I reached my goal weight of 98 lbs about 3 weeks ago. Since that time
I have not actively tried to lose more weight. I have focused on
maintaining long enough to document, but have somehow managed to lose
a couple more pounds. In the following photos and short video clips,
my weight ranges from 96-98 lbs, roughly 10 lbs less than what is
considered to be a 'healthy' weight for my height (5'4"). My BMI is
approximately 16.5 - 17. When I went for body composition testing in
June, my overall body fat was at 21.6, which is considered slightly
low for someone my age (49), and at that time my BMI was 18. At
present my body fat might have decreased somewhat (maybe a few
percent at most), but in the amount of time that has passed, it would
not be a dramatic amount.
In France anything under 18 is an 'illegal' BMI when it comes to
using models, and flouting this law can lead to jail time or
fines.
If at any time you want to refer back to the x-rays that show my
basic body type/skeleton and body composition at approximately 105
lbs in order to compare with the photos in this entry, go
to:
I am not trying to promote eating disorders or low weight. I want to
try to explain some of the problems with BMI using myself as an
example. I want people to examine the photos trying to keep an open
mind. Do I really look so unhealthy or skinny? Do I look like I am
the wrong weight for my body type? Can people see the issues I am
pointing out, and can they understand why I might have felt the need
to lose as much weight as I have considering my body type?
Does the camera really add 10 lbs, and if it does, how does that
affect the majority of women, who are under increasing pressure to
display attractive photos in social media as one of the challenges of
their modern environment? When choosing an outfit, are women on some
level factoring in how fat it will make them look, not just in
person, but in the photos that appear on social media later?
I'm like that woman in the Seinfeld episode who only looked good in a
certain restaurant, and the rest of the time did not.. and for me,
this relates to both my face and body. I've tried to seek out certain
habitats, but it is very difficult to cope with many aspects of life
when even getting an ID photo is majorly traumatic and leads to
suicidal feelings.
While at 96-98 lbs, I am not hoping people will be concerned about
me, or that they will just dismiss me as someone who can't be
reasoned with. I want to know if others can actually see that how my
body is perceived messes with my mind. I am not planning to maintain
my current weight, and it doesn't seem realistic, anyway. I am not
planning to lose more. I am hoping that I will genuinely enjoy
gaining a bit back. Perhaps if I gain about 7-10 lbs, I will look in
person as I do in photos, minus all the ribs sticking out.
I can see that my ribs are quite noticeable in the photo above, but
is this just because I have a very large ribcage, and due to the
pose?
In the photo above, it's like the rest of the body looks fine..
there's just a bit of protruding rib. But would the rest of my body
start looking disproportionately big if weight was gained?
Here my stomach looks flat, but my ribs are not protruding. All of
the photos on this page were taken in a 2-day period. When stretched
out on my back, and in certain poses, my ribs show more than others.
This photo can be compared to this one from
2008, in which my weight was a little more than 10 lbs
heavier. But, also from 2008, check out: these thighs (and even here, you can
see my ribs a little), and another in
which I look smaller and less muscular taken on the same day.
I think that at a certain point, my ribcage can't really get any
smaller, and so when I lose more weight, the legs might start to seem
more balanced with the upper body. I could not test this theory out
until I actually got under 100 lbs.
My ribs show a little, but wouldn't most people assume I look
somewhat fit here? The protrusion can occur when I shift my weight to
one side or the other, and this can occur when twisting a little to
aim a camera. If I hold my stomach in, I suppose it would be very
noticeable, but if I flex my abs, it doesn't look unhealthy.
In this pose, legs look fine (not unhealthy). But what about
here:
Ok, I admit that in the photo above, my legs look scary.. but just
moments later, I took a photo from another angle:
A similar pose now (photo on the right) looks completely different,
and much 'healthier' or fitter.
The one of the back of my legs shows a little loose skin, but in the
larger version of this photo, it's a lot more noticeable. I don't
think this is from losing weight fast or incorrectly.. I think it's a
combination of skin type, ageing, and a history of gaining and losing
weight over and over again throughout my life.
The skin all over my body is getting looser over time. It might not
be quite as dramatic as with those who have lost massive amounts of
weight, but I think it's still enough that people primed by viewing
images, movies, porn would find some of what I'm not showing scary,
unhealthy or abnormal (for my age, or otherwise.)
All of this brings up another issue: at present many people are told
they are exercising or losing weight in the 'wrong' ways, and while I
think it is a good idea to spread information about techniques that
are most effective, it is a bad idea to do it in such a way that it
dismisses any effort a person has already put in. It is difficult to
lose weight and get in shape, and it can be disheartening to have
people sum up your efforts as a waste of time, or to face attitudes
that suggest if you've ever gained weight in the first place, you
sort of deserve to be shamed and to have to wear the evidence of it
forever.
I tend to look pretty big from the back, and am self-conscious about
both the backs of my thighs and my rear end. I wonder how many other
women are constantly wondering if people are staring at 'the horror'
every time someone is walking behind them or sees them bend over.
These photos are pretty much all I can deal with even trying to
photograph.
Once my weight gets below a certain amount - about 110 lbs or so - I
can have problems with developing calluses on my spine, sore spots,
or abrasions all around the tailbone area through doing pilates (eg,
rolling like a ball), even with a mat.
One unexpectedly weird issue with being at the weight I currently am
is that my armpits feel 'cavernous', and are more difficult to shave
closely, to soap and to apply deodorant to.
Now we move on to some of my issues with my face, and how difficult
it is to find lighting or angles that work for both my face and body
at the same time..
Here'a a short movie (8 seconds) which shows me on a hike a few weeks
ago. Even with sunglasses, I hate my facial awkwardness, but I think
that it's possible to see more about my body that before now hasn't
really been apparent on my site in still images. I don't usually
smile with teeth because I tend to look really awkward or fake - but
there is something weird here with them that isn't normal - my teeth
don't usually look this big, so I'm not really sure what it's about.
My face might have looked worse because it was a very cold day, I was
self-conscious in front of the camera, I'm getting older.. and it was
the wrong angle/lighting for me personally, but what if I look like
this to most people who view me in daylight? Maybe it's possible to
see why I want to avoid going out in daylight. The thing is that for
me, ageing is not the biggest issue here - it's the facial
disharmony.
I've had many people in one way or another seem to suggest I just get
over it, and not care what people think, but we cannot actually live
our lives without being affected by how people view us. It's all part
of a complicated feedback machine that lets us know 'our place' in
life. Some people might think they are not affected by how others
view them, but they are deluded. I can choose to accept that I am
viewed by people as a dog, a butterface or what I often think of as a
'meatloaf' (I'm a vegetarian, but am seen as a meatloaf, and many men
honestly like meatloaf and can be quite happy with it, and committed
to it, while still fantasizing about leaving the meatloaf for a steak
throughout the course of the relationship, even to the ends of their
lives.)
I don't think the most flattering photos I display on my site are
indicative of 'reality', but I do think they capture something about
my creativity and energy. I don't think it's logical that a person's
'best photo' is the whole truth of who they are, but at the same
time, I don't think it's logical that a person's 'worst photo' is the
'whole truth' or the 'reality' of who that person is, either. And I
just happen to be someone who has more range between the best and the
worst than most people. Surely in understanding who I am, that is
important info.
I know very well that this entry is long and would be boring to slog
through for most people. I also know very well that if males take a
quick look at the photos and like what they see, they could very well
be extremely disappointed upon meeting me if they haven't read the
text, and their reactions could very well be 'ewwww' or they could
feel that I have participated in false advertising.
When I was young and presumably at peak attractiveness, no one was
taking my photo. And when I went to a prom, instead of the typical
experience when the girl comes down the stairs and the parents take
photos and the boyfriend comments about how beautiful she looks, for
me, no parents were home, and my boyfriend looked at me with
disappointment. Another boyfriend took a spontaneous photo with a
'good camera', possibly to show it to friends (he had made a bet that
he could sleep with me before the end of the summer). When I saw the
photo, I said something like 'you have to admit that at times I look
better than this' but he did not reply, and I got the sense he
believed he had captured the essence of my appearance. When he showed
the photo to friends, they commented I had great hair and asked if it
was still like that. No, it wasn't, because with a perm and having to
blowdry and curl it, as well as factoring in all the time out in the
sun, it was damaged and I'd had to have it cut. So, the message I
absorbed was that my only attractive feature at that time had been my
hair. Even my body - which was very fit at the time - was summed up
as 'fat' by my boyfriend (I weighed between 110-115 lbs.)
I have had contact with several males over the years who have
actually been proud of females who managed to achieve weights that
would be considered anorexic. Attraction doesn't seem to depend on
what is currently considered medically 'healthy', although science
tells us it is based on what the unconscious self perceives as
healthy. I have also had contact with many, many men who aren't
really aware of what actual weights are, and get the glazed-over,
besotted look when a female pulls off a look or outfit that appeals
to them personally or evokes a particular fantasy - even if the
female has what would currently be considered an illegal BMI in
countries like France. You can't really legislate against erections.
Men can learn to keep certain thoughts to themselves, but unless
there is an open dialogue about the situation, their desires will not
be understood. They will be forced underground, or seek outlets in
secret. The implied judgment and repercussions are clear. If you are
attracted to anyone with an illegal BMI, you will likely be
considered a creep by society's current standards, and you will not
officially be given social approval.
Is shaming people for their appearance, thin or not, really a good
way to effect change? Is shaming people a good way to change
people's sexual desires?
Some footage of me in the house, with the head chopped off on
purpose:
I am very comfortable wearing black opaque microfibre tights and a
simple padded t-shirt bra. Shapewear or compression garments aren't
something I like very much, but microfibre tights are quite
comfortable, and I feel like I have some support. Doesn't it make
sense that if you have larger legs proportionately speaking that you
might need support garments, just as the larger the breasts, the more
support is needed? I've heard so many people comment 'some women
think people don't know they have cellulite when they wear lycra or
shapewear or black leggings' or whatever, but the thing is, what the
fuck are you supposed to wear? It seems to make sense to wear
something that gives some support and is comfortable.
In Brisbane, the climate is subtropical, so this sort of thing can't
be worn all year, and it can be a bitch to find clothing that does
suit the climate. If your arms and legs are big, and not firm, it can
be very difficult to find something both comfortable and attractive.
Men's clothing is designed to cover more, and to better cover problem
areas. Women are supposed to show skin. So if you have both skin that
is not 'normal', as well as tone issues, it can be very difficult to
find clothing that is flattering and suits the climate.
There are bathingsuits and other items of clothing that tackle
'problem areas', but how do you design a swimsuit to cover arms and
legs? What if you have an unusual skin condition? I have tried
Dermablend, but it's quite honestly unpleasant to use. In winter, my
skin isn't exfoliated enough for it to spread well or look good up
close (although it's probably ok for photography in the right
lighting), but in summer there are issues of transferring of colour,
the mess, and how it's even difficult to get it off your hands once
you've rubbed it in.
I would like to see bathingsuits and costumes of lightweight fabric
that would work in the climate here and would maybe resemble some of
the 'skins' you can find in places like Second Life. I would
definitely try them out, or even design them myself. For me, and
others with body issues like mine, I sort of envision them as
providing the kind of support shown in the video above, and full body
or just the parts that any particular person wants to focus on (even
extending to faces, hands and feet for those with scarring or burns,
or issues in those places, while not having to be black - they could
be flesh-coloured, with various designs. I also like the idea that
they could be versatile enough to work for sex - that maybe they
would be designed to allow access to genital and anal areas, with a
variety of different panties that can be slipped on over the top,
either made for swimming or for daily wear.
It has even occurred to me that for sex, I could try to make openings
in the getup above, or something a little more fancy-looking, and
this would to some extent address the risk of someone being horrified
by the naked reality. But then there is still the issue of the face
and how in just using its natural expressions the level of turnoff
might be something that can't be compensated for. It might sound like
my preoccupation is neurotic, but in this entry, I have made efforts
to include the freezeframes that I can accept, while knowing about
the scary moments in between.
Note: In some photos I am wearing body makeup, wigs, and Big Eyes
contact lenses.
The video footage on this page shows an alternative view to the
'squashed frog' look of the x-ray photos. I think it also at least
hints at a little more of what has never been captured in the still
photos on my site as far as how my body might appear in person, and
gives more of an idea of how weight is distributed over my body -
when you can see more of the whole, it looks less out of proportion
(less bottom heavy).
To recap: at the time the video footage was shot, I weighed
approximately 98 lbs. For my height, that is considered underweight
by 10 lbs. But, if the camera adds 10 lbs, perhaps what it means is
that I look 108 lbs in the footage, or a 'healthy weight'. If in my
case the camera doesn't add 10 lbs, and I really look as I do in
photos, at what weight do I look better?
Aren't more people affected by the 10 lb Mindfuck? Almost all of
life is filmed or photographed. You can't escape cameras anywhere you
go. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered if it's necessary
to compensate for what the camera adds, or who speculates about
whether celebrities have to weigh 10 lbs less than their ideal weight
in order to look like they are at their ideal weight.
If you look it up, you can find the various reasons the camera adds
the illusion of 10 lbs. With good lighting and photography, you can
apparently address it, but the attention to detail is not really
practical for all photos, and precludes a spontaneous way of life.
Does this phenomenon mess with people's heads? It does seem that some
body types would be more affected than others.
Since my body composition was analyzed, I have lost approximately 7-9
lbs. I don't know to what extent my body composition has changed. It
has been less than a month and a half, so those who know how fast
body composition can shift, factoring in my low weight and that I had
been losing weight for some time, will know that it's not likely I
could shift it a great deal in that amount of time. Maybe a few
percent. I have exercised, but it has mainly been somewhere from 30
minutes to an hour per day. I have been taking creatine, but have not
been trying to increase my protein intake.
Photos taken of any occasion affect how I view and feel about any
occasion. I think photos also affect how others interpret occasions,
and how they perceive me. My website is now a collection of
'compensatory moments' to make up for the moments either never
recorded, or that were represented by photos that made me want to
kill myself.
Over the years, a few people have commented that I seem to be trying
to turn men off at times on my site. That has never been my agenda,
and I think those kinds of comments say more about those who make
them and what their prejudices are than it does about me. I have also
not been trying to turn people on. At times, I would have liked very
much to have been able to do something that expressed a more
stereotypical approach to sexual seduction, but it always ended up
coming out much differently, and I have come to like that it comes
out differently.
I do think it's a good thing that many people are fighting back
against the rigid standards of attractiveness, including those who
are not as thin as those who appear constantly in the various media,
but what it seems to me is happening is that in the process, people
like me are thrown under the bus. I know quite well that many women
all over the world who are much heavier, and wear a bigger size, look
much more attractive than I do at my best, and besides, even when my
weight is low, I'm not totally firm, even with major exercise, and
that low weight is not realistically maintainable for me anyway. I
don't have 'curves in all the right places', I don't have beautiful,
tight skin, (in photos I wear body makeup and full face makeup, I
have a genetic condition called ichthyosis vulgaris, I put in
effort to get good angles, as well as stretch and flex to obscure
some of the issues), I do not have great hair or beautiful,
photogenic facial features (I have to try really hard to get
flattering angles), I have been dealing with depression and anxiety
since my teens, haven't ever had a career, or social standing,
plus, I have genital herpes. I don't have a great smile or outgoing
personality - I have the kind of personality that it takes time to
understand or get to know, and most people will dismiss me
immediately, or, if they have contact with the 'nice, polite me' they
have probably formed ideas about me that overlook some of the most
interesting facets. We are creating a caste system in which there are
tiers of beauty. The message I'm getting is that I'm an
untouchable/unfuckable - unless I choose a distinct category, like
'Natural, No-nonsense Woman', who 'doesn't care what people think of
her and has the courage to be herself', while shunning cosmetic
procedures and fakeness of all kinds. Although Natural Makeup and a
little hair dye for the roots as you age is probably ok.
An exception to all of the above is provided by Lena Dunham. She is
challenging the whole tiers of beauty kind of thing, except that it
does become about success and career, and so this is another area in
which I can't compete with other females. After all this time, I
still am no closer to authentically choosing a career. My website is
my career, and to me it is valid. I don't get paid for it, and I
don't get respect for it, and it certainly doesn't get me laid. But
to give it up in order to have a 'real career' would not feel
authentic to me, aside from issues of what I'd actually be able to
do.
My website, as far as I can figure out, does make people
uncomfortable. The ways in which I approach communication also might
do the same. If I introduce myself as Xesce, or choose a nym, though,
eventually the same patterns surface. I can't hold them back. But
this is not about low self-esteem. I like my website, and it is
extremely important to me.
Me wearing Big Eyes contact lenses for the anime-inspired bar
Bincho. I took this photo after returning home.
What are women my age supposed to look like? At the age of 50, Sandra
Bullock could still qualify as 'the most beautiful woman', but she
really isn't typical. It says a lot about her that she would only
accept the 'honour' if allowed to speak out about the pressures women
face related to their appearance, and how appearance is seen as more
important than any other factor, and that she states she herself
finds it beautiful when women don't look like they're trying so hard -
but in the comments that accompany the article about it online,
there were of course the usual dickheads who just had to say that she
only cares about sexism now that she's getting old and guys aren't
going for her as much and she's getting bitter (thereby proving or
illustrating her points.)
As for me, I'm one of those unattractive beasts who does look like
she's trying hard. I don't apologize for it. I don't see why it's
considered a virtue to try hard in other areas of life, but not this
one. Actually, I do understand the evolutionary reasons and why
people aren't consciously aware of them. I personally feel better
when I have a sense that how I appeared on any given occasion
reflects to some extent a 'level of attractiveness' more in keeping
with how I felt I was coming across.
Women aren't really only competing with women their own age, they're
competing with all females, of all ages, all the time - especially if
they are not part of any recognizable social group. It is fortunate
if someone is the most attractive one in a group of friends, or if
someone looks good for their age, but underneath that, the thrill of
living does seem to relate to the prospect of sex with the most
attractive women, period. I think when you hear about studies in
which men are more content than women in relationships, it's not
because men are completely thrilled with their wives or have lower
expectations, it's because they can live their lives having someone
comfortable around, as well as being able to live surreptitiously 'on
the hunt' perpetually. This works well with the internet and modern
life, and feels good to the primal in man. But women, who are
primally geared to feel 'happiest' with the highest level of
commitment, can no longer fool themselves that they are the most
beautiful woman in the world or that their mate sees them as other
than a nice meatloaf. They might realize their mates are committed,
yes, but it's a more tenuous commitment, and the official public
statements men make are what is needed to distract from the hunt or
what thrills them in life. If men know the reality is that a large
number of people divorce, and that many men can get younger mates,
they might feel less locked in and scared in marriage. Meanwhile, you
can keep a woman placated by making sure to tell her all the things
that you're supposed to.
And then there's the issue of when someone says 'Sandra Bullock is
in her 50s', which seems to be 'hopeful', proving it is possible to
still 'have it' at that age, but in a sense implies that
if you are of a similar age and don't look as good you are maybe
lazy, lacking in ambition, or defective.
When people comment on celebrity photos, they usually demonstrate
zero ability to think critically. 'So-in-so is showing her age',
'what was she thinking in choosing that dress', 'she's gained so much
weight', 'she's obviously had work done that's gone horribly wrong' -
when all the time, photos taken on the same day in a different light
could look very different. And when it comes to surgery, and cosmetic
procedures, I completely support both. It takes courage to face the
moral police and to accept the risk that the work might look obvious,
or might not work out. But, it's a logical approach to dealing with
the inequalities related to ageing and sexual attraction. It's about
utilizing science to address quality of life. If we can look young
and healthy for a longer period in our increasingly longer lives, I'm
sure we'll eventually prove there are all kinds of 'health benefits'
and psychological benefits to it.
I don't think people should have to 'own up' to having procedures
done at present - because too many people just don't understand all
of the factors involved. However, it would be good if eventually it's
not a big deal to admit it, or it's considered a valid, healthy
option, when it is the right choice for an individual.
I haven't yet had any procedures done. I have started experimenting
with glycolic acid 35% - I was curious to see if alphahydroxy acids
could help with my body exfoliation. Skin Beauty Solutions sell
different alphahydroxy acids at different percentages. I was a bit
nervous, but followed the instructions carefully, and used it for
several weeks on both body and face, and now am taking a couple of
months off. I recently contacted a plastic surgeon for a consult, no
one got back to me. I haven't ruled it out for the future, but for
now, it might take more confidence or energy than I have to deal with
it, and maybe I like the DIY approach, or have come to accept that
the images I put on my site are a compensation that suits me as an
individual, and that allows me to have a fantasy life or to feel less
limited by rules and 'reality'.
I am turned off by attitudes that demonstrate prejudice against
plastic surgery. At the same time, I am also turned off by those who
would demand it, not considering what is right for an individual or
what that person's values are. I also would not find it appealing if
someone praised my thinness (or any part of my appearance that is
'acceptable' to them) while disparaging those not as thin (or lacking
comparable 'acceptable' qualities or features.)
This is not to be confused with a dismissal or ignorance of
preferences and how ingrained they can be. I also realize that you
can't demand that people feel empathy. However, it is an irrational
stance to close one's mind to the facts and statistics that might
challenge one's unconscious beliefs and prejudices, no matter how
unfun it might be.
When it comes to women my age, most men see them as someone to cuddle
on the sofa with, while their sexual selves find the most intense
outlets through porn and fantasy, texting and sexting. It's not a bad
thing if men do crave closeness and this type of intimacy.. but it
represents a splitting off between the emotional and the sexual
selves. When you get together in the usual ways that people do, there
is usually this process where both people are a bit self-conscious
and anxious, and eventually through the sofa cuddling it progresses
to making out. The lights don't need to be on, and a lot of it is
just a blind fumbling.
When it comes to my particular qualities or attributes, physical and
psychological, this type of situation doesn't allow them much
expression. My body might be summed up as small breasts, big thighs,
imperfect (rough, dry) skin, handfuls of loose or non-dense flesh
and awkward facial expressions. I might be perceived as below average
in attractiveness, but a person will be willing to accept that if
they form an attachment. Meanwhile, in this sort of situation I can't
fully connect psychologically, emotionally, or physically. I need to
find ways to get people to see more of what is unique about me in
order to feel that I am communicating and participating fully, and in
order to feel attractive.
Certainly there are women who enjoy the cougar role, but when men
argue that their preferences are set through evolutionary pressures
(they are attracted to those who are young and beautiful because they
are most fit for childbearing), don't they realize that the biggest
primal payoff for women does not come through playing cougar, but
through connecting as deeply as possible? Because we are supposedly
rational beings we can challenge these evolutionary pressures, but
the whole cougar thing to me often seems to be about men's fantasies
about what they want women to want. It's partly about a power shift,
and women being able to earn their own way, yes, but as it's all
being sifted through the cultural sieve, to me it often seems to
come down to one more way for women to try to please men and gain
their interest.
Beauty is now so commonplace that it is unconsciously perceived as
the norm. Every day beautiful images are everywhere, and women aren't
just competing with those in their immediate environment, they are
competing with all the beautiful women of different cultures all
over the world, the young and old, and every woman who has ever lived
(who has been photographed). This has effects on what men think is
available to them, and what women compare themselves to. I know very
well that I am someone who doesn't tick enough of the desirable
boxes, that I have too many 'dealbreaking' flaws, when there's so
much variety apparently out there that no one has to settle.
Granted that my sample size isn't enough for an academic study, but
in my interactions with people online, especially those with mental
health issues, what I am picking up is that problems related to
appearance affect more people than we realize, but diagnoses often
obscure this aspect. We have not yet caught up, or haven't identified
clearly enough that people are still affected by moral ideas related
to appearing vain. We don't think appearance should affect us, and we
are embarrassed that it does, so some of our neuroses reflect what we
can't articulate, and we try to hide how preoccupied we are, or even
doctors dismiss our concerns as irrelevant if enough criteria for an
accepted or recognizable diagnosis are met. Often, a big problem is
that health insurance won't cover something that isn't approved or
well-recognized.
As modern life becomes increasingly filmed and photographed, we
become increasingly aware of all our flaws. Movies, and most media
tend to focus in on attractive subjects, and there are some
imperfections we wordlessly absorb are abnormal. The messages are
repeated so many times, and not discussed, that it seems to make
sense that the majority of people will actually feel
abnormal.
A movie starts and we immediately see a young woman just getting out
of bed with a certain amount of flesh exposed. Her skin is smooth,
cellulite-free. News stories include attractive photos of victims
because they know people are more likely to want to read about them.
What message does this send to the majority about how much sexual
value they have, or how interesting or worth getting to know they
might be? And if they were a victim, would anyone care? What are
their lives worth?
What I wore to Libertine
I noticed something the other day. I noticed that I wasn't feeling
unhappy. This is an incredibly big thing, because I have had a
constant awareness of not only unhappiness, but misery, for a very
long time. I have put in a lot of effort and dealt with some life
problems (getting a passport and living will, for example, as well as
planning a trip), and I haven't been drinking or overeating, and I
am not creatively blocked, I am able to express whatever I need to,
but if I had to zero in one the qualifying factor, it's probably
that I have achieved this previously unattainable goal. I have
reached the goal weight, and I have hung in there long enough to
express or articulate what I needed to about the situation.
I think that many people will assume that because I stopped drinking
for an extended period, alcohol is no longer clouding my judgment,
the chemicals in my body are now sorted out, and that's the big
contributing factor. But.. all along I have known I would drink
again, and that was part of what motivated me - the possibility of a
'reward' again at the end of it all. I just put in effort to create a
bigger reward, and I am now incredibly impressed with myself, and
closer to the reward.
I don't just enjoy drinking in moderation. I have now had 3 nights
out, with drinking. Each time, I did some searching, and chose a
restaurant I really wanted to go to. The first time, I had
approximately 3 units of wine (over 3 hours), a month later at the
next outing I had 6 units of alcohol (over 3 - 3.5 hours) with the
meal, and just over a week later I had about 9 units in over 4.5
hours. Yes, there is obviously some escalation, which would seem to
signify that my current level of control is tenuous.
Each restaurant was very different (Bacchus, Libertine and Bincho),
and each satisfied some necessary psychosocial component for me. I
had a good time on each occasion. On the first two occasions, I felt
like I wanted more alcohol, but didn't have it. On the third, I felt
'drunk enough', and even at my current weight, although I was more
extroverted and loquacious, I wasn't slurring and I didn't experience
blackout. And as far as hangover.. I was fine each time. Not 100%,
but really no major discomfort whatsoever.
How we perceive our lives does have something to do with the photos
taken of milestones and daily life. Photos can make it easier to
access memories, associations and feelings. I've always had a problem
with photos because photos of me tend to conflict with the
impressions I have had of occasions. They poison my memories and I
have had the impression they have also impacted how others have
viewed their experiences which involved me. Photos taken of me in the
past dismissed my experience or rendered it invalid. School photos,
ID photos, family photos, photos with boyfriends. I think it all
would have been fine if there were at least a couple of photos here
and there that showed me at my best, or showed more of the range. Not
having any such photos did affect my life, and I also think it
affected how others saw me, and the extent to which they dismissed
me. I have needed to try to show more of the story because I have
felt assaulted by the camera throughout my life. This is my way of
fighting back against what I perceive as injustice. I can't make
myself 'stop being silly'. And, I admit that in having tried my
hardest to address it, I do feel better, less powerless. And I feel
'happier'.
If people think my current weight is 'unhealthy', I would ask them to
consider the above, and to think about my quality of life when I am
at a 'healthy weight', well-documented throughout my website which
focuses on my obsession with death.
If you want to refer back to the first part of this entry which
shows my body composition through x-rays:
Finally, I will leave off for now with an animated gif that perhaps
represents the closest I have come to 'dancing' on my site:
[The fabric used as a photographic backdrop is called Sand Hill by
Anna Pitjara, which I ordered through aboriginalfabrics.com.au.
The handmade Vietnamese lingerie I am wearing in some photos is by
LoVyHouse on Etsy.]
