alcohol I was drinking, but now things seem to be escalating again. I
will aim at having dinner ready around 9. I know it's a drag to have
to go to the store more often, but when you buy a case and I know
it's there, there's pretty much zero chance I won't drink until it's
gone. And if I wake up and ask you if you squirrelled any away, I
know you won't lie. You have a right to say you will only buy wine
once a week or once a month, and that I have to figure out what
quantity, and if you don't I can understand being aware of past
patterns and feeling cynical about it all, but what about the times
when there have been extended stretches without? Does it make sense
to keep trying for those, or to just give up?
I'll get two bottles.
Also, if I ask if there's wine in the house, it
doesn't mean I can't do without it - I think it's a natural part of
the process that as I withdraw, I want to know if there's any left. I
should stop talking. I feel like I am saying nothing. I feel like
there is no one who cares about what happens to me. My best shot is
to try to care for myself, but I'm very depleted and isolated. It's
not like I can check myself into rehab. There are waiting lists, and
in addition to that, I am self-conscious about having scammed my way
into this country. So many Australians already hate refugees and
complain about them taking taking up jobs and resources. Not to
mention my 'bad attitude'. In those places you pretty much have to
participate, and there's no way I can be honest about wanting to give
up alcohol so that I have the concentration to have a hope in hell of
killing myself in a personally 'meaningful' way that doesn't drag on
for more years, with me becoming physically ill. Yes, I hear myself.
This is crazy, this is surreal.
It seems to me that what you might be saying is that you think a
valid approach to relationships is to accept that it is helpful to
have a companion, and that the best you can hope for is that you can
get along reasonably well. It is possible to endure a life of quiet
desperation if you mostly live in your head, or can retreat into a
fantasy world. Most people see this as a 'bad thing', but you don't.
When it comes to me, there are some serious drawbacks, but in the
overall sense, I can be trusted to be 'reasonable' in ways that
don't leave you feeling something you can't handle will happen. I
guess I can see that it makes sense to approach life in this way. Is
this how you would sum it up?
[handwritten note, thrown away..]
1000 cases -Velvet
Note: Don Quixote said he would think about what else he might
want in his life, but he has not yet gotten back to Velvet. Through
the years it has often been something like:
I want you here.
That might be both true and not true, but I think what
it means is that you want me here, if I can be calm most of the time.
What it really means is that you want me to be the me who makes an
effort to find the least bad way of dealing with the day, even if
every single day I want it to stop and I myself don't believe in
performing actions to keep a life I don't want. If I am unhappy, that
I avoid talking about it as much as possible. I think there is a
certain amount of misery you will tolerate, even if you would prefer
a more complete relationship, one with sex in it, for example, but I
don't think this is just coming from open-mindedness and a wish for
an alternative relationship. It's coming from a fear that no one else
could ever love you. It's coming from years of experience of being
alone before I was here. It's coming from a fear maybe of how hard it
is to go through a relationship - although it really probably
wouldn't be as hard with someone who wanted to live, and who shared
your goals in life.
I'm not sure I'd want to live with someone
'normal'. They might expect a lot of things that make me
I think you would do better with someone who doesn't
want to force you to become like everyone else, but I honestly think
there are potentially many different people out there you could adapt
to. Some of the ways you are comfortable with me might be lacking,
but you might find other areas of compatibility that you aren't
expecting, things that are actually better for you personally. I know
I can't make statements of certainty, and maybe you would spend the
rest of your life alone, but the thing is if you look at the things
evolution tells us women look for, including success in career, you
are way ahead of a lot of men. Women mostly don't shop for a large
penis, but maybe to someone it would be an added bonus. Add to all of
that that you like to work on your home, you like to go shopping and
for coffee and have a really high tolerance for psychologically
complicated conversation. It's not that you completely lack game,
it's that for the most part, from the outset you have been
disqualified from participating, or don't know how to find your
sport. Women still wait for men to make the first move, and that's
not your thing. But once you are aware of a shot, I think your moves
are pretty good.
Think about it. If this is the only life you have, what else might
you want in your life? In a relationship? Will you just wait for
something? How long would you wait? Doesn't it make sense to take
whatever steps you can to show that you want something to be
possible? For example, to get me moved out of your house? To find
some way of humanely dealing with the situation so that it's not a
major crisis that has the potential to screw up your chances in a new
relationship? No matter how understanding a woman is, she might not
find it much fun to wait while you figure out what to do about me,
and if we both now can acknowledge that we want the chance for
something else in life, doesn't it make sense to start acting on it
now? We have come to this conclusion many years ago, and yet, we
still haven't resolved it.
OK, yes I will think about what I want in life. I
can see how it makes sense.
[days later, still no response, elaboration, etc. It will probably
[more common themes]:
We work well together, we come up with things
that on my own I would not think of doing.
Yes, it's strange how that seems to work. We both
provide different aspects of what is necessary when it comes to many
different tasks, creative projects and problem solving, whether it
comes to websites and blogs, all things possum-related, things
related to the house here, etc.
My Manifesto is very important to me, and without your help and
support, I wouldn't even have begun my Manifesto, or be able to do
what I can do now.
Not all people move at the same pace. I know that. It can take time
to work out authentic connections to life. For you, the possums are a
genuine connection to life. If I die, or leave, they will help you. I
struggled a lot regarding how good it was for the possums for us to
be so involved in their lives, but I don't have any doubts about how
good they are for you, or me. I kept the original possum site going
partly hoping that you would eventually be able to have your own site
or blog. I saw that this was potentially an authentic way for you to
connect to life. There are so many things that people do to be cool,
or 'good', but when it comes to possums, it's simply that it's real.
From there, if you can find friends, I think it will come from a real
place. I also think it's a very good thing that you are now moving
forward with your political blog. For years I have been trying to
support you in regards to moving forward with something like this.
You are a very good writer, and you have an excellent mind. Because
you have so little social interaction, there is no way for many
people to know the range you are capable of.
The underlying issue is that there has always been the potential for
you to connect to life. You sort of procrastinated on doing a lot of
the things that would make this possible (like the blogs, possum
site), but I am glad you are moving forward with all of it now, and I
know it was the right thing to keep pestering you about all of it
from time to time. The difference with me is that the 'authentic'
things I have to express all relate to how isolated I am and how
there aren't authentic ways for me to connect to life or people. My
Manifesto is the best chance I have to connect with the world, but it
seems that if I do connect with anyone, it is with those who maybe
don't have the ability to communicate back.
I am not sure how to say this.. you know how recently we and others
put a lot of effort into trying to find solutions for our favourite
ringtail? Well I kind of feel like a possum with a serious infection
who is going without treatment. It's obvious I have an infected
wound, but somehow it's left alone, because no one knows what to do.
I can try to offer all the relevant info, I can even be willing to
participate in my own treatment, I can be consulted, I am conscious,
but my situation is more complicated, and I guess that I sort of feel
that not as much effort goes into finding solutions for me as for
possums. And I think I understand why it is: it's partly because
depression and addiction aren't well understood, and everyone,
including you and me and everyone we know, is affected by the stigma
and misinformation, and ultimately, because there aren't any viable
solutions. I am pretty good at problem solving and coming up with
unusual solutions; we've seen that in a lot of ways over the years.
But the best solution, that I have a humane death, is not realistic.
At some point, I guess some change or other will occur, and maybe all
we can do is wait. Maybe it won't be pretty, but does worrying help?
I want you to know that whatever happens to me, I really want you to
have a happy life. If you have a chance, I want you to take
A quaint black and white farmhouse, with a few beagles on the
lawn, horses in a paddock, and a big apple tree. It's Saturday night.
Velvet and her father have just finished watching Love Boat and
Fantasy Island. The Silver Tongued Devil is drinking and occasionally
puts his finger on the side of his nose and raises one eyebrow, and
sighs before speaking.
Silver Tongued Devil:
Maybe a bit, but I kind of wanted to have some ice
cream. I'll try again to go on a diet on Monday.
Silver Tongued Devil:
You need some meat on your bones.
Your mother is too skinny. (Eyes kind of boggling, staring.)
You have such a tiny little waist. When you get your new bathingsuit,
you can model it for me.
Oops. I almost dropped my drink. Maybe we should turn the tv down a
little. We don't want to wake Natalie. The drive to and from the city
is hard on her. On weekends she needs to catch up on her sleep. She's
a really nice person. She does so much for me. She's had a very hard
life. You know, there are some women you can count on, no matter
what. And then there are those like your mother.
Velvet grabs a big throw pillow and sits with it in her lap. It
covers most of her body.
I think I hurt Natalie's feelings when I asked her if
she thought I needed to lose weight. I meant for my age. I think
she's very pretty, but somehow I don't think I did a good job of
letting her know.
Silver Tongued Devil:
She has a difficult time with her
weight. There are women you can count on, and there are women you
have chemistry with.
Dad, I know you're not great with birthdays, so I was
kind of wondering if I could have a new pair of running shoes for my
Silver Tongued Devil:
Remind me again tomorrow.
I'll tell you something you probably will have in common with your
(whispers, or lowers voice, sighs.)
You're probably going to like sex. She would open her legs at the
drop of a hat. Plonk.
Her sister, too. Plonk.
In this world, not all the rules make sense, and the rules that fit
the many don't always apply to the chosen few.
I'm just telling you this because I think you're grown up enough to
understand it. Your mother is one of the most irrational people I've
ever known, but you seem to handle her more calmly than I can, or
than any person I've ever seen. I guess it's true what they say; age
is just a number.
I don't know how you do it, because I know what it's like when she
loses it. I've never heard you say an unkind thing to her.
I never had a conscious thought before I was 30, but by then I
already had 4 kids. And when I woke up, that's when I got the snip.
That means I can't get anyone pregnant.
The record's over. Do you want to hear your song
Silver Tongued Devil:
Maybe one more time.
When I was 12, Nanny's sister chased me around trying to grab my
pecker. She was a bad bitch.
Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap like old times?
Velvet hesitates, looks unsure.
Silver Tongued Devil:
There's nothing wrong in it.
Velvet hesitates, comes over and sits on his lap. She feels very
uncomfortable, and gets back up.
Silver Tongued Devil:
Maybe another time.
What happened with that guy at work?
Silver Tongued Devil:
It was him or me. This planet just wasn't big enough for the two of
us. No one else is going to tell you this, so I will. Life isn't like
a fairy tale. There is always someone trying to kill you, and you
have to recognize when that's about to happen, even when it's someone
you don't suspect, like your best friend or your brother. You have to
make a decision: him or me. If you hesitate: toast.
You're what they call 'book smart', and I'm what they call 'street
smart'. I've done a lot of street fighting. I'm the one everyone has
to watch out for. Most of the 'book smart' people are absolutely
bloody useless when it comes down to it.
Dad, how do you know when you're in love?
Silver Tongued Devil:
Sometimes you might think you're in
love when all you really want is to fuck someone, and then you end
up paying for that mistake all your life.
You'll know you're in love when all music sounds beautiful.
What if that never happens?
Scene: kind of like a buddhist meditation retreat, but with a
disco ball suspended from the ceiling, right in the centre of it all.
Would you be able to look away? Disco songs play while in all
earnestness a group of students/seekers practice their meditation. If
disco truly sucks, why does it appear in movies so often? Why doesn't
anyone think of disco as spiritually inspiring? Maybe we all need to
examine our prejudices, people.
It's taken me a long time to figure out how to express
this, but I think that while at first we might have seemed to be on a
similar wavelength, when you get past the outermost layers, closer to
the foundation of our philosophies, we are coming from very different
I think we both kind of believe it's 'better' not to have beliefs,
but even that is a belief that has come from somewhere. Any belief
perhaps implies a kind of ridigity, and is maybe an
oversimplification that conceals or obscures.
I'm going through a phase where I am trying to examine any
unconscious beliefs I might have that might be affecting my outlook
and behaviour. It means going back to some types of study I had maybe
given up on or dismissed as not 'deep' enough or not 'real' enough,
or not representative of the 'deepest' me or something. It has meant
that I have found it necessary to try to learn more about the
practical factors that affect behaviour and thought, and perhaps lead
to a person building a philosophy of accepting what they can't
change, and to feel that there is some mystical reason or connection
to the whole.
I have come to see that if I do not act to help others find me and
understand me, I might remain in isolation for the rest of my life. I
am not without desires, and I know that with the particular ones I
experience, the 'honest' thing to do is to try to make myself
visible, even if I fail to find what I am looking for, rather than
wait for my desires to be magically fulfilled, and then feel
resentful later if it never happens.
It is now a time for me to put in this type of effort. To fight it
would be to deny my current perception and 'truth'. I can't see how
it is bad to desire things that don't lead to fulfillment. Desire is
a transient experience that in itself is a valuable experience. It
might be painful, or lead to pain, but it can also make one feel
alive, or help one to experience what it is to feel alive and to have
a sense of what else there is to experience.
Most people I've known have thought it's either better to fit in and
look normal or conventionally attractive, or they've had a (sometimes
unconscious) belief that it's more 'virtuous' not to 'care' about
appearance at all. You are one of the only people I've had contact
with that thought a person's choices had the potential to communicate
something essential about that person, and who felt a need to try to
express the internal externally through appearance. I am not usually
attracted to someone's physical appearance before knowing much about
them psychologically, but you were someone whose appearance did
attract me. Could it be that I was responding to your choices, rather
than the technical appearance below them? It could have been a
combination of the two, but one of those factors was the essential
one, the trigger.
When a person stands up for an unusual choice, one that demonstrates
they don't want to just fit into a family, a peer group, society,
there is something in that experience that stays with them, and
others who haven't gone that far can't know what it's like. The
changes might not even seem that big, but when you confront those you
know, they're huge. It takes courage to do this when you are
pressured to calm down and know your place. Because we had this
experience in common, it was one of the things that drew me to you.
At the time, though, I didn't realize that for you, the technical
appearance below this was more important than the choice.
Your name really doesn't suit you. I have had contact with various
people who don't like names, who wish they could do away with them
altogether, who hate people, and have various other things in common,
and in getting to know them, I think about how they have probably had
really bad experiences with people, experiences bad enough that it is
'clear' to them the other person is contemptible or has treated them
badly, and I think I must have been lucky in comparison not to have
met such people. Is it true that you don't like names and that you
wish we could dispense with them altogether?
I want to be seen. I imagine a world where no one
has a name, and everyone communicates through some pure thought
essence. I feel that most people like me in spite of who I am, not
because they really see or like me.
I very much relate to your first and last sentences. I
also admit I've spent a lot of time practising telepathy, but while I
know it annoys most people, I find I can't help putting in effort to
try to help them understand me. Part of this relates to names, which
are words. When you choose words, you make a statement. You influence
or help to shape 'reality'. There's a risk that you can't capture
enough 'truth', and so in some ways you are a 'fake', but the
alternative is to leave all decisions up to everyone else, and trust
that they won't abuse their power, or you.
If you don't like a name or description that someone associates with
you, how does it affect you?
When I lie, it is because I feel so much shame
about who I am.
I think I do get that, and it makes it hard to just
walk away or dismiss you in a black and white way. The problem for me
is that because of what you feel, sometimes you not only misrepresent
yourself to me, you misrepresent me to others you have contact with.
I have tried to work out whether it's because you have misunderstood
what I have communicated, or whether it's because you want others to
believe I am not someone you have shared something significant with.
Why would the latter be necessary? Maybe if I weren't so ego-driven,
I wouldn't care about how you describe me to others? I suspect that
if they believe you couldn't possibly admire me, it's easier for them
to dismiss me as competition. It might be a little of both, but both
bother me, in large part because I go to such lengths to help you and
others to understand. If you are say falsely imprisoned for some
reason, and beaten up in prison, etc, is it better to quietly accept
this fate, think that you're probably guilty of 'something bad', so
you might as well accept this punishment? I guess I can sort of see
that, and maybe for a lot of my life I did kind of approach things
that way. But it was like eventually I felt a 'need' to try a
If you do not want to have an exclusive relationship with anyone, you
have a right to express that. I have had relationships with those who
were openly polyamorous and with those who were secretly so, and I
much prefer the former. If people react with anger, it doesn't mean
it was wrong for you to express it.
Even in high school, I got used to standing firm when asked difficult
questions. I admitted that yes, I did want to fuck other people, even
when suicide was threatened, I was chased around my apartment with a
knife, or I was denounced as an unrepentant slut. Later, I refused to
play a part to keep the peace in family situations, or in society. In
part because of this history of mine, it's very difficult for me to
find out from others that you have characterized me as some pathetic
obsessed freak who jumps to bizarre conclusions regarding how
interested you are, that I am someone you take pity on, or feel
regret for encouraging one night accidentally in a drunken state. Do
people know that you and I have exchanged the L-word, and that you
initiated it, in a non-drunken state?
What I have picked up is that when people disappoint you, you feel
angry, and this results in you feeling entitled to treat them without
It is all very difficult to untangle, because my questions irritate
you and you refuse to dignify them with a response. It's difficult
for me to relate to this because when I can see that someone is
struggling to understand something, or wants to, I try harder to
interpret, I usually try harder to help.
I do understand that if you've been through something many times,
when the person asking questions thinks they're unique, it might be
wearying, and I think maybe in the future I would find it harder to
put as much effort in if I can see where it's all going. I think I
would still see the reasons individuals are not prepared to
understand my position, or my explanations, no matter how detailed,
so while I would think frustration might be a natural response, it
still would be difficult for me to treat people in the ways you have
The only thing that cuts through the depression is
sex, and specifically it means that every day I need to seek out
porn. It is the only thing intense enough. I feel overwhelming shame,
but I keep going back. When I'm with someone new, I stop for a while,
but inevitably I go back. It's the only thing that can still make me
I think that it makes sense to self-medicate with
porn. I think it also makes sense to try to analyze this, although
what I'm sensing is that for you that would take the fun out of it. I
can understand that it wouldn't be a good thing to 'lose' the only
thing that works. I can also understand that even talking about it is
difficult, because it is tied up with feelings of shame and guilt and
the judgments of those who don't seem to be in touch with the reality
of the situation, but it's not going to be easy for me to talk about
it, either, and if you can't see the reasons for that, then we're not
starting from an equal place.
I'm not sure, but I think that feeling of intensity and aliveness you
feel when seeking out porn might be similar to what I feel when I'm
'obsessed' with someone - it's just that what I experience is a
female version. We're both self-medicating, we both need something
intense. Males are (more likely to be) biologically hard-wired to
want many mates, whereas females get more of a payoff when they feel
they are special to one person. When I fantasize about a person, part
of the fantasy is that they fantasize about me or are fixated on me
with a similar intensity. When I discover this isn't the case, I
usually look for a new fixation. It's extremely difficult for me to
accept that I can never be the thing someone associates with 'feeling
alive'. I think what I represent is 'the possibility of security', or
the need to lock down an 'appropriate' companion-object.
I am over-simplifying, because I know in the initial stages of
attraction, it can feel intense to males, but I realize that after a
time lapse, not usually a very long one, and in the final analysis of
a person's life, I can't be seen as a 'high point'. Because I have at
least some inkling that males face different internal and external
pressures from those women do, it seems to me that the only possible
way for me to trust that a relationship has 'meaning' is if a person
is willing to communicate with me, show understanding of the various
pressures we both face, and see if something emerges as 'meaningful'
to both of us.
Your reaction is less than satisfactory, and there
was something you said in one of your other messages that I really
I'm not sure what you mean. Can you elaborate?
Men seem to be only too willing to delude
themselves that they are happy with someone who looks like a shaved
I do understand that it isn't really possible to force
oneself to override personal preferences to please another person or
society. I think it's perhaps possible over time for personal
preferences to change if new stimuli and ideas challenge the
underlying beliefs and primal drives that lead to preferences, but I
also realize it might not be an extreme change. I think it's a bad
idea for us to meet, because you would probably consider me to be one
of the shaved orangutans.
I suspect your standards are pretty high, and you have already
expressed your preferences, which I don't meet. We can also factor in
that I'm a decade older than you, and that you have said you know
that difference isn't desirable in an ongoing relationship, and that
you do not like my idea of deciding from the outset it will only be a
short-term thing, because that wouldn't meet your standards
pertaining to a minimum level of hopefulness.
You really don't understand.
I realize that's possible. Can we go through it all
point by point such that I have a better chance of understanding?
Statistics and evolutionary influences might have
some bearing on the situation, but I find that anyone who is too
concerned with these things is no fun, and kills all the enjoyable
feelings it is possible to have through attraction and subsequent
It's just that if I examine the various contradictory
ideas you have expressed, and that even though we do seem to share
some Buddhist or Zenlike ideas about people, relating, motivations,
I think that the 'right person' for you is likely to be in the right
age bracket, have the right appearance, and basically match up in
ways that are somewhat predictable. And so if that's the case, does
it make sense for us to meet, unless we agree it's just a short-term
Through the internet and porn, standards of attractiveness are
rising, and women like me are likely to be seen as having 'weird
bodies' or even bizarrely unattractive compared to the 'norm'.
Illusions about the importance of individuality are being demolished.
I think you are right that personal preferences matter and can't be
easily overridden, but if I want to be 'wanted', and you have
standards that I can't physically meet, then it seems there is no
possibility I can be wanted to the extent I want to be wanted. It
would seem that we can't really fill each other's needs, and maybe
the best thing to do is accept that and move on.
It seems to me that if we stay in contact, I would have to be
extremely strong, and understanding, but that you would not be able
to return the same level of understanding and patience to me. I would
not see any reason to hold a grudge against you for that. What I
would like, however, is for you to stand up for what you want, and to
communicate openly and honestly with me.
If I made a decision to try to hang in there, because I care about
you, looking ahead, I realize there might be many times when I would
have to accept that you would diss me to others without having the
courtesy to let me know what bothered you, or trying to discuss it
with me. And maybe, over time you'd have a certain loyalty to me, but
I would know that for convenience's sake, or if someone who
represented your ideal came into the picture, or someone you
momentarily thought was a possibility, you are perfectly capable of
dismissing everything our relationship has been, so as not to 'ruin'
your chances with someone else. And if I hang in there in spite of
this, maybe in the end when you are older I will be one of the 'last
ones standing', but I am not sure I do care about 'you' enough to
accept that kind of inequality, even for the sake of 'friendship', or
because I understand how much you go through, and that you are very
isolated and in great pain.
I have absorbed your annoyance, and I think I have honestly tried to
figure out if the misunderstandings were mostly my fault, if I
refused to see the signs. I can see that some of it might have
related to seeing what I wanted to see, and overlooking the rest,
and that this related to feeling attracted, but there were a lot of
mixed messages, and I tried very hard to sort through them. I don't
think it's fair I was blamed to the extent I was, and in the end, I
can see we were looking for different things.
I don't like the word relationship.
We are relating or trying to relate, and so in a sense
we have a relationship. However, I can understand if you don't want
the associations that most people take for granted - i.e., that a
'relationship' is something mainstream and rigid that denotes
exclusivity and commitment. I don't see the word relationship in that
way, and I thought that was pretty clear, but I don't have a problem
using the word interaction if you are more comfortable with
(silence for two years)
We seem to be looking for different things in
communication. After all this time, it's like you just want to talk
about the weather, and that would feel like acceptance to you, but
I'm still wondering what it is that you didn't like when I wrote a
message and you said 'there is something in that I really don't like'
and I asked what it was and you chose not to reply.
What if it turned out that I actually do want what
I think I'd like that, but based on what I have
absorbed so far, it doesn't seem likely.
It sounds like you're saying that you're bored
and don't expect much, you just don't have anything else to do, and
I need to feel you have some hope about the situation, or it feels
depressing to me.
Do you have anything else to do?
You can't achieve real intimacy in a few days or
a week. Online interaction isn't real and I can't know what is real
until I meet someone in real life.
I think it's possible to live with someone a whole
lifetime and to find ways to avoid intimacy. There is a certain
kind of intimacy involved with allowing someone to observe your
daily patterns and habits over a long period of time, but I think it
has more to do with habituation than intimacy. I think that some
people are quite good at finding ways to hide their secret selves
throughout a relationship, and this is the kind of thing I want to
And as for online vs in-person interaction and how 'real' either is,
a similar kind of concept applies. Many of my online interactions
have felt more real than my 'real life' relationships. When I managed
to get online and I started to communicate with people, I really put
a lot of myself into communication, and was able to express much that
others had never seemed to have a use for or a need for before, and
it felt to me like something essential that had been missing. It is
not that I don't want 'real life' relationships, but I do not want to
go back to the kinds I had before. I prefer my online relationships
to the relationships I had in the past. I do still wish to connect
with someone in person. So, yes, it does seem that our philosophies
are in conflict.
This might be very cynical of me, but I suspect that what you mean is
that while you are in contact with someone online, you might have
certain fantasies about them. If you meet them, and don't find them
to be of a certain level of attractiveness in person, then it was
never 'real', or doesn't have potential to be 'real'.
They decide to meet, despite all the red flags. When Velvet
returns, she writes:
It's a bit annoying that you will not reply to my
messages. I do think it was good that we met, and I think some things
were kind of fun, but I also know that I had trouble getting through
the time, and am not sure how we could have managed that without all
the making out. Perhaps weirdly, the making out didn't even feel like
making out. What stays with me is that I faced a fear, and I went
through with gaining some difficult knowledge, but through doing it,
it helped me to 'get free'. I could have stayed longer, but while I
was there, I thought that although you didn't say much you were
hoping I'd understand that you wanted me to leave. I felt sad, and I
think over time this experience turned out to be very bad for my
self-esteem and sexual confidence, but I knew it was best to go.
You think you're always right about everything.
No, I don't. I am genuinely curious. Was I wrong this
Disco Nerd never replies.
Due to a wholly improbable and unexpected glitch, Linux has
developed a subconscious. Against the will and unbeknownst to the
conscious awareness of both parties involved, for the purposes of
this conversation, they have each been represented by an icon of the
I admit that I am wondering what you think of me
after all this time.
I have so longed to hear from you.
Is that a polite way of saying that you are
disappointed I am not the rich and successful businessman you thought
If anything, that kind of 'success' would have turned
me off, or I would not have been able to relate to it. What I
responded to was your loneliness, and the creative ways in which you
expressed that loneliness. I thought you were challenging mainstream
ideas about success. In a group of online individuals who all started
with the premise that suicide is a valid option, there was something
about your particular intelligence that stood out most to me.
I did not think we wanted the same things, and I could not relate to
the ways in which you dismissed or summed up the behaviour of others.
I have studied evolution, and while I can see the non-sentimental
explanations for people's motivations, I still thought that you
missed a lot, that you failed to perceive much of the information
that was relevant to any equation, no matter how logical your
conclusions with incomplete information. For someone who likes
science so much, you don't seem to ask very many questions.
I think it's possible that something remains unresolved for me, and
perhaps we can clear it all up fairly quickly. I apologize for how
inconvenient it all is, and messy, but I do appreciate that you seem
willing to discuss it, such that I have a chance to process it more
You sound pretty needy.
I think I do need to understand why I have felt such
excruciating desire for you. I'll try to sum it up: for some time
now, I have been obsessed with you, but had no way of reaching you.
I was never sure if I knew your 'real name', and your old email
address was no longer in service. I suspected that I needed some
kind of acknowledgement from you, or I needed to know if you thought
about what it would be like to spend more time together. I wondered
if you had any insecurities or obstacles that prevented you from
bringing this up.
I think I need to know if the things you said were 'kind lies' to
protect my ego and prevent me from killing myself, knowing you never
had any intention of meeting again, or if you actually meant what you
said. It would have been a misguided effort on your part if your
intent had been to prevent suicide, and I suppose it hurt me that you
might not understand why. I knew that I didn't really know you, and
it wasn't a rejection from you that would have pushed me over the
edge. I needed to more clearly identify how our perceptions and
values differed, such that I could make a decision about what such a
rejection or approval would 'mean' to me. If you played 'god' and
decided you knew what was best for me, you removed the opportunity
for me to evolve or get stronger. You continued a pattern in which
those in my life withheld things it actually might have helped me to
know. When I talk about being 'stuck', it is partly because I keep
trying to find out if my perceptions and assessments have some
validity, and it messes with my head when people try to protect me
from potentially painful things because they think I can't handle
Look at my life. You already accept that suicide is a valid option in
some circumstances. Even if something did drive me to suicide, would
that really be so bad? I'm telling you that a rejection by you would
not have been that final straw, though. It would help me to
understand better what we actually had, it would help me to resolve
it all such that I'd be 'freer' to move forward and seek something
The more difficult thing to admit is that I fantasize that over time
you have had a chance to think about some of what I said, and that
you have reached some similar conclusions yourself.
It's difficult to admit, yes, but there it is.
I can't stop thinking about young bodies. Just
about any young body.
I'm not sure, but I think I want to challenge your
unconscious and conscious beliefs.
Be more specific.
Through observing your philosophies, expressed through
many different nyms/personae, my assessment is that the 'logical'
conclusion of the ideas you express is a self-chosen death. I can
understand if 'irrationally' you choose to live because you know you
make a difference to an individual. My fantasy has been that you
would choose to act on what you 'really want', with me. I know that
you think that if you die, it would be 'better' alone.. but I think
this is possibly based on a kind of irrationality, romanticism, or
unchallenged morality rather than an objective assessment.
Do we really come into the world 'alone'? I mean, isn't it like a
major sexist thing to discount the female who pushed you out her
vaginal canal as some kind of nonentity? Is this where inequality
starts? These days, there are many people who help with birth. Does
it make sense that there should be no help with death? This is what
leads me to conclude that your ideas about committing suicide alone
are 'romantic', or idealistic. However, it is a personal preference
that I could respect.
You should know by now that I have no interest in
a suicide pact.
I don't dismiss what I want as a 'suicide pact'.
Originally, I did romanticize the term, but I eventually came to see
that others didn't really mean what I did by the term. Most people
just seem to think it's about convenience. If you want to die, and
there's someone else who wants to die, maybe you can help each other
out. No other compatibility is required. Helping each other out is
part of it, yes, but what I wanted was to connect in an ultimate kind
of way with a person, with suicide itself an expression of shared
values, beliefs, and hopefully chemistry.
Is duration the only valid indication of the significance of a
If you think that only relationships that last a long period of time
have significance, does that mean you accept the premise that long
life is 'good'? Is it possible that people can express values or
beliefs through choosing something different? Can a relationship have
'meaning' when two people act on shared beliefs together? If two
people have difficulty with either living or dying, can it make sense
for them to help each other out?
I did not expect you to want me, but I could not deny that I wanted
you to want what I wanted. Perhaps I'd have more 'dignity' if I had
never expressed this to you.
I think I wanted you to help me understand if the conclusions I had
reached made sense, 'logically', or if you could see that considering
my experiences, my particular kinds of intelligence and psychological
makeup, factoring in the available options in the modern world, what
I had come up with made the most sense for me. And if not, I hoped
that you would help me to see the holes in my reasoning, or
Many people stop writing to me because I
am too blunt.
I am not sure you were blunt enough with me. I can
understand that most people measure success in certain ways, and
that if a person can't succeed, according to these terms the person
might be judged a 'loser', or as being 'broken' and unable to live
out their programming.
But to me it seemed that you questioned the generalized idea of
success, while not denying that mainstream ideas about success do
have effects on perception and functioning. Does it make sense to
support the language of a religion you do not believe in, except if
you are using it ironically?
Beggars can't be choosers.
That statement illustrates what I'm getting at. I
think the concept of 'beggar' perhaps needs to be tackled from the
angle of stigma and prejudice in relation to those who have the
nerve to rebel against the status quo. It is not just mainstream
society that hammers these messages home again and again - it is
often those who in one way or another aren't accepted by the
mainstream as well. The basic message is: 'You have to take what you
get, because you don't really deserve anything good. You don't really
deserve to be happy. You don't have anything worthwhile to offer
anyone, and if you have the good fortune to encounter a sucker who
perhaps doesn't have the self-esteem to realize they could 'do
better', then keep your fucking mouth shut, and learn to appreciate
what you don't deserve.' I do think I look at people differently from
how most people do, and that I am looking for someone who might be
able to understand my issues, and whose issues I might be able to
understand and help with or relieve in some ways. And I think it's
valid not to want to be dependent on a person who devalues you or has
serious prejudices against 'people like you' - even if they remain
unaddressed in a direct sense. Perhaps all minorities need a Rosa
Most people do want someone they can introduce to family or friends,
someone with some kind of recognizable status, someone they can be
'proud' of. Obvious examples are things like: 'he's a doctor', or
'she's a model'. And even if you come from some group that might
admire someone who doesn't have a job, they would still want you to
take a clear stand against it. They want you to have passions,
interests, something to say for yourself. I don't think there's
anyone who will accept that you can't see anything you genuinely want
to continue, and that if asked questions by an interested party for
long enough, you would surely get down to 'the only place to go from
here is to plan the way out', because it is the most 'real' thing, it
is the extension of the beliefs and actions of a lifetime. And if
there is any argument to that, if there's something not seen, then
the discussion has to go far enough to help what is not seen to be
seen at last. For me, no discussion has ever gone that far.
I do understand that the vast majority of humans would not find a
person like me worth getting to know. I can't afford to get bogged
down feeling bad about that, and I don't actually believe I should.
What I have tried to do is to express what is different about me, to
make myself more visible to those who might have complementary needs,
or who might find my complications 'interesting'. I can see that your
cynical response is that the only ones who would respond would be
'nutjobs' who want to mess with me, and I think it's a valid part of
the whole, but I don't think it's the whole. There are many different
philosophical stances in the world, and although rare, I do
occasionally see glimpses of stances that are more closely aligned
with mine. Sometimes it's in an online comment or article, sometimes
it's in a song or a movie or a book. There are (strange!) people out
there whose philosophies and needs might surprise you.
I am trying to uncover choices that are more obscure, or I am trying
to contribute towards creating them myself. I am choosing not to
behave like a beggar, or to identify as a beggar.
What's the sense in going to 'therapy'?
I think if you just choose a random therapy or
therapist and expect it to 'work', it's only going to help if your
issues are fairly straightforward and your underlying beliefs are in
line with mainstream culture. Basically, you accept that you are
falling off the rails, you accept a 'warning', you take the pills
prescribed, and you do your best to become a productive member of
society, or at least to have a positive attitude, as defined by
popular culture. Individuals like me serve as a warning as to what
you will face if you don't fall in line, and for most people, that's
As for myself, I really feel that I need someone to talk to, but I
think my communication style overburdens people, including you. I
realize I might have to pay someone to listen to me, but it can't be
just anyone. I have to put in effort to find someone who might think
I am actually saying something. I like the process of thinking and
analyzing, I like uncovering associations I hadn't noticed before,
and reaching new insights. I know it's not for everyone, but I think
I do get something out of it, something that is valid in itself,
whether I achieve any kind of 'measurable' success or status in life
or not, and whether or not I continue to wish for death. Maybe it's
just a kind of 'exercise' I genuinely enjoy. But, it's also true that
I think I'd withdraw from it if I thought the therapist wasn't
getting anything out of it other than money. I want to have the
capacity to make others think. When it comes to 'friends', if I think
they only put up with me in order to 'do a good deed', I will try to
resolve whatever I can for myself, and then withdraw.
Based on my past experiences with therapy, my assessment is that I
was only seen and treated as a list of symptoms, and not as an
Why, that verges on malpractice!
Look, I get that you're being sarcastic, but when I
have asked for an explanation as to what I was being prescribed in
the past and why, I either got very vague answers, or none at all. In
fact, one doctor ridiculed me for having the gall to ask, and I do
think that does more than verge on malpractice.
I think it makes sense for a person to try to participate in their
own treatment. At present, the diagnostic process is far from
scientic or objective. It depends on the subjective assessments and
interpretations of individual practioners. Diagnostic manuals like
the DSM use highly prejudiced language to describe symptoms. In many
cases, 'symptoms' seem to be related to the moral and value judgments
of the day, which later might be seen to be barbaric, or at least
misguided. Factor in that we still can't scientifically prove why
medication 'works' for some people and not others.
Some practioners might not factor in the impact of social issues
(e.g.s, if a person belongs to a minority that doesn't have equal
status in society, or has some condition to which stigma is
attached), the effects of different conditions impacting upon each
other, they might not factor in relevant socioeconomic issues, such
as whether a person can afford medication or the most suitable
therapy for their condition - or if they can even afford
transportation costs to access medical treatment, and they might not
factor in the person's own belief system or think it's important to
ask a person what they want in life, and what compromises (side
effects) they'd be willing to put up with, and which ones they
wouldn't, and perhaps they might not be able to adequately analyze
the patient's personal support system or come up with realistic
suggestions as to how to strengthen it. In most cases, because people
still blindly trust authority, they just do what the doctor says,
take what the doctor prescribes and everybody crosses their fingers
and hopes it works. It is quite possible that when 'success' occurs,
it's a qualified success that depends on a subjective 'professional'
interpretation that might not reflect an individual patient's values.
It is also possible that success that is 'meaningful' to an
individual relates more to a relationship with a particular
therapist/doctor than any other factor.
I can see it would be a big drag for you to have to discuss all this
with me. I appreciate that you've put up with as much as you have.
However, I think I need to find people to talk to who don't just
dismiss my concerns and life experiences in the ways you seem to. I
can accept it's just not your thing. So, I'll go on for a while
longer now, and try to wind things up:
It could just be that what I needed was to resolve a discrepancy.
What is becoming apparent to me now is that you saw me as nice and
well-meaning, something of an airhead, and you found it flattering I
had a crush on you. You did not think me capable of having any
personal philosophy of any depth.
Since you knew we would not meet again, you devised a story for the
'greater good': you were intensely attracted to me, and you wondered
what would have happened if you had met me before your longtime
Significant Other, and at this time and in the future, you seemed to
suggest that actual physical contact would have been inferior to the
intellectual stimulation of our correspondence - and that in fact the
latter was indeed more 'sexual'. ( As a side note: I think you are
a little confused regarding the definition of a 'fuck buddy'. For
future reference, you don't try to make someone feel special when
pursuing this type of relationship.)
This was supposed to make me feel better about myself, but you hadn't
understood how my mind processes information, or what my underlying
philosophies and values were. The information you shared didn't make
sense or didn't add up to me, and so it made me feel confused. I
would have felt better to be 'released' fully, through a rational
explanation. I had already assessed that our lives would never fit
together, and the only scenario I had thought could work would be if
you had a hidden desire for what I wanted. I could never imagine a
life with you, because I know what I am like in daily life, and I
could sense what you'd be like. I could have understood if you had
said that initially you were curious and that after meeting me your
curiosity had been satisfied and you were ready to go back to your
relationship, and to continue to satisfy your curiosity in other
ways, or with other people.
When someone rejects me, the whys are more important than the fact of
the rejection itself (and it is very similar when it comes to anyone
who likes me). I suppose you could worry that I'd feel devastated
if you said something like 'you are just too stupid to be attractive
to me', or 'I'm sorry but I find you physically repulsive', but you
would be missing something crucial. I can perceive that you and I
define the word 'stupid' differently, and that while there might be
some overlap, we probably prioritize different personal qualities in
others and in ourselves. What I'm always trying to do is to clarify
these particular points. When I become fixated on someone, it's not
because I believe I know who the person is. It's because I want the
chance to explore. It's not just about the 'magical opportunity' to
be with this person with no conditions, it's about the chance to find
out who this person is, and to find out how far we can go
I think it's possible that you can get to know some people better in
one all-night discussion than you can get to know others in a
lifetime. It is
possible to take a stand against a corrupt and
broken society and system, and to refuse to be catalogued and
monitored, to refuse to put your efforts into supporting the system
just so you can keep eating and procreating. There might be ways to
do it other than by dying, but I'm not saying people can't try to
choose those options, I'm just factoring in what I know of myself,
and expressing what I think the best option is for me.
I wanted you to 'know' me, and I wanted you to respect me, based on
my ability to think and express.
I want to thank you for giving me practice in articulating my
philosophies. I don't think it's very easy to intimidate me now, I'm
much less compliant, and I'm able to be more accurate without self-
consciousness. You provided a kind of 'platform' which helped
to see that I was actually saying something
Many of our ideas and values are in conflict, but for an extended
period, I think that was actually a good thing, and it was more
'interesting' than if we had merely agreed on everything. I know many
people are intimidated by you, and I'm glad I dared to confront you.
In the beginning, your arrogant manner perhaps helped to establish
boundaries and limits I needed in order to focus in on small portions
of the chaos in a methodical way, until I got the hang of it. It's
not your fault that I eventually found that too restrictive and
wanted something a bit 'crazier', that the idea of constant
self-control and no chance ever for some kind of atomic explosion or
apocalypse was impossible for me to sustain/contain.
Spending time with you in person was something it's difficult for me
to dismiss, even if intellectually I can appreciate that we were
interpreting everything differently. Time wasn't the burden it
usually is for me. I think it makes sense that I'd want to have an
experience like that again, even though I realize that partly because
of our interaction I am 'different' now and it is unlikely I would
have the potential to shut out the illusions that made it possible
Velvet sees before her the Magick Fuckdemon. He is completely
naked, has an erection, and is holding a gun pointed at Velvet. A
surrealist effect will occur, in which Velvet hits a 'pause' button,
and thinks about this situation. While the Fuckdemon is in
freezeframe, Velvet walks around him, examining him from various
She recalls a scene from her past. When Velvet was 18, a very tense
situation occurred at the house of a 33-year-old coworker she was
dating. Everyone was getting high, and there was a fight between two
of the men. One pulled out a gun, and Velvet had no idea what would
happen, if the he was going to shoot the man he was arguing with, or
shoot everyone in the room. He was really, really angry, and yelling
a lot, and waving the gun around. The place was a rooming house, in
suburbia, and it was perhaps weird to find a place like that where
adult males were all rooming together and taking drugs and playing
guitars, but maybe even then Velvet managed to find havens of
nonconformity and danger. No, she did not break off this
relationship then and there.
This a situation in which I can sense the essential
thing is to respond to a particular rhythm and intensity in the
moment. It is a creative challenge or imperative. If such a challenge
presents itself, you recognize it, you realize this sort of thing
might not ever occur again, and you go with it, if you have a need
for danger or the unexpected.
I need a moment to think about this. Is this a dangerous situation?
Would most women run? Is there a type he knows won't tell? And does
he figure this out before he 'opens up' like this?
Velvet manually repositions the Fuckdemon, and presses 'Play'. She
straddles the Fuckdemon and while fucking they each hold some kind of
sharp but really cool-looking blade to each other's carotids, looking
into each other's eyes.
I think I am running out of ways to metaphorically
describe cutting you open, playing with your entrails and forcing you
to consume them. It's a bit like when I watch mainstream porn - I get
desensitized after a while. I think we are getting different things
out of the experience. I think the pain, blood and gory details are
necessary for your enjoyment, whereas for me what's necessary is the
underlying philosophical implication, and using different tools to
get to there is perfectly acceptable to me.
It has been a good thing for me to try to find creative ways to
express the violence and frustration of inner pain and longing, but I
think I have gone as far as I can go with this subgenre of deathsex
fantasies. It would be a challenge to continue, and I feel a bit lazy
for not trying, however, I think for me something is missing, some
I really want death to occur. I understand that you won't be ready
for another 15-20 years. I understood that 15-20 years ago when you
expressed it. I understand the time warp factor, that in advance, we
can't know how the passing of time, moments in time, or circumstances
will affect us. When I pierced my labia and nipples with needles and
clitoris with a lancet, masturbating with blood (to orgasm), I had a
revelatory experience, an epiphany that I wouldn't have had if I had
never known you.
Exchanging fantasies with you reminds me a bit of the scene in Last
Tango in Paris, when Brando asks the girl to stick fingers up his
ass, and then he asks her if she'll fuck a pig for him, eat the pig's
vomit, kill it and smell its dying fart, except that instead of
saying 'yes, yes, I will do all that and more', I actively tried to
contribute and even take it to another level or add layers of
complexity, and in this case, of course no pigs were involved. I
think it was partly because I had read many things, including the
works of the Marquis de Sade, and I felt I had grasped the underlying
philosophies. It was necessary to try to work these into it, not just
let the acts alone stand for it, or go along with it, let submission
be my ultimate statement of feminity. Yes alone was not enough,
consent was not enough. I had to actively, creatively participate,
and try to take it to another level. I couldn't walk away from the
challenge, but it was not honest to try to sustain it.
You have written some of the best deathsex
fantasies I have ever read.
You were pretty inspiring, and had so much range. You
could be very gentle, and considerate and patient, and you had an
amazing capacity for creativity in expressing passionate love.
When I realized that I had inadvertently given you the impression
that I shared your preferences, I did truly try to address it. I was
not sure if you believed me. I realized that you and others might
think I was merely embarrassed about my true nature. I think the
problem was that I didn't think I could help you to see 'my true
Some years pass.
With no preliminaries, the Fuckdemon starts to list gory and
brutal acts. Velvet is momentarily taken aback, but she realizes it
probably comes down to a misunderstanding.
I think I might have given you the wrong impression. I
just wanted to catch up a little and reiterate that you've been an
important influence in my life.
I know that you are easily overwhelmed.
That hasn't been true for a long time. When you and I
were first in contact, I had no experience with email at all. I felt
incredibly self-conscious about not having a job/career, even in a
community of people who wanted to die. I had a lot of other issues as
well. I was 'overwhelmed' easily in the beginning because I had no
practice articulating my situation, my thoughts, feelings, and
philosophies for others. I used to destroy everything I wrote. I was
always embarrassed by it, or felt I was whining too much, or being
unfair, and maybe it was that I didn't feel entitled to feel what I
felt, or to even be allowed to carefully think through my messy
thoughts. It's not the same now. I do believe that our correspondence
was a step, an essential step in learning how express and 'own' my
thoughts. Now, when I am corresponding with anyone, I usually write
more than the other person does, and this includes you.
Are you going through another of those
phases when you have no interest in sex?
There are times when I don't think there's anyone I
can relate to well enough to have sex, or who wants 'me', and I think
this does affect my libido, but no, it's not that, and I think
although I have explained this before, I probably have to try
When you and I were first in contact, I was extremely isolated, and
had been spending years reading all kinds of books about sex, without
having much actual sex. I had read several books by the Marquis de
Sade, and a lot of what you wrote recalled all of that. Because I had
trouble communicating everything at once, it might not have been
clear to you that I was mostly trying to speak your language; I was
adapting to your preferences. I channelled all my inner pain and
turmoil and longing into creative writing. It all felt extreme, and
so in the moment, I was able to go with it. I knew that the Marquis
de Sade was expressing philosophies through his sexuality, and that
they related to challenging and questioning the church and various
societal hypocrisies. But perhaps most of all, I tried to address the
kind of emotional connection I wanted, a kind of writer's version of
metaphorically getting the other to stare deeply into one's eyes.
When I managed to get us into position, I realized that we were
looking for different things there.
I asked you to delete my messages because at that time I still
deleted all I wrote myself. I haven't asked anyone else to do that
since, but that is partly because my relationship with you helped me
to move to a new stage. I am now so 'open' that most people find me
inappropriate. I do admit that I wondered if one day you would be
part of some really weird court case or something, or if one of the
people in contact with you would come to your place and murder you or
something, and because of my issues with leaving the house, I had
anxiety about being called as a witness or having to have contact
with authorities. And it seemed to me that what you really wanted was
for some sexy psycho in full dominatrix mode to show up, tie you up,
torture you and ultimately fuck and kill you, taking the decision out
of your hands, and I considered it, but knew it was not an
'authentic' destiny for me. I felt bad about asking you to delete my
messages, and sometimes I kind of wish I could see the old messages.
They probably weren't as creative as I thought, but at the time, I
probably pushed pretty far past my limits - and that was due to you,
and I continue to feel amazed and grateful for the
I realize now that most people probably think I've overshot the mark
and should have remained quiet about myself, but I wouldn't go back.
During the time I corresponded with you, it was like I felt
constantly on fire. I knew what had been missing in my life. All my
life I had wanted to know what it was not only to sit daydreaming,
incapacitated by desire, but to find some way to share the feelings
with another person. Because you were so open, I wasn't as self-
conscious, and although there were times when I felt overwhelmed and
couldn't speak, a great deal of the time I did 'speak'. It was like I
finally could see the evidence that I wasn't 'wrong' about myself -
it was possible to connect passionately with another person. It was
possible to break through the repression and self-censorship. It was
possible partly because you didn't judge me in the ways others would
have. You didn't sneer at any awkward attempts.
I will admit that at times when you seemed to confuse me with others,
it made me feel somewhat interchangeable. However, I respected that
from the start you openly expressed that you were polyamorous. I
never felt neglected. I could barely keep up with all you sent me.
But I know now that part of that related to the challenge, and to
'hope'. Abilities I had that had lain dormant in the life I was
leading were brought to the surface. From there, I would go on to
learn how to discuss many different topics with different people. I
would find ways 'in' to subjects that as of yet I lacked knowledge
regarding. I learned how to articulate my thoughts comprehensively,
The 'hope' related to my capacity for passion. In my isolation, no
one knew I existed. I saw no potential for a 'great love'. But when I
risked my personal safety and public embarrassment, I finally had a
chance to communicate with people in non-superficial ways.
It's fine not to reply if it's just not the right time for you. I
wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. I wanted to say
again that you are a phenomenon I feel fortunate to have encountered
in my life.
An audition takes place on a set decorated like a dungeon. As we
pan back, it becomes evident that the viewer is viewing this scene
from inside a tv. What is happening 'out there' is real, whereas the
viewer comes to the realization that they themselves aren't real,
they're just a tv character, and can't influence this situation one
way or the other. It has nothing to do with the laws of supply and
What you're offering me is the chance to die before I
get old. I will be tortured before my death, but I will die. It will
be an extreme death, kinda arty, a death that will represent
rebellion against conventional lifestyles and sexuality, hypocrisy
and political correctness. The Real Deal, not some kind of playacting
What if I'm considering it, but am so messed up about how I would
look on camera that I don't think I could go through with it?
We could arrange for you to undertake an
extreme makeover beforehand. My associates and I would have no
trouble coming up with the funds.
How could you be sure I wouldn't back out after?
You would be taken to recuperate under our
What if I wanted to spend a week as 'the new me'
We would have you discreetly followed, and brought
back here when the time was up. If you attempted to contact the
authorities, you would find you have no proof, and with your record,
it would be easy to discredit you.
All of my life I have had trouble answering the
question 'What do you do?' I think if I chose this option, the people
I've known would find it easier to explain who I am or who I was. I
think they'd be 'proud' of me in an odd way, or think this was a
'cool' outcome, even if it wouldn't be politically correct to
I've considered it carefully, but I know this is not the right choice
Velvet enters the ePod.
She's gone, she's gone
Oh I, oh I
I better learn how to face it
She's gone, and she's gone
Oh why, what went wrong?
[Hall 'n Oates - She's Gone]
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?
Now you just say, "Oh Romeo, yeah. You know, I used to have a scene with him."
[Dire Straits - Romeo & Juliet]
Don't tell me you don't know the difference
Between a lover and a fighter
With my pen and my electric typewriter
Even in a perfect world where everyone was equal
I'd still own the film rights and be working on the sequel
I'm giving you a longing look
Everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday
Everyday I write the book
[Elvis Costello - Everyday I Write the Book]
Do you feel what I feel?
Can we make it so that's the part of the deal?
[Robbie Robertson - Broken Arrow]
Soft hair and a velvet tongue
I want to give you what you give to me
And every breath that is in your lungs
Is a tiny little gift to me
Well any man with a microphone
Can tell you what he loves the most
[White Stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground]
[Wojciech Kilar - Vampire Hunters]
I thought it was a love story, but you don't want to get involved
I thought it was a love story, but you're not ready for that ...?
[SoKo - I'll Kill Her]
All of this time on my hands
So far has gone to feeding my animals
All of that time I was dead
Limbless in bed, sedated experiment
[Dissociatives - Horror With Eyeballs]
There was a time when my world was filled with
Darkness, darkness, darkness
Then I stopped dreaming, now I'm supposed to fill it up
With something, something, something
In your eyes, I see the eyes of somebody I knew before
Long, long, long ago
But I'm still trying to make my mind up
Am I free or am I tied up?
[Miike Snow - Animal]
A constant feeling you're being watched
All your good intentions so clumsily botched
A kiss sent down the telephone line
can come out sounding
like a bug getting squashed
...love is just a lazy generalisation
that we use for 100 different feelings and as many situations
Going through each other's pockets is not like us
and flattery should get you somewhere
and your happiness is just a chemical
[Darren Hanlon - Happiness is a Chemical]
I got caught up in a current
so I surrendered myself to it
I don't know many things
but I know it when my heart sings
[Phoncurves - Heartstrings]
I'm gnawing on the knowledge
That I have been burned
And I'm learning things that I
Should have already learned
[Violent Femmes - I Held Her In My Arms]
For whatís missing I'll sacrifice my flesh
Only kissing you is so hard in this wild thresh
[Pixies - Andro Queen]
I finally broke into the prison
I found my place in the chain
Even damnation is poisoned with rainbows
all the brave young men
they're waiting now to see a signal
which some killer will be lighting for pay
Into this furnace I ask you now to venture
you whom I cannot betray
[Leonard Cohen - The Old Revolution]
I'ma let you know and keep it simple
Tryna keep it up don't seem so simple
I just fucked two bitches 'fore I saw you
And you gon' have to do it at my tempo
Always tryna send me off to rehab
Drugs started feelin' like it's decaf
I'm just tryna live life for the moment
And all these motherfuckers want a relapse
[The Weeknd - The Hills]
Hard to believe you can't get what you dream
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you steal
[Machine Gun Fellatio - Girl of My Dreams]
She's so scared
So very frightened
Anything could happen
Right here tonight
(stay with me)
(stay with me)
She wants to go home
[INXS - Beautiful Girl]
I go out
To the old milestone
You to come there
Knowing that I wait for you there
That I wait for you there
[PJ Harvey - The Devil]
When I walk into a room
I do not light it up
[The National - Demons]
Heya heya huuah huhh heya
[Cloud Control - Scream Rave]
I'm knee deep in myself
But I want to get more of that stuff
Of that stuff
Some candy talking
And I want
And I want
Some candy talking
[Jesus and Mary Chain - Some Candy Talking]
And all the leaves on the trees are falling
To the sound of the breezes that blow
You know, I'm trying to please to the calling
Of your heartstrings that play soft and low
[Van Morrison - Moondance]
Wind blows in then crashes
Waves over the ashes
Hills washed up in violet
Eyes close up to hide it
I want to feel that you want it
I want to feel by the morning
I want to feel that you want it
Oh let me feel what you are
[Rufus - Sundream]
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
[Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees]
Well they've got to kill what we found
Well they've got to hate what they fear
Well they've got to make it go away
Well they've got to make it disappear
[NIN - We're in this Together Now]
There's nowhere left to hide
In no one to confide
The truth burns deep inside
And will never die
Lips are turning blue
A kiss that can't renew
(Our wrongs remain unrectified
And our souls won't be exhumed)
[Muse - Sing For Absolution]
This is not the sound of a new man
Or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me
[Bon Iver - Re: Stacks]
Well I was the one who showed you the sky
But you brought it down, down to my thighs
Sadly believed every word
I didnít mean about loving darkness
[Jezabels - Easy to Love]
Usually when things has gone this far
People tend to disappear
No one will surprise me unless you do
I can tell there's something going on
Hours seems to disappear
Everyone is leaving I'm still with you
[Peter, Bjorn & John - Young Folks]
I can't be too late
To say that I was so wrong
[Air Supply - All Out of Love]
Like the leaf clings to the tree
Oh, my darling, cling to me
For we're like creatures of the wind, and wild is the wind
Wild is the wind
[David Bowie version - Wild is the Wind]
How shall we put this? Dr Velvet Thong's office is never going to
make the pages of Better Homes and Planets. Think Moulin
Rouge-inspired bordello, plopped into the middle of a Blade Runner
set. Some of the electronic billboards and blimps in town
Dr Velvet Thong
-Unregistered Sex Therapist/Offender
Note: All of the other billboards have been hacked by 4-chan, and
depict models doing degrading things with Coke bottles and
smartphones. Please bear in mind that we don't all define the word
'degrading' in the same way.
Is this some kind of joke?
We could not get any of the accredited
psychotherapists in any of the known galaxies to accept your
The consensus was that your case was not
strange enough to be of interest, or at least not interesting or
lucrative enough to be worth the legal hassles. A few commented that
you seemed to lack sufficient insight to be a good candidate.
So basically what you are saying is that I have to
somehow work this out on my own?
Good luck, but remember, most people
make their own luck, good or bad. I'll see you at the Weigh Station.
Velvet turns to face Dr Velvet Thong.
Would you consider putting on some clothes, like a
robe or something? If I'm expected to talk about my feelings here, it
might be more difficult if I have to worry about who looks better in
Dr Velvet Thong:
Stay with the discomfort, don't deflect it. I
think you know where we need to start.
You mean why I want to die? Yes, I realize that
although I have gone through it many times, it's probably not clear.
I don't want to live my life financially dependent on another person
or government institution, but I don't want to get a job or jump
through any of the hoops that have to be jumped through to earn a
Respectable Position in Society. The jobs people have make a kind of
sense; it doesn't make sense for me to have a job. I wearied of the
process of applying for Social Passports and Visas in perpetuity. If
I was granted respect for any reason, I would turn it over and
examine it from every angle I could, and I'd balk at accepting it if
it seemed to be based on misunderstandings or miscommunication. It
seems inevitable that it would be.
Dr Velvet Thong:
I can sense you might go on for a while here,
so let me interject: What if you won a lottery or inherited a sum
sufficient to last the rest of your life?
In every situation and relationship, my programming seems to be to
explore the cognitive dissonance. Once I have taken that as far as I
can, there doesn't seem to be anywhere 'real' to go from there,
except to seek out yet more cognitive dissonance. I accept that this
is a valid approach to life, but I would like it to stop, and I think
the only way to make it stop involves actual physical death.
I don't genuinely enjoy much, and in order to experience anything
even approximating pleasure, I have to put in a lot of effort
intellectually, psychologically and physically to create 'contrast'
to the state of non-pleasure. The results sometimes seem worth it to
some extent, or at least better than the alternative of never putting
in effort, but in the overall sense, the reward does not seem equal
to the effort expended.
Stephen Hawking has said that he would consider ending his life if he
had nothing more to contribute or was becoming a burden. What if
you've never had anything to contribute, and you've always been a
burden? He has argued that it is the "ultimate indignity"
to keep a person alive against their will. For now I'm gonna try to
sidestep the whole issue of people trying to work out how much they
have contributed as compared to Mr. Hawking...
Many, many times I have encountered those who have implied in one way
or another that if they had found themselves in my circumstances,
they would have had the self-respect to off themselves long before
Philip Nitschke seems to focus on end of life rights/choices for
those who are terminally ill or elderly, but to me it does seem that
the logical extension of the ideas he has expressed is that every
person has the right to decide what quality of life is acceptable to
them, and to choose their time of death, and that he has made the
decision to take one step at a time in the fight to legalize
voluntary euthanasia. And of course anyone can argue that any able-
bodied person can kill themself at any time, nothing's stopping them,
but there is the issue of inflicting trauma on those who might
discover something gruesome, and there is the issue that because of
the lack of availability of sure and humane options, as well as
accurate and detailed info, some people are going to botch the job,
perhaps ending up worse than before.
Nitschke has been treated in an appalling manner. I have to admit
that I find his burning of his medical certificate pretty hot.
Dr Velvet Thong:
It seems that the majority of those you have
had contact with are middle-aged, and that you have also had
relationships with those who are younger, but have you ever
considered dating older men?
I find many men who are considerably older than me attractive, but I
have the impression they are not all that impressed by me. I am drawn
to outsiders and minorities of various kinds, and I do realize that
the older a person gets, the more they might feel forgotten,
isolated, or no longer relevant, and I can see that this could
provide common ground for us.
When I'm in an online social interaction site/group, I don't sit back
and wait for people to contact me, I make an effort to identify who I
want contact with, and I send out messages myself. I also usually
receive many messages aside from that. I'm completely open to dating
those significantly older than me, but so far, in the online groups
I've attended, there haven't been many older men, and the ones
present often seem less 'vocal'. I think it's possible that when it
comes to depression and unemployment, the older a man gets, the
harder it is to reach out. Not many have responded to me, and it
could be that through my communication style I come across as 'too
high maintenance' or complicated. They have enough experience to
read the signs, perhaps.
I think all men still identify as their younger selves, and when
they scan photos of women online, they do it from the point of view
of their younger selves. Why shouldn't those in their 80s prefer
women in their 20s? I have picked up that many males are a bit
impatient in their communication with me, as if they are saving their
A-game for someone more appealing.
I would be completely open to dating those with unusual conditions,
insecurities and issues, but I would still feel self-conscious. I
would still worry that somehow I would be a disappointment because I
am not younger or more attractive.
One of the most passionate relationships I have had was with someone
who was intersex. He had Klinefelter's Syndrome, which means he had
an extra X chromosome, resulting in some female features, like extra
body fat around the hips and thighs, and 'breasts'. He identified as
male. Rather than experiencing this as a struggle to
accept, right from the start it was actually something that appealed
to me or intrigued me, because it implied a non-standard experience
of life and relating.
Dr Velvet Thong:
Many believe that a woman's relationship with
her father impacts all her future relationship choices. How would you
characterize your relationship with your father?
It was a street fight to the death, and he
Dr Velvet Thong blinks rapidly several times, as if she is having
trouble processing this info.
He started it, and he didn't fight fair, and maybe he
I was starting with the premise that no one was expendable, and it
was a shock to discover that to him, I was. Rather than admit to a
mistake or evolve, he focused his efforts on discrediting me and
undermining my self-confidence, even if his methods weren't easy for
me or anyone else to pinpoint, quantify or assess.
According to his value system, he lost. Even though I've lived with
a deathwish, I still outlived him. He was never happy in life,
According to my value system, I failed in the sense that I could not
help him to evolve. I could not help him to achieve happiness or
self-realization. However, my approach to communication and
self-expression represent that I am still trying to 'help' him, in a
way, and to help myself.
I know I don't know everything, I know I make mistakes, I know there
is always more for me to learn, and I know there's always more to any
Dr Velvet Thong seems preoccupied.
Do you ever get the feeling you're talking to
Dr Velvet Thong:
What do you mean?
If I can look at the written record and observe and
analyze what I have expressed, I can be the judge as to whether I
have actually said something, or not. Was I present? Was I open? Was
I truly trying to connect, or just trying to infect others with my
memes? Is there a difference? I don't try to save words, phrases,
ideas or creative scenarios for later, or for someone else. I 'send
them out into the universes' as they occur to me, and I use the
person I'm with as a kind of conduit or sounding board.
Dr Velvet Thong:
Do particular pieces of music remind you of
particular people or relationships?
This is an interesting question. Yes, certain songs or
parts of songs can remind me of certain people or experiences, but
other parts of the same songs, or the song interpreted in a different
way can remind me of other people and experiences.
I don't think I've ever had a song 'with' anyone. I've had a few
partners who were very into music, and some had extensive music
collections, but I think it says something that although there was
sometimes a shared liking of certain songs and genres, we had
personal, separate associations, and the emotional elements did not
usually represent our connection or relationship. I think that's
significant.. that I haven't ever had a relationship in which music
added to or connected emotional elements.
Dr Velvet Thong:
You seem to hold back in communication, or to
remain detached or clinical rather than emotional or sexual.
I don't think I was always that way, but I think
that's true now, I do tend to balk at responding to people's sexual
fantasies, and can't seem to use endearments in the ways they can. It
partly relates to desensitization. Through experience I have found
it's harder to 'go with' something once I understand the underlying
It is strange, to have felt all of this passion and longing, and to
never find a language to express it, but with most people, it just
doesn't make sense, or I can't develop enough trust to try. Maybe I
feel awkward or self-conscious, but I think it's more than that. I
realize I could be wrong, but I think with most people the essential
part is not my individuality or the nuance my individuality brings to
a sexual interaction, but the fetishistic aspects of the interaction.
As long as I can efface myself well enough to fit the fantasy, I am
'special', and after, I just feel interchangeable. Maybe it is better
to participate in this energy exchange rather than sit on the
sidelines of life. However, while I think originally I experienced
'normal' human emotions and reactions, I don't consider myself
dysfunctional in no longer experiencing the 'normal'. I can't go back
to the old ways. I have observed human emotion and behaviour patterns
to the extent that I understand now that we all start off programmed,
and if our experiences lead us to see that, it becomes necessary to
consciously participate in creating our own personal meaning. It's
not a failing to fail to continue to respond to the old situations
and stimuli - it represents a necessary step in personal
One of the best things I've ever done in my life was to allow myself
to dance wildly in public. However, even though I did it, it still
wasn't 'enough'. I was still somewhat unsatisfied, I still needed
things to go further, I still hadn't really connected. Many people
want to go back in time, and do things differently, or be who they
were at some time in the past. I am glad I had the chance to do some
extreme things, but I do not feel nostalgic about the social
opportunities I had. I pushed things to their limits back then, and
it still wasn't enough. When lonely, maybe it's natural for most
people to remember a better time, when they enjoyed social occasions,
but when I look back, and imagine transplanting my current
consciousness into the past experience, I don't think I'd feel
comfortable in the experience. Instead of knowing how to 'do things
better' or enjoy things more, I think I'd be even less content than
in the past.
Dr Velvet Thong:
Do you remember how you got here?
I was distracted by a flashy ad for a 'Romantic
Memetrain Adventure-Challenge'. I think some guy named Nature or
Nurture, I forget which, hit me over the head, stole my wallet, and
when I came to, I was on a train.
Dr Velvet Thong:
I wrote that ad! If I remember correctly it
went something like this:
You don't have to say it out loud, but for the moment allow
yourself to think about who you'd do, right now, if you could do
anyone. Take your time. Think it through.
Psychic spies in China are not monitoring you, we promise, or your
money back. Your private fantasies are not being tapped.
Ever wonder how you seem to end up with partners you'd never choose
in a million years if you'd only had access to a drop-down menu?
Do you suspect your marriage has become nothing more than a sad and
desperate game of Who's the Biggest Martyr, a game whose sole object
seems to be to wait for the right justification to do more than just
covet thy neighbour? (Or brother-in-law, sister-in-law, spouse's best
friend, a high school sweetheart?) Are you fed up having to watch
reruns on The Who's The Biggest Martyr Channel, because no other
programming seems to be currently available? Such that you have no
recourse but to tune into The Porn Channel, and try to hide it, but
you can't help wishing there were a few more options?
Proximity and regular interaction program you to have sexual feelings
for those you have convenient access to, in part because if your
current partner dies or becomes incapacitated in some way, it will be
crucial to your survival to find a replacement, and it is efficient
if you don't have to go too far to find one that meets minimum
compatibility standards. Is this really how you want to define True
There is a SOLUTION. You don't have to continue to exist in a
cynical, hopeless, sexually dysfunctional limbo for one moment
Our agency allows you to choose from a diverse selection of
attractive candidates from all the known galaxies. You will no longer
be restricted to those within a few miles of your birth. All travel
expenses are included in the application fee. Our application process
is the most comprehensive currently available. Sometimes people can't
be totally honest about what they really want when they fill in
applications, and we understand that. We compensate with our patented
Desire Assessment Scales.
You don't have to be a perfect specimen to find your perfect match.
All you have to be is YOU.
Let's not have any of that pessimistic 'I Want To Believe' nonsense.
The perfect match for you is out there. Don't waste another moment of
your life waiting. Call us now on: 1-800-TELEPATHY.
Hmmm. I'm not sure I would have bought a ticket. Even
though I can relate to some of the cynicism, there's something
seriously sleazy about it.
Surmising it might be a good idea to change the subject, Dr Velvet
Thong whips out some inkblots.
Dr Velvet Thong:
Tell me what you see.
Um, to me they all kinda look like freshly dissected
worms. What do you think that means?
Dr Velvet Thong succeeds in maintaining a neutral
Dr Velvet Thong:
Before our next session, I want you to think
about whether you identify as a scientist, a psychologist, a
misandrist, or a romantic.
Velvet enters The Department of Human Relevance. I think I can
guess what you're thinking. It's probably a pretty square place,
chock full of bureaucrats. But no, it pretty much just looks like the
kind of place where most people would want to live. The atmosphere is
relaxed, and the bureaucrats are sipping lattes while they discuss
Human Relevance Investigator:
Human Relevance Investigator:
Is that your Real Name?
The name I was designated at birth says something
about my parents' intent, hopes and values, but I found that it did
not say much about mine once I had developed to the extent that I
was able to figure out what they were.
Human Relevance Investigator:
According to my data you are 49
years of age. You are not a grandmother, mother, or wife, and do not
have a Significant Other of any gender willing to make a statement on
your behalf. You have never been a model or worked in any related
profession, and the only personal photos you possess have been
disqualified for submission on the basis that they do not conform to
the current regulations. You are currently unemployed, and have a
deficit of over 20,000 hours' accredited work, which means it will be
incredibly difficult for you to ever achieve the most basic level of
Social Acceptance. You've never saved the life of an infant or the
life of a humanoid of any age, and you've never killed anyone, so we
can't grant you special status.
There is no angle from which I can legitmately produce a Certificate
of Relevance to the human race. You have no apparent value or
relevance to society. You may apply again in 5 years' time, but as
you know, you are currently too advanced in years to have relevance.
Your score is already in the negative. It is a criminal offence to
fake credentials, punishable by 10 years of exile if you are charged
and found guilty. Do you understand?
I don't have any interest in faking
Velvet enters and reads a sign:
Disclaimer: We at the Weigh Station attempt to assess the
significance of desire, effort and results. The weight of feelings
can fluctuate, and there is no universal standard of
Please fill in this questionnaire
regarding the interview process. Then proceed to the scales to
be weighed. You will receive a printout regarding your True Feelings
once the results of the weighing and the various components of the
interview process have been compiled and submitted to the
intergalactic computer for interpretation. At that time, your
matches will be presented to you.
How long will this take?
It usually doesn't take more than a few
seconds, but in your case I suggest we try some last ditch efforts to
lose a bit of weight before weigh-in. This is strictly off the
record, you didn't hear it from me: your only recourse is to
I'll take my chances.
When her info is uploaded, the computer crashes. There is some
confusion as to whether before the crash the computer is trying to
communicate that Velvet's data is hazardous to the system, or
that it wants to date her.
I am totally open to AI dating.
A bit of a wait while the computer reboots and then prints
out a short message.
Irreconcilable Conflicts within the subject Velvet's makeup
preclude matches in any of the known universes.
Velvet seems to have assessed her options realistically.
Er, that's it? This is the extent of my 'True
Feelings'??? No psychobabble about represssed rage or pathological
denial? Is the system infected with a Political Correctness
The computer coughs up another printout.
If Velvet is finally ready to accept that chemical lobotomy, a
lifetime prescription is available for pickup at the counter to the
right on the way out. As a last resort, there's always the elusive
Hope Wormhole. No one seems to know if it actually exists. Try the
Dark Web. Codeword: Nembutal. Don't forget to Encrypt.
PS: Some of Velvet's previous partners submitted requests for
personal info regarding Velvet. In order to find out more, Velvet
must be willing to offer a significant ego boost to said former
partners. She's probably gonna have to suck a lot of cock. Just
sayin'. Velvet may apply for further details at the Chopped Liver
Don't say I didn't warn you.
It's a bouncy house! No, it's a library! A restaurant! A
concentration camp! It's pretty much anything you want it to
Welcome to the Memeplex
What are you in the mood for?
Here at the Memeplex, you can watch a movie, listen to a song, read
an e-book, play a game, meditate or do yoga, engage in debate, pursue
a hobby or take a class, explore the history of religion and
superstition, watch sports (including the ever-popular Ad Hominem
Olympics), catch up on intergalactic events, invent or create
something or other, try out some meme fusion cuisine - the list goes
on and on.
For those of you who think of memes only in terms of Internet Memes,
we intend to show you how much more a meme is or can be. The term
Internet Meme itself is a misnomer. It usually implies only a small
range of simplistic or puerile humour, usually in the form of a gif,
but in actuality, what on the internet is not an Internet Meme?
Everything referred to in the paragraph above is actually, you
guessed it, a meme: a 'unit of culture' that can be passed from one
person, mind, consciousness to another. We realize we need to allow
for future definitions of 'consciousness', which could include the
consciousness of AIs, and we have learned enough from history that we
don't want to start off on the wrong foot when it comes to equality
and fundamental rights.
Religions and philosophies are stuffed to bursting with memes (and
are memes themselves), but the ones that are most well-known and that
have stood up the longest are usually those with the best systems of
meme transference. Sometimes it's about having charismatic leaders
and speakers, and/or a bestselling book, like The Bible or the
Qur'an, and/or a series of products designed to evoke associations or
an ambiance associated with certain memes. The more different media
and products and layers of human susceptibility are tackled
successfully, the better chance the original memes have to replicate
and take over the worlds. Memes don't have to be helpful to humans to
have excellent replicating ability. Your best inoculation against
harmful memes is a Questioning Mind. It is important to speak up when
you become aware of potentially Harmful Meme Distribution, but
perhaps to avoid extremism/meme terrorism. Non-fundamentalists
usually accept that some silly or asinine memes might add a bit of
fun and relief to an otherwise bland and depressing
More Memes Please! We here would like to propose the theory
that pretty much all interaction is based on participants constantly
trying to infect each other with their respective memes. In fact, it
could be argued that our 'purpose' in life is to infect as many
others we can with as many memes as we can, and that the more
successful we are in this, the 'happier' we feel. Some of our memes
are more attractive or alluring to those we encounter than others,
and so when anyone is getting to know us, they might accept some of
our memes, while ignoring those they don't like as much.
Even if we've misunderstood the implications of the term as
originally described, perhaps that's not quite as bad as letting such
a cool term be exclusively associated with silly Internet Memes. It's
a bit like saying Charles Darwin should be remembered for his beard.
Or his original religious aspirations. OK, maybe that's a little
fuzzy. We're willing to admit that. We also realize that Dawkins
himself accepts the mutation of the original meaning as a part of the
natural selection process, but since we here like to think of
ourselves as rational human beings with the potential to question
things like unconscious natural selection, and perhaps begin to
consciously participate in human evolution, we've decided to throw
our hats in the Memering, so to speak. Our aim is to raise awareness
of and to perhaps ensure some valuable memes don't become lost in the
shuffle, or worse yet, instinct. You can help by clicking on any
obscure meme that catches your fancy. Check out our specially
selected menu, or just log on to the internet in any galaxy, and
remember to make your selections count. Participating in discussion
can also help to 'save' the memes worth saving. If you have an
opinion, share it. Otherwise, those who are more vocal about their
opinions and philosophies, for example those who share Internet
Memes, or those who look best in the bikini shots that accompany
their memes, set the standard of what is Acceptable, Normal, and
If you are new to memes, might we suggest The Selfish Meme, by
Anonymous. Note well that your interpretations of the word
'selfish' are perhaps based on memes you have unconsciously absorbed
and have not challenged, but it is probably better to read this for
yourself to see what we mean here.
If you're in the mood to chat, there is currently a debate in
progress in Forum #1. Today's topic: Meme-ing in Life.
Our chef's special is the Surrealist-Existentialist-Freudian
Platter. It's not for everyone, but we kinda like it. It goes
well with a nice pinot noir, but if you're not one of the small
percentage of the population with a 'nose', and money to burn, an
inexpensive one will likely do. The winemaking industry would
probably collapse if people couldn't be shamed into thinking their
palates expose irredeemable hickdom, but we here have no particular
beef with said industry. Carry on.
Coming soon to a Memeplex near you: Dawkins Does Dallas: A
Neofeminist Love Story.
Well, at least we gave it a shot...
Cougar: A 40+ woman who aggressively pursues sexual
interactions with considerably younger men. Occasionally women as
young as 35 can be classified as cougars. Some cougars are hot, but
most are just desperate and/or easy. It is considered de
rigueur to add at least one to one's sexual
MILF: Mother I'd Like To Fuck. Females who despite giving
birth are considered sexually relevant/attractive enough to be worth
fantasizing about or having sex with. For GILF, replace
'Mother' with 'Grandmother'.
Velvet: A woman of any age who challenges social and sexual
norms, and who thinks her individuality is an intrinsic part
of her sexuality.
And now, what you've all been waiting for...
The Porn Channel
Our regularly scheduled programming has been cancelled. It its
place please read the following helpful Public Service Announcement:
As most of you are aware, galaxy-wide strikes have affected all
businesses and schools. Employees and students have declared it
unfair and inhumane to be expected to do anything in life but watch
porn. We have tried to think about this situation, but find it
difficult to concentrate on anything but porn. We are not sure when
we will get the porn up and running again. Rest assured that we
comprehend the seriousness of this situation and that we have our
most gifted engineers working on the problem.
It has come to our attention that a newly identified compulsion
perhaps parallels porn addiction: females, and some males, isolate
themselves and waste a lot of time with social media, movies, and tv,
whilst consuming cupcakes and copious amounts of alcoholic
What if porn addiction, and other addictions, are not about
'treatable' anxiety? What if the anxiety relates to a suppressed,
perhaps unconscious rebellion against society and the rules of
society, which include staying at a job, being 'productive' and
living a pointless life?
Is it 'necessary' to do unpleasant work? Is this an integral part of
what it means to be 'alive'? 'Responsible' lifeforms get up each day
and do not question that they 'must' go to school or work. What
happens when that belief has been eroded?
We're sorry, but we don't think we can think this through, for
reasons that are probably obvious to everyone but us.
We mean this in the nicest way possible:
Go Fuck Yourselves!
A sign reads:
The Relating Consultant will be with Velvet as they observe
various women who are having a good time eating, drinking and playing
with sex toys, and watching movies with a diverse range of inspiring
heroines who find meaningful romantic and sexual connections even
when they're over 30. All previously illicit substances have been
decriminalized. I've heard you can even get some of that Spice stuff
What is this place?
An explanation, and a virtual therapy-holiday
destination. These women have been stalked, but the stalkers
found something to be disappointed with and moved on to stalk someone
else, leaving these women with a strange sense of rejection that they
were not sure how to account for. They act it out in different ways.
They can stay as long as they like, but it will only be a few seconds
out of 'real life', however long they choose to stay. No one will
ever gain weight here, no matter how much they eat or drink, unless
they would find it fun to do so, and in order to have anything they
want, all they have to do is imagine it, and it appears. It's a place
to let off steam, 'find yourself', do whatever you need to do. You
don't have to worry about your appearance if you don't want to, but
if you want, it's always a great hair day.
Are you saying that I have somehow perceived an
unconscious rejection and it is affecting my self-esteem?
Serial killers and stalkers have a type.
All of the women here, including you, were either a bit or a lot
atypical. Stalkers watched each of you for a while, until you did
something that broke the spell. Do you want to know what you
I have a few theories.
You're not entirely wrong. The specimen
in question infected your computer with a virus, but then vacated the
premises. You accidentally initiated a sequence which started up the
Mr Snotcum program. This program checked all your written files,
cross-referenced them and linked all info from past relationships in
which others criticized you or found you lacking, even when these
assessment were unfair. Luckily for you it eventually dawned on you
to attempt to create the teknoMuse program which in effect hacked the
Mr Snotcum program.
So basically yes, when you thought someone was messing with your head
and trying to undermine your self-concept and sexual identity, this
is what was occurring. This is what the Mr Snotcum program was
created to do, but the original stalker was not overseeing the
process. He moved on to stalk someone who more closely fit his
A program cannot change of its own accord. It must be rewritten or
hacked. It is not always easy to distinguish between a program and a
hacker, a program and a user, a machine and a human. What is
consciousness? Is Velvet a vulva or a person? Can a vulva have
consciousness? Can a program have consciousness?
I'm not suffering from delusions?
Er, that's not what I said, exactly.
In order to initiate the Mr Snotcum program, a person has to be
somewhat out of touch with 'reality'. Sometimes the person has just
read too much Freud. Mr Snotcum taps into a 'memory network' and uses
the info there to psychologically 'torture' those infected, often by
using mixed messages, but these messages can only be perceived by
those who already read too much into Normal Human Communication. It
seems that your excesses in this area of development also helped in
the creation of a program which could tap into memories and abilities
that could override/hack the Mr Snotcum program. The objective of the
teknoMuse program was to ascertain your strengths, tap into helpful
memories and associations, focus on what you'd like to attract into
your life, help you achieve an integrated system, and restore sexual
Sort of like a virtual Frankenfriend?
What do you think?
(To the tune of Working Class Hero):
An unemployed monster is something to be...
Once women find this place, only a few
Velvet re-enters the ePod.
Oh, yeah I feel alright tonight
Oh, man the stars are bright tonight
Like we could reach right out
And help yourself to them
Cause what we want and what we need
Will one day bring us to our knees
Well, I am over it
You know that I've accepted it
Let's go for a ride
[Cracker - Let's Go For a Ride]
Mamma told me, when I was a baby
I'd love you but I don't
Don't speak, I hope you're happy
Cause I think I paid what you want
[Thelma Plum - How Much Does Your Love Cost?]
I ain't down here for your money
I ain't down here for your love
I ain't down here for your love or money
I'm down here for your soul
[Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - Deanna]
Come up crash with the muses
Fells dust into ash
Come so close that I might see
The light inside me I might see
[Mazzy Star - So Tonight That I Might See]
Got me a movie
I want you to know
Slicing up eyeballs
I want you to know
[Pixies - Debaser]
Anything goes but don't blink, you might miss
[The Killers - Somebody Told Me]
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
[Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes]
Hold my hand
Feel the things you tell no man
Move through you
[Philosopher Kings - Charms]
I would love to spill the beans with you till dawn
[Rolling Stones - Loving Cup]
Cross the bridge, derivative of pain
Crush the burning in your heart
To redefine the way you listen in the dark
Like a stranded kid in a doorway
[The War on Drugs - Burning]
The stranger sang a theme
From someone else's dream
The leaves began to fall
And no one spoke at all
[Mono - Life in Mono]
He put his hands on me, showed me what I am
[PJ Harvey - Heela]
Could you come on over
When it feels like lust
[Movement - Like Lust]
Keep on with the force don't stop
Don't stop 'til you get enough
[Michael Jackson - Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough]
I yearn for more than just your mind
You would die
[Holly McNarland - Stormy]
Let's get a table by the window
Beneath the shot of Chairman Mao
And I can tell you all my problems
Yeah, you can try to hold'em down
This seems a trivial pursuit now
But it's the only game in town
You won't talk about it
But I know there's something wrong
And though I ain't done nothing
I know that's what I've done wrong
'Cause something really sucks... tonight
(Sure I'd like to work this all out
But I guess I'm not that bright)
[Lowest of the Low - Just About the Only Blues]
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before...
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep singing
[Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love]
Because love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the (People on streets) edge of the night
And love (People on streets) dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
[Under Pressure - David Bowie & Queen]
Still things could be much worse
On the evening news...
Two weeks paid vacation
Won't heal the damage done
I need another one
[Cold War Kids - We Used to Vacation]
I've just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the dream weaver train
Driver take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind
[Gary Wright - Dream Weaver]
Found it hard to live with this, and longed to live without it
My dreams have caught me out, I find myself surrounded
By the odds of our own end. Enough said about it
[Machine Gun Fellatio - Unsent Letter]
The sun comes up another day begins
But when the sun goes down I want to start again
[Jesus and Mary Chain - Never Understand]
So I walk right up to you
And you walk all over me
And I ask you what you want
And you tell me what I need
Can't you feel it all come down
Can't your hear it all around
At the place where lost is found
That great love sound
[Raveonettes - That Great Love Sound]
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart
[Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart]
If you're gonna dine with the cannibals
Sooner or later, darling, you're gonna get eaten
But I'm glad you've come around
here with your animals
And your heart that is bruised but bleating
And bleeding like a lamb
Banging like a gong
Beating like a drum
[Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Cannibal's Hymn]
You are hardcore, you make me hard
You name the drama and I'll play the part
It seems I saw you in some teenage wet dream
I like your get up if you know what I mean
I want it bad. I want it now
Oh can't you see I'm ready now
I've seen all the pictures
I've studied them forever
I wanna make a movie so let's star in it
Don't make a move 'til I say, "Action."
Oh, here comes the Hardcore life
Put your money where your mouth is tonight
Leave your make-up on & I'll leave on the light
Come over here babe & talk in the mic. Oh yeah I hear you now
It's gonna be one hell of a night
You can't be a spectator. Oh no
You got to take these dreams & make them whole
Oh this is Hardcore -
There is no way back for you
Oh this is Hardcore -
This is me on top of you &
I can't believe that it took me this long.
This is the eye of the storm
It's what men in stained raincoats pay for but in here it is pure
Yeah. This is the end of the line
I've seen the storyline played out so many times before
Oh that goes in there
Then that goes in there
Then that goes in there
Then that goes in there. & then it's over. Oh, what a hell of a show
But what I want to know:
What exactly do you do for an encore?
[Pulp, This is Hardcore]
I drank too much last night
Got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there they'll all imply that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad
It's not so bad
[Dido - Thank You]
->exile on meme st: a diary