Sessions in Second Life with Dr Velvet Thong
Note from Xesce: I do not look IRL as I do in my Second Life
photos, and I do not look the way I did in 2015, but I do not
intend to fat-shame or age-shame myself.
I'm struggling with the old website. I feel I need to
morph, update the form, but I don't have the energy I used to for
trying new things.
And I'm still caught in an unresolved trauma loop. I'd need to quit
drinking in order to attempt to do more, but I need some kind of
trauma counselling to help me give up alcohol. If I don't give up
drinking, I'm not stable enough to do much of anything.
Sometimes I have fun in Second Life, but it's usually only a few
times a year I manage to go. I still like dancing as a communication
form, or a form of expression, but as with my site, I'm stuck and
am unable to get further. I need to be able to concentrate better in
order to be able to better express myself. I'm still trying out
dance scripts in various places, and find it hard to make smooth
transitions, or to move in certain ways, because my technical skill
in Second Life has not progressed enough. I'm nowhere near ready to
write my own scripts. I can barely stay on top of organizing my
inventory. Actually, I am not staying on top of it.
At first, I was doing Second Life sober, but eventually I found it
easier to get dressed and go dancing if I drank. I really should
note that 'boudoir' is a place you can find many beautiful and
arty outfits that work with classic/system avatars. There are also
things for mesh avatars, so you have to check the descriptions.
And I'm still not mesh. I am genuinely curious about learning how,
but I have to admit that with my concentration level, I need a
mentor, and I'm finding it too difficult to say much more than 'hi'
to people. Often I just run, and I'm genuinely sorry if anyone
worries if they did something wrong.
My avatar is definitely a virgin.
Dr Velvet Thong:
You seem to be wearing brighter colours
I'd felt that I was stuck in a black and red rut for
a long time, and I didn't know how to escape it. Second Life
definitely helps. My avatar can wear a much wider variety of
clothing than I can.
There is something else I'd like to discuss, but I'll
try to keep it brief.
It's not like I can take a patent out on the name Xesce, and it's
not like I think I have any claim to it. It makes sense to me that
there might be many others with the name.
I am wondering though if some people are confused as to who is me,
and who might be someone else.
When YouTube adopted the 'handle' thing, I was a bit slow on the
uptake, and only managed to acquire 'xesceTV', and someone else
grabbled 'xesce'. I only have one YouTube account. I think the
'xesce' one is a Spanish language one, but I'm not sure. I'm
definitely not fluent in Spanish. I wonder if this other Xesce is
annoyed by my presence.
I'm pretty sure she also has a Twitter account, and I don't.
Anyway, aside from that, I think it's possible that there are those
out there who might try to harm me by using the name Xesce, maybe
to try to make me feel less 'special', or to confuse others about
me, such that actions and beliefs that have nothing to do with me
become associated with me - such that even fewer people like or
Dr Velvet Thong:
I vaguely remember a few people you've
had contact with who, sad to say, who might be capable of such
Definitely some odd specimens, if not overtly malicious.
I remember the guy who sent you a very professional-looking
e-brochure, all about these revolutionary new pellets that would
clean your gas tank and help you get more mileage. It was always
questionable whether the personal photos he sent of himself and his
girlfriend were real, or fake, or deep fakes. It seemed like he
knew a lot about how to fake a lot of things, including websites
In today's climate, I can definitely understand that you might feel
a need to try to speak up, but I myself am wondering who's going to
believe anyone in the near future.
My paranoid proclivities have not really decreased
over time. I admit that sometimes I wonder, if no one's drained my
bank account by now, maybe there's some other long range plan beyond
run-of-the-mill identity theft. Like setting me up to take the fall
for something really major, because I can be easily interpreted as
Dr Velvet Thong:
I admit I am at a loss, but I've seen you
fight before, and I suspect you could again.
I wonder if I can manage to get through an entire session
without saying fuck once.
There is something I want to own up to publicly, in case anyone
investigates at some point.
I'm fine with not having many subscribers to my
YouTube account, but if anyone looks into it, it might seem like a
lie, because two of the subscribers are technically Possum Dreaming
and me (one of my old accounts.) I made a decision to do that some years
ago, not to inflate my subscriber number in order to make it look
like more people like me than do, but
because I felt attacked by someone in particular. I felt that
that person had subscribed as if to say 'I'm constantly watching
you, I've been watching you for years' - because the account was
called 'Xesce TV', and I felt that when I posted some videos in
2015, what they had tried to communicate to me, even though I'd
given up drinking for 8 months and was slimmer and healthier than
I'd been in a long time, that they had nothing kind or encouraging
to say, and just wanted to let me know I was old, dried up meat.
And so at that time, I asked Possum Dreaming to support me, such
that we would be two together against that one subscriber. There
didn't seem to be any way to eject or delete subscribers.
I want to note while I'm here that Possum Dreaming is worried about
appropriation issues regarding his name, but he can't go back to
Grey Knight or Don Quixote.
Dr Velvet Thong:
It seems to be a nasty human habit to try to
psych others out, especially women. It might not seem this way to
you, but maybe you've always had more power than you thought, or
were more of a threat than you thought, such that others wanted to
discredit you, and prevent you from having power. And
while you spent too much time worrying what you did to harm
someone, such that they felt revenge was warranted, a communication
pattern from them became clear over time. The messages were
similar, and followed a pattern and it would be possible to
identify the patterns to others.
Which brings me to: there are many individuals I've
encountered in my life, offline and on, who I think might have
caused great harm to others. It seems like I should probably sit
down, make a list, and try to capture patterns, possibly give dates
and locations. Even if there is no longer any evidence, it might
be helpful to others who have experienced something similar, to
have that support, that corroboration.
Dr Velvet Thong:
I think that's something we need to get
I just remembered something I thought it was
important to address. When I have to check boxes regarding sexuality
and gender, I feel a kind of panic or PTSD-like reaction. I really
don't want to do it, which makes me think many people might assume
I'm closeted, in one way or another.
I'm F/CIS/57. I don't like describing myself as CIS, because I feel
like it's a failing, that although I've always identified as F, I
feel it's more evolved to be fluid, and I always wanted to try to
leave it open that I could evolve, in the right supportive or
inspiring circumstances. And I admit, this is an issue with SL,
that it's still pretty binary and gender role stereotypical. At the
same time, I do admit that I still want the chance to explore or
enjoy some of what I find attractive about stereotypical
When I was a child, I thought I was Bi, although I didn't use that
term. Later, Pan, but, because my relationships and experiences
from my teens on were all with (CIS)males, I felt like I was afraid of
misleading anyone, or like I didn't deserve to be part of the
LGBTIQ+ 'community'. My first online relationship was with a person
who was intersex, and identified as male, but I didn't think that
counted as Pan, although I'm guessing it probably did.
And for years now, I feel the only way to describe my sexuality is
TRAUMATIZED. If anyone expressed interest, I'd run (and/or assume it
was some kind of scam), and I'd be
afraid people would think it was because I was prejudiced in some
way. And I feel that it's not ok, you can't say you're traumatized
because then no one can respect you - you're playing victim, and
you are not taking responsibility for your mental health and life.
I'm so weary of being constantly judged that I can't take it
any more, and rather than feel I am imposing my baggage on them,
I make a decision not to, even though I know one of the big issues
related to mental illness, addiction and trauma is self-isolation.
The other thing is that the cumulative messages from those who
wished me harm
over time have led me to feel that I am under surveillance, and that
if I ever left the house, I would be followed and monitored every
step of the way, not just by Big Brother, but by those with a very
personal grudge or agenda.
Dr Velvet Thong:
I know that most people would think that's
just your illness talking, but I don't. I believe you. I was there,
for all of it. I think that almost all messages about mental illness
and addiction haven't changed enough, stigma hasn't really
diminished much or at all (it's just that people know stigma is
'bad' but they don't really know what it means in relation to these
issues.) It's like there needs to be a massive change in
understanding and language/conversation.
Take care of yourselves, possums.