I spent some time recently in an online dating community for the mentally ill (to be specific, No Longer Lonely - I think it's a good resource, but that I might be too abnormal or atypical to fit in). In my profile, I gave my real age, and used the photo at the top of the page here (click link) as my profile pic. I explained the photo was from 2010, and at least hinted I had some issues in this area. The photo at the top of this diary entry page is from June 27, 2014.

In my profile, under 'reason for being here', I ticked friendship/penpals, and while I did explain I thought constantly about connection, love and sex, I might be too messed up for those options, or at least that I had no expectations. I initiated contact with various people, including 3 females. No females initiated contact with me, but many males did. I realized it probably had more to do with the photo than anything else. I tried to explain some of my issues, and then perhaps in an effort to scare people off, I gave many the link to my site.

I soon found that I was writing to many people, but I had the feeling I was not writing to anyone in particular well, or really able to listen well.

I decided to try IM with one person, and it turned out to last for increasingly longer periods of time. At first a few hours, then 8, then 12. This was new to me, because in the past I'd always communicated mainly through online discussion groups and email. I'd tried group chat and a few IM situations with bots, but hadn't really liked either enough to think chat was right for me.

And yes, it was sexual. But in the beginning, I noticed I had a really serious problem. When I thought about the reality of sex, I would have a reflex reaction that was kind of like 'Don't touch me!' at the thought of anything, even being touched on the face or anywhere relatively 'safe'. I realized that there was actually no place on the body or face I could realistically imagine being touched.

And so I had to try to figure out ways around this, I had to find a headspace where it was possible to have some kind of sex, because I felt like I really wanted and needed it. It is a strange thing to be thinking about it all the time, but then in the reality of the situation to totally freak out, and to not know if there's any way to change it.

I saw a documentary some time back called Too Ugly For Love. I think I have some things in common with people who have BDD. I don't spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, but I think my website in a sense represents something like that - it's about me trying to find something in myself I can accept.

But meanwhile, in the reality of the dating world, everyone wants to see down to earth pictures. They want to get a sense of you as a real person, and it's extremely difficult for me to explain that I don't want to attract people who accept that I will drink all the time and never go out and just hide away forever.

A lot of it is about an unconscious sense of entitlement. Almost no one has a realistic idea of the reality of human bodies and aging, and yet women especially are expected to just apply to be judged, and found acceptable or not, based on their appearance. Men continually talk about or have awareness of all the media images of women, and while women are aware that men will have loyalty to women who don't look like the most beautiful ones, there can constantly be a kind of unconscious comparison that is difficult to shake off.

In a group of 'average-looking' people of a similar age, maybe it's possible to fit in, but what if what a person wants in love is not to have to every day be reminded about their 'flaws', even from the person they're with? What if intellectually you require something more than 'average' love?



How can you even say to people: the whole system sucks, and everyone is affected and not questioning it.

On my part, there's a constant awareness that what is 'real' to others is that they want to know what my daily life is like. They want to compare me to all other women, measure and all the rest, and that is the place they want to start from. That is what's 'real'. Whereas I want to start from a place where there are similar ideals and observations about the world, and if I don't feel that someone understands what I am saying, has a sense of why this is necessary for me, I don't feel anything is starting from a real place. I have had many relationships that started by just 'going with the flow', and ignoring fundamental conflicts, and I just don't want to do that any more.

Anyway.. I did meet some really interesting people. In the end, I felt like I had to withdraw, though. Maybe I can go back and try again sometime, but what I couldn't shake off was that I had probably mostly attracted most people with a photo. However, to use a 'no-nonsense' photo would have gone against my beliefs and if I had attracted anyone, it would have been someone who wanted life to continue in a no-nonsense way.

The problem is that I have too much awareness. Women over a certain age, and of average or less attractiveness, have to be grateful for whatever attention they get, and have to accept that men's conversation is constantly full of unconscious putdowns, and that if they could get someone younger and prettier, they would drop them in a second.

At present, one of the only ways to address this is with cosmetic procedures, and I fully support this. It is not fair that women should be attacked for taking these options when the rules aren't fair to begin with.

It is difficult to explain some things. I know that men get lonely, and want sex, and that chemically, their sex drives can be more intense. It's just that sometimes their conversation or seduction techniques could use some work. If they talk about women or describe them first according to their physical appearance and not their individuality, I feel alienated and suspect they just see women kind of like the thing in Predator... I mean.. it does seem like men are trained to describe women first by their appearance, and I have found that this sometimes takes the place of any other description, unless it's to criticize something about the woman's intelligence or feminity or understanding. But it's more than that, it's that even when a woman is 'special' to them, the way it is described almost never seems to suggest the woman was actually seen as an individual, but more as some kind of stereotype or fantasy.

[A couple more photos: but, be warned. If you think you will be traumatized, disgusted, permanently scarred, etc, from seeing over- 40, close to 50, non-surgically enhanced nudity (while bearing in mind that I am at the higher end of my 'natural' weight range), do not click these links:

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In my online interactions, I realized that the biggest determining factor, when it came to whether I was worth communicating with or not, or whether any woman is, for most men, comes down to physical appearance. I have studied enough about evolution to understand and accept this, and at the same time, I just want to make sure no one bothers to 'waste their time' with me, based on illusions that I might be more physically attractive than I express, because I am too self-deprecating, or something along those lines.

In posting the above photos, I was just going along with the whole 'show me your tits' kind of thing, mostly to get people to quickly realize our incompatibilities. Yes, it was a cynical reaction. Since that time I have read more articles related to labioplasty, and I admit that my reaction is that it is just too fucking much. I already know surgery-wise what the fuck else I need to do to be more likely to elicit sexual reactions in a visual sense, but this I guess was just the straw that broke the camel toe's back, and I don't think I have any interest in pleasing men. There's just too much about myself that is 'unacceptable', and so I am saying I am not going to try anymore. I know that at present hairless vulvas are in fashion, and as for myself, I recently shaved everything because I was curious. But it is just too fucking much to realize that most people will think my genitalia are deformed, on top of everything else. How many fucking surgeries could I have? It would be easier to rewrite my DNA. I have no problem with cosmetic surgery. I think it represents science and proactivity. But, it is a case that some people can't afford it, and that sucks, and represents socioeconomic inequalities. I think it is important that I link a photo of my vulva, as part of the larger dialogue. I don't think it looks 'repulsive', but my take is that most people would think I am one of the people who requires surgery. I don't know how to explain, but I feel so fucking pissed off. Is there anything about me at all that is 'acceptable'? Don't click this link unless you are 18 years of age or older, and feel confident you will not be psychologically scarred by viewing female genitalia.]



So I said my good-byes to everyone, I backed away. It's also a pattern: any time I've participated in online groups of any kind, it is rare for me to stay longer than a month or so. And so now, on my own, I take certain photos that perhaps could have been used for other purposes, but it is too late. But the reason.. it's both because they're too boring or ugly, but also because even these could be much worse, and I am sick of the standards and feeling that I have to submit myself to others for approval. If people show no awareness of the brainwashing they have endured, and no real compassion for what women face when it comes to appearance and age, I can't get with that. I understand the pressures men face. I would even prefer to find men who are unemployed and have insecurities that would help them to understand me better. I don't have a height, weight, skin colour, etc, requirement. What's most important to me is connecting on a fundamental level and that is so rare. If I momentarily find someone extremely physically attractive, that quickly dissipates if I find out we do not fundamentally connect. This is who I am. I admit that when it comes to religion and politics, yes, I do have preferences that are pretty hard to shake.



The colour of my room looks more like the still photo (although it's still difficult to capture the atomosphere and how much I like the room), and the movie not as much. It's not a good quality movie (it's taken with my camera). The main thing is that this is the general appearance of my room. I didn't even take special care to make my bed perfectly.

[I admit that the following is sarcastic. It's a huge file, not great quality, and the main thing is the message.. am I worth getting to know?]

Download a movie of my room

I don't believe anyone is too ugly for love, and this doesn't mean I am unaware of some of the unusual conditions that exist in human life. Maybe it helps if I say I could imagine myself finding someone like the Elephant Man the 'love of my life'. I chose a sensational title, perhaps to draw more attention to BDD, but also to try to explain what I have to fight if I even try to have contact with others.

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->exile on meme st: a diary
->xesce.net