Sexual Development
...We pretend that sexual orientation and personal style are one and
the same and that those who suggest otherwise are trying to make
fools of us or hide their shameful preference. Presented with
Nature's bouquet of possibilities, a wild assortment of genders and
erotic preference and a vast array of personalities, we throw it to
the ground...
Amy Bloom, Normal: Transsexual CEOs, Crossdressing Cops and
Hermaphrodites with Attitude
See also:
sexual
molestation, which gives an account of a sexual experience
at approximately age 5. It involved a babysitter, and led to me
initiating similar activities with girls my own age (infrequently)
for a few years.
Most people apparently have trouble remembering childhood
autoeroticism, and if they learned suppression or if they were
punished for the behaviour, although adolescent activity is usually
less difficult to remember.
My masturbation style developed in a way that seems influenced by the
perception of being watched. (This may also relate to the eventual
development of an
observation-communication
delusion.) I used to cover my body with a wash
cloth when I was very young (many years before adolescence), playing
a kind of peek-a-boo with body parts. The idea of slowly exposing
body parts became an ongoing part of my masturbation style - with the
idea that someone was watching. It seems to me that even later on,
many of my fantasies involved the idea of me having a kind of power
while others watched me.
I have written elsewhere that my sexual education began in viewing
men's magazines, and books like
The Joy of Sex when visiting
my father, beginning at age 9.
Beginning at age 13, my father began to talk to me in detail about
sex.
A girl at puberty might have sexual urges, but no outlets. If she
does not conform to current cultural ideals, she may lose confidence,
and much of her effort may go into trying to address her
attractiveness or lack thereof.
For me,
ichthyosis was a
significant concern. It could be that food became a kind of sexual
substitute which eventually served another function: I could focus on
weight as making me unattractive, rather than risk exposing the
secret of an unusual skin condition.
Often teenage girls end up giving sexual release to boys, but do not
expect reciprocation. It's true I gave a lot more blowjobs and
handjobs than I received in return, but it was not all that difficult
for me to have orgasms fully clothed just rubbing up against someone,
and that would prevent me from having to expose my
skin/ichthyosis.
I have heard it argued that sex education which includes talking
about masturbation/ways to give pleasure to oneself is a way to help
girls resist sexual pressure, the thinking being that if a girl
knows she can provide her own orgasm, she will not blindly seek out
boys to gratify her unconscious desires.
I masturbated to orgasm regularly
before I participated in
oral or manual stimulation or had vaginal intercourse. Sex is not
just about orgasm, and teen longings include a variety of desires,
many of which are probably about wanting to press up against an
actual body, and curiosity about what two bodies can do together. The
desire to experience orgasm
with another person should not be
underestimated. In my case, I think it probably would have been good
to have easily accessible methods of birth control/venereal disease
prevention. At that time, condoms were not available in school
bathrooms, I lived in the country and didn't have a social life that
included visits to towns or cities, except when my father and his
girlfriend were with me.
I became pregnant at age 16, not long after I had been released from
a psych ward. I had been hospitalized for a suicide attempt, and when
released I was not less depressed - I was scared and demoralized. I
was afraid of shock therapy, amongst other things, and in order to be
released I accepted that I was manipulative and needed to accept
responsibility for my life. I had not wanted to have a relationship
with my 'boyfriend', but he came to visit me every day while I was in
the hospital, and at that time it was difficult to walk away from the
attention and support, even though two days before my suicide attempt
he had tried to rape me while I was unconscious (his father had
stopped this - and at that time I had never yet had intercourse with
anyone).
My (older) boyfriend did have a car, and he could have driven
somewhere and bought condoms (he was one of many boyfriends who did
not like condoms), but he did not - the point is that it is good if
all parties involved are aware of options. Also, there is the issue
of cost - teens can manage to have a lot of sex within short periods
of time, a lot of supplies are needed, and as far as the pill goes,
back then I think it was about $25 per month, which I really didn't
have. In retrospect, a significant issue should have been my
boyfriend's lack of concern about birth control - ideally I would
have chosen someone willing to think and talk about it with me
beforehand. However, it is best if both parties have access to
resources/enough money to buy supplies. Yes, I was stupid and not
very resourceful, but it probably would have been better that methods
of birth control were more readily available at the time.
On the plus side, when I realized my 17 year old sister was beginning
to have sex, I took her to a clinic myself so that she could have an
examination and discuss her options. (She didn't become pregnant
until in her 20s, and at that point she had been with the same
partner since age 17.)
When I was a teenager, I had the idea that it was a good thing to
have experience, and not to commit to the first person you dated. I
wanted to do a lot of dating, and only had a very vague idea of
marriage in the future. I did not really dream of a wedding. This may
have been partly related to the fiasco which was my parents' marriage
and their subsequent acrimonious divorce, but it was probably also
related to my conversations with my father, and perhaps also related
to issues like my ichthyosis, and what kinds of relationships I was
likely to attract.
I probably wasn't consciously aware at the time, but many of my
father's conversations were probably about warning me not to get tied
down to a family before you've had time to think. Add on to this his
obvious unhappiness and difficulty coping with life, and it is not a
big stretch to see that getting married and having children could
lead to such unhappiness.
In relationships, I was either extremely open-minded, or I had very
few personal expectations (possibly due to low self-esteem) or a bit
of a strange combination of the two. None of my other siblings
attracted as wide a range of different characters. In the beginning,
most of my relationships were with highly unusual, but also
emotionally abusive people. It wasn't really until I was 24-25 that I
started attracting those who would treat me well. I have never
expected (nor exerted pressure toward receiving) any kind of
commitment in any relationship - in fact it has always been my way to
think it best that relationships end. With my two long-term
relationships, the others involved wanted me to stay and didn't move
on, and our lives fit together well enough that it seemed beneficial
for us to stay together - until one found a new partner. However, it
is important to note that I have always thought it best that every
relationship end. Even the long-term ones were ones I thought ideally
should have ended years sooner. That is not to disparage those
involved, but to say that I was not strong enough to 'live the way I
think'.
It was not until I was in my early 20s that I began to connect sex
(or love) and death. I think it was an adaptation, a way of trying to
create a passionate and exciting way to solve the 'problem' of my
unfortunate existence. From this point on, I never fantasized about
living a life with any person. What was exciting to me and what made
me feel 'happy' was the idea that a relationship would result in
death. I still don't ever fantasize about living a life with any
person. It's not just that I don't want to hit the relationship
landmarks: ring, marriage, kids - it's that I don't want an ongoing
life of any description.
I developed such that I became attracted to those with unusual
psychosexual needs. The psychological interaction became the trigger.
When I discovered the internet, it was possible to sometimes explore
psychological boundaries to extremes. One of the most important
aspects was that there was less guesswork regarding what people were
thinking. It was easier to see the shape and meaning of a
relationship in writing, and to not be carried along by my own
passivity - it was easier to have a sense that I had some say in when
I wanted to break up.
If I am dependent financially, I cannot have equality within a
relationship. This is significant. It may seem to people that I wish
to be dependent, but my conscious belief is that I don't, and if I
stay with a person beyond the point where the interaction seems more
mutually beneficial, (when the emotional and intellectual interaction
are the main focal points, rather than day-to-day realities) I will
begin to pull away emotionally. I don't feel good about myself in
such a situation, and I don't feel sexual.
I often end up offering what I can as far as contributions, and that
does mean that part of what I offer is related to washing dishes,
doing laundry and other housework - because those are things I know
how to do, but playing such a role is depressing to me.
It is not that I prefer written correspondence over real life
relationships, it's that when it comes to writing, there is a
greater chance for equality, as a relationship is about an
exchange of ideas rather than about financial contributions and one's
status or lack thereof.
When I failed to develop normally, when I failed to develop
potential, go to university, manage to support myself, it had an
effect on the relationships I attracted, as well as on sexual
satisfaction and ability to achieve intimacy. Who I was becoming did
not fit my idea of who I was or who I wanted to be, and it makes
sense to me that as a result there would be a ripple effect. If you
add on to that cultural pressures to
look a certain way,
pressures I could not live up to, it makes sense that I would
perceive that I was not deeply desired. I kept desiring, and keep
desiring a connection and release that it seems I cannot achieve
because I am not someone
I respect? or at least that if I do
have respect for myself, I cannot find anyone else to reflect it back
to me.
Once I had contracted genital herpes at age 23, I faced concerns that
probably emphasize a non-feminist role: sex often had to be about the
other person's pleasure when I had outbreaks. The more commonly I
experienced outbreaks, the more my natural ability to respond was
compromised, as I always had to control arousal and deny fulfillment.
This was mainly a problem from age 33 on, when I had a relationship
with a man who had until this time in his life been a virgin. There
was incredible pressure not to infect him, and at the same time, his
circumstances were very unusual: it seemed 'wrong' not to help him
make up for lost time. I was capable of experiencing orgasm when
having outbreaks; the problem was that orgasm definitely seemed to
ensure that an outbreak would be prolonged. As a result of all the
'necessary' repression, I think it's possible that my body stopped
responding naturally in the moment, and in addition that it
compensated by giving me 'wet dreams' while I slept (this adaptation
continues in my present life).
Both of my long-term relationships began
after I acquired
genital herpes. In both cases, I told the person right at the start,
before the person had a chance to become attached. That both accepted
it and were willing to proceed perhaps says something about their
level of loneliness and desperation, and about what they felt they
themselves deserved. Or, a more optimistic interpretation is that
even when you have serious baggage, it may still be possible to find
those with compatible needs if you remain open to life and to
experience.
It has now been many years since I have had any form of sex with
another person, although I do masturbate regularly. It is not that I
don't desire to have sex, it's that I don't have social
opportunities, and in addition it is now quite clear that my baggage,
as well as my increasing age, are 'handicaps' that increase the
degree of difficulty when it comes to attracting new
partners.