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 1. Traumatic and tumultuous childhood: -many moves, many schools -parents' violent verbal and physical arguments -sexual molestation age 5 -ichthyosis (I believed I could never marry, hiding it was an ongoing source of stress) -bullying and sexual harassment Many children face some combination of similar experiences, all of these, and/or more extreme versions of some experiences. I seemed to be coping well enough at this stage to always be a top student, to be responsible, able to meet my obligations and complete tasks, and stable enough to have a basic trust in the process and seasons of life. 2. Choosing to live with my father after my parents' divorce: -This is when I believe the most severe damage to my identity and self-esteem occurred, as well as my inner stability and trust in life. -I believe my eating disorder developed in such a way as to externally represent inner chaos, and a feeling of having no control, and that in addition I had no real safety. My mother's boyfriend was violent and dangerous - threatening to kill her and/or us - and it wasn't safe to live with them, but my father was dangerous in different ways - he was psychologically abusive in extremely complex ways, which included but were not limited to physical violence and sexually inappropriate behaviour, and controlling the beliefs of those around him, such that no one could identify abuse. -When I tried to kill myself at 16, it was a serious attempt, and represented that I not only felt I had no control over my life and the danger I was in, I could see no future. I started saving pills before I started seeing a controlling and abusive boyfriend. 3. Then a string of traumatic events occurred, deepening the damage, and increasing the power of addiction as a coping mechanism: -My mother died suddenly, not long after my suicide attempt. -I had an abortion not long after my mother's funeral. -A major move took place, and in total there were 3 moves in my last two years of high school. -Not long after the abortion, I was sexually assaulted 3 times in a period of 3 months, and after the last incident, I had undiagnosed PTSD. 4. The 4th phase occurred as a result of the lack of understanding and support I had, from family, friends, society, and institutions, including the psych professions. It was about the effects of stigma. I became seriously isolated, and have never been able to sustain connections since that time. I further mutated beyond the ability to feel comfortable with other human beings, or to feel it was possible to have a positive identity. From this stage on, it was as if I were living in a constant unresolved state of serious trauma. It never felt like 'normal' life, it felt like being trapped in a constant state of horror, and I just wanted to die. 5. My online experiences: -In some ways these were positive, and I was able to talk about my experience, but many of the people I encountered eventually either mirrored society's judgments, and/or were unconsciously drawn to abuse me themselves, and I think over time my identity and self-esteem were further worn down. Stigma and misinformation were very much a part of much online interaction. Even when people seem to understand in the moment I explain, it seems like when they go back out into society, or back to their regular lives, they go back to their original beliefs. -Being hacked and taunted for 17 years is not nothing just because it occurs online and people believe it isn't real, that it's delusion. When you feel that it is best for everyone you know that you remove yourself from their lives, when it's impossible for you to have an identity that seems either positive or that accurately reflects all the thought and effort you have put into life and relationships, when you feel judged and shunned by everyone, that no one has ever really loved you or ever will, it is particularly hard to have someone who hates you constantly watching you and trying to find new ways to abuse you and break you down further. 6. The fallout, over time: -I have so much shame and low self-esteem regarding my body, my self and in relation to body trauma that I can't deal with phones or cameras or contact with people, medical professionals, psych professionals. Not only am I not part of society, I am cut off from all avenues of help, support, friendship, change. -I don't know who to trust, and I seem to be suspicious of everyone now. Part of it is that I am more conscious of hidden prejudices that most people hold in relation to me. It's not like I want people's pity, but what I seem to elicit most often is impatience, anger, judgment and even a weird kind of competitive instinct, which seems to be about people wanting to put me in my place, even though I'm trying to call attention to the fact I need help, not that my trauma is 'more important' or 'worse' than anyone else's. My cumulative trauma is significant. The hardest thing to convey is probably the hours, the years of unusual isolation, being out of the loop, and surrounded by family who were unconsciously ashamed. The other details and experiences I have written about before are all still valid, but if we break down my life into key phases, I think this is the skeleton. ->exile on meme st: a diary ->xesce.net  |
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