stripped part 2 - the 10 lb mindfuck

July 30, 2015

I reached my goal weight of 98 lbs about 3 weeks ago. Since that time I have not actively tried to lose more weight. I have focused on maintaining long enough to document, but have somehow managed to lose a couple more pounds. In the following photos and short video clips, my weight ranges from 96-98 lbs, roughly 10 lbs less than what is considered to be a 'healthy' weight for my height (5'4"). My BMI is approximately 16.5 - 17. When I went for body composition testing in June, my overall body fat was at 21.6, which is considered slightly low for someone my age (49), and at that time my BMI was 18. At present my body fat might have decreased somewhat (maybe a few percent at most), but in the amount of time that has passed, it would not be a dramatic amount.

In France anything under 18 is an 'illegal' BMI when it comes to using models, and flouting this law can lead to jail time or fines.

If at any time you want to refer back to the x-rays that show my basic body type/skeleton and body composition at approximately 105 lbs in order to compare with the photos in this entry, go to:

stripped part 1

I am not trying to promote eating disorders or low weight. I want to try to explain some of the problems with BMI using myself as an example. I want people to examine the photos trying to keep an open mind. Do I really look so unhealthy or skinny? Do I look like I am the wrong weight for my body type? Can people see the issues I am pointing out, and can they understand why I might have felt the need to lose as much weight as I have considering my body type?

Does the camera really add 10 lbs, and if it does, how does that affect the majority of women, who are under increasing pressure to display attractive photos in social media as one of the challenges of their modern environment? When choosing an outfit, are women on some level factoring in how fat it will make them look, not just in person, but in the photos that appear on social media later?

I'm like that woman in the Seinfeld episode who only looked good in a certain restaurant, and the rest of the time did not.. and for me, this relates to both my face and body. I've tried to seek out certain habitats, but it is very difficult to cope with many aspects of life when even getting an ID photo is majorly traumatic and leads to suicidal feelings.

While at 96-98 lbs, I am not hoping people will be concerned about me, or that they will just dismiss me as someone who can't be reasoned with. I want to know if others can actually see that how my body is perceived messes with my mind. I am not planning to maintain my current weight, and it doesn't seem realistic, anyway. I am not planning to lose more. I am hoping that I will genuinely enjoy gaining a bit back. Perhaps if I gain about 7-10 lbs, I will look in person as I do in photos, minus all the ribs sticking out.

I can see that my ribs are quite noticeable in the photo above, but is this just because I have a very large ribcage, and due to the pose?

In the photo above, it's like the rest of the body looks fine.. there's just a bit of protruding rib. But would the rest of my body start looking disproportionately big if weight was gained?

Here my stomach looks flat, but my ribs are not protruding. All of the photos on this page were taken in a 2-day period. When stretched out on my back, and in certain poses, my ribs show more than others. This photo can be compared to this one from 2008, in which my weight was a little more than 10 lbs heavier. But, also from 2008, check out: these thighs (and even here, you can see my ribs a little), and another in which I look smaller and less muscular taken on the same day. I think that at a certain point, my ribcage can't really get any smaller, and so when I lose more weight, the legs might start to seem more balanced with the upper body. I could not test this theory out until I actually got under 100 lbs.

My ribs show a little, but wouldn't most people assume I look somewhat fit here? The protrusion can occur when I shift my weight to one side or the other, and this can occur when twisting a little to aim a camera. If I hold my stomach in, I suppose it would be very noticeable, but if I flex my abs, it doesn't look unhealthy.

In this pose, legs look fine (not unhealthy). But what about here:

Ok, I admit that in the photo above, my legs look scary.. but just moments later, I took a photo from another angle:


A similar pose now (photo on the right) looks completely different, and much 'healthier' or fitter.

The one of the back of my legs shows a little loose skin, but in the larger version of this photo, it's a lot more noticeable. I don't think this is from losing weight fast or incorrectly.. I think it's a combination of skin type, ageing, and a history of gaining and losing weight over and over again throughout my life.

The skin all over my body is getting looser over time. It might not be quite as dramatic as with those who have lost massive amounts of weight, but I think it's still enough that people primed by viewing images, movies, porn would find some of what I'm not showing scary, unhealthy or abnormal (for my age, or otherwise.)

All of this brings up another issue: at present many people are told they are exercising or losing weight in the 'wrong' ways, and while I think it is a good idea to spread information about techniques that are most effective, it is a bad idea to do it in such a way that it dismisses any effort a person has already put in. It is difficult to lose weight and get in shape, and it can be disheartening to have people sum up your efforts as a waste of time, or to face attitudes that suggest if you've ever gained weight in the first place, you sort of deserve to be shamed and to have to wear the evidence of it forever.


I tend to look pretty big from the back, and am self-conscious about both the backs of my thighs and my rear end. I wonder how many other women are constantly wondering if people are staring at 'the horror' every time someone is walking behind them or sees them bend over. These photos are pretty much all I can deal with even trying to photograph.

Once my weight gets below a certain amount - about 110 lbs or so - I can have problems with developing calluses on my spine, sore spots, or abrasions all around the tailbone area through doing pilates (eg, rolling like a ball), even with a mat.

One unexpectedly weird issue with being at the weight I currently am is that my armpits feel 'cavernous', and are more difficult to shave closely, to soap and to apply deodorant to.

Now we move on to some of my issues with my face, and how difficult it is to find lighting or angles that work for both my face and body at the same time..

Here'a a short movie (8 seconds) which shows me on a hike a few weeks ago. Even with sunglasses, I hate my facial awkwardness, but I think that it's possible to see more about my body that before now hasn't really been apparent on my site in still images. I don't usually smile with teeth because I tend to look really awkward or fake - but there is something weird here with them that isn't normal - my teeth don't usually look this big, so I'm not really sure what it's about. My face might have looked worse because it was a very cold day, I was self-conscious in front of the camera, I'm getting older.. and it was the wrong angle/lighting for me personally, but what if I look like this to most people who view me in daylight? Maybe it's possible to see why I want to avoid going out in daylight. The thing is that for me, ageing is not the biggest issue here - it's the facial disharmony.

I've had many people in one way or another seem to suggest I just get over it, and not care what people think, but we cannot actually live our lives without being affected by how people view us. It's all part of a complicated feedback machine that lets us know 'our place' in life. Some people might think they are not affected by how others view them, but they are deluded. I can choose to accept that I am viewed by people as a dog, a butterface or what I often think of as a 'meatloaf' (I'm a vegetarian, but am seen as a meatloaf, and many men honestly like meatloaf and can be quite happy with it, and committed to it, while still fantasizing about leaving the meatloaf for a steak throughout the course of the relationship, even to the ends of their lives.)

I don't think the most flattering photos I display on my site are indicative of 'reality', but I do think they capture something about my creativity and energy. I don't think it's logical that a person's 'best photo' is the whole truth of who they are, but at the same time, I don't think it's logical that a person's 'worst photo' is the 'whole truth' or the 'reality' of who that person is, either. And I just happen to be someone who has more range between the best and the worst than most people. Surely in understanding who I am, that is important info.

I know very well that this entry is long and would be boring to slog through for most people. I also know very well that if males take a quick look at the photos and like what they see, they could very well be extremely disappointed upon meeting me if they haven't read the text, and their reactions could very well be 'ewwww' or they could feel that I have participated in false advertising.


When I was young and presumably at peak attractiveness, no one was taking my photo. And when I went to a prom, instead of the typical experience when the girl comes down the stairs and the parents take photos and the boyfriend comments about how beautiful she looks, for me, no parents were home, and my boyfriend looked at me with disappointment. Another boyfriend took a spontaneous photo with a 'good camera', possibly to show it to friends (he had made a bet that he could sleep with me before the end of the summer). When I saw the photo, I said something like 'you have to admit that at times I look better than this' but he did not reply, and I got the sense he believed he had captured the essence of my appearance. When he showed the photo to friends, they commented I had great hair and asked if it was still like that. No, it wasn't, because with a perm and having to blowdry and curl it, as well as factoring in all the time out in the sun, it was damaged and I'd had to have it cut. So, the message I absorbed was that my only attractive feature at that time had been my hair. Even my body - which was very fit at the time - was summed up as 'fat' by my boyfriend (I weighed between 110-115 lbs.)

I have had contact with several males over the years who have actually been proud of females who managed to achieve weights that would be considered anorexic. Attraction doesn't seem to depend on what is currently considered medically 'healthy', although science tells us it is based on what the unconscious self perceives as healthy. I have also had contact with many, many men who aren't really aware of what actual weights are, and get the glazed-over, besotted look when a female pulls off a look or outfit that appeals to them personally or evokes a particular fantasy - even if the female has what would currently be considered an illegal BMI in countries like France. You can't really legislate against erections. Men can learn to keep certain thoughts to themselves, but unless there is an open dialogue about the situation, their desires will not be understood. They will be forced underground, or seek outlets in secret. The implied judgment and repercussions are clear. If you are attracted to anyone with an illegal BMI, you will likely be considered a creep by society's current standards, and you will not officially be given social approval.

Is shaming people for their appearance, thin or not, really a good way to effect change? Is shaming people a good way to change people's sexual desires?

Some footage of me in the house, with the head chopped off on purpose:

I am very comfortable wearing black opaque microfibre tights and a simple padded t-shirt bra. Shapewear or compression garments aren't something I like very much, but microfibre tights are quite comfortable, and I feel like I have some support. Doesn't it make sense that if you have larger legs proportionately speaking that you might need support garments, just as the larger the breasts, the more support is needed? I've heard so many people comment 'some women think people don't know they have cellulite when they wear lycra or shapewear or black leggings' or whatever, but the thing is, what the fuck are you supposed to wear? It seems to make sense to wear something that gives some support and is comfortable.

In Brisbane, the climate is subtropical, so this sort of thing can't be worn all year, and it can be a bitch to find clothing that does suit the climate. If your arms and legs are big, and not firm, it can be very difficult to find something both comfortable and attractive. Men's clothing is designed to cover more, and to better cover problem areas. Women are supposed to show skin. So if you have both skin that is not 'normal', as well as tone issues, it can be very difficult to find clothing that is flattering and suits the climate.

There are bathingsuits and other items of clothing that tackle 'problem areas', but how do you design a swimsuit to cover arms and legs? What if you have an unusual skin condition? I have tried Dermablend, but it's quite honestly unpleasant to use. In winter, my skin isn't exfoliated enough for it to spread well or look good up close (although it's probably ok for photography in the right lighting), but in summer there are issues of transferring of colour, the mess, and how it's even difficult to get it off your hands once you've rubbed it in.

I would like to see bathingsuits and costumes of lightweight fabric that would work in the climate here and would maybe resemble some of the 'skins' you can find in places like Second Life. I would definitely try them out, or even design them myself. For me, and others with body issues like mine, I sort of envision them as providing the kind of support shown in the video above, and full body or just the parts that any particular person wants to focus on (even extending to faces, hands and feet for those with scarring or burns, or issues in those places, while not having to be black - they could be flesh-coloured, with various designs. I also like the idea that they could be versatile enough to work for sex - that maybe they would be designed to allow access to genital and anal areas, with a variety of different panties that can be slipped on over the top, either made for swimming or for daily wear.

It has even occurred to me that for sex, I could try to make openings in the getup above, or something a little more fancy-looking, and this would to some extent address the risk of someone being horrified by the naked reality. But then there is still the issue of the face and how in just using its natural expressions the level of turnoff might be something that can't be compensated for. It might sound like my preoccupation is neurotic, but in this entry, I have made efforts to include the freezeframes that I can accept, while knowing about the scary moments in between.

Note: In some photos I am wearing body makeup, wigs, and Big Eyes contact lenses.

The video footage on this page shows an alternative view to the 'squashed frog' look of the x-ray photos. I think it also at least hints at a little more of what has never been captured in the still photos on my site as far as how my body might appear in person, and gives more of an idea of how weight is distributed over my body - when you can see more of the whole, it looks less out of proportion (less bottom heavy).

To recap: at the time the video footage was shot, I weighed approximately 98 lbs. For my height, that is considered underweight by 10 lbs. But, if the camera adds 10 lbs, perhaps what it means is that I look 108 lbs in the footage, or a 'healthy weight'. If in my case the camera doesn't add 10 lbs, and I really look as I do in photos, at what weight do I look better?

Aren't more people affected by the 10 lb Mindfuck? Almost all of life is filmed or photographed. You can't escape cameras anywhere you go. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered if it's necessary to compensate for what the camera adds, or who speculates about whether celebrities have to weigh 10 lbs less than their ideal weight in order to look like they are at their ideal weight.

If you look it up, you can find the various reasons the camera adds the illusion of 10 lbs. With good lighting and photography, you can apparently address it, but the attention to detail is not really practical for all photos, and precludes a spontaneous way of life. Does this phenomenon mess with people's heads? It does seem that some body types would be more affected than others.

Since my body composition was analyzed, I have lost approximately 7-9 lbs. I don't know to what extent my body composition has changed. It has been less than a month and a half, so those who know how fast body composition can shift, factoring in my low weight and that I had been losing weight for some time, will know that it's not likely I could shift it a great deal in that amount of time. Maybe a few percent. I have exercised, but it has mainly been somewhere from 30 minutes to an hour per day. I have been taking creatine, but have not been trying to increase my protein intake.

Photos taken of any occasion affect how I view and feel about any occasion. I think photos also affect how others interpret occasions, and how they perceive me. My website is now a collection of 'compensatory moments' to make up for the moments either never recorded, or that were represented by photos that made me want to kill myself.

Over the years, a few people have commented that I seem to be trying to turn men off at times on my site. That has never been my agenda, and I think those kinds of comments say more about those who make them and what their prejudices are than it does about me. I have also not been trying to turn people on. At times, I would have liked very much to have been able to do something that expressed a more stereotypical approach to sexual seduction, but it always ended up coming out much differently, and I have come to like that it comes out differently.

I do think it's a good thing that many people are fighting back against the rigid standards of attractiveness, including those who are not as thin as those who appear constantly in the various media, but what it seems to me is happening is that in the process, people like me are thrown under the bus. I know quite well that many women all over the world who are much heavier, and wear a bigger size, look much more attractive than I do at my best, and besides, even when my weight is low, I'm not totally firm, even with major exercise, and that low weight is not realistically maintainable for me anyway. I don't have 'curves in all the right places', I don't have beautiful, tight skin, (in photos I wear body makeup and full face makeup, I have a genetic condition called ichthyosis vulgaris, I put in effort to get good angles, as well as stretch and flex to obscure some of the issues), I do not have great hair or beautiful, photogenic facial features (I have to try really hard to get flattering angles), I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since my teens, haven't ever had a career, or social standing, plus, I have genital herpes. I don't have a great smile or outgoing personality - I have the kind of personality that it takes time to understand or get to know, and most people will dismiss me immediately, or, if they have contact with the 'nice, polite me' they have probably formed ideas about me that overlook some of the most interesting facets. We are creating a caste system in which there are tiers of beauty. The message I'm getting is that I'm an untouchable/unfuckable - unless I choose a distinct category, like 'Natural, No-nonsense Woman', who 'doesn't care what people think of her and has the courage to be herself', while shunning cosmetic procedures and fakeness of all kinds. Although Natural Makeup and a little hair dye for the roots as you age is probably ok.

An exception to all of the above is provided by Lena Dunham. She is challenging the whole tiers of beauty kind of thing, except that it does become about success and career, and so this is another area in which I can't compete with other females. After all this time, I still am no closer to authentically choosing a career. My website is my career, and to me it is valid. I don't get paid for it, and I don't get respect for it, and it certainly doesn't get me laid. But to give it up in order to have a 'real career' would not feel authentic to me, aside from issues of what I'd actually be able to do.

My website, as far as I can figure out, does make people uncomfortable. The ways in which I approach communication also might do the same. If I introduce myself as Xesce, or choose a nym, though, eventually the same patterns surface. I can't hold them back. But this is not about low self-esteem. I like my website, and it is extremely important to me.

Me wearing Big Eyes contact lenses for the anime-inspired bar Bincho. I took this photo after returning home.

What are women my age supposed to look like? At the age of 50, Sandra Bullock could still qualify as 'the most beautiful woman', but she really isn't typical. It says a lot about her that she would only accept the 'honour' if allowed to speak out about the pressures women face related to their appearance, and how appearance is seen as more important than any other factor, and that she states she herself finds it beautiful when women don't look like they're trying so hard - but in the comments that accompany the article about it online, there were of course the usual dickheads who just had to say that she only cares about sexism now that she's getting old and guys aren't going for her as much and she's getting bitter (thereby proving or illustrating her points.)

As for me, I'm one of those unattractive beasts who does look like she's trying hard. I don't apologize for it. I don't see why it's considered a virtue to try hard in other areas of life, but not this one. Actually, I do understand the evolutionary reasons and why people aren't consciously aware of them. I personally feel better when I have a sense that how I appeared on any given occasion reflects to some extent a 'level of attractiveness' more in keeping with how I felt I was coming across.

Women aren't really only competing with women their own age, they're competing with all females, of all ages, all the time - especially if they are not part of any recognizable social group. It is fortunate if someone is the most attractive one in a group of friends, or if someone looks good for their age, but underneath that, the thrill of living does seem to relate to the prospect of sex with the most attractive women, period. I think when you hear about studies in which men are more content than women in relationships, it's not because men are completely thrilled with their wives or have lower expectations, it's because they can live their lives having someone comfortable around, as well as being able to live surreptitiously 'on the hunt' perpetually. This works well with the internet and modern life, and feels good to the primal in man. But women, who are primally geared to feel 'happiest' with the highest level of commitment, can no longer fool themselves that they are the most beautiful woman in the world or that their mate sees them as other than a nice meatloaf. They might realize their mates are committed, yes, but it's a more tenuous commitment, and the official public statements men make are what is needed to distract from the hunt or what thrills them in life. If men know the reality is that a large number of people divorce, and that many men can get younger mates, they might feel less locked in and scared in marriage. Meanwhile, you can keep a woman placated by making sure to tell her all the things that you're supposed to.

And then there's the issue of when someone says 'Sandra Bullock is in her 50s', which seems to be 'hopeful', proving it is possible to still 'have it' at that age, but in a sense implies that if you are of a similar age and don't look as good you are maybe lazy, lacking in ambition, or defective.

When people comment on celebrity photos, they usually demonstrate zero ability to think critically. 'So-in-so is showing her age', 'what was she thinking in choosing that dress', 'she's gained so much weight', 'she's obviously had work done that's gone horribly wrong' - when all the time, photos taken on the same day in a different light could look very different. And when it comes to surgery, and cosmetic procedures, I completely support both. It takes courage to face the moral police and to accept the risk that the work might look obvious, or might not work out. But, it's a logical approach to dealing with the inequalities related to ageing and sexual attraction. It's about utilizing science to address quality of life. If we can look young and healthy for a longer period in our increasingly longer lives, I'm sure we'll eventually prove there are all kinds of 'health benefits' and psychological benefits to it.

I don't think people should have to 'own up' to having procedures done at present - because too many people just don't understand all of the factors involved. However, it would be good if eventually it's not a big deal to admit it, or it's considered a valid, healthy option, when it is the right choice for an individual.

I haven't yet had any procedures done. I have started experimenting with glycolic acid 35% - I was curious to see if alphahydroxy acids could help with my body exfoliation. Skin Beauty Solutions sell different alphahydroxy acids at different percentages. I was a bit nervous, but followed the instructions carefully, and used it for several weeks on both body and face, and now am taking a couple of months off. I recently contacted a plastic surgeon for a consult, no one got back to me. I haven't ruled it out for the future, but for now, it might take more confidence or energy than I have to deal with it, and maybe I like the DIY approach, or have come to accept that the images I put on my site are a compensation that suits me as an individual, and that allows me to have a fantasy life or to feel less limited by rules and 'reality'.

I am turned off by attitudes that demonstrate prejudice against plastic surgery. At the same time, I am also turned off by those who would demand it, not considering what is right for an individual or what that person's values are. I also would not find it appealing if someone praised my thinness (or any part of my appearance that is 'acceptable' to them) while disparaging those not as thin (or lacking comparable 'acceptable' qualities or features.)

This is not to be confused with a dismissal or ignorance of preferences and how ingrained they can be. I also realize that you can't demand that people feel empathy. However, it is an irrational stance to close one's mind to the facts and statistics that might challenge one's unconscious beliefs and prejudices, no matter how unfun it might be.

When it comes to women my age, most men see them as someone to cuddle on the sofa with, while their sexual selves find the most intense outlets through porn and fantasy, texting and sexting. It's not a bad thing if men do crave closeness and this type of intimacy.. but it represents a splitting off between the emotional and the sexual selves. When you get together in the usual ways that people do, there is usually this process where both people are a bit self-conscious and anxious, and eventually through the sofa cuddling it progresses to making out. The lights don't need to be on, and a lot of it is just a blind fumbling.

When it comes to my particular qualities or attributes, physical and psychological, this type of situation doesn't allow them much expression. My body might be summed up as small breasts, big thighs, imperfect (rough, dry) skin, handfuls of loose or non-dense flesh and awkward facial expressions. I might be perceived as below average in attractiveness, but a person will be willing to accept that if they form an attachment. Meanwhile, in this sort of situation I can't fully connect psychologically, emotionally, or physically. I need to find ways to get people to see more of what is unique about me in order to feel that I am communicating and participating fully, and in order to feel attractive.

Certainly there are women who enjoy the cougar role, but when men argue that their preferences are set through evolutionary pressures (they are attracted to those who are young and beautiful because they are most fit for childbearing), don't they realize that the biggest primal payoff for women does not come through playing cougar, but through connecting as deeply as possible? Because we are supposedly rational beings we can challenge these evolutionary pressures, but the whole cougar thing to me often seems to be about men's fantasies about what they want women to want. It's partly about a power shift, and women being able to earn their own way, yes, but as it's all being sifted through the cultural sieve, to me it often seems to come down to one more way for women to try to please men and gain their interest.

Beauty is now so commonplace that it is unconsciously perceived as the norm. Every day beautiful images are everywhere, and women aren't just competing with those in their immediate environment, they are competing with all the beautiful women of different cultures all over the world, the young and old, and every woman who has ever lived (who has been photographed). This has effects on what men think is available to them, and what women compare themselves to. I know very well that I am someone who doesn't tick enough of the desirable boxes, that I have too many 'dealbreaking' flaws, when there's so much variety apparently out there that no one has to settle.

Granted that my sample size isn't enough for an academic study, but in my interactions with people online, especially those with mental health issues, what I am picking up is that problems related to appearance affect more people than we realize, but diagnoses often obscure this aspect. We have not yet caught up, or haven't identified clearly enough that people are still affected by moral ideas related to appearing vain. We don't think appearance should affect us, and we are embarrassed that it does, so some of our neuroses reflect what we can't articulate, and we try to hide how preoccupied we are, or even doctors dismiss our concerns as irrelevant if enough criteria for an accepted or recognizable diagnosis are met. Often, a big problem is that health insurance won't cover something that isn't approved or well-recognized.

As modern life becomes increasingly filmed and photographed, we become increasingly aware of all our flaws. Movies, and most media tend to focus in on attractive subjects, and there are some imperfections we wordlessly absorb are abnormal. The messages are repeated so many times, and not discussed, that it seems to make sense that the majority of people will actually feel abnormal.

A movie starts and we immediately see a young woman just getting out of bed with a certain amount of flesh exposed. Her skin is smooth, cellulite-free. News stories include attractive photos of victims because they know people are more likely to want to read about them. What message does this send to the majority about how much sexual value they have, or how interesting or worth getting to know they might be? And if they were a victim, would anyone care? What are their lives worth?

What I wore to Libertine

I noticed something the other day. I noticed that I wasn't feeling unhappy. This is an incredibly big thing, because I have had a constant awareness of not only unhappiness, but misery, for a very long time. I have put in a lot of effort and dealt with some life problems (getting a passport and living will, for example, as well as planning a trip), and I haven't been drinking or overeating, and I am not creatively blocked, I am able to express whatever I need to, but if I had to zero in one the qualifying factor, it's probably that I have achieved this previously unattainable goal. I have reached the goal weight, and I have hung in there long enough to express or articulate what I needed to about the situation.

I think that many people will assume that because I stopped drinking for an extended period, alcohol is no longer clouding my judgment, the chemicals in my body are now sorted out, and that's the big contributing factor. But.. all along I have known I would drink again, and that was part of what motivated me - the possibility of a 'reward' again at the end of it all. I just put in effort to create a bigger reward, and I am now incredibly impressed with myself, and closer to the reward.

I don't just enjoy drinking in moderation. I have now had 3 nights out, with drinking. Each time, I did some searching, and chose a restaurant I really wanted to go to. The first time, I had approximately 3 units of wine (over 3 hours), a month later at the next outing I had 6 units of alcohol (over 3 - 3.5 hours) with the meal, and just over a week later I had about 9 units in over 4.5 hours. Yes, there is obviously some escalation, which would seem to signify that my current level of control is tenuous.

Each restaurant was very different (Bacchus, Libertine and Bincho), and each satisfied some necessary psychosocial component for me. I had a good time on each occasion. On the first two occasions, I felt like I wanted more alcohol, but didn't have it. On the third, I felt 'drunk enough', and even at my current weight, although I was more extroverted and loquacious, I wasn't slurring and I didn't experience blackout. And as far as hangover.. I was fine each time. Not 100%, but really no major discomfort whatsoever.

How we perceive our lives does have something to do with the photos taken of milestones and daily life. Photos can make it easier to access memories, associations and feelings. I've always had a problem with photos because photos of me tend to conflict with the impressions I have had of occasions. They poison my memories and I have had the impression they have also impacted how others have viewed their experiences which involved me. Photos taken of me in the past dismissed my experience or rendered it invalid. School photos, ID photos, family photos, photos with boyfriends. I think it all would have been fine if there were at least a couple of photos here and there that showed me at my best, or showed more of the range. Not having any such photos did affect my life, and I also think it affected how others saw me, and the extent to which they dismissed me. I have needed to try to show more of the story because I have felt assaulted by the camera throughout my life. This is my way of fighting back against what I perceive as injustice. I can't make myself 'stop being silly'. And, I admit that in having tried my hardest to address it, I do feel better, less powerless. And I feel 'happier'.

If people think my current weight is 'unhealthy', I would ask them to consider the above, and to think about my quality of life when I am at a 'healthy weight', well-documented throughout my website which focuses on my obsession with death.

If you want to refer back to the first part of this entry which shows my body composition through x-rays:

stripped part 1

Finally, I will leave off for now with an animated gif that perhaps represents the closest I have come to 'dancing' on my site:

[The fabric used as a photographic backdrop is called Sand Hill by Anna Pitjara, which I ordered through The handmade Vietnamese lingerie I am wearing in some photos is by LoVyHouse on Etsy.]

->exile on meme st: a diary