before jumping to conclusions, please read the explanation below.

death the world the empress the chariot justice ten of swords two of pentacles
queen of pentacles queen of wands queen of cups king of swords knight of swords ace of pentacles nine of cups
the star four of pentacles three of pentacles eight of pentacles two of wands the devil six of pentacles
four of swords seven of swords three of swords page of pentacles the tower king of pentacles page of wands

[note as of 2004: i no longer have these cards, and this page embarrasses me, but i'm putting it back up as a way of demonstrating the kinds of things i find hard to accept about myself. i also sort of want to keep my original site somewhat intact, until i remove it.]

i made these tarot cards a long time ago. (only part of the deck appears here.) in spite of how 'bad' they are, i can't seem to throw them out yet. i think the reason for that lies somewhere in the symbolism.. in what everything represents to me personally. these cards are my way of linking my memories, a way in which i hold on to what is important to me: ways of thinking. experiences. efforts. desires. hopes. dreams.

i have changed since i first created them. i wish i could erase all the uncool stuff i've ever done, but maybe it's not really so important after all. however, i am not proud of this "artwork".

without getting deeply into things, i had an unusual and varied upbringing. at one point there were often "psychics" hanging around the family home. after a sensory deprivation experiment in which i had something of a startling experience, i needed some kind of language to begin to translate what i'd experienced. i started to study the tarot. eventually i made my own deck of tarot cards.

i am not a tarot expert. the meanings that appear on this site with each card are some of the traditional ones i remember. too chicken for now to share my own personal associations. i'm aware that many of the meanings of cards contradict each other, and that often it just seems the objective is to cover as many bases as possible, keep things purposely vague or whatever, but i'm not here to convince anyone that tarot cards predict the future or accurately portray anyone's life as it is. i don't generally read cards for people. on the rare occasions i have read for others in the past, i've done it because someone expressed interest and wasn't expecting me to be "psychic". i've always stressed that for me, it's not about predicting the future, it's more like a rorschach inkblot thing. it's a way to get a person to talk about things they need to talk about.

i have endless associations with the things i've drawn in my cards.. links to books, music, movies, experiences, etc. i find that looking at them can help me to focus on who i am and what i think and want, rather than be swayed by how the world works and what seems important to others. for me, it's a coping mechanism. it's a way of communicating with myself, making the subconscious conscious. it's a way of linking the more positive parts of my experiences with my thoughts, in new combinations. maybe all of this seems rather positive for a supposedly suicidally depressed person. what i feel drove the creation of the cards and is woven into all of them is an unusual romantic idea: for a long time, i've wanted to fall "in love" with someone who also wanted to die, and for us to kill ourselves together. to me, that would have been a positive outcome of my situation.

xesce tarot 2005