While GK was recently away for work, I was alone in his house. During
that time, an accident occurred. One night GK's car, which was parked
on the street, was hit and significantly damaged. A young driver's
car was damaged but he was not injured. We later learned that the
driver was not under the influence, but had lost control of his
vehicle, first crashing into a pole, and then into GK's car.
One of the reasons I stopped drinking at the end of November 2014 was
that I knew my self-esteem had reached a point where I would not be
able to handle a crisis if it occurred. While in an extended heavy
drinking phase, I constantly felt that I was in a precarious
position. I knew that if I had to talk to or interact with humans I
would be likely to find it very difficult. It's not that I thought it
was enjoyable, or that I wanted it to continue, but I had come to
think that for me, life was better with alcohol than without, and I
was just waiting to die. I did realize that it might take time. There
are so many warnings, but in reality, very bad habits might only
reduce the expected lifespan by 20 years. Could I really live to 65
or so? And how incapacitated would I be, for how many years?
In September 2014, I had my first foray into the outside world in a
few years, and I didn't really enjoy it. I didn't think there was
anything for me out there. I had stopped drinking for 3 weeks so that
I could deal with that trip, but when I returned, there was a major
backlash, and I drank more heavily than I ever had.
Anyway.. when the accident occurred, I was unaware of it at first. I
hadn't heard anything. Two internal doors in the house were shut,
sounds carries weirdly here, and I might still have been listening to
loud music because I was exercising. I only noticed something a bit
odd when through the frosted glass I spotted some lights I wasn't
used to seeing. When I stepped just out the front door, I couldn't
wrap my head around what I was seeing. It was dark and from my angle
at the bottom of a sloping driveway, it was difficult to make out
much, but I didn't understand the position of the car, amongst other
things. There was a young person pacing. I said 'wtf?' and I realized
not long after that I very likely came across as inhuman, and this
did cause me to feel consciously anxious. Very shortly after a male
voice asked if everyone was alright. I didn't hear the reply, but I
gathered that the main issue was the damage to the vehicles.
A normal person would start asking questions, and would check out
the scene. I went and hid in the house. I called GK and asked him
what he wanted me to do. I did actually have an anxiety reaction. My
heartrate was very fast, I noticed that my breathing was difficult,
and I felt nauseated. GK ended up calling the police and sorting
things out, but I did feel embarrassed about how I handled the
situation. Even though at the time I hadn't been drinking for almost
10 weeks, I still wasn't ready to deal with people. Luckily no one
was physically hurt.
I find myself wondering if I ever will be ready to deal with people.
I feel like I have tried as much as possible, and that my effort is
just not enough. I am not planning to drink any time soon, but it
does seem that my pattern is likely to be similar to previous times.
Whatever my excessive behaviour is at the time, I focus all my energy
on stopping it so that I have a chance to 'have more of a life' (for
a few moments), with the idea that I will also try to pull off a
suicide, but eventually there is just no way to make life enjoyable
enough, even momentarily, or to sustain the effort. My efforts
don't connect in practical or authentic ways.
GK's car is now being repaired. It seems unlikely it will look the
way it did before. Will this give it character? There are already
so many cars that look similar. I think in many ways we both liked
that he would have a chance to take his Lada out of storage for a
This time, I wasn't drunk, the driver wasn't drunk, but I found
myself thinking about the crash symbolically, such that because I
have left things so long, there is the increased likelihood that
small and large crises will eventually crop up. Accidents are part of
life, but it is always difficult to be sure which ones are avoidable.
The passenger's side was more damaged than the driver's. I am not
ready to drive. I am just trying to get far enough ahead, but the
older I get, the harder it is to get even as far as the places that
used to still not really be acceptable. There are many warning signs
that I should get out before it gets worse.
There are no Peaceful Pills in sight.
I am trying to get far enough ahead to 'do something'. I've had many
ideas about what to do, but planning is difficult and spontaneity
might be foolish. I don't have ID and I don't know where I can
actually go or what I can do without it. I've reached a point where
getting ID is not only difficult in practical and psychological
ways, but where I think the system is extremely ugly. Biting the
bullet and going through with it is the sensible thing to do, but
what it all stands for goes against what I find acceptable. People
are often saying 'if you don't like it, leave'.. not really
understanding how difficult it can be to move in the world. Not
everyone is internally and practically resourceful.
I wanted to create an entry for Valentine's Day that was more
colourful and energetic, but nothing really worked out. It actually
feels like I am in a 'good' phase at the moment. At present, it is
possible to be hopeful that somehow I can escape the cesspool of
daily ongoing life. At the same time, it seems to me that I am
engaging in a kind of bomb shelter mentality again. I am trying to
get as much done as possible before the next collapse. I think there
are things I like about living like a wastrel, and maybe to some
extent I accept that about myself. However.. if I am asked to
carefully consider what I value and what I believe is the best
course of action in my situation, I would not say that I want any
kind of life longterm it is realistic for me to achieve.
Hmmm. If I want to get in under the line, I have to post this now,
->exile on meme st: a diary